Original subtitles

What you doing?

Uh, working.

Aren't you tired of it, Joan?

Wouldn't you rather be shopping on Rodeo with a pocket full of cash?

Okay, Maya, what scam are we up to now? Oh, it is not a scam. It is a fabulous

new business opportunity. But hey, Joan, you know, if you're not interested,

I'll just find someone else who wants to be wealthy and happy.

Okay, and Maya, any of those Daniels notes?

Okay, Joan, fine. I will tell you. There is no need to twist my arm, okay?

It's like this. You send a hundred bucks to one person, and then a whole gang of

folks send you a hundred bucks back.

It is called the circle of gold.

Well, I call it a pyramid scheme, and the state calls it a felony.

Oh, sure.

Sure, Joan. Anytime black people try to get their hustle on, it's a felony. When

white people do it, it's called Wall Street.

My girlfriend.

My girlfriend.

For anything.

My girlfriend.

My client backed out of the Laurel Canyon house today.

You know the one Rerun used to live in?

What were they thinking?

That right there adds $100 to the value.

I sure could have used that sale.

Hey, you got $1 ,000 I can hold on to?

Sure. Let me go pluck a few bills off my $1 ,000 tree.

This is for real.

If I don't make my payment, they're going to repossess my Range Rover.

They should repossess it. You robed way out of your range when you leased that

thing.

Joan, are you going to stand there and condemn me to a Camry?

I drive a Camry. Then you understand my pain.

Look, Tony, I told you last month when I made your car payment that I wasn't

lending you any more money.

How about an early birthday gift?

I'll give you a pointer.

Marcus is in the market for a house, and he's not happy with his agent.

Your boyfriend is looking for property, and you didn't tell me? Joan, I am hurt.

But I could get over it for $1 ,000.

You know...

They say you always hurt the ones you love, and I love you, girl.

What's up?

Hey. I got the lettuce for the salad.

Yes, well, dinner was at eight.

Oh, what? You couldn't wait two hours for me?

Lynn, you're late. You're always late.

That is not true. Yes, it is.

And I know because I'm fashionably late and you show up after me.

I am fashionably late, too. Not the way you dress.

That's just it, girl.

You operate on CP time.

Oh, you're buying into the stereotype of colored people time?

That is so racist. I am not late because I'm black.

You are half white, and white people are habitually early, so if half of you is

early and half of you is late, then you should be right on time.

What are you doing here anyway? Why aren't you out with Marcus?

I don't have to go out with Marcus every night.

She doesn't like him anymore.

Yes, I do.

is a great guy.

He sends me flowers.

Lots of flowers. And he reads the whole newspaper.

And he puts the toilet seat down.

Wow, that's great. Write that down for your wedding vows.

Joan, I'm not hearing passion.

Why are you still with Marcus? Because her best friend is broke and needs to

sell him a house.

Because he likes me. And he's stable. And he's a great guy. And he's going to

a great dad. And I am hoping that...

One day soon, I will grow to like him just as much as he likes me.

Uh -uh. No, you grow to like anchovies or opera or certain forms of bondage,

as a guy, you want to be head over heels.

Yeah, well, every time I've been head over heels before, it just landed on my

ass. Obviously, you're not doing it right.

Joan,

I just want you to know that when my gift and club pays off big...

I'm going to stay right by your side because my loyalty runs deep.

Thank you, Maya. I've been losing sleep over that.

However, if I hit the Powerball tonight, consider this my two weeks.

Hey, look what arrived in my office.

I believe they're for you.

Unless your boyfriend's now considering me his Nubian princess.

Oh, God.

More flowers.

I got flowers from a girl once. Your mama?

If you must know, it was from somebody I hardly knew. She spotted me at a

wedding. We had this amazing connection, and then she just threw the flowers at

me. Tell me you didn't catch the bouquet.

I'm a ball player. That was instant.

Hi, Joan.

I know that you are the new boyfriend.

No, Marcus, but you are not on Joan's calendar, okay? You cannot be waltzing

here all willy -nilly.

Maya.

Maya, it's fine.

Hi, Marcus.

I'm sorry. Am I interrupting?

No, no. We're just putting off practicing law for as long as we can.

Hey. I was in the neighborhood, and I had a little gift for you. Oh.

Oh. A cell phone.

No, it's not just any cell phone. It's a Joan phone. See?

I got one, too.

This way we can keep in touch whenever and wherever.

But Marcus, I've already got your home number, your work number, your cell

number, and your pager number.

See, with this phone, when I get a call, I know it's you.

Because it's got a special Joe tone.

Oh, that is so, so sweet. Thank you.

So how about lunch? You free?

Oh, no, I can't. We are so swamped here today. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Thanks again.

I'll call you later.

Not if I call you first.

Bye.

He gave me a cell phone.

If I'm not mistaken, he gave you a Joan phone.

