All language subtitles for South_Park_S27E02

♪ MTV

- ♪ I'm goin' down
to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces
everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks
without temptation ♪

- ♪ I'm goin' down
to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna leave my woes behind

♪ Ample parking day
or night ♪

♪ People spouting,
"Howdy, neighbor" ♪

- ♪ I'm headin' on down
to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna see
if I can't unwind ♪

- ♪ Come on down
to South Park ♪

♪ And meet some friends
of mine ♪

He's gone too far
this time, dude.

The stuff he's saying about
Jews is out of control.

Bro, you just
got to ignore him.

Bro, it's pretty hard
to ignore him

when he's saying it
all on a podcast.

He actually said that
all women are whores,

and the only thing we're
good at is murdering babies.

Look, guys,
just leave it alone.

Don't give him
any more attention.

That's easy
for you to say, dude.

Yeah, you are one
of the multitudes of groups

he's spewing
his stupid shit about.

Hey, guys.

Who are you talking about?

both: Clyde.

Clyde?

Yeah, and his stupid
debating podcast.

Hey, here he comes.

Whatever, guys.

Prove me wrong.
Prove me wrong.

You don't know a thing
about the Jewish people.

Yeah, and shut up
about girls' bodies.

Well, that sounds like a very
female and Jew thing to say.

If you guys don't like it,

why don't you come debate me
on my podcast?

We're not indulging
your stupid podcast.

Yeah, screw you, fat ass.

Wha-- what?

Now, as your counselor,

I want to try and understand
why you're doing

all these bad things
you're doing.

The other students are
very upset at this podcast.

And what makes you think
you got to say

all this stuff, Clyde?

Hey, I'm just trying
to make my nut, man.

Y-your nut?

Yeah, you know,
kids have it tough these days.

We got Xbox subscriptions,
PS5, Steam subscriptions,

Netflix, HBO,
you want to order DoorDash.

My nut's about 60 bucks a week.

So you know, as a kid,
if you could do a podcast,

say some really divisive shit,
then you could make your nut.

Well, Clyde, there's more
important things

than a nut, mkay?

Like what?

Well, like being nice,
mkay,

making people smile,
helping people out.

That's why
I became a counselor.

Yes?

Mr. Mackey, I need you
to pack your stuff.

You've been fired, bud.

W-what?

Government's doing away with
needless spending in schools.

Get your things.
Last paycheck's up front.

What are you talking about?

Hey, wait a minute,
PC Principal.

Power Christian Principle,
yes.

I've worked here
for 26 years.

We appreciate your service
to this school,

but the government's cutting
back on unnecessary expenses.

Well, what's more important
than a school counselor?

Schools have
one counselor now,

and he is the greatest
counselor that ever lived.

Thanks for everything.
Now, pack your shit.

But...

what about my nut?

ANNOUNCER:
Hello, and welcome

to the "Clyde Donovan
Podcast."

Welcome to
the Channel of Truth, guys.

You can't trust Jews,

white people are
the underprivileged,

and women belong at home.

I'd like to welcome
our first guest

to the debate, Eric Cartman.

What the hell do you think
you're doing, Clyde?

We're here speaking the truth
about the Jews

and the underprivileged
white class--

That's my shtick.

Knock it off, Clyde.
You stole my idea.

I don't know about
stealing ideas,

but I do know about some
amazing supplement powders

- that are an absolute steal--
- Supplement powders?

HE-MAN supplement powders
can really help you

- bulk up and get--
- Are you fucking serious?

People are sponsoring you
for ripping me off?

And it's really just the best
way to get ripped quick.

So be sure to get some.

And also, be sure to hashtag
#RespectClydesAuthority.

What?

So after losing my job,
I realized

I really better get a handle
on how much I spend a month.

Yes, Mr. Mackey.

Looking over
your portfolio here,

it appears you've got about
an $8,000 a month nut.

$8,000 a month?

I had no idea
my nut was that big.

Now, we could get you
a debt consolidation loan,

cancel your streaming services,

downgrade
your phone subscription,

do a second mortgage
on your house,

and your nut's still $8,000--

a month.

