Original subtitles

♪ ♪

[Tina] Yes.

I can't wait to munch on some lunch. [chuckles]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy there, slugger.

[straining] Dang it. Come on.

Can't reach the chocolate milk.

Tina, let me see your arm for a second?

Oh, um... [straining]

Just, I'll give it right back. Just lean in, Tina.

Grab it. Grab it. No, no, no, no, the one behind it.

- Oh, okay. - [sighs] Thanks.

- No problem. - Gah, shorter students

need sugary milk too, right?

So do big buxom boys.

- Louise? - Oh, hey, Arnold.

Can I join you? There's a matter of great importance

we need to discuss.

Okay...

Louise's brother, sister, greetings.

- Hey, Arnold. - Hi, Arnold.

I'm starting a business

that will serve the Wagstaff community,

and, um, I need your help.

- It's a bodyguarding service. - Oh.

- Who's gonna be the bodyguard? - Me.

- Oh. - Hmm. - Huh.

Yeah, and I'm calling it "Mr. Safebody."

Arnold, I don't want to be rude, but you're kind of not

maybe the most physically obvious choice of a person

to be a bodyguard because of your general size and shape?

I mean, you make me look like a giant.

Being a bodyguard has very little to do with size.

It's 90% up here,

and it seems like you didn't notice

what I have down here.

Um...

I'm talking about my belt.

- Oh, got it. - It's green now.

I recently leveled up in karate,

and I'm ready to use my skills in the real world.

Not sure what you need me for.

You got that belt. It's green.

Louise, something changed in me when I got this belt.

It whispered to me, "Go, help people.

You're ready, buddy."

My belt said, "I don't go with those shoes!"

I just need kids to believe in Mr. Safebody.

And, Louise, you can sell them on my abilities.

I saw what you did with that oral report

on the book I'm pretty sure you didn't read.

That's where the red fern grows.

Right here. Right here!

- Thank you. - [applause]

I want you to help me make a video.

- A video? - Yes.

A video advertising my services.

Like your book report, but it'll be me in a video.

I put it online, maybe a website,

maybe a Super Bowl ad. I'm not sure yet.

Mm-hm. It all sounds a little ambitious,

so I politely decline?

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Don't answer yet.

- I mean, I just did. - Shh, shh, shh.

Take some time, think about it.

And remember: Un-big people can do not-un-big things.

- Huh. Uh, wait, what? - [school bell rings]

Oh, crap. Lunch is over. I forgot to eat.

Gotta get it in me.

I'm a growing boy.

Nutritious food.

Vitamins and minerals.

It's like watching a tiny little Cookie Monster.

[Linda] The plate goes

in here 'cause we don't throw 'em out.

But I want to.

♪ Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah, bah-bap-bah-bah. ♪

One burger of the day, please.

Oh, hi, Teddy. You're in a good mood.

I'm riding high from blasting

'90s mainstream alternative rock in my truck.

Remember the band Exit Ramps?

♪ Hey, buddy, do you like the way I do my thing? ♪

Uh, yeah. Um, why are you listening to that?

There's a new '90s mainstream alternative rock radio station.

Crank FM. Trust me, if you like

'90s mainstream alternative rock,

you'll like Crank FM.

I might not like Crank FM.

I want to listen to Crank FM.

Yeah, we should put it on.

Mm, um, no.

Okay, I can just sing it.

♪ Hey, buddy, do you like the way I do my thing? ♪

♪ Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah... ♪

♪ Doo-dah-dee-dah-die, a-do the thing ♪

It's bad, but I like it.

- ♪ Bah-bah-bah... ♪ - ♪ Bum-bum... ♪

Oh, okay. I'm just gonna

go make you a burger, Teddy,

so I don't have to listen to that anymore.

[school bell rings]

You're not gonna remember any of that, are you?

Hey, me again.

Have you thought any more about

making a video for Mr. Safebody?

Yeah, Arnold, I haven't.

