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Narrator: Coming up...
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what has murr pushed to his
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breaking point?
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Murray... Murray lost it!
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Narrator: The guys put sal up
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against the wall.
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Who put that wall there,
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right?
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I'm running for city council.
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Narrator: Q has to stand up
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for what he believes in.
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Murder is jail unless they're
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sexy.
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Narrator: And tonight's big
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loser can't dodge the most
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punishing punishment of all
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time.
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No mercy!
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We're opticians at
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j.v. Optical, checking eyes and
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taking names.
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During the exam, we'll have
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to do and say what the other
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"doctors" tell us.
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At the end, the patient has
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to rate how satisfied they are
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with our service.
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Whoever gets the lowest score
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loses.
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I'm Dr. Quinn, but you can
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call me Brian.
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Very nice to meet you.
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Please have a seat.
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When did you say your last
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eye exam was?
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When did you say your last
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eye exam was?
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Well, I had one last year.
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You had one last year?
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Yeah.
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Okay, so, you got two
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eyeballs here.
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All right.
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Well, you got two eyeballs.
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So, do you get headaches?
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Do you get... do you get...
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Do you get headaches?
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No.
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No headaches.
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I get headaches...
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I get headaches.
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When I wake up drunk in
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the gutter.
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When I, uh...
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Sometimes...
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When you wake up drunk in a
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gutter, you wake up with
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headaches.
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Yes.
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On the floor, we hid an eye
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chart for you.
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Could you hang it on the wall
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there?
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You want to read that?
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Q...
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Q...
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is...
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is...
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Q is fat.
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Fat, right.
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It keeps going, though.
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Keep going.
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It doesn't just end there.
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Like Rosie o. Like the
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person?
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Yes, exactly, like a fat
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Rosie O'Donnell.
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True or false?
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True or false?
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True or false?
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True.
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True?
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True.
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I just have to get you to rate
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your eye exam today, shawna.
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All right, all right.
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Oh, 10!
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Aah!
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Everybody loves fat Rosie o.
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Yeah.
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Thank you so much, shawna.
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I'm Dr. Vulcano.
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Hi.
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I'll be doing my best.
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How are you?
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Okay, so, just sit down.
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All right.
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On your left there, just roll
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over in the chair and give
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yourself a pep talk.
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Pep-talk it.
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Give me one sec.
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You have worked for this your
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whole life.
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You graduated at the top of your
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class.
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Forget about that cadaver's
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eye that you blew up.
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Forget about that eyeball in
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the institute.
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People have always liked you.
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Leave your baggage at the
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door.
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Leave your baggage at the
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door, and we're gonna do this.
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One, two, eyeballs.
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One, two, eyeballs.
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Let's do it.
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Say that again.
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Let's do it.
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Okay, buddy, stand up.
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On the right side, there's a
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pair of brown glasses... the
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dark-brown ones.
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These glasses are magnified.
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When you put them on, buddy,
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you're...
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you're blind as a bat.
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You are the blindest
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optometrist in the world.
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Huge eyes.
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Uh, all right.
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I'm gonna look at your eyes.
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Right.
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That's it.
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Keep missing her face.
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Put it over her ear.
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Put it over her ear.
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So, now I want you to close
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your left eye.
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Okay, now I'm gonna put this
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over your left eye.
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Now open your left eye and close
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your right eye.
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Are you doing it?
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Are you doing it?
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Great.
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Okay.
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Sal, put that black thing
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away.
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Miss the table.
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Oh, my god!
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Stand up and walk into the
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wall.
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All right.
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Now, let's check your, um, your
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depth perception.
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I'm gonna stand back here.
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Who put that wall there, right?
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We're just asking the customers
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to, just on a scale of 1 to 10,
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how they thought the session
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went.
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No, he's getting a 1.
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There we go.
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No.
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Aah!
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3?
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4.
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4!
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Thank you so much, Vicki.
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How are you today?
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Pretty good.
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How are you?
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Good, good, good, good.
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So, you have glasses on your
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face there.
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I see you have the glasses on
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your face there.
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And you have glasses on your
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chest there.
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And you also have glasses on
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your chest.
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Be confused by sunglasses,
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Murray.
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What do you use those for?
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But they're not prescription.
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So, to what purpose, then?
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Oh, for the sun.
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Hence the name.
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I've never needed glasses.
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I personally have never
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needed glasses.
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My vision is 20/20.
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My vision is 20/20.
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They call me Barbara Walters.
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They call me Barbara Walters.
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Because of my feminine
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qualities.
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Because of my...
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No, no, no.
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Because of my feminine
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qualities.
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All the doctors today, as we're
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giving these free exams, we ask
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that you rate our exam.
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Okay?
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On 1 to 10.
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1!
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Is it a 1 or a 2?
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It's a 1.
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It's a 1.
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This has been an unusual
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exam.
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How's it going?
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Good.
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Good.
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How long you been wearing
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contacts?
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Seventh grade, huh?
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All right, let's give Joey
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some disorders.
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Joe, twitch your jaw as
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you're examining her eye.
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If you could look in the...
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In... in the hole, yeah.
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Just look in it.
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Your jaw can't stop
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twitching.
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There you go.
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There you go.
