All language subtitles for Clayburn Cox So Heres the Thing

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
- Clayburn Cox.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

- Okay, hmm.
- [AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]

I grew up as an only child.
So for 18 years of my life,

I did not know
how to share anything.

I don't know
how to share things.

And so I moved
to Auburn, Alabama. I went to college,

and I had roommates.

So all of a sudden I had to go
from sharing absolutely nothing

to sharing everything instantly.

You see how
that could be a problem?

Do you see how that's
a difficult struggle for me?

Okay. So we had
to share a bathroom.

I went from sharing nothing
to sharing a bathroom with a stranger.

So we had two toothbrush cups.

I had an orange toothbrush cup,
and he had a blue toothbrush cup.

And I kept my toothbrush
in my toothbrush cup,

and he kept his toothbrush
in his toothbrush cup, and that's how we liked it.

So one time
I walked in the house,

and he had taken his toothbrush
and put it in my toothbrush cup.

What the heck is that?
That's not how I live my life.

So I got a Post-it note,
and I wrote,

"Dear sir, my toothbrush
is vastly superior to your toothbrush.

"Please kindly remove
your toothbrush from my toothbrush cup."

And I put it up on the mirror,
and I thought that'll settle the matter, right?

- Well, no, it did not.
- [AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]

So that homeboy,
he took down the Post-it note.

and on the back
he drew a picture of little muscular flexing arms.

And then he taped them
to his toothbrush,

and he laid
my toothbrush out flat,

so it looked like his toothbrush
had knocked out my toothbrush.

[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]

So, no, you don't.

Whenever he was gone, I took off
the flexing, muscular arms

and I taped on two little
scrawny Q-tip arms onto his toothbrush,

then I'd snap the Q-tips.
What you gonna do now, homeboy?

Well, I'll tell you what he did.

He got dental floss,
and he hung my toothbrush from the towel rack.

So then I gave my toothbrush
a sharp kitchen utensil,

and I laid his toothbrush
in a pool of ketchup,

so it looked like my toothbrush
had gone all mafia on his toothbrush.

And then he stopped up
the water in the sink,

and he put my toothbrush
face down in the water,

and his toothbrush was just
peering over the ledge.

- So it looked like...
- [CLAPS]

his toothbr...
Are you clapping for that?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

MAN: And she only clapped
for it.

Nobody asked you anything.

So then I started up
a Facebook page for my toothbrush,

and I did not put his toothbrush
on any form of social media,

so it looked like his toothbrush
didn't even have a life.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So okay, I've been
a schoolteacher for 22 years now.

19 years ago,
there was a kid in the back of my class named Josh

because, of course,
it was Josh

and he's a successful
engineer now, which I hate.

So Josh, he raised his hand
in the back of the classroom and he said,

"Mr. Cox, do you like
the vegetable corn? Do you like to eat corn?"

I was like,
"No, I don't like corn."

He said,
"Why don't you like it?"

And I said,
"I don't like the taste or the texture of corn.

And he said, "Hmm. Okay."

And then he sat there
and talked about nothing but corn for like an hour.

So this bothered me
more than you could know.

Something about it,
it just didn't sit right.

Well, the next day,
him and his table of friends

talked exclusively about corn
for the 96-minute block class.

And they would ask dumb stuff.
They'd say,

"Who's your favorite general
in world history? Is it General Cornwallis?"

That's stupid.

So then, they...
I teach them to use Photoshop. That's my thing.

And so I told them
to use Photoshop,

and this one girl
took a picture of me

and she replaced my head
with an ear of corn.

And then she typed out
"Corn on the Cox."

And one kid took a picture of me
and in photoshop...

Okay. Did you know
there's a hairdo called cornrows?

Did you know this?
That's a thing.

In Photoshop
they gave me literal cornrows.

It looks like I had
cornrows of... head.

Does this...
Do you understand...

It sounds like a band
named Cornrows of Head.

One time I walked out
on the front porch of my house,

where I live with my family,
and there's a dang ear of corn on my doormat,

and there's a message beside it.

It said,
"This is just the beginning."

How do they know...
where I live?

And so then, one time, I was...

Morning after morning,
there was a fresh ear of corn.

Sometimes there would be
an ear of corn.

Sometimes there would be
a can of corn.

Sometimes they would
bring chalk,

and they would draw corn
on my driveway.

And sometimes they would
put it in my mailbox.

Sometimes they would hang it
from my basketball goal in the bag.

So many things.
So I emailed the principal where I work,

and I said, "Just so you know,

"the teenagers are bringing corn
to my house all the time."

And then he said...
He emailed back, and he said,

"Mr. Cox, I don't care
what the teenagers say.

"Out of all the teachers here,
I think you're probably the cream of the crop."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING]

You're clapping for that?

[WOMAN LAUGHING]

Yeah, What kind of humanity
was that?

One time I went
to the grocery store,

and I wanted two things
in the world, I wanted cocoa puffs and peace.

That's all that I wanted.