Uh, just-just let me show you

what I can bring to the table.

The safety table.

Okay, why don't you...

protect me from that guy?

- Mr. Frond? - Yeah, beat him up.

Mm, you see, in karate,

we train in the art of fighting without fighting.

Yeah, one little punch.

Ah, Louise, as a green belt, I can sense things

that normal people without green belts cannot sense.

I have become a master

at avoiding danger. Follow me.

Where are we going?

Every day, when the final bell rings,

the seventh grade boys pour into the south hall,

full of beans. Seventh grade boy beans.

Welcome to the testosterzone.

It looks like they're playing Crotch Punch today.

It's a game where one kid

punches another kid in the crotch.

- Yup, sure. - And Mr. Safebody

is gonna get you through this crowd

and out the door without ever coming into contact

with a single seventh grade boy.

Bodyguarding.

Or we just use the front door and not do this?

Don't worry. You see, the hallway is a river,

and we just need to avoid the rocks.

The seventh grade boys, they're the rocks.

It's a metaphor. See, karate's all about metaphors.

And hydrating. Go left.

Bodyguarding.

Go right. Bodyguarding.

You-you don't need to whisper "bodyguarding."

Oop, left-handed crotch puncher. Give 'em a wide berth.

And Mr. Safebody just safed your body.

Okay, sure, we avoided the crotch punchers,

but bodyguards can't just avoid things.

I mean, there's no action movie called The Avoider.

Not yet. Okay, there's one more thing I want to show you.

Cool wood. Why do you have it?

You'll see.

All right, now just hold it a little higher.

Even higher. Still higher.

Perfect. Don't worry, you will not be harmed.

- Why do you keep saying that? - Yeah, I-I don't like it.

Hey guys, doing some after-school wood holding?

- Nice. - [Arnold] Quiet.

Please, I need to concentrate.

- Jeez. - [shouting]

[all shouting]

Kiya!

- What? - Holy crap.

- Whoa. - I always believed in you.

Did that baby just break a board?

Okay, Arnold, I'm sold.

I'll help you make your video.

And you have to teach me how to break a board.

Of course. It'll take months of training.

- Maybe we can do it at night? - Okay, never mind. I'm busy.

- Got it. So, just the video. - Yeah, just the video.

Welcome, everyone. We're all here to help launch

Arnold's new bodyguarding service.

It's called Mr. Safebody.

Oh, that's pretty cool.

Yeah, don't get attached to the name.

- [Rudy] Too late. - We need to come up

with a concept that's thrilling,

action-packed and tastefully violent.

- What's tastefully violent? - Homework.

- Oh, fun. - So, we just film Arnold

breaking a bunch of boards, right?

Maybe spice it up with different boards?

Chalkboard, clipboard, cheese board?

Yeah, yeah, we're gonna break a few boards,

but it can't just be that,

'cause nobody gets bullied by a board.

Tell that to corporate America.

Arnold, I think we got to film you in a fight.

Whoa, whoa, my goal is to avoid fighting.

Nobody wants to watch you avoid a fight.

People need to see you beat up bad guys.

I'm not gonna beat anybody up.

Okay, okay. How about this?

Not a real fight. A fake fight.

We set it all up, but we shoot it like it's real.

Like I was just walking by and caught it on camera.

The camera on my parents' iPad.

Right, but no one needs to know it's your parents' iPad.

I would like to give them a special thanks.

No special thanks.

Sorry, Mom and Dad.

There should be dancing.

No. This should look like a street fight.

Street fights have dancing. You don't know.

You live in your ivory tower.

You don't know what it's like out there.

There's tons of dancing.

- Gene, shush. - Uh, I don't know.

You know, a fake video that people think is real--

feels like it violates the karate code.

No, it'll be like a martial arts movie.

Those are fake but the karate is real.

Also, think of all the kids you're gonna help

because of this video.

Millions, I bet.