But I don't have anything,
mkay?

I can't find a job.

Nobody's hiring
counselors anymore.

What am I supposed to do?

Well, there are
other career opportunities.

Have you considered...

a job with the I-C-E?

Help your country round up
undocumented immigrants.

ICE?

I'm a counselor.

I help people.

I would never work for ICE.

I understand you have
to have your principles.

It's just they are
offering new recruits

about a $100,000 salary.

Say--say what now?

Are you looking
for a new career?

Why not join the I-C-E?

We have jobs available now

with up to
a $50,000 signing bonus.

Signing bonus?

- ♪ We don't ask
for experience ♪

♪ Just show up

♪ We don't care if you've
read a book or grown up ♪

♪ If you're crazy
or fat and lazy ♪

♪ We don't care at all ♪

I'm proud
to work for the I-C-E.

- ♪ Immigration
and Customs Enforcement ♪

♪ If you need a job

♪ It's a job

♪ To have

And now, watch as
Clyde Donovan totally destroys

these woke liberal students.

Welcome to the channel, guys.

Looks like a lot
of whiny babies have a problem

with what I say,
so prove me wrong.

Uh, Hey, Clyde.

Um, you said nothing good
ever came from the Jews.

But if that's true,
why are bagels so yummy?

- Yeah.
- Yeah!

Well, you've obviously
been taught by the Jews

to have a problem with this
school and with America.

So let me ask you this-- what
is your definition of a woman?

Wait, now, what?

What is a woman?
It's a very simple question.

Well, a woman is
a lady friend

who, you know,
gives you kisses.

You see, you can't
answer the question.

But something is male
or it is female.

Both science and scripture
agree to that.

And that's just the truth.
Next.

Another woke
student totally destroyed.

Oh, jeez.

Did you call
the girls' soccer team

a Marxist
indoctrination factory?

That is correct.

We actually beat the boys
4 to 0, you know.

You can whine about American
oppression all you want,

but you're using an iPhone
made by the free market

to complain about a system
that gave it to you.

Girls have it way easy
in America,

and that's just the truth.

ANNOUNCER:
Woke student totally pwned.

Women have it good
in America,

just like Black people do.

Black people have everything
handed to them--

Motherfucker!

I'm sick of people
stealing my schtick.

If anyone around here
is gonna be a master debater,

it's me.

So let's go.

Who wants to debate
the master debater?

Let's go.

You right there.

That's the stupidest haircut
I've ever seen.

You are wrong.

Leviticus 3:17 says it shall be
a perpetual statute

for your generations
throughout all your dwellings.

So you can shut up, Bebe.

You just hate America
and you love abortions.

Mr. Mackey?

Uh, yes, r-right here.

Have a seat, sir.

What makes you want to work
for immigration enforcement?

Uh, well,

you see, I got a nut.

All right, you're hired.

Take this to the next station

for your physical
and orientation video.

Well, th-that's it?

You will now watch
an orientation video

featuring the Director
of Homeland Security.

♪

Welcome to the team,
recruits.

I'm Kristi Noem,
Head of Homeland Security.

Oh, she seems nice, mkay?
Very pretty.

A few years ago,
I had to put my puppy down

by shooting it in the face,

because sometimes
doing what's important

means doing what's hard.

Whoa. Whoa.

Now, we'll ask
the same determination of you.

Because detaining
and questioning people

is never easy.

Oh, God!

As the face
of Homeland Security,

I'll be leading the way.

And together,
we'll make sure

everyone is in this country
legally.

So let's get out there
and get 'em, recruits.

Together,
we can make it happen.

We hope you enjoyed
the presentation.

Please step through to the
vehicles for your first raid.

Keep your hands and feet
inside the vehicle

at all times.

Lock and load, recruits!

Prepare to raid!

Mmm-kay.

Watch as
Eric Cartman shuts down

these woke liberal students.

Oh, my God.

What makes you think
you have the right

to say what I do with my body?

Let me ask you something.

