Original subtitles

- Bleedin' wogs! - All right.

Chinese!

- They've taken the world over. - They were Japanese, pater.

Same thing. They've all got them slitty eyes.

Tourists bring money into the country.

They shouldn't be taking pictures.

They go around, snap, snap, snap! Go back to Tokyo.

- Oh, Gawd! - I've seen it, son.

That marriage didn't last very long.

Can't you keep your vicious cakehole shut for five minutes?

I knew it was a mistake, right from the start.

I don't know why you wanted to get tied up with that dodgy bird.

When we get home, I'll ram your lips under the sewing machine!

Blanket stitch!

Oh, Gawd! Another two quid. File it.

Pull up a bit.

Come on, then.

Go on, then.

Have one?

No, thank you very much. Phew!

You've got some disgusting habits, you really have.

Not as bad as some of yours that came out in the Divorce Court.

Dirty little swine.

Making love with the lights on is not considered a sexual deviation

these days.

- I never did it. - I don't blame you.

You wouldn't have got nothing.

I had my share, mate, don't you worry. Your mother never complained.

Keep a woman satisfied and she don't wander very far.

Zita was kept well satisfied, thank you.

Yeah, by who?

Whoa! Whoa!

Listen, one more remark like that and you'll go under the next bus.

She only left me because of you!

- Me? - Yeah, you.

You never liked her. You tried to break it up from the word go.

Frightened of being left on your own.

Couldn't stand me being happy.

Piss off!

I'm so sorry.

Doomed from the start it was, I told you so.

You was too good for her, that was the trouble.

Different class.

- What do you mean? - Common, she was.

Cor blimey! We ain't exactly a couple of Jeremy Thorpes.

That's not the point.

You can be poor without being common. She was common.

She was no good, Harold. I curse the day you met her.

Everything was all right up to then.

That was the day everything started to go wrong.

Whoa, whoa!

Ow!

I can't hear a word you're saying!

You clumsy great pillock!

I might have put me elbow out of joint.

I'll put your bloody nose out of joint in a minute!

Look at my washing. Filthy! I wanted that shirt clean for tonight.

Why? Where are you going?

- Out! - Out?

- Out? I'll come with you. - Yeah?

No, you wouldn't be interested.

I dunno.

- No, you're past it. - Past it?

Where are you going?

Down the football club.

Eh, what do I want to go down to the football club for?

Bleedin' awful team. I wouldn't go down thereā€¦

- There's a stag night on tonight. - If you...

- Stag night? - Fundraising. You know, the usual.

Comic, compĆØre, couple of strippers and a poofy old drag act.

- You wouldn't be interested. - Strippers?

Yeah.

Not your cup of tea.

Maybe I mightn't mind going down with you. Just to keep you company.

I wouldn't want you to be bored.

I won't be bored.

I likeā€¦ comics.

I like a bit of a laugh.

So you'd like to go then?

Just to see what it's like.

I could be doing with a night out.

Gets very lonely, in 'ere all day on my own.

- Well, I'd better go and get ready. - Oi!

It don't start for three hours.

We don't want to be late, do we?

Want to get up front, not miss anything.

I hope they're not skinny birds. I hate skinny birds.

I like big thighs. Great big walnut crushers! Cor!

I'm beginning to wish I hadn't mentioned it.

He'll be in an intensive care unit before the night is out.

Intercepted by him.

Come on, lads. Play on.

That's it, that's it! That's moving, that's moving.

- Can I use that after you? - I beg your pardon?

- I want a bath. - A bath?

I didn't know it was the Queen's birthday.

I want to look nice for tonight. Come on. Let's get in after you.

Certainly not!

Bathing in other people's water? Ew, that is disgusting.

You're not dirty. You're always washing. Look!

- You can see the bottom. - No!

And we won't have time to fill it up again, we'll be late!

You'll just have to use the kitchen, won't you?

- Give us the scrubbing brush, then. - No, I'm using it.

You can use the hammer and chisel.

First time charging. Oh!

A beautiful bit of timing by Sheldon.

Gonna miss it, gonna miss it, gonna miss itā€¦

I will ask you now

to attempt the classical lotus posture,

and I think the best way to begin

is if you stretch your legs straight out.

All right?

ā™Ŗ Kingdoms may come Kingdoms may go ā™Ŗ

ā™Ŗ Old Father Thames keeps rolling along ā™Ŗ

ā™Ŗ Down to the mightyā€¦ sea ā™Ŗ

Evening, Mrs. Hobbs.

ā™Ŗ Down to the mighty sea ā™Ŗ

ā™Ŗ Kingdoms mayā€¦ ā™Ŗ

Do you mind? That is for washing plates.

Come on, hurry up. We ain't got all night.

You rotten littleā€¦ Ah!

- It's cold! - How can it be?

You've only lost one layer of dirt.

Get dressed.

Harold, where's the towel?

- It's wet. - How am I going to dry myself, then?

Use your handkerchief.

Harold!

He's got them.

Tonight's the night, eh?

Grab those two over there.

- Shut up! - I can't see anything back here!

Excuse me, guv. Do you mind moving up a bit? Ta.

- Go on. - Ehā€¦

Here, these seats are no good. I can't see.

You'll just have to jump up and down, won't you?

- Here, I can't see. - Hard luck.

You should have come earlier, Dad.

Swap seats. I'm an old-age pensioner.

You shouldn't be here, you dirty old devil.

Eh! Anybody'd think you'd never seen a bit of crumpet.

Oi! I'll look after him.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Good evening, gentlemen!

Good evening!

Before we go any furtherā€¦

How about some drinks? I'll have a pint of bitter.

It's just starting.

You don't want go when the crumpet's on.

You've got a point.

- Any Scottish people in tonight? - Yeah!

