Original subtitles

Narrator: Coming up...

Oh, my god.

Narrator: How did murr end

up in this position?

Will Joe find the strength to

man up?

That's Joe's real dog.

What's up with the pink bows?

Narrator: And...

I'm so sorry.

Narrator: What have the guys

done to sal now?

All: Now! Now!

Today we're in the park,

having completely normal

conversations with strangers.

However, at any point during

the conversation, the other guys

can yell "now!"

When we hear the word "now,"

we have to do whatever weird

task was assigned to us.

If you don't complete the

weird task when you hear "now,"

you lose.

When are we doing this?

Noooooow!

Open up your slip of paper.

I have to start dry-heaving?

Yeah.

It's like...

You know.

Oh, oh. The guy in blue, with

sunglasses here?

I'm all confused. Excuse me.

I was trying to meet my friend

at union square park.

Now. n square park.

Okay, so... oh, I'm so sorry,

man.

Now. Now.

Sorry about that.

So, where are we now, then?

Now.

Excuse me.

It runs right into it?

Now.

Now.

Thank you, man.

That guy's like, "i'm

leaving now."

Let's see what's in the

cards.

Change my pants?

I only have one pair of

pants.

All: Well...

Well, well, here we go.

You see that

backpack over there, buddy?

Next to the jacked guy?

Yeah, the half-naked jacked

guy.

That's where your spare pants

are.

Guys.

Hey. What's up, man?

How are ya?

There's always some beautiful

dogs through here.

Joey, now.

I mean, the doberman...

That's one of my favorites.

He's gonna take his pants

off.

You own a dog or no?

There's so much etiquette with

dogs.

You can't really worry about it,

though.

If I had my way, I'd make, like,

all dog owners be responsible

for their dogs.

You know, some of them just let

them run around and do their

thing.

If people were responsible for

their dogs, I'd let my dog play

with them.

But if they're not, no can do.

This citi bike program is

really taking off.

Now.

Because with the bikes, the

good thing with the bikes is

that people are just...

really cutting down on their

commuting expenses.

He just changed them.

You really could save money

that way.

You look like a biker.

Do you own one, or no?

Don't hurt yourself.

Don't pull yourself.

Ready? Now.

I'd take hot over cold any

day.

Doesn't really work.

All: Now. Now. Now.

I love when the fountain's on

because that's really when the

people come out.

Now.

Now.

Now.

Now.

Sweet!

Some days, you just can't get

comfortable.

Over-congratulate?

About what?

Over-congratulate someone

about nothing.

And everything.

And everything.

All right.

Top of the steps, there's a

couple there.

Excuse me.

Is this normally a stage?

Do you guys know what this

normally is?

Hi. I'm Brian.

There we... oh. There we go.

Let's never say "now."

Let's never say "now."

That's a cool tattoo, by the

way.

I really like that.

He's just making up talk just

waiting for it to happen.

I'd love to congratulate you

on that.

Is that the sort of thing you

congratulate people on, a

tattoo?

Oh. I can't do it yet.

Now would be a good time. Now.

All right, well, good talking to

you.

Now.

Congratulations on that

tattoo.

Now was the time after I left

and said goodbye.

Of course.

Almighty, what are you

guys doing to me?

Now.

I love these shoes, too.

I don't know where you got them,

but I think they're great.

Congratulations on getting those

shoes.

What the hell are you guys

doing?

Oh. Now.

I didn't mean to leave out your

shoes, man.

Congratulations on those, bro.

They're really cool. Nice!

Sweet. Thank you.

What, you guys think I'm afraid

to run?

Sit down right on that bench

next to that guy there.

Yeah, there you go.

Yeah, you see that?

That's for you.

Take that paper out.

You'll know what that has to do

with it in a second.

Ah... shoot somebody with a

water gun.

How'd you know?

You're so smart.

He's enjoying an ice cream.

I mean, what the hell are we

waiting for?

Right now.

Did we say "later?"

I thought we said "now."

Let me just do a little remix

for you.

Hold on, buddy.

N-n..., n-n..., n-n..., n-n-n-now.

I'm... I'm so sorry. Um...

I have this, uh...

I'm so sorry.

Oh

Well...

Now.

For this.

All: Now! Now! Now!

Oh, my god.

Now! Now!

Oh, my god. Sorry.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

All: Now! Now!

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

All: Now!

You seem like a great guy.

Now!

Are you from New York?

So you're just visiting then?

All: Now! Now! Now!

Now! Now! Now! Now! Now!

How long...?

I'm done. I'm done.

Yes! We got him!

Oh, nice.

Narrator: Sal's all wet, so

now he's on the loser board.

People have funny walks,

don't they?