What am I going to do about this guy?

I mean, how can I obsess over him if he's obsessing over me? He's not letting

be the girl.

Well, Joan, he does have big hips. I mean, it could be some sort of gender

confusion.

Joan, you finally meet a man that meets your absurdly strict criteria.

Hell, you finally meet a man.

And now you're having second thoughts because he's a little too... What was it

my ex called me?

Stalker.

Going for clingy, but thanks for the painful memory.

You know what the problem is?

You just don't like a man that treats you well.

No woman does.

That is not true.

Sure it is. Sure, you would rather have a man that gives you a hard time than

gives you flowers.

I like flowers.

I just don't want my office to look like someone died.

That's exactly what I'm talking about. The man does a good thing and you turn

into a funeral.

You know, you women obviously must have self -esteem issues. You don't feel like

you're worthy of a good man.

Okay, he must be talking about you, John, because I got a husband.

William, I am not some insecure masochist. I just want him to, like...

Slow down.

Way down.

Joan, if you want out of it, make a clean break.

Don't torture the poor man.

He'll cling to a shred of hope, losing dignity day by day, only to feel like a

complete idiot when I see her at the multiplex with her new man eating

to say that he already misses me.

Help me!

Marcus, I am a woman who doesn't like to play games.

And that's one of the things I love about you. Because I don't like to play

games either.

Except Scrabble.

Well, there is something that I want to talk to you about, but I want you to

understand. This is about me.

Not about you. What's about you? What I'm about to say.

What are you about to say? Well, what I'm about to say is, and I want you to

understand, this is not about you. I mean, you, you are a great guy.

And this is really my issue. I mean, I even have,

might have self -esteem issues.

You're rambling, Joan.

Think.

exes say to you when they dumped you get away from me you have cooties hey

tamika puts out i'm moving to peru

i'm moving to peru when

pronto very very pronto maybe this will change your mind

i love you

He played the trump card.

Now, if I don't do this right, I'll break his heart and he will never say

magic words to anyone again.

He'll spend the rest of his life taking revenge out on innocent women because I

am a heartless bitch.

How do we get out of this?

Think, woman, think.

Baby, thank you for choosing me over Peru.

I think I sent the wrong message.

Girl, you slept with him? So is that how you sadidi women kick your man to

curse?

Hey, what about your sacred three -month rule, the one you claim you'd never

break, not even for Morris Chestnut?

I said I would break it for Morris Chestnut. That's my three -minute rule.

Girl, it wouldn't take me three minutes to jump his bones.

You know, darn it, I met with some unfortunate accident.

Guys, I don't know what happened.

I mean, one minute I was free and clear, and then the next thing you know, I was

in bed with the man.

Joan, just give us the dirt. Was he any good?

Actually...

Yes. Wait a minute, you guys.

The problem is, I don't love Marcus.

So what? You got some. Somebody needs to say amen.

Amen!

Look, I know I needed it, but that's not why I did it.

I felt sorry for him. So you had pity sex. People do it all the time.

there wouldn't be a name for it.

It's been over a year since you had any, Joan. Maybe he was the one having pity

sex with you.

I know all about pity sex.

I remember the first time me and Darnell had sex.

I pitied all the women who are never going to get any of that.

Dang,

Maya, all you two do is have sex.

Well, girl, you got to do something when you don't got cable.

Uh -oh, ladies.

Behave. Here's William.

McDonald wants you in court with us tomorrow morning.

That's the motion we'll be arguing.

Thank you. I guess... We're actually having a private conversation here. Oh,

understand. Nothing I hear will leave the room.

Hello, ladies.

Catch me up.

William, you ever have pity sex?

Honestly, I'm not sure I've ever not had it.

All right, who wants me?

to be deaf and blind.

What did you say?

Where are you?

I had sex with a deaf guy once.

Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm when the guy can't hear you?

Real fake.

Who cares as long as I get mine?

Okay, William. You've shared enough.

Bye -bye. All right. I'll be on my way.

I'll leave you to your hot lesbian action.

Get out of here. All right. You can throw me out, but you can't control what

fantasize about on the drive home.

I hear you guys. If you're going to eat up all my food, then you've got to help

me with my problem.

Marcus isn't it.

And I know I've got to break up with him, but I just don't know how.

You just don't want to be the bad guy.

It's true.

I've never been the bad guy. And, you know...

Never broken up with anyone that didn't deserve it. I can't handle the guilt.

Men don't have guilt.

Did you know you could sleep with the video store guy and still get charged

returning your videos late?

Joan, there's a simple solution to the Marcus problem.

String that man along.

He gets you, you get a house, I get a commission, and everyone's happy.

One minute. He's buying a house for himself, not for me.

Well, I'm supposed to maintain realtor -client confidentiality, but he did make

an offer on a house for you, and girl, you are going to love those walk -in

closets. He's buying me a house?

