Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on now, we're moving on now, to the...

me, Lord. Why me?

But, Florence, all you're doing is calling a bingo game at your church.

Sure, and Pearl Harbor was just a day at the beach.

But you sing in front of people at church all the time.

But that's in a choir.

If I make a mistake there, all I have to do is say hallelujah and don't nobody

even hear it.

Well, have you always felt this way about getting up in front of groups?

Yeah, ever since the third grade and the Know Your Solar System fashion.

I played Pluto, the dark planet.

See,

we were supposed to show how the planets orbit around the sun.

Well, I orbited it right into the orchestra pit.

Oh, look, Florence, you'll just be calling numbers, that's all.

Miss Willis, you talk about bingo like it's a game.

These old ladies are serious, honey.

Last week, Dolly Cumberland called out the wrong number.

Well, they say she's vacationing with her family, but I wouldn't... Be quiet!

I'm trying to watch the football game.

George, we're just trying to help Florence get over her fear of crowds.

she's standing up in front of the crowd, the crowd should be afraid of her.

George, you can watch football any time of year you want to.

Now, can't you just drag yourself away for just one minute and try to help?

Actually, Florence, football might be the perfect example for you. Come here a

minute.

Hey, hey, hey!

You see that quarterback?

He's calling out the numbers in front of thousands of people. And he's not the

least bit nervous.

Look.

29, 36, 18.

Hey!

No nerves at all.

Then how come he dropped a ball? He what?

Jones just fumbled the ball.

Oh, you made him miss the play. Oh, it's no big deal, George. The other team

picked it up for him.

I hate to sound insensitive about Florence's problems, but basically, who

Now, can I watch the game in peace?

All right.

Fine. If that's what you want.

We'll just go back to the bedroom. And as far as you're concerned, we don't

exist. Perfect.

Get that, will you?

Sorry, we don't exist.

This is a crucial third down play.

Fletcher's flank to the left. The back's in the I formation.

Mr. J. Oh, thank heaven your TV set is working.

Mine went on the fritz just as Chef Henri reached the critical stage with

spinach souffle.

Oh, look at it rise.

That had to be the catch of the year.

Well,

you seem a bit distraught. Look, Bentley, I'm trying to watch the

And between you and your stupid spinach souffle and Florence and her stupid

problems, all I'm seeing is the beer commercials.

Sounds like everything you could want in a game and less.

You like living dangerously, don't you?

Well, after all, I am an interpreter.

Hey, what is Florence's problem?

Oh, she's afraid to stand in front of a crowd or something. Look, speaking of

crowds, Bentley.

Oh, you know, that reminds me of my great -uncle Clement. Oh, no. Oh, yes.

Uncle Clement had a terrible fear of crowds. If he was on an elevator with

than two people, he broke out in a cold sweat.

Talk about crowded theaters, the clearance sales, forget it. He was a

until one day he finally found the perfect solution to his problem with

What's that?

He became a mass murderer.

But on the bright side, they sentenced him to solitary.

Yes, and even after three replays, that probably ranks as one of the great

kickoff returns of the season.

Who is this?

What do you want, Willis? George, I'm at the end of my rope. I don't know what

to do. Loop it and stick your neck in it.

George, George, please, you've got to help me.

I mean, where's your sensitivity, your compassion, your sense of human decency?

What do you want me to do?

George, I want you to call me fat.

For what?

See, I'm dying to eat something sweet and rich.

My diet center told me if I felt myself weakening, then to think back to the

size I was before. But I just can't do it. Oh, George, you've got to help me.

Get out of my way, man. I'm trying to watch the football game. No, no, here,

give me this. Hey!

No, listen, listen to me.

Please. You're an expert on this. Please make me feel fat again for old time's

sake.

No. I'll even set you up, George. Now, here we go. Now, let's see.

Say, I think these pants could stand some altering.

Can you think of a good place for me to have it done?

Give me the controller.

Oh, no. Come on, George. You've got to help me. Please.

Now, I'll set you up again.

Let's see.

Did you know that there are two ways in which a solar eclipse can occur?

One is that the moon blocks out the sun. And the other is... The other is...

Okay, look. If I help you out, will you help me out by getting out? Oh, you bet.

