Original subtitles

Joe Clayton's office?

Um, she's not in right now.

Uh -huh. Okay, can I say this? You know, I would love to take a detailed

message. I really would. But then there would be no need for our expensive

voicemail system.

Right. Transferring.

Morning, Maya.

Hey, Joe.

Any messages?

Happy birthday, girl!

You shouldn't have.

Oh! No problem. If the light hadn't changed, I would have gotten you some

oranges, too.

I can't make it to your birthday party tonight. Michelle and I got back

together. Happy birthday from both of us.

Wow.

I mean, how's that going to look?

You being a birthday girl and all, you're going to be the only one at your

who ain't got no man.

Ain't got no?

Oh, I'm so sorry. My bad.

Don't have a.

So how do you intend to fix your dilemma?

just going to keep on praying for that Denzel knockoff.

You know, you professional women are so sadiddy.

I'm sure there are plenty of good men right under your nose.

Okay.

Who am I overlooking?

Paper or plastic?

Two more minutes!

Sister,

the Lord makes house calls.

Trust me.

The only thing under my nose is getting waxed at five.

Lin, you got your stuff in my bedroom, too.

I cannot believe you're kicking me out in the middle of my anthropology final.

Okay, I'm going to say this in the most loving way.

Get off the titlet and get out.

In Mongolia, four generations live in one yurt.

Go back to Joan's yurt. She enjoys playing the mama. Get that, that.

That. Not that.

What? This is mine.

Just because I let you try it on does not make it yours.

Fine. Possessions simply fill the void of not being loved.

Well, Charles loves me in this.

He says it looks sexy on me.

Charles? Who's Charles?

Charles is a stock option.

Does Charles have a last name?

I don't know. He has a Porsche.

Well... It's a well -known fact that men who drive a Porsche have a small...

It's not. Joan used to date him.

Charles? Toe -sucking Charles?

He sucks toes.

Oh, no, no, no, no. You cannot date Joan's Charles.

He's not Joan's Charles.

We're all God's children. We don't belong to anyone but God.

Does Joan know that? Of course she knows. She goes to church.

We subscribe to free love. Joan subscribes to essence. And those sisters

a different set of rules.

I read that article. You're not supposed to date your girlfriend's ex, but

that's if he dumped her. Joan broke up with him. She's not going to care.

Uh -uh. You need to tell her. Fine.

I will tell her.

I know you. You're not going to tell her.

If I have time, I will tell her.

If you do not tell her, I will.

Oh, thank you, because I do not have time.

Come in.

Oh, it's my birthday girl.

William, just say happy birthday.

Well, happy birthday.

Thank you.

So, how old are you?

26. I lied.

I'm 29 today. And according to my life's day planner, I should have it all by

now. The career, the husband, the kids. So if I say 26 and I bought myself some

time, okay?

26, Joan.

26. What, do you need a Q -tip or something?

Let me see your driver's license.

No. And why is 26 so hard for you to believe?

Well, because if you really were turning 26, that would mean you have broken my

record as the youngest person ever to make junior partner in the history of

law firm.

supposed to know anything until the partners tell you personally, agree?

Fine. But I'm still gonna put something on LeWay at Ross.

Oh, Lynn is on one, and they're ready for you in the conference room.

Hey, Lynn, make it quick.

Hey, Jay, happy birthday.

Uh, Tony wants to talk to you.

Happy birthday, girl.

Okay, all right.

You know toe -sucking Charles, that guy you dumped? Well, he's my date for the

party tonight.

Huh?

Charles, everything about us feels so right.

Except one thing.

I do want to get married.

And if that isn't something that you want, then maybe we should just end this

right now.

Okay.

You're bringing Charles?

If you're okay with it.

Sure, I'm fine.

FYI, I know you want to marry money, and Charles just isn't the marrying type. I

mean, he's a great guy, and he sucks a mean toe, but he is not about to marry

you. See, I told Lan you'd be okay with it.

Why would I have a problem with it? Joan, conference room now.

I have my own date.

I thought your husband was coming.

Well, I made the mistake of giving him some right before I left.

He might come by later if he ever wakes up.

Here I come.

And walk.

And turn.

And smile for the camera.

Smile for the camera.

He's on his cell phone to Singapore. Girl, it's about time he showed some

Oh, you need a break from those angry white women's suits.