If a pregnant woman is killed
and the baby dies too,

why is the killer charged
with a double homicide?

Well, b--because people
have different beliefs.

It's not about belief.
It's about truth.

Science confirms life
begins at conception.

So, yes, Jeremiah 1:5 says,
before I formed you

in the womb, I knew you.

But it's just morality
that demands

we protect the most vulnerable.

So let me ask you--
when do you think life begins?

Eric, are you all right
in there?

Yeah, I'm fine, Mom.

I'm just in here
master debating.

Well, Eric, that's enough.

Let's get out of the bathroom.

I can't, Mom.

I'm master debating to these
young college girls.

That's very naughty, Eric.
Stop it.

Mom, I finally got
sponsored by a protein powder,

so I gotta master debate
for a couple more hours.

Leviticus 9:1-8.
Leave me alone.

- All right, recruits.
This is it.

We're heading to a location

that might be filled
with illegals.

Let's take these
bad hombres down.

Backpack.

Backpack.

Backpack. Backpack.

♪ I'm the map,
I'm the map ♪

♪ I'm the map,
he's the map ♪

♪ He's the map,
I'm the map ♪

Freeze!

Oh, God. Mkay.

We're just here
for questioning.

Cooperate, and nothing bad--
holy shit.

Look,
I'm really sorry about this.

It's just, I got
a monthly nut, you know?

I gotta make my nut.

You did a good job
in there, soldier.

Mkay.
Thank you, Captain.

I know it's tough
doing what's hard,

but we could use more men
like you in the--

Whoa, what the fuck?

Your Botox, Ms. Noem.

Oh, yeah.
Fix me up.

Fix me up.

Another day doing what's tough.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But a body growing inside
a woman's body is not her body.

It's a completely separate
fetus--

Eric, what are you doing?

I'm sorry, mom.

You told me to go to sleep, but
I started masterdebating again.

This is really getting
to be a problem, Eric.

Mom, you don't understand.

I'm getting really good
at this.

I have my arguments down
rock solid.

These young college girls
are totally unprepared,

so I can just destroy them
and also edit out all the ones

that actually argue back well.

It just feels so good.

I understand it feels good,

but that doesn't mean
you do it all the time.

I'm sorry, Mommy.

Put the computer away
and leave those poor

college girls alone.

OK.

I won't master debate
anymore tonight.

Look, look, you can call it
reproductive rights.

But be honest,
if a baby could speak,

it would fight
for its right to live.

Eric Cartman!

I'm sorry, Mom!

Tom, another protest today,
as thousands turned out

in downtown Denver
to voice their outrage

against the I-C-E.

This is just out of control.

A lot of the people being
targeted in these raids

are kind, hard-working,
deeply faithful people

who care for their families.

I have no doubt that there are
many, many Latinos in heaven.

♪ ♪

Oh, this is bad.

Mkay?

Remember, only detain
the brown ones.

If it's brown, it goes down.

Jesus, look out!

There's another one
flying over here.

Catch him!
Catch him!

I just need
to ask you some questions,

mkay, make sure you're legal.

How did you get into heaven?

Um, I was really nice
to people,

and I helped various charities.

Look,
I'm really sorry about this,

but I'm just trying
to make my nut.

Mackey, I need a word.

Yes, Captain?

You did another great job
out there, Mackey.

I like your style.

Oh.
Thank you.

The President's
handing out bonuses

to recruits that stand out.

And I'm going to recommend you

for the next set
of bonuses that--

Ah!

Grab it!

No more brownies in heaven.

Hello and welcome
to the third annual

Charlie Kirk Award
for Young Masterdebaters.

More and more
young people today

are learning to fight
for America

through masterdebation.

We're here to honor the recent
efforts of a brave young man

who has been
furiously masterdebating

for the past several days
and has won himself

not only this trophy, but also
an all expenses paid vacation

to a beautiful
five-star resort.

He has proven himself
the true champion.

Please welcome
the best young masterdebater

of our time, Clyde Donovan.

Clyde?