Who paid for your ticket?

Listen, there's two geese flying up the M1.

As they're flying up there...

What's the matter? Something wrong with your back?

That's good. That's very good.

Don't forget to shake it, will you?

Listen, fellas.

So these two geese are flying up the M1

and a jumbo jet goes over the top of 'em.

And one goose said to the other, "Harry." Because he knew him.

He said, "Harry, I wish I could fly like that."

He said, "You would if you had four bums on fire."

Half a bitter and a vodka martini, please.

- Any olives? - Any particular color?

- I only asked. - Bleeding jokers.

Hello.

Hello.

Are youā€¦ in the show?

- I'm not one of the football team, am I? - Huh?

You couldn't do any worse this season.

Thirty-six, please.

Yes, miss?

- A gin and tonic and... - Do let me get this.

- I'm getting one for my friend as well. - What's she having?

A bottle of Guiness.

A large gin and tonic and a bottle of Guiness, please.

- Very kind of you. - 'Tis my pleasure.

It's very nice of you to come down 'ere and entertain us.

I'm getting paid, you know.

Oh, yeah. Yes, of course.

Seventy-nine, altogether.

Thank you.

- Thank you very much. - Not at all.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

- Where are you sitting? - Out there.

I guessed that, but where?

Oh! At the back, unfortunately. On the right.

On the right. Cheers.

Gawd help us!

Cheers.

Twenty-one change.

- Oi, your change. - Oh.

That's a nice girl, ain't she?

- A scrubber. - Pardon?

They're all scrubbers, ain't they?

Oh, yeah. Definitely. Definitely.

This girl went to the doctor.

She said, "I got a funny gurgling in my tummy."

So he examined her.

You've got Hush-Puppies on, mate.

You can tell, 'cause one's weed over the other one.

Where have you been? I was going to send out a search party.

I still can't see. They'll be on in a minute.

I've paid and I'm entitled to see the crumpet.

I've just met a piece of it.

Did you? Did she have any clothes on?

She's a very nice girl. I think she fancied me.

Get out of it! You don't think they'd pick up in a place like this.

Geezers with money, that's what they want.

Or girls!

We're about to introduce the first of our two neurotic dancers.

I beg your pardon. Exotic dancers.

Here with the piĆØce de rĆ©sistance, namely the crumpet voluntary,

give her a nice big hand, the very beautiful Zita!

Where is she?

Cor! Look at that.

Here, Harold, you're missing it.

Come on, get up here.

Get down! Don't be disgusting.

Get 'em off!

- Get down! - Please don't.

Come on. Hold tight. What's the matter? Get up, behave yourself.

Me glasses! Where's me glasses?

Will you get out of it?

- What's that? - Nothing. Just a note.

Where d'you get it?

Cor blimey! You've got a bigger nose than Cyrano de Bergerac.

Who's it from? What's it say?

If you must know,

the stripper requests the pleasure of my company for a drink afterwards.

- Get out of it! - Please yourself.

- You mean you've pulled her? - Looks like it, don't it?

It's not often you're right, and you're wrong again.

- Yeahā€¦ - Go on. Ta-ra. See you later.

She's not here, is she?

She's blown you out.

I knew she would.

God almighty! Do you have to follow me everywhere I go?

Can't I be alone for five minutes? Every time I look, you're there.

You're worse than a fly on a cow's asshole.

It's a public bar. I can come here if I like.

Get up that end, then.

- I don't want to. - I'll go, you stay down here.

Yeahā€¦

She's not coming, anyway.

She's been taking the mickey.

Hello.

Hello.

- Can I get you anything? - A gin and tonic, please.

Steward,

one large gin and tonic and a vodka martini.

Oi!

- And half a bitter for him. - There's always one, isn't there?

That's my father.

I'm sorry, I didn't realize.

Bears no resemblance to you.

Thank God for that. I take after my mother.

She was a very lovely woman.

Not that I'm suggesting I inherited her looks.

I wouldn't want you to think I'm vain.

Most times, I don't look much at all.

I think you're a very attractive man.

Do you?

Beautiful eyes.

Well, yeah. Of course, that's...

- Do you mind if I smoke? - Not at all.

Oh, I do apologize. Would you care for one?

No, thanks. I'm trying to give up.

So am I. It is a filthy habit.

I think you're the most attractive man here.

Well, I wouldn't say that.

One or two other good-looking boys here.

You probably couldn't see with the lights and that.

The center half's a very good-looking fella.

Not for me.

It's funny with me.

I know as soon as I walk into a room who it is.

Who it is?

For me.

Can I get you another drink?

I haven't had the first one yet.

Here you are.

Ta.

How long have you beenā€¦

Taking my clothes off in public?

I wouldn't put it that way.

They all ask that. "How long? What for? Do you enjoy it?"

You must hate it. All those men looking at you.

No, I love it, actually.

It gives you a great sense of power.

If you've got a nice body, why not show it?

Well, quite.

Did you like my body?

Yes.

Yes I did, actually.

I thought you had aā€¦ nice shape.

- Hello, Zita. - Hello, Arthur.

I'll have a quick one before I go on.

A bevvy, that is.

Right, dear, I can take a hint.

- Yes, sir? - A small sherry, please, darling.

I've only got Bristol Cream.

What am I supposed to do with that? Drink it or rub it in?

- Would you care for a stool, miss? - Thank you very much, love.

This bloody girdle's killing me.

- Here we are, darling. - No, I'll do that.

I mean that.

- Aren't you watching the show? - I have been.

Hey, how about coming here and having a drink with me after?

That's very kind of you. Yes, I'd love to.

Cheers!

- Can I get you another drink? - No.

I'd like to go now.

Perhaps I may see you again sometime.

Aren't you going to take me home?

