Original subtitles

Maya, I need you to type up these notes. I'm going to take an early lunch.

Oh, snip, snip. I smell a lunch date.

Joan, on a date?

Isn't that one of the signs of the apocalypse?

It is not like I never date. Ain't no like about it, Joan. That's what it is.

So, where'd you meet this fella?

Work or church or on your way to work or church?

Okay, Joan, who is this man and how come I've never met him? Well, it's kind of

embarrassing. Sort of a dare.

Lynn, Tony and I found dates on the internet.

Hold up.

Internet. Oh, hell no.

Joan, only truly desperate women search for love over the internet.

Okay, see, now that is funny.

Because I believe I saw your profile on blackstuds .com.

But I'm a man.

In search of a truly desperate woman.

One. Before Internet hookup ends in homicide, don't you people read Black

Detective magazine?

Black Detective magazine?

Ooh, ooh. Then it must be true.

Joan, for safety's sake, Mai and I are coming with you for backup.

Lynn and Tony are already going to be there. Lynn and Tony?

Girl, I might as well draw your chalk outline right now.

Ooh, my girlfriend.

My girlfriend.

They're so thick and thin.

Okay, get everybody clear on the hand signals. Right hand if I want to leave

early, left hand if I want to stay.

How much are you going to be waving when he cuts both your hands off?

Okay, that's it.

We are canceling your subscription to Black Detective.

William, Maya, your table is ready.

Hey.

Are they here yet?

No, I just got here.

David, we're meeting some people.

Has anyone been looking for us? Y 'all women kill me. Just say you're meeting

men. Don't try to downplay it.

Something wrong with the brothers?

No. It's just that we don't know them. We met them on the Internet.

Wow, that's desperate.

Don't go downloading any viruses.

Well, nothing's wrong with my man.

I met him on ebonymillionaires .com.

He has a beach house in Maui and a Lamborghini.

Did you hear me?

Lamborghini.

I hope that's not Internet speak for 50 bus pass.

Good afternoon. Welcome to A47.

Thank you. Reservations for two under stoke.

Marcus? Joe?

Well, uh, now that we're all acquainted, let's get this party started.

There's the first impression he won't forget.

Trust me, my brother, I won't.

The suspect has entered the building.

Uh -huh, uh -huh. He's got psycho killer written all Oh, if I had dumpling.

Would you like to start with something from the bar?

Watermelon martinis.

That'll go great with the fried chicken fondue.

Get it? Get it? Because he said watermelon, I said fried chicken.

Okay.

No, Joan, you would have been a bear that laughs down on the plantation.

You know, Joan, I got it, but I prefer... Hammock fondue.

David, have you seen a roster with a gold -plated eagle necklace?

No, I think I would have remembered that.

So, Tony, where's your mystery millionaire date?

He's my millionaire fiancé. At least he will be once I break out the heavy

artillery.

Hit him with both barrels, huh?

Was that the signal?

Maybe we're overreacting.

He looks like a straight arrow to me. And I should know, because we straight

arrows can usually tell each other at a dictum.

Look, William, the way I see it, with Tiger kicking butt in golf, Venus and

Serena cleaning up in tennis, it was just a matter of time before black folk

took over the white man's other sports.

Serial killer.

Let's see. I've been to Jamaica, Aruba, and St. Thomas.

So basically, you've been everywhere that Sinbad's music festival's been.

I'm hoping that they go to Martinique next. I am dying to see that island.

You could just go.

With me.

I don't know you that well.

Yet.

He just hit my G -spot.

Maya, there are plenty of black serial killers.

Wait, name one. The guy in Atlanta.

That was the CIA, William. Everybody knows that right before they started

bringing crack into the neighborhood.

I never would have picked you as one of those conspiracy nutjobs. Well, you

better recognize my brother or you'll end up in one of those Tuskegee

experiments.

You know, Joan, it might be easier if you just went up there and told your

friends that you're okay.

What are you talking about?

Well, how'd you know?

Well, I brought backup, too.

Just in case you turn out to be crazy.

How crazy did

you think I'd be?