Would you guys be friends with

me if I was the same murr you

know, but I walked like this?

After all the things there

are about you, you think that's

the thing that's gonna put us

off?

I'd actually prefer it if you

started walking like that.

Then there'd be something

cool about you.

Today we're teaming up to

teach employees about safety in

the workplace.

What's unsafe is that our

presentations have been made by

the other team.

At the end of our seminars,

we'll ask the staff to raise

their hands if they've learned

anything.

Whichever team gets the

fewest hands raised loses.

Remember, safety first.

Doughnuts a close second.

Why are you always putting

doughnuts right up there with

safety?

Why aren't you, man?

Why aren't you?

Good luck.

Good luck.

I love these two when they're

paired together because they

don't belong anywhere

together... anywhere.

Here we go.

Hey, guys. How are you?

Hi, everyone. How are you?

As you may have heard, we

debrief employees on typical

workplace-safety protocols.

Okay.

In case of an emergency...

Uh, squat.

Smoke rises.

You want to stay low to the

ground in case of an emergency.

Bend down with your head

between your legs.

Kiss your ass...

I mean, we're not trying to

sugarcoat anything here.

They're dying.

Grooming for work.

Facial hair can be dangerous to

others.

I wear the beard as an

example.

I'm aware of it.

There's nothing I can really do

about it.

I mean, you could shave it.

Well...

Murray hates his beard.

Some teammate, sal.

They're seeing the left side.

Show them the right side.

How's your back, buddy?

'Cause he shaves his entire

body.

Sal trumps him.

Now you're selling Murray

out?

He grows the hair in the

back.

I love when they turn on each

other.

In the room, it gets hot,

man.

It gets heavy.

Let's try not to do that.

All righty.

We will now demonstrate the

different carries you can use to

help someone evacuate.

Now, there's...

The Mariah Carey.

Demonstrate.

So, you want to...

It's like a fireman's carry

like this.

And then basically, you want

to communicate it.

You want to be like...

♪ I think there's a fire

♪ burning up in here

♪ I think there's a fire, girl

it's very much like that.

Something like that.

Next slide.

Get the...

There's no better advice.

You hear a fire alarm.

Get out.

You're like, "ah, it's not

real."

You stay at your desk.

You know what?

Both: Get the out.

We appreciate your time.

By show of hands, how many of

you feel like you've taken some

kind of value from today's

seminar?

One, two.

Both: Two?

Two?

Two.

Two out of six.

That's not hard to beat.

Okay, great.

You are looking dapper.

Yeah? I look dapper today?

This might be the first time

you look better than me.

See, he looks good, but he

wait until he opens his mouth.

Yeah, you can't dress up

horrible diction.

Hey. How's it going, guys?

Hello. Hey.

Have a seat.

We are here to talk to you guys

about workplace safety.

Here we go!

All right!!

Workplace facts.

There are 70% fewer workplace

accidents when a strong

authority is present.

Don't be afraid to assert your

manliness.

That looks like, uh...

That's a picture of Joe's

real dog.

It's a bichon frise.

What is a bichon frise?

What's up with the pink bows?

Some people say cats are

effeminate pet.

But I think...

He's turning on him.

Let's keep it together, man.

Okay, sorry.

Sorry... it's just I've got a

lot of crap about cats.

Let's talk about it later.

Okay.

Anonymous questions that were

submitted last seminar.

Sure, and we're gonna ask you

guys to possibly submit some as

well.

"What's the most polite way

to tell Duncan about his back

fat?"

Uh...

You know, just say...

"Hey, duncs"...

"what's up with the back

fat?"

Oh, you use e-mail?

Subject... "duncs, your back

fat."

Right.

"Totes out of control."

Yes.

"Totes out of

control?"

"I have more of a comment.

I think anfernee has been

stealing toner."

Anfernee.

So, you think there's

stealing going on, especially if

anfernee's involved.

It's important to tell people

about that.

Which smells warrant

evacuation.

Smoke... where there's smoke,

there's fire.

Also...

This is like a kick in the

nuts, this one.

Fresh ass

only if it's fresh.

You get a whiff of fresh

ass...

Right by Janice in accounting.

Some of you may be asking,

"what does fresh ass

smell like?"

I think that's it, so...

Just a quick question for us...

How many people here feel like

they've taken something away

from today's seminar?

One, two, three.

Four.

Both: No!

They beat us!

Okay.

Well, I thought we did an

amazing job.

Narrator: Murr and sal played

it too safe, earning them both

spots on the loser board.

Today we're asking strangers

for help making our dating

profile.

The catch is what we're

showing them has been created by

the other guys.

Once we present the profiles,

we'll ask them to rate it on a

scale from 1 to 10.