Yes, of course. I'll just check with my dad.

Otherwise he might lock up and I won't be able to get in.

It's not so much that he locks me out as he locks himself in.

It's not that I can't stay out if I want to, butā€¦

Come on. Let's ask your dad.

I'll see you later, cheeky.

All right, then.

- Dad, I... - I just pulled her, mate.

The other one. We're having a drink together after.

- The one who was just... - I think she fancies me.

- But that wasn't... - Oh, yes. Congratulations!

You have done well there, Dad.

I'm just taking Zita home. I might be a bit late.

You carry on. Don't worry about me, I'll be all right.

Don't lock me out.

Nah, don't you worry.

I might be late myself.

- Here. You'd better take the key. - Yeah.

Goodnight.

It's a shame.

Serves him right, the dirty old man!

- Catch! - Ta.

The lark's on the wing, the morning's dew-pearled.

Old God's in His Heaven, all's well with the world!

Oops!

Ow! What's that? Who's there? Get out!

It's you, thank Gawd.

Where the hell have you been?

You know very well.

- What? Until this time? - Yeah.

What's it got to do with you?

If you want to be out all night, find your own place.

If I had that, I wouldn't be out all night.

I've been waiting since one o'clock in the morning!

- You could have waited inside. - I couldn't get in.

You've got the key.

Oh, put your teeth in and get the breakfast on.

You dirty old man!

The horse has got to drink out of that!

If that horse's teeth start falling out, I'm holding you responsible!

How did you get on with that girl last night?

- It wasn't a bleeding girl, was it? - Not a girl? Not really?

You knew bloody well it wasn't. It was a fella!

No! You are joking!

Oh, dear! What a surprise!

My dad going out to dinner with a transvestite.

You're not turning ginger, are you? You'll be kicked out of the Tory party.

- Yeahā€¦ - I dunno, though.

Yeahā€¦

At least you had a good night's sleep.

Bleeding birds have got the cream again.

- Anything in the paper? - No, nothing.

- There must be something. - Oh, Gawd!

Edward Heath marries Ella Fitzgerald.

Liar!

Enoch Powell best man!

Liar! Show me.

At a ceremony performed by the Archbishop of Canterbury,

the Rt Hon Edward Heath married American jazz singer Ella Fitzgerald.

Where?

The matching couple wore diamantĆ© trouser suitsā€¦

- That got you going, didn't it? - Haha!

You're in a good mood this morning.

Making little jokes.

Singing!

I must say I am reasonably content with the world.

Yeahā€¦

It's good to be alive.

Dad! Oh, what a bird, Dad.

Yeah, I must admit she wasn't bad-looking.

Better than the usual scrubbers you get landed with.

I didn't know you had it in you, pulling a bird like that.

It was a fatal attraction on both our parts, Dad.

There was nothing she could do about it, nor could I.

It was chemistry, Dad. Our chemicals mixed.

I wonder who she'll be mixing her chemicals with tonight?

That's where you're wrong, 'cause I'll be in the driving seat again tonight.

I'm picking her up at eleven o'clock.

No!

She's in love with me, Dad. She thinks the sun shines out of my earholes.

I'm very pleased for you, son.

It'll do you good. Keep it going as long as you can.

I intend to. We're engaged.

Eh?

We're engaged. To be married.

You bloody fool.

What's wrong with getting married?

Nothing, to a decent girl, but not one like her.

- She's a stripper! - So what?

They're not for marrying, they're for looking at.

Come on, you said yourself, "Keep it going as long as you can."

I didn't mean marry her, I meant give her one now and again.

Have a bit on the side. I don't mind that.

I don't want her as a bit on the side.

I'm going to marry her. In church. Properly.

- Over my dead body. - If necessary.

The vicar will be a bit confused, but that's up to him.

I love her, Dad!

For Gawd's sake! Grow up.

You shouldn't be allowed out.

You meet a bird, she undoes her bra,

waggles her bristols at you and you're in love.

Yes, in love!

So you can get stuffed, for a start.

Harold!

Harold, sonā€¦

Be sensible.

I know you've always wanted to get married,

but you mustn't rush into it.

Rush into it? I'm 39!

Exactly. The dangerous age.

Lonely. Vulnerable.

Ready to fall for the first old slag that fancies you.

Father, I would prefer it if you would not refer to my fiancƩe as an old slag.

She's a very lovely girl.

But you don't know her.

How can you be sure you're in love with her,

when you only met her last night?

Was it only last night? It seems like a lifetime.

Oh, my God.

How long did Romeo know Juliet?

I don't care about other people. I only care about you.

Harold!

Harold, you were flattered.

Young bird like her, old bloke like you. Over the hump.

Thank you very much.

I've seen it all before.

Dad, it was real.

We talked, right until the morning,

and we realized that we were both lonely people

and until we met, our lives were completely empty.

Harold, I'm only thinking of you.

What's gonna happen to me?

You didn't think about me for long. It's all you're worried about, innit?

I'm not going into an old people's home.

I'll kill myself first.

Don't worry. No one's going to make you go into a home.

You can stay here with us.

Here? You're not bringing her round here.

I'm not having that.

You got three choices.

You can stay with us,

go into a home or kill yourself.

You callous little bleeder!

Well, you make me sick!

You ought to be grateful she's prepared to take you on.

So you discussed it, then.

Of course. It's the first thing I told her.

We come as a pair, like bookends.

Dante and Isolda.

Morecambe andā€¦

Love me, love my dad.

How it's always been, innit?

Wellā€¦

She don't seem the sort of bird that'll be happy looking after me.

Only a bleedin' nun would be happy doing that, and they don't get married.

Bleeding limousine.

Why do you want to be in a limousine for?

Dad! Dad!

Hurry up, the car's here!