Tony, child.

I'm sorry I'm late. I didn't trust the valet with my Lamborghini.

Hi, I'm Lynn, and I'll be one of the bridesmaids.

Well, I'm not sure whether we should eat or pick out china patterns.

Can we just get a drink? I'm actually in a hurry.

I cannot believe I've been stood up by a gold -plated eagle roster man.

Yeah, usually they're so defendable.

I heard in Vegas, people slip things in your drink.

And you wake up in a bathtub full of ice cubes, minus a lung and a kidney.

Well, I guess I should feel fortunate that I just woke up without my wallet

pants.

Guys, Marcus is going to be here any minute. How do my lips look?

I think you need a color that pops, so that'll be easy. Easy to find your

severed head on the side of the road.

Well, if he kills me, at least I'll die knowing I had two dates in one day.

Joan,

I really wish you would have called me before you splashed this yellow all over

the wall.

You're the one who told me to put it up there, Tony. Honey, that was before I

read that periwinkle is the beige of the new millennium. Well, I like it, Joan.

You also like Destiny's Child, so... Oh, you know what? Don't even start with

me.

rust man had a good excuse for standing me up. His parole was denied.

The man's in prison? Hey, so was Mandela.

What did he do?

Lead the fight against the apartheid.

Not Mandela.

Your date.

Oh, him. Grand Theft Auto.

Hey, Tony.

How's that date with Del? When do we get to make our jump to the Maui beach

house?

Del and I did not work out.

Didn't work out? Tony.

The man's rich and, well, well, the man's rich. Win -win.

He just didn't do it for me.

What happened? He's too black.

Too black? Too black.

You mean ghetto?

No, I mean too black. You know, blue -black, cold, midnight.

Well, hell, Tony, you ain't exactly light -bright, you damn self.

Tony, I thought you got over that whole elder barge phase when Wesley Snipes hit

the scene.

Look. I like what I like, but it's our different skin tones that keep the white

man perplexed.

You know, that's really easy for you to say.

Oh, I can't comment because I'm half white. That's right.

Well, then half of me is pissed off.

Okay, Tony, did the whole black is beautiful movement just skip your ass?

Preach, girl. I mean, don't you know the difference between Huey Newton and Fig

Newton? Say it loud. I'm blanking around.

Okay, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

The only way you can reach Tony is if you speak in Tony terms.

So, Tony, there are this many available multimillionaires, and there are this

many black multimillionaires, and this many light -skinned multimillionaires.

that leaves this many that are going to put up with your crap.

And all I need is one. But what I don't need is a lecture from the Rainbow

Coalition.

Now, see, that's the kind of mess that brings Jesse to town.

Joe, you have a lunch date tomorrow with Tony. Any particular place you want to

go? No, just anywhere.

Well, I guess occasion's out.

Since the heifer doesn't like anything blackened.

Oh, and you need to wrap this thing up. You have another date with Mr. Death

tonight.

Another date with Marcus?

Not that I... Not that I think he's a killer or anything.

Do you?

No.

But he is... Too good to be true.

Come on. I mean, he had to go online to get a date.

Joan, you went online.

But I'm normal.

Well, as a friend, I can tell you you're not normal.

The point is that on the surface, Marcus is fine, but it's under the surface,

Joan.

Usually in the crawl space where they find the body.

Jonah, that's...

Good year.

Walter Mosley.

Good read.

Okay, that's a little odd.

Looking for the bathroom?

Well, did it occur to you to try the room with the toilet?

Yeah, I thought of that. I just thought that might be too obvious.

So what's behind your back?

This?

Whose is it?

It's mine, and I wear it.

Well, now that I know where your bathroom is, I'm going to use mine at

Have you seen Joan? No.

And she's 15 minutes and 8 seconds late. She went to that serial killer's

apartment last night, and I've been worried about her for 15 minutes and 8

seconds. You know, Maya, just because some people have trouble finding Dave

turn to the Internet, it doesn't mean they're dangerous. It's just hard

sometimes to find that special someone.

Oh, William.