Good girl.

Well, you know, I had to do something special.

It's not every day that a woman turns 26.

Been in your case for the fourth time.

Joni, come on. You've got to stop this age thing.

We have to combat this patriarchal, chauvinistic, all -women -should -be

-and -dumb -and -a -perky -double -D mindset.

Oh, wait, may I point out that if you're dragging around some double Ds, you're

too tired to be a perky.

And yet somehow I managed to go on.

Hello? Ooh, come in. As the festivities begin, the handsome guy is here.

And this fella, too.

William, I am...

So glad that you could make it.

Charles?

Happy birthday.

Okay, ladies.

Take note. This is where I turn and he pops a wheelie because I remind him that

all of this booty could have been his.

glass than I'm anybody's.

So, how'd you two end up on a date?

Well, I came to one of her open houses.

And, uh, you two?

Oh, we're colleagues.

By day.

But by night.

Oh, look at that.

William, you want to help me out in the kitchen? Sure.

Okay.

That kitchen's rocking.

Don't come knocking.

This Moroccan food is off the hook.

I'm going to take some home to my husband.

What? Why are you looking at me?

I'm sorry. It's why are you looking at me. You dropped a verb.

Tony, I go to college. I don't need you correcting me.

Well, apparently they didn't teach you that. A sentence must have a verb.

Well, you know, I did learn that kids... is both a verb and a noun. So how about

you give my ass a kiss or kiss my ass?

I think you just got a grammar lesson.

William, you are a date in name only, not in deed.

Oh, darn.

You mean I wore this thong for nothing?

That is such a bad visual.

I got a worse one for you.

Your best friend and your ex in bed together laughing at you. Look, I'm just

trying to keep you from looking like a chump.

Ex? Who's your ex?

Charles. Oh, hell no.

Uh -uh, she's not dating your man?

Ex. Maya, I do not appreciate you insulting me at the table. You're dating

Jones' ex?

Yeah, so?

And you all are friends?

Uh -huh. See, black women don't do that, Tony, like I'm wearing blue eyeshadow.

Wrong.

That's wrong?

Excuse me, I gotta call my mother.

Maya, I don't mind if Tony dates Charles.

Yeah, Joan and I have shared everything since the fifth grade. No, you know

what, y 'all, this is not right.

Okay, now, they say if you have sex with someone, it's like you're having sex

with everyone they had sex with.

So, Joan, if she sexes your man, it's like she's having sex with you.

We're all consenting adults.

You nasty!

You know, it's one thing to hire Miss Ghetto Superstar as your assistant, but

why did you let her in your home?

Maya is a bright young woman with a future, and you're just one escrow and a

sugar daddy away from moving your butt back to Fresno yourself.

So, Charles, what have you been up to lately?

Spoiling me.

I'm into the venture capital thing now.

That explains why Tony's in your wallet.

That's good, girl.

So you're shopping for houses?

Yeah, I'm looking to settle down.

I don't want to grow old alone.

Are you saying you want to get married?

Sure. Why not?

Because one very short year ago, that was completely out of the question.

What can I say?

Been a very good year.

Why?

Because you broke up with me?

You broke up with me. Because you didn't want to get married?

Well, no, not when it's being crammed down a brother's throat.

I didn't want to ring. I was just looking for a little intent.

Down, Joan.

Nobody is talking to you, Tony.

Okay, Charles, we're leaving. Joan is tripping.

I'm tripping? Yes, you're tripping.

You're the one who brought this man into my house? My last real boyfriend? How?

I still go shopping with his mom.

You said you were okay with it. I lied.

You are so foul, just staking up the joint.

Now, I know your low rent ass is not saying anything about anybody.

Excuse me.

Why I gotta be low rent, Tony? You know, if you weren't Jones, girl, I'd put my

foot up your ass.

Girl, I will wear you out. Do not let this product fool you.

Well, bring it on, you ghost.

digging money, worshiping... Stop the madness!

You know, I think this would be the perfect time for cake.

We're leaving.

No, wait. Can I say something here, please? You might want to run to the

Superfly. You know what?

You better run. As a matter of fact, you know what? All y 'all, get up out of my

house. This party is over.

Did you hear me?

Now, that's very original, because usually the stripper jumps out of the

I think they dry.

