Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on up, we're moving on up, to the...

Of course, Jefferson.

Yes, again.

Look, have you found my wife yet?

I know the class broke up late, but the help center is not that big.

Why don't you just cover up your mustache and take a look in the ladies'

You a lady?

Hello, hello.

Hello.

It's about time.

Where you been?

Well, gee, George, I was just upstairs peeking through Helen's diary.

they want to see that new shirt machine.

It's not a shirt machine, Willis.

It's a hydraulic shirt puffer.

We can't see it yet because the girls are not back from their defense class

Well, they're not.

I wonder what's keeping them. I don't know.

Probably hanging around with that teacher, drooling all over them.

Oh, George, you don't mean they've got a crush on their instructor.

Are you kidding? That's all they talk about, Ben Carter. Just because he's

all around the world and done all kind of adventures.

They think Ben Carter does this, Ben Carter does that.

Ben Carter!

talking about that gorgeous hunk of man, Ben Carter?

What are you talking like that for? I lost my voice.

Oh, well, that's a start. Now, how about the rest of your body?

Florence, don't tell me you know Ben Carter, too.

Yes, I take self -defense classes from him every Tuesday night.

Florence, isn't that an insult to the Lord? I mean, he took a lot of time and

patience throwing that face of yours together, you know.

Mr. Jefferson, you're just jealous of Ben Carter.

Jealous of Ben Carter? Why should I be jealous of him?

He's a man just like I am. He puts his pants on one leg at a time, too.

But his don't fit Mickey Mouse.

Oh, shut up, Willis.

Ben Carter ain't nothing.

Ain't nothing?

The man's been all over the world, done just about everything a man can do. But

you, you're just a dry cleaner.

Just a dry cleaner, huh? You try telling that to somebody in gabardine face down

in the mud.

And I challenge any man one -on -one who thinks he can beat me.

Oh, George!

I would like you to meet Ben Carter.

Good to meet you, George.

Your wife told me all about you. Yeah, she told me all about you, too, so I

guess there's nothing left for us to talk about, right? See you later, Ben.

This is my husband, Tom.

Hi, Ben. Just call me Butch.

George, Ben was nice enough to walk Helen and me home after class, so I

him up for a chat.

Then chat he shall.

I want to speak to you for a minute over here.

Excuse us. We'll be right back.

Well, Lisa, I thought you were going to go over to see my shirt puffer. I am,

but right now we have a guest. No, you have a guest.

Well, give him a chance.

He's absolutely fascinating.

More fascinating than my new shirt puffer?

George, I'll be glad to see your shirt puffer after we talk with Ben. Now, come

on and please behave yourself.

Oh, Ben's been telling us about some of his incredible adventures.

Did you tell him about that awful cave -in, Ben? Oh, I don't want to take up

of your time. Oh, tell him. Oh, very well.

I was in Australia, exploring this old abandoned mineshaft, when all of a

I heard this rumbling.

You should have tried some Pepto -Bismol.

The next thing I knew, before I had a chance to react, the whole mine

There I was, trapped, deep beneath the earth.

Total darkness.

Just the rat.

The bat.

And me with no more than two hours of oxygen.

If I was lucky.

Did you make it out, Ben?

Well, I think what he means is... What do you mean?

Forgive me. I was just caught up in your story. Tell him how you made it out,

Ben. Well, it took me three hours.

But I dug my way out. Wait a second. You said you only had two hours of air

left. I did.

That was for any other man.

That's where my Eastern meditation training came in.

I

was able

to slow down my heartbeat and respiration enough to hold out. Tom,

fabulous? Oh.

Helen, that's nothing. Did I ever tell you about the time I had to proofread an

E .E. Cummings poem?

I nearly went out of my mind.

Go ahead, Ben.

George, did you notice the ornament Ben has around his neck? Yes.

What'd you do, Ben? Break in the zoo and mug a panda?

For your information, George, that is a real Kodiak bear claw.

I had to kill the bear in self -defense.

Oh, you used your own two hands?

Actually, I did it with one hand. I had to use the other one to rescue the cub.

Oh, come on.

You believe this guy, Willis?

Ben, don't be verbose. Just say to my dear friend Tom.

I mean, Butch.

Killing a bear ain't that tough. Anybody can kill a bear.

I'll tell you something tough. You tried cleaning grease stains over 600 aprons.

