Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on up, moving on up, to the sun, moving on up, to a deep...

You and Tom want to hear our itinerary? No.

George.

Come on, ladies.

Make our day.

Well, we arrive at noon. At which time our hidden palace hostess greets us

warmly. And escorts us to the main dining hall for a celery and herbal tea

reception. Sounds great. Have a nice time. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

That's only the beginning.

We have a whole day ahead.

At one, we digest and unpack.

At two, we commune with nature.

And at three, we take a sparkling mineral bath.

She just took a bath this morning.

At four, meditate in the Japanese garden.

And at five, vegetable encounter.

At six, a Tofutti nightcap.

And then at seven, we fall into bed.

Yeah, they say that vegetable encounter really takes it out of you.

Uh, what are you two laughing at? Oh, come on, this ain't no total body

experience. It's a total rip -off experience.

You're just jealous.

Au contraire.

Don't agree with him, Willis.

are going to stay right here and have a total man experience, and we don't need

no dumb itinerary.

Yes, George and I prefer to be spontaneous.

That's right.

You warm up the TV, I'll get the beer and chips.

Well,

you ladies better get a move on before they run out of bean sprouts.

Oh, you know he's right, Louise.

The VitaVan should be waiting for us downstairs now.

Now, are you two sure you can stay out of trouble?

Trouble? Well, Helen, we're not even going to leave the building.

What are you two going to do with yourselves for the whole weekend?

I don't know, but whatever it is, it'll be great.

Okay, as long as we won't have to clean up or be embarrassed when we get back.

We'll be fine.

Bye -bye. Bye -bye.

Women.

Right.

We'll have to go through all that junk to have a good time.

We ought a good time. Here,

buddy. Thank you, old buddy.

Well, let's get started.

Hey!

What should we do?

What do you mean, what should we do?

Whatever we want to do.

Shoot. We've got the whole weekend.

It's a beautiful day out there and everything.

Turn on the TV.

That's a rerun. Welcome to the wonderful world of iguanas.

Ladies, there's no real mystery to crocheting a fabulous ball fringe.

Come on, George. I was just getting into it.

What are you doing wasting our time watching TV?

We should be communicating with each other without the women around to bother

us. Just you and me.

All right.

Mono or mono?

No, we'll eat later.

Let's talk first.

Okay.

Well, what should we talk about?

Well, life seems like a good place to start.

Okay.

So how's life?

Well, that's too general.

Sorry. How's your life?

See? Now, when you're specific, I can be specific.

See?

Oh, I can't complain.

Good. Good.

Terrible weather we're having, huh? Oh, come on, George. I was going to say

that. Now, what can I say?

You can just respond to what I said.

Oh, right, right.

Well, what was the question?

It was about the weather, Willis.

Oh, right.

Yeah, it has been pretty crazy lately.

Yeah, it has.

So how long until the girls get back?

I'll get it. No, I'll get it.

Bentley,

it's my old friend Bentley.

Hey, we don't see enough of you old fella. How you been doing?

Well, you fellas must be frightfully bored.

We're just in the first phase of thinking of something to do.

Let's face it, George. We were having a vegetable encounter of our own.

Why don't you take a lesson from me? I have a wonderful day scheduled. I'm

to curl up with a nice pipe, a steaming mug of hot chocolate, and a good book.

What are you doing here?

I was wondering if I might borrow a pipe, some whipping cream, and some

What about the book?

No, that I've got.

Cadigan's book of amazing records.

Yeah, not Shakespeare, but then again, Hamlet wasn't struck on the head by

lightning seven times and lived to tell about it.

Sure, you can still see the burn marks on his hat.

Oh, I think that's his head.

Mine in particular?

Not at all, Mr. J, because I believe the advancement of mankind is dependent

upon the uninhibited exchange of useful information.

Besides, it's your book.

Well, what some people won't do.

This weirdo sat in a tree for 441 days.

My God, how did he eat?

What about this fellow here? He buried himself alive six feet under for nine

months.

My God, how did he eat?

And check out this yo -yo. He spent over two years baked inside a giant chicken

pot pie.

My God, how did he... Never mind.

Who are these idiots? Why would they do all these ridiculous things?

Except for the chicken pot pie, of course.

That I can understand.

Mr. Willis, these are men questing after immortality.

They're impossible dreamers, reaching for the stars in that brief instant when

the world seems to cease her rotation and just stand still.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Mr. Bentley, would you mind translating that for us? They're a bunch of jerks

that don't have anything better to do.

I see.

All I can say is a man's got to be pretty damn bored to waste his time

break some stupid record.

