Original subtitles

Where have you been?

What are you doing in my house?

You first.

I loaned Lynn my car this morning, and she was late picking me up. I ran out of

gas. I had a full tank this morning.

Well, that was before I went to Tijuana and back.

Tijuana? To pick up Pablo and Juan.

Prisoners of conscience.

Viva la revolución!

She's kidding, right? I've learned not to ask.

So, how was work?

Fine.

Are you over your cramps?

Yes. You didn't even notice.

What? The shoes, the Michelle Paris you wanted, remember?

They didn't have them in your size and I found them at the other store.

Tony, that is so sweet. You bought me shoes.

I'm your best friend. What do you expect?

I expected you to be wearing them.

Oh. I was just trying them on.

We gotta wait till Maya gets here.

Maya's married. Why do we have to wait on her? She's already got what we're

going out to find.

Because Maya's our friend.

Come on, for real.

I like Maya.

I tolerate her too, but she's late.

When did our threesome become a foursome?

Come to think about it, when did our twothome become a threesome?

Back in college, when you wanted to make the dean's list and I was doing him.

That's Maya. Tony, be nice.

Oh, come on, Joan. Give her something she can do.

Hey, girl.

Hey,

hey, hey, hey.

Charleston around here for let's go. I'm only single for another four hours.

Oh, Maya, that is a beautiful wrap.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Just a little something I picked up at the

Beaumarchais, pretty.

France.

Girl, the closest you've been to France is French toast at Denny's.

Excusez -moi, biatché. All right, you guys.

And for your information, Tony, I went to Paris to learn how to talk French.

bad you didn't go to England first. Learn how to speak English.

Well, you know what? I am fluent in whoop -ass. How'd you like to hear a

bit of that?

You know...

I'm beginning to think there's some kind of sexual tension between you two.

Uh -uh. She can't afford this.

You know what, Joan?

Let me use your phone to call my husband.

Because, you see, Tony, that's what you do when you have a husband.

I know that was directed at you, but I think I just got hit in the crossfire.

Ghetto Fabulous is such a liar. There is no way she's been to Paris when I

haven't even been to Paris. Her husband works for the airline. She could have.

Maybe inside some of that baggage he handles.

Tony, I am sick of the way you go after Maya.

Black women need to be supporting each other, not tearing each other down.

I hope you all are ready to party tonight.

I'll put our names on the list of creep.

I'm up for that.

What's creep?

I don't know. I'm just up for it.

Y 'all don't know about Creep? Everybody goes there. South Hollywood Boulevard?

You know the place where Easy Mo Chubby got shot?

Oh.

I refuse to go any place where the only men who have jobs are the ones bussing

tables. Let's go to Liquid City.

But Maya's already put us on a list of the Creep. Why are you taking Maya's

side? It's not about sides.

It's just we've never gotten into Liquid City and...

I don't want to be standing outside with all the wannabes. But they've got to

let us in.

My friends are perky tonight.

And where you all fall short, I more than make up for it.

Oh, hell, perky's such a tease. When I get to the door, I'm just going to take

my top off.

That did get at the table at the Cheesecake Factory.

Okay, if you guys want to go to the played out Liquid City, I can get us in

there, too. Let's go.

I'm talking about Liquid City on Rodeo, not the liquor store on Rodeo.

You know what?

You're back to be careful, because the last time I played with a black Barbie

doll, I pulled her head off. Well, bring it on, you little liar.

Okay, okay, Tony.

For me to get some happy -go -lucky white friends.

Oh, my God. Like, I think I just saw Patrick Swayze.

Oh, my God.

I missed friends.

Did you tape it?

Don't expect me to tag along. I'm going to Liquid City. Tony, come on. Don't do

this.

Okay, so creep it is. Uh -uh.

We're going to Liquid City.

Okay, this is crazy. Maybe, Joan, but I am not a liar, okay? And somebody needs

to be taught a lesson.

Well, I am not going to be a part of teaching Tony a lesson.

Fine. Stay here. Lynn, you coming?

But then again, more is just not.

Don't go to the good city.

I don't care where we go. This tube top's coming off.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Maybe you could use those big, strong muscles and move this rope out of my

Who are you supposed to be? I'm supposed to be in there.

And I'm supposed to be on the Oakland Raiders.

Life's not fair.

Hey, Tony.

William, what are you doing here?

I'm not all about work.

On occasion, I like to go out and hang with my fellow beautiful people.

William, I didn't get in. There's no way they're letting you in.

Well, I don't know about that.

I've been here the past three nights, and I've established quite a rapport

Trey. He hinted tonight that I might be getting lucky.

