Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on up. We're moving on up. To the east. We're moving on up.

To the deep.

In walks Bob Dudno.

Well, Helen, you know how he and I fight at work, especially since I was

appointed president.

Well, I was about to offer him a candy when he said he wanted to cut the

on animal fats in the new cookbook we're publishing.

Well, I got so mad, I almost stood up.

I mean, the nerve of that man.

If you cut that chapter on animal fats, the rest of the book sticks to the pan.

A hundred times. So, I had to stand firm.

This was one time Dudno didn't know.

Tom, I'm going to be late for the bridge tournament.

Yes, but you can't leave without Louise, and she said she'd be ready in a

minute. Now, sit.

Crank it up, Louise.

So I told Bob, Dudno, I always call him that when I'm angry.

Dudno, if you keep on with this insubordination, damn it, I... I'm not

pay for the coffee tomorrow.

And you know what? I won. I did not pay for that coffee. Oh, I was tempted, but

I stood firm.

Louise, now!

Well, I guess we can all leave now.

Oh, Tom, I thought you knew.

We're going to the ladies' bridge tournament. I don't think you'd be

All allowed.

Well, what am I supposed to do tonight?

Oh, for heaven's sake, Tom.

You're a grown man.

Look, why don't you go out on the town?

Oh, I know what. Why don't you try that new club that opened up across the

street? They have live music.

Oh, wait a minute, Helen. Isn't that a club for singles?

Oh, that's all right.

I trust Tom.

Why shouldn't I?

After all, we love each other.

Anyway... After hearing one of his boring stories, what woman would go

him?

I'll see you later, dear.

George, we are going now.

Good luck with your meeting.

Luck has nothing to do with the wheeze. It's charm.

Which I have so much of, it makes me sick to my stomach.

Me too, dear.

Bye -bye.

Bye -bye.

Say, George, why don't you and I have a bite to eat before your meeting?

I'm sorry, Willis. I'm having dinner with some very important people.

Oh, could I tag along?

Look, I don't know how to tell you this, but you'd be out of place. These people

are fun to be with.

Oh.

Oh, uh, George.

Yes? May I ask you a question? No.

Do you think I'm interesting?

Do you think other people think I'm interesting?

What are you worried about something like that for? You got Helen.

Plus, you got a lot of friends. I'm sure out of all those people, there's got to

be somebody who doesn't think you're an eggplant.

Oh, gee. Thanks, George. It's nice to hear that.

You know, sometimes I get the feeling that no one wants to spend any time with

me.

What makes you think a crazy thing like that?

Yeah. But, George... Hi,

Florence. Oh, hi, Mr. Willis.

Done a bit of shopping?

Sure did.

I think my credit card's on the critical list for a while.

Well, I gotta run.

Oh.

Off so soon?

Yeah, I gotta put these things away and get dressed. I'm meeting some old

friends tonight.

Old friends?

Gee, I love old friends.

Me too.

These are some girls from my old neighborhood.

We're having kind of a reunion.

A reunion?

Gee, I love reunions. Yeah, me too.

You know, it seems like when we girls were together, all we ever did was

Laugh? Gee, I love to laugh.

Me too.

Just running around, telling silly stories, acting crazy. You should have a

great time.

A great time. Gee, I love it. You love a great time, I know.

You know, we're just lucky we all found a night when we didn't have nothing to

do. Nothing to do? Gee, what a coincidence. I have nothing to do.

I'm sorry, Mr. Willis. I'd love to invite you, but I don't think you and my

friends have anything in common. They don't know nothing about the publishing

business. Well, if I went out with you, I'd sure tell them plenty about it.

I knew you'd understand.

No, thanks, Mr. Bentley.

I'm already down.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear it. What's the problem?

Well, as it turns out, I'm all alone tonight.

Say, why don't you and I go out for dinner?

Why, Mr. Willis, I'd be honored.

Oh, great. Any night but tonight. I have Sabrina coming over.

Oh.

Mr.

Bentley, you're a bachelor.

What do you do for entertainment?

I told you, I have Sabrina coming over.

Mr. Willis, you seem a bit edgy.

Why don't you spend the evening at home curled up with a good book?

Well, I've read everything I've got. Well, then allow me to select a book for

you, but we've got to hurry because Sabrina will be along soon, and I

even fetched the wine yet.

Oh, all right.

Oh, thank you.

Well, I haven't been here for some time.

The place looks different.

Well, you know what I always say, Mr. Willis? A man's abode is a reflection of

the man himself.

Look around, take it all in, and you'll get a pretty good idea of what I am.

Um, what are you?

Confused, yet steeped in tradition.

Oh, I get it. This old English suit of armor is the tradition part, right?

