Original subtitles

Thank you for everything, pastors.

When I was at my lowest point,

you two. - Okay,

thank you, Donna.

Wonderful.

That was great.

And my parents always loved when you would insist

on doing that during worship.

Okay guys, just a quick reminder,

this is a celebration of life, it's not a funeral, okay.

One day we will all join my parents in heaven.

Unlike the drunk driver who murdered them.

He didn't make it through the gates.

Amen.

Oh, "They all loved it when you would insisted"

"on doing it during worship."

"I'm the pastor's kid."

And you know what?

Your parents' funeral may not be exactly the place

that you should be all passive aggressive.

You know, I was one of the most loyal freaking members.

Okay, who's up next?

We have our newest member of our congregation,

Garrett Cunningham, AKA G. Money to do a rap.

Give him a big round of applause.

Yo, yo, yo, what's good, Peaceful Waters.

Lemme hear you make some noise.

This one goes out to Carl and Betty.

I never met you, but I miss you.

Stop looking so sad, we're up next.

Should have just had a regular funeral.

What?

No, this is beautiful.

♪ The devil is trash, he gives me a rash ♪

♪ I dare need to help God you freaking smell ♪

They're just gone.

How could this be what God wanted?

Look, I know you're sad,

but there's nothing mom and dad loved more

than to watch us dance.

Yeah.

♪ That's right ♪

They're watching us right now, so don't mess up.

Oh my God.

It's Donna.

Oh my God.

See, I told you.

Oh my God, who would do something like this?

We all know you've been through trials and tribulations,

but you are the new generations.

And as your new pastor, I'm going to need some help.

You are warriors on a spiritual battleground.

And every time you have a bowling night

or put on one of your little skits.

Frequent migraines, leave now.

That's another night that the devil

can't get his hands around these kids

with his pills and his porno and his Pokemon cards.

The three Ps.

Kevin, do you believe that God can heal the blind?

Yes, I do.

Why wouldn't he do that for you right now?

I don't, I don't know.

These glasses

were pretty expensive. -You don't need 'em.

Perfect vision, 20/20.

Uh, maybe I pray for the next one.

No way, I'm on a roll.

Oh.

Whoa, Mason, you okay?

Hallelujah.

God can heal that too.

♪ I can hear your voice, feel your presence ♪

I just wanna say that the Lord

sent me a vision last night,

a vision for my amazing girlfriend, Denise and I.

Yes, I will be your bride.

"Just then the wall explodes open"

"as the Tribulation Squad's armored truck"

"blasted to the warehouse"

"Not today, antichrist, yells Marcia"

"removing her red satanic cloak."

"You take my friends off of that pentagram now."

"That's right, I've been a believer this whole time."

"She pulls out two oozies, heroically."

♪ Jesus is my friend ♪

Oh, no.

No.

Oh my God, Charlie.

I got left behind.

Charlie, I'm gonna kill you.

What?

It's joke.

"And when they continued asking him,"

"he said unto them, he who is without sin"

"be the first to cast a stone at her."

Don't throw rocks, we get it.

Bethany.

Who do you wanna give your money to as the world crumbles?

Mickey Ds,

Uncle Sam's or God?

Who, by the way, is now accepting PayPal,

Venmo and Cash App.

It's new.

All you have to do is scan

your smartphone. - Over here,

I'm doing collection today.

No, check the calendar, Charlie, it's my Sunday.

What's going on?

She's confused.

I'm just gonna take the basket away quick.

I'm not confused.

Thank you so much, Charlie.

And the Lord loves when his children

remain peaceful with one another.

Just face it Charlie, you lost.

What is your problem?

Just give me the fucking basket.

You're the one that rapture pranked me again.

Yeah, yeah as retaliation,

because you constantly interrupt my sermons.

Oh, I'm sorry that the kids are falling asleep.

Open your Bibles to Hezekiah chapter, I'm bored.

Nobody cares.

Oh, I'm so sorry that the actual Bible

doesn't have machine guns in it,

like your doomsday propaganda.

God led me to the, "Tribulation Squad."

It's a really good book okay.

And the rapture could happen during literally this sentence.

Okay, that's enough kids.

Is this what you want to be like, at each other's throats?

You almost decapitated poor Louisa.

God healed her in like two minutes.

She basically has a new neck now.

Again, I'm really, really sorry about my outburst.

I don't know where it came from.

What you guys don't understand,

is that the church is going through a season

of financial testing.

Wait, what?

How bad is it?

It's not looking so hot.

You know, ever since the parking lot situation with Donna,

people are saying the church has a Satanic curse on it.

Parking lot situation?

Yeah, you mean the murder?

The investigation is still open all right.

The security footage was corrupted.

We have Satanists living in this neighborhood.

We know what happened.

You gotta stop going to their place.

Oh, do I?

Jesus loves you.

Ah.

We know what you did.

PK Doyle says that we need to fight fire with fire.

And what?

Make more fire.

Look, we just don't want people thinking,

"Oh, this is that church"

"where people die in the parking lot."

Even though the devil is a persistent bastard.

Just the other day we found bullet holes in the ceiling.

Oh, come back soon, Jesus.

This world is going straight down the tubes.

What about the play tomorrow night?

I mean, we have a pretty good turnout

coming for that, right?

That's true.

There'll be more butts in the seats.

But we have a problem with the Youth Group too.

No way, we're rock solid.

Well, Bethany wants to take a hip hop class

and then go to an electronic twerk festival.

Well, maybe a little break from group

would be good for her.

She could explore other hobbies, maybe.

Absolutely not.

This is the devil trying to weasel his way

into the very heart of this church.

I will not stand by and watch as Bethany goes off

to some secular hip hop sexual class.

Just make her go to the slumber party tonight

and we'll have her on fire for the Lord so hard,

Jesus juice is gonna be squirting out of her eyeballs.

Yes.

Save my daughter, save the church.

Rehearse the play.

All right, but you guys gotta tag team this, okay.

No more rapture pranks.

No more choking out my congregation.

You gotta take care of each other.

You got it?

We won't let you down.

♪ When I first met you ♪

♪ Yeah, I knew that it was love ♪

♪ I could hear his voice ♪

♪ From the skies above ♪

♪ Saying she's the one for you ♪

♪ Oh yeah, she's the one I made for you ♪

♪ Yeah, the Lord spent extra time on you ♪

♪ The Lord spend extra time on you ♪

♪ Yeah, the Lord worked overtime ♪

Hey, Denise,

we gotta go set up.

Do you not see my fiance ripping out his heart for me?

Yeah, Garrett, really a very sexy Christian song.

But we gotta go set up for rehearsal, so.

I loved it.

At least the part that Charlie let me hear anyway.

You inspire me.

You and God, like 60/40, God being the 60%.

I'm okay with that ratio.

Not that I don't worship you, I do.

Right.

No, but it's not a religious worship like you're a deity.

It's a romantic kind.

The devil is really tempting me to kiss you right now.

But I know it'll be so much sweeter

if we save it for our wedding day.