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Have dick butkus tourette's.
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Just yell out "dick butkus."
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Have you ever, uh, corneas have
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been scratched or anything like
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that, have you?
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Dick butkus.
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Last year?
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A scratch in them?
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Dick butkus.
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You've got good dilation in that
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eye.
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Let's try the other one.
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Dick butkus.
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Okay, so, what we're doing
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today... you're just rating how
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your eye exam is on a scale of
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1 to 10.
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Just circle.
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I'll give you some privacy for a
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second. ve you some privacy for a
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10.
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10!
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10.
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That's great.
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Narrator: Murr got blindsided
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in the exam room, so he's seen
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his way to the loser board.
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Gentlemen, bear with me.
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Okay.
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These are real.
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What?!
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Wow.
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When did you get glasses?
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These are my new glasses.
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Oh, my god.
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That's what you really look
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like?
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We're teaming up as financial
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advisors, giving a seminar on
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how to make money.
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The problem is, we have no
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idea what's in the presentation
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'cause it's been made by the
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other team.
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When we're done presenting,
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we'll ask how many attendees
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feel they received sound
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financial advice.
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Whichever team gets the
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fewest amount of hands raised
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loses.
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Sal's a financial guru.
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I have a bachelor's in
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finance.
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Sal's the anchor point in
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this.
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Hey, how are you guys?
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I don't know that sal's the
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anchor point in anything ever,
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ever.
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Thank you for coming.
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My name is James Murray.
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I'm sal vulcano.
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We are financial advisors.
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We've prepared a presentation
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for you.
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We'll take you through, slide by
299
00:07:42,921 --> 00:07:43,321
slide.
300
00:07:43,321 --> 00:07:44,188
Let's begin.
301
00:07:44,189 --> 00:07:45,620
Okay, so, how to invest.
302
00:07:45,621 --> 00:07:47,287
Research before you put your
303
00:07:47,288 --> 00:07:48,553
money into anything.
304
00:07:48,554 --> 00:07:50,453
Take out everything you know
305
00:07:50,454 --> 00:07:52,253
about spending and spend time
306
00:07:52,254 --> 00:07:53,088
relearning.
307
00:07:53,088 --> 00:07:53,688
Okay.
308
00:07:53,689 --> 00:07:55,320
Keep in mind, interest rates...
309
00:07:55,321 --> 00:07:56,520
Sal, you want to chime in on
310
00:07:56,521 --> 00:07:59,487
this one, buddy?
311
00:07:59,488 --> 00:08:01,087
James, I know you slept with
312
00:08:01,088 --> 00:08:02,088
my girlfriend.
313
00:08:05,154 --> 00:08:06,320
Maybe we can have a frank
314
00:08:06,321 --> 00:08:07,753
discussion about it after this,
315
00:08:07,754 --> 00:08:09,087
but I just wanted to let you
316
00:08:09,088 --> 00:08:10,353
know that I know, and I hope
317
00:08:10,354 --> 00:08:11,753
you remember this feeling right
318
00:08:11,754 --> 00:08:13,653
now.
319
00:08:13,654 --> 00:08:14,921
Let's move on.
320
00:08:17,788 --> 00:08:20,887
Some tips to gain investors.
321
00:08:20,888 --> 00:08:22,354
Uh...
322
00:08:26,088 --> 00:08:28,220
"Racists have money, so know a
323
00:08:28,221 --> 00:08:30,621
few good racist jokes."
324
00:08:33,554 --> 00:08:35,088
Sal?
325
00:08:39,321 --> 00:08:40,553
He's passing the buck.
326
00:08:40,554 --> 00:08:41,653
Murr tried to pass it.
327
00:08:41,654 --> 00:08:42,987
Sal passed it back with the
328
00:08:42,988 --> 00:08:43,421
point.
329
00:08:43,421 --> 00:08:44,288
Look at that.
330
00:08:44,289 --> 00:08:45,687
Murr's falling apart here.
331
00:08:45,688 --> 00:08:47,087
First time I've ever seen
332
00:08:47,088 --> 00:08:47,788
Murray sweat.
333
00:08:47,788 --> 00:08:48,621
Look at him go.
334
00:08:48,622 --> 00:08:50,453
A fun way to say, uh, cater
335
00:08:50,454 --> 00:08:51,553
to your clients.
336
00:08:51,554 --> 00:08:53,287
If you are in a room full of
337
00:08:53,288 --> 00:08:54,920
racists, have a few in the
338
00:08:54,921 --> 00:08:56,187
pocket ready to go.
339
00:08:56,188 --> 00:08:56,721
A metaphor.
340
00:08:56,721 --> 00:08:57,688
Oh, it's a metaphor.
341
00:08:57,689 --> 00:08:58,953
Oh, right, right, for racism.
342
00:08:58,954 --> 00:08:59,721
Okay.
343
00:08:59,721 --> 00:09:00,588
Okay.
344
00:09:00,589 --> 00:09:03,521
Uh...
345
00:09:04,888 --> 00:09:05,888
Uh...
346
00:09:07,254 --> 00:09:08,820
Come on, guys, something.
347
00:09:08,821 --> 00:09:09,454
Anything.