No, actually, this is the confused part, you see.

Room temperature.

The only way to drink beer.

Oh, this is nifty.

Yes, if we had more time, I would offer you one.

Oh, I have plenty of time. Yes, I don't.

Oh, now, now, this must be the tradition part. Right you are. These are some of

my ancestors.

Now, let's see. From left to right, we have Sir Byron Bentley.

He was the only Englishman ever knighted for ventriloquism.

And next we have his niece.

She was a Pisces, and yet she adored licorice.

Then we have a later Bentley, Phineas.

He was a mute, which of course explains my own bilinguality.

Oh, wait a minute. What about that last portrait? He doesn't look anything like

the others.

Oh, well, of course not. I got that at Bloomingdale's.

Now, here's a volume that I found fascinating.

One thousand and one names for your new baby?

Well, it's easy reading. And the best thing is you can start anywhere.

Oh, that must be Sabrina now.

Hey, Mr. Bentley, you're in luck. The name Sabrina means wise and full of

Ah, is there anything in there about hot to trot?

Sabrina, darling, come in. Hi, Harry.

Can you tell I'm early?

Oh, yes, I can.

You can? How?

Oh, by my watch.

Big hand or little hand?

Sabrina, it's a digital.

Oh, my goodness. And who is this vision of loveliness? Well, this is my sister

Gretchen. She's an airline stewardess. Hi, Harry.

Hello.

Hey, neat apartment.

She surprised me. She just flew in from Las Vegas.

Yeah, employer.

This is the man who knows a good joke when he hears one. My good friend, Tom

Willis. He publishes books.

Books? What a coincidence.

We have a book.

Really?

Harry.

I hope you don't mind that I brought my sister along, but she's only going to be

in for one night.

Are you my date?

Oh, excuse me for a moment, Sabrina.

Mr. Willis, you've got to help me out here. See, I expected to be alone with

Sabrina this evening, but now that seems out of the question.

Can't you entertain Gretchen while Sabrina and I go for the wine?

Oh, gee, I don't know, Mr. Bentley. The way I've been going tonight, my boring

stories would probably put her to sleep.

Perfect.

You see, and then by the time we return, I'll have thought up some idea to save

the evening.

Oh, my goodness, look at the time.

Sabrina, would you like to take a walk with me and we'll pick up the wine?

Ooh, it sounds great.

Gretchen, will you be all right?

Sure, I'll just stay here with Mr. Willis. You kids run along.

Well, we shouldn't be more than a half an hour.

Ta -ta.

Is it all right to move about the cabin?

airplane now silly so

tell me uh what does the publisher do oh

i don't think you want to hear oh no i find publishing very fascinating you

have lots of stories come sit tell

You insist.

I... Well, um... Recently, we

published a cookbook without animal fats.

It stuck to the pan, and I didn't buy coffee.

Wow, that's like an Altman film.

Do you have any more stories?

You mean you want to hear more?

I'd love to.

After all, we do have time before Sabrina and Harry get back.

Plenty of time.

Bob Dudno, that's a funny name.

Mr.

Willis, what's the matter?

Nervous? Oh, I'm not nervous.

I mean, it would be one thing if we were alone, but fortunately, we're both

here.

Is it warm in here?

You're cute, Tom. I can't call you Tom, can I?

Why?

Because that's your name.

Oh, right.

Look, sweetheart, come over here and sit down.

Before we go on here, I...

I feel there's something you ought to know. I'm married.

I knew that.

Well, what gave it away?

The sweat on your upper lip.

Thirty years.

Oh, let's not talk about that.

You know what I'm really in the mood for?

Oh, my God.

Another story.

even know how to talk. They've never read a book much less published one. I

really would like to hear another story.

Another story?

Well, several summers ago, I entered the office Olympics

at our company picnic.

Oh, an athlete.

Tell you what, you hold that thought and I'll go to the galley for some

refreshments.

Magazine, sir.

How about that?

This woman certainly doesn't find my stories boring.

And maybe, just maybe, she's not alone.

I wonder what it would be like if everybody found me as fascinating as she

I wonder.

I'm sorry, ladies. There's no more room. No, no.

Here we are, playmates. Last stop, paradise.

Yay!

That's enough, dear.

Now, from now on out, we'll make our own music.

Now, you go over there and stand next to Miss August.

I'm Miss August.

I'm Miss October.

I'm Miss...

I'm Miss May.

I'm Miss May.

1983.

1979.

It shows.

Playmates, please, please.

No matter what your names are, they were very good years.

Oh, Tom, please tell us a story about the cookbook again. Please, please,

please. No, no, no, no. I want to hear the one about how you beat Bob Dedno in

the... Three -legged race.

He told me that one twice.