Maybe. I don't know how many kids go to our school.

Great.

Gene and Tina will play the bad guys,

and they'll wear hoodies so nobody recognizes them.

Who am I? A different bad guy?

Kinda the boss?

- Oh, victim. - Yeah.

[sighs] Fine. This is bull honk.

- What's that? - Nothing.

Excited for the opportunity.

Where are we gonna film this thing?

Maybe, like, a dirty dead-end street,

full of steamy manholes? Extra steamy.

No, we need it to look like our school.

People have to see Arnold in his element.

But we can't actually film it there

because we don't want kids to see us staging a fight.

It just hurts the whole "real fight" thing.

[Rudy] My cousin Mandy

says that sometimes older kids

break into that abandoned high school.

But we shouldn't go there.

- Why not? - 'Cause the older kids

that hang out there sometimes do bad things.

Like what?

I'm not sure, she didn't say!

Probably rituals, summoning demons.

I don't know. Who am I to judge?

- Anyway, we'll shoot it there. - Um...

- No, I thought we just established that - What?

- that's a terrible idea. - Uh, sure.

People, please. We get in, we get out.

It's fine. We need the daylight. Can we agree?

- I guess - Okay.

- daylight makes sense. - All right.

Come on, let's go.

Hey, Mom, Dad, we're gonna go

somewhere very safe

and do the rest of our school project.

Um, why did you say "somewhere very safe"?

Because it's that safe.

Do you not want us to be safe, Papa?

Of course we want you to be safe.

Where are you going?

School. A school. A safe school. Bye.

Well, that's not a building I'm excited to go into.

Dang, it's all fenced in.

Guess we have to head home and--

Crap, there's an opening.

Ooh. Good eye, Tina.

[Tina] Yep, yep.

Thank you. Afternoon delight, I call this.

- Aw. - Please don't call your coffee "afternoon delight."

- Why? - [loud rock playing on speakers]

- [Linda] What the heck? - Whoa.

[Teddy] They're really in a hurry.

Maybe they're excited to go shopping?

Our street has stores. Kinda.

The radio is so loud.

[Radio DJ] Crank FM.

'90s mainstream alternative rock!

Hey, it's Crank FM.

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, my God.

Oh, I love this one. Gravel Jelly, I think.

Ugh. You can't just leave your car like that, right?

With the music playing?

Bob, it's Gravel Jelly.

- What? - Come on.

Wow, you can really see the abandonment.

Um, what do you think that graffiti means?

"I eat your soul." Seems self-explanatory.

Okay, this hallway is pretty rough,

but I think if we push the trash off to the side,

close some lockers and frame the graffiti

out of the shot, we'll be good.

All right, now let's get into wardrobe, people.

God, I'm a good director.

So, yeah that's the license plate number.

I don't know if it's an emergency,

but the car is running and the door is open

and the guy hasn't come back.

And the music is so, so loud. It's Crank FM.

Do you know it? Doesn't matter. I guess I'll just

reach into the car real quick and turn the radio off.

Oh. It is? Uh, I-I won't touch anything.

Except for the radio? Can I--

Okay. Okay. I wo-I won't touch it.

What? What's going on?

The car is stolen and it was used in a crime,

- so it's an active crime scene. - [gasps]

- Whoa. - It's a crime car?

We got Crank FM playing in a crime car.

This is so exciting.

Shh! Okay. Uh, please hurry,

'cause the music is so loud

and it's a genre I really don't care for. Hello?

Oh. Uh, someone's on the way.

Soon, I hope. 'Cause the music.

Wow, the guy committed a crime.

As if '90s mainstream alternative rock

couldn't get any edgier.

[Louise] All right, we'll start with Rudy

standing at his locker,

putting away books.

That's where my bad guys come in.

My character's name is Kevin, by the way.

He hates his stepdad.

His older brother just went away to the Navy.

Old Navy. He got a job there.