Tell it to wait.

You're doing this deliberately, aren't you?

I can't do up my collar stud.

Ow! You're hurting me!

Three hours you have taken to get ready.

You're deliberately trying to make me late, aren't you?

You might thank me one day. Oww!

If you're not ready in two minutes, we'll go without you.

Your phone's ringing.

- Hello? - Harold, is that you?

- Hello, Mother. - Don't you "mother" me.

Mrs. Smith, then.

What do you think we're doing in the churchā€¦

- Yes, we're just leaving. - ā€¦Hours and hoursā€¦

- We're on our way! - You're late.

- Yes, I know I'm late, butā€¦ - I don't know what to say to youā€¦

Really, come onā€¦

The quicker I get off the phone, the quicker I'll get there!

- Don't you be so rude to meā€¦ - I'm sorry. Didn't mean to sound rude.

- Your father called me a silly bitch! - He called you a what?

- A silly bitch! - Oh, pleaseā€¦

I'm terribly sorry, but you mustn't take any notice of him.

- He's just a little bit senile. - Senile? What do you mean?

- We're just leaving. - You mean my daughter is marryingā€¦

- See you in church. - ā€¦Into a family that's senile?

- Give my love to Zita. - Give your love to Zita?

- Mrs. Smith, please don't cry. - My daughter's marryingā€¦

Look... Shh. Just...

My mother in law.

I've got another wedding at half past two.

You wouldn't rather go there, would you?

Look, you!

Just go and get the motor running. I'll go and get my dad.

That was Mrs. Smith on the phone. Would you get out!

I'm sorry, Harold. You'll have to go without me.

- What is it now? - I can't do up me cuff links.

Put 'em on in the car!

Have you got the ring?

Have you washed your neck? You haven't shaved! It's too late now.

- I told you to put in a clean hanky. - Yeahā€¦

- What was that? - What?

- Just then? - When?

I took your handkerchief out of your pocket

and something flew out the window.

- Oh, dear. - What?

It must have been the ring.

Where are you?

- I'll kill you. I hope you realize that. - Your phone's ringing.

Let the bleeding thing ring!

Hang on, I think I've found it.

Where? Where?

Here, here it is.

Does that look the sort of thing I would put upon my wife's finger?

- That's a brass tap washer. - It'll do.

She wouldn't have noticed the difference. It's dark in them churches.

Hang on. When the ring landed, did you hear a noise?

Come to think of itā€¦ no, I didn't.

It must have fallen in something soft.

All right. There's the window.

Now, follow the trajectory through. What is soft?

- Go on. - Go on.

Again.

Just like gold mining, isn't it?

Yes! Yes! Hang on! Hang on! I've found it! I've found it!

Go on! Go on!

Don't stop for nothing!

Hurry! Hurry! Faster! Faster!

- Hey, mind the door! - Hi, Mrs. Smith!

Phwoar!

Now I know what they mean by high church.

- I give it six months. - Shut your face.

I see we're having hymn number 389,

"Fight the Good Fight." Very apt.

One more word and the first thing we'll have here is extreme unction.

Oh, well, I'm finished. I've done all I can.

It's up to you now. I'll say no more.

Thank you, God.

She's not here yet, is she?

She's changed her mind.

- She's blown you out! - Shh!

Mr. Steptoe, the bride has just arrived.

Perhaps you and your best man would take your positions

over here, please.

- Here we go, into the valley of death. - This is God's house.

Aren't you frightened of being struck by lightning?

It's a wonder she's not taking her clothes off.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here together in the sight of God

and in the face of this congregation

to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony,

into which holy estate these two persons now come to be joined.

Champagne! Champagne!

Champagne with the compliments of the hotel. Welcome!

Welcome to my hotel!

- Ladies and gentlemen. - OlƩ!

On behalf of Packwell Honeymoon Tours, welcome to the Miramar Hotel,

which, as you can see, is nearly finished, in the Costa Brava, Spain.

In case some of you don't know where you are.

If you drink your champagne quickly,

hand in your passports, you can sign in later,

pick up your keys, identify your baggage,

you can all go up to your rooms and change.

Clothes, not partners.

Last but not least, I hope you all have a wonderful honeymoon.

Welcome to the Hotel Miramar.

Are those your bags over there?

Oh, yes.

Come on, hurry up.

Leave off. It was your fault we missed the bus.

We wouldn't have, if you hadn't shouted "Gibraltar is British!",

as we got off at the airport.

Half an hour in customs trying to explain in Spanish that you was loco. Molto loco.

We should have gone to Bognor, they speak English there.

Never satisfied, are you?

You haven't stopped moaning since we left the airport.

- Nobody else brought their father. - I knew I wouldn't like it here.

- It's too hot! - Take your overcoat off, then!

And that silly hat!

Zita?

- Hello, Terry. - Hello, Zita. What brought you here?

- I have. - This is my husband, Harold.

- How do you do. - You're a very lucky man.

I never thought anybody would trap Zita.

He must have something we haven't got.

Sir, what party are you with?

- I'm with him. - He's my father.

On your honeymoon? Do forgive me, sir.

Welcome to Spain.

If you're feeling lonely, there are lots of things for you to do.

While the happy couple are on their own.

If you'll forgive me, I'll see you later.

- Who is that? - Just a fellow I used to know.

- I could see that. - I used to work with him, he's a comic.

He didn't make me laugh.

He must have turned it in and taken up this job.

Good-looking boy, isn't he?

He's all right, if you like that sort of thing.

Let's sign in, I must have a wash.

You wanna watch him, mate.

You turn your back and he'll be in there, like a ferret down a rabbit hole.

Don't be disgusting.

Please, sir. This way.

SeƱora, seƱor.

And you are this way, please.

We should have gone to Bognor.