So I was going to the cashier,
and when I was checking out, her phone rang.

Did you know that
they have phones? The cashiers, they do.

So she picked up her phone,
and she looked over at me, and she nodded her head.

And she hung up. She said,
"I think you forgot your corn." Who called you just now?

One time I went
to the swimming pool

and there were six humans
in that pool.

Me and two of my children
and three strangers I've never seen in my life.

And across the pool,
one of those strangers yells,

- "Corn!" Who even are you?
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It was a one-word conversation
with a stranger.

One time, I'm not
making this up,

I went to watch
a theatrical production.

And somebody was handing out
a bunch of programs

to all the people saying
respectful words to them,

and they handed me one,
and they just said "corn."

One time for our anniversary,

I took my wife to this
very nice bougie restaurant,

and it had, like a printed menu,
a printed menu.

And it said on the menu,
"Dear Corn and Karen Cox.

"We hope you have
a cornderful evening."

What is that?

Who has... What authority figure
at that bougie restaurant

has the capacity to make
something like this happen?

By the way, my wife's name
is Karen,

but she's not a Karen,
you know what I mean?

So my wife, Karen, would like
to thank your manager.

If somebody watches this
in 20 years, they won't know what that means.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

One time I was in my classroom
and I put my hand in my pocket...

What the heck?
There were kernels of corn down in my pocket.

How is this even a thing?
What is this? How does this even be a thing?

One time they came to school
and multiple children,

multiple teenagers
had made their own T-shirts, and they said "Corn Pappy".

What does that mean?

I don't know.

Other teachers get gifts.

They'll get like a gift card
to Applebee's or to Starbucks.

I like Applebee's. Great.
They don't give... They give me...

Literally, I'm wearing
corn socks right now.

- I am not making this up.
So... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

They give me corn ties.

They give me corn mugs.
They give me all manner...

They give me corn candles.
There are so many...

There's a shrine to corn
in my classroom.

So here's what happened.

So I told this story,

and a girl from our school,
she recorded me telling it,

and she put it
onto social media, onto the TikTok.

It's kind of like, uh...
It's kind of like Facebook for young people.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And we didn't know
what would happen.

Well, here's what did happen.

25 million people saw it.
That's what happened.

So all of a sudden it went
from it being Auburn, Alabama knows I don't like corn,

to the world knows
I don't like corn.

I was bombarded with
everything related to corn.

I got corn messages.

I got facts and information
that I did not care about.

I got photographs
of the vegetable

and the context
of the vegetable.

Someone subscribed me
to an email list

for the National Corn Farmers
Association.

So many things.

Someone sent me,
to my mailbox, a T-shirt... It was from Texas.

it didn't even have a name
on it or a message or anything.

It was just a picture of corn.
And it said "A big lump with knobs. It's got the juice."

Who sent that? I have no idea.

I will never know.
It is so many things.

So after the show,
I don't really care what you do or don't say about the stories.

But if you say that
one of my jokes is corny, I'll slap you.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So, uh, my wife is actually,
um, right back...

Let's see, there's my wife
right there.

She's a wonderful lady.
She's beautiful.

And she's better than me
in every way. Um...

But the one kind of
weird thing she does is, uh,

sometimes she asks me
questions at night that I can't prepare for.

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- So the other night she goes,

"Clayburn, would you still
love me if I had a third eye?"

I said, "Sweetheart,
you know I love you,

"but we cannot afford
that kind of surgery right now."

- [AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]
- [CLAPS]

One guy clapped once.
What is that?

It comes across as a threat
when you do it like that.

That's not how
our American culture does it. Like...

So, uh, just to reinforce
how much I love my wife, I decide...

Oh, somebody's taking a picture.
Let's do this right.

Point and shoot.
That was a very elongated picture.

Like, what's taking you so long?

Somebody got an eyeful
back there.

So to reinforce how much
I love my wife, I decided to write her a little song.

I'm just gonna go
get the guitar and be right back and do a little thing. Okay?

[AUDIENCE WHISTLES, APPLAUDING]

[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]

[LAUGHING]

This is for my wife.

♪ I would love you
If you had a third eye

♪ It'd be cool to watch you cry

♪ I'd still think
You were beautiful

♪ As I stared into your tri ♪

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[CHEERING]

The guy in the back
knows how to clap now. So...

[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]

Okay, here's the thing.

I grew up in Ragland, Alabama.
It's a very small town, and we don't have a lot to...

There's no spoon-fed
entertainment, right?

And so if we want
to have fun, we have to make fun.

And so, um, my cousins went
to this outdoor auction, and before it started,

there was a lady that was
standing around the side.

There's about 100 people there.
And she had a pet monkey.

So, first of all,
she's the kind of lady who has a pet monkey.

That's a category of humanity.

The guy who clapped once
in the back probably...

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- He probably has a pet monkey.

So my cousin
overheard this lady say,

"Oh, he's a very sweet monkey,

"but don't make eye contact
with him

"because he'll see that
as a form of aggression

"and then he may show aggression
in return."