I believe he's calling it the Joan home.

Oh, hell no!

I am not going to end up in a pity marriage with pity babies having a

life.

Baby girl.

You know what? If you can't break up with the man, make the man break up with

you. How do I do that?

Nag him.

Be a bitch?

Yeah, I'll smash his PlayStation.

I can't do that.

He plays Scrabble.

Okay, Joan, fine. I will do it for you, all right? I will talk about you like a

dog, and trust me, he will never want to see your trifling behind again.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I want to be the one to trash her. I've known her longer.

I can tell him about how she doesn't shower on weekends.

I could tell him how she slept with all the partners to get her promotion.

That's a lie.

Girl, you want to get rid of this guy or not?

Marcus, I am so sorry I'm late.

What's the one thing?

Okay, well, Marcus, it's like this.

I want to talk to you about Joan.

Oh, my God. Is that clock right?

I've got to go. I'm trying to disprove this racist notion about sleepy time,

right now I'm about 20 minutes late.

Oh, God, I suck at this.

Joan, the hell?

What? Not Joan. And a double worshiper.

I don't believe that.

Okay, Marcus, let's cut to the chase, okay?

What would you believe?

Nothing bad about Joan.

All right. Then would you believe that you could turn $100 into $5 ,000 in only

three short weeks? You see, it's called the circle of gold, and you won't need a

woman after you do that.

Okay, Marcus, I'm going to be straight with you. I think you should know.

Joan has a lot of problems.

Yeah, so I hear.

So what you got?

She's very materialistic.

Wait a minute. Why is everybody trying to turn me off, Joan? No, no, no, no.

trying to turn you on to Joan.

Honey, I'm on your side.

Now, if you want to keep her, all you got to do is buy a bigger house.

But I'm already bidding on a four -bedroom with a guest house and a pool.

Bigger.

Hey, William.

Thanks for meeting me.

Oh, sure, man. What's up?

It's about Joe.

I really like her.

But I'm a bit confused.

Either she's got some backstabbing friends, or this woman's got issues.

I'm just hoping that you could shed some light on this situation.

Marcus, I'm going to tell you the truth.

And it isn't pretty, so break it up.

You told him what?

I told him you used to be a man.

Explain a lot.

Who in the hell asked for your help? He did.

Besides, if you'd handled your business like a real woman, I wouldn't have had

to resort to telling him you were a man.

That makes absolutely no sense.

Look, I'm your friend.

So I felt compelled to help you out. But on the other hand, you were dogging

this guy.

And I felt, as a man, it was my duty to make you look as bad as possible.

Not that there's anything wrong with being a transsexual.

Unless, of course, you're not.

How could he possibly believe that I was a man?

Actually, it wasn't really a hard sell.

You know, Joe, you do get waxed more than any other sister I know.

I'm gonna just go right now.

I'm gonna kill you.

Kill me?

Aren't you men are all alike incapable of showing any gratitude.

Marcus, I'm not a man. Oh.

That's too low. Okay.

Marcus, I'm not a man.

Tony, come on in.

Girl, I'm in a rush. Here.

All the money I've been owing you for the last three years.

Wow. What happened?

Did you close on a house? Do you get a new boyfriend?

Neither Maya got me in on this incredible business opportunity.

In fact, I'm on my way to go see her and the other circle associates at Spago to

celebrate. But first, I wanted to pay you back.

Well, congratulations.

Now get out of my house before the feds catch up with you.

Wait a minute. What am I thinking? I can't valet at Spago without detailing

Range Rover.

It wasn't celebration without a few bottles of dump.

Oh, hell, who am I kidding?

I just want to rub it in your face.

Don't spend all your bail money.

Hey, Marcus.

I found the perfect house for you. We're going to look at it as soon as they

take down the police tape.

Hi, Marcus.

Thank you for coming. We need to talk.

Yes, we do.

Yeah, um, first...

about what William told you. Joan, I know that you're not a man. I'm not an

idiot. Although, obviously, you think I am. No, Marcus, Marcus, I would never

think that. Joan, you have been playing these juvenile games, and I told you I'm

not into that.

Sending your friends over to do your dirty work. You want it to be over?

over. Give me my damn phone back.

Wait a minute.

He's breaking up with me?

So why is it turning me on?

He is so Denzel and Moe Better Blues right now.

You know what this means, don't you, baby?

I'm going to have to reactivate the Joan phone.

Oh, God, can he just shut up?

Marcus, I'm moving to Peru.

You want to break up with me?

Fine. I don't need you.

Just give me my damn phone back.

That's not going to work this time.

Well, you can't blame a brother for trying.

Excuse

me.

Oh, Marcus, I am so sorry I ran out on you yesterday. I meant to tell you... If

you're here to tell me that Joan's breaking up with me, you're too late.

Damn! Okay, I give up. I'm setting my watch to CP time.