Same.

Jesus won't have to stay in between anymore.

Yeah.

Get in the other room Jesus, scoot.

Plug your ears, Lord.

Gosh, we are gonna be such a powerful couple.

Me with my incredible sermons

and you with your beautiful music.

Just like the way that Jesus rose the Lazarus from the dead,

these chairs are gonna be overflowing.

Clock's ticking.

Okay.

Okay.

Bye Garrett.

I love you.

I love you too.

My gosh, he's gotten so much better at guitar.

I miss G. Money.

It's not his fault he's anointed in many different areas.

Oh, hey Charlie boy.

Didn't mean to scare y'all.

That's okay.

How are you doing?

Check out who made the cover of this month's

Locked and Loaded Ladies.

Oh wow.

Whoa, good for you, Patricia.

It's cool, right?

Yeah, yeah, you look like you're having a fun barbecue

and then violence breaks out for some reason.

You know, it is so funny you mentioned barbecue

because I just bought way too much food for tonight.

'Cause obviously I'm not gonna do Halloween

and celebrate the devil, ugh.

Yeah, it's such an awful tradition.

Indoctrinating children into satanism

with costumes and candies.

Amen.

That's a little extreme, right?

No.

So, I guess I'm just hunkering down for the evening.

Looks like I got about enough food for two people.

Wow.

You're gonna be real full.

You're hilarious.

I'm inviting you over for dinner, Captain obvious.

You said you wanted to check out my armory.

Oh, oh, I do,

I do want to see all the guns you own one day.

It's just tonight, I can't, because.

We, yeah, we have our play rehearsal slash slumber party

with the Youth Group.

That, yeah.

Oh, that's right.

The big play, "Trick or True."

Oh, it's adorable.

Everybody is so excited for that.

Well,

we'll just find another time then.

Is that, um?

Oh, whoops, yep.

My little cowboy defender.

Just a little baby gun.

She has a gun.

What, on her?

Oh my God.

Hug the gun that you brought into our church.

No parking lot killer's getting the jump on me.

Patricia's always packing.

God bless.

Awesome, see you later.

She's so cool.

No, no, no.

Locked and Loaded Ladies.

Why don't you wanna date her?

She's the hottest woman in church.

She's so intense now, she's terrifying.

Okay, but everybody's intense compared to you.

You're like a dead fish.

Just because I can practice a little bit of restraint

when it comes to not saying every little thing

that pops into my brain.

Huh.

What?

Nothing.

You were gonna say something mean?

No, I wasn't.

I literally am so calm.

God has like kind of gifted me

with this like, newfound peace.

It's already begun.

I think I have a solution to our little Bethany problem.

But don't freak out.

Why would I freak out?

Oh.

Let me explain.

Nothing has got the kids more fired up about JC

than the Tribulation Squad.

These books are mind poison.

And I understand your position,

but the ritual scene is iconic.

And in group dance form, I swear it's gonna go mega viral.

Just let the girl take her hip hop dance class.

Okay, if she wants to come back after, she will.

No, we, oh, that class is a slip and slide

straight to hell, okay.

First thing you know,

she's dancing in her little booty shorts.

Next thing she's out on the streets

doing Sodom and Gomorrah stuff for cash.

So what, you're going to save her

by dancing around a pentagram?

Yes, in red satanic cloaks.

I've had this idea for a while now.

Why are you even asking me if you are already buying shit?

I'm, I'm sorry.

I should have talked to you about this sooner.

All of this end of days stuff, it's gotta stop all right.

Whatever happened to the more simple message

of Jesus' love and forgiveness and.

Yeah, that's good.

Um, maybe you can do a sermon about all that

before the dance.

You know, you can talk about being nice and crap.

Yeah?

Yeah.

With no interruptions?

I will try my hardest.

But sometimes you are boring.

No okay, I'm sorry, I'm just kidding, I won't interrupt.

Come on, we gotta do something.

All right, let's see your stupid dance.

Yes.

Thank you for trusting me.

Oh my gosh, thank you.

I promise, this is really gonna clarify some things for you.

I swear, you're not gonna regret this.

What, what, what, what?

The plant.

Two minutes and 37 seconds without detection.

I can do better.

Gordon, what the hell?

You scared the crap outta me, Gordon.

It's not my fault that you're unprepared for intruders.

If anything, you should just take this as a wake up call.

Why?

Why are you dressed like this Gordon?

Certainly none of your business.

But if you must know I'm practicing

for an upcoming camping trip.

Camping trip.

You can make fun of all you want.

I'm not the one who's gonna be eviscerated limb from limb

when that fateful day arrives.

Gordon.

Yes.

It's your turn to do the dishes.

I'm not sure that's true.

Yeah, yeah, it's true.

Check the whiteboard on the fridge.

I believe I told you already that I refuse to consent

to these absurd whiteboard regulations.

Oh, by the way, the Youth Group

is gonna be coming here tonight for play rehearsal.

And where, pray tell,

do you intend to host this rehearsal?

The living room?

Yeah.

- Oh, the living room. - Yeah.

- The living room. - Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Where I already told you I'd be hosting

my live stream tonight.

Can't you just live stream from your room?

Technically.

Fine.

One more month and he's gone.

Two, two months.

He's right, it's two.

- All right. - He's so weird.

Yeah, yeah he is.

Let's just go set up for your ceremonial dance.

Well, everybody, we seem to have run into a little issue

with the big unveiling tonight.

My two jackass roommates have invited over

a small army of Christian children this evening,

which is, you know, great news

that any roommate would love to hear.

So, they've claimed the living room.

But fret not, I will still be revealing my big surprise,

during my live stream, on schedule.

But what do we say here on the channel,

where there's a Sasq Watch there's a Sasq Way, huh.

So I checked in with my friend about, "The Backslider."

And?

And they loved it.

They loved it?

They love how personal it is, all the crazy family stuff.

You losing your faith and keeping it a secret.

And spoiler alert, you're about to get an email from them

because you got into the program.

Yay, thank God.

Yes.

See religious trauma ain't so bad.

Charlie, are you still there?

I'm getting dizzy.

Are you done?

Did God disrupt the signal or something?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm here, I'm here.

I just, I think it's all hitting me.

Ow.

It's time to open your eyes, brother.

Have a wonderful time, baby.

Okay, bye.

Bye, Pastor.

Sorry, he's like extra peppy tonight.

Big night without the daughter.

He's probably gonna bust out his old magazines

and yank it all night on the couch.

Bethany, gross.

Yikes.

Good for him.

Okay, new topic.

Have you guys been practicing your lines?

I've been trying, but I feel like with my head injury,

it's making it impossible.

Dear Lord, we ask you to heal Mason's head

and restore his memory so that we may put on

an amazing play to glorify your name.

Isn't that how his head got injured in the first place.

Hey, it's the whole gang.

Come on in, guys.

We've got an interesting surprise for you.

- I love surprises. - Hi, good to see you.

Hey.

All right, it's gonna be fun.