So my cousin lost all
interest in the auction.

All he cares about now
is the science experiment.

So the auction starts.
And it's like this,

there's one human,
the auctioneer is up front,

and all the other beings
are facing forward.

There were two beings in that
general outdoor area, that were not facing forward,

my cousin and the monkey.

And so the thing starts,
and my cousin is just staring

a hole into this monkey's head.
I am not making this up.

So the monkey
didn't realize it at first.

And so he's just like
bebopping around like monkeys do, you know.

And so after maybe
5 and-a-half minutes,

the monkey looks over
and he sees my cousin looking at him.

And so the monkey has...

There's about two nanoseconds,

you can tell this monkey
is thinking, "Is this intentional or... "

So my cousin wanted
to make it, like, very clear,

so he opened his eyes
and showed his teeth a little bit.

So, okay, here's the thing
about monkeys.

If you've never seen one,
let me just describe them for you.

They're small creatures

with full body hair
and finger toes and anger issues.

So we humankind,
when we get angry, we escalate slowly in anger

like, "Oh, I'm going
to write my congressman.

"I'm feeling salty today."

Of all the flavors,
I feel salty, right?

Not so with monkeys.

So the monkey instantly loses it
and jumps from this lady's shoulder.

I am not making this up.

This happened.

So the monkey,
showing his teeth, jumps off

[YELPS] like only a monkey...

Like only a monkey
can sound. A monkey and a guy in the back. So...

So thankfully, he was on
one of those full body leashes,

like the bad kids at Six Flags.
You know what I'm talking about?

So the lady wrangled him
back up.

Monkeys are very strong.

And so she got
the monkey back up. And the whole auction...

Here's the thing.
When a monkey tries to attack a human,

we learned that
for 8 and-a-half minutes, everything shuts down.

So everybody else
is just thinking like, "Oh. What a naughty monkey."

And my cousin was like,
"Oh, what a bad little guy."

And so after that was all over,
everybody's facing forward now,

including my cousin,
who's just trying to pretend like he's a normal human.

So then he can feel...
It is palpable.

He can feel the monkey
just glaring at him.

I have never met
a grown man with a beard

who has little enough pride
to handle that, right?

So it took him maybe
two and a half minutes.

And he could just feel
this monkey glaring at him.

He could just feel it
like the rays of the sun.

And finally,
after a little bit, he goes...

And he showed his teeth again.

So the first time the monkey
wanted to harm my cousin,

The second time the monkey
wanted to destroy my cousin.

Again, leaps off like Superman

[SCREECHES]

showing teeth, the whole thing.

The monkey wanted to
de-exist my cousin. Do you hear what I'm saying?

But again, she yanked him
because he was on the full body leash.

So some stranger,
a different human

that we did not know,
walks by trying to help the monkey.

I am not making this up.
He bites him on the ear. He's so mad.

He's like, "I can't bite you.
I will just bite a thing that looks like you."

So, here's a thing
that happened at school.

So when I was a young teacher,

there were three kinds of drink
in the world. Three types of beverage.

There was water,
there was Coca-Cola and Coca-Cola things,

and then there was
the naughty drinks that nobody can bring to school.

That was the only
real categories.

So during my career,
they invented Monster Energy drinks.

That is a new thing
for me as a new school teacher.

And so I bought one.

It's just a bunch of caffeine.
No big deal.

But they look different,
and they just feel different than a Coca-Cola.

And so when I bought one
and I opened it, I started getting self-conscious.

I was like, "What... What if
my boss sees me hold this? Will I get in trouble?"

It feels different and new,
you know?

And so while I'm trying
to process what should I do with this thing,

some former students
come in for a visit.

And so real quickly
I had to make a judgment call,

and so I stuck it
into my pocket.

So I had deep pockets.
I'm not making this up.

So I have an open can

of Monster Energy...
energy drink.

It's hard to say those words.
It's hard to say those words together.

In my deep pocket.

So they come in
for a sit down visit.

I'm like, oh,
it's a sit down visit, okay?

So I'm trying to sit down
like a pregnant woman.

And you can't...

Here's the thing.
You can't sit down

with an open
Monster Energy drink

and not spill secretion
out of your pants.

That's not how physics works.

I'm not making this up.

So the whole time,
I'm sitting there fully aware.

I'm conscious that
there is a steady drip, drip,

drip of ultraviolet
yellow secretion coming out of my pants.

And so the whole time
they're talking, I'm just thinking,

"Look me in the eye,
look me in the eye."

I don't want them to notice
what's going on.

Sometimes it's not even a drip.
Sometimes it is a small stream

of fluid coming out of
the pocket of my pants.

And so after...

They were there for probably,
probably seven long minutes.

And every now and then
I try to catch a time when they're looking away,

and I'll glance down,
and sure enough

there is a pool of yellow
just sitting right down...

Was some getting
on my pants? Yes, it was.