And Kevin's just feeling pretty alone right now,

- but loving that discount. - Ah, great.

Use it. Uh, Kevin, you're gonna walk up to Rudy

and slap the books out of his hands.

- And I'm gonna pick 'em up. - No, no, no, no.

You're, um, Michael,

Kevin's tough buddy, and you're gonna grab Rudy,

and Kevin's about to punch him when Mr. Safebody walks up,

shin kicks one of you and throat punches the other.

- Everybody good? - Yep, got it.

Quick question: uh, will those be

real shin kicks and throat punches?

Hey, let's just see where the scene takes us.

Let's just be in the moment.

Don't worry, I'll stop a fraction of an inch

- in front of your skin. - Oh, God.

Okay, places everyone.

And, action.

Another great day of school--

- [Louise] Cut! Cut! - What?

No. No lines, Rudy.

We don't want our voices in this.

I was just trying to ground the performance just--

- [Louise] What's that, Rudy?! - Nothing, that's a great note.

[Louise] Yes, it is.

Starting over. Action.

Okay, Kevin and Michael enter.

Whee!

- Whoa. Gene! Cut! - What?

First of all, like I said to Rudy, no talking.

- Second, what are you, spinning? - Should I shimmy?

- You can't spin into the shot. - Why did you have to say

"Like I said to Rudy?"

I don't understand. I like your choices, Gene.

Thank you.

You know who's replaceable?

Everyone!

Okay, starting over.

- Action! - Aah!

- Aah! - Aah!

[Louise] Nope, nope, no running away.

Okay, we're going again.

[Arnold exclaiming on video]

[Louise] This looks pretty good.

That looks real.

I look kind of buff for a victim.

Is it believable that I couldn't take care of myself?

Like, I don't believe it.

I bought you as a victim.

Oh, good.

Nice work, everybody.

That's a wrap-a-roo.

I think Spielberg says that.

Now, as a fun reward, can we leave

this broken-glass-covered hellhole?

[spray can hissing]

- Whoops. - [Breckin] What the crap?

Did you just spill our Ocean Breeze Blaster?

- Uh... - That was our only one.

We had to steal it from Devon's grandma.

Well, you stole it from my grandma.

Now we're gonna have to spill you.

- Oh, dear Lord. - Aah! I just spilled

a little in my pants, just to get the ball rolling.

Hey, you guys might want to reconsider how you talk to us.

We kind of have a secret weapon.

Our friend Arnold here.

He takes karate and he's a green belt,

and you guys should be very afraid of him.

Arnold, mess 'em up.

Aah...!

Uh, what's the plan here?

Um... run?

- Yeah, sounds good. - I'm open to that.

[all shouting]

[laughs]

We're coming for you, karate kids!

We're coming for all of you!

[whoops]

[whispering] Tina? Gene? Rudy? Arnold?

Where are you guys?

[Tina moaning]

Tina?

Hi. [moaning]

Wait, how'd you find me?

Dumb luck, I guess.

How the hell are we gonna get out of here?

I'm not really sure.

Those guys didn't seem intimidated

by Arnold screaming and running away.

[Breckin, singsongy] Little baby karate kids!

Our fists want to see you.

'Cause they want to punch you!

[Tina] I don't think we should fall for this

"come see their fists" thing. It's a trap.

- [loud rock playing on speakers] - Oh, remember this one?

♪ It's a see-through Sunday ♪

♪ And I'll see you someday ♪

Oh, the cops are here, Thank God.

♪ It's a see-through Sunday ♪

♪ And I'll see you someday ♪

♪ And that's the day that ♪

♪ You will see me too ♪

♪ 'Cause we have plans ♪

♪ To go to the café... ♪

He's not gonna turn it off.

- Yay! - Yay! - He's securing the scene

until the fingerprint guy gets here,

and the fingerprint guy is far away.

That's great, 'cause it's almost time for a rock block.

Commercial free, 30 minutes.