348
00:09:09,455 --> 00:09:11,120
They're all staring at you.
349
00:09:11,121 --> 00:09:12,088
"Put a quarter in your ass
350
00:09:12,089 --> 00:09:13,249
because you played yo' self!"
351
00:09:14,588 --> 00:09:16,820
What does that mean?
352
00:09:16,821 --> 00:09:18,453
Uh, that's what we like to say
353
00:09:18,454 --> 00:09:20,120
to people who have not followed
354
00:09:20,121 --> 00:09:21,320
our financial advice.
355
00:09:21,321 --> 00:09:22,554
Murray lost it.
356
00:09:26,088 --> 00:09:27,820
"Two must-haves for proper
357
00:09:27,821 --> 00:09:29,920
money management."
358
00:09:29,921 --> 00:09:32,820
A handgun...
359
00:09:32,821 --> 00:09:37,587
He can't even say it.
360
00:09:37,588 --> 00:09:38,853
You don't want to use them
361
00:09:38,854 --> 00:09:39,854
together.
362
00:09:41,121 --> 00:09:42,121
We're a good team.
363
00:09:42,122 --> 00:09:43,587
We should do this more often.
364
00:09:43,588 --> 00:09:44,088
Yeah.
365
00:09:44,089 --> 00:09:45,787
By show of hands, do you feel
366
00:09:45,788 --> 00:09:47,187
you have learned something
367
00:09:47,188 --> 00:09:48,753
valuable in today's financial
368
00:09:48,754 --> 00:09:49,354
seminar?
369
00:09:49,355 --> 00:09:51,720
Please raise your hand.
370
00:09:51,721 --> 00:09:52,621
Two.
371
00:09:52,622 --> 00:09:53,988
So, it's two?
372
00:09:55,688 --> 00:09:56,654
We can beat two.
373
00:09:56,655 --> 00:09:58,220
I could do two without you.
374
00:09:58,221 --> 00:09:59,253
Hello, how are you?
375
00:09:59,254 --> 00:10:00,088
Hey, hello.
376
00:10:00,088 --> 00:10:00,654
How are you?
377
00:10:00,655 --> 00:10:01,753
Oh, my god.
378
00:10:01,754 --> 00:10:03,587
This is a serious group of
379
00:10:03,588 --> 00:10:04,288
people.
380
00:10:04,289 --> 00:10:05,653
Brian and I are a pair of
381
00:10:05,654 --> 00:10:06,621
financial advisors.
382
00:10:06,622 --> 00:10:08,087
We'll give you some of our tips
383
00:10:08,088 --> 00:10:09,620
that we've come along across the
384
00:10:09,621 --> 00:10:09,988
way.
385
00:10:09,989 --> 00:10:11,088
Ready
386
00:10:12,721 --> 00:10:15,687
uh, we special in, uh...
387
00:10:15,688 --> 00:10:17,020
We specialize in...
388
00:10:17,021 --> 00:10:18,620
This isn't even the hard
389
00:10:18,621 --> 00:10:19,621
part.
390
00:10:19,854 --> 00:10:22,087
Hit the next button.
391
00:10:22,088 --> 00:10:23,287
"Ways of making money."
392
00:10:23,288 --> 00:10:24,353
Many ways out there.
393
00:10:24,354 --> 00:10:25,620
Everybody's got a scheme, an
394
00:10:25,621 --> 00:10:27,053
angle, but there's some that are
395
00:10:27,054 --> 00:10:27,821
just universal.
396
00:10:27,822 --> 00:10:29,353
All right, so explain them,
397
00:10:29,354 --> 00:10:29,821
then.
398
00:10:29,822 --> 00:10:31,087
"Low-risk, high-yield
399
00:10:31,088 --> 00:10:31,888
investments."
400
00:10:31,889 --> 00:10:33,120
Little risk, a lot of yield.
401
00:10:33,121 --> 00:10:34,420
You don't want to put too much
402
00:10:34,421 --> 00:10:35,753
risk out there, and you bring a
403
00:10:35,754 --> 00:10:36,554
lot of yield in.
404
00:10:36,555 --> 00:10:38,253
It's all about the yield.
405
00:10:38,254 --> 00:10:39,054
Right.
406
00:10:39,054 --> 00:10:39,921
Thank you.
407
00:10:39,922 --> 00:10:42,587
And also high-risk, low-yield
408
00:10:42,588 --> 00:10:43,920
investments.
409
00:10:43,921 --> 00:10:44,921
That's talking about it the
410
00:10:44,921 --> 00:10:45,354
other way.
411
00:10:45,354 --> 00:10:45,754
Right.
412
00:10:45,755 --> 00:10:47,920
Moving on.
413
00:10:47,921 --> 00:10:49,553
"High-yield, low-risk
414
00:10:49,554 --> 00:10:50,554
investments."
415
00:10:50,555 --> 00:10:52,653
So, now, if you guys are getting
416
00:10:52,654 --> 00:10:53,720
the pattern...
417
00:10:53,721 --> 00:10:55,187
That's just the opposite of
418
00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:56,520
that, but it means the same
419
00:10:56,521 --> 00:10:57,987
thing 'cause we really want to
420
00:10:57,988 --> 00:10:59,553
drive it home, and if I know how
421
00:10:59,554 --> 00:11:00,488
this is going...
