Original subtitles

Narrator: Coming up, what

happens when murr asks all the

wrong questions?

When's the last time you made

love?

Oh!

Oh, my god.

Narrator: Will sal get too

close for comfort?

Has anyone been invading your

personal space?

Narrator: Can Joe find an old

friend before it's too late?

Larry! Larry!!

Narrator: In our first-ever

all "joker vs. Joker" special.

Oh!

All right, boys. I'm all in.

Oh!

Oh!

Let's see 'em.

There you go!

Boom! That is a king!

That is a single king!

I got two spades and an old

maid!

I'll take your old maid and

raise you a royal flush.

Sal!

Guys!

There is only one single way to

settle this.

A head-to-head

"joker vs. Joker" episode...

All: To see who's the best.

We're at the mall giving palm

readings to shoppers.

But as we read their palms,

we've got to do and say what

we're told.

The goal is to get a tip.

If you can't get a tip, you

lose.

Sal, do you want your palm

read?

Mm.

Ow!

It's red.

Damn it!

What's your name, bud?

Miguel.

Miguel. Okay, Miguel.

This is your life line here.

This is how you... you can tell

you've got a good hand here.

The more lines you have, the

more information you get.

Joe, give this reading like

an old gypsy woman.

The whole time.

Uh...

I can't wait to hear what his

voice will be.

You need to

remember that when you, as a

boy, grow up... you need to

remember that there are demons.

That will sometimes boo in your

face and stab in the back, so,

sometimes, you need to take it

in and pull it out, take it

in...

keep it together!

Keep it together!

That is not a gypsy.

This is the best gypsy I

know.

So, I go with.

Joe, do as many quotes as you

can.

Four score and seven years

ago, I had a dream.

What does that

have to do with anything?

With great power, comes great

responsibility.

Do as many movie quotes as

you can.

King Kong ain't got nothing

on me.

Nobody said stop.

Help me Obi-Wan.

You're my only hope.

Run, forrest, run.

I ain't afraid of no ghosts.

Me neither.

Who are you gonna call?

The ghostbusters?

The ghostbusters.

Show me the money.

Oh, I got no money.

Oh, you got no money.

After all that bull

there's no cash-eesh.

Have you ever had your palms

read before?

Never.

I will tell you, your life

line goes deep.

Oh, it looks right here,

though, you might have a little

bit of a rough patch.

It looks like right here you

might have a little bit of a

rough patch.

You should moisturize.

You should...

Uh, you should moisturize.

Okay.

Yeah, it'll get rid of that

rough patch.

Okay, I can tell...

Okay, I can tell...

by looking at your palm...

by looking at your palm...

that you're black.

That you're black.

Let's get the energy up.

Let's get the energy up here

a little bit.

Shake them out a little bit.

I want to get a sense of the

energy.

Now put his hands right on

your face.

Okay, put your hands up like

this for me.

Okay, I want to get a sense of

your aura.

Ready? Go.

Nice.

We see you, murr.

We see you. Peek-a-boo.

Murr, keep reading with your

cheeks smushed.

So, your life line is very

deep.

Yeah.

I sense that you're going to

live to your 80's.

I'm trying to give you a very

accurate reading.

I'm trying to get a very

accurate reading.

'Cause one thing I don't like

are ridiculous readings.

You know, sometimes you get a

reading and it's just... it's

just ridiculous.

If you feel like you've had a

good reading, you're more than

welcome to give a tip, but you

don't have to.

I would love to tip you, but

this is what my tip went to.

So, no tip?

My tip line is empty.

Yeah, that's right.

If you knew tomorrow was your

last day, what would you do?

I'd be on a rampage... Blaze

of glory.

I'd be throwing pastries in my

face.

I'd be making out with everyone.

I'd probably set something on

fire.

That's your rampage?

Eating pastry?

A lot of pastries.

That's what you do now.

The paramedics are here.

Today we're offering free

medical exams to people on the

streets.

During the checkup, you'll

have to do and say what the

other guys tell you.

And if you refuse, you lose.

Yeah!

Ow!