Whoever gets the lowest score

loses, and I'm making this a

joker versus joker.

All: Oh!

Narrator: It's a double down

joker versus joker challenge.

Look at him stalking.

"Who would fight back the

least?"

Who can I mentally dominate?

I feel like the guy in red is

on his own hidden-camera show,

and he's looking at Murray and

being like, "this guy looks

good.

I can mentally dominate him."

Do you mind if I ask you a

question?

I just joined an online dating

site.

I'm trying to fill out the

profile.

Can I show it to you, get your

opinion of it?

Yeah!

Neil, nice to meet you.

Neil.

Okay, so, I created a screen

name.

Uh, "peeping-at-u."

Right off the bat.

So, a little about me.

What I'm doing with my life...

I currently work in a morgue.

I post new pics on Instagram

daily.

Like selfies from the morgue.

I do a lot of selfies.

I mean, you can't...

he just doesn't want to come

out and say... you see it on his

face.

"Dude, this sucks."

Let's jump to this one.

I'll show you this one.

"You should message me if you're

fun, adventurous, spontaneous,

tight, and laid-back."

She's great with spontaneity,

and, you know, we come up with

things on the spot, and she's

really laid-back and tight.

On a whim, she's willing to

change her mind and do fun

things.

We'll explore, and then she's

tight and just really laid-back.

You know, just really taking

adventures and tight.

Neil is stumped.

The first thing people

usually notice about me is my

blackened front chomper.

Show him!

Show him!

Show him!

I'm embarrassed to show you.

I'm embarrassed to show you.

You didn't notice it when you

first came over?

I don't want to show you.

I'm embarrassed.

What do you think?

If you had to rank my dating

profile on a scale of 1 to 10,

what would you give?

Be honest.

Don't be nice. Don't be nice.

A 3?

Get this woman in the pink

hat.

Excuse me, miss.

I just need to get an opinion on

something.

I could use a woman's opinion.

Do you want to help me out?

I'm Brian, by the way.

I have to put together a dating

profile.

So, this is what I'm working

with right now.

My personality is best described

as a wet napkin.

So I can be helpful to single

moms.

She's so nice.

She is.

She's politely being full of

crap.

Okay, so, so far, I'm not

doing so bad.

Body type... soft.

I just saw that.

I forgot I filled it in.

Okay, currently I...

Wake up every day and try not to

kill myself...

Or scrapbooking.

You know, and I love

scrapbooking.

How do we feel about that?

The first thing people notice

about me is my hat.

I wear it every single day.

This way I never have to wash or

comb my hair.

There you go.

The most private thing I like

to admit is my breath smells

like fingers.

I guess that means that I put my

own fingers in my mouth or other

people put their fingers in my

mouth.

That's it.

That's all I have so far.

This is my first stab at an

online-dating profile.

That's a very polite way of

saying, "you'll never get a

date."

If you had to rate my profile

on a scale of 1 to 10...

Moment of truth.

Oh!

6?! What?!

Narrator: Murr's got a double

date with destiny, making him

tonight's big loser.

Let's be honest.

Murr is no model.

But he is the loser, so today

we're gonna make him a model.

A nude model.

We're about to send him into

an art class where a group of

students will concentrate on his

every crevice.

He has to do any pose that we

tell him to.

That's the part that scares

me.

That should be the part that

scares you.

That's about to scare a

roomful of people.

Murray, head to toe wax...

Head to toe.

In minutes, these people are

gonna be staring directly in

your ass

oh, my god, look at this!

There's no escaping his nude

body.

Oh, my god.

You can see in his face how

jittery he is.

Take it off.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

It's just murr standing in a

room of silent people holding

his own balls.

All right, murr, so, what

we're gonna do... we're gonna

give you a couple poses, buddy.

Okay, ready?

I want you to give them a

heisman trophy.

How about a ballerina?

Oh, my god.

I can't... I can't do this.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god, that looks so

weird.

Give me the Michael Jackson

"ahhhhhh!"

They are studying your body like

you are...

A specimen.

The Mona Lisa. Yeah.

Give me an Egyptian. Go.

We got to get his hands off his

package.

What Murray doesn't know is that

his stage...

Rotates.

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

It's time to go to the

amusement park, buddy.

We're gonna go on that roller

coaster.

Going up the hill, bud.

We're about to go down that big

hill.

Oh! Oh!

Here we go.

Whoa!

Now kick. Now kick.

Crane kick.

I'm gonna throw up.

Oh, god, that's gross!

I'm gonna throw up now, too!

Oh, I'm gonna throw up!

I'm gonna throw up!

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god, I just laughed so

hard, I puked.

I puked in a bucket.