422
00:11:00,489 --> 00:11:01,553
it's gonna be the low-yield,
423
00:11:01,554 --> 00:11:02,354
high-risk investments.
424
00:11:02,354 --> 00:11:03,288
Low-yield into high-risk
425
00:11:03,288 --> 00:11:03,788
investments.
426
00:11:03,788 --> 00:11:04,688
Now you see what we did
427
00:11:04,688 --> 00:11:05,088
there.
428
00:11:05,089 --> 00:11:06,720
We covered everything.
429
00:11:06,721 --> 00:11:09,121
And then there's scones.
430
00:11:12,488 --> 00:11:13,520
These, uh...
431
00:11:13,521 --> 00:11:14,887
The... the... your...
432
00:11:14,888 --> 00:11:16,287
You've got to remember...
433
00:11:16,288 --> 00:11:17,820
You've got to remember that
434
00:11:17,821 --> 00:11:19,453
international markets... a lot
435
00:11:19,454 --> 00:11:21,120
of decisions are made over tea
436
00:11:21,121 --> 00:11:22,688
and scones.
437
00:11:25,954 --> 00:11:27,453
Let's move it along.
438
00:11:27,454 --> 00:11:29,087
"Point/counterpoint."
439
00:11:29,088 --> 00:11:30,620
"Ipo vs. Private equity."
440
00:11:30,621 --> 00:11:31,954
Ipo...
441
00:11:34,088 --> 00:11:35,353
I mean, that's where you want to
442
00:11:35,354 --> 00:11:35,754
be at.
443
00:11:35,755 --> 00:11:37,420
He has no idea what it is.
444
00:11:37,421 --> 00:11:39,087
That's the international,
445
00:11:39,088 --> 00:11:42,953
uh... uh... product...
446
00:11:42,954 --> 00:11:44,520
It's the international pancake
447
00:11:44,521 --> 00:11:45,521
order.
448
00:11:46,754 --> 00:11:48,287
Initial public offering.
449
00:11:48,288 --> 00:11:49,154
Yeah, ipo.
450
00:11:49,155 --> 00:11:50,388
That's where you want to be.
451
00:11:51,188 --> 00:11:52,687
You know, private equity is
452
00:11:52,688 --> 00:11:53,987
money in your own pocket.
453
00:11:53,988 --> 00:11:55,087
You keep that, then.
454
00:11:55,088 --> 00:11:57,754
What?
455
00:12:01,854 --> 00:12:02,521
Yeah.
456
00:12:02,522 --> 00:12:04,153
You know we had to do it,
457
00:12:04,154 --> 00:12:04,721
buddy.
458
00:12:04,721 --> 00:12:05,654
"Handy vs. Blowy."
459
00:12:05,655 --> 00:12:06,953
All right, well, you want to
460
00:12:06,954 --> 00:12:07,521
take handy?
461
00:12:07,522 --> 00:12:08,787
Yeah, I mean, it's the kind
462
00:12:08,788 --> 00:12:10,087
of person that you want to be.
463
00:12:10,088 --> 00:12:12,087
They're all writing notes.
464
00:12:12,088 --> 00:12:13,887
She's got a page of notes.
465
00:12:13,888 --> 00:12:15,220
What is she writing?
466
00:12:15,221 --> 00:12:16,520
I will say this.
467
00:12:16,521 --> 00:12:18,087
Go to work with a handy.
468
00:12:18,088 --> 00:12:19,088
Oh, my god.
469
00:12:19,089 --> 00:12:20,653
You marry a blowy.
470
00:12:20,654 --> 00:12:22,288
That's our main thing.
471
00:12:25,354 --> 00:12:26,588
Thank you.
472
00:12:27,954 --> 00:12:29,253
What we like to do at the end
473
00:12:29,254 --> 00:12:30,520
of this is just a quick show of
474
00:12:30,521 --> 00:12:31,787
hands... please raise your hand
475
00:12:31,788 --> 00:12:33,087
if you feel like you've learned
476
00:12:33,088 --> 00:12:33,854
anything of value.
477
00:12:33,854 --> 00:12:34,854
Did you learn anything new?
478
00:12:34,855 --> 00:12:37,121
One, two, three.
479
00:12:37,588 --> 00:12:38,354
Three people.
480
00:12:38,354 --> 00:12:39,354
Three people.
481
00:12:40,088 --> 00:12:41,153
Oh, no!
482
00:12:41,154 --> 00:12:42,353
Narrator: Murr and sal got
483
00:12:42,354 --> 00:12:43,587
short-changed, so they bought
484
00:12:43,588 --> 00:12:44,720
another share of the loser
485
00:12:44,721 --> 00:12:47,120
board.
486
00:12:47,121 --> 00:12:48,487
I really don't know anything
487
00:12:48,488 --> 00:12:49,488
about finance at all.
488
00:12:49,488 --> 00:12:50,288
Neither do I.
489
00:12:50,288 --> 00:12:51,288
Who's dow Jones?
490
00:12:51,289 --> 00:12:52,753
Isn't dow Jones the guy that
491
00:12:52,754 --> 00:12:54,253
fills my tank up off the block?