All right, sir.

You'll feel a little pressure.

Normal, obviously.

Now, keep in mind with this

number, world-trained athletes

have 120 over 80.

Keep in mind with this

number, world-trained athletes

have 120 over 80.

Fat pieces of like

me...

Well, I'll tell you, for a

big, old, fat sack of

like me, I'm like 2 million over

1 million.

I have to put my belt on with

a boomerang.

I got to put my belt on with

a boomerang.

Seriously, if I broke my arm,

gravy would come out.

If my arm broke off, gravy

would shoot out.

My high-school yearbook photo

was an aerial shot.

My high-school yearbook photo

was an aerial shot.

I'm afraid to jump, 'cause I

might get stuck.

I'm afraid to jump, 'cause I

might get stuck.

You know that old, stupid joke,

right?

Just look into the light

here.

Directly in.

Shoot straight with me,

John.

So, shoot straight with me,

John.

How long have you had these

cooties?

How long have you had these

cooties that you have?

Cooties?

Yeah.

I didn't even know about

them.

Easy peasy.

I'm gonna blast two

suppositories up your ass and

call me in the morning.

John, John, John-boy.

All right, John.

Easy peasy, John.

I'm gonna blast...

Easy peasy, John, I'm gonna

blast...

I'm gonna blast two

suppositories up your ass...

I got it! I got it, John.

I got it here, John.

Okay.

Easy peasy, buddy, I'm gonna

blast two...

Easy peasy, John, I'm gonna

blast two...

John.

How are you? You okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, cool.

Joe, use nonsensical terms

for everything.

Okay, so, do you have a

problem with your epigalapagos

or your...

Your epigalapagos.

No?

And you ever suffered from

conjunctasaurus Rex?

All right.

Any problems downstairs with

the Swahili nations?

No, they're okay?

And the veggie couscous is

feeling okay?

And about your Singapore

express... it's all good?

Narrator: Coming up, will q

bite off more than he can chew?

Do you bite your nails?

Nope.

Do you mind if I do?

Narrator: And later, will

murr find what he's looking for?

Can either of you recommend,

like, a low-end...

A low-end what?

Rub 'n' tug place around

giving mani-pedis.

What is a mani-pedi and how

do I give it?

I don't know.

We have to do and say

whatever the other guys tell us.

And if you refuse, you lose.

Women... they know how to

treat themselves.

Yeah, women do this.

Women do this.

Women get massages.

They do manicure-pedicures.

The cucumber face.

Mud face.

Mud bath.

Yeah.

Right? Steams, salts.

You don't treat yourself the

way you should.

You're right.

I don't treat myself like I

should.

I'm gonna start treating myself

like a woman.

I treat myself like a woman

every single weekend.

We treat you like a woman,

too.

So, what in this picture

doesn't belong?

Right?

There it is.

Hello.

Hi. I'm Brian. How are you?

Okay. Lay your hands out.

Do you bite your nails?

Do you bite your nails?

Do you mind if I do?

Do you mind if I do?

Oh, okay. What a shame.

Can you tell about what

really chaps your ass?

I'll tell you what really

chaps my ass, though, is, uh...

Like how soccer in the

United States isn't, like,

really respected as much as

football.

That really, really chaps my

ass.

See if you can get her to say

what chaps her ass.

What chaps your ass?

Chaps your ass.

Had my first colonoscopy last

night.

You know what a colo...

Colonos... colonoscopy is?

Yeah, my first one ever.

Really chapped my ass.

Really...

It really chapped my ass.

Sophie? James.

Nice to meet you.

Welcome.

You ever been here before?

Yes.

Great.

Murr, what's the matter

buddy?

You look a little famished.

Yeah! You're looking hungry.

So, murr, there's a little

package on the left right there.

We got your lunch.

We got you some ribs.

Just take it out of the bag and

put it in your mouth.

You're...

All right, murr.

Murr, you're disgusting.

Ugh. Oh, my...

drop a rib in that water and

just have a rib floating around

in the water.

Oh!

Pick it up and eat it.

Now eat it.

Now eat it!

