Original subtitles

-I know you weren't there today,

but wouldn't you agree that sometimes--

and I'm not saying allthe time--

but sometimes Marie can be critical of me?

Frank?

Come on!

- I feel I identify most with Robert.

- When we got in a fight,

I would sit on him until he got tired

because I knew if I ever let him up,

he'd kill me.

- You know...

he was kind of a nerd.

So when he would--

when they would kind of say,

"Well, do what your older brother does,"

I'd kind of in my mind go, "Why? He's such a geek."

- Like--like show up to class?

- Yeah. That sort of stuff.

-When did he get this?

- Oh, that's an award your brother got

for his sports column.

- It never ends for Raymond.

- Oh, poor Robbie.

-Everybodyloves Raymond.

- Dude, you are so weird.

- Am I, Raymond?

Am I?

- Hey, could you, uh...

put a shirt on?

And some underpants?

- Excuse me.

I believe this ismybed.

- All right, but come on.

A guy gets in bed with you, you put some pants on.

- All right, Timmy, now, let's behave ourselves.

We're here to teach traffic school.

- Oh, yeah, right. Okay, let's see.

Who can answer this?

When you're behind another vehicle,

what is the proper following distance?

Frank?

- Well, if the guy's going real slow,

I like to be right on his butt.

So if he looks back, he can read my lips.

- No, Dad,

it is one car length per 10 miles of speed.

- [laughs] Yeah.

Remind me to never drive withyou,

you crazy old bastard.

- Oh! Oh!

- What the hell's goin' on?

- Ohh...ohh...

- Ma.

- Why, Robbie,why?

Howcouldyou, in Raymond's basement?

- Marie, it's not what you think!

- Uh-huh.

What are you doin'?

- Ah, nothin'. Just here to help out Ally

with her report on Harriet Tubman.

You know, it's "Black History Month."

- Uh, yeah, yeah. Thank you...

Superfly.

- What?

- Nothin'. It's just, uh,

never seen ya so...

"styling."

- Just some new clothes, that's all.

Gotta get out more, mah brother.

All right. Now, let's move on, Timmy.

Don't you have a question for Ma?

- Sure. Marie, is it? - Yeah.

Hi, Marie. Okay.

Now, when you get into the car,

what are you supposed to do

before you begin driving?

- Oh, I know that. You buckle your seat belt.

- Good.

- And you check your mirrors.

- Very good.

Anything else?

- No, I think that's it.

- Oh, that's it.

She thinks that's it.

- Isn't--isn't that everything, Timmy?

- Oh, yeah, sure, that's everything.

But how 'bout makin' sure

your first-born child is in the car

before you pull out of a gas station in New Mexico?

- Well, that's awfullyspecific.

- Robbie, that was 30 years ago.

-Idon't have a problem with it.

- Uh-oh.

- Oh, thank you so much.

- And this fax came for you, sir.

- So as I was saying-- - Is this a joke?

- Excuse me?

- "Dear FBI agent Garfield,

I'm writing to ask for your understanding.

you have an interview this morning with my son,

Robert Barone."

- What?

Oh! Robbie!

You scared me.

How did your interview go?

- Come mere, let me tell you about it.

- My mother and father had--

had the times of their lives yelling at each other.

It was my father who would say to my mother,

"Jeanette, stifle yourself!"

- My father used to do--

instead of, like, swearing at us,

he would, like, do it underneath his breath.

He'd say, "would you turn up the..."

[muffled cursing]

- We like it when bald guys win.

- Yeah. - Just in general.

-When was the last time

that you said, "I love you" to...

anybody?

- "I love you"?

- Yeah.

- What, do you live

in a freakin' fairyland or something?

Can't you ever just be quiet?

- Don't you tell me to be quiet!

I have a mind of my own, you know.

I can contribute.

I'm not just some... trophy wife.

- You're a trophy wife?

What contest in hell did I win?

You were vacuuming?

- Yeah. What?

I help out around the house sometimes.