[sighs] I'm gonna go upstairs and lie down.

[DJ] R-r-r-rock block!

Or maybe sell the restaurant.

- No. - Or take a bottle of pills.

Bob.

Well, french fry,

I don't know how you got here

or how long you've been sitting there,

but that's never stopped me before.

Come here, you.

- Gene, put down the french fry. - Aah!

Is anyone else hiding in here?

I saw a dead rat.

I don't know if that counts as hiding.

Let's keep moving.

Unlike that rat. Rest in peace, buddy.

[muffled sneeze]

Did a bunny from a Pixar movie just sneeze?

[inhaler spraying]

Does the bunny have asthma?

Hi. It's dusty in here.

Glad you guys are still alive.

Wait, where's Arnold?

We haven't found him yet.

My legs fell asleep,

so I might fall down when I get out of here.

- Oh. - Boom. Called it.

[quietly] Arnold. Arnold.

Ugh, what's that smell?

It's not me, I don't think.

- Wait-wait, is it? - It's like a sewer.

That could be me.

Oh, wow. We found the smell.

I guess this is where they keep their sewage water.

Must have made it hard to play sports in here.

What's that-- a little stage thingy?

Looks like they had some kind of pep rally

or something before the poop storm hit.

- Poop rally. - It doesn't seem like Arnold's in here.

[Arnold] No, I'm here.

What? Where?

In the box.

Hi. Um, sorry I ran off.

Yeah, it's fine. Wasn't great, but we're past that now.

But why did you hide in the poop room?

I ran in here and I didn't realize how bad it smelled

until I already committed to the box thing.

All right, people, we're looking for windows,

we're looking for child-sized holes,

hatches, any way we can get out of here

and avoid the teens.

So, just run away?

Yes, but together this time.

Less like what you did before.

[sighs] It's true. I screamed and ran away a little bit,

but it's not right, those guys trying to scare us, you know?

We're little kids.

I'm a young woman, but I'll let it slide.

I don't like it either, Arnold,

and that's a great topic to dive into later.

Right now, I'm excited to avoid them.

You know: avoiding. Like you like to do.

Well, I kind of think I want to face them.

Yeah, we tried that. It ended like this,

hiding in a poop room,

Thriving in a poop room.

[lockers slamming in distance]

Oh, God,

is someone slamming lockers?

[Breckin whoops loudly]

It sounds like they're getting closer.

Close the doors. Close the doors!

Okay, hold them shut.

- Quietly. - Tenderly.

Maybe they left?

They probably have a lot of homework.

I hear high schoolers

have up to three hours of homework a night.

It's so unfair. Teens need sleep.

Not to mention down time.

[all shrieking]

Hold them shut!

[Breckin] Hey, kids. Our fists called,

they want your faces back. [whoops]

Our faces are flattered but spoken for!

Okay, we have to find something to jam in the door handle

and then we fashion some sort of boat,

sail across the poop water

and drop out the windows onto Tina.

Wait, what?

What do we stick in the door handles?

We don't even have the first part of this plan.

Louise, in karate, you avoid fighting

to avoid causing others pain.

You do not avoid fights out of fear.

Oh, really? That's, like, my favorite reason to avoid fights.

Arnold,

no more karate wisdom.

The truth is we're small and they're big.

That's the world we're living in, pal.

Those guys are gonna keep doing this to other kids

unless someone stands up to them. [grunts]

And good luck to that person.

They're gonna do great.

We can do this. We can fight them.

How do we frickin' fight them, Arnold?

By fighting without fighting.

Oh, my God. This again?

Yeah, this again.

They're stronger, but we're smarter.

And hotter.

Come on, we got to think.

It's hard to think when you're holding a door.

- So we can let go? - No, no, no!

- Okay, okay, okay, okay! - No. No.

- [loud rock playing on speakers] - Hey.

It's the fingerprint duster guy.

Finally. Look, he's got his little dusting kit.