That, my friend, is tough.

I'm sure you were equal to those stains, George.

It's been nice chatting with you, but I've got to get my ten miles in today.

You're a runner, too?

Sort of.

I'm going to be in the Boston Marathon, but I'm just using that as a tune -up

for the triathlon in Hawaii.

Oh, well, then, why don't Helen and I walk you downstairs?

We'll be back in a few minutes, George, and then we'll all go see your fluffer.

Puffer, wheeze, shirt puffer.

Whatever.

Did I ever tell you ladies about the time I fell into the Amazon River?

Had to wrestle an alligator.

I hope he gets frostbited at knees.

Oh, come on, George. You've got to give the man a little credit.

What are you talking about, Willis? You take away Carter's strength, bravery,

and his good looks and what you've got left.

You.

What are you laughing at, Willis? Can't you see what's going on here?

What? Our wives think this guy is more interesting than we are.

Well, isn't he?

Well, yeah, but we don't want them to know it.

Now, George, you know, it's not in my nature to put the man down.

I mean, first of all, he has led an interesting life.

And secondly, I don't want to see any part of my body hanging around his neck.

Our wives are losing respect for us. Do you really think so?

What would you have more respect for? A guy that wrestles alligators or a guy

that edits cookbooks?

We've got a big problem here. No more words. No more talk.

Action I want.

Information. Get me the number of Pierre's florist.

Look.

This guy fights bears with one hand.

Now, be fair, George. You haven't even seen any of Pierre's arrangements.

He can do them with one hand.

Oh, what do you want, Bentley?

Do I have to want something every time I come over here, Mr. J? Yes.

Very well. I'll take a Duraflame log.

I don't have a Duraflame log.

Oh, good. I don't have a fireplace.

What are you two up to?

Bentley, we're having a problem here.

Oh, what's your problem?

None of your business.

I see.

Oh, Mr. Bentley.

Our wives don't respect us.

I see. Have you tried flowers?

See? Oh, come on, Bentley. You don't know nothing about this. You ain't never

been married.

Oh, Mr. J., you don't have to be married to lose the respect of a woman.

It's a daily event in my life.

You'll find that gaining back the respect may not be as difficult as it

seem. Now, how long has each of you been married?

29 years.

Ah, and you?

34 years.

No, it's too late.

See, I knew you didn't know what you were talking about. Now, Mr. J, I'm as

as gone, but I need one favor, you see. A friend of mine has loaned me his cabin

up in the Catskill Mountains.

You know, fresh air, little animals, and all that serenity.

I was wondering if you might pick up my mail for a couple of days.

Hey, wait a second. You know something?

I just figured out a way to get our wise respect back.

By picking up Bentley's mail.

No.

By going to the mountain.

How do you think Wheezy and Helen would feel if we went hunting for bear?

Like widows, George.

Oh, come on.

There's no woman that doesn't appreciate the hunt.

Well, I don't know. I...

I've just never been hunting before.

It's no big thing. We just go up there in the mountains, right? We have the

cabin for the two of us. Mr. J., my friend loads me the cabin.

Oh, well, you can come with us.

Just stay out of the way.

When it's all settled, men, we're going hunting for bear.

Oh, this is absolutely smashing.

Yeah, this is really living, huh?

Yeah. I can't wait to kill some.

Here we are.

Well, boy, this is great, huh?

Hey. But, George, listen, do you think we're doing the right thing? I mean,

Helen and Louise weren't that thrilled about our coming up here. Come on,

Willis. Women always say the opposite of what they mean.

Oh, you think so?

Right. When you married Helen, didn't she say, I do?

Yeah. Well, has she done anything?

I can't imagine.

Now, we all know all the way up here, right?

Came up here to bag a few bears, drink a few beers, and get the hell out of

here.

George, listen to me. Couldn't we take a hunting lesson first? I mean, I'm sure

there's a local college.

They gave us licenses, didn't they? Yeah.

Mr. J., I think it might be a tad more complicated than that. To succeed at

hunting, you've got to know your prey.

Well, still to know. We got guns. The bears don't.

Despite that example of airtight logic, it says in here that a bear can weigh up

to 1 ,500 pounds, can stand over 10 feet tall, and can decapitate a human being

with one swipe.

Hey, men, I've got a great idea. Why don't we just sit here in front of the

and tell ghost stories?