492
00:12:54,254 --> 00:12:55,520
Hey, dow Jones, $10 of the
493
00:12:55,521 --> 00:12:58,087
regular.
494
00:12:58,088 --> 00:12:58,954
Look out, america.
495
00:12:58,955 --> 00:13:00,187
We're crashing the political
496
00:13:00,188 --> 00:13:00,554
party.
497
00:13:00,554 --> 00:13:01,288
That's right.
498
00:13:01,289 --> 00:13:02,587
We're running for office, but we
499
00:13:02,588 --> 00:13:03,787
need voters' signatures to get
500
00:13:03,788 --> 00:13:04,454
on the ballot.
501
00:13:04,454 --> 00:13:05,321
It won't be easy, though,
502
00:13:05,321 --> 00:13:06,154
because our crazy political
503
00:13:06,154 --> 00:13:07,088
beliefs will be given to us by
504
00:13:07,089 --> 00:13:08,254
the other guys.
505
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:09,653
And whoever gets the least
506
00:13:09,654 --> 00:13:15,820
amount of signatures loses.
507
00:13:15,821 --> 00:13:17,720
Q, uh... Are those the new,
508
00:13:17,721 --> 00:13:19,088
uh, dress shoes you got?
509
00:13:20,421 --> 00:13:21,354
Is that what all the
510
00:13:21,355 --> 00:13:22,520
politicians are wearing these
511
00:13:22,521 --> 00:13:22,821
days?
512
00:13:22,854 --> 00:13:24,087
This big in congress, this
513
00:13:24,088 --> 00:13:24,354
look?
514
00:13:24,354 --> 00:13:25,354
You don't understand.
515
00:13:25,355 --> 00:13:26,521
You don't know how to connect
516
00:13:26,554 --> 00:13:27,221
with the kids.
517
00:13:27,221 --> 00:13:28,088
Oh, is that it?
518
00:13:28,089 --> 00:13:29,153
I'm business up top but
519
00:13:29,154 --> 00:13:31,087
rock 'n' roll on my feet.
520
00:13:31,088 --> 00:13:31,388
Hi.
521
00:13:31,389 --> 00:13:32,820
I'm running for city council.
522
00:13:32,821 --> 00:13:33,853
I need to get sig...
523
00:13:33,854 --> 00:13:36,120
I just need signatures.
524
00:13:36,121 --> 00:13:37,687
I'm running for city council.
525
00:13:37,688 --> 00:13:41,120
I'm trying to get onto the...
526
00:13:41,121 --> 00:13:42,753
Excuse me, sir, I'm trying to
527
00:13:42,754 --> 00:13:44,420
run for...
528
00:13:44,421 --> 00:13:45,753
You got no time for me?
529
00:13:45,754 --> 00:13:47,520
Excuse me, sir?
530
00:13:47,521 --> 00:13:48,853
I'm trying to collect signatures
531
00:13:48,854 --> 00:13:50,153
to get on the... just to get on
532
00:13:50,154 --> 00:13:51,520
the ballot for the New York City
533
00:13:51,521 --> 00:13:52,354
council this year.
534
00:13:52,354 --> 00:13:53,254
I am from Sweden.
535
00:13:53,255 --> 00:13:54,487
Oh, you're from Sweden.
536
00:13:54,488 --> 00:13:55,488
Oh, her-ma-der, bro.
537
00:13:55,489 --> 00:13:57,620
Her-ma-der.
538
00:13:57,621 --> 00:13:58,820
"The muppet show."
539
00:13:58,821 --> 00:14:00,320
"The muppet show," yes.
540
00:14:00,321 --> 00:14:02,453
Her-ma-der!
541
00:14:02,454 --> 00:14:04,087
Hey, what's up, skates?
542
00:14:04,088 --> 00:14:05,787
Can I get your help here?
543
00:14:05,788 --> 00:14:07,287
I'm running for city council.
544
00:14:07,288 --> 00:14:08,920
Trying to get the traffic lights
545
00:14:08,921 --> 00:14:10,520
to be smart traffic lights, but
546
00:14:10,521 --> 00:14:11,587
most importantly...
547
00:14:11,588 --> 00:14:12,521
I want to defend sexy
548
00:14:12,522 --> 00:14:14,321
offenders.
549
00:14:16,788 --> 00:14:24,788
O0 c1
550
00:14:28,821 --> 00:14:29,421
I'm looking to defend sexy
551
00:14:29,421 --> 00:14:29,688
offenders.
552
00:14:29,688 --> 00:14:30,188
What do I mean by that?
553
00:14:30,188 --> 00:14:30,788
That is an excellent question.
554
00:14:30,788 --> 00:14:31,421
You know how, like, it's illegal
555
00:14:31,421 --> 00:14:32,088
for two girls to make out right
556
00:14:32,088 --> 00:14:32,254
here?
557
00:14:32,254 --> 00:14:32,888
Like, I want to make that legal.
558
00:14:32,888 --> 00:14:33,821
Murder is jail.
559
00:14:33,822 --> 00:14:35,720
Except if they're sexy.
560
00:14:35,721 --> 00:14:37,453
Unless they're sexy.
