Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on up, moving on up, to the...

You forgot to finish Tom's name.

No, I didn't. I just ran out of icing.

I mean, I figure after 30 years, they both ought to know who she's married to.

Hey, Weez. Hey, Flo. Hey, a cake.

What's the occasion?

Oh, now, George, don't tell me you forgot such an important anniversary.

Of course not. How could I forget something like that? Happy anniversary,

sweetheart.

I'd suggest hitting him with the cake, but I want the Willis to see it.

Uh, George.

It's not our anniversary. It's the Willis's. Well, now, who could remember

something like that?

I did.

I know, Weezy, but see, that's because you ain't got nothing else going for

yourself.

Go ahead. Hit him with the cake.

George, we talked about today a week ago, and we all agreed that we'd make

something personal for Tom and Ellen to show them what we think of them. Now,

what are you going to make? Look, Weezy, it's still early in the day. I'll think

of something personal and special.

Like what?

A damn good excuse.

Well, I'll give you an excuse. How about your wife dislocating your thumbs?

Oh, this is so Mr.

Willis' 30th anniversary.

You act like this wasn't a lifetime thing or something.

Who's y 'all getting so great?

Uh, now, for your information, George, Florence spent the whole morning baking

them this cake.

Hmm.

Why, no. I'll get them coffins.

Mr. Jefferson, you can make fun of me all you want, but I draw the line at

insulting Betty Crocker.

Mr. Jefferson, where should I put this until the willifers come down? Why don't

you take it down to the river and rent it out as an anchor?

Why don't you come with me and I'll rent you out as bait?

George, I wish you would cooperate.

Now, I know you can find the time to think of a gift of your own.

Something... thoughtful and meaningful.

See, if you hadn't said something thoughtful and meaningful, I could have

them this dumb photo album.

Well, that's my gift to them.

Not anymore, Nate.

Why not?

Because now it's our gift to them.

Well, okay.

But if you want to take credit, you should know what it is.

It's sort of a photographic history of their marriage since we've met them.

Oh.

It's okay, except the picture's all messed up.

Why? What's wrong?

The Willises are in every picture.

Joke about it as much as you want to, George, but this is a very special

occasion. One of the happiest days of their lives.

Oh, Tom, dry up.

We always do what you want to do. Now this time, you're going to do what I

to do. Forget it, Helen. I've made up my mind, and there's no changing it. Oh,

there isn't? Then maybe you'd just like to spend your 30th anniversary alone.

Just maybe I would.

Helen, Tom, what's going on here?

Oh, I don't know, Louise.

What started off as a happy anniversary, Tom has turned into one of the worst

days of my life.

Happy anniversary. Oh, not now, Florence.

Happy anniversary. Florence, not now!

Excuse us, but Helena and I came down here hoping that you two could settle a

small dispute.

Now, I don't know whether you noticed it or not, but we've been quarreling.

Hey, we don't mind. Just don't bleed on the furniture.

Well, I just want to know what this is all about.

It's about where we're going to spend our anniversary night. That's right, and

that's why we're here. Now, we decided to present our cases to you two

anonymously and then abide by whatever you say.

Well... I don't know. This is your anniversary, and I'm sure George and

come on, Weezy. They're our friends. They need us. They care about us.

And either way, we're going to get rid of them for the weekend. So go ahead and

shoot. Well, as Tom said, we decided to make this anonymous.

So I'm going to give you both of our suggestions, but I'm not going to tell

whose idea is whose.

Well, now, that sounds fair.

Okay.

Now, one of us wants to go on a carefree getaway weekend just the two of us to

the Plaza Hotel, one of the most elegant, romantic, luxurious places in

world.

And the other one wants to go on a boring, disgusting fishing trip to a

greasy, filthy log cabin God knows where in Canada.

Now, as I said, I'm not going to tell you whose idea is whose.

But what do you think?

Just one moment, Helen. Now, that's not fair.

I saw you giving Louise clues with your eyes.

I did not.

And how dare you call that cabin filthy?

Oh, now, Tom, I saw the brochure. The floor is covered with dirt.

Oh, that's all you know about it. The dirt is the floor.

And you never even mention the most important feature.

Separate bedrooms?

Worm farm on the premises.

Oh, talk about having your cake and eating it.

Not that one.

Look, Helen, I have nothing against the plaza, but it's right around the corner.

What kind of anniversary is that?

I mean, where's the adventure?

The intrigue?

Where's the mystery, Helen?

Where?

The mystery is at the worm farm, Tom.

And when you get there, you'll discover the name of it.

The case of the missing wife.

Can't you stop being so stubborn and see things my way for once? Me?

Me? It's you. You're the one who refuses to budge. I love this.

Are we ready for the case?

No, not now, Florence, but soon.

Now, look, I can settle this whole thing.

Helen, now, you sit here.

Get up, George. Hey, wait a minute. I live here.

live someplace else.

Tom, you here.

Oh, well, uh... Now,

30 years together is a long time. And the purpose of an anniversary is to

celebrate that.

Now, as a gift to you...

I have made this photo album to show some of the high points of your

The fun times.