Bleeding waste of money coming all this way.

I'm not going to like it.

It's too hot. I'm sweating already.

- SeƱor? - Oh.

Gracias.

- SeƱor? - Oh, theā€¦

- Sƭ, seƱor. - Door-o.

SeƱor?

Gracias, seƱor.

SeƱor, the door?

Gracias. Gracias.

Here, this is handy, isn't it?

Come on, hurry up. I'm hungry.

- Come in. - Come in.

Sod this for a lark. Come on, Fido.

Yeah.

Goodness me, I'm tired.

I think I'll turn in.

You can't get any more out of it.

There's more meat in the claws.

"There's more meat in the claws.

Mustn't waste it." Come on.

All the others went up hours ago.

Half of them never come down.

I'm going.

No! You can't leave me here with this lot.

I can't even speak the lingo.

- Hurry up, then! - I haven't had me pudding yet.

Neither have I, mate.

- Sorry, dear. You go on up. - All right.

- Don't be long. - I won't.

Goodnight, Father.

Sleep well.

Ew.

Very nice.

Very good four quid's worth, that was.

I haven't had lobster since the Fourteen-Eighteen War.

You could have had steak and chips.

No, I'm on holiday.

You can get steak and chips at home.

Finished now, have you? Good. Come on, we'll go up.

You fancy a walk round the town?

No, I don't.

Bit early to go to bed, ain't it?

Not for me!

All right.

I suppose I can just have a bit of a read.

Thank Gawd for that. Come on.

- Muchas gracias. - Buenas noches, seƱor.

- I can't see. - Then feel!

I am feeling.

- What was that? - I dunno, I can't see.

Oh, God!

Goodnight, Dad.

Look, son.

I know I should have told you this before,

I know I've left it a bit late.

About 25 years, to be precise. Goodnight.

Have you got everything?

Everything I need. Thank you.

Well, good luck, son.

Thank you.

Aah!

I'm blinded! Oh!

I'm blinded! Oh!

Oh!

- Hi. - Hello.

Do you realize this is the first time we've been alone since we married?

Yes, I know. I'm sorry.

It's not your fault.

It puts me off knowing there's only three inches of wall between him and us.

I'll make it up to you.

Come on, then.

Oh, God! what's happened?

- Perhaps he's killed himself. - I could never be that lucky.

Harold!

Excuse me, I'd better go and see what's wrong.

Oh!

Dad? Dad, are you all right?

Help me! Oh!

I'm dying!

Dad, what is it? What's wrong?

Harold, help.

Fetch a doctor. Fetch a doctor. I'm ill.

I'm in agony. I'm dying.

- Where does it hurt. - The guts. They're on fire.

Hang on, Dad. Try not to move. I'll get help.

What's wrong with him now?

- He's sick. - So am I.

Seriously. He's not kidding. He's ill. Look, he's gone green.

Oh!

Help me!

He's got a fever.

I'm dying. Help me.

- Harold, ring a doctor. - Right.

Hello? Hello!

Hello? Habla inglƩs?

MĆ©dico, yeah. Not Mexico!

Medic. Oh, thank God.

A doctor. Yeah, Room 57, quickly.

So help me, if you're having me on,

tomorrow there will be a corner of a foreign field

that is forever England.

Don't worry, love. He'll be all right.

Yeah, but...

- Doctor? - Yes?

- How is he? - Resting. I gave him an injection.

- What's wrong with him? - Food poisoning.

Food poisoning?

Food poisoning.

Harold?

I'm here, Dad.

You're going to be all right.

I want to go home.

We've only just got here, Dad.

I want to go home.

I don't want to die over here.

You're not going to die, Dad.

Please, Harold. Take me home.

I'm on my honeymoon, Dad.

You're going to be all right in a couple of days.

The doctor says so.

Don't trust them wog doctors.

Don't know what they're doing, wogs.

I want to see me own doctor.

But your doctor's a Pakistani.

Well, he counts as British.

Look, Dad, they've done all they can.

Got needles like telegraph poles.

I want to go home.

Dad, it's the height of the season.

You can't just get tickets like that.

I don't like it here.

I want to go home.

I'm frightened!

I want to go home, Harold. Now. Tonight!

All right. Calm down.

Don't get excited.

I'll see what I can do.

- Promise? - I promise.

Come on.

Try and get some rest.

It wasn't easy, but I managed it. Two seats on the next plane to London.

That is good of you. Two?

- It's all we've got, we're full up. - There's three of us.

Sorry, it's the best I can do. Two blokes were killed in a car crash.

Look, couldn't you squeeze another one in?

Sorry, sir.

- He's little, can't he sit on my lap? - Don't be silly, sir.

Can't you put him in the lavatory? He'll spend the flight in there anyway.

- I'd like to help, but it's impossible. - When will there be a seat?

I don't know. Maybe tomorrow or the end of the week.

We'll put you on the first available flight.

I'll get you cleared through.

Dad, couldn't you wait until we can all go back together?

Ehhā€¦

Come on, make up your mind. What are we doing, going or staying?

Aahā€¦

Look, he said there might be a seat tomorrow.

That's not too bad, is it?

It's a nice hotel. You've got money.

You won't be stuck here forever.

Right. That's all I wanted to know.

What else can I do?

- You'll be all right, won't you? - Don't worry about me.

Come along, sir. You don't want to miss it, do you?

This is the final call for passengers on flightā€¦

I love you.

- I'll see you when I see you. - Rightā€¦

- Go on! - Come on, sir. If you please.

Ow! You bloody great pillock!

Have a good trip!

And don't worry, squire.

I'll look after her.

Oww!

What do you think you're doing? Haroldā€¦

Harold! Help me, I'm going to be sick.

Oh, get me out of here!