Hey, Charlie.

Yeah, hi.

Hey, Kevin.

Yeah.

You feeling okay?

Yeah, I'm good.

Just a headache.

I mean, I think my brain is still processing my miracle.

Okay, well, you know, you can wear your glasses, right?

Mason's wearing his.

I know, right.

-What's that on the floor. -What's going on?

Charlie.

Satanic.

Denise is everything okay?

Welcome youths, hope you brought your dancing shoes.

I can't believe people just do this every year.

Yeah.

My mom says dressing up like evil dead creatures is demonic.

That kid's, The Hulk, is that demonic?

- Yes. - Yes.

You guys are literally so homeschooled.

Okay, and then you're going to jack your arm

and then raise your hands up to Satan,

or your know, it's for a good thing,

but it's, oh yeah, excellent.

Really good.

So Charlie, you're not gonna dance.

I thought you and Denise were like this

amazing praise dance duo.

No, I'm retired.

Hmm, must be nice.

Circle up everybody, this is it.

Dance time, Bethany, come on.

That's right.

So we're gonna get you front row right here in the middle

'cause you're our pro dancer.

Very fun, very involved, yeah.

Yeah, it's fun, I love it.

Yes.

Oh, hey, before we begin the creepy devil dance,

I just wanted to remind everyone

why we're doing this in the first place, okay.

So. - Oh no,

okay I'm so sorry, we're rushed for time.

So we just gonna do a play rehearsal

and then just the dance.

So let's just do the dance.

But we talked about this.

Whoa Charlie, can we not argue in front of the kids?

Really rude.

Okay, all right, all right, whatever just.

Awesome, dance time, yeah.

From one pastor's kid to another.

Here you go, Beth.

Wait, what is this?

Okay, so do you remember how Marsha Dixon

infiltrates the Satanica ball?

Yeah.

Yeah so, we just thought it would be really kinda cool

if you spoke in Latin during the dance.

Really creepy, authentic.

You want me to dance while reading?

Yes, you basically are a Marsha Dixon.

Okay.

Wait, why is there blood on this?

Um, I had a nosebleed, sorry about that.

Let's go, here we go, thank you.

All right, you guys, this is it, your moment to shine.

Let's go.

Charlie, you ready?

Yep, just finding the song.

Okay and.

God, why am I even here?

Three, two, one, recording.

We just nailed it on take one.

Oh my gosh. - Good job.

Dude, that's gonna blow up so hard on TikTok.

We should send it to PK Doyle, maybe he'll share it.

I think he's a recluse who lives in a log cabin.

Wait, Bethany, are you okay?

It's smokey down there.

Bethany, what's going on?

I thought you did so good with the Latin.

You okay?

Whoa, hey Mason, can you go grab her some water, please?

I'm on it.

Hey Bethany, do you have any allergies

that maybe you didn't tell us about?

You really should disclose that.

- Yeah. - Hey, Bethany.

Hey, I'm so sorry that you don't feel well.

We brought you some water.

Why don't you just take a sip.

Why don't you take a sip, bitch.

Oh my God.

Forget the dance, this is gonna go viral.

No, no phones.

Do not record this.

Hey, hey Bethany.

Bethany isn't home right now.

My name is Askeroth

Okay, all right, Bethany, if this is some kind of joke,

nobody is laughing.

Ha, ha, ha, I'm laughing, bitch.

In the name of Jesus Christ,

I command you to leave this body now.

Ah, ah, it's working, it's working.

No it's not.

Bethany, we get you don't wanna be here,

but this is fucking crazy.

Tonight, I will claim many souls for Lucifer.

Would you like to know how many?

Satan, I command you to leave now strenuously.

666.

And once I have planned their souls,

I will make their beautiful corpses dance.

I could take all of your souls.

But for now, I'd rather make you watch.

Hey, you come back here Bethany.

You're not going nowhere, devil.

Time to feast.

Oh no, no.

Don't eat anybody.

Excuse me.

Have either of you seen kind of a blood-soaked little girl

run by here?

Growly voice.

She yelled, time to feast.

Oh man, we are screwed.

It's only temporary.

You'll get your cell phones back once we find the demon

and calm her down a little bit.

Calm her down.

She's possessed.

We should be reaching out

to a national prayer network right now.

There's no way Bethany could throw Charlie

across the room like that.

This is just like the, "Tribulation Squad."

No, we have no proof of that.

Are more of us gonna get possessed?

I had like three slices of that pizza.

I had four.

Do I look weird?

Okay, stop, this isn't a pizza related incident, okay.

This is just another in a series of attacks,

on our church, by the devil.

The kids are super freaked out.

Aren't you?

I mean this is just like pure evidence

that the supernatural realm exists.

They're gonna be going to church forever now.

Hold on, you're excited about this?

Duh, it's God's plan.

No, there's nothing to be excited about.

We are her youth pastors.

Pastor Bobby gave her to us to feed

and to teach about the Bible

and to give her back fully intact

without her pretending to be possessed

by some demonic dancing demon.

Pretending?

She's not pretending, okay.

Exhibit A, demon blood.

Ah, she's got you fooled.

All right, this is classic Bethany behavior.

All right, you'll see.

Who are you calling?

Who do you think?

You can't call a demon?

I'm not calling a demon,

I'm calling a rebellious teenage asshole.

Hello?

Hey Bethany.

Hi.

Why don't you just come on back, okay, everything's okay.

You can take your hip hop dance class.

And you know what?

I'll talk to your dad and it's gonna be so fine.

So just head on back here

and I promise we won't tell anyone.

I will blood on your parents' graves

you foolish orphans.

"Nice try you small dick prude."

Well that's inappropriate.

How did she do that?

Oh, I got, "Eat shit slut."

Come on, I'm pure.

She hacked my phone.

She possessed it, bro.

Look, I'm almost certain

if we go try to catch her right now,

we're gonna get beaten up,

you're definitely gonna get thrown up on again.

But gosh, we worked so hard on, "Trick or Truth"

and Bethany's one of the leads.

We have to find her.

Forget the play.

She could be out there getting kidnapped or something.

Yeah, plus I won't be able to text Garrett wedding plans.

The stakes are super high.

Okay, all right, we can do this, we can do this.

But if we do, please just let me do the talking.

All right, I don't want to encourage any more

of this creepy devil stuff.

Hey, you wanna be the lead hostage negotiator

to the prince of darkness, be my guest.

Close enough.

Let's get this little goblin.

All right, let's do it.

Wait, what about the kids?

Gordon, Gordon now.

Hold on.

Gordon, Gordon.

I'm sorry, I don't remember the two of you

going back in time having sex and giving birth to me.

Ew what are you

talking about. - Oh, sicko.

I'm not your child and I won't be treated as such.

Gordon, we're siblings.

By adoption, sure.

Listen, Gordon, can we just skip

past all your creepy bullshit?

One of the kids ran away

and we need you to watch the other ones, okay.

Oh.

So first I'm kicked out of the living room,

had to re-plan my entire live stream.

