Original subtitles

Narrator: Coming up, who

tells murr to put a sock in it?

I'm not gonna put up with it.

What the...

Narrator: What has q drinking

on the job?

I'm so hot!

Narrator: And what's got Joe

all hot and bothered?

A pretentious fact about

us... we know nothing about art.

Today, we'll take turns

teaching an advanced art class.

To add a splash of color,

we'll have to do and say what

the other guys tell us.

If you refuse to do what

you're told, you lose.

What's up with the hat, man?

Arty.

Hey, guys. How are you?

Good. How are you?

Nice to meet you.

Grab an easel you feel

comfortable at.

You can paint the whole table,

if you like, or if you like to

pick one thing and concentrate

on it, that's just as well.

Let's begin.

Go back to that girl there to

the right.

I do have a suggestion for

you.

That's good.

I do have a suggestion.

You know what would really

help that painting...

What would really help, I

think, the painting...

Yeah?

Is a ninja.

You have, uh...

You have the background.

That's gonna set a nice tone.

As a matter of fact...

Just a suggestion...

Might be cool if you put,

like, a... added a ninja in

there.

Sal, make the same suggestion

to the girl next to you.

You know what would be a good

idea?

If, behind the roses on the

table...

maybe you drop a nin...

maybe you drop a ninja in

there.

All right, go up to the woman

in the gray sweater.

Let me ask you a question.

Let me ask you a question.

You think I have a shot with

"red pants" behind us?

The room is so quiet.

They can hear every

conversation.

You think I got a shot with

red pants behind us?

No.

Are you talking about me?

Sick art.

"Sick art."

Go up to the girl in red

pants.

I like that you went with

blue.

I just want a little

contrast.

Okay.

Let me ask you a quick

question.

Let me ask you a quick

question.

Yeah?

You think I got a shot with

the girl in the gray sweater?

Oh, my god.

Do you...

you think I got a shot with

the girl in the gray sweater?

She's got a couple rings on

her finger.

I don't know about it.

Doing good so far, buddy.

I'm gonna turn this up a notch.

Go up to the woman up in the

front with the black shirt on.

Ask to borrow a paintbrush for a

second.

Can I show you something?

Now paint a ninja.

Oh, my god.

Right on her canvass?

Paint a ninja in the

painting.

What I'd also want to do

here...

And god help us all...

is...

You want to add a ninja in here.

So, what you're gonna do is...

Do it. Finish the ninja.

You want to add this guy

in.

This is a ninja hiding behind

the fruit, waiting to pounce.

And they carry swords.

Okay. There you go.

My god.

See, I feel that murr is at a

disadvantage right now because

art is evoked from things like

human emotion and human

feelings.

Do you know what feelings

are, murr?

Paint by

numbers.

Hi, everybody. How are you?

Murr, there's a paintbrush on

that back table.

Why don't you pick it up.

Start hitting people's canvasses

with it.

There you go... the girl on the

left.

Ah!

It's great. Yeah, keep it up.

Oh, you're doing that big Rose

there?

All right, beat the hell out

of this thing like it owes you

money.

Beat the hell out of it.

Do it, bro.

The hard part of the Rose is

trying to get the exact

perspective right.

Obviously, yours looks almost

one-dimensional.

The hard part, though, is the

depth of the Rose.

Beautiful.

You got a lip balm in your

pocket, right, bud?

He always does.

I won't lend him mine.

Take it out and just apply it

to yourself.

Help her.

Don't stop applying your lip

balm.

The second Rose...

Yeah, there it is.

Oh, my god.

The girl behind you is flipping

out.

Keep doing it.

Something light, as if...

Imagine, like, it's in, like, a

country setting or something

like that, you know?

Her hand.

She wants to say something so

bad.

Try a glass of wine, too.

Great. Keep up the great work.

You guys are doing a great job.

And that's not just lip

service.

And that's not just lip

service.

She appreciates a bad joke.

All right, murr, take out your

phone and have an inappropriate

phone call right in front of

this class.

I can't talk right now.

I'm teaching.

Your girlfriend just decided

to break up with you.

What do you mean it's not

working out?

So help me god, if you say

Dalton...

So help me god, if you say

Dalton...

Is Dalton there with you?

You put him on the damn

phone right now.

Let me talk to him.

I got to get back to work.

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No! You understand me?

Don't touch my baseball cards.

Just go, "hold on, hold on."

Hold on, hold on.

Turn around, be like, "does

anybody need any more

paint?"

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Anyone need any more

paint?

My name's Joe.

I'm your instructor today.

Welcome to artevino.

Art is the smartest of all

the deadbeat careers.

Guys, just remember... art is

the smartest of all the deadbeat

careers out there.