561
00:14:37,454 --> 00:14:38,820
You know what I mean?
562
00:14:38,821 --> 00:14:41,287
Uh, you know.
563
00:14:41,288 --> 00:14:42,254
It's reasonable, right?
564
00:14:42,254 --> 00:14:42,788
Blades.
565
00:14:42,789 --> 00:14:44,988
Come on, roller blades.
566
00:14:47,088 --> 00:14:48,920
I think, out of all of us, sal
567
00:14:48,921 --> 00:14:50,687
would be, probably, the best
568
00:14:50,688 --> 00:14:51,521
politician.
569
00:14:51,521 --> 00:14:52,121
No.
570
00:14:52,122 --> 00:14:53,187
He's certainly the most
571
00:14:53,188 --> 00:14:53,621
likable.
572
00:14:53,621 --> 00:14:54,421
Oh, I think so.
573
00:14:54,421 --> 00:14:54,788
No.
574
00:14:54,789 --> 00:14:56,487
Sal's the kind of guy you want
575
00:14:56,488 --> 00:14:58,153
to sing karaoke with, not lead
576
00:14:58,154 --> 00:15:00,087
an invasion of Afghanistan with.
577
00:15:00,088 --> 00:15:01,120
I'm running for city council.
578
00:15:01,121 --> 00:15:01,954
Who's leading a
579
00:15:01,954 --> 00:15:02,954
invasion.
580
00:15:03,254 --> 00:15:04,088
Hey, how you doing?
581
00:15:04,089 --> 00:15:05,220
I'm running for city council.
582
00:15:05,221 --> 00:15:06,188
Look at the number of
583
00:15:06,188 --> 00:15:07,121
backpacks this guy has.
584
00:15:07,122 --> 00:15:08,220
He's got three backpacks.
585
00:15:08,221 --> 00:15:09,387
No, he's got two backpacks
586
00:15:09,388 --> 00:15:10,088
and a frontpack.
587
00:15:10,089 --> 00:15:11,720
I'm lobbying for higher pay
588
00:15:11,721 --> 00:15:13,420
for public schoolteachers, more
589
00:15:13,421 --> 00:15:14,753
security in our parks...
590
00:15:14,754 --> 00:15:16,353
And to limit the number of
591
00:15:16,354 --> 00:15:17,387
backpacks to one.
592
00:15:17,388 --> 00:15:18,388
To...
593
00:15:18,654 --> 00:15:20,620
And then, also, to limit the
594
00:15:20,621 --> 00:15:22,520
overall number of backpacks
595
00:15:22,521 --> 00:15:24,520
people can carry to just one.
596
00:15:24,521 --> 00:15:26,787
I mean, let's be fair.
597
00:15:26,788 --> 00:15:28,820
Way more kesha.
598
00:15:28,821 --> 00:15:30,553
You know, no deck shoes in the
599
00:15:30,554 --> 00:15:31,920
winter.
600
00:15:31,921 --> 00:15:34,220
More Nicki Minaj.
601
00:15:34,221 --> 00:15:35,587
I want to rename Hitler
602
00:15:35,588 --> 00:15:36,887
mustaches Charlie chaplin
603
00:15:36,888 --> 00:15:39,420
mustaches.
604
00:15:39,421 --> 00:15:41,220
I want to rename the Hitler
605
00:15:41,221 --> 00:15:42,753
mustache to be called the
606
00:15:42,754 --> 00:15:44,287
Charlie chaplin mustache.
607
00:15:44,288 --> 00:15:45,887
It's a great style, and he's
608
00:15:45,888 --> 00:15:47,553
taken that away from everyone.
609
00:15:47,554 --> 00:15:49,120
But, really, chaplin did it
610
00:15:49,121 --> 00:15:50,121
first, you know?
611
00:15:50,122 --> 00:15:51,287
You just want to be on the
612
00:15:51,288 --> 00:15:51,688
ballot?
613
00:15:51,688 --> 00:15:52,688
Yes.
614
00:15:52,988 --> 00:15:54,753
She wants nothing to do...
615
00:15:54,754 --> 00:15:56,453
I appreciate it so much.
616
00:15:56,454 --> 00:15:59,188
There you go.
617
00:16:01,221 --> 00:16:02,154
I'll tell you what.
618
00:16:02,155 --> 00:16:03,387
He looks like a politician out
619
00:16:03,388 --> 00:16:05,788
there, like a lying sack of
620
00:16:08,554 --> 00:16:09,421
excuse me, ma'am.
621
00:16:09,422 --> 00:16:10,653
If I get two more signatures, I
622
00:16:10,654 --> 00:16:11,853
can get on the ballot for city
623
00:16:11,854 --> 00:16:13,087
council, and then I can run for
624
00:16:13,088 --> 00:16:13,721
city council.
625
00:16:13,722 --> 00:16:14,753
The most important part of my
626
00:16:14,754 --> 00:16:15,254
platform...
627
00:16:15,255 --> 00:16:17,820
Is bisexual crossing guards.
628
00:16:17,821 --> 00:16:18,788
The mo...
629
00:16:18,789 --> 00:16:20,887
The most important part of my
630
00:16:20,888 --> 00:16:22,887
platform...