On November 26, 1953, in Cardiff, Wales, three men stood in a standard saucepan

for 14 hours straight.

There you are, Billy. Get in.

Okay. No!

Oh, well, I suppose the Welshman didn't wear size 13 Es.

11 ,031.

I'm pleased to meet you.

11 ,032.

I'm pleased to meet you.

You don't have to say it every time we shake hands.

11 ,033. My mother did not raise a rude son. I'm pleased to meet you.

11 ,034.

Well, mine did, so shut up.

11 ,035.

Congratulations, gentlemen. You've just broken the world handshaking record.

Uh -oh.

Never say uh -oh in front of somebody who just broke a world record.

I'm afraid you were supposed to shake the hands of 11 ,035 different people.

Oh, man, you mean to tell me I made hamburger meat out of this hand for

I'm afraid so.

Well, nice try, George. Get out of here.

169 ,713.

714.

We're getting there, Willis.

17 more dominoes and we become the...

Champion domino setter -uppers. I've got the extra dominoes. Be careful,

Bentley. Oh, don't worry about me, Mr. J.

Here you are.

Thank you, Bentley. You've been a big help to us.

I'll just get out of the way now.

Let me know if we could have started a whole new train.

Look, Bentley, the only train I want to see is the one that takes you out of

town.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm tired.

I was tired when we were standing in the saucepan.

I quit.

Wait a minute, Willis. I thought I was tired. I didn't say nothing about

quitting. I don't know the meaning of the word quit.

Oh, what it means to stop, to give up.

Look,

Willis, we're not quitting.

Now, we're investing too much time on trying to set a record, and we're going

set a record no matter how long it takes or how hard it is. Okay, Bentley?

Look in there and find me a record that's fast and easy.

Well, here's one. If you can chug -a -lug a liter of beer in under 1 .6

you can be the new king of speed guzzling. Good enough. Let's go down to

Charlie's Bar.

We'll either break the record for guzzling or set a new one for belching.

Gee, 1 .6 seconds. I don't think I can lift my glass that fast. Oh, okay.

Look, speed records take skill and practice. How about a long -distance

Well, if you can spit farther than a quarter mile, you can be the new

expectoration champ.

What happened?

I believe the lights just went out.

Must be a power failure. Whatever you do, don't panic.

I wasn't scared either. Why are you holding on to him?

Oh, well, in moments of stress...

it's necessary to keep up one's body temperature.

Stairs, anyone?

Well, what a pity. Only 29 more hours in there, and we'd have broken the world

record for elevator riding.

Hold it, Willis.

What are you doing, George?

You and me are going to ride this sucker into the record book.

We've done a lot of crazy things, but... The elevator, George?

Look, Willis, the elevator is perfect. It doesn't take strength or skill.

Plus, it's bigger than that saucepan.

True, but maybe we're just kidding ourselves.

Maybe we weren't meant to break any records.

Maybe we just wasted a whole day.

No. If we quit, then we have wasted a whole day. If we set that record, then

the junk that we did would have meant something.

Oh, you mean it's sort of like fate.

Yeah, that's right.

I mean, it was no accident that we got on the elevator.

It was no accident that the elevator stopped.

It was no accident that Bentley just happened to turn to the exact page in

book on elevator records.

Those weren't accidents.

Well, what about Bentley? He wanted to break a record, and yet he stepped off

the elevator.

That was an accident.

What was you and me?

Oh, well, I don't know.

We'll order out for food every hour.

Here's the supplies Mr. Jefferson asked for on his last trip up. Oh, you're a

good woman, Florence.

Tell me, are you doing this for Mr. J, or is it out of your deep respect for

man's questing nature?

No, it's because of my deep respect for peace and quiet.

See, the longer he's out here, the quieter it is in there.

Why are you doing it? Well, you see, if I can't be a winner myself, and I can't,

then I can still feel fulfilled basking in the warm glow of those destined to

win. Besides, I play a very important part in this endeavor.

Well, what do you do?

Oh, I'm the official elevator monitor.

You see, the car must stop each time it passes the 12th floor. The doors must

open, and we must salute each other smartly.

Thusly.

Car number 20.

Good old, I love to slash.

Miss Ross, give me that phone.

You know, Mr. Jefferson, I really have to admire you.

This makes all them other dumb things you did look smart.

Thank you, Ross.

I got a big story. Would you give me the telephone numbers of every newspaper in

the city, please?

Okay?

Okay, well, let me give you the number for the time, the daily news, and do you

have the elevator digest?

George, what are you doing?

Publicity. Well, if we're going to be champions, we might as well be famous,

too. Oh, well, in that case, I'd like to call out.

