All language subtitles for Girlfriends s01e04 Hip Ocracy

Maya, I need you to type up these notes.
I'm going to take an early lunch.

Oh, snip, snip. I smell a lunch date.

Joan, on a date?

Isn't that one of the signs of the
apocalypse?

It is not like I never date. Ain't no
like about it, Joan. That's what it is.

So, where'd you meet this fella?

Work or church or on your way to work or
church?

Okay, Joan, who is this man and how come
I've never met him? Well, it's kind of

embarrassing. Sort of a dare.

Lynn, Tony and I found dates on the
internet.

Hold up.

Internet. Oh, hell no.

Joan, only truly desperate women search
for love over the internet.

Okay, see, now that is funny.

Because I believe I saw your profile on
blackstuds .com.

But I'm a man.

In search of a truly desperate woman.

One. Before Internet hookup ends in
homicide, don't you people read Black

Detective magazine?

Black Detective magazine?

Ooh, ooh. Then it must be true.

Joan, for safety's sake, Mai and I are
coming with you for backup.

Lynn and Tony are already going to be
there. Lynn and Tony?

Girl, I might as well draw your chalk
outline right now.

Ooh, my girlfriend.

My girlfriend.

They're so thick and thin.

Okay, get everybody clear on the hand
signals. Right hand if I want to leave

early, left hand if I want to stay.

How much are you going to be waving when
he cuts both your hands off?

Okay, that's it.

We are canceling your subscription to
Black Detective.

William, Maya, your table is ready.

Hey.

Are they here yet?

No, I just got here.

David, we're meeting some people.

Has anyone been looking for us? Y 'all
women kill me. Just say you're meeting

men. Don't try to downplay it.

Something wrong with the brothers?

No. It's just that we don't know them.
We met them on the Internet.

Wow, that's desperate.

Don't go downloading any viruses.

Well, nothing's wrong with my man.

I met him on ebonymillionaires .com.

He has a beach house in Maui and a
Lamborghini.

Did you hear me?

Lamborghini.

I hope that's not Internet speak for 50
bus pass.

Good afternoon. Welcome to A47.

Thank you. Reservations for two under
stoke.

Marcus? Joe?

Well, uh, now that we're all acquainted,
let's get this party started.

There's the first impression he won't
forget.

Trust me, my brother, I won't.

The suspect has entered the building.

Uh -huh, uh -huh. He's got psycho killer
written all Oh, if I had dumpling.

Would you like to start with something
from the bar?

Watermelon martinis.

That'll go great with the fried chicken
fondue.

Get it? Get it? Because he said
watermelon, I said fried chicken.

Okay.

No, Joan, you would have been a bear
that laughs down on the plantation.

You know, Joan, I got it, but I
prefer... Hammock fondue.

David, have you seen a roster with a
gold -plated eagle necklace?

No, I think I would have remembered
that.

So, Tony, where's your mystery
millionaire date?

He's my millionaire fiancé. At least he
will be once I break out the heavy

artillery.

Hit him with both barrels, huh?

Was that the signal?

Maybe we're overreacting.

He looks like a straight arrow to me.
And I should know, because we straight

arrows can usually tell each other at a
dictum.

Look, William, the way I see it, with
Tiger kicking butt in golf, Venus and

Serena cleaning up in tennis, it was
just a matter of time before black folk

took over the white man's other sports.

Serial killer.

Let's see. I've been to Jamaica, Aruba,
and St. Thomas.

So basically, you've been everywhere
that Sinbad's music festival's been.

I'm hoping that they go to Martinique
next. I am dying to see that island.

You could just go.

With me.

I don't know you that well.

Yet.

He just hit my G -spot.

Maya, there are plenty of black serial
killers.

Wait, name one. The guy in Atlanta.

That was the CIA, William. Everybody
knows that right before they started

bringing crack into the neighborhood.

I never would have picked you as one of
those conspiracy nutjobs. Well, you

better recognize my brother or you'll
end up in one of those Tuskegee

experiments.

You know, Joan, it might be easier if
you just went up there and told your

friends that you're okay.

What are you talking about?

Well, how'd you know?

Well, I brought backup, too.

Just in case you turn out to be crazy.