Get me to bed! Oh, God!

Afternoon post's late, innit?

Eh?

I said, "The afternoon post is late, isn't it?"

You're not expecting to hear anything, are you?

Of course I am.

Ehhā€¦

One postcard you've had from her in ten days, and that was over a week ago.

She's blown you out, mate. She's not coming back.

Of course she's coming back. She's just having trouble getting a plane.

She could have walked home by now.

It's very difficult to get flights this time of the year!

The man said so.

He didn't have any trouble getting us out.

You won't see her again.

She's on the nest with old oily.

Hasn't taken you long to get better, has it?

Nah.

- Post? It's the post! - Hey!

Nah!

Three postcards and a letter! Ha!

They must have been held up.

Get them in order.

The fourth, the sixth and the eighth.

"My dearest Harold.

How are you?

I'm very well but missing you terribly."

Yeahā€¦

"The weather's marvelous. Still no sign of a plane,

but everybody's been very kind and helpful.

Terry took me to Barcelona yesterday."

Hello!

"And the manager also has been very sweet.

He sent his regards to your father.

How is he, by the way?

I can't wait to see you again, my darling.

Your ever-loving Zita."

Satisfied? That's one up the Khyber for you.

Yeah. "My dearest Harold, still no sign of a plane.

Thank you for your 12-page letter I received yesterday.

Will write soon. Must fly.

I'm going on a day trip to Madrid with Terry and a few others.

Love, Zita."

- "Dear Harold." - What happened to "dearest Harold"?

You can't be lovey-dovey all the time.

No, I suppose not.

Not when you've been married as long as you have.

You vicious little sod.

It wasn't the lobster that poisoned you, it was your own venom.

Get on with it. "Dear Harold."

"Dear Harold, I received another long letter from you yesterday.

Terry sends his regards. Writing to you, Zita."

They're getting shorter, aren't they?

Wellā€¦ she's saving it all up for the letter.

It's all in here, mate.

"Dear Harold, I don't know how to begin writing this letter to you."

No, son. Don't do that. That don't do no good.

Don't you start feeling sorry now.

It's what you've always worked for, innit?

What you've always wanted.

I didn't do anything.

You didn't have to. You were there.

You're always there.

We'd have been all right on our own.

I wasn't there when she ran off with some bloke.

Neither was I, was I?

I was sitting at home, nursing you.

What a laugh.

To be cuckolded at my own expense.

What are you going to do about it?

- What can I do about it? - Go out there and thump her one.

Yes, I can afford to go flying around Europe on my income, can't I?

Take my advice, son. Forget all about her.

We don't need anybody else here. We can manage on our own.

You take my advice.

- Go up to your room. - Yeah?

Lock the door and keep out of my way for the next five years.

That's it.

All right. Go on.

Go on.

Go on!

Why? Why did you have to do it to me?

I'll smash her bleeding face in when I see her.

Good afternoon, I...

Yes?

Good afternoon. I bunged my card through your box yesterday.

Did you? A bit cheeky of you, wasn't it?

Steptoe and Son, scrap metal merchants, rag-and-bone antiques, objets d'art,

furniture, anything, best prices given. We're very competitive.

Darling, the only rags I've got are the ones I'm wearing.

I see. Sorry I bothered you.

Don't go. Why don't you come in? I might find something for you.

I won't bother, thanks.

Wait a minute. Aren't you the bloke that married Zita?

- How did you know? - I was there, wasn't I?

- On the night. - I remember you now. The drag act.

Female impersonator, dear, if you don't mind.

But I'm sorry about you two.

Didn't last long, did it?

Mind you, I know just how you feel.

Mine's broken up as well. Rotten swine, she was.

Do you know, took my record player, the bed linen, my Butch Cassidy poster...

How do you know we'd broken up?

She told me, didn't she?

She told you? When?

I see her every week, don't I?

Took all my Green Shield stamps.

Charge!

Right! Where is he?

Where's who?

What do you mean? Him. That flash bastard you ran off with.

Oh, him. I dunno. I haven't seen him.

You're lying! You're up the duff.

I haven't been eating new bread.

Do you want a cup of tea?

Yeah. Thank you.

- I didn't know. - No reason why you should.

- How d'you find me? - It was Arthur.

The drag act. I met him.

- I'm sorry, Harold. - Yeah?

I didn't want it to happen.

No.

I didn't jump into bed as soon as your plane took off.

- Of course not. - I held out for three days.

Oh, good. I am flattered.

It wouldn't have happened, if you were there.

- Nor if you'd have come home. - I couldn't get a plane.

I'm sure your fellow tried very hard.

Look, you left me on my honeymoon for your father.

- He was very ill. - He would haveā€¦

Oh, Godā€¦ let's not go over all that again.

How many sugars?

Two, please.

Cigarette?

I shouldn't, really. Bad for the baby.

I'm dying for one, actually.

Have one, for God's sake. One won't hurt.

You on your own?

- How long has he been gone? - Since he found out about this.

That's typical, innit?

Take a bloke's wife, put her in the club and away he goes.

- I knew he was a shit the moment... - It isn't his.

Then who theā€¦

Whose is it?

No, it's not mine.

Can't be.

Is it?

- Why didn't you tell me? - I didn't think you'd want to know.

- After what happened. - I'm not like him.

It's mine.

I had a right to know.

You should have told me. You shouldn't be smoking.

- When's it due? - Five weeks.

Last February.

That's right.

I'm going to be a father.

Zita, let's make a fresh start.

Let's give it another try.

It wouldn't work, Harold. You'd chuck it in my face.

No, I promise. I still love you.

What's gone is gone. I can't live in the past.

It's the future that's important.

I'm not a man for bearing grudges.

What you did was diabolical, but it's forgotten now.

Sounds like it.