So every time they started
to look at me again, I tried to focus on them.

And so after they left...
Or as they were leaving,

I had to try to stand up again

in a way, that wouldn't
compromise the fact

that I had an open
Monster Energy drink

dripping from my pants.

Some of you are
probably thinking,

"Was it a concrete type of floor
or a carpet floor?"

Because a carpet floor
might absorb the yellow secretion.

No, it was good and concrete.

It was the slick concrete.

Every bead of this
was shining in the light.

So they left, and I thought,
I think I dodged this mishap.

I don't think they noticed.
So years go by,

and at this point
I'm more confident

as a schoolteacher
and as a human,

I know that Monster Energy drink
is, like, totally acceptable

in the school setting, right?
So I feel fine about it.

So I had the younger sister
of one of these guys as a student.

And so I told her,
"You know what? Let me tell you a story."

And I told her the whole thing.
I just told you guys,

and I said, "I don't think
he even noticed."

She said, "No, no, no.
That's the first thing he told me about you."

So from his vantage point...
Let's back up in time,

he walks in the door to see
a pillar of his community, the schoolteacher.

The teacher sits down
and instantly starts dripping yellow out of his pants.

Does he address it? No.

By the way, there comes
a time when the time has come and gone.

You can't say something about
dripping out of your pants anymore.

Like, when you don't know
somebody's name,

there comes a time you can't ask
their name, right?

After about 45 seconds,
that bridge is burned.

And so he's looking
at this teacher who just keeps dripping

for seven minutes.

Is it like a quick little drip?
No, he has a leak. This teacher has sprung a leak.

Is he a robot? Like,
is he dripping battery acid?

What is wrong with this man?

Does he know?
Does he not know what's going on?

If he does know,
what kind of terrible,

toxic beverage has
he brought to school

that he's just gonna
not even address what he's... holding in his pocket?

There was not one good thing
that happened that day.

Did a little spittle come out
of my mouth just now?

Yeah, it did, because
I'm passionate about this.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

The moral of that story
is "don't do that."

So let's see here.

There's more things I want
to talk to you about.

Okay, so here's one.

So the first year I ever taught
at a high school,

I am a graphic design teacher.

But they did not have
a lab set up. They weren't ready for me.

So they said, "Can you come
teach ceramics for one year?"

And I don't know
how to teach ceramics,

but I needed a job
and my name is Clay. So, like, how bad...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So every day I'd just come in
and be like,

"Guys, I don't know.
Just make a mug, I guess."

So one day,
this particularly lazy kid,

he worked so long and hard
on this contraption.

I didn't know about this thing,

but it looked really cool
and he worked real hard on it.

And so at the end of class,
I picked it up in front of the class

and was like "Guys,
this is the pot of the day.

"I want you guys to do
more stuff like this."

And I put it up on the shelf,
and then I gave him a pack of cheese crackers

because that's like
the gold medal in my class, right?

And so the class left

And my teacher aide comes in,
and my teacher aide looks up on the shelf,

and he said,
"Mr. Cox, you know what that thing is right?

And I was like
"Yeah, man, that's the pot of the day."

He said, "Mr. Cox,
that's called a bong."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

If you don't know where that is,
ask your mom.

So back up in time.

Totally innocently.
I had no idea. My conscience was clean.

I... Back up in time.
I picked this thing up in front of the class.

First of all, I called it
"the pot of the day."

I said, "Teenagers, you guys
do more things like this."

And then I gave him
a pack of cheese crackers.

He probably had the munchies.
I scratched, like, every itch of the things not to do.

So I can see you shaking
your head at me. Like, this is a live thing.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's very condescending.

You ever make
a bong in my class, see what happens.

See what I'll do with it.

I'll clap one time.

The people who are
watching this later,

if this does make the cut,
they won't know what that means.

Are you getting
my good side over there?

So...

I was kinda...
There was sort of a roll going on with everyone.

Everyone seemed to be
on the same page,

and the wave had kind of
come and gone.

And then you were like,
"No, I'm jumping in now."

It really kind of
threw me off track.

So if the special
doesn't go well,

like, I'll feel like
it's your fault, you know what I mean?

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- So...

So far, are there any questions?

You good? All right.
So, uh, let's see here.

There... Oh. Yes, sir?

MAN: You asked about a question.

So did the engineer's plan work?
Are you a fan of corn now?

First of all, I didn't...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

First of all, I didn't ask
if you had a question.

I said, "Does anyone have
any questions?"

Was I expecting anyone
to actually have a question? No, I wasn't.

And then after I said,
"Does anyone have any questions?

"Does anyone
have any questions?"

There was a pretty decent,
significant amount of time that went by

where no one had any questions.

Then you raised your hand
kind of abruptly.

And before I said "Yes, sir.
Do you have a question?"

You instantly just bombarded me
with your question.

And it was a bad question.
I don't like your question.

WOMAN: What's the answer?

So what did you just say
just now? I really don't care.

So here's the answer.
No, I don't like corn. I'll never like corn.

