Original subtitles

Narrator: Coming up...

We need to settle this,

please.

Narrator: Why are things

getting ugly between murr and q?

What has sal feeling romantic?

I love you.

This guy is ripped.

Narrator: How will Joe talk

his way out of this one?

What do you do to work out

your ponytail, cupcake?

Right.

What do you, uh...

Narrator: And tonight's big

loser will be forced to reveal

excruciating secrets in our most

revealing punishment yet.

We're back in the mall for a

rematch, trying to figure out

who's the best debater.

We're going head-to-head,

tournament-style, asking

strangers to settle the most

ridiculous of debates.

But the topic of our debate

will be given to us by the other

guys.

We've got to get someone to

agree with our stance, no matter

how bizarre it may be.

If you can't get the stranger

to say you're right, you lose.

I will be defending my

championship.

You're going down!

Unh-unh.

You're the guy to beat, my

friend.

I'm so gonna lose.

Who do you think is in a

worse position... q or murr?

Ooh, this is real tough one.

No one wants to agree with

Murray, just 'cause of his face,

and no one can understand what

q's saying.

I don't know, man.

I disagree with you.

What if we let her settle it?

Excuse me, ma'am, do you mind

settling an argument?

Two seconds.

You're the judge.

It's in your hands who wins

this.

Murr this one's for you.

I say I'm uglier than he is...

I...

I say I'm uglier than he is.

Hey, q.

Say, "I'm uglier than he is."

And I say I'm uglier than he

is.

Hear us out.

Have you seen my hair? R?

'Cause I haven't.

I kind of look like

Rosie O'Donnell, which, for a

woman, is attractive, but, for a

man, that's probably not what a

woman wants to see coming at her

in the middle of the night.

Have you ever seen a picture

of a ferret?

A beady-eyed, weird-looking

ferret with a small head?

That is what I look like.

I look like my neck threw up

all over the place and grew,

like, hippie hair.

Underneath my shirt is more

chest hair than you've ever seen

in your entire life.

It is not handsome.

You have beautiful eyes.

Use those beautiful eyes to look

at this ugly face.

Use your heart and look at

me.

We need to settle this,

please.

We need to settle it, once

and for all.

It's so funny that the real

answer is gonna crush one of

you.

I'm uglier?

I'm uglier?

Kind of a victory, I guess.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Well, I won that one.

No, no, no, I won that one.

Who do you think is gonna win

between Joe and sal?

Well, here's the thing.

Sal is exhausting to argue with.

He is.

He just doesn't let go.

He's the worst.

So, if he just brings a tenth

of that annoying fire to this

argument, he's got it.

I think you're wrong.

Ask him.

I don't think so.

Let him settle it.

Could you settle a bet for us,

bud?

Now, Joe, what's a worse

medical condition...

Which is a worse medical

condition...

my body lice...

my body lice...

Now, sal...

Or my foot fungus?

Or my foot fungus?

Okay?

I'm up all night scratching and

itching.

I got body lice all up in me...

Every crevice, every orifice,

and that's what I'm dealing with

every day of the week.

I'm on my feet all day long.

There's never a time where this

isn't irritating me.

Plus, it's a fungus.

Gross.

I can't be with a woman because

I can't take my socks off.

I mean, I can't be with a

woman.

I mean, their whole bed is

ruined.

Oh!

Appreciate your time.

Sal, you lost.

Sal, down in flames.

And the gladiators head to

the final challenge.

How did you and I lose?

We're the ones that argue the

most.

I know.

Must I listen to the loser's

circle while...

may the best winner win.

Finally, a challenge.

I see your point, but I don't

think you're right.

You don't think...

Well, we could argue this all

day.

Why don't we ask this gentleman?

Excuse me, bud.

Sir?

Could you help us settle an

argument real quick?

Real quick.

So, Joe, which has

contributed more to society?

Which has contributed more to

society?

I think it's reverse osmosis.

I think it's reverse osmosis.

And, q, I think it's cold

fusion.

I think it's cold fusion.

Okay?

So, now, reverse osmosis is

really taking a toll on the

environment here with all the

water that's out there.

You got all the water and the

reversing it, and you're making

water.

Yeah, yeah.

However, cold fusion is

single-handedly responsible...

For what?

For... video-game systems.

What?!

Every video-game system, from

the n.E.S. To the PlayStation,

every one has cold fusion.