631
00:16:22,888 --> 00:16:24,254
Bisexual crossing guards.
632
00:16:25,088 --> 00:16:26,520
There's a perfectly good
633
00:16:26,521 --> 00:16:27,321
explanation.
634
00:16:27,321 --> 00:16:28,088
Hear me out.
635
00:16:28,089 --> 00:16:29,353
Yeah, explain this one.
636
00:16:29,354 --> 00:16:30,687
You know how, when you're
637
00:16:30,688 --> 00:16:31,953
crossing a street, you can
638
00:16:31,954 --> 00:16:33,453
either go one way or you can go
639
00:16:33,454 --> 00:16:34,088
the other?
640
00:16:34,089 --> 00:16:35,653
If the crossing guard's a
641
00:16:35,654 --> 00:16:37,387
bisexual, you could go both
642
00:16:37,388 --> 00:16:38,388
ways.
643
00:16:39,154 --> 00:16:40,587
So, would you like to sign my
644
00:16:40,588 --> 00:16:42,120
petition to be on city council?
645
00:16:42,121 --> 00:16:42,654
Yeah.
646
00:16:42,655 --> 00:16:44,220
You are a sweetheart.
647
00:16:44,221 --> 00:16:45,421
Thank you so much.
648
00:16:47,721 --> 00:16:48,588
Vote for gatto.
649
00:16:48,589 --> 00:16:49,888
I'm trying to get on the ballot
650
00:16:49,921 --> 00:16:50,488
real quick.
651
00:16:50,489 --> 00:16:51,687
Can I talk to you two secs?
652
00:16:51,688 --> 00:16:53,153
Hey, my friend.
653
00:16:53,154 --> 00:16:55,087
Ma'am, how about you?
654
00:16:55,088 --> 00:16:56,320
I'm just trying to get some
655
00:16:56,321 --> 00:16:57,787
awareness to get me on the city
656
00:16:57,788 --> 00:16:58,254
ballot.
657
00:16:58,255 --> 00:16:59,620
Signatures here.
658
00:16:59,621 --> 00:17:00,787
Joe, what's up?
659
00:17:00,788 --> 00:17:02,087
You know what it is?
660
00:17:02,088 --> 00:17:02,954
It's the tie.
661
00:17:02,955 --> 00:17:04,620
He looks like an official jerk
662
00:17:04,621 --> 00:17:05,321
right now.
663
00:17:05,321 --> 00:17:06,288
That's right.
664
00:17:06,288 --> 00:17:07,088
Hey, bud.
665
00:17:07,089 --> 00:17:08,387
Talk to you two seconds.
666
00:17:08,388 --> 00:17:09,953
I'm just trying to get on the
667
00:17:09,954 --> 00:17:11,453
ballot for the New York City
668
00:17:11,454 --> 00:17:12,088
council.
669
00:17:12,089 --> 00:17:13,787
So, basically, I'm just trying
670
00:17:13,788 --> 00:17:15,220
to get more subway cars.
671
00:17:15,221 --> 00:17:16,553
I'm also looking to...
672
00:17:16,554 --> 00:17:18,787
Less duck faces on Facebook.
673
00:17:18,788 --> 00:17:20,220
I'm trying to start
674
00:17:20,221 --> 00:17:22,087
digital-photo regulation so we
675
00:17:22,088 --> 00:17:23,853
can get rid of duck faces on,
676
00:17:23,854 --> 00:17:25,520
like, the social-networking
677
00:17:25,521 --> 00:17:27,287
sites.
678
00:17:27,288 --> 00:17:28,621
You know, duck face, like the...
679
00:17:30,221 --> 00:17:31,587
You know, dumbass tweens are out
680
00:17:31,588 --> 00:17:32,588
there doing the...
681
00:17:33,154 --> 00:17:34,220
And then, you know, whatever.
682
00:17:34,221 --> 00:17:35,320
So, I'm trying to regulate that
683
00:17:35,321 --> 00:17:36,387
'cause nobody really wants to
684
00:17:36,388 --> 00:17:36,821
see that.
685
00:17:36,822 --> 00:17:37,920
You know, it's like, "oh, we're
686
00:17:37,921 --> 00:17:38,921
in a bridal shower."
687
00:17:39,321 --> 00:17:40,588
"Oh, the nightclub."
688
00:17:41,588 --> 00:17:42,521
You know what I mean?
689
00:17:42,522 --> 00:17:43,754
Like, "oh, gram's just died."
690
00:17:47,188 --> 00:17:48,520
It's an initiative I'm pushing.
691
00:17:48,521 --> 00:17:49,887
I'm trying to quack down on it,
692
00:17:49,888 --> 00:17:50,888
really.
693
00:17:54,088 --> 00:17:54,754
So, you don't want to sign,
694
00:17:54,754 --> 00:17:55,721
then?
695
00:17:55,721 --> 00:17:56,454
Okay, well, I appreciate...
696
00:17:56,455 --> 00:17:58,088
he didn't get it!
697
00:17:59,821 --> 00:18:01,220
Narrator: The votes are
698
00:18:01,221 --> 00:18:02,753
counted, and murr is tonight's
699
00:18:02,754 --> 00:18:05,953
big loser.