I hate corn. One exception.

Okay.

Popcorn. Here's the thing.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Let me speak to you
metaphorically.

You look like a smart man.
Okay, So...

A caterpillar is
a yucky-looking creature, right?

And it goes into a cocoon,
and it gets its act together,

and it comes out
as a beautiful butterfly.

Right? Well, okay.

So, popcorn, it's not so great,

but then it goes into
the microwave and it repents,

and it comes out
a beautiful thing.

So is it still...
I don't even want to say the word anymore.

Is it still, mmm?
No, not anymore.

It was, mmm,
but now it's a butterfly.

I work at the largest
high school in the state of Alabama.

It's very big, right?
So there's teenagers...

It's just riddled with teenagers
everywhere, running around.

The only place of solace
at this giant mega high school

is the faculty lounge bathrooms.
That's it.

So we go there sometimes
just for the peace,

just to stand there
for just a minute, right?

And so let me
describe it for you. It's a wonderful haven

that's roughly the size of about
about five coffins. It's about five coffins big.

So inside the teacher's
faculty lounge bathroom,

there's one teacher
who figured out there's an air freshener in there.

And once every 30 minutes,
it pushes this button to release the air freshener.

And so he realized that
it's exactly the same size as an air horn.

So he took out
the air freshener, and he put in an air horn.

If you've never
experienced an air horn,

they are real loud.

So he realized that it...
Once every 30 minutes, it does the button, right?

But if you push
the reset button, it goes eight seconds,

and then it pushes...
Then it starts the 30 minute paradigm.

Does this make sense? Okay.

So he stood there at the door
and he held his finger on the reset button,

just waiting for
a victim to come in. And so I was that victim.

The door
to the faculty lounge opened, and he pushed the reset button,

and he really quickly
walked into bathroom number two.

So the only option
was bathroom number one.

I didn't realize
what was going on,

so I walked into
bathroom number one and I thought,

"This is my my sweet relief
from teenagers for just a few minutes," right?

Little did I know that
I had six seconds left

before my life flashed
before my eyes.

So I'm standing there and uh...
Okay, there's a few things we need to talk about.

Let's talk about science
for a minute.

Your body is ready
for two things when danger comes,

fight or flight.

I'm in the bathroom by myself.

There's no one to fight.
There's nowhere to flight.

So your body just reacts

like no human body
is supposed to react.

It just does crazy things
because it doesn't know what to do, right?

And when you hear the screeching
of the piercing air horn bouncing around the walls,

your brain doesn't
immediately go to,

"Oh, this is just an air horn.
No big deal."

Your brain is like,
"What? Hulk is about to kill me right now."

This is what your brain goes to.

There's more to that story
that I cannot tell you.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I haven't told my wife.
I will never tell.

I just have to live
with some things.

There's no punchline here.
This is just a thing that happened.

I'm trying to alleviate
my burden just a little bit.

So... a little awkward silence.

I just need...
I need somebody in the crowd to fart out loud.

- That's what... you wouldn't...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I tell the teenagers in my class

to, uh, sign my yearbook
every year, and there's two rules.

One is you have to write
more than just your name

and the other is,
you cannot write "HAGS" or "have a great summer." Right?

And so one kid, he just wrote
"Dear Mr. Cox, have a summer."

That's lazy writing.
One kid, I'm not making this up, he wrote,

"Dear Mr. Cox, you're the reason
why I don't believe in freedom." What does that even mean?

On my final, it's like
a very project based class.

And so the final is just
like a survey, right?

So one of the questions
on the survey is,

"What was the worst part
of this class, generally or specifically?"

What's the worst part
of this class, generally or specifically?

One kid wrote, "Specifically."

[AUDIENCE CHUCKLING]

I have three daughters,

one is sweet, one is quiet,
and the other one's Kayla.

And so...

I'm not making this up.

One time I told
them the story about David and Goliath.

You know what I'm talking about?
The story of...

And so I picked up
their little blankie

to show them
what a slingshot was like.

And I told them,
David killed Goliath.

And they didn't say anything
for like an hour.

And then I was about to walk out
the door to go do a show,

and my sweet little daughter
comes up,

she said,
"Daddy, Please don't go."

And I said, "Sweetheart,
Daddy's got to go. I got to go do a show."

That girl picked up her blankie,
walked up to me and said, "I will kill you."

One time I was in an airport,

I was in the Atlanta airport,
and I was about to fly out to Boston,

and, uh, I was two steps
from the airplane.

Like, I'm just about
to get on the airplane,

and my phone rang,
and I pick it up,

and it's my wife,
and I wouldn't have answered for anybody else.

But she said,
"Hey, uh, let me just tell you something.

"I asked for our sweet
little daughter,

"'Do you want to pray for Daddy
to have a safe trip to Boston?"'

"She said, 'No...

"'Let's pray Daddy has
a safe trip to heaven.'"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm two steps from an airplane.

Like I get it. My daughter
was being sweet and respectful.