How crazy did

you think I'd be?

Tony, child.

I'm sorry I'm late. I didn't trust the
valet with my Lamborghini.

Hi, I'm Lynn, and I'll be one of the
bridesmaids.

Well, I'm not sure whether we should eat
or pick out china patterns.

Can we just get a drink? I'm actually in
a hurry.

I cannot believe I've been stood up by a
gold -plated eagle roster man.

Yeah, usually they're so defendable.

I heard in Vegas, people slip things in
your drink.

And you wake up in a bathtub full of ice
cubes, minus a lung and a kidney.

Well, I guess I should feel fortunate
that I just woke up without my wallet

pants.

Guys, Marcus is going to be here any
minute. How do my lips look?

I think you need a color that pops, so
that'll be easy. Easy to find your

severed head on the side of the road.

Well, if he kills me, at least I'll die
knowing I had two dates in one day.

Joan,

I really wish you would have called me
before you splashed this yellow all over

the wall.

You're the one who told me to put it up
there, Tony. Honey, that was before I

read that periwinkle is the beige of the
new millennium. Well, I like it, Joan.

You also like Destiny's Child, so... Oh,
you know what? Don't even start with

me.

rust man had a good excuse for standing
me up. His parole was denied.

The man's in prison? Hey, so was
Mandela.

What did he do?

Lead the fight against the apartheid.

Not Mandela.

Your date.

Oh, him. Grand Theft Auto.

Hey, Tony.

How's that date with Del? When do we get
to make our jump to the Maui beach

house?

Del and I did not work out.

Didn't work out? Tony.

The man's rich and, well, well, the
man's rich. Win -win.

He just didn't do it for me.

What happened? He's too black.

Too black? Too black.

You mean ghetto?

No, I mean too black. You know, blue
-black, cold, midnight.

Well, hell, Tony, you ain't exactly
light -bright, you damn self.

Tony, I thought you got over that whole
elder barge phase when Wesley Snipes hit

the scene.

Look. I like what I like, but it's our
different skin tones that keep the white

man perplexed.

You know, that's really easy for you to
say.

Oh, I can't comment because I'm half
white. That's right.

Well, then half of me is pissed off.

Okay, Tony, did the whole black is
beautiful movement just skip your ass?

Preach, girl. I mean, don't you know the
difference between Huey Newton and Fig

Newton? Say it loud. I'm blanking
around.

Okay, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

The only way you can reach Tony is if
you speak in Tony terms.

So, Tony, there are this many available
multimillionaires, and there are this

many black multimillionaires, and this
many light -skinned multimillionaires.

that leaves this many that are going to
put up with your crap.

And all I need is one. But what I don't
need is a lecture from the Rainbow

Coalition.

Now, see, that's the kind of mess that
brings Jesse to town.

Joe, you have a lunch date tomorrow with
Tony. Any particular place you want to

go? No, just anywhere.

Well, I guess occasion's out.

Since the heifer doesn't like anything
blackened.

Oh, and you need to wrap this thing up.
You have another date with Mr. Death

tonight.

Another date with Marcus?

Not that I... Not that I think he's a
killer or anything.

Do you?

No.

But he is... Too good to be true.

Come on. I mean, he had to go online to
get a date.

Joan, you went online.

But I'm normal.

Well, as a friend, I can tell you you're
not normal.

The point is that on the surface, Marcus
is fine, but it's under the surface,

Joan.

Usually in the crawl space where they
find the body.

Jonah, that's...

Good year.

Walter Mosley.

Good read.

Okay, that's a little odd.

Looking for the bathroom?

Well, did it occur to you to try the
room with the toilet?

Yeah, I thought of that. I just thought
that might be too obvious.

So what's behind your back?

This?

Whose is it?

It's mine, and I wear it.

Well, now that I know where your
bathroom is, I'm going to use mine at

Have you seen Joan? No.

And she's 15 minutes and 8 seconds late.
She went to that serial killer's

apartment last night, and I've been
worried about her for 15 minutes and 8

seconds. You know, Maya, just because
some people have trouble finding Dave

turn to the Internet, it doesn't mean
they're dangerous. It's just hard

sometimes to find that special someone.

Oh, William.