Let's start again as though nothing's happened.

Come home with me, Zita. For the kid's sake.

I want the kid.

I've never had one before. And I want you.

Are you sure?

I'm sure.

All right, then. We'll give it a try.

Whoa!

Careful, there.

Let me take your weight.

Is that all right?

- He's not going to like this. - It's got nothing to do with him.

You're my wife. If he doesn't like it, he can ponce off out of it.

We'll see.

You talk as if I'm frightened of him or something.

Home.

You'd better wait here.

It's a surprise, that's all.

Dad?

Hello, little Dad.

You're late.

Guess who's coming to stay with us?

Nobody.

You won't say that when you find out who it is.

Close your eyes.

Oh, my God.

You can open them now.

Hello, Mr. Steptoe.

Well, well, well. Look who's here.

See? I knew he'd be pleased.

- Get her out of here! - But I...

I will not have that woman in my house.

- Goodbye, Harold. - Stay where you are!

Ain't you got no charity? Can't you see? She's having a baby.

I bet it's got a mustache.

Shut your filthy mouth!

It's mine.

My baby.

Oh, my God.

You are, without doubt, the softest touch walking on the face of God's earth.

And you needn't think you'll get any money out of him while I'm alive.

Listen, old man. I don't need any favors from you.

- You tell him! - Or you.

I can look after myself. I don't need a man to look after me.

I didn't come back for my benefit. I came back because I was asked.

Haven't you hurt him enough?

Yes, I've hurt him, but I only hurt him once.

You've hurt him all his life. Look at him.

He's pathetic. He can't even pee without asking you.

That's a bitā€¦ I can.

I can. I can do exactly as I like.

All right then, prove it. Leave him. Walk out with me now.

There's no need to. We can all live here as one big happy family.

You see? You can't.

- I can. - You're a prisoner!

- I'm no prisoner! - Don't shout!

I will!

We do seem to have got off on the wrong foot.

Let's all sit down.

I'm not stopping. I can do without all this.

You can't go! Think of the baby.

- I am thinking about it. - But you can't bring it up on your own.

That kid needs a father. All kids need a father's influence.

Do they?

- Right, I'm coming with you. - No, I don't want you to.

It's over, love. It was a mistake coming back.

You're a nice man, it's not your fault.

- But it won't work. - It'll work. I love you.

Oh!

Harold, she's right. Missus, I'll tell you what I'll do.

Go home, have the sprog, we'll take a blood test

and if it is, we bung you 30 bob a week and that's that.

Can't be fairer than that.

Thank you very much.

Hang on. He'll apologize for that before we leave.

Do me a favor. Get stuffed!

- Zita! - Let her go.

- We don't need her. - Will you get out of the way?

- Get out of the way! - No!

Harold!

Zita!

- Let her go, Harold! - Zita!

Get your hands off me!

I was only cleaning them for you.

Gonna be a nice morning, isn't it?

Be nice on the round today.

Harold, how much longer is this going on for?

You haven't spoken to me for six months. It's getting on me wick.

I don't think I can stand much more of this.

I thought I'd made it clear

that any future conversation should be strictly utilitarian.

"Where's dinner?", "Unload the cart", and "How much do you want for it?"

Other phrases of that ilk.

I've no desire for any social intercourse.

Excuse me, I've got work to do.

Work? Can I give you a hand with something?

- Shh. Rats. - Rats don't sound like that.

Here. Look out!

- It's a baby. - You amaze me.

- How did it get in here? - I don't know.

Perhaps it ran away from home.

That baby's been left here, mate.

Somebody's had a baby and left it in here.

Poor little thing. What sort of place is this for a baby?

A stable.

Excuse me, young man.

We brought these for you.

You silly old maggot. That is the six-fifty Trident to Stuttgart.

Twelve-and-a-half pounds of assorted clean rags.

Thank you, sir.

Yes. Bye, sir.

Oh, Gawd!

Here.

Goo-goo!

She left him! She left him!

It's mine! It's mine!

Go on, get down. Oh!

Don't touch him!

He's not been inoculated yet.

I'm making a lovely bed. Lovely bed.

Come on, up. Oh, Gawd!

Here we go.

All right. He's lovely, isn't he?

Eh? My little boy.

- How do you know? - 'Cause I looked.

How do you know he's your son?

Of course he's mine. It stands to reason.

She's just had one, same age as him.

See? Of course he's mine.

Who else would leave a baby in a place like this?

I don't think even she would do a thing like that.

- Abandoning him. - I did. That's why I warned you off her.

Looks like me, don't he?

At least, he ain't got a mustache.

Of course he's mine.

Now, stop crying.

Tell you what I'll do.

I'll put you down in your nice little cot.

Oh, deary me.

I'll cover you with them blankets.

That's it. And I'll sing.

ā™Ŗ Rock-a-bye babyā€¦ ā™Ŗ

Cobblers to you, then. Cry!

He's ill! He's ill! He's ill!

- I'll get a doctor for him. - He's not ill, he's just hungry.

Tell you what, I got steak and kidney pudding.

Steak and kidney... He can't eat steak and kidney pudding!

- Why? - Not one of yours, anyway.

It takes me all my time to chew through them.

He can have the gravy. I know what I'm doing.

Don't you touch him. I don't want your dirty little germs all over him.

- I'll do it. - Not like that.

Put your hand under his bum, give him a bit of support, for Gawd's sake.

Here, I got his milk ready.

What's that?

His bottle.

That's a Guiness bottle.

I rinsed it out.

- What's that then? - His tit.

- Teat, Father. - I know.

I made it out of the little finger of your rubber glove, with a hole in the middle.

- Just right. - That's a good idea.

Of course it is. You don't have to tell me anything about bringing up babies.

I've done it all before.