She didn't know
what she was saying, but my wife did.

And I will go to heaven.
I know Jesus, and I'll be there someday.

I didn't want to go
Tuesday on Delta. You know what I mean?

One time...
This is a true story.

So our, uh...
Our middle daughter,

she always wanted to go fast
all the time, drive fast.

That's all she would say,
you know.

So we had to give her
an object lesson.

And say, like, there's reasons
why we don't drive fast.

So we saw there was another car
that had a little accident,

and it was off
to the side of the road.

And so, we were driving,
we were like, "Sweetheart. That's why we don't drive fast.

"You see that car up there?
That car had an accident."

Well, to her young brain,
the word "accident" meant something different

than it means to our brains.

And so you could just feel
the little wheels in her head turning.

She goes,
"He went pee pee on the road?"

No, it wasn't
that kind of accident.

She goes, "He went poopy
on the road?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

There's some things
that irk my soul, and I do not like them.

For instance...
Okay, there's a movie about a circus man,

and he sings a lot.
Do you know what the name of this movie is?

- AUDIENCE:The Greatest Showman.
- The Greatest Show-man.

I say, Greatest Show-man.

Half of the humans
that live on this planet say The Greatest Showman.

It is very snooty
and condescending, and I do not like it.

It irks my soul
just a little bit.

The Greatest Showman.
I don't like that.

So why do I say
it's The Greatest Show-man?

Well, he's a man.
What kind of man? Show-man.

Batman. Iron Man.
Spider-man. Show-man. Right?

You know this song?
From, uh, the little sisters in the Disney,

the cold sisters
that sing so much about everything?

- Do you know what
I'm talking about? - WOMAN: Frozen?

The Frozen movies, yes.

They... They sing
"Do you like to build..."

WOMAN: "Do you want
to build a snowman?"

"Do you want
to build a snowman?" That's it. Okay.

So I have written
this word down. Here let me show you.

Do you want to build a snow-man?

Do you want to build a snow-man?

I would drop the mic,
but mics are very expensive.

You see, another thing that
bothers me deeply is, uh,

Okay, peanut butter MandMs,

I am certain that
they were created by Communists.

Here's the problem.

Am I saying peanut MandMs are bad?
No, they're not bad.

They're pretty good.
Here's the deal.

MandMs are fantastic.
Peanuts are fantastic.

Why would you put
two fantastic things together and make them pretty good?

You're making
both of the things worse.

Do you see the problem
that I had with it?

So I don't like that.
Another thing I don't like.

There's a song
by The Little Mermaid.

You knowThe Little Mermaid movies?

She sings this, okay.
I'm quoting her verbatim.

"I don't know when.

"I don't know how,
but I know something's starting right now."

Let me take out
four of those words.

"I don't know when,
but I know something's starting right now."

[AUDIENCE CHUCKLING]

That's when. Right now
is when, Little Mermaid.

Just imagine this...
Imagine that there are two worlds.

One is ours
and there's another one that is exactly like our world

in every way, except they don't
have any clouds.

You see what I'm saying?
So there's two worlds.

One world has no clouds at all.

And so if you try
to describe clouds to people from that world,

you would look totally insane.

So you'd have to say
"From where I come from,

"they're giant puff balls
floating in the sky."

You see how that sounds
kind of crazy?

So they'd be like,
"What color are they?

Sometimes they're white,
but sometimes they change colors.

"What are they shaped like?"

They're shaped like nothing.
And they're shaped like everything.

And sometimes they drop water
from above.

Water onto the ground.

"Oh, so like just like
a little bit of water?"

No, buckets of water.
And sometimes they shoot electricity.

I am not making this up.

And sometimes, they...
I am not making this up.

...set things on fire.
Do you see how this sounds crazy?

And sometimes they spin faster
than any washing machine.

And they'll pick up
large things.

They'll pick up cows.
They'll pick up trucks.

[imitating thunder,
wind whooshing]

That's what they sound like
sometimes.

That's what clouds are.

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- [CLAPS]

He clapped one time.

So I don't buy any name brand
Oreo cookies because they're very expensive,

and I'm on a budget.
I buy generic cookies.

There's like
the gas station cookies.

They're a lot cheaper,
but they taste almost as good.

So, here's the thing.

My mother-in-law came to town,
and she purchased me a whole pack,

a big pack of Oreo
name brand cookies.

And so I was very happy,
and I ate three of them and then I went to work.

And I came back,
and I opened the door,

and my dog had
that look on her face.

Like, you know, the guilty look.

She looked like
she'd committed two to three felonies.

She looked riddled with guilt.
And I thought, "What did you... Oh, no."

And six feet behind that dog,

there was an empty container
of name brand Oreo cookies.

And so, you know,
dogs aren't supposed to eat chocolate, right?

So I called my buddy
who's a vet, and I said,

"Hey, man, my..."

First of all, do you know
how many Oreos come

- in a container of Oreo cookies?
- WOMAN: About 30.