Reverse osmosis, really, is

what they use to make the

controllers.

See what I'm saying?

You can't have video games if

you don't have controllers.

Yeah, today, but what about

in the future?

Everything out there is all

hands-free now.

You want to do this, you do that

on the screen.

You don't even need...

yeah, but reverse osmosis is

the reason why you're able to

sweat.

If you can't sweat, then how you

gonna even move around?

Yeah, but cold fusion also

powersrs air-conditioners, which

cools you down, your whole house

down.

You guys go to do something

to make him pick one, or else

both of you lose.

You're gonna die without

reverse osmosis.

What do you think?

You're gonna walk out of here

and be dead.

Do you want to be dead?

You're gonna die.

You and your family, your loved

ones... dead.

Life is not worth living

without cold fusion.

Earth would stop spinning

without reverse osmosis.

But if you had to pick one...

Just tell me you want to kill

all your friends.

You want to kill all your

family?

Say it, go ahead, go ahead.

Just tell me...

yeah, but 51 in which

direction?

Video games.

Boom!

Kill everybody!

Cold fusion!

Everybody's dead, playing

video games in coffins.

Cold fusion wins every time.

It was only 51-49, though.

I was so close.

Narrator: It was an ugly win

for q, putting Joe, sal, and

murr on the loser board.

Sal is impossible to win an

argument against.

Yep.

'Cause you remember every

detail of every fight we've ever

had.

None of this is true.

First of all, we already had

this argument 18 years ago.

Salsa!

Ballroom!

Swing!

These are the classes we'll

be teaching here at stepping out

studios.

While leading the class,

we've got to do and say what

we're told.

And if you refuse, you lose.

Narrator: It's sal and q in

the joker vs. Joker challenge.

You know, your body moves

like jello... good jello with

rhythm, but I'm just saying.

I'll do a little salsa.

Yeah, we get it, you're

Mexican.

Your grandfather was born on the

Mexican flag.

I'm not Mexican.

How's everybody doing?

Introduce yourself, bud.

My name is sal.

I fell in love with salsa about

10 years ago.

So, just loosen up real quick.

Have dead arms.

Really swing loose there,

buddy, with dead arms.

Uh, my stretching

technique...

Faster, buddy.

Just start hitting yourself.

Gregory hines taught me this.

Gregory hines taught me this.

Sal, introduce yourself

again.

So, you know, my name is sal.

I fell in love with dance about

10 years ago, and I've been

doing it ever since.

Partner up.

Gentlemen will lead.

You want to keep your arms

squared off at the top.

Great, great.

Very good.

So, guys...

Introduce yourself.

Let me tell you a little

about myself.

I'm sal.

I fell in love with salsa about

10 years ago, and I've been

learning it ever since.

Very good.

Sal, partner up with one of

the guys.

Yeah.

Why don't we switch up?

You guys go ahead.

You, sir.

You, sir.

We'll partner up.

It's okay, 'cause I want to see

how you lead.

Look him in the eyes and

whisper, "I love you."

I love you.

Sal, slowly lower your hand

down his back.

Lower.

That was it!

That w it!

Notice how my hand is nice

and high?

Oh, I didn't know q was

teaching disco.

He's not.

He's teaching g swing.

Oh, look at him.

He's warming up.

You can't dance.

Hi, hello.

We're gonna do a little swing

dancing today.

First things first...

First things first...

Has everyone left their

bull at the door?

Has everyone left

uh...

Has everybody left their

bull at the door?

'Cause we're here to dance.

Because we're here to dance.

No bull

when's the last time you cut

loose?

When's the last time you cut

loose?

Tell everyone, "hold on, hold

on."

All right, hold on.

Hold on.

Hold on.

I just cut loose.

That's right, I just cut

loose.

Ladies, pair up, pair up.

Q, swing dance.

Right.

It's a little bit... it's a

little bit like...

Right, like that.

There we go.

Look at us.

This is a simple maneuver.

Try and do that.

Let's see what you got.

Just do some of that, yeah.

Everybody kick.

There you go.

Like that.

That is not swing dancing.

They're doing it.

Are we having fun or what?

Narrator: There's only so low

sal would go, so now he's

leading the dance on the loser

board.

Did you always never have

rhythm?

I just feel like I never had

someone to look up to who had

rhythm, you know what I mean?

You never had a dance mentor?

I always wonder about you

guys.