I'll do it.

Yes, it's coming.

It's coming. Look at that.

He's put on 13 oz.

Not bad, is it?

He's a big boy.

Bigger than you were.

Not as big as I was.

Nobody was ever as big as you were.

I was 11 lb when I was born.

He ain't grown much, has he?

Okay, all right.

Here, hang on. Hang on.

Hang on a tick. Oh.

Come on.

Come here a minute.

You've been waiting, waiting.

Been waiting, have you?

Good boy. Ohh!

Watch it, mate.

Ain't nothing down there for you.

Oh, dear, oh, dear. Here I goā€¦

- Right? - Right.

Come on. Come on, then.

Up, up, whoops-a-daisy.

No, not that way.

You have to wash his head first.

Turn him on his back.

Hold his head over the water, so soap won't get in his eyes.

- I got it. - That's right.

- That's enough. - It's gone in the water!

In you go, that's it.

Look, he's rinsing.

- How about Bartholomew? - What sort of a name's that?

- You can't call a baby Bartholomew. - It's got a bit of class.

- Bartholomew Steptoe. - Yeahā€¦ It's too poofy.

I dunno what your problem is. Albert Winston.

- That's the one. - I'm not calling him Albert. Forget it.

Here's a good one. Gervaise.

Ew. Sounds like a lump of French cheese.

Pater, Gervaise is a very old English name.

So is Albert.

I am not calling him Albert. It is far too common.

He's my son! I'll call him what I like.

Here, some of them film stars have nice names.

Dirk Steptoe.

Kirk Steptoe.

When the kids round here find out, Berk Steptoe.

He's got to have a name.

Arbuthnot!

It's all right, I was only joking.

Come on, hurry up. We've got to call him something.

How about Peregrine?

No! Albert.

I'm not calling him Albert. Never! Never! Never!

What's his name?

We haven't got one yet. Could we call him after you?

All right? What's your name?

Albert.

Father, I think the time has come to discuss Jeremy's future.

Albert's future!

Albert Jeremy, and when you've gone, Jeremy Albert.

If he's going to Eaton,

we ought to get his name down now.

Eaton?

Yes, I think so. I don't like them straw hats they wear at Harrow.

What? They wouldn't have a rag-and-bone man's son at Eaton.

I don't see why not. You can go anywhere if you've got the money.

Yeah, but you ain't got no money.

- But you have. - You're not having my money.

- It's for your grandson's education. - I don't care. It's mine.

He won't want it until he's 13. Gordon Bennet, you'll be 83 by then...

If you made out a deed of covenant, you'd avoid all the death duties.

I intend to, mate. As long as I can.

You can't live forever. Even you've got to die sometime.

Don't keep on about me dying.

You know it upsets me.

I ain't going to die.

I've got years to go.

I'm as fit as a fiddle.

- Yes, I know, butā€¦ - I am not going to die.

See? You almost went then.

It could happen any time, while you're sat on the loo,

or having a drink, while I'm talking to you,

any time, you could go just like that.

And it would all go to the taxman.

And Jeremy's got his whole future before him.

Eaton.

A year at Gordonstoun. A few years at Cambridge.

Straight to Sandhurst.

The Household Cavalry.

Lieutenant 'Jiggers' Steptoe.

Can't you see him, proud and erect,

his horse striding down The Mallā€¦

Pulling his cart behind him.

Pulling... No!

He's coming to the business like all the Steptoes.

No, he won't. I won't let him. He'll have a chance.

He's not going to end up like me.

He'll have all the things I never had.

Not on my money, he's not.

He can stand on his own two feet like I did.

I don't approve of inherited wealth.

All right. Stuff your money!

We don't need it. I'll do it on my own.

I'll work all the hours God sends,

'cause that boy is going to have the best that money can buy!

- Oi! That's my bike! - Ow!

Come on!

All out!

Ain't you got no homes to go to?

All out!

Oh, you're so masterful!

Round the garden like a teddy-bear.

And tickle him under... Oh.

Ohā€¦ Dad?

Where's my bleedin' tea?

Cor blimey! Is it that time already?

How's little Jeremy?

Little Albert is out in the yard, having a bit of fresh air.

You what?

He's in his pram.

He's not in his pram, Dad.

Course he is. I put him there meself.

He was out here. He was out here. I strapped him in.

- Somebody's taken him. - No!

- You shouldn't have left him out here! - I always do!

I always left you out here.

- Nobody ever bothered to nick you. - I wish to Christ they had!

- What's that? - Here, a note.

"Please forgive me, I've taken him back.

I can now give him a better chance in life than he could have with you.

Thank you for looking after him.

Please do not look for us."

- Where are you going? - To find them.

She won't get away with it!

- But you don't know where she is. - Don't you worry, I'll find out.

Half a bitter, please.

Cor, look at that!

Who wants him?

Over here!

Ahh!

Bleedin' fascists!

You rotten Tory cancer!

What a rotten sport!

Bring him out this way!

You're a load of wankers!

Come in here. You can get through the window.

You'd better split, man.

You all right?

I'm all right.

Why did you come here?

Not to see you, don't worry.

I came here for the baby.

Go home, Harold. Please.

I've had enough for one night.

Just tell me where it is and I'll go and get it.

- No, Harold, you can't. - Don't tell me I can't.

It's my baby. Where is it?

- Look, Haroldā€¦ - Is it all right?

He's fine, butā€¦

You haven't brought it to work with you!

Don't, please!

Everything's okay, darling.

It's quiet out there now. Are you all right?

The other one wasn't mine either.

I must be the only bloke, who's lost two kids in one day.

I never met the Black one. I only knew the white one.

He'd be three years old now.

I wonder what Jeremy's mother calls him now.

- Albert, of course. - Don't be so daft.