Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on up, moving on up to the...

I get to take a special guest of my choice to lunch Saturday with Kent

The soap opera star, Kent Tobin! Calm down.

You're getting carried away.

After all, he's just a man.

You want to be my guest?

To meet Kent Tobin.

I guess I can manage to go.

Oh, thank you, Miss Jefferson. See, I was going to invite Betty, but since

is a special occasion, I wanted to invite a special friend.

Besides, Betty don't pay my paycheck.

Well, I don't care why you invited me. I'm just glad you did.

Gee, I don't know when I'm going to ask him first.

I do. I'm going to ask him if the mystery woman he flew to Brazil with was

really Ramona the jewel thief or the woman who had his child four years ago.

How do you keep the plot to that soap opera straight?

Soap opera? I'm talking about his private life, Jack.

Hi, Weas. Oh, hi, George.

Boy, have I got a great weekend planned.

Well, George, I've already made some plans.

Will I be able to keep my lunch date on Saturday?

Why not? I said I was going somewhere. I said nothing about you.

I'm going to play golf with Whittendale.

But since when do you play golf? I don't, Weaves.

The real object of golf is to dress in loud clothes, ride in electric cars, and

hang around with rich people. I'm going to be doing all three of those things

Saturday and Sunday.

Wait a minute. Aren't you supposed to go to a basketball game with Tom on

Sunday? Yeah, but I can always dump him.

You mean to tell me just because something better came up, you're going

disappoint your best friend?

Of course. You can't disappoint your enemies. They're expecting it.

Good news.

The day Willis buys this building is the day I will spend a Sunday with him, and

you can take that to the bank.

I want to practice my swing.

Well, the least you can do is call Tom so he can make other plans.

It hurt his feelings? What kind of friend would do something like that?

You tell him for me.

Oh, hi, Tom. Come on in.

Hi, Louise.

Hey, George, old buddy. I just dropped by to tell you I picked up the tickets

for the game. Oh, I'm really up for this one.

How about you?

Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, great, great.

Oh, Willis, have I ever told you how valuable your friendship is to me?

No, but I feel the same way.

Oh, I really look forward to these times we spend together.

Yeah, well, that's great. We've got to be careful.

Careful? Of what?

Friendship burnout.

Most experts say that it's dangerous for close friends to get overexposed to

each other. Oh, come on.

I'm serious.

I mean, it's a fact.

You know, most divorced couples are once married, right?

Yeah, but all we were planning to do was go to a basketball game together.

That's why we got to cancel it, to save our friendship.

What? Look, trust me, old buddy, we saved it just in time, okay?

Hey, wait a minute. That's a lot of hooey.

The reason you're canceling is that you're going golfing. Where'd you get a

crazy idea like that?

You had better tell him the truth, George.

Okay, I'll tell you the truth since you figured it out anyway.

Whittendale is forcing me to go play golf with him.

Yeah, well, we've been planning this for two weeks.

Oh, come on, what are you trying to do to me?

It's not like something like this has never happened to you before. You should

be used to it by now.

Boy, it's a good thing I'm a patient man.

I don't like to go to basketball games alone. I mean, it makes me nervous to be

sitting there. Don't worry about it. Look, if the home team is winning,

is bound to talk to you.

Louise, what am I going to do?

Oh, well, Tom, don't you have any other friends?

Who do you think I asked before him?

Well, what about Helen? Can't she go?

No, Helen's visiting her mother.

Hey, Louise, how about you?

Oh, well, I'm not a basketball enthusiast. What I mean is I'm not much

Well, actually, I hate it.

Oh, well, all right.

Okay, I'll go. Oh, wonderful. Oh, you won't regret it. Thank you, thank you,

thank you. We'll have a ball.

Oh, and, uh, Louise, don't bring any cash with you. It's a rotten

That's exactly what I didn't want to happen. I hate basketball.

Oh, well, you want to stir up a little excitement?

Just put a sign on Willis' back. I carry cash.

You know, the way you treat people, I'm surprised that you have any friends at

all. What are you talking about? I'm a gem.

People know exactly the way I feel about them. That's why it doesn't matter what

I say to them.

Well, it matters to me.

And I want you to promise from now on, when you make plans with our friends,

that you won't drop it just because something better comes along.

Okay, I promise.

Hi, Mr. J. Are we on for Saturday?

Nope.

Mr. Bentley, please come in. I'm sorry.

Oh, it's all right, Mr. J. You know, a day without a door slam is a day without

Mr. J.

I can't believe this.

He can't fill out on you when you are not even angry.

Oh, it's because I know he's only joshing.

After all, who in his right mind would give up an opportunity to see Her

Majesty's collection of 19th century English teapots?

I'll start the ball rolling.

Oh.

Mr. J., you can't desert me now. I mean, one hardly goes to a teapot exhibit

stag.

Well, Mr. Bentley, maybe you can go on another day.

No, I'm afraid Saturday at 1 .30 is the only time.