Like, when you hear a beat, what

happens in your body?

I feel dead inside.

We're in Times Square giving

away free tickets to a Broadway

show.

What show, pray tell?

We don't know what show.

The first time we see the

tickets is the first time we're

seeing the show title.

If you can't convince someone

to take tickets to this

ridiculous show, you lose.

Do you guys want free

Broadway tickets?

I can't go.

I just don't want them to go to

waste.

You want free Broadway tickets?

I can't go to the show tonight.

I'm giving away my tickets.

It's, uh...

"Nancy Reagan on ice."

Hey, what's that show about,

buddy?

You know, the former first

lady.

It's not even ice capades.

They just bring her out in a

block of ice for a viewing.

Nancy Reagan's alive.

Does it interest you?

Would you like to go see it?

You're leaving right now?

Together: Ah.

No problem, guys.

Could you guys use free tickets?

I can't go.

I just want to give them away.

I'm not selling them or

anything.

It's, uh...

The show is called...

"Cakes on a train."

Have you heard of it?

What happens in it?

Good question.

Samuel l. Jackson's pissed

again.

It's right here.

It's a block away.

Thank you, guys.

I really appreciate it.

Guys, do you want my tickets?

They're free if you want.

I can't use them for tonight.

Do you want them?

It's, uh...

The show is, um...

Uh, "the whole theater gets

soaked."

It's "phantom of the Oprah."

Uh, "a raisin in the shade."

It's "céline Dion's least

favorite hits."

The show is, um, "back and to

the left."

Have you heard of it?

It's, uh...

And what happens in that

show?

He's got nothing.

He's got nothing!

It's, uh...

To the Kennedy assassination.

They've got this great number in

it.

It's, um...

He's trying sell it.

It's da-da-da-da-da-da, uh!

It's back, to the left.

So, that's a no for the tickets?

Okay.

Took a bullet on that one,

buddy.

You took a bullet on that

one, buddy.

There's a second shooter.

Hey, I got two free tickets I

don't need tonight.

Do you want them?

It's two tickets for, um, uh...

"Mike Tyson explains pigeons."

I don't know how much you know

about the pigeon population here

in New York City.

Uh, but it's told to you by

Mike Tyson.

One lucky audience member gets

punched in the throat by

heavyweight champ Mike Tyson.

So, I'm actually the lucky guy

that got punched right in the

Adam's apple.

I'm sorry if I'm talking funny.

He crushed my trachea when he

punched it.

Would you be interested in two

free tickets for tonight's show?

Q, how surprised are people

gonna be when the first words

out of your mouth are, "do you

want free tickets?," instead of,

"change? You got change?"?

I'm giving away tickets to a

show tonight.

You guys want them?

I can't go.

I'm just giving them away.

Hey, guys, I'm giving away

tickets to a show tonight.

I don't want them to go to

waste.

It's called, uh...

It's called, uh...

"Laughterbirth."

What's that about?

It's about a placenta that

drops out, hits the ground, puts

on a bow tie, and starts telling

knock-knock jokes.

It's a comedic afterbirth.

"Laughterbirth."

Who would want to see a

placenta?

Do you want them?

Uh, no.

You don't want them?

Is like, "is this thing

on?"

I just flew in from and,

boy, are my arms tired.

Narrator: Bill, murr, and q

couldn't unload their tickets,

so they're taking a seat on the

loser board.

It never fails, when I go to

a theatrical event, that I have

to get up and pee in the middle.

You're that guy.

I am that guy.

I'm the guy sitting next to

you.

How many pees can someone do

before an intermission?

Pleased to meet you.

Today, we're personal

trainers at astoria sports

complex, and we are working on

our fitness.

We'll have to do and say

whatever the other guys tell us.

And if you refuse, you lose.

Hang on to your dumbbells,

gentlemen.

This is joker vs. Joker

challenge.

You feeling confident, buddy?

Can you figure out what that

machine is for?

There you go.

You got it, buddy.

That's how you do it.

Is that what it does?

Hey, man, how you doing?

What's up?

What's y your name?

James, what's going on?

That is a big dude.

How long you been coming to

this gym?

I mean, look at the two of

them side by side.

This guy must feel like he's

staring into a fun-house mirror.

Hey, sal, after this, you're

gonna teach Bobby fischer how to

play chess.

Is that all right?

Are you ready for that, buddy?

I got a good workout for your

calves.