Yeah, I'm sure everybody was freaking out.

And now you want me to babysit

your creepy little cabal down there?

You just can't leave a Youth Group unsupervised.

The sexual tension is too much.

Yeah, that sounds like a you problem, no.

Come on, a hundred dollars, two hours tops.

Please.

Come on, can't you do your live stream another night?

150 bucks and you two do the dishes this week.

You know we're not gonna be using that, right?

Oh, right, right, right

'cause this is one of those nice demons

that really loves to chat.

Aha.

Just let me do the talking, okay.

Oh, shoot.

Yes, I found my pocket knife

in case I need to stab someone.

There will be no stabbing.

Please put the knife away.

I don't know how.

Oh my God.

Well, can you put it down at least?

You're holding it straight. - I'm just

gonna hold it like this, just go.

You're gonna hold it like that.

I'm gonna hold it like this.

Okay, fine, whatever.

Bethany.

Baby doll, my light,

these past few months have been the greatest of my life.

And not just because my dad gave me

one of his companies to run,

and also not because the renovations

on my house in Malibu are finally done.

Those things would be nothing to me

without someone to share them with.

I know this wasn't where you pictured this happening

when you were a little girl.

And I know your friends don't like me,

but I don't like your friends either.

So we'll get you some new ones.

And just like how I'm gonna turn

this disgusting shell of a building

into a thriving dating app company for celebrity dog owners,

I'm gonna turn our situation into a lifetime of love.

So will you marry me?

Um, I need to make a call.

Hello?

Hey, you know that guy I've been dating.

Oh my god, Mike, you're still with him.

Yeah, still.

So, he just proposed.

Hi there.

This is private property.

And I'm kind of in the middle of something.

So if you could just scram.

Oh shit.

Okay, you're totally right, I'm gonna tell him.

God speed.

I'll see you at the party.

Love you girl.

Oh, I gotta go.

Shawn's opening up another keg.

Hail Satan.

Mike.

Are you here?

"But Amanda, you can't go to that party."

"Oh yeah, Kennedy, why not?"

"Because they're doing witchcraft there, duh."

"No they're not.

"You are just assuming that, right, Lilith?"

Well, obviously we don't have a Lilith.

No.

We didn't say anything.

You want me to participate

in your mumbo jumbo religious propaganda.

But the only thing that this guy's getting paid for

is to sit here and keep your asses

in between these four walls.

I guess I could play both characters.

But then you'd be talking to yourself

for the whole scene.

Dude, who cares?

This play's only happening so our parents can take pictures.

I think it has a beautiful message.

Okay, let's take it from where we left off.

"No, they're not.

"You are just assuming that, right Lilith."

"Maybe sometimes the truth just looks silly

"to people who don't understand."

"Whatever, I'm gonna that party anyway."

"Damn the consequences."

"Kennedy is right."

"Something terrible's gonna happen at that party,"

"even though we have zero evidence."

What, did Charlie do a rewrite?

Shut up.

Shut, shut, fucking stop it.

Gimme the papers.

So you'll be Lilith?

Top of the page, here we go.

"Maybe sometimes the truth just looks silly"

"to people who don't understand."

There's a park up here.

Askeroth, Askeroth.

Askeroth, Askeroth.

Don't call her that.

Bethany.

Bethany.

Maybe I could call the police

and put out an amber alert for her.

Oh, that's a great idea.

And then Pastor Bobby will get a text message

detailing what his daughter looks like

and he'll have a heart attack.

Plus your phone is still super possessed.

Any other genius ideas?

What's going on over there?

She did say she would make their corpses dance.

Or they're drunks.

Let's go see if they've seen her.

It's working, here we go.

Shut up and keep dancing.

Hey guys.

First of all, sweet moves.

You guys see a little girl with a kind of pale,

scary-looking complexion around here.

Oh shit. - Oh my.

Charlie and Denise,

how do you like my new digs?

Oh God, it's real.

Don't you shake your butt at me, Jezebel.

Where's Bethany?

Who?

The original girl you possessed.

Oh, you speak of the conduit.

That one has a lot more work to do.

624 more to go.

Oh my God.

That means she's already possessed like 40 something people.

You two must return home.

Your pursuit is pointless.

-My phone is working. -It's Pastor Bobby.

No, don't answer it.

I have to.

What are he's in trouble?

What, no he's not, no.

Stay away Satan, I'm not afraid to smack you.

Hello Pastor.

Hey, how's the slumber party going?

Everybody ready for the big play?

Oh yeah.

Just pastoring

these youths, you know. -Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, stay away from the car, demon.

You safe at the church?

What are you doing?

What are you doing? - Great.

Well, I'm just checking in,

seeing if Bethany's getting her dance on.

Oh, she's dancing all right.

Her energy is infectious.

Wonderful.

Well, I'm about to have a one-on-one with Garrett,

but I foresee some heavy offering baskets

tomorrow night, Charlie.

Oh yeah, heavy baskets.

Yeah, that's how we like 'em.

Okay, see you later.

Too bad, I have something else.

My car.

Oh, oh, quick.

In the name of Jesus,

I urge you to pull over this car right now.

In the name of Jesus.

My car is possessed.

How is this real?

You know, it's actually more weird

that stuff like this doesn't happen all the time.

All right, let's not panic.

At least the Youth Group is safe.

Youth Group.

Get them while the two holy dancers are away.

Well, excuse me, I've got some a-holes to freak up.

They're gone.

This thing is already spread to dozens of people.

That guy was saying that Bethany is the conduit.

What do you think he meant by that?

Hello.

What is it?

Who's there?

Look.

Show yourself, I'm armed and ready to kill.

You know, Patricia's always packing.

Look at my jacket.

He got Patricia.

Wait.

She let Pastor Bobby call me.

This is a threat.

She's going after the church.

We need to get more information on this demon.

Well, where the hell are we gonna get that?

I think I have an idea.

You're gonna say where or?

So, you and Denise are gonna seal the deal

in a couple of months, how's that going?

Good, good.

I, yeah, I just, um,

I've been having some troubles.

Of a sexual nature?

Are we talking porn?

No, no, no, no, not porn.

Ah, okay.

Um, have you ever been working on a sermon

for a long time that you love with all your heart

and then the Lord gives you another sermon idea

and suddenly all you wanna do is work on this new sermon

and it keeps you up at night

and you feel like your mind is being ripped in half.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, life is full of tough decisions.

What do you think of this, huh?

Complete rebrand.

We showed strength in dark times,

but we keep the water thing.

Um.

Oh hey, we just got a few more minutes here.

Why don't you grab a snack in the kitchen?

So are you writing sermons?

Actually, you mind if I go grab a quick snack too?

Yeah, go ahead, I gotta bang out a couple of emails.

Patricia, you okay?

What are you doing in the kitchen with the lights off?

Are we still gonna watch movies later?

Come hither sexy man.

Ooh, you have a cold?

Your voice sounds, sultry.

I'm better than ever.