Oh, and I was so particularly wanting to see the teapot that once belonged to

Queen Victoria.

They say she kept it on her nightstand next to her bed, you see, filled with a

special herbal brew she used to cleanse her carbuncles.

I hate to miss that.

Well, what about your other friends?

Who do you think I asked before, Mr. J?

Well, are you sure you can't go alone?

Oh, I suppose I could, but it's not the same thing as being able to turn to a

good friend and say, gee, what a teapot.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, well.

If it means that much to you, I'll go. Oh, thank you, Mrs. J. Thank you. You

won't regret it, and you won't be disappointed.

You know, teapots are an art unto themselves.

I think my own love affair with teapots began when I was just a lad of four, and

I first heard the immortal lyric, I'm a little teapot, short and stout.

Here is the door, now get the...

What are you going to wear to lunch with Kent Tobin?

Oh, no.

I forgot all about that.

Florence, I can't go.

Seaweeds, there you go, disappointing your friends again.

Oh, well, that's a shame, Miss Jefferson.

You know, I was really looking forward to spending the afternoon with you.

Oh, hi, Betty.

I was supposed to have lunch with Florence and Kent Tobin.

Well, just tell Bentley you can't make it. But he had his heart set on it, and

promised him. See, that's the trouble with you, Weez. You make dates and keep

them. Anybody could do that.

You should do like I do sometimes.

Like, if I don't want to go, I don't go. And they're still my friends.

Because I always bail you out.

Come on, Weez, you gotta admit it.

I mean, living with me is never a dull moment, right?

I mean, I'm a regular three -ring circus.

Yeah, and I always get stuck with a shovel behind the elephant.

Oh, Betty says she's sorry you can't go.

You know what I don't understand?

I'm Mrs. Nice Guy, and I'm going to have a lousy weekend.

George is Mr.

Step All Over Your Friends, and he's going to wind up doing whatever he

Yeah.

That's just the way he is. He just doesn't care.

It must be nice not to care.

Once, just once, I'd like to be like George.

Just once.

Hello, Florence.

Oh, hi, Mr. Jefferson.

Listen, thank you for the little extra bonus in my paycheck.

Oh, don't even mention it, Blanche. You deserve it. I mean, you know, it's a

pretty hectic job working for Louise.

Oh, I know, but your job is tougher.

You're married to her.

Hi, George.

I'm home.

Hi, Louise.

George, George, George, do you realize how lucky you are to be married to me?

You never let me forget.

I sold 500 Help Center raffle tickets. It's a record.

Oh, you poor baby. You must be tired. How'd you do it?

It was simple.

I just went to all your stores and told the employees if they wanted to keep

their jobs, they had to buy five tickets.

Mine is for a good cause.

And also, how can you resist this prize?

Help the help center and win a warm winter vacation.

Come on, Louise, you can't afford prizes like this.

Oh, George, grow up.

There are no warm winter vacations. Why not?

Because there are no winning raffle tickets.

Yeah, but look.

If you sell 500 raffle tickets...

499 people will be disappointed, right?

Right. So what's one more?

Because it's not fair.

Oh, George, George, George.

Who said that life was fair?

Is it fair that I have Florence for a maid?

Fair that I'm voluptuous and Helen looks like olive oil?

Okay, so life isn't fair, but at least a help center charity should be.

Why? Because those poor people put up their money in good faith.

Oh, well, you know how people are. When they lose, they always say, oh, well, I

never win anything anyway.

So I'm just making it come true.

Oh, Mr. Jefferson, I've finished the ironing.

Here's the handkerchief you asked for. Thank you, Florence.

Oh, boy, do you look sharp.

Thank you.

Well, aren't you forgetting me?

I've been trying to for years.

Florence, answer the door.

I can't do that, Miss Jefferson.

And why not?

Because if I do that, I can't do what I'm doing.

Well, what are you doing?

Nothing.

If I answer the door, I'll be doing something.

Oh, my goodness.

Ta -da!

What do you think?

Who was that, Louise?

It looked like Tom and Helen, but you can't be too careful.

Careful about what?

It might really be them.

Thank you, George.

You have to excuse Louise.

Why? Well, somebody has to.

Oh, Mrs.

Willis, what a beautiful coat.

Oh, thank you, Florence.

Oh, I'll never have anything like that.

Oh, Florence, I don't know.

Maybe a dead cat will fall on you.

Never mind her, Florence.

She's just jealous.

And why should I be jealous?

If I had a sable coat, at least I'd know what to wear with it.

Well, what's wrong with what she's wearing?

Look, she's got on a sable coat, a lizard belt, and alligator shoes.

She's carrying around more animals than Noah.

Except one, the weasel.

Unless, of course, I have a picture of you in my wallet.

Uh, Helen, sweetheart, I hate to admit it, but maybe for once in her life she's

right. Of course I'm right. I'm Louise Jefferson, queen of fashion.

