Original subtitles

Narrator: Coming up, why is

sal being such a bad boy?

Oh, my god.

Narrator: What do the guys do

to murr that he can't bear.

Help me from this man.

Narrator: And will sal suck

it up for the win?

We're at compare foods,

Brooklyn, trying to get from one

end of the aisle to the other.

The catch is, the only time

we're allowed to move is when

we've locked eyes with a single

stranger.

If the person stops looking,

you stop moving.

Whoever doesn't cross the

finish line loses.

Let's do this dance!

You can't have a real

conversation.

No full sentences.

That's to his advantage.

He can't speak full sentences

anyway.

You should be a home run at

this.

I heard that.

Proceed as normal!

Laugh it up, laugh it up.

Q, go for Wolverine.

With the bat shirt.

Go for hipster Wolverine.

Snikt!

Snikt!

Snikt?

That's the sound that

Wolverine's claws make when they

come out.

If you knew anything about

comics, you'd know that.

Sick burn.

Sick burn, bro.

Wow!

I feel like you just got

revirginized out there.

Here he goes.

Eh?

♪ Da da da, da da da

that's super-impressive.

He's juggling two peaches.

You're just handing...

you're just throwing two

peaches in the air.

♪ Da da da

and he's gone!

Denied!

Forget Wolverine.

Get this guy.

Whoa!

Eh! Eh!

Ah! Aah!

He, he's not looking.

Not looking, stop moving.

Da! Da da da!

Da da da!

No, you're gonna wear out

your welcome.

Soo! So-so!

You're the ewok?

You're an ewok now?

Swee!

Skiddle-Lee-do!

You got 4 feet to go.

No, oh!

He got across!

He got it!

Oh, man!

He just used brute force.

Whoo!

You just got to put the

interesting face out there.

Hey, a little bit...

Just little bit... little bit...

this is weird, man.

Look at him.

Look at this face.

You've essentially made

yourself someone that nobody

would ever want to make eye

contact with in a supermarket.

Wha... ju...

Wha...

A little bit...

You did that a little bit...

oh-ho-ho!

You got him! He's got him!

Stop!

Stranded halfway.

A little bit...

A little bit...

Was it...

What...

Oh.

Oh. Oh, a little bit...

All right.

I didn't...

oh!

Nicely done!

Wow.

One person from start to

finish, right?

Yep, one person from start to

finish.

No conversation.

What the...

That's your plan?

What is he doing?

Don't people die like that?

Well, not when they rip a big

hole by your nose and mouth.

Oh.

What are you, a produce

ninja?

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Sal, do you know what the

you look like right now?

Oh, oh, oh!

He's dancing plastic ninja!

There he goes, there he goes!

He's got it! He's got it!

He's got him! He's in!

He's in!

He's in!

Oh!

He almost died a winner!

Murray, I swear to god, if

you say the words, "I have a

foolproof plan," I'm gonna come

out and strangle you.

I don't know if it's

foolproof, but it's an idea.

Murr, do me a favor... just

show us.

Don't say it.

Just show us what you're

gonna do.

Don't say it.

Look at him struggling to

keep it in.

Yeah, keep it in.

"Aah! Overload! Overload!"

Sparks start coming out of

his ears.

"Need to tell you about my

approach!"

"Must tell plan!

Must tell plan!"

"This violates prime

directive."

"I got to tell you about my

foolproof approach!"

Stop.

This guy in red, buddy.

Plum. Plum.

Apple. Apple.

Green apple.

Green apple.

Orange. Orange.

Orange. Orange. Orange.

Orange.

Orange.

Orange, orange, orange.

Orange.

Lemon. Lime. Lime.

Lime.

Navel orange.

Navel orange.

Navel orange.

Navel.

Cantaloupe.

Cantaloupe.

Cantaloupe.

Cantaloupe.

Cantaloupe?

He's not into melons.

Yeah, he's not a melon guy.

Banana? Banana?

Sweet potato.

Sweet potato, sweet potato,

sweet potato.

Sweet potato, swee...

Oh! Sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

And he lost him!

You see how close I am?

Idiot.

Idiot.

Idiot.

Narrator: Murr couldn't cross

the finish line, so he finishes

on the loser board.

They say if you're interested

in a woman, you're supposed to

make eye contact with her.

Seems necessary.

Otherwise, she'll never, ever

know you mean to talk to her.

It never works out.

I'm always like, "hey.

What's going on, baby?"

And then I just can't seal

that deal.

I don't know why.

How many are you staring at?

The middle one.

Always stare at the middle one.

Today we're working as

podiatrists in the offices of

Dr. Dan margolin.

We're gonna be all up in

them foots.

While examining people's

feets, we have to do and say

whatever the other guys tell

us to.

And if you refuse, you go

down in "defeatses."

Murr, you in a lab coat looks

eerie.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

My patient is here.

Hi. How are you?

Good. How you doing?

Good.