700
00:18:05,954 --> 00:18:07,087
Murr is our loser.
701
00:18:07,088 --> 00:18:08,620
And for your punishment, buddy,
702
00:18:08,621 --> 00:18:09,920
you're gonna have to play
703
00:18:09,921 --> 00:18:11,287
dodgeball in a professional
704
00:18:11,288 --> 00:18:11,821
league.
705
00:18:11,822 --> 00:18:13,420
Yeah, but we did you a favor.
706
00:18:13,421 --> 00:18:14,920
To end the misery, all you got
707
00:18:14,921 --> 00:18:16,420
to do is get one single player
708
00:18:16,421 --> 00:18:17,587
out on the other team.
709
00:18:17,588 --> 00:18:18,887
I think I could do that.
710
00:18:18,888 --> 00:18:20,120
But dodgeball requires
711
00:18:20,121 --> 00:18:21,620
hand-eye coordination, so we're
712
00:18:21,621 --> 00:18:22,720
gonna take away those.
713
00:18:22,721 --> 00:18:23,753
What do you mean?
714
00:18:23,754 --> 00:18:25,087
Oh, you'll see.
715
00:18:25,088 --> 00:18:26,654
You'll partially see.
716
00:18:37,288 --> 00:18:38,088
Oven mitt!
717
00:18:38,089 --> 00:18:39,420
I feel like an idiot.
718
00:18:39,421 --> 00:18:41,087
It was your choice to wear
719
00:18:41,088 --> 00:18:42,253
those shorts, murr.
720
00:18:42,254 --> 00:18:43,621
All right, are we ready?
721
00:18:46,654 --> 00:18:48,153
Hold on, hold on.
722
00:18:48,154 --> 00:18:49,687
Here's the strategy.
723
00:18:49,688 --> 00:18:51,920
I'm gonna stand behind you guys,
724
00:18:51,921 --> 00:18:52,521
okay?
725
00:18:52,522 --> 00:18:53,887
Protect me however you can.
726
00:18:53,888 --> 00:18:55,787
Come on, blue team.
727
00:18:55,788 --> 00:18:57,520
Blue team!
728
00:18:57,521 --> 00:18:59,087
Come on.
729
00:18:59,088 --> 00:19:00,453
All right.
730
00:19:00,454 --> 00:19:02,520
Red team, are we ready?
731
00:19:02,521 --> 00:19:04,653
Blue team, are we ready?
732
00:19:04,654 --> 00:19:05,621
Make, like, a protective
733
00:19:05,621 --> 00:19:05,988
shield.
734
00:19:05,989 --> 00:19:08,753
Okay, three, two, one,
735
00:19:08,754 --> 00:19:11,588
switch!
736
00:19:12,654 --> 00:19:14,553
Wait, what the
737
00:19:14,554 --> 00:19:16,087
what the
738
00:19:16,088 --> 00:19:18,420
oh, my god.
739
00:19:18,421 --> 00:19:19,688
Let's go!
740
00:19:24,121 --> 00:19:32,121
O0 c1
741
00:19:36,554 --> 00:19:36,754
oh!
742
00:19:37,521 --> 00:19:37,688
Oh!
743
00:19:37,921 --> 00:19:39,253
Come on, murr, just one guy
744
00:19:39,254 --> 00:19:39,754
out.
745
00:19:39,755 --> 00:19:41,087
He can't throw lefty.
746
00:19:41,088 --> 00:19:42,088
Guys, get him!
747
00:19:42,088 --> 00:19:42,821
Get him!
748
00:19:42,822 --> 00:19:45,388
Get him again.
749
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:51,653
Aah!
750
00:19:51,654 --> 00:19:52,920
They need more balls.
751
00:19:52,921 --> 00:19:54,287
I think they need more.
752
00:19:54,288 --> 00:19:55,188
They need more.
753
00:19:55,189 --> 00:19:56,653
All right, guys, there you
754
00:19:56,654 --> 00:19:57,088
go.
755
00:19:57,089 --> 00:19:58,187
Wait, what the...
756
00:19:58,188 --> 00:19:58,888
Oh
757
00:19:58,889 --> 00:20:00,053
There you go, boys.
758
00:20:00,054 --> 00:20:00,754
Stop it!
759
00:20:00,754 --> 00:20:01,754
Get them off!
760
00:20:08,188 --> 00:20:11,553
Oh!
761
00:20:11,554 --> 00:20:12,254
Stop!
762
00:20:12,255 --> 00:20:14,387
This is... this is bad.
763
00:20:14,388 --> 00:20:20,053
No mercy!
764
00:20:20,054 --> 00:20:21,720
This is not how dodgeball is
765
00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:22,288
played.
766
00:20:22,289 --> 00:20:24,821
That is how you punish
767
00:20:24,854 --> 00:20:26,120
Murray.
768
00:20:26,121 --> 00:20:26,888
I did good?
769
00:20:26,888 --> 00:20:27,788
You did great.
770
00:20:27,789 --> 00:20:28,887
Did I hit somebody?
771
00:20:28,888 --> 00:20:30,320
No, you didn't hit anybody.
772
00:20:30,321 --> 00:20:31,321
Medic!
42620
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