Actually, the whole thing was my idea.

I allowed her to do the gluing and pasting and stuff like that.

And just to remind you...

Of how much fun you two have shared over the years, I'm going to open this book

at random and just let the happy moments flow.

Now, remember this?

Oh, yeah.

That's when we all went to Hawaii together.

Oh, look at poor Tom Thunberg.

Oh, I felt so sorry for you.

You're red as a lobster.

Expensive one. They're priced by the pound, you know.

Oh, come on, Helen. Now that sunburn wasn't so bad.

Oh, you've forgotten how you gave me those coconut oil rub -downs.

See?

Now we're getting somewhere.

Hey, there we all are at Coney Island.

Oh, yeah. Tom, remember how scared you were on the parachute jump?

I was not scared. The safety harness was squishing my peanut butter cups.

Now, Helen, it's better than fighting.

Oh, now, this is nice. Where was this taken?

Oh, that's me.

Oh, up in the finger lakes. You know, I caught a seven -pound muskie later on

that day.

You'll notice his wife's not in the picture.

Oh, but, Helen, I begged you to go on that trip. But, oh, no, we had our

attitude, didn't we?

Me? What about your attitude?

Everything is fishing, fishing, fishing.

You shouldn't have married me. You should have married Charlie the tuna.

Oh, believe me, Helen, if he was a woman, I... Maybe you'd both

rather see our album. Are you kidding?

Look, I got an idea that'll make everybody happy. Now, George, you cannot

here.

We gotta help Tom and Helen solve their problems. I know, that's what I'm

talking about. Hey, Willis, remember that place you and Helen went to and you

liked so much?

Why, George, you don't expect us to spend our anniversary in the shower.

You told him.

Well, nobody told me.

You see, William, look. I don't want to know nothing about that. I'm talking

about your honeymoon. Don't you remember?

Went to that small town, a small hotel.

You and Helen liked it so much. Why don't you spend your anniversary there?

George, that's a sensational idea.

Oh, really, Tom? I love it, too.

Oh, George, I'm so proud of you. Give me a kiss for being so sweet. No

celebrating until they're on their way.

Thanks, George. I'm going to make the reservations right now.

Oh, George, I'll never forget this. How can I ever thank you?

Hey, come on, you're leaving us thanks enough.

Well, regardless, I am so happy. I can remember that hotel just like it was

yesterday. Oh, our room was so charming, just like a dream.

Not fancy, but honest.

Oh, the perfect place to spend our honeymoon.

Well,

we're booked.

Oh, fantastic.

Oh, but sweetheart, I couldn't get our same room.

Oh, but we'll still have fun. You bet we will. I got the presidential suite.

Can I come out now?

Oh, yes, Florence.

And don't forget the cake.

Tom, this is so romantic.

Ah,

the presidential suite.

Oh, you know what would make it perfect? To be carried across the threshold.

Well, sweetheart, if you think you can lift me, I... Never mind. Just open the

door. Okay.

Gee, it looks like nothing's been changed for the last 30 years.

Not even the sheep.

Well, Helen, so it isn't the plaza. Oh, but we're here to have a good time.

And don't forget, it is the presidential suite.

I was going to ask you, are you sure about that?

Well, there's no harm in double -checking.

This is Tom Willis.

Tom Willis.

Well, I prefer the term stocky, but yes, that's me.

I'd like to confirm something.

You did give us the presidential suite.

Yes,

there is a bedspread.

This is it.

Thank you. Oh, and would you have someone bring our luggage up right away?

Thank you.

Well, that's settled.

Well, I guess I could have saved you a phone call.

Here's a picture of a president who actually stayed here.

Oh, anyone we voted for?

I don't think so.

It's Al Girardi, president of the local Rotarians.

Well, now, wait a minute. If it's good enough for Big Al, it's good enough for

us.

Happy anniversary, sweetheart.

Happy anniversary.

Well, here we are.

Who is it?

Bill, boy!

How's that for fast service? It's our luggage already.

Since it's your anniversary and all. Oh, how nice.

Oh, well, this is terrific.

Uh, thank you.

Cereal?

Well, we're all out of grapes.

But, uh, shouldn't breakfast come in the morning?

Oh, come on. You don't expect me to hang around here all night, do you?

I work the swing shift.

If you wanted it in the morning, you shouldn't have had your anniversary on

day off.

Oh, well, we're sorry.

Here.

Oh.

In case there's nobody at the desk to give you a wake -up call, you can use

this. Oh, gee, thanks. Be careful, Walt.

She's a little temperamental.

Doesn't always go off, so just give it a good smack when you want to wake up.

Sir, excuse me, but we haven't been in this area for several years, and we'd

like to know, can you tell us what people do for fun around here?

Oh, I'm glad you asked.

I have a list of activities here for the summer season.

Let's see, what month are we in?

July. Oh, you're both going to be here three months?

No, no, no, just for the weekend.

Oh, too bad, it's going to be a hayride in September.

I tell you what, I could bring you my pickup and you could take a tour of the

quarry.

Sweetheart? Forget it, Tom.

Well, leave a note to change your mind.