Yeah, I'm a full-time artist.

I'm a full-time artist.

Straight-up deadbeat.

Joe, keep censoring your own

bad words.

How long have I been

painting?

I've been painting for two

beeping years.

That's how I met my...

Beep of a beeping ex-girlfriend.

She was a great beep, though.

One hell of a beep, though.

Keep going with it.

Keep going with it.

I caught her in the back sucking

some guy's beep.

My grandmother was a great

painter.

My grandmother was a great

painter.

She taught me three things...

She taught me three things,

really, about it...

how to draw a tree...

how to draw a tree...

how to paint a man...

how to paint a man...

and how to please a woman.

And how to...

Your grandma taught you?

It was...

Grandma.

Grandma. Escaping me.

That third one's escaping me.

Narrator: Coming up, has q

he just grabbed the bottle

and took a drink.

No one told you to drink from

the wine bottle, you jerk.

No one told me not to.

You don't talk to us.

That just meant nothing to

everyone in there.

Who did you say that to?

Who do they think you're

talking to?

Q, power-walk to the guy in

the back.

Then say, "I must paint you

nude."

I must paint you nude.

We'll schedule that after class.

It's a whole different thing.

Okay, grab that easel and

show them how to paint.

You are better off vomiting

onto that canvass.

It would look better than

whatever you're gonna paint.

Now, the thing to remember

is... I'm a little color-blind.

The wine bottle over here.

Now here is my cat.

He's a black cat.

Now, guys, this is available

for sale.

I'm in a tough spot right now.

Now, guys, this is available

for sale.

I'm in a tough spot right now.

Got evicted last week.

I got evicted last week.

Put your paint down.

Take your hat off and start

going table to table with your

hat out in your hand and beg for

money.

Oh, my...

This is humiliating.

Dude, go to the girl in the

front.

Did you have any money?

Okay, okay.

He's begging.

Sir, I don't know if you

could, but I'm in a little rough

spot.

I could...

Thank you.

Narrator: Joe painted himself

into a corner and ended up on

the loser board.

What is art really?

Well, art's subjective.

Like, if I nail a hot dog to

a wooden door...

art.

I'll buy it... 100 bucks.

It's $200. I'm sorry.

I'll give you $250.

Done.

Let's talk about the art of

negotiation.

Tonight, we're just hanging

out at a bar, playing some

darts.

But each segment of the dart

board will have a ridiculous

task written on it.

Whatever stupid thing that

your dart hits you have to do.

If you can't complete the

task, you lose.

Narrator: It's a double down

challenge.

You guys don't know this, but

I used to... I trained, when I

was younger, to be a ninja, and

I was good with throwing cards.

I know that's not true.

Joker's choice!

Joker's choice!

All right.

Whole board, whatever you

want.

All right.

I guess I'll baby-talk a guy.

Why didn't you pick $50?

Oh, I can pick the middle?

Oh, wait! I change my mind!

I didn't know I could pick the

middle.

I didn't know I could pick the

middle!

Joey!

Are you ready to go?

Bottle of milk,

please.

Man, I think the most

important lesson that you could

learn from this whole thing is

that when you have a choice...

Take $50.

Take $50.

How about this big, buff guy?

This guy's

perfect!

The guy's a foot taller than

you.

Too tall, are

you getting a drinky-winky?

You drink beers?

You drink beers.

You sound like a

yoda/elmer fudd.

That's who you sound like,

right?

Yeah, it's bizarre.

That's so good you drink the

beers.

You ever been here before?

No.

Do you like it?

He likes it!

That's a big pitcher.

You got a big pitcher.

You got a big pitcher.

Man of few words you are.

Ready?

Get your upper thigh rubbed!

You got to get your upper

thigh rubbed.

How am I supposed to get it

rubbed?

Now, q, I mean, that's up

here.

Upper thigh, buddy.

Upper thigh, not your lower

thigh.

What's up, bro?

How you doing?

Want to rub that thigh?

He gave him the offer.

What are you?

A construction worker?

He thinks he's got something

on his thigh.

My thigh.

My thigh, yeah?

Nice, right?

Want to get a rub on that?

This...

Listen, this thigh-rubbing offer

ain't gonna stand all day.

Get in there. Get in there.

Last guy who rubbed my thigh won

the powerball.

Yeah. Hey! All right!

Yeah! Just two dudes rubbing

thighs in bars.

That's all.

He picked the guy who was

ready to play ball... Literally.

Is there any chance that dart

can be thrown, make a u-turn,

come back, and stab you in the

chest?

All: Oh!

Sock in your mouth!

Murr, where are you?

Here, we see the murr in his

natural habitat.

I'm having a bad day, man.

I'm supposed to meet my girl

here, right?