Great. Okay, Willis. If you were any bigger, you'd have your own field of

gravity.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Beautiful. My own field of gravity. Oh, I love it. Thanks, George. Oh, sorry.

Oh, bye.

Jackson sweeps left end. He's breaking into the clear.

Mr. Jefferson. What?

Are you busy?

Touchdown.

Not anymore.

Oh, good.

Hey, buddy.

Look, I can't find any markers for my bingo cards. I need something to use

instead. Okay, stick around. You can use the pieces of this television set after

I break it over your head.

I know you're not going to do that because then you wouldn't be able to see

game. It's too late for that now.

Good, then you can help me find some bingo markers.

I need something about so big, round, hard, and flat.

How about your meatballs?

That ain't funny.

Neither are your meatballs. Now leave me alone.

Mr. Jefferson, this is serious.

I gotta find some markers. It's a matter of life or death.

Can't you show some concern for my problem?

I mean, what's so interesting about football, anyway?

What is so interesting about football?

Florence, you might as well say, what is so interesting about life?

Let's stick to something you know something about.

Football is life.

It's strategy, struggle, blood and pain. Two opposing forces locked into a

fierce battle to the end.

Then it's just like bingo.

Yeah, Lucy Baldwin caused a ruckus just like that last week when she called a

bingo marker out upside down. She called out 61 instead of 90.

They had to send her to the minors. They got a minor league for bingo?

No, Reverend and Mrs. Minors.

I don't care about your markers.

Okay, let me put it to you like this.

If I don't find no markers, that means no bingo. No bingo means no money.

No money means no church. No church means no choir.

No choir means I'll be doing all my singing right here.

Okay, I'll find you something to do in the commercial, all right? Now, can I

back to the game? Oh, sure. Thank you. No more breaking in here and

interrupting. Oh, no. It's all yours. Good.

Yes, folks, it's halftime.

Jimmy,

what are you doing here?

No time for small talk. We're in trouble. What do you mean, we're in

ain't do nothing.

Yeah, that's the funny part.

But we're getting ahead of ourselves.

Now, you remember the last time you went to Atlantic City and you lost that

bundle at the table? I didn't lose that much. Hey, man, it was enough for the

hotel to offer you a complimentary room your next trip. Okay, okay, it was a

bunch. Now tell me, why are we in trouble?

I'm coming to that.

I was running a little short on rent money, and I figured Atlantic City would

a good place to find some, and so I used your room there.

You what? I knew you wouldn't mind.

Anyway, I wasn't at the blackjack table no more than five minutes, man, when

these two guys pulled me aside, right? See, they could see that I had been

counting the cards, right? So they offered me a proposition.

They would stake me a thousand bucks, right, and then we split the winning

ways, because I was hot, man, I was hot. You should have been... Oh, yeah? If I

had been there, where would you have slept?

Good point, good point, good point.

Anyway, I ran that thousand up to 50 grand, man, right?

And around about that time, I heard the call of nature, and so I headed for the

restroom, right? Now, while I am in the restroom, those two guys come in, but

they don't see me, and I overhear them planning to bump me off and keep the 50

,000 for themselves.

And so I zipped up.

zipped out, and I zapped on over here with $50 ,000 worth of chips.

Man, are you crazy?

Those guys are going to be looking for you. You're in big trouble.

Well, uh, actually, right here is where the we comes in.

Now, uh, they think I'm you.

Uh, well, you see, I had to register in your name. See, otherwise I'd have to

pay for the room myself. What?

Yeah, so,

When the two guys asked me who I was, quite naturally, I said I was you.

I mean, what would you have done? I would have given them my real name.

That's what I did. I gave them your real name.

Get out of my house. Wait now, wait now. You know, if you put yourself in my

shoes, it is kind of funny.

Except for the part about the killers coming after you. It is kind of funny.

Hey, wait a minute. Look, you can't leave me, man. You got to help me out

All right, then. Calm down now. I think we should discuss this in the kitchen.

You mean it's not even safe to talk out here? No, man, I'm starved.

I'm leaving, Mr. Jefferson.

Who cares?

Oh,

he did find something to help us out.

cash these chips in any time I want as soon as the heat dies down. The heat

ain't gonna die down until after I'm killed.

I'll miss you.

Okay, okay, okay, man, but look, I'm gonna tell you, you owe me on this one.