So, not 120.

What planet are you from?

Thirty-nine Oreo cookies come
in a packet of Oreo cookies.

I ate three of those cookies,

- that means that dog ate, like,
a bunch of Oreo cookies. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So I called my buddy
who's a vet, and I said,

"Hey, my dog ate,
like, a whole bunch of Oreo cookies.

"What do you recommend I do?"
And he said,

"Oh, I don't know
the toxicity of chocolate within an Oreo cookie."

And I said,
"Speak to me in one-syllable words, like, what..."

And he said,
"Make her throw up." And I said "How do I do that?"

He said, "Give her
two tablespoons full of hydrogen peroxide, and that'll do it."

So I got the first tablespoon
of hydrogen peroxide.

And I said,
"Hey, come here, dog.

"I just want to talk to you
for a minute."

And that dog with her face,
she basically spoke to me,

and she was like,
"I don't know if you remember,

"but I just ate
a bunch of Oreo cookies."

And so I couldn't
get her to come.

There's a reason, by the way,
that we dip Oreo cookies in milk

like ain't nobody dipping
Oreo cookies in hydrogen peroxide.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So I... I got a syringe.
We had it from my daughters.

And I sucked up one tablespoon
of hydrogen peroxide.

And I said,
"Hey, dog, come here.

"I just want to talk to you
while I hold a syringe. It's no big deal."

And the dog's like, "mmm, no."

And so I got one of those

pasteurized Kraft cheese,
uh, processed, square wrapped things.

You know what I'm talking about?

And I put it up
on top of the syringe and I was like, "Hey, dog,

"you want some cheese?
Can I give you some cheese?"

And then the dog was like,
"[HESITATES] okay."

So the dog came up.

And I don't...
Like, there's a lot of things I'm bad at.

I'm not bragging here.
But, like, bull's eye. I shot it directly

down the gullet.
Nothing but net.

So time out here.

Imagine, what do you think
a living creature looks like

with hydrogen peroxide
going down their throat

and bubbling back up
at the same time?

- [WOMAN EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST]
- Get that picture in your mind.

First of all,
what you don't know is you're not imagining it right.

Because dogs, unbeknownst to me,
have bonus tongue. I had no idea.

What unlocks it
is hydrogen peroxide.

The dog...
The dog in a very toad-like fashion

elongated her tongue and writhed

as though she were in,
I don't know, something like

an empty bathroom
with a screeching air horn.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So that was one tablespoonful
of hydrogen peroxide.

He said, to give her two.

So I got a second syringe
and a second piece of cheese,

and I put it up on top,
and I was like, "My bad, dog.

"Can I make it up to you
with some cheese?"

And the dog's like,
"Mmm... [HESITATES] Yeah."

I am not making this up.
Came back knowing full well that she was gonna have...

It's the best commercial
for pasteurized byproduct cheese stuff that's wrapped.

So good, you'll come back
knowing full well that you're going to have

hydrogen peroxide forced down
your throat against your will.

And so I forced it...
I did the thing.

And then... I don't want
to tell you too much.

But long story short.
My dog died.

WOMAN: Aw.

It was 4 and-a-half years
later, totally unrelated.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But two of the people out there
laughed too hard at that.

That was pretty shameful.

So...

My first week of being
at Auburn University,

I, uh... I bought an ice cream.

It was a cookies and cream
ice cream.

And I remember I was trying
to decide what was better,

the cookies or the cream?
I don't know.

And this stranger comes up,
this guy I had never seen before.

And he said, "Hey, man,
I like those shoes you're wearing."

I said "Oh, thank you.
I appreciate that."

And what I do is important.
I looked him in the eye,

and I licked my ice cream,
and I turned my back...

Like, that's social code for
"I don't want to talk to you anymore right now," right?

He did not get that.

And so he said,
"Wait, wait, wait, wait. Where'd you get them from?"

And I said "I got them
from a shoe store in Birmingham, Alabama."

And again I kind of
hard looked at him, and I started to turn away.

And he said, "Wait, hold on.
What size shoe do you wear?"

Well, that's none of
his business.

But I try to be a nice guy,
and so I said, "I wear a size 12."

He said, "Oh, I do, too.
Do you care if I try it on?"

So I was ready
for some things in life,

like "just say no to drugs."
That's a great message.

I was ready for them.

"Hey, stranger, do you want
some drugs?" "No."

"Do you want some drugs?" "No."

"Hey, stranger,
can I try on your shoes?" "I really... I really... Okay."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So I sat down
at the nearest bench,

and I took off my left shoe,
and this stranger puts it on.

I am not making this up.

So he said, "Man,
these are good-looking shoes."

I know
they're good-looking shoes. That's why I bought them.

Why did you need
to try on one of my shoes

to know it was
a good looking shoe?

He said, "Tell you what.
Do you want to try on one of my shoes?"

I was like, "Why not?"

Well, here's why not?
Because it's stupid. That's why not.

