Original subtitles

Narrator: Coming up...

what has murr pushed to his

breaking point?

Murray... Murray lost it!

Narrator: The guys put sal up

against the wall.

Who put that wall there,

right?

I'm running for city council.

Narrator: Q has to stand up

for what he believes in.

Murder is jail unless they're

sexy.

Narrator: And tonight's big

loser can't dodge the most

punishing punishment of all

time.

No mercy!

We're opticians at

j.v. Optical, checking eyes and

taking names.

During the exam, we'll have

to do and say what the other

"doctors" tell us.

At the end, the patient has

to rate how satisfied they are

with our service.

Whoever gets the lowest score

loses.

I'm Dr. Quinn, but you can

call me Brian.

Very nice to meet you.

Please have a seat.

When did you say your last

eye exam was?

When did you say your last

eye exam was?

Well, I had one last year.

You had one last year?

Yeah.

Okay, so, you got two

eyeballs here.

All right.

Well, you got two eyeballs.

So, do you get headaches?

Do you get... do you get...

Do you get headaches?

No.

No headaches.

I get headaches...

I get headaches.

When I wake up drunk in

the gutter.

When I, uh...

Sometimes...

When you wake up drunk in a

gutter, you wake up with

headaches.

Yes.

On the floor, we hid an eye

chart for you.

Could you hang it on the wall

there?

You want to read that?

Q...

Q...

is...

is...

Q is fat.

Fat, right.

It keeps going, though.

Keep going.

It doesn't just end there.

Like Rosie o. Like the

person?

Yes, exactly, like a fat

Rosie O'Donnell.

True or false?

True or false?

True or false?

True.

True?

True.

I just have to get you to rate

your eye exam today, shawna.

All right, all right.

Oh, 10!

Aah!

Everybody loves fat Rosie o.

Yeah.

Thank you so much, shawna.

I'm Dr. Vulcano.

Hi.

I'll be doing my best.

How are you?

Okay, so, just sit down.

All right.

On your left there, just roll

over in the chair and give

yourself a pep talk.

Pep-talk it.

Give me one sec.

You have worked for this your

whole life.

You graduated at the top of your

class.

Forget about that cadaver's

eye that you blew up.

Forget about that eyeball in

the institute.

People have always liked you.

Leave your baggage at the

door.

Leave your baggage at the

door, and we're gonna do this.

One, two, eyeballs.

One, two, eyeballs.

Let's do it.

Say that again.

Let's do it.

Okay, buddy, stand up.

On the right side, there's a

pair of brown glasses... the

dark-brown ones.

These glasses are magnified.

When you put them on, buddy,

you're...

you're blind as a bat.

You are the blindest

optometrist in the world.

Huge eyes.

Uh, all right.

I'm gonna look at your eyes.

Right.

That's it.

Keep missing her face.

Put it over her ear.

Put it over her ear.

So, now I want you to close

your left eye.

Okay, now I'm gonna put this

over your left eye.

Now open your left eye and close

your right eye.

Are you doing it?

Are you doing it?

Great.

Okay.

Sal, put that black thing

away.

Miss the table.

Oh, my god!

Stand up and walk into the

wall.

All right.

Now, let's check your, um, your

depth perception.

I'm gonna stand back here.

Who put that wall there, right?

We're just asking the customers

to, just on a scale of 1 to 10,

how they thought the session

went.

No, he's getting a 1.

There we go.

No.

Aah!

3?

4.

4!

Thank you so much, Vicki.

How are you today?

Pretty good.

How are you?

Good, good, good, good.

So, you have glasses on your

face there.

I see you have the glasses on

your face there.

And you have glasses on your

chest there.

And you also have glasses on

your chest.

Be confused by sunglasses,

Murray.

What do you use those for?

But they're not prescription.

So, to what purpose, then?

Oh, for the sun.

Hence the name.

I've never needed glasses.

I personally have never

needed glasses.

My vision is 20/20.

My vision is 20/20.

They call me Barbara Walters.

They call me Barbara Walters.

Because of my feminine

qualities.

Because of my...

No, no, no.

Because of my feminine

qualities.

All the doctors today, as we're

giving these free exams, we ask

that you rate our exam.

Okay?

On 1 to 10.

1!

Is it a 1 or a 2?

It's a 1.

It's a 1.

This has been an unusual

exam.

How's it going?

Good.

Good.

How long you been wearing

contacts?

Seventh grade, huh?

All right, let's give Joey

some disorders.

Joe, twitch your jaw as

you're examining her eye.

If you could look in the...

In... in the hole, yeah.

Just look in it.

Your jaw can't stop

twitching.

There you go.

There you go.

Have dick butkus tourette's.

Just yell out "dick butkus."

Have you ever, uh, corneas have

been scratched or anything like

that, have you?

Dick butkus.

Last year?

A scratch in them?

Dick butkus.

You've got good dilation in that

eye.

Let's try the other one.

Dick butkus.

Okay, so, what we're doing

today... you're just rating how

your eye exam is on a scale of

1 to 10.

Just circle.

I'll give you some privacy for a

second. ve you some privacy for a

10.

10!

10.

That's great.

Narrator: Murr got blindsided

in the exam room, so he's seen

his way to the loser board.

Gentlemen, bear with me.

Okay.

These are real.

What?!

Wow.

When did you get glasses?

These are my new glasses.

Oh, my god.

That's what you really look

like?

We're teaming up as financial

advisors, giving a seminar on

how to make money.

The problem is, we have no

idea what's in the presentation

'cause it's been made by the

other team.

When we're done presenting,

we'll ask how many attendees

feel they received sound

financial advice.

Whichever team gets the

fewest amount of hands raised

loses.

Sal's a financial guru.

I have a bachelor's in

finance.

Sal's the anchor point in

this.

Hey, how are you guys?

I don't know that sal's the

anchor point in anything ever,

ever.

Thank you for coming.

My name is James Murray.

I'm sal vulcano.

We are financial advisors.

We've prepared a presentation

for you.

We'll take you through, slide by

slide.

Let's begin.

Okay, so, how to invest.

Research before you put your

money into anything.

Take out everything you know

about spending and spend time

relearning.

Okay.

Keep in mind, interest rates...

Sal, you want to chime in on

this one, buddy?

James, I know you slept with

my girlfriend.

Maybe we can have a frank

discussion about it after this,

but I just wanted to let you

know that I know, and I hope

you remember this feeling right

now.

Let's move on.

Some tips to gain investors.

Uh...

"Racists have money, so know a

few good racist jokes."

Sal?

He's passing the buck.

Murr tried to pass it.

Sal passed it back with the

point.

Look at that.

Murr's falling apart here.

First time I've ever seen

Murray sweat.

Look at him go.

A fun way to say, uh, cater

to your clients.

If you are in a room full of

racists, have a few in the

pocket ready to go.

A metaphor.

Oh, it's a metaphor.

Oh, right, right, for racism.

Okay.

Okay.

Uh...

Uh...

Come on, guys, something.

Anything.

They're all staring at you.

"Put a quarter in your ass

because you played yo' self!"

What does that mean?

Uh, that's what we like to say

to people who have not followed

our financial advice.

Murray lost it.

"Two must-haves for proper

money management."

A handgun...

He can't even say it.

You don't want to use them

together.