James Murray, doctor.

Have a seat, please.

So, bring me up to speed with

what's been going on.

Well, I have severe pain

on...

Okay.

Do you mind if I just take a

quick selfie here with my camera

of your big toe?

Take a selfie.

Just take a selfie!

I'm just gonna pop a selfie

real quick.

This is gonna look great on my

Facebook.

Oh, my god.

That's great, right?

Okay, tell me if you feel any

pain when I do this, okay?

Hey, bud, why don't you start

a tickle fight?

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

Tickle, tickle, tickle,

tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.

Little bit?

Little bit?

Murray, lay on top of this

guy.

Full body hug, murr!

Oh, man.

Anyway...

Oh, amazing.

Come on in.

Have a seat, please.

Murr, sit him down.

Have a seat, please.

Give him a sensual foot

massage.

There's lotion right on that

counter, buddy.

Yeah.

Sensual, sensual.

Murr, pleasure that big toe.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Pleasure that big toe.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Don't do it!

Do you play golf?

Aaaaaah!

Aaaaaah-ha-ha-ha!

Oh, my god!

Stop it!

Stop!

For sakes, stop!

Why does he keep going?!

Stop and you win.

Stop and you win.

Stop and we'll give you the

thumbs-up!

Murr, if he finishes, you

win.

Q, you ever been to a foot

doctor?

No, my feet are fine.

Your feet are probably the

healthiest thing on your body.

All right.

How are you?

Good.

Please, have a seat.

Just sit back, relax.

Get comfortable.

What's the problem, Anastasia?

That's okay.

I have like 10 of them.

Q, turn to the door and say,

"come in."

Come in.

Okay, I thought that somebody

was gonna...

Okay, sorry.

Q, grab the bottle of

antibacterial to your right.

Okay.

And just start squirting a

whole bunch in your hands.

Okay. And how long have you

been feeling the pain?

Right.

I just like everything to be,

you know, completely...

Oh, my god!

Come in!

Come in.

Yeah, I guess that that's not

gonna...

Anyway, about your foot...

Anyway, about your foot...

Sorry if I'm a bit off.

Sorry if I'm a bit off.

I walked in on my parents

doing it this morning.

Come in.

Did you fill out paperwork

today?

Need you to sign this waiver,

then.

Get the roll of paper towels.

Just have you sign this waiver.

We'll just have you sign the

waiver.

Yeah.

What the hell?!

Thank you so much. Thank you.

All right, sal, stand up and

just be like, "let's get

started," and turn around and

spank yourself.

All right, so...

Do it again.

Spank that butt.

Go to the cabinet to get

something.

Spank yourself.

Spank yourself.

Oh, my god.

All right, and this foot

never had pain?

Okay, sure.

I'll go get the other doctor.

Spank.

Okay, have a seat right

there.

Hi, Brianna.

I'm Dr. Gatto.

Nice to meet you.

So, what's going on here?

Joe, is that your phone

ringing?

Let me see.

One second.

I'm just... I have a patient

right now.

Yeah, I'm with a patient

right now.

How's that Booty?

Just say it.

How's that Booty?

How's that Booty?

All right, talk to you later,

Phillip.

All right, Phillip.

I'll talk to you later.

Joe, have twitchy hands.

Who'd you see when you were

here last time?

Oh, okay, okay.

Great doctor, great doctor.

The swelling's gone down a

little bit here.

Okay, let me, uh...

Well, let me see what I have,

uh...

This is what we have.

These guys.

Look at her face.

Look at her.

Bud, put those glasses on.

Look at the swelling.

I'd like to see what...

Son of a...

Oh. That's unfortunate.

Put them on, bro!

Put them on, bro!

All right, well...

Keep them fingers moving.

Keep them fingers moving.

She's looking at you like

you're insane.

It hasn't hurt in a while?

You're able to walk around?

Narrator: Q couldn't doctor a

win, so he's kicking his feet up

on the loser board.

As I'm getting older, i'm

starting to get athlete's foot.

What?

The problem is, you're no

athlete.

Right.

So you don't have athlete's

foot.

You just have foot.

Today, we're in the park

asking the most normal of

questions.

Could you help me Bury this?

The catch is, we don't know

what we're burying 'cause it's

been planted by the other guys.

If you can't convince someone

to help you Bury the item, you

lose.

Hold this.

Joker versus joker, whoever's

holding the shovel.

Ohh!

Dig it!

Your legs are really white.

Thanks a lot.

They glare.

They're, like, not even white.

They're like 50 shades of gray.

I just want to handcuff him and

ah, this is killing me.

Friend, could I... could you

give me a hand for one sec,

buddy?

I pulled my back out.

Do you want to give me a hand

for one second?

I'm almost done.

I got to Bury this.

It's a...

Oh.

It's just a...

Wedding dress.

Whose wedding dress is it,

buddy?

This is, um...

Yeah, whose is it?

My, um...