I thought you might be luring me in here.

Doing it at the church again, that's kind of risky.

We'll have to be pretty quiet.

Avoid all these pots and pans.

I'm feeling pretty wild, big boy.

Now, dance with me.

"I guess this is how it goes sometimes.

"You dip your toe into the seductive pool"

"of our fallen world, hoping it won't drag you asunder."

"And then in the end, some of your friends are dead."

"But others had a good time."

"And maybe Halloween is fine after all."

"It seems like the truth about trick or treating all along

"was that we were the ones being tricked."

"Or maybe it's not that big of a deal."

"Next year, maybe we throw our own party."

"Happy Halloween."

That was amazing, Gordon.

Yeah, you really became Lilith.

Oh, okay.

You know, come on, stop it.

Was it okay?

- Yeah. - Anyone else

really confused on where the place stands on Halloween?

I feel it contradicts itself like a lot.

Charlie definitely did some rewrites.

Gordon, are you crying?

No.

What?

Maybe.

It's just.

Oh, it's just, I've been

going through a rough patch, you know?

And it was nice to have a nice cathartic moment.

Tell us.

Well, tonight was supposed to be my big reveal

for my subscribers.

For what?

You have a YouTube channel?

I do, I do.

It's called Sasq Watch.

And it chronicles my attempts to pursue

the very real and very dangerous threat to us all,

known most commonly as Bigfoot.

That's all right, you can laugh.

You can laugh.

My wife laughed too.

She thought my fixation was a bit much.

So we are now legally separated.

But I have seen wildly compelling evidence

that the Sasquatch has made its way down

from the Pacific Northwest to Southern California.

And not just one Sasquatch either.

I'm talking thousands of these bastards.

And they're planning to attack very soon.

But don't worry kids,

because I'm gonna find them first.

Wow, that's a lot.

You think that lady at your church

was killed by some rando last year?

Nah-ah.

Based on the description, I've heard,

that mark on her neck was very consistent with,

anyone wanna guess?

That's right.

Big foot claws.

That attack was only the beginning.

Maybe sometimes the truth looks silly

to people who don't understand.

Wait, so what's the big reveal?

Oh, no, no, no.

I don't know if you kids would think it's cool.

- Probably not. - Come on.

Tell us Gordon. - Go ahead.

What is it? - We wanna know.

Really?

Okay.

This might take me a while, so.

Oh and while I'm gone, don't,

don't touch each other.

You know, don't, no, heavy petting or whatever you do.

Okay, when he comes back,

let's ask him if he knows where he's going when he dies.

There they are, the people who murdered Donna.

Allegedly.

Without a doubt.

Are you sure this isn't gonna be

just a giant waste of time?

I mean, we could be getting to the church

and stopping Bethany.

Charlie, God let us here, okay.

Sometimes in order to glorify his name,

you have to go into the pits of hell.

Based on the reading I've done,

these people are just activists.

They're not activists okay.

Whatever you do, you cannot let them know

that we're Christians or else they'll burn us alive, okay.

We need to get in there, get them talking about the plan,

find out Bethany's weakness,

and then get the heck outta there.

Okay.

A little more energy, Satan energy,

please. - Okay.

All right. - Okay.

Is that good?

- Yes. - Does that make you happy?

Oh.

Look at this debauchery.

This looks pretty normal.

I'm gonna do an accent following my lead.

What?

Hey, nice costume.

A little on unknown for a Satanist party, but I dig it.

Thank you so much.

That's very sweet of you to say.

My name's Shawn.

This is my place.

I'm,

I'm Charlie.

Ah.

Hail Satan.

Hail Satan.

Oh, okay, we're just gonna do that.

We're gonna do that sign.

I normally do it as well, but I have carpal tunnel,

so I'll just do a regular handshake.

- Okay. - Hello,

I'm Daffodil.

Nice to meet you both.

We're about to take shots if you want to join.

Yeah, absolutely.

I love shots.

Let's get shotted up.

The Dallas branch truly is thriving, you know,

we're small, but the devil is truly doing

almighty work there.

Yeah.

And I'm, I'm from here,

but I met Daffodil when I moved to Dallas.

And I'm here to visit family and she wanted to come, so.

Oh, I didn't know there was a Dallas branch.

Oh yes there is, yeah.

But we try to keep it under wraps,

you know, just because of all the goat sacrifices

and we don't want anybody to, you know,

see us manipulating the children.

Oh yeah.

Who brought the goats tonight?

Oh, I'm sorry, it was totally my turn.

My bad, guys.

But truly, it seems to be

that the plan is going off without a hitch.

Am I correct?

You know, once Askeroth gathers the 666 demonic dancers,

then the real party will start.

Hallelujah.

I'm sorry, my friend has a real dark sense of humor.

Hey, I'm always down to talk weird demon shit.

I just like to be high for it.

Yeah, me too.

Sorry, I'm not trying to invite myself to your weed stash.

No, let's do it.

Charlie, you probably shouldn't go off

without old Daffodil.

They're kind of weird, right.

Very much so.

Split up, we can have a look around.

I'm gonna smoke. - I'm all for

get them really high.

Anybody wanna smoke, follow me.

Oh.

Oh, she's got a smoking room.

There he goes.

Well, don't do anything that I wouldn't do.

Can I have a word with you?

Absolutely, I love to talk.

Follow me.

Oh, now.

And next month we'll have Trevor Pipkins in

as a guest speaker.

He's only nine-years-old, but has already

been to heaven 12 times and has another book out

with a real humdinger of a prediction

for when the rapture will happen.

♪ The prince of darkness ♪

Hey Garrett, we still having our session or what?

♪ He'd really like us to kill you now ♪

♪ Yeah, he'd really like us to kill you good ♪

Very funny.

Yeah, yeah.

Who's us?

Go ahead, Pastor, pick it up.

♪ Tough decisions ♪

♪ Tough decisions ♪

♪ Do you grab the gun or would you rather run ♪

♪ Tough decision ♪

♪ Tough decisions ♪

Tonight's been so insane.

I know, right.

But I'm glad you're here.

I'm glad you're here too.

Whoa, Mason, no.

God doesn't want you to kiss me.

Oh, oh right, God, yeah.

But what about what you want?

I also don't want you to kiss me.

Oh.

Well that's fine.

Kinda weird though, because God sent me a dream

where you and I were. - I'm gonna go see

what they're up to in the living room.

Do you think Bethany will ever go back to normal again?

I mean, between you and me, I'm kind hoping she doesn't.

Really?

Yeah,

I'm kind of digging the deep guttural voice she's got now.

Garrett's a good singer,

but he could use some help on the low notes.

Totally.

And maybe after the warship she could spray some

like blood vomit into the air, like.

It's time for church to start innovating.

You guys are awful.

Sorry.

You took it too far, dude.

And they're back.

Maybe you wanna tell Charlie and Denise

about your fun idea for Bethany?

Weird.

Probably just some dumb trick or treaters

playing Dingdong Ditch.