Which... I hope I have no homoerotic undertones.

You're coming with me just in case.

Hey, where are you all?

Ready to have a good time tonight?

What do you mean, in the club?

Dancing with women, right?

Or men.

Whatever your thing is.

I'm with her.

Then you're not getting in.

What are you doing here?

Oh, we had a change of plans.

Where are you going?

Leaving. It is dead in there.

In other words, you couldn't get in.

Oh, don't feel bad. Neither could Boyz II Men over there.

Girl, quit tripping. That is not Boyz II Men.

Maybe you should feel bad.

Look, y 'all, I'm going inside. Whoever wants to see the other side of that

rope, come up.

Yeah, yeah, go on. And after Maya's imaginary friend lets you in, maybe the

little liar will take y 'all to France.

Well, they'll be going to France sooner than you get into this club.

Excuse me.

Trey! Trey! Hey!

What's up, cuz?

How you doing? How many you got, witch? Let's see. I got one, two, three.

Thank you. Thank you.

We're together.

Hand me, woman. I learned my lesson earlier.

Joan, get me in. I don't have the connections.

That's Maya.

Forget it. Come with me. We'll go someplace else. This is the hottest club

town, and I'm finally in.

But I bought you expensive shoes.

Maya, Maya, please get Tony in. I know she's self -centered, but inside she's

evil. Please be the bigger person for me.

I'll give you a half day on Friday.

All right, Trey, let her in.

But make her pay and don't validate her parking.

Hey, you.

Come on in.

I believe he was pointing to me.

No, I'm sorry. She's right.

Was somebody talking to you, bitch?

I was simply trying to... Uh -uh, uh -uh, Joan.

Don't back down to this heifer. Heifer? Uh -uh. Say now.

Tony, leave it alone. Come on, let's go.

Please. I am tired of these women stepping to me ready to fight, thinking

going to back down because I'm all cute. So what you got to say now? Okay.

Everything's cool.

It's cool. We're cool. I hope you're cool. Please be cool. Come on, Tony.

on. You better be... as your girl stepped in and saved your bony ass.

My ass is perfect, you bald -headed bitch.

They say women should be in combat.

Well, I'm going to have to rethink my position on that one.

I bit that girl and I think I lost her feeling.

All I want to know is where is the toe ring?

Forget your toe ring. Somebody stole my Gucci shoes.

Oh, damn, damn, damn.

I heard there were women out here fighting. And I was hoping and praying,

do not let them be black.

are they black women, but black women I know.

Oh, Tony, now look, there's a Gucci in the gutter. That's not my Gucci, but

take it.

Don't y 'all care how this makes us look?

Fighting in front of white folks.

One of those hood rats was white, or at least mixed.

Hey, that was me. I thought you hit me.

Well, now you hit me.

That's because your hair got in the way.

It is kind of big.

Any of you hit the other women at all?

Here. They didn't have any band -aids, but I got these VIP wristbands. I

we could make a tourniquet if we need to.

Oh, Joan.

You must be a hell of a fighter, because you don't have a scratch on you.

Actually, she's one hell of a chicken.

She just stood on the sidelines.

So did you.

Hey, I'm a man.

Men don't get into girl fights.

Encourage them.

Yeah, well, some women don't get into girl fights either.

What did you expect me to do, just jump in and start swinging?

Nobody else had a problem with it.

Hell, Maya even had my back and she hates me.

That's true, Joan. The girl has a point.

I got beat up because I was defending you, Joan. What happened to black women

supporting each other? Well, if you had just walked away like I was trying to

do, none of this would have happened.

I'm your best friend and I was getting my ass kicked.

I am a grown woman and I don't get into street fights. And I'm an attorney.

I could get disbarred. I'm your best friend, and I was getting my ass kicked.

Tony, violence is never the solution.

And besides, why we gotta give white people something else to talk about?

Um, Joan, I already made that argument.

She ain't trying to hear it.

All I know is I'm your best friend, and I was getting my ass kicked.

Okay, am I missing something here?

I think what she was saying is that she's your best friend, and she was

her ass kicked.

Tomorrow at 10 o 'clock, I'm arguing that motion to suppress.

I'm free if you need a second chair.

Joan, I've seen your version of backup, but thanks anyway.

Oh, come on, William.

You don't care whether I jumped in. You just wanted to see one more woman in a

catfight.

Why is it that men always want to see women fight?

Fighting. Making love.

I don't really care what they're doing as long as they're touching each other.

William, get out.

All right, all right.

Don't have to hit me.

Then again, what am I worried about?