My mother is getting remarried

tomorrow.

But not on my watch.

Dalton will never be my real

dad.

Give me a hand, bro.

You know what I'm talking about,

right?

He thinks he's the new man of

the house.

You mind giving me a hand?

Oh, my god!

That's it.

You and me, let's Bury this.

Man.

♪ I get to keep my mommy

♪ I get to keep my mommy

get these guys.

You mind giving me a hand,

fellas, real quick?

I got to Bury this thing.

And I just... it'll just take a

minute.

Let me just.

It's a Teddy bear.

Yeah, I just got to Bury this

Teddy bear.

What Murray doesn't know is

this Teddy bear talks.

Please don't Bury me.

I got Bury this Teddy bear

that...

please help me.

Help me from this man.

Yo! It's like Chucky.

Hold on a second!

Please help!

The things this man has done to

me are unspeakable.

I haven't done anything

unspeakable to this Teddy bear.

It's just, I'm done with this

Teddy bear.

I don't need it anymore.

I just need a hand burying it.

Call the police.

Don't listen to the Teddy

bear.

Give me a hand for one sec.

Here, take a shovel.

Come on.

There you go.

Give me a hand.

It'll take one sec.

We'll Bury this Teddy bear once

and for all.

Guys, we'll do this together.

Come on.

I need your help.

Drop that shovel

you pick up that shovel.

You throw that dirt right on

that Teddy bear.

I can't.

Come on, man.

I'll come back and get you if

you help him.

Don't listen to what he said!

Don't be swayed!

Oh!

Come on, do it, do it!

Yes!

The grave is so cold.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Look at her.

She's just staring at him.

Could you help me Bury this?

You're in a rush?

All right, well, thank you.

If somebody approached you in

a park holding a shovel, I would

keep running.

Excuse me.

Could you give me a hand with

something, buddy?

Well, it's simple.

I just got to Bury something

real quick.

It's, um...

It's a...

It's an envelope of dick pics.

Which is... it's pictures of my

friend dick.

But he's naked in them.

It's dick's dick pics.

He asked me to help him get rid

of them, so if you mind, just

help me out?

You want to see the pictures?

Could you help me with this for

one second?

It's exercise.

It's exercise.

Here we go.

Uh, just help me Bury this

for one second.

It's, uh...

It's a wheelbarrow full of naked

dolls.

Every one of them represents an

ex-girlfriend of mine.

And I can't... and I can't take

it anymore.

That's Tina.

That's Tina.

She broke up with me 'cause she

said I yelled too much.

That's Mary.

She said she hated all my cats.

That's Jeannette.

She hated the wheelbarrow.

My therapist said I got to get

rid of these things.

So, what do you say?

You just gonna give me a hand,

Bury these dolls?

Narrator: The only thing q

buried was himself, making him

tonight's big loser.

Q's career in the arts

continues.

First, a photographer, then a

fashion designer, and now a

filmmaker.

You're gonna head to this

theater, packed with movie

buffs, and show them a few key

scenes from your film, which we

made.

Good luck explaining it,

buddy, because the reviews

are in.

It's

my favorite part is that q can't

talk.

And we force him to explain

things.

He's not good at speaking.

He's not good at words coming

out of his mouth.

I would like to thank you all

for coming.

I'm just going to be showing

some clips from a short film.

We directed these scenes to

make absolutely no sense on

purpose.

These are some key scenes

from the movie.

We shot them, and, uh...

Oh, here we go.

Untitled film project, a modern

drama based on my life,

by Brian Quinn.

They say that art is supposed to

draw from what you know.

This has all been based on my

life.

So, here is scene 112b,

"love in the park."

And go ahead, please.

I guess I'll never get those

apples from your mother.

Apples.

So, as you can see there,

there's a... there's, um...

That was my girlfriend

dumping me.

That was me in the suit with the

hat.

He's sweating.

You know, our relationship was

really founded on a mutual love

of apples.

And then we met at an orchid.

Orchard.

An orchid is a flower.

Please roll it.

Scene 88a, subtitled

"peanut butter and smelly."

Oh, spare us!

The turtle had an abortion!

Price gouging, that's what I

call it!

Yeah, well, just don't call

it late for supper.

Just don't call it late for

supper.

Hyah!

What happened there, bud?

Clearly, the relationship was in

turmoil.

You know, she was always

threatening me with knives, and

I was always...

Threatening her with the crane

kick from "karate kid."

Next... next...

Scene 9, "my uncle raked me (in

(the backyard)."

Please roll that.

Both: I am the world.

Pittsburgh!

Pittsburgh.

Okay, now we're just gonna open

it up to a quick q&a.

So, now we're just gonna open

it up to a quick q&a.

Oh, my god.

What festivals do you plan on

submitting this to?

This is shoe-in for Sundance.

"Canise."

Cannes, cannes.

The one... the one in France.

Like, that...

Peanut butter and smelly.