Now, this is interesting. It says that certain Indian tribes of Alaska have

nicknamed the Kodiak bear Takamukhnuk.

Big deal. What's that mean? The disemboweler.

Oh, shoot. I just thought of something.

Bears are an endangered species.

Are you sure?

No, but if we go out there and kill them all, they will be.

What else is in that book, Bentley? What else can we shoot? Oh, I know what we

can shoot. We're in the Catskills. We can shoot a stand -up comic.

Did I ever tell you the story about the... Several times, Willis. You only

one joke.

Mr. J., I would think your next best bet would be a deer.

Well, do they weigh almost 1 ,500 pounds?

Oh, no.

Well, do they have teeth that can gnaw you and claws that can rip you to

Oh, no.

And to anticipate your next question, they do not disembowel. Well, I'll go

the deer.

Oh, yeah, well, let's go hunt up some deer then. Come on. Yeah.

Hey, but wait a minute. Are we going to eat first? Well, let's come on.

Bring him in here, George.

Okay, now, careful.

Watch it.

All right, Mr. Bentley, you're right here in the cabin.

I remember now. It's coming back.

I was standing behind a deer crossing sign answering nature's call when

I heard a shot. Mr. Willis!

It's okay, Bentley. You just fainted. You lucky Willis has a lousy aim.

I'm sorry, Mr. Bentley. I thought you were a moose.

A common mistake, Mr. Willis. Well, anyway, while you were conked out, the

ranger came by and gave you this.

A ticket? What for?

Defacing a tree.

I'll tell you another thing. We'll have to find another place to go because the

ranger told me it's not deer season.

That's perfect because I have a wonderful idea of how we can prove to

that we're men.

Now, we leave here immediately and return to New York. And then we allow

wives to watch us shave.

Willard, our wives are the reason we're out here. Now, all we got to do is kill

something and they'll worship us.

Oh, George, I don't know whether I want to kill anything. I mean, after all, I

didn't give these animals life. Who am I to take it away?

Take that, you filthy little bloodsucker.

Anyway, Bentley, what are we going to kill?

Well, Mr. J, I don't know if this is what you had in mind, but just before I

blacked out, I noticed there were lots of rabbits in the area.

Rabbits? They're not fierce.

No, but what they lack in porosity, they make up in libido.

They're about the best you can do up here, Mr. J.

Okay, well, if rabbits is it, let's go hunt some rabbits then. We'll make sure

we get some big ones, all right?

Hey, wait a minute.

Bentley, what does it say in that book about rabbits?

Well, it says they're easily domesticated, they make wonderful pets,

harmless to humans.

Oh, Mr. Human, let's go blast them.

Now, this is the way I like to hunt.

The animals come to us. We don't have to go to them.

Mr. J, this is all the lettuce we've got. I was going to make a salad

You know, George, I'm not sure how many rabbits are going to fit into the car.

Well, Willis, don't worry about it. We'll just sort of spread them out over

hood and keep the rest of them in your lap.

Bentley, we'll take turns on the string, okay?

First it's your turn, then it's my turn, then it's your turn again.

George, what do you want me to do?

You can answer the telephones, Will.

Well, there isn't any phone.

Oh, that's great. Then you won't have a chance to mess up nothing, right?

Look, look.

Something's moving in the bushes.

Is it a rabbit?

Up in the tree?

I don't think so.

Its ears are a little short.

No, dummy, that's a squirrel. The rabbit's on the ground.

Oh, that!

What's he doing now?

Oh, that's not fair. Nobody's giving him a ticket.

Oh, he's sniffing the bait.

Careful, Bentley.

You know my marriage is riding on this.

It's unbelievable.

Yeah, the tension, right?

Know that anybody's marriage could be riding on this.

Easy, Bentley. He's in the box.

Okay, Bentley, quit now.

to hunt rabbits, and the rabbit's in the box, and now it's Miller time.

Wait a minute, George.

Now, we've got a problem.

What?

He's not dead yet.

Well, let's get our guns and splatter him.

Oh, oh, Mr. J., I'm afraid.

Finally, what is this? Only a rabbit? No, not the rabbit. Mr. Willis' gun.

Just lift up the box.

Oh.

Okay, rabbit.

Eat lead.

You think you're pretty...

cute and furry, don't you?

Wiggling your nose is not going to get you out of this.