No! That's my trip
to a five-star resort!

Come on, Eric.
Let's go.

Thanks, everyone.

The Civil Rights Act
was a huge mistake.

And, I don't know, lesbians
are an abomination of God.

You all stole my schtick!

Clyde!

OK.

We got some
of your pay stubs in.

Let's see
how that nut's looking.

Well, seems you got
some bonuses

for rounding up
the most Mexicans.

Shh.

We don't round up Mexicans, OK?

We just detain foreigners
who might be illegal.

OK.

Well, after taxes
and with your bonuses,

it looks like you've got about
$10 grand a month to spend.

- Oh, I do?
- Yes.

And your nut's up to about
$12 grand a month.

What?

But my nut was only
$8 grand a week ago.

Right.
But you got a good-paying job.

You see,
as you make more money,

your nut actually gets bigger.

How is that possible?

It's all right.

If you can just get
a few more bonuses,

we can refinance the house,
divide that

by the number of Mexicans
you detained, and, of course,

compound any Costa Ricans
you might incur to the--

-Freeze!
-Nobody move!

Here he is over here.

Come on, Mackey.
Need to talk to you outside.

Talk to me?
About what?

What's this all about?

Congratulations, recruit.

I talked to the president
about your accomplishments,

and he says he wants
to help you with your nut.

Really?
He does?

That's right.

We have orders
to get you on a plane.

The President wants
to thank you personally.

Congratulations.

He's invited you to Mar-a-Lago.

Mar-a-Lago?

♪ ♪

Oh, wow.

♪

Relax! Take a load off!

Boss, the plane is here

from Immigration
and Customs Enforcement.

I know, stupid.
Let's go.

Hey, buddy.

Welcome to Mar-a-Lago.

Oh, thank you, Mr. President.

What is his fantasy, boss?

Will you get out of here?

Listen, buddy,
I want to offer you

an incredible opportunity.

How would you like to make
more money

than you ever thought possible?

Well, I do have
a pretty huge nut.

Now, that's the kind
of talk I like.

Mar-a-Lago's for everyone
that's got a nut.

I'm giving you a promotion.

You'll have access to all
that Mar-a-Lago has to offer.

I want to make you the new face
of Homeland Security.

But, Mr. President,
I thought Kristi Noem

was the head
of Homeland Security.

Well, she was, but her face
freaks me out.

So what do you say?

Well, I do need
a high-paying job.

Excellent.

Now, let's take care
of that nut for you.

Hey, Satan.

Meet the new face
of Homeland Security.

Whoa!
Oh, my God.

I just want to go.

This place is gross.

Would you like me
to apply the baby oil

to Satan's asshole, boss?

OK, look, I think there's
been a misunderstanding.

I'm going to take
a little break here.

Hey, come on.

Relax, guy.

Oh, excuse me.
I'm sorry.

Backpack, backpack.

Oh, God, Dora the Explorer.

Excuse me.

Clyde?

Not right now, sir.

I've kind of had enough.

What are you doing here...
young man?

Just trying
to make my nut, sir.

Didn't really want all this.

Oh, well, young man...

♪

I kind of know what
you're going through, mkay?

I know we all have
a lot of pressures

and we all want
nice things, mkay, but--

but if you're doing something
you don't really believe in

just to make your nut,

you're going to find
that you just get sadder

and your nut just gets bigger.

Mkay?

Yeah.

I guess you're right.

But...who are you?

I'm a goddamn counselor.

That's what I am.

This place isn't right
for either of us.

There's got to be someone
that can help get us out.

♪ ♪

All right.
Got him.

Hey, Kristi, what's going on?

Trying to replace me

as the face
of Homeland Security, huh?

Hey, relax, guy.

Who could replace
a face like that?

Think I can't handle myself
'cause I'm a lady

with good looks
that drive men wild?

Come on.
We're getting out of here.

You too, come on.

We got it.
We got it.

Another job well done.

♪ Loo loo loo,
loo loo loo loo loo ♪

♪ Loo loo loo, loo loo loo ♪

♪ ♪