Let me grab these ropes.

Grab those, and grab one for

him, too.

Step on the bands.

Here.

Feet about shoulder-length

apart.

Sal, start moving your whole

body.

Make it as awkward as physically

possible.

Um...

So, I... so... so, here, you're

gonna bend your knees a little

bit.

This is called the

Wisconsin Chimichanga.

This is called the

Wisconsin Chimichanga.

Do the whole body.

Do the whole body.

How are you, bud?

Power sesh?

Sal, only let him do one rep

each.

One rep.

One-timers.

One rep is enough.

You ready?

Look in the mirror.

Count it off.

One.

All right.

Now we're gonna do it at the

same exact time.

Ready?

One.

And we're gonna go down.

One.

Okay.

Now keep him in your hand and

do one jumping Jack.

Okay, jumping Jacks.

Ready?

One.

Okay.

That's all sal can handle.

Feeling thaburn?

"A little bit."

Guys, what is this weird

place I've found myself in?

It's a gym.

A what?

Gym.

Send help.

I don't even know what goes on

in here.

You better figure it out

'cause he's coming in.

What's up, man?

How are you?

Good.

What's your name?

Billy. Joe.

Good to memeet you, bud.

This guy is ripped.

Cool. guy is ripped.

So, you come to this gym a lot?

What do you do to work out

your core?

What do you do to work out

your core?

Abs.

What do you do to work out

your ponytail, cupcake?

But what... right.

What do you, uh...

Do it.

Do it, do it.

You know what I'm saying, man?

That's it, it's over.

We're just done here.

Narrator: Joe's training

session didn't work out, so he's

tonight's big loser.

Joe is our loser, so for his

punishment, he'll be giving a

seminar as a relationship

expert.

Inside this box are love

questions submitted by the

audience.

All you got to do, buddy, is

answer each question with the

word "yes" and then explain your

way out of it.

Of course, the only thing is,

here are the questions that the

audience wrote.

And here are the absolutely

mortifying questions that we

wrote.

Joe has no idea it was

switched.

Just say yes.

You guys are up to something.

Say yes.

Hello, everyone.

Hi.

Hi.

How are you?

Thank you for coming to

"understanding the opposite sex"

with me, Joe gatto.

I take questions from the people

in the audience and help you

relate to things that you're

going through by sharing

experiences in my life about

understanding the opposite sex.

I'm just gonna get started and

answer some of the questions

that have been submitted, okay?

Ooh, a lot of questions.

Okay, someone asks, "as a woman,

is it okay to make the first

move?"

These are the normal

questions.

Uh, yes, of course it's okay

for a woman to make the first

move.

Women are empowered in this day

and age.

You should feel totally

comfortable.

You see something you like, get

out there and say something,

right?

These are good questions, guys.

Good work.

Here we go.

And so it begins.

"Has your partner ever called

out someone else's name while

making love?"

You got to say yes.

Uh, yes.

Uh, that has happened.

It's embarrassing.

I've found, in my experience,

especially when they're with me,

it seems that the wrong name is

just the status quo.

Okay.

"My wife can be so irrational at

times.

Is every woman irrational?"

Let's just soak that in for a

second.

I've never seen him this

nervous up top.

You can tell how nervous he is,

right?

I think I see what's up.

He just realized that they're

all questions.

Yeah, buddy, we wrote them.

Yep, that's what's happening.

He has to say yes.

Oh, my god.

He just told an audience full

of womomomen that they are

irrational.

"My friends think that all men

are horrible dirtbags.

Are you a horrible dirtbag?"

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Of course.

"Have you ever been impotent for

more than a year?"

Yes.

Okay.

"Have you ever made love in a

la-z-boy chair next to a cheese

fountain with a wnba player for

charity?"

How'd they find that out?

"I feel like I'm the only one

who feels this way."

I bet you're not.

"Have you ever been romantically

attracted to a family member,

too?"

[ Oh, yeah. R ]

Yes, yeah.

That's natural.

"'S natural"?

No, it's not.

And finally, "there's an

Internet rumor going around that

you're dating a 103-year-old

woman."

Yes.

Yes.

Uh, we talk a lot about, you

know, world war ii...

and world war.

There's the love making.

She's got the body of an

84-year-old, so that... she's

got that going for her.

So, yeah, that's it.

Gentlemen, a job well done.

Finally.

It's safe to say that we

actually got joeust now.