No one responded to your Desperate .com
ad, have they?

No. As a matter of fact, I got a hit
last night. Her name is Yvonne.

Oh, William, you don't know jack about
this woman.

I know she likes to travel a lot. Under
several aliases, I'm sure.

She likes to work in her garden. Dig in
shallow graves.

She's a writer.

So is a Unabomber.

Morning, William.

Maya, in my office, now.

For a woman who just cheated death, she
sure is in a bad mood.

out what's wrong with marcus what he
wears a body shaper you mean a girdle

pc girls they call it a body shaper now
i looked it up on the internet he's

killing women and stealing their girdles
do you know what this means joan

i finally get an article in black
detective magazine

in the elevator was staring right at my
booba shirt.

In the tub?

Yeah, I was staring at it, too.

You are so nasty. I'm going to put my
bra back on.

Marcus!

I have made... I have hips.

What? I wear the body shaper because I
have hips.

calling the kettle black.

What? How is dropping Marcus because of
his hips any different than me dumping

Dale? Oh, hell. Here comes Roots, the
next generation.

Tony, there is a world of difference
between hips and self -hatred. Self

-hatred?

That's ridiculous.

No one loves themselves more than I do.

We can't argue with that.

Your problem with Marcus is self
-hatred. Honey, let's face it. You are a

hippie. I am not hippie. I might be a
little shallow, but I'm not hippie.

But you are phony because you don't
practice what you preach.

Oh, yeah?

Well, let me tell you something, all
right?

I may talk about a man like a dog, but
that doesn't mean that I'm not going to

date him.

I have every intention of seeing
Marcus...

You know, Joan, I want you to know how
much you mean to me.

Our relationship is very special.

And I'm glad you can get around my hips.

It's a hike.

But I'm trying.

Marcus, I'm fine.

We're fine.

I'm glad.

Oh, look.

Tonight's special is fish and hips.

I can handle the word hip.

Well, then hip, hip, hooray.

You twist.

Hey, Joan.

Marcus. Hey.

Excuse me, ladies.

I gotta eat no man, no stove equals
takeout.

Well, let's see, you had a man and a
stove, and you turned the gas off on

of them.

You think you know me, Joan, but you
don't.

I don't hate myself.

I just don't know what it takes to be
this stunning.

And what am I, the dog -faced girl?

No, the lighter -skinned girl.

You don't have to do what I have to do
to compete.

This comes from eating salad. and taking
Tybo five times a week.

And this, compliments of the Koreans on
Crenshaw.

And the only reason I'm not darker is
because I dodge the sun.

You are a woman that uses her beauty to
get what she wants, but you don't think

you're beautiful?

That is deep.

Just because I have superficial values
doesn't mean I'm not deep.

It's just that I'm in the market for a
husband.

And to secure my financial future, I'm
going to have to give him a couple kids.

And if I were with Dale and we had a
girl, then she would be beautiful.

Like you.

But even darker.

I don't want her going through life
hearing, oh, you're cute for a dark

girl. Or tar baby.

Or skillet.

Tony, we were in home ec, and for the
umpteenth time, I said, hand me the

skillet.

What you said was hand me the skillet
skillet.

I didn't think you heard me, so I
repeated skillet.

All right.

Explain the time you called me tar baby.

You called me bug eyes first.

That is not funny.

I'm sorry.

Me too.

And maybe I do have some issues.

It ain't maybe. It's how many.

And I probably should not worry about my
kids.

Because I'm starting to think I don't
even want to have any.

Oh, don't say that.

After a little therapy, you'll see
things differently.

No, no, no, no, it's not that. I just
don't want to end up with hips like your

man.

And

let

me tell you one more thing.

He is in Cuba working on his music.

Hey, Maya.

Biggie Smalls not dead either.

He's working in my kitchen as a sous
chef.

And when I first saw your profile, I was
thinking, damn, this brother could be a

serial killer. You know, like in Silence
of the Lambs. Oh, by the way, you don't

have a well in your basement, do you?
Oh, no, no.

Well,

you'd be surprised how many crazy people
are out on the street.

And in restaurants.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. I know you're not trying to
talk about me. Oh, no.

You better not be trying to pick up
another woman because I'll cut her.