He told me in Hawaiian.

Playmates, playmates, please, please.

Listen, I'm not Superman.

Oh, no, I have to rest up before my story.

Willis, are you busy?

Listen, I've got to tell you what happened at lunch today.

All right, but make it quick. I'm waiting for the night shift to come on.

There I was in this restaurant, right? And in walks the president of the United

States. And he's standing there waiting for a booth. And all of a sudden, this

guy rushes in with this great big bomb.

Now, everybody's scared, right? But the guy's not looking, so I fling my chili

dog in his face. He drops the bomb, counts on the bomb. I defuse the bomb.

cops come. They arrest the guy. The president gives me a medal and even pays

my lunch. What about that?

Willis, may I speak to you a minute, please? How can you do this

to Helen, the woman who bore your children?

Well, frankly, George, Helen bores everybody.

Now, watch this.

Girls, I have bad news.

I'm leaving town.

Now, now, and here's the good news.

I was just kidding.

Mr.

Willis, I just dropped by to use my shower. Would that be all right?

All right, but make it snappy. I'm going to tell the photocopy machine

malfunction story in there later.

Yay!

How do you do it?

What is your secret? How do you attract so many?

Well, I'll tell you, Mr. Bentley, there are two types of men in this world.

And luckily for me, I don't have to spend my time with either one of them.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Girls, it's time for my exercises.

You're right, it is.

blocking the institution of marriage, Helen must be devastated.

So what's your point?

My point is you're making a big mistake.

Willis, you're becoming an unhappy man.

George, would you move a little tiny bit over to your left?

You're blocking my view of my unhappiness.

That's it, Willis. I'm out of here. And if you were a real man, you'd be

satisfied with what you have at home.

Surely your wife is.

I wonder what's eating him.

Mr. Willis, I'm going to take my shower now. A cold one.

That's enough, girls.

I feel refreshed now.

I think it's time for another story.

I'm sorry to disturb you. Well, you should be. I was just about to tell my

playmates another one of my fabulous stories.

The ones that bore you so much.

I'm sorry, Tom, but I was wondering, when are you coming home again?

It's so lonely and boring without you.

Yes, I'll bet it is.

Life isn't very interesting without me, is it? No, and it's been two weeks.

Two weeks?

Well, how have you survived?

Oh,

Tom, please say you come home and tell me more stories.

Well, I'll think about it.

Oh, you're a saint.

So they tell me.

Here is a little something to remind you of my eternal devotion.

Oh, how thoughtful.

And here's a little something for you from me.

You'll like it. It's seedless.

Oh, thanks.

Thank you. I will cherish this forever.

Yes, you do that. Bye. Tom, I... Boy,

that Helen is a real drag.

She's beginning to act more like that irritating woman down at the office.

Who's that, Tom?

Bob Dudno's secretary.

You'll never believe what she tried to do to me last Thursday.

I want to hear all about that witch.

Well, you have been good.

All right, I'll tell you. Yes!

As I remember, the day got off to a horrible start.

No sooner had I entered the office when... No

sooner had I entered the office... I think it was about 8 .30 when...

Tom, is something wrong?

Oh, there's nothing wrong at all.

Where was I?

Oh, no sooner had you entered the office... It was about 8 .30.

Yes, the day got off to a horrible start.

I'm sorry, girls. I'm going to have to ask you all

to leave. Leave now?

You can't mean it. No, you haven't told us yet about the time you switched

everyone's inkblotter as a surprise.

I'm sorry, girls.

I can't. I can't.

I'm sorry, I just can't, that's all.

Well, maybe just one.

I can't! I can't!

Gretchen, what did you do to him?

Not a thing.

I just tried to be nice to him by pretending to like some of his boring

Ah.

Oh, Tom, I was just on my way home to find you. Well, I'm not there. I'm here.

I'm not doing anything, as you can plainly see.

Oh, Tom, I just had to leave that bridge tournament.

Do you want to know why?

Well, Helen, I don't think we owe each other any explanations.

Oh, but I do.

You know, I made a big mistake today.

I made you think that your stories were boring.

Oh, they are. They are.

Nobody likes them. Who would?

But after listening to all those other women at my table today talking about

their husbands never pay them any attention, let alone talk to them, well,

realized that I was wrong about you. I never should have made light of your

stories. Really?

You genuinely want to share every detail of your life with me.

And that makes me proud to want to share mine with you.

Oh, Helen.

Oh, so sweetheart.

From now on, I'm all ears whenever you want to tell me anything about the

Olympic, or about the messy pencil shaving, or even about buying Bob Dugno

coffee. Oh, what the blazes. Helen, you obviously don't listen. I did not buy

that coffee.

Now, it all started when...

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