But I wasn't ready
for this kind of thing.

So I'm literally wearing
one of my shoes and one of his shoes.

He's wearing one of his shoes
and one of my shoes.

And he said,
"Hey, man, um, I... Do you just want to trade?"

Well, I might try on
someone else's shoes at their beck and call,

but I'm not necessarily
going to trade for keeps

because that's
a permanent transaction.

And so I said, "Tell you what.
Just let me take a walk in both of your shoes.

"And you take a walk
in both of my shoes

"and we can meet back here
at the park bench

"and decide." You know.
So that's what we did.

So I'm walking
in the stranger's shoes

and I think, well,
I've already got them on now.

And his shoes
were so comfortable.

It felt like cotton
between my toes. It was like walking on air.

So I decided I think
the best thing I could do

is just to trade shoes
with this guy.

That's a good idea to do now.

And so I came back to the bench
and he was still sitting there

and he said, "Well,
did you think about it?"

And I said, "Yes, sir, I did."

And he said,
"What do you want to do?" I said, "Let's do this thing."

So we shook hands
and said goodbye and parted ways.

And if anybody ever asks me,
"Have I ever walked a mile in someone else's shoes?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You have no idea.

My mom went on a shopping spree
from a grocery store,

and they said she had
2 minutes to run around and grab everything for free.

And she went straight
for the cash register.

I told her to go for the butter.

In this is an economy,
I cannot afford name brand butter.

I cannot even afford
regular generic butter.

I have to buy
generic generic butter.

It's called
"I can't believe I can't afford it.

"I can't believe
it's not butter."

I, uh...
Back in Alabama, we, uh...

We used to rank
49th in education.

And I told my school teacher,
and she said, who got 40-10th?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's like, I don't know, Mom.

I do know I told that joke
in Mississippi, and they didn't get it.

Back in Alabama,
our yard was all dirt,

and we could not afford
grass or sod.

And my mom had told me
that old saying,

"The grass is always
on the other side."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

One time I was
out there barefoot,

and I got bit
by a big old fat ant.

It was Aunt Peggy.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Aunt Peggy taught me
all those old Alabama sayings like,

"An apple a day
will not keep the doctor away, but a restraining order will."

Here's a little song I like
to sing to my children.

Here's the problem.

So the mic stand...

The mic stand
is not tall enough.

I'm a tall guy.
I'm a big boy. So...

Do we have any volunteers
who could just come hold the mic for me?

Would you? Would you mind?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[AUDIENCE CONTINUES CHEERING]

- WOMAN 1: Go, Carmen!
- WOMAN 2: Whoo!

[LAUGHTER]

- It's very awkward but it's...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I like that less than
all the other...

♪ Old MacDonald had a farm
E-I-E-I-O

♪ And on that farm he had

♪ A random conglomeration
Of arbitrary vowels

♪ E-I-E-I-O

♪ With an "E" here
And "I" there

♪ Another "E" another "I"
Then comes a random "O"

♪ Old MacDonald
Had a phonics problem

♪ E-I-E-I-O...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He probably went
to the University of Alabama,

♪ And on that farm
He had a bird

♪ E-I-E-I-O

♪ With a...
Here and a... there Here, there...

It must have been a penguin.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Because penguins
don't make noise.

You know what I'm saying? So...

They're a silent type of bird.

♪ And on that farm he...

- [CARMEN LAUGHS]
- You breathed on my neck.

The yuckiest mic stand.

♪ On that farm he had...

This time it was a regular bird.
It wasn't a flightless bird.

It wasn't an ostrich or an emu.
It wasn't another penguin.

It was a flightful bird.

- Like, maybe it could have been
a pigeon or a sparrow. - [INAUDIBLE]

Please don't speak, mic stand.
So...

You have one job here. So...

But you're right.
It could have been a duck.

But it wasn't a duck.

It was a different...
Like a common feathered type.

Like maybe one of those
blue speckled...

♪ E-I-E-I-O

♪ With a... here and a... there
Here, there...

- It was a dead bird.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

This part of the show
has been brought to you by Chick-fil-A.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

♪ And on that farm
He had a comedian

♪ Who still had
roughly 22 seconds To fulfill his contract

♪ E-I-E-I-O

♪ With a blah, blah here
And blah, blah, there

♪ Here a blah, there a blah,
Everywhere a blah, blah

♪ Blah, blah here
And a blah, blah there

♪ Here a blah, there a blah,
Everywhere a blah, blah

♪ Blah, blah here
And a blah, blah there

♪ Here a blah, there a blah,
Everywhere a blah, blah

♪ Old MacDonald had a farm

♪ E-I-E-I...♪

- I don't work overtime.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[CHEERING]

♪ For by grace, you have been
Saved through faith

♪ And this is not
your own doing

♪ It is the gift of God

♪ Not the result of works

♪ For by grace, you have been
Saved through faith

♪ And this is not
your own doing

♪ It is the gift of God

♪ Not the result of works

♪ So no one may boast ♪