Okay,

where are the chips?

They're right there on the desk where you stole my money.

What are you talking about?

I was in the kitchen with you.

But, Mr. Jefferson, I put them on the desk. Who else was out here? Well,

out here, but Florence. Why would Florence want them? Because, wait a

Florence probably thought I left those chips for her bingo game.

Oh, Mr. Jefferson, we've got to find her. Once those old ladies find out how

much those chips are really worth, there'll be blue hair flying everywhere.

Uh -oh.

That's the guys from the casino.

They found you.

Oh, yeah.

What happened to we?

What do you see? Oh, my God, it's a refrigerator with a smile.

Uh -oh. That's Hugo.

Hi,

Mr. Jefferson.

Remember me?

Of course I remember you, Hugo. Come on in.

Hey, Jimmy, this is my old bodyguard, Hugo.

Charmed. Hey, man, this is an incredible coincidence, man. If there ever was a

time we needed our bodies guarded, it's now. Beautiful, man. Beautiful.

Hugo, what brings you over here? Well, like the old song says, I love New York.

And they sent me here from Atlantic City to break your legs.

Well, time to go to work. Hey, wait a minute. Hold on.

Hugo. You got the wrong man.

He's the guy.

No, it says George Jefferson right here on the invoice.

Yeah, that's what it says, all right.

Say, uh, Hugo, you got a balance due, man. Look at that.

No, that's the way they work.

Half up front, half when I give them the kneecaps.

Paperwork?

Paperwork.

I'm telling you, Jimmy used my name.

Tell it to your orthopedist.

We got the chips, baby. Good. But they're not here.

Well, let's get started.

But we can get them back, though. Just give us an hour or so.

Gee, uh, first you got them, then you don't got them. I feel like I'm on some

kind of emotional roller coaster.

Hugo, man, just give us one hour, one hour, and we'll get them.

Well, all right.

Okay, let's go, y 'all.

You better hurry up.

I gotta get back to Atlantic City by 11.

I got tickets to see Waylon and Madam.

Don't worry, one hour, I promise.

Great. I love that Madam. I don't know why she needs that Waylon, though.

I -24.

best I can.

Remember, darling?

I -24!

Okay, now, how much time do I have before Hugo comes to rip my knees off?

About ten minutes. It'll take him that long to figure out that that parking

meter isn't a slot machine.

Great.

In for... Please, excuse us for a moment, please.

Look, Florence, I gotta have all those chips back or I'm a dead man.

interrupt the game, but I gotta have all your markers back. It's a matter of

life or death, okay?

Down in front.

Did you say N45?

Yeah. I hate women.

I understand.

These ladies love their bingo. Now, let me have them. I know how to get to them.

Ladies, may I have your attention, please?

I have a telegram for someone in this room.

I can't quite make out the name.

Perhaps... it might mean something to one of you. It says, Dear Mom, you were

right. I am too good for her.

I'm coming home.

There's more.

There's more. There's more. It says, P .S.

I'm hungry, Mom.

I'll get the chip.

Mr. Jefferson, what do you think you're doing? I worked hard on this, and you're

ruining everything.

I did it for you, Florence. I know you'd hate yourself if you knew you were

standing up there calling off those bingo numbers while they're having a

Dee Williams film festival on TV.

Mr. Jefferson, this is the most ridiculous, idiotic, stupid thing you

pulled. They're showing ladies singing the blues.

I'll see you later.

Not bad, huh?

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Wasn't that a Billy Dee Wolf film festival?

Don't make no difference. She don't know the difference. Our TV's broken.

Uh, most of them, but we are still ten grand short.

Oh, uh -huh.

Look, miss, you better hurry up and go home. Your son may be hungry.

Let him starve.

Look, I know casino chips when I see them.

Uh -oh, we got trouble.

Hey, guys, thanks for the tip. The machine paid off.

Hey, you're a pretty lucky guy, Hugo.

I wish I could say the same for you.

You only got two minutes. We gotta move, Jim.

You know, I love the slots.

And in many ways, the slot machines remind me of a woman.

Let's move it, Jim. For one thing, they both have arms.

And unlike a woman, eventually, if you put enough money into a slot machine, it

might pay off.