Oh, sure. Here.

Yeah, thank you.

Hi, is this Boudini's house a pizza?

I'd like to order two large pepperoni pizzas to go.

Would you like something?

It's for God to salute.

Hotty break?

Oh, so when is the next one?

Never mind.

Now let's stop all the numbers on my social security card.

And the grandmama of graffiti.

Twelve flights of stairs have never been longer.

Look at it this way, Helen.

Maybe we've burned off the five pounds we gained at the spa.

Mrs. Willis, Mrs. J, did you walk the whole way up? Yes.

We waited for the elevator for 20 minutes.

idiot kids?

You're married to them. What?

Yes, Mr. J and Mr. Willis have been riding the elevator all weekend. They're

trying to set a new world record. We've even got the press here to cover it. The

press? Oh, quick. Take the steps. If you leave now, nobody will see you.

Well, the 60th, the 70th, the 90th.

I think you got my drift.

This is our base of operations. We like to call it the nerve center of the

elevator. Yes.

Would you please excuse us?

Oh, Helen, you'll never believe how much I've learned this weekend.

Like what, Tom?

Well, you know, we've lived in this building for years, and yet I never

that these little buttons were heat -sensitive.

You see, if... I use my finger like this, it works.

But if I use my fingernail like this, it doesn't.

But then if I use my nose... Tell your nose 12, please.

Excuse me, Mrs.

Jefferson, are you proud of your husband?

Proud isn't the word.

What word would you use to describe your feelings?

Please. Congratulations, gentlemen. You've just had a new world's record.

We're happy for both of you. Now get the hell out.

You know, speaking of getting the hell out, I was just thinking, whichever one

of you gentlemen actually steps off the elevator last will be the true record

holder.

If you were any kind of man, you'd get off and let the record go to the right

champion. Now, hold it, George. I've spent as much time on this elevator as

have. And took up four times the fate.

What are you doing that for? What are you doing that for?

Don't mimic me, Willis. Don't mimic me, Willis.

I'm warning you, Willis. I'm warning you, Willis.

All right, Willis, you ask for it. All right, Willis, you ask for it.

What was that?

What was that?

Now, don't mimic me. That's not what I was doing. I want to know what that was.

It seemed like a power failure. A power failure?

Oh, my God.

Oh, we're trapped in here like two mice, Willis.

The walls are closing in on us.

The air's getting thinner. I can't catch my breath.

I can't either.

I'm scared.

Don't be scared.

Somebody will find us.

Unless they think we're trying to set another record or something.

Yeah, they would think that, wouldn't they?

And then no one would come.

Oh, yeah.

They'll come, but all they'll find will be two shriveled, decomposing bodies.

George, you... The lights are still on. There was no power failure.

You tricked me. No, you tricked yourself.

How? By being stupid.

Well, I think I'll take my victory lap.

And up I go!

Okay,

Weez, it's been a week.

What are you trying to... to do?

Set the world record for being mad at your husband?

I'm sorry, George, but I can't forgive the way you double -crossed Tom.

Well, you have to get over it.

Willis has.

Hi,

Willis.

Hi, Louise.

I left a saucepan in your husband's custody last week.

I wonder if I could have it back.

Is this going for another record?

No. he's making some sauce.

I can't believe you two are letting this ridiculous world record business

destroy your whole friendship.

He did it, Louise.

He was more interested in winning than sharing.

Tom has a point, George.

After all this time, do you still feel that winning was more important?

No, I guess not.

Everybody's mad at me.

It's lonely at the top.

Look, Willis, I was wrong.

I shouldn't have tricked you off the elevator.

Well, I have a confession of my own to make. I mean, another 30 seconds and I

would have tricked you off the elevator.

Really?

You're my kind of guy, Willis.

You know what I'm going to do? What?

I'm going to call those record -holding people. I'm going to tell them to change

my one -man record to a two -man record for you and me, old buddy. Oh, George.

If there were a record for how much one friend could like another friend, I'd be

breaking it now.

And if there was a record for the biggest lump in the throat, I'd win that

down.

And if there was a record for nausea, no contest.

Mr. J.

It's here, Mr. J.

Photogram from Carrigan's confirming your win.

Dear record seeker, that's us.

Congratulations on breaking the existing world record in elevator riding.

I did it. I won. It's official.

Oh, hippy hooray, Mr. J.

You both won.

Oh, yeah.

What's mine is yours. Oh, thank you.

Let's see here. Unfortunately, the publicity you generated has inspired so

others to challenge your record that your current status is number nine and

dropping. We welcome you to try again.

Hmm.

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