We're gonna have drinks.

She calls me up.

She says, "I don't want to see

you anymore because I think your

feet look weird."

That my feet look weird.

I've never heard that in my

life.

See?

But it looks fine.

Like, take a look, right?

Your foot looks worse?

Let me see.

Oh.

Let me see one real quick.

I just want to see real quick.

He gets people to do this

it's unreal.

I'll hold this for you.

Aah! Aah!

That looks totally fine, man.

That looks completely fine.

It looks completely fine.

I'm gonna tell her...

We're moments away from

insertion.

I feel like prom night.

Real quick.

I just want to see real quick.

No, he doesn't!

No, he doesn't!

Don't do it.

Please don't do it.

I am not gonna put up with it

at all.

I'm not gonna put up with it.

You like that?

Is that good for you, man?

What the

oh!

I'm just really emotional.

Was that the taste of victory

or the taste of de-feet?

Dart time.

Oh!

"Royal kiss" a dude's hand.

You know what that is.

That this?

That's this.

Is that that?

"Bro, kiss my hand."

All right. I bid you adieu.

Welcome, sire.

Oh, look at him.

Royal-kissing dudes's hands.

How does his hair look so

neat and in place, and then the

second you get here, it's like a

car accident?

Sal, you're like Don draper up

top and elephant man down below

with, like, the two hair

differences going on.

I'm afraid someone's gonna

punch me in the face.

There's a guy to your left.

Oops.

Sorry.

Thank you.

I didn't mean to do that,

man.

Crazy. But thanks.

Thanks for picking that up for

me.

I appreciate that. Okay.

Cheers.

That wasn't royal.

That don't count.

Remember, this is a royal

hand kiss, not just kissing the

hand.

I don't know why I did that.

I was so in a tizzy.

I just...

He just wiped his hand.

"That was weird."

Narrator: Sal couldn't score

a win, so he's tonight's big

loser.

Sal's our loser and, also, a

particularly stressed-out little

man.

So we've created a

presentation that you have to go

in there and deliver, teaching

people how not to sweat the

small things.

'Cause if there's one thing

you do really well, my friend,

it is sweating the small things.

I'm sweating already.

I know.

Hey, everyone. How are you?

I don't know how we could do

anything worse.

So, today's seminar, of

course, and you guys know is

"don't sweat the small things:

How to create a stress-free

life."

He's the most stressed out of

all of us.

He lives the most stressed

life ever.

Let's begin.

Lots of people are worried about

threats to their health, like

cancer and diabetes.

They should be worried, instead,

about the silent killer, which

is stress, right.

I'm actually nervous.

You don't have control over

the amount of stress you

encounter in the outside world,

but there's one place that you

can control...

Your home.

Okay.

That is sal's house.

We know where sal hides his

key.

It's right there.

Come on in, guys.

Let's see what's going on in

sal's house.

Now he knows that we're in his

house.

In his house.

Moving on...

Consider a pet.

That's my cat in sal's bed.

He's in shock.

Let's move on.

Eat right.

If you're in a hurry, make sure

to grab some breakfast.

Sal's milk.

That's sal's.

That's still at sal's house.

That's sal's peanut butter.

Wait for it. Wait for it.

And it goes... Right back in the

jar of peanut butter!

Look at this guy.

He's like, "that peanut butter

was violated."

Don't stress about germs.

Oh, god.

Now, I used to live life as,

like, a germophobe, really.

Used to?

What's this "used to," sal?

I don't like touching

handles, public restrooms,

things like that.

I'm so sick.

That's sal's couch.

Here you go.

Just shove that right between

the cushions.

That tissue is still in your

couch.

I'm so hot! Oh, god!

Oh, it's getting more

comfortable.

Oh, my god.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, he didn't wash his hands!

Oh!

That's your toothbrush.

And there it is.

I thought that one would get

you.

You want to make sure to

maintain proper hygiene, which

is why I don't go into public

restrooms, which is why I always

thought that my private bathroom

was safe.

Okay.

Get to know your neighbors.

A sense of community can make

all the difference.

"Be friendly with the

neighbors."

"Be friendly."

Oh!

Oh!

Hi, neighbors.

Oh!

Hi, neighbors.

Hello, neighbors.

Stress...

Oh, god.

All right, I have to move

because there's no doubt I have

probably hepatitis "a" through

zed.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Please tell me that wasn't my

real toothbrush, please.

What is wrong with you people?

Don't lose.

My neighbors.

Stop losing and stop going

away for three or four days.

You went while I was on

vacation?!

How'd you get into my house?

Which one of my family members

did it?

We're not saying a word.

The person you'd least

suspect, though, I promise you

that.

My mother?

Did you take your shoes off?

I took more than my shoes

off.