Eat it!

Eat it!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, my god.

You guys, uh, take care of

your eyebrows?

I have to.

Yeah, I meant to talk to you

about that, q.

You look like Bert from Bert and

Ernie.

I actually shave my eyebrows

with a straight razor.

Is that weird?

That is weird.

We'll catch up with you guys

later.

We're posing as receptionists

in a waiting room at a

chiropractor's office, and

we have to do what the other

guys tell us.

And if you refuse, you lose.

We all look so good in our

suits.

I look professional.

No, you look like a corporate

Fred flintstone.

How are you?

Okay. How are you doing?

Good.

You can just sign in right over

here.

Yes, sir.

Hey, can either of you

recommend a low-end rub 'n' tug

spot around here?

I just, uh...

Can either of you recommend,

like, a low-end...

Rub 'n' tug place around here?

A low-end what?

A low-end rub 'n' tug place.

Uh, like, a low-end rub 'n' tug

place?

A rug 'n' tub.

Yes.

I thought you said a

"rub 'n' tug."

No, I said "rug 'n' tub,"

actually.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm sorry.

A rug 'n' tub place, sir.

I'm furnishing my apartment.

I just moved to New York two

weeks ago.

Oh! A rug and tub.

Bed bath & beyond, okay?

Okay. That's great.

Yeah, bed bath & beyond.

Okay, so I'll go to

bed bath & beyond.

Do you guys know a place to get

jerked off?

Hi, scooter. How are you?

Right here.

How you doing?

Good. This is for you.

Joe, the mail's got to go

out.

Where's Larry?

You got to find Larry, bro.

Larry.

Larry.

Joe, these fedexes got to go

out.

You need Larry.

Larry!

He's got to get these out by

8:45.

Larry.

I mean, they only got 10

minutes.

Larry. Larry.

Larry!

He's got to be down on two.

Should send a message to Larry.

Send.

Larry!

Where's Larry?

Larry! Larry!

Where is he, buddy?

Larry!

Larry!

Larry!!

Narrator: Coming up, what's

pizza.

Well, guess what.

We're gonna make it infamous.

We're at da Vince pizzeria

helping customers get a slice.

Oh!

We got to do and say whatever

we're told.

If you refuse, you lose.

All: Oh!

How are you, sir?

Two slices, stay or to go?

That'll be $5, sir.

Real quick.

Real quick.

When's the last time you made

love?

That's $5.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

When's the last time you made

love?

Last night?

Oh!

I love this guy.

I love this guy.

I got to tell you, I love

pizza.

My grandfather taught me two

things.

My grandfather taught me two

things.

How to make great pizza.

One, how to make great pizza.

Two...

Two...

how to French kiss.

Two, how to French kiss.

How are you?

Three slices of round to go,

and I need them sliced in half.

Does she remind you of

someone?

She does remind me of

somebody.

I think it's her jacket.

I got it.

Beetlejuice, beetlejuice,

beetlejuice.

Go up to her and go,

"beetlejuice, beetlejuice,

beetlejuice."

Okay, it'll be ready in just

one second, okay?

No rush.

Murr, ask her if she wants a

hero.

Ma'am, do you want a hero?

Six foot, seven foot, eight

foot.

No way.

All right, stop showing off.

One slice? Yes.

Q, do me a favor.

Just get awkwardly close to this

guy and just stare into his

eyes.

Look right into this guy's soul,

and do some soul-searching.

I haven't seen you here

before.

Yeah, no. I'm new.

Q, win this staring contest

or you lose.

Deep in there.

He's been through some stuff,

this guy.

His soul's in there deeper.

This is getting intense down

there.

The battle is on.

Keep staring.

This guy's looking back into

the q's soul.

Yeah, he's not gonna like

what he sees.

He's seeing your soul and

raising you one.

Q wins the contest.

Well, we wanted to be

lifeguards, but they said we

couldn't.

Who they?

They, you know who they are.

They.

So, instead, we are

patrolling the beach, and we've

got to do and say what we're

told.

If you refuse, you lose and

they win.

Who they?