Oh, Charles.

Oh, you haven't seen anything yet, baby.

Stop.

Relax.

No, you can't suck her toes in mine, too. Just grab hold of the headboard if

need to, baby. I'm about to rock your chakra.

I can't. I can't hurt the only woman in the world who puts up with me.

All right, but if I walk out that door, I'm not coming back.

Honey, that's the idea.

Fine.

I think these belong to me.

You wanted to see me?

William.

I'm not 26.

I'm 29.

I know.

How do you know?

Well, let's just say $5 still goes a long way.

Who told you?

You give me $5, I'll tell you that.

The thing is, I'm staring at 30.

And on paper, everything looks great. You know, I'm about to make junior

partner. And I've got a great house.

But I just, I don't have anyone to share it with.

Joan, are you proposing to me?

Come on. I'm trying to explain the drama that happened last night.

Don't worry about it.

You're going to find the right guy.

Thank you.

Just wait until the third date before you flash him.

I noticed you moved back in last night.

Would have been nice if you asked.

I already did.

Remember our sophomore year when I asked if I could crash at your place and you

said, anytime?

Hey, have you talked to Tony yet?

No.

Okay, look.

She's on her way and she asked me to keep you here, so please don't make me

you down.

Don't let that Judith in my house.

It's Charles.

What's Charles doing here?

I don't know.

Maybe he killed Tony and he's looking for a place to hide out.

Hello, Satan.

Joan?

Charles?

Wow, this is awkward.

Oh, I don't know. I seem to be getting used to it.

I'm sorry.

I should have exercised better judgment. I mean, it was one thing to date your

girlfriend, but I shouldn't have come to your house.

Yet here you are again.

Bye -bye.

Joan, take the chip off.

I'm trying to apologize.

I need something to drink. Do you want something?

Yeah.

Hey, did I mention last night what a great job you've done with your house?

Yeah, it's getting there.

You always did have great taste.

Mm -hmm.

In everything but men.

Ouch.

Shifting gears, uh, you spoken to my mom lately?

Yeah.

She's still trying to figure out why we broke up.

She knows that I didn't want to commit until I got my career on track.

Why didn't you tell me that?

Because I was a fool.

Uh -oh.

Okay, this is

so twisted.

I mean, technically, he is now Tony's man, so now I'm crossing the same line

that she crossed with me.

Am I really so desperate for romance that I would actually pick at my own

leftovers?

Oh, okay, okay, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This, this, this isn't right.

Oh, my God, that's Tony. Get down, get down.

I deserve it, but nothing happened.

I broke it off with Charles.

Okay, so, um, call me when you get home.

No, no, no, no, no, no, uh -uh. Don't let me off that easily. I mean, why do

put up with me?

I always let you down. Well, at least you're consistent.

Yes, and that is what I love about you.

Why are you being so understanding? Beat me or hit me or yell or something.

You would not have done what I've done to you because you don't have one.

deceitful bone in your body.

Oh.

Charles, get up.

Hey, Tony.

Wow, payback's a bitch.

No, no, you see, he... We were... Okay, yeah. The point is, if you

want him, you can have him. I mean, no hard feelings this time. No.

I love you. I don't want to risk losing you, even for a toe -sucking

millionaire. But that's your dream.

There'll be others.

Ladies, hi.

I'm still standing here.

Hey, you guys, why don't we go to a restaurant and laugh this whole thing

My treat.

Chinese? There's a great place in Melrose and Fairfax.

Yeah. You know what?

You go ahead, and we'll stay here and freshen up, and then we'll meet you

Good deal. Good deal.

Yeah.

Be right there.

So, Italian it is?

Italian?

Who

invited

Miss Ghetto Fabulous? I did.

Hi. Hey.

So, I hear you want to apologize.

Yep, Tony was just telling us she feels so badly for calling you low rent. She

wants to pay for your dinner.

Well, some surf and turf ain't gonna cut it.

I want to hear the words, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Okay, accepted.

Now, what's the most expensive thing on the menu?

I have an announcement.

I'm a junior partner.

That was me.

Okay, this is probably where I should be talking about the value of friendship

and... How my girls fill out my life.

But, and I hate to admit it, I'm thinking about Charles.

So, does anyone know where I can get a late night pedicure?

You nasty!