Right.

You guys.

Charlie's at the back door.

Mason, wait.

Got room for one more at your slumber party?

We're cool.

Gordon.

What do you want?

Just spreading the good news.

Like, my uncle got put into custody in the '80s

for just being in a metal band, dude, like,

'cause they had pentagrams on their drum kits

and wore eyeshadow, like.

That's messed up.

These Christian people are like the only people

who really think that Satan actually exists, like.

What's your deal, man?

You don't need to hold it like a flute.

I mean, you can if you want to, but like, you don't have to.

My first time.

Here, here you go.

I don't know, I'm thinking about moving to New York.

Oh dude, I'm from New York.

What, when did you move?

Well, that's the thing.

I work for my family's business

and I don't really know what they're gonna say,

so I, I don't know if I actually can.

Dude, they don't even know?

No, no, not at all.

Dude.

My family's a little intense.

Just the family business doesn't really feel right anymore.

Oh bro, like if you thinks they're gonna react badly,

like, trust me, you gotta rip that bandaid off

sooner than later, you gotta just.

Really?

Like, like now, soon?

Like yesterday soon.

♪ You're beautifully grotesque ♪

♪ You make your mother proud ♪

♪ You stand out from the origin ♪

Where are you hiding?

Just so you know, I do have a fiance,

you know, a very cool, smart, hot,

physically strong, fiance.

So, you know, I just.

Here it is.

So describe to me earlier what you were saying

about the 666 dancers.

Well, I mean, you know, our whole plan for tonight,

you know, I shouldn't have to tell you the details.

I know you're a church chick.

Hello, red devil cloak.

I saw you kick over the baphomet statue the other day.

"Jesus loves you."

You saw that?

It was pretty funny.

Look, I might be a godless heathen,

but I'm interested in a little bit of demonology,

you know, ancient myths, the history of religion

and the occult, you know, creepy shit.

In fact, I'm starting a podcast

and you're on episode three.

What?

I didn't agree to that.

I think I know what you might have seen tonight.

Have you ever heard the legend of the dancing devil?

♪ Baby there's no need to hide ♪

♪ Must be young and young ♪

♪ You're so estranged ♪

Get off of him.

Get off.

Stop, stop.

You really did just smash my head with glass?

Get back.

Come here, you.

Let go of me.

Let me go, in the name of Jesus.

In the name of Jesus, get off of me.

Sorry.

Why are you throwing?

Just stab the guy.

I'm sorry, I can't see.

You want to see something cool?

You don't need 'em.

You know you can wear your glasses.

You get off of her.

Where's he going?

This way.

Should I stab him some more.

Yes.

Sam, are you okay?

What is all the ruckus, can't a guy?

Let's dance, Sasquatch.

You get away from those kids, you bastard.

"In 1518, the French city of Strasbourg,

"there was a dancing plague"

"that spread to hundreds of people"

"who reported to have danced for months."

"Many suspected its origins to be Satanic."

Well, duh.

"The demon called Askeroth

"is known for its mischievousness"

"as it rebels in the pain and frustration of mortals."

"It intends to assemble 666 demon dancers"

"as a welcoming party for the antichrist."

The antichrist?

He's here, to start the end times?

I mean, legend has it.

This episode today is sponsored by know anything.com.

What are you doing?

Just a quick ad.

They're not really a sponsor,

but gotta fake it 'til you make it.

If you wanna know something,

literally anything. -We don't have time for ads.

There is a demon out there

and it's possessed my pastor's daughter.

Can we please get on?

Well, it says here, if you wanna de possess,

there's a couple options.

"Option one, in order to depos a person,"

"animal, or object."

Ooh, object.

One can attempt the following enchantment,

What is it?

I'll do it. - Okay.

"But one must be careful"

"when attempting to use these enchantments"

"as they can often backfire."

You know what, just gimme this.

Okay.

My phone's been possessed all night long

and my fiance's probably freaking out

because he loves me and he is worried about me.

I'll take the risk.

♪ It doesn't really matter ♪

♪ You're gonna do it anyway ♪

Denise.

For all you listeners out there,

a second undercover Christian has entered the studio,

visibly high.

Everybody shut up.

Here we go.

You shouldn't have done that Denise.

Whoa.

- It's working. - Crazy.

Oh my God, she's gone.

Wow, I don't know what to think about anything anymore.

Yeah, peace out Bethany, your little bitch.

Who's on top now?

I am Denise.

Denise, I need to tell you something.

I wrote a play, not, "Trick or Truth."

Shh, something's happening.

What the heck?

What the hell just happened?

Askeroth, you let us out of here now.

Out of where?

So, I checked with friend about, "The Backslider."

And?

And they loved it.

They loved it.

They love how personal it is.

All the crazy family stuff.

You losing your faith, keeping it a secret.

And spoiler alert, you're about to get an email from them

because you got into the program.

Yes.

Yay, congrats.

See, religious trauma isn't so bad.

Charlie, are you still there?

I'm getting dizzy.

Did God disrupt the signal or something?

Oh, this is not how I wanted you to find out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's just hitting me.

Look, I know how hard it is

with a family like yours,

I barely talk to mine anymore.

But I hope you'll make the move.

I'm gonna do it.

Really?

Yeah, I think so.

I think so.

You're moving.

Yeah.

New York.

If I can afford it.

And if we're ever released from this demon-scape,

Why are you talking to Joy Holland?

Her sister said she's gotten into like satanic breathing.

Denise, that's just yoga.

What's that sound?

- Oh. - Oh hallelujah.

Are we at the church?

Oh my God G. Money, this is so sinful.

If this is sinning, then why does it feel like heaven?

- Oh amen. - Oh my God.

♪ Yeah, the Lord spend extra time on you ♪

Oh, G. Money.

♪ Yeah, the Lord worked overtime ♪

That's right.

♪ When he was making you ♪

- No. - Oh amen.

Amen.

Garrett.

Garrett.

I'm sorry, Denise.

Obviously Garrett is

the wrong person. - Shut up.

You hurt me just as much as him.

Why aren't you honest with me?

This is bad radio.

Oh, sorry guys, studio's full.

Wait, what's with your eyes?

Sorry to intrude.

Wakey, wakey.

Oh shit, it's Bethany.

You think a demon doesn't know about a demon book?

Oh shit.

Does that window open.

Yes, yes it does.

Denise is one step closer,

one step closer to antichrist.

It's been a real pleasure Askeroth,

but I think you've overstayed your welcome.

Oh shit.

Looking for something.

The window is open, get outta my house please.

You never stood a chance.

Take them now.

Wait.

Hey, hey Sharon.

Wait, did you break up with that guy?

Your podcast will be much more work

than you expect it to be, and it will fail.

Oh.

Ow.

Is he coming?

No.

Come on, we gotta get outta here.

Come on.

Keep searching, find me more to dancers,

and I will prepare the church for the arrival.

Oh no, my new friends.

It doesn't matter.

You'll make plenty of new friends in New York.

Denise, I'm sorry.