George, you've got to admit, he's pretty adorable.

Remember Thumper?

Yes.

And Bambi.

And Bambi's mother.

Come on, let's face it, Willis. We can't kill nothing.

Get out of here, Raddick. Come on, come on. Go ahead, go ahead. So long, little

fellow.

Well, gentlemen, we've failed. Now, George, what do you think our wives are

going to say?

Well, I know two words they're going to say. Ben Carter.

Oh, Ben Carter. I'm so sick of him. Ben Carter this, Ben Carter that.

And those cheap stories of his.

I'd just like to tell him once to go stop it.

Hey, wait a second. I just got an idea. Let's go pack up our things and then

start home.

Well, wait a minute. Aren't we going to eat first? Come on.

Tell me, Reese, you should have been there, boy. We were surrounded by every

wild animal in the woods, right, Willis?

Hey, how about that herd of moose that came crashing through the cabin?

Man, I'll never forget it.

Hey, listen, George, where did you bury the third one? Oh, right back.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, isn't that awful?

By the way, where is Mr. Bentley?

Is he okay?

Sure he's okay. He stayed up at the cabin. He's cleaning up.

Like all the blood and antlers and stuff.

Well, it all sounds exciting, but I've got to admit, I really don't understand

this hunting for sport.

I certainly wouldn't want to do it. You're not supposed to. That's for men.

Brave, strong men like me.

That must be the taxidermist.

Already, George?

Can animals be stuffed this fast?

Well, it depends on your relationship with the dermis.

Hey, can I live here for George Jefferson?

If you mean George Fear -Nothing -Infer -Jefferson, you got the right guy. Come

on in.

I'll bag this baby.

Bag it? How?

Well, I had to, Weas.

Willis was busy bagging that baby over there.

over the bed, baby.

I mean, if that's all right with you, dear.

A tiger!

Oh, yeah, I'll pop this one, too.

Now, the guy at the general store said this is the first tiger shot in the

Catskills in over 15 years.

Real careful, like when they leap out of the water.

That's right.

We had two of them. We had one for breakfast.

Yeah, you know, there's nothing like starting the morning off with a couple

scrambled eggs, a pan -fried marlin, and a good cup of joe.

It must have been quite a pan.

Hey, look, guys, can I speak to you a minute? Technical business.

Look, uh, where did the tiger and marlin come from?

The tiger came from India, and the marlin came from Mexico. I knew that!

I mean, I didn't order that.

Order?

That's Hunter's language for kill weaves.

I'm sorry. You're right. The tiger goes to Mr. Jeff Reed in Brooklyn.

See? Trying to make a lie out of it.

George, ask them about the Marlin.

Oh, well, uh, Mr. Jefferson ordered the weekend special.

Rent two, get one free.

Please, I killed the weekend special.

Thank you. See you later.

Uh, George.

Hey, Smokey.

Gave the ones quite a scare, you know that?

Yeah, we... Uh, you two didn't really shoot any animals, did you? Of course we

did. You think they were born that way?

Tom.

Dear.

What did you do out in the wood, Tom?

Um, Mr.

Bentley got a ticket.

But I didn't.

What else didn't you do, Tom?

Well, there was a lot of shooting up there. It was really something. Oh, you

should have been there.

Tom!

We were men, Helen.

Look me in the eyes and tell me that you killed that bear.

All right.

We rented them, Helen.

Oh, God!

Wait a minute. If we rented these, where are the ones that we killed?

Oh, George, for crying out loud, it's over. They know.

That's because of you and your big mouth. Now, wait a minute now.

We don't know everything.

We don't know why you two would want to tell us this lie.

Well, because you and Helen always talk about this Ben Carter, how adventurous

he is, how brave he is. Hold it.

Do you mean to tell me you went on this hunting trip because you were jealous of

Ben Carter?

Well, we used you to show no interest in my shirt puffer.

George.

You don't have to compete with Ben.

He's a certain type of man, and you're another type.

My type.

And

I

feel the same way about you, Tom.

There's no other person on this earth like you.

Oh, Helen, I was so frightened up there.

Now,

what

in the world are we going to do with these?

Well, everything is paid for. I'm keeping mine.

Don't tell nobody about what happened, okay? If they ask you what happened,

tell them I shot the bear, you shot the deer.

The Marlin followed us home.

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