- That's nice. Do you dust too,

with a little feather duster...

Nancy?

- You know, Dad...

sometimes when you talk like that,

people could get offended.

- Offended by what?

- Nothin'. Nothin'. Forget about it.

- What?

- Nothin'. It's just--

when you say "Nancy," what are you implying exactly?

- That your name should be Nancy.

- And when you say "Nancy,"

that's your word for "gay."

- Very well.

- And you mean that as an insult?

- Yes, I believe I do.

- Well, that--that's not nice.

- That's why it's a good insult.

- Why did you tell me it was only once a year?

- Because this whole topic is improper.

What we do in our bedroom is our own business,

and I prefer not to be known as the whore of Lynbrook.

- We can move from Lynbrook.

Is, uh, anybody eating this?

- No, Frank.

You know what? You can have it.

At leastsomeone appreciates it.

- Hey, I appreciate--

- Thank you for the flowers, Frank.

- Anyone who can make braciolelike this

deserves a whole hillside

full of heavenly scented marigolds and daffodils.

- Wasp.

- Aah! - Aah!

- That's gonna need another coat.

"Just because we are family

"and happen also to be neighbors

"does not give you the right to constantly interfere

in every aspect of my life..."

[laughing]

[coughs]

[clears throat]

"from raising my children

to my choice of liquid fabric softener."

- I want you guys to know right now

that Debra has a drinking problem.

- Keep reading.

Keep reading.

- Stop it!

"I'm sure you don't even realize

"when you're being overbearing, critical,

and intrusive."

Is this a petition?

Where do I sign?

- Frank, you want your ice cream or not?

- He's not here, Ma.

- Where'd he go?

- * I left my heart *

* In San Francisco *

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

My wife thinks I'm in the bathroom.

* High on a hill... *

- Oh, well, I identify totally with the mother on Raymond

because I've been told by five or six people

at different occasions that I am her or she is me

however you wanna say it?

- If I blew up a bank

and wiped out every employee in the bank,

and they ran to my mother, she would say,

"maybe they made a mistake in his checking account."

-Your birthday gift to me

finally came this morning.

Did you know you sent me a box of pears

- Yeah. Yeah. - From a place

called fruit of the month?

- That's right. That's right. How are they?

- Oh, they're very nice pears.

But there's so many of them.

There are over a dozen pears.

What am I supposed to do with all those pears?

- I think you're supposed to eat 'em, Ma.

- Myself? - You, you and Dad and Robert.

- How many pears can Robert eat?

Look, I appreciate the thought, Raymond.

But please, don't ever send us any more fruit again, okay?

Thanks, darling.

- Well, another box is coming next month.

- What? More pears?

- No. No, it's a different fruit every month.

- Every month?

- Yes, yes, that's why they call it

fruit of the month club.

- It's a club?

Oh, my, what are we gonna do with all this fruit?

- Well, most people like it, Ma!

You share it with all your friends.

- Which friends? - I don't know. Lee and Stan.

- Lee and Stan buy their own fruit.

- Well, give it away.

- Why did you do this to me? - Oh, my God.

- I can't talk. There's too much fruit in the house.

Ray, we told you you were a good writer

so that you wouldthink you were a good writer.

Then somebody gave you a job.

That's what parents do.

They all lie to their kids for their own good.

- But other parents aren't lying, Ma.

They believe in their children.

- No, they don't.

- Oh, man.

Whata day.

I had this interview with Ewing, you know,

and he's late.

He's three hours late, and I had to wait for him.

Oh, I am tired, sweetness.

Oh, yeah. Oh...

oh, baby, does that feel good.

Oh.

Come here.

What are youdoing?

- Trying to help you relax.

- Aarrgh!

Did you say

that you like Amy more than Debra?

- I am not...

saying that.

- What?

- I am not saying

that I like Amy more than Debra.

- I know. I know you're not saying itnow.

But did you say it ever?

What if I told you

that we have a tape of you saying it, Ma?