Well, listen, Hugo, this is fascinating, but... And then there's those three

windows. They remind me of my Susie's eyes.

Let's go, Jim.

Wait a minute, man. I want to find out about this bra.

Oops.

Time's up. Already?

Doesn't time fly when you're having fun?

Hey, wait a minute, Hugo. What are we knocking ourselves out for, man? Here's

grand. Go beat her up and then grab the rest.

I don't know.

Hey, Hugo, this is the 80s.

No, I'd like to, but I can't.

Maybe you didn't know my mother was a woman.

Cheer up, Mr. Jefferson.

Look, here's some aspirin. It'll help to dull the pain a little.

Why don't you give us a couple more minutes?

Well, all right.

Just let me know when the aspirin kicks in.

Look, miss, what's your name?

Tammy. Oh, Tammy, yeah. Look, Tammy, you see this big guy over here? Mm -hmm.

Well, if I don't give him these chips back, he's gonna break both of my legs.

Tough.

Uh, Tammy?

You look like a fooling kind of lady.

I've been known to let my hair down.

Well, I'll bet you'd like a chance to raise this $10 ,000 up to

$50 ,000. Man, are you crazy?

You're going to take the $40 ,000 and try to get that $10 ,000 back?

Mr. Jefferson, you don't seem to understand something. We've got two

working against us here. Number one, we have got to make this deal attractive to

Tammy. And you don't have any choice.

That's two.

Look again.

Seven card, dud. And none of that wild card stuff. That's for girls.

Okay, the whole ball of wax, one hand.

You got it. What happens if you lose?

You got a son?

Yeah. Then the name won't die.

You mind if I deal? Nope.

Take her for everything she's worth, Jim.

Good luck to you too, Danny.

All right.

Lady take the deuce.

Dealer take the tray.

Lady take another deuce. Pair of twos.

Oh, my stars!

All right, Spidey got out of another one.

Dealer takes the eight o 'clock.

Dealer better start cheating.

Dealer takes the queen.

Dealer takes the jack of hearts.

Jim, you're losing.

Hey, man, she's only got a pair of twos. I can beat that easy.

Dealer takes another queen for two pairs showing.

Dealer takes a seven of diamonds for nada.

Does nada beat two pairs?

Not a chance.

Let's see.

$50 ,000 tax -free.

Hey, fella.

You think my winnings will buy me a yacht?

Deal.

Why don't you all look at the cards?

We got plenty of time for that.

Uh, what you got?

Sorry, fella.

Full house.

Oh, well, another day, another fibula. Look, hold it.

We still got some cards left here. Come on, Jimmy, turn the cards over.

Well, let's see, let's see, let's see, let's see.

Four diamond, that goes right here.

Okay.

Hey, six of diamond, that goes right here.

Hey, you're just one card away from a straight flush.

Or a crooked spine.

Turn the card over.

Easy come, easy go.

If I hurry, I can still make Vegas night at Temple Bethel.

Ah, great, great, great, great, great, great, great.

Okay, you go.

Here's your 50 ,000 bucks, all right?

Thanks. I'm glad it turned out this way.

This has been quite a moral dilemma for me. I've got to get out of this

business. Pretty disgusting not getting paid to beat up on people.

Nah, I just hate living in Jersey.

You got to admit, this was some adventure, right?

Man, I could kill you. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Before you do something

might regret, I didn't tell you something earlier. You see, I won an

,000 in Atlantic City that the hoods don't even know anything about.

And just to show you that I have no hard feelings, I'm going to split, you know,

the $5 ,000 with you.

Here's $100.

I don't want your stupid money, man.

Let me tell you something. I may bend the rules a little bit, but you, man.

You have no consideration at all, no moral values. I mean, you love money so

much you even use your friends. Let me tell you something.

Until you learn that there's more in life than money, I don't ever want to

or hear from you again, ever.

Hello, brother.

Oh, hello, Reverend.

You seem a little out of the weather.

Yeah, I've got a couple of problems.

Well, rest assured you're not alone.

The church here has fallen on hard times, too.

The hall needs new plumbing.

Stained glass windows need repair.

And donations are way down.

Well, how much do you think it'll cost to fix all of this?

I don't know.

Three, four, maybe $5 ,000.

I don't know where I'd ever get it.

Me neither.

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