I should have told you about the other play.

I already knew that part.

What?

Yeah, the other day you weren't home,

I snuck into your room.

What were you doing in my room?

"Try standup."

Hello my name is Charlie.

It doesn't matter.

Okay, I saw your stupid little play, "The Backslider,"

sitting out on your table.

I never left that play out.

Okay, so I have boundary issues.

And yeah, I dress up like mom sometimes, it's normal.

The point is, I saw your play

and I just wanted to figure out what was going on with you.

You were acting really weird in church.

I was acting weird?

Whatever.

I read your whole play

and I found out you didn't exactly have

the highest opinion of the church anymore.

I was trying to figure out what to do,

like how to reactivate your faith.

And then I was rereading Tribulation Squad

and got to the Satanic dance ritual part.

Apparently PK Doyle

used to practice witchcraft before he got saved.

And he thinks that Christians

should be fighting fire with fire,

especially as we get closer to the end times,

which I agree with.

Then I was on Reddit and everybody was kind of saying

that like his book could do stuff.

So I thought I could possess one of the kids

with a demon for like a second

and then that would be undeniable proof,

you would never leave the church.

Wait, so all of this is happening because of you.

Everything is because of you.

I mean, I never,

no, I wasn't trying to trigger the apocalypse,

I just wanted to like get a regular demon going, you know.

And then I would talk in Latin

and then I would unpossess it,

but then she kind of just like ran away with the book.

And then now the pages are kind of gone.

The only thing which you convinced me of

is that I have to get the fuck away from here,

away from you.

We don't even live in the same reality anymore.

Hello,

did you not just see the 15 possessed dancing demons

waltzing down the driveway?

What more is it gonna take for you to believe?

I don't care.

I don't care what's real or not real anymore.

Obviously, something fucked up is going on.

But you don't have the answers.

You obviously don't, Denise, look at yourself.

Ever since mom and dad died,

you have just nose dived into this bullshit.

I have never seen someone so pumped for global destruction.

So sue me, Charlie,

that I care about the only family I have left

not going to hell.

God, what happened to you?

Do you not care at all about the legacy

that our mom and dad left for us,

and what they spent their whole lives building?

Do you not give a shit?

No.

They got to live their lives.

I'm happy for them.

They got to do what they wanted to do.

And I thought that when they died,

some small silver lining to that would be

that I got to make my own choices.

I don't know.

But I can't keep pretending

that this is what I want to do with my life.

Great, great.

Awesome, that's great, dude.

Are you okay?

Ow, ah.

Forget it.

What the heck is even the point?

Everyone I'm close to is such a shitty person.

I want this world to end.

I'm going to the church, I'm gonna sit front row

and watch this world get exactly what it deserves.

Well, good for you, Denise.

You don't have to figure out how to live your life anymore.

Hooray.

Have fun living in someone's closet in New York City.

Oh, I'm gonna have a lot of fun.

Oh, oh, we got the next Lin-Manuel Miranda,

sitting in a trash can right here everybody, looky here.

And you know what that salsa you made the other night,

it wasn't good.

I didn't like it.

Nobody likes fruit in salsa, Charlie, it's not normal.

I'm high.

I forgot.

Yes, it's gonna be a night to remember.

Samantha?

Do you wanna kiss me now?

Charlie, what the hell?

What is this weird voicemail you left the admissions office?

Threatening them with kids blood on their graves?

Mary?

Charlie, are you okay?

Uh, I guess, I'm alive.

How's it going over there?

Pretty bad,

but I think I might have figured something out.

Hi.

You remember that picture of you and Denise

and your praise dance robes.

Before she saw it, Bethany was gonna take us all out.

I don't know, I think it might have scared her away.

"As it is a demonic dancer, its greatest weakness

"would be dancing that glorifies providence."

She was right.

She was right.

Stop, please.

Stop the dancing.

Garrett, if you're in there,

I was on my way over here praying about it,

and God told me you were never the right guy for me.

And he told me that,

that he had a husband planned for me

who's much godlier and much cooler

and would never, ever in a million years

cheat on me with the local gun chick, okay.

And me and this cool fiance,

we're gonna usher in the end times together.

And so I just wanted to let you know that I hope,

I hope that she shoots your urethra up your butt hole

with an AK-47 and that the two of you guys

aren't having a good time

and that you both get really bad STIs.

Okay, can you tell him that?

Yeah, you got it.

It shall not be much longer until the antichrist arrival.

I wanna be the last one.

You do?

Yeah, 666.

I started this thing and I wanna be the one to finish it.

Wait.

Ah, maybe we can finally add him to our collection.

I challenge you to a Sanctum Chorus Bellum, Askeroth.

Charlie, go home.

A Sanctum Chorus Bellum,

you're challenging me to a holy dance war?

That's not a thing, right?

No, it's actually most definitely a thing.

You were right Denise, we gotta fight fire with fire.

It says here that Askeroth has to accept any dance challenge

that is issued.

Charlie, you don't even praise dance anymore.

You don't even, you know.

Well, come on Denise,

me and you against her, one last time.

Let's do it.

Nope, I'm ready for this all to end.

It's in God's hands now.

All right, Askeroth, if I win,

you have to release all the souls that you've captured.

All right, and you have to release Bethany too.

Yeah well, if I win,

I'll finally get to claim both your souls

to do whatever I want with in hell.

Well that sucks.

You're on Askeroth.

Okay.

Better make this quick.

In a holy dance war, we must dance simultaneously.

That took a long time.

Geez.

I was gonna try the praise dance idea, but this works too.

Good job, Youth Group.

Yeah.

Oh.

Wow, Gordon, you were right, the Sasquatch is real.

It was just inside of you all along.

Well, no, no, I mean,

I think wearing the costume plus seeing you kids in danger

really filled me with some extra adrenaline,

but no, no, no, there's mounting evidence

that many, many Sasquatch are still roam the planet

and I'm gonna find them still, so, no, yeah.

- All right. - Okay.

- All right. - Yep.

New dance off.

That's my girl, that's my girl.

Come on.

Stop.

Stop.

Stop.

Samantha,

if you can hear me in there,

I just want you to know that I love you.

You are pathetic.

Only as a friend.

And I'm so sorry that I misinterpreted things.

Come closer and I'll tell you what she says.

Mm, mm-mm.

666.

What?

We clearly won.

Yeah, this isn't fair.

"This isn't fair."

Shoulda won faster.

♪ Well, I guess it's better late than never ♪

♪ I know you've all been waiting forever ♪

♪ But the day and time has finally arrived ♪

♪ And I'm about to ruin your lives ♪

Wait.

Stop.

What year is it?

It's 2023, baby.

The first year of your seven-year reign.

What, did you say 2023?

Stop.

Wrong.

My reign is not supposed to begin

for another thousand years,

give or take.

Damn it.

What?

I thought nobody knew the time or the hour.

Well, I have a general idea of the calendar year.

That's the whole damn game.

Who summoned me?

Uh, I did.