Oh, well, maybe I should pick out some other accessories.

Oh, come on, Tom, you can help.

Yes, Angel.

Why don't you start with the zoo?

Well, how do I look?

Well, Florence, I can't get over it.

Even Sable looks like cat fur on you.

I think she looks great.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Jefferson.

What becomes a legend most?

Well, in your case, dearie, a matching ski mask.

Now get back in the kitchen before you wind up on unemployment.

Well, that's all right with me because I could stand a race.

What about the door?

No, you can keep that.

Oh, hello, Mr. J.

Hello, Mr. Bentley. What can we do for you?

Hello, Mr. D. I was wondering if I might borrow some acetone.

Acetone? Yes, you see, I was gluing my cricket bat together and I had a bit of

an accident.

Are you okay?

Oh, glad to hear it.

No, you don't understand. I've glued my finger to my thumb.

Well, that could happen to anybody.

I'll get you some acetone. Oh, thank you so much. You know, this incident

reminds me of something that happened to my great -uncle Uriah.

He was forever building model ships and planes, you see, and he was very good at

it until one time something happened while he was working on a replica of the

HMS Bounty that made him give up model building permanently.

He glued his fingers together?

No, he got a really good whiff of the glue and he spent the rest of his life

thinking he was a very valuable chest of drawers.

Where's Mr. Bentley?

He started talking about his relatives and came unglued.

Oh, well, I guess you won't need this.

Go back to England!

We beg your pardon?

Uh, we gave it the office.

Are you the Louise Jefferson who's running the Help Center raffle?

What's it to you?

My name is Marie Hazar. I'm from the Better Charities Bureau.

Better Charities Bureau?

Yes. You see, we've had so many reports of phony raffles that we decided to come

over and make sure that yours actually does exist.

Well, thank goodness for people like you.

I always suspected a lot of charities were fraud.

I know a man who won an Irish sweepstake.

And he wasn't even Irish.

Mrs. Jefferson, the real reason I'm here is to make sure that the prize listed

on the raffle ticket actually does exist.

Now, what is this warm winter surprise vacation?

Uh, well, if I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise now, would it?

Mrs. Jefferson, I think I should tell you that we have jailed over 300 people

for fraud.

Jailed? Oh, Mrs. Jefferson, be careful. You're sitting on your sable coat.

Oh, well, this is not my coat.

It belongs to the help center.

This is the prize for the raffle.

Really? Of course.

It's warm, it's winter, and wearing it...

Makes every day like a vacation.

Mrs. Jefferson, it is a beautiful prize.

I'm just going to take it into custody until the winner is announced.

But... And of course, I'll be there to oversee the drawing.

Can't be too careful. Bye -bye.

But what am I going to do about Helen?

Louise, the doorbell.

Oh, very good.

And the coffee table, magazine, and the sofa.

Tomorrow, we'll work on numbers.

We're back.

I changed my belt, but we couldn't decide what pair of shoes.

Where's my fur coat?

Right where you left it.

Hey, wait a minute. That's not Helen's fur coat.

What are you talking about?

He's right, Louise. That's the cloth coat with the fur collar.

I know that.

But if Helen wants to call it a fur coat,

What did you do with my coat?

I didn't do anything with your coat.

And I don't like these accusations.

Hi, Miss Jefferson. I forgot to give you the receipt for your sable coat. It's

such a wonderful prize for the Help Center raffle.

Maybe one of you will get lucky and win it.

So that was Helen's coat.

Well, she always gives to the help center. It's just that this year she

to give a little more.

My stable coat!

Oh, very good, Helen.

They say it pays to give till it hurts.

Can you believe how selfish some people are?

And where are you going?

With the Willisons. Why?

For two reasons. Number one, to help them get their stable coat back. And

two, to get away from you.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. No,

no, no, no, no.

You are not leaving me here with this poor excuse for a woman.

Well, big deal.

If you think that leaving me alone is going to upset me, well, you're wrong.

Because I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. But I don't like it.

I don't like it. I don't like it. What's the matter?

I don't like being alone. I like having friends and being nice to them. And

being me.

Okay, okay, that's great.

But if it means I have to look at teapots and basketball while you play

well... That's what I'm going to have to do. Okay, look, Wheeze, Wheeze, you may

not have to do that.

What? Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking, you know, and you're

right. I mean, I've been unfair to you, Bentley, and Willis, so I figure the

best thing to do is just call Whittendale and call off the whole golf

George, do you really mean that?

Yeah.

And I can have lunch with Kent Tobin? Sure, Wheeze.

Oh, George!

I'd better tell Florence, and maybe she can arrange to take Betty and me. Oh,

George, thanks.

Don't mention it, Weas.

Oh, hello, Mr. Whittendale.

Look, I'm just calling you to tell you I'm not the least bit upset about you

canceling the golf date.

But I just want to ask you one more thing.

When you get your next big business deal, would you consider me as a

Hello?

Hmm.

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