- Give me the tape.

- You should ask Debra how she makes this.

- I should ask Debra?

I should ask Debra?

Give me that.

Raymond, do you see what they see?

- Um...

- Tell me the truth.

- Well...

maybe if I squint a little.

- Oh, my God, I'm a lesbian.

- Sorry, Debra, I just don't know what you want from me.

- Oh, here, honey, let me get that for you.

- You know what I want?

I want you to be a part of the family.

I want you to help,

or I want you to at least want to help, okay?

I want you to be more like--

like her!

- Likewho?

- I do like the fact that Debra is home with her kids.

- Well, the biggest fight I ever had with my husband

had to be over my mother-in-law,

because he would never tell her

to stop being nasty to me

and to have a little respect for me.

Because he's a mama's boy, but he doesn't think he is.

- Well, he just spent 10 hours with 25 grown-ups,

and I've spoken to kids all day and watchedPokemonand stuff.

I need some adult conversation

before I lose my mind.

- She considers me adult conversation?

- Yeah, sometimes.

- Oh, my god. - What? What?

- Oh, my God, the squash. - What squash?

- The squash. I forgot the squash!

- All right, okay. So what?

- So what? The squash-- Ray, it's my only yellow.

Where did I put it? - I don't know. I don't know.

- Well, think, Ray! Come on. - I wasn't here.

I was out not getting baking powder.

- I need that squash.

- Are you as turned on as I am right now?

- Ray, I need the squash.

- Is that a "yes"? - Ray!

- All right! I don't know where it is.

Here, could this goopy thing be it?

- [laughing] Oh, yes. Yes. - Okay.

- Good. That's it.

- Good. Calm down.

- [crying] - oh, no...

no...no.

Come on, relax. Stop.

- [sobbing] I'm sorry.

- Stop. You're reacting to missing squash

like the time we left Ally at the mall.

- Ray, what is this?

- What?

- This bottle of basil that your mother gave me

has another label underneath.

- Ta-rag-on.

- Tarragon.

- Oh, that's your weird taste.

- Uh-huh.

- That's not in her recipe, is it?

- [laughs] No!

- Oh, my God. - Aha, okay, Ray? Okay?

That'syour mother! - I don't get it--

- Do you still think she's trying to help me? Hmm?

- Listen, why would she go to all that trouble?

Isn't it easier to leave out an ingredient?

- For anamateur!

My God! This even lookslike basil!

Look at the label. It fits perfectly on here. My God.

You know, this is the work of an evil genius.

- I don't get it. I don't get it.

- You know what I don't get?

I don't get that you couldn't see my side of this.

You're so busy defending your saint of a mother

that you makemeout

to be some kind of ungrateful nut case!

Well, who's the nutcase now, Ray?

Who's the nutcase now?

- While I was out today, I got you somethin'.

I-I really...

I want to help you feel better, you know?

And this should take care of all your symptoms.

- Except for "bitchy." right, Ray?

- What do you mean?

- I mean there's nothing in here forbitchy.

- Probably need a prescription for bitchy.

- If I had P.M.S.-- and I'm not saying that I have--

is that how you help me?

By taping me, by telling me I have P.M.S.?

That doesn't help me! That doesn't help me!

- Well, what do you want me to do?

I don't know what to do! Show me what to do!

Just draw it out for me!

- Have you ever thought about giving me a hug?

- A hug?

- Yes! A hug!

Did you ever think of hugging me, ya jerk?

- Well, it's pretty hard to hug someone

who's trying to kill you!

- Yeah. Well, it never occurred to you!

You never even tried it before.

- Well, look! Thisis not huggable!

This--this is not Debra!

This is the woman who shows up once a month

to rip into me like a monkey on a cupcake!

- You listen. If my parents lit an orphanage on fire

on Christmas eve,

they wouldn't be as bad as your parents!

Huh? - Yeah.

Ooh.

Dropped the turkey. Dropped the turkey.

[music playing]