Over, over here.

Hi there.

And you are?

Denise.

Denise.

And you summoned me to a church?

Yeah.

Didn't wanna wait for old, to come back, did you?

Well, technically it was an accident.

Whoopsie.

Yeah, I'm going to need you to ask me to go.

What?

You have to ask me to go.

You think I have any power in this situation?

I'm a puppet on a string

in this whole stupid ass plan.

They throw me into a lake of fire at the end,

it's in the book.

Even getting thrown into a regular lake is a bad day.

Annoying.

You think I would show up for that on my own, willingly?

I haven't been able to make a free choice

in thousands of years,

ever since I left the choir

and decided to ask, hey, are we sure

this is the right guy to be following,

I'm pretty sure he is gonna dump

a bunch of water on everybody.

Hello.

So, yeah, anyway,

I'm gonna have to ask you to ask me, nicely, to go.

Denise, you want this, remember,

it'll be just like, "Tribulation Squad."

You know what?

Yeah.

Get outta here.

Okay.

Thanks.

Bye.

No, Denise, you stupid ass bitch.

Oh, oh, by the way,

you all won that little dance compo,

so everything gets to go back to normal.

Congratulations.

Oh no.

I don't wanna go back to hell, it's so repetitive.

You gotta be kidding us, we're normal again.

I'm sorry.

Where am I?

Cool.

Can't wait to come back for my old seven-year reign.

Never do this again.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

Denise, I think you should

probably take a sabbatical for a while.

And this probably goes without saying,

but no play tomorrow.

Hey dad, I don't wanna do Youth Group anymore.

Don't think I need to explain why.

That's okay, it's not for everyone.

Wow, that all sounds very made up.

I wish it was.

Oh, and also, can you tell the admissions office

that I'm really sorry about that voicemail.

What voicemail?

Oh, nothing.

And you know what, and you never even got this ring

sized to fit my fat fingers.

I'm proud of you.

Garrett is an asshole.

Also, I'm sorry I wasn't honest about, you know, everything.

I'm sorry that I conjured a demon

that almost ended the world.

Yeah, let's try to avoid that moving forward.

And I'm also sorry I said you're going to hell.

It's okay.

Well, I mean, per the rules,

if you don't have Jesus in your heart,

technically you are going to hell.

But I am going to try

to not make your lack of salvation about me.

I appreciate that.

Shh.

They're asleep.

Who's that in the kitchen?

I don't know.

Some guy named Mike.

I caved his head in about three hours ago with the kids.

Nice.

Yeah, but now he's fine.

Everyone's fine.

Caved a dude's head in, huh?

Thanks for watching the kids.

Oh, don't worry about it.

They're good kids.

Hey, should we?

Yeah, it was an absolute blood bath.

Same.

I do like your costume though.

Oh, you do?

Thanks.

I'm gonna wear it

when I go stay in the mountains next weekend.

Oh, you're still in all that stuff,

even after everything that happened last night?

Are you kidding?

If your stupid thing is real then mine definitely is.

Oh, it's Pastor Bobby.

Hey Charlie, I got some crazy news.

Hey Pastor, you're on speaker with Denise.

Hello.

We finally got

that security camera footage stuff working.

I don't know, maybe when the antichrist snapped his fingers,

it fixed that too.

Anyway, I was looking for evidence

of the demons in the parking lot

so I could play it in the church next week,

and it ain't there.

So then I checked out the date Donna died and, well.

You know what?

Your parents' funeral may not be exactly the place

that you should be all passive aggressive.

I, I was one of the most loyal freaking members

that some people didn't get.

Horrific accident.

That shofar had just been slowly sharpened over the years

until it was ready to kill.

That's crazy.

Poor Donna.

Thanks for letting us know, Pastor.

But yeah, if there's a silver lining to this,

the church was never really cursed at all.

Well, that's wonderful news.

Thanks Pastor, bye.

Yeah, I don't buy it.

Yeah, not a chance.

Well, I'm gonna go tell the guy in the kitchen

that he can go home.

Oh, and you can keep the 150 bucks.

I was never gonna give it to him anyway.

Nope.

I really do hope you succeed in New York,

even though the chances of that happening

are pretty much slim to none.

Thanks, Denise.

That's almost nice.

I'm just kidding.

You're gonna be great.

I do have just a couple notes about, "The Backslider."

Just wanted to talk to you.

All right, let's hear 'em.

Okay.

So, your portrayal of me was kind of off.

Like when I speak in tongues, I'm like.

And you were saying like.

I mean you say both of those things interchangeably,

I feel like.

Okay, but it's just like, I don't know,

like who are you gonna get to play me?

I don't know.

We haven't gotten that far yet.

I don't know if this is possible,

but if there's like, like a female Kirk Cameron.

A female Kirk Cameron?

I guess it like, I guess.

Okay.

But I don't know.

Yeah, been a pretty weird night for me too.

Don't really remember much, honestly.

I got a raging headache.

Sick.

Look at all this Latin.

You and your friends would get such a kick

outta these random ass devil pages I just found.

You wanna have a serious conversation about what?

Hold on.

Listen to this.

♪ Amen ♪

♪ Take it back ♪

♪ From before ♪

♪ The words you spoke ♪

♪ Now they're coming through ♪

♪ It doesn't really matter ♪

♪ What I say ♪

♪ It doesn't really matter ♪

♪ You're gonna do it anyway ♪

♪ My friend lost a heart ♪

♪ Lost his mind ♪

♪ Dealing with love ♪

♪ So would I ♪

♪ I've built these walls ♪

♪ To keep you out ♪

♪ But I just might break a center ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ It doesn't really matter ♪

♪ What I say ♪

♪ It doesn't really matter ♪

♪ You're gonna do it anyway ♪

♪ Yeah, it doesn't really matter ♪

♪ What I think ♪

♪ It doesn't really matter ♪

♪ You're gonna do it anyway ♪

♪ You're gonna do it anyway ♪

♪ I had dreams when you walked out the door ♪

♪ But I never let you slip away ♪

♪ And I curse every moment I have ♪

♪ I couldn't make someone else to say ♪

♪ It doesn't really matter ♪

♪ It doesn't really matter ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Oh it doesn't really matter ♪

♪ What I think ♪

♪ It doesn't really matter ♪

♪ You're gonna do it anyway ♪

♪ You're gonna do it anyway ♪

♪ You're gonna do it anyway ♪

♪ Lord, you are the smartest ♪

♪ You made everything I've ever seen ♪

♪ Though the world is dark and scary ♪

♪ Your light shines on through ♪

♪ I hate to think of who I'd be if I didn't have you ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Thank God we've got God ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Thank God we've got God ♪

♪ Mm, mm ♪

♪ Thank God we've got God ♪

♪ Oh Lord, I praise you that I can praise you ♪

♪ Lord I am your servant ♪

♪ Your wish is my command ♪

♪ Other people worship false gods ♪

♪ I'm glad my parents knew the real one ♪

♪ So glad we could meet ♪