No one responded to your Desperate .com ad, have they?

No. As a matter of fact, I got a hit last night. Her name is Yvonne.

Oh, William, you don't know jack about this woman.

I know she likes to travel a lot. Under several aliases, I'm sure.

She likes to work in her garden. Dig in shallow graves.

She's a writer.

So is a Unabomber.

Morning, William.

Maya, in my office, now.

For a woman who just cheated death, she sure is in a bad mood.

out what's wrong with marcus what he wears a body shaper you mean a girdle

pc girls they call it a body shaper now i looked it up on the internet he's

killing women and stealing their girdles do you know what this means joan

i finally get an article in black detective magazine

in the elevator was staring right at my booba shirt.

In the tub?

Yeah, I was staring at it, too.

You are so nasty. I'm going to put my bra back on.

Marcus!

I have made... I have hips.

What? I wear the body shaper because I have hips.

calling the kettle black.

What? How is dropping Marcus because of his hips any different than me dumping

Dale? Oh, hell. Here comes Roots, the next generation.

Tony, there is a world of difference between hips and self -hatred. Self

-hatred?

That's ridiculous.

No one loves themselves more than I do.

We can't argue with that.

Your problem with Marcus is self -hatred. Honey, let's face it. You are a

hippie. I am not hippie. I might be a little shallow, but I'm not hippie.

But you are phony because you don't practice what you preach.

Oh, yeah?

Well, let me tell you something, all right?

I may talk about a man like a dog, but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to

date him.

I have every intention of seeing Marcus...

You know, Joan, I want you to know how much you mean to me.

Our relationship is very special.

And I'm glad you can get around my hips.

It's a hike.

But I'm trying.

Marcus, I'm fine.

We're fine.

I'm glad.

Oh, look.

Tonight's special is fish and hips.

I can handle the word hip.

Well, then hip, hip, hooray.

You twist.

Hey, Joan.

Marcus. Hey.

Excuse me, ladies.

I gotta eat no man, no stove equals takeout.

Well, let's see, you had a man and a stove, and you turned the gas off on

of them.

You think you know me, Joan, but you don't.

I don't hate myself.

I just don't know what it takes to be this stunning.

And what am I, the dog -faced girl?

No, the lighter -skinned girl.

You don't have to do what I have to do to compete.

This comes from eating salad. and taking Tybo five times a week.

And this, compliments of the Koreans on Crenshaw.

And the only reason I'm not darker is because I dodge the sun.

You are a woman that uses her beauty to get what she wants, but you don't think

you're beautiful?

That is deep.

Just because I have superficial values doesn't mean I'm not deep.

It's just that I'm in the market for a husband.

And to secure my financial future, I'm going to have to give him a couple kids.

And if I were with Dale and we had a girl, then she would be beautiful.

Like you.

But even darker.

I don't want her going through life hearing, oh, you're cute for a dark

girl. Or tar baby.

Or skillet.

Tony, we were in home ec, and for the umpteenth time, I said, hand me the

skillet.

What you said was hand me the skillet skillet.

I didn't think you heard me, so I repeated skillet.

All right.

Explain the time you called me tar baby.

You called me bug eyes first.

That is not funny.

I'm sorry.

Me too.

And maybe I do have some issues.

It ain't maybe. It's how many.

And I probably should not worry about my kids.

Because I'm starting to think I don't even want to have any.

Oh, don't say that.

After a little therapy, you'll see things differently.

No, no, no, no, it's not that. I just don't want to end up with hips like your

man.

And

let

me tell you one more thing.

He is in Cuba working on his music.

Hey, Maya.

Biggie Smalls not dead either.

He's working in my kitchen as a sous chef.

And when I first saw your profile, I was thinking, damn, this brother could be a

serial killer. You know, like in Silence of the Lambs. Oh, by the way, you don't

have a well in your basement, do you? Oh, no, no.

Well,

you'd be surprised how many crazy people are out on the street.

And in restaurants.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. I know you're not trying to talk about me. Oh, no.

You better not be trying to pick up another woman because I'll cut her.