[Linda] Aw, it's in a Caboodle.

It's about to get turned off.

He's gonna save me.

- Nuts. - Damn it.

♪ ♪

Oh, wait, I know this one.

I don't recognize it.

I don't remember the band, but it's catchy.

Kind of builds to a big chorus.

Oh, he's crankin'.

Yeah, he is. He's crankin' all over the place.

♪ And you know I wanna-- ♪

- [music stops] - Hey!

Oh, the duster guy turned it off.

What the hell?

Hey, turn the radio back on.

We were listening to that.

There's a body in the backseat.

- What? - Oh.

Just kidding. Here you go.

♪ ♪

- This guy! - [whoops]

♪ Yeah, yeah, you know it ♪

♪ You know it, you know it, I wanna-- ♪

I don't know if this is gonna work, Arnold.

If I die, bring the iPad back to my parents.

Ugh. Oh, God, it smells like poop in here.

Are you babies not potty trained yet?

Ha, very funny, older teens.

Very funny.

It's me, Arnold, the green belt.

And I'd like to fight the strongest among you.

[chortles] What?

What part of "he'd like to fight the strongest among you"

did you not understand?!

Uh, okay. Well, that's me.

I'm the strongest. Big time.

- I mean, we're both beefy boys. - Devon!

Come on, let's go. Right here, right now.

- Fight stance! - Oh, no, no, no, no.

You're not fighting here.

What do you mean, we're not fighting here?

Where are we fighting?

I would like to fight you out there.

Pretty cool fight location, don't you agree?

- Whoa. - Some people are calling it

Doo Doo Island.

What's the problem? Are you afraid

you'll fall in the doo doo water and smell like doo doo forever?

And you'll never find love because every date you go on,

they'll leave saying that guy smells like doo doo?

[scoffs] I'm not afraid of anything.

Sounds like you are.

It's okay to be a little afraid sometimes.

Shut up! Oh, my God. Let's fight already.

So, are we doing this or are we doing this?

Okay, I'm going. It's just... narrow, man.

Let's go, Ralph "Not-So-Much-io."

[laughs]

Whoa, whoa, uh, what are you doing?

We're supposed to fight.

That was the fight.

We just defeated you.

Uh, put the plank back up right now.

Devon, put the plank back up for me.

I'm not touching it. It's in doo doo water.

Put back the plank.

Say you'll never scare little kids again.

[mockingly] Yeah, okay, that's what I'm gonna say,

I'll never scare kids again. Eh...

Maybe we should scoop up a little doo doo water

and toss it at him?

No! Please! Please!

I-I seriously have a thing about getting poop water in my face.

I just, I-I can't.

Then say it.

I'll never scare little kids again,

I swear to God.

School's out. Time to go home.

Devon. Devon. Get me off Doo Doo Island.

How?

Find another plank.

I don't see any.

Devon!

I don't understand why that school's closed.

I'd go there.

The lockers are surprisingly comfortable.

Arnold, that was pretty cool.

I told you, Louise. Un-big people

can do not-un-big things.

And back to not cool.

Oh, we haven't filmed you breaking the board yet.

We could do it at the beach.

We've got some nice light right now.

Eh, that's okay. I realized I don't want

- to be a bodyguard anymore. - Oh.

[Arnold] I want to be a superhero.

[Louise] Okay.

[Arnold] Mr. Safebody,

student by day, superhero by night.

- Sure. - Well, not too late at night.

Don't want to miss books and bedtime.

♪ And you know I wanna ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ You know it, you know it, you know it, I wanna ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Bro down ♪

- ♪ Dance with me ♪ - ♪ I love it ♪

♪ Yeah, don't look back ♪

♪ That was then and we don't want that ♪

♪ Time for a bro down ♪

♪ Look into your eyes ♪

♪ When I'm dancing for ya ♪

[Linda] It's bad, but I like it.

Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT and TOYOTA.