Q, go over to that tent.

Hello.

Hi.

My name's Brian.

I'm from beach patrol.

How are you?

We got a report that somebody

in the area was pitching a tent.

And you guys have a tent here,

so I just wanted to make sure

everything was okay.

So, crawl through that tent,

q.

So, oh, boy. Look at this.

You got a nice setup in here.

Well, I got to tell you, it's an

absolute pleasure to meet you,

ladies.

And, you know, I'm just gonna

patrol the beach.

If you guys need me, just scream

out for me.

It just got weird.

It just got weird.

It got quiet.

You just break in and

entered.

I don't feel like you guys

understand the power of long,

flowing hair on a beach.

Everybody that comes to this

beach just seems to me to be an

absolutely lovely person.

I just got to do a quick

camel toe check.

Just gonna do a quick...

Time check.

Yeah, there you go.

Yep, 12:30.

Ladies, thank you very much.

Are you guys okay?

Do you need help with anything?

No, it's okay.

You sure it's... okay.

Sal, there's too many

umbrellas open on this beach,

buddy.

Blocking the view, too.

I can't see over those

umbrellas.

Why don't you start closing

some umbrellas out there?

How we doing?

How's everything? Okay?

Can I just do this here and put

that like that just to keep it

in control.

Everyone good?

Yeah.

And we're just gonna do one

of these.

Be good, guys. Enjoy the day.

Guys, how we doing?

Everybody okay?

Good, good.

Everybody have sun block or

anything?

Be careful.

The water's a little bit heavy

today.

Just gonna do this with this

guy.

We're just gonna do that.

Watch your head there.

All right, I'll watch my head.

We're just gonna... we're just

gonna do it like that.

All right, have a great day.

Sal, you see the couple right

behind you?

Sneak up behind them and whisper

right to their ears.

Oh, here goes nothing.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Oh, my...

are you guys safe?

Everything's okay?

Anybody bothering you or

anything like that?

Has anyone been invading your

personal space?

No.

You know, I'm deathly afraid

of getting eaten by a shark.

You mean you're scared of it

right now while you're on land?

Yes.

I'll tell you what the

scariest thing in the world

would be... hands down, if a

shark could chase you to the

shoreline and then, at that

point, get up on legs and chase

after you.

Sal and q have to play a

little game we like to call miss

and a swing.

What is miss and a swing?

It's pretty simple.

All you've got to do, gentlemen,

is sink one shot from the top of

the key.

That's it.

That's not it.

That's not it.

That's not it.

Every time you miss, you're

gonna get whacked in the leg by

this little girl.

In front of this crowd.

All: Yeah!

Both: Miss and a swing!

All right, q, let's do it.

Let me tell you right now who

I'm not afraid of... this punk

right here.

Is he trash-talking a

5th-grade girl?

Oh, you scared.

I'm in your head.

All right, I don't want to

have to call the police.

Could you just take a shot, q?

I can't wait till she gets to

unload.

You're not even gonna hit the

backboard.

Q, just hit one shot, and you

don't get hit at all.

All: Oh!

Hit him. Hit him. Hit him.

Get him!

Aah!

Good job. Good job. Yeah!

She packs a wallop.

You make this shot, you're

done.

All: Oh!

Please don't...

Oh, my god, she...

oh, right in the shin.

Oh, my god.

That was awful.

Hey, that was terrible.

Wait, please.

Aah! Oh!

Oh, I said, "please don't!"

She hit him in the kneecap.

Right in. Right in. Right in.

I got somewhere to be.

You don't know what it's like

to have... oh, my god.

Aah!

What? I didn't hear you.

I didn't catch that.

Hold on. Ready?

He's going old-school.

Q's going old-school.

Aah!

Oh

Look how disheveled q looks

right now.

You're a mess, man.

I'm gonna wrap this up.

I'm gonna wrap this up right

now.

Right in, right in!

Whoo! Yeah!

In your face! In your face!

Let's go, sal.

Come on, sal. You're up, boy.

Aah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Thank god.

Thank god.

Aah!

Oh, that was so wrong!