Hey, William.

You know, I was thinking about this whole black folks fighting in front of

folks thing, and I almost bought into it for a minute.

And then I realized, well, damn, that's how Don King makes his millions.

Yeah, but look what it did to his hair.

Hey, Maya. Hey, William.

Hey! Hey, rock 'em, suck 'em.

Maya, I found your toe ring.

Oh, my gosh, girl. Thank you.

Donald gave this to me after our first date.

Where'd you find it?

Lodged in my cleavage.

Keep it.

I guess I should... Go.

I guess I should say... You know what someone says when someone's done

for them?

Thank you? Mm -hmm, in that area.

Well, you're welcome.

But you're still gonna have to apologize.

For what? For calling me a liar.

Okay, maybe you had the hookup at Liquid City.

But Maya, come on, you did not go to France.

lady speaks Spanish that doesn't mean she's been to Spain Maya

didn't Tony know I was in there

just walked out without even saying a word.

Can you believe that?

Yeah.

And well, technically, you didn't have my back either.

So you're mad at me too?

Well, I would be if you weren't putting a roof over my head and food on my plate

and closing my back.

I thought that was my shirt and you cut it up.

Consider us even.

John, you know that menu inside and out. What are you trying to...

but preoccupied so it won't seem so pathetic you're eating alone?

You could have added something new since lunch.

So where are your girls?

I have no girls.

I have no pets. I overwatered my ficus. I have nothing.

Maybe I should take this menu and get you some antidepressants.

Was I so wrong not to jump into a smackdown on the corner of Rodeo and

See, this is why women shouldn't fight.

They can't handle it.

Here it comes. Women can't do everything men can do. But they can.

At least not without crying.

See, when guys get into a fight on the basketball court, as soon as the game is

over, they're down a couple of beers together.

They get drunk, they start fighting again.

You did the right thing, Joan.

Thank you.

You don't need to be fighting anyway.

Your face is too pretty.

It's a sad truth, but a compliment from the right man heals a thousand wounds.

What'd she say?

She said you don't need to be out there fighting anyway.

No, no, no.

The part about me being gorgeous.

If y 'all women kill me, you will milk a compliment until it is bone dry.

Look at that. Tony is good.

She is going to my restaurant with my friends, and she's taking my table.

Davis, that's my table. Don't let her take my table.

I thought this was your favorite table. No, no, no, no, no. This is my eat

-alone table.

That's up with my girlfriend's table.

See, that's another thing.

You women are nuts.

Okay.

You can have Lynn, but Maya, you know through me.

Get your place in, girl. Come on. Come on.

Okay, here's the deal.

Tony promised to pick up my dinner with dessert, pay for Jabari's babysitter,

and buy me a new Lexus. Can you match that?

I can do everything except the Lexus. Good, because she was only going to pay

for my appetizer.

Maya, Tony only invited you here to get back at me. She doesn't really like you.

So? She likes me more than she likes you right now. I know that much.

This is ridiculous.

We sound like junior high school kids at the cafeteria.

Then go over there, girl, and talk to her. All right, I'm going, I'm going,

going, I'm going.

Lynn, Maya wants to talk to you.

I could talk to her later. Or you could go now.

Ooh, where was all that moxie the other night, huh?

about the fight, and you explain yours, and we're not gonna resolve this.

Let's just get over it, okay?

I have nothing to say.

Fine.

You're just gonna walk away like that?

See, that's a perfect example, Joan.

A perfect example of what?

You're not there for me anymore.

What? You're always taking everyone's side, but, mind, you chose Maya's club

over my club, and then you dump me outside of my club to go with Maya?

And don't get me started on Lynn.

You always let her slide.

She smuggled illegal aliens in your car.

You didn't say boo to her.

You're not in first place anymore.

Tony, you're jealous?

You're never jealous of anyone.

People are jealous of you.

Oh, sure, in terms of looks, style, and sex appeal, but... I have always had

your back, but no one else did.

Ever since fifth grade, I have covered for every stupid, inane, and selfish

thing that you have ever done.

If I've done all those things, which, by the way, is debatable, why are you my

friend at all?

How could you even ask me that?

I don't know. You just are.

You have always been a part of my life, and the thought of you not being a part

of my life is just... Tony,

I need you.

You are the bitch that I have always wanted to be.

Joan, you're just saying that.

Oh, I don't know about this. Don't worry. We're going to get in.

It's easy. You just got to know how to give me the net and manipulate people.

It's what I do every day practicing law.

I'm going to use my superior intellect to outfox the opponent.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Hi. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Hi.