Oh, by the way,

Have you folks checked your view yet? Why, no, we haven't. Good.

And don't forget to bring up our luggage.

Well, I wonder what he meant about the view.

Really, Tom, I don't think I want to know.

So, what do you want to do?

Why, sweetheart, there are a lot of things we could do.

Well, we could, um... That's a little early for that.

Well, we could, uh...

Helen, look. It's a vibrating bed.

Oh, come over here, darling.

Sit down.

You're going to love this.

Whoa. This is living.

I really don't think I like this. What's that?

I say I don't like this. I'm sorry, sweetheart. I said I don't like this.

All right, darling, but you don't have to shout about it.

I think it's out of order anyway.

Oh, thank God.

Um, well... Oh, we could watch TV.

Hey, Helen, this is kind of interesting. Come on over and watch it.

Change the channel, Tom.

All righty.

Angelics, hog futures rose slightly, pork bellies dipped, but soybeans, well,

that's our big story tonight.

Helen, looks like we have a choice between Dottie and the farm report.

I think we ought to go with Dottie.

that I pictured that tonight would be just a little different, that's all.

I'm sorry, sweetheart, but from now on, it's going to be smooth sailing.

Oh, you think so?

I know so.

I love you.

Oh, Tom, maybe you should try room service again. Oh, you're right. I am a

little miffed. We put in our order two hours ago.

Well, I warned you not to order your steak. Well done.

Oh, come on, Helen. It's not funny. I'm starving.

I mean, I've tried to think positively about this, but everything's going

I mean, well, you're bored to high heaven. The luggage isn't here yet. The

is late.

Ooh, and I don't even want to talk about that toilet incident.

But not.

And please, don't upset yourself.

Well, I... Oh, see?

There's room service now.

Either that or Rod Serling.

thing's been going wrong, in particular that toilet incident.

Please, please, we don't like to speak about that. I know, and I don't blame

you. Anyway, the meal's on the house, and I hope you enjoy it. Oh, thank you.

Oh, by the way, the pickup truck is no longer available.

Why?

Well, the fellow who owns it stole it from me.

Oh, tough luck.

Oh, listen, may I ask you again about bringing up our luggage?

Sure thing. I'd have brought it up already, but I had to bring you food.

But the food is two hours late.

Well, I can think about that. Your luggage is four hours late.

Helen, his attitude is going to be reflected in his tip.

Don't let him upset our meal.

Oh, I must say, it does look delicious.

Yeah. The way it's arranged and everything, with the flour.

Oh, Helen, at last, a perfect moment.

Well, not quite perfect.

Is it me?

Or do you feel a little warm, too?

Yeah, I do. I'll turn on the air conditioner.

Ah, then we'll have our perfect meal, madame.

And then we'll see if we can figure out something to do for dessert.

Voila. Oh, dear.

but this is too much. Hello, front desk, this is Tom Willis.

Yes, the stocky one in the presidential suite.

I should cancel my reservation.

That's right for the whole weekend.

Why? Oh, I'll tell you why.

The service is lousy, the room is run down, the TV doesn't work, and the only

view we have is that of a diseased, rotting oak tree.

What?

I don't care if it is where they hung smiling Sam Snodgrass back in 38.

This place just isn't the way it used to be. Oh, and you can forget about

sending up our luggage.

There's your luggage, Mr. Willis.

I'm sorry about the delay.

Do you believe him?

I'm going to talk to that man. Hey, pardon me. Do you see that jerky

Wow, look at the size of their room.

I beg your pardon? This is the presidential suite, isn't it? Yeah.

I hope we don't seem nosy, but would you mind if we took a quick look?

Oh, no, not at all. Come right in.

I'm sorry it's so messy.

You are guests in the hotel.

Yes, we are.

Well, then you can understand.

203, down the hall.

203? Isn't that a coincidence?

That's the same room my husband Tom and I spent our honeymoon in 30 years ago

this weekend.

Well, it's even more of a coincidence because we're on our honeymoon, too.

Oh, isn't that wonderful? Well, congratulations.

Thank you.

room is nothing compared to this one.

We're sort of on a budget. You know, just starting out.

Now, wait a second. I've got a great idea. You know, this room is paid for

the next two nights, and we have to leave tonight.

Why don't you two move in here?

You do have life insurance.

What my husband means is that we've had a few mechanical problems, but the

room's yours if you want it. The offer's very sweet, but we don't want to move,

really.

You mean the stuff works in your room?

Well, we've got a couple of slight problems.

But what difference do they make, really?

When you're with the person you most want to be with.

I'm sure it's the same thing with you two, right?

Well, um... That's absolutely right.

Well, we appreciate your letting us see the room.

Thank you.

No, thank you.

Oh, honey, look.

I hope we're this romantic after we've been married 30 years.

Yeah.

But neater.

Helena, I don't feel like going home now, do you?

Not a bit. Good.

Uh, front desk, this is Tom Willis again. I'd like to cancel my

My wife and I have decided to stay here after all.

Oh, and about all the electrical problems, the lousy service, and the

room, keep up the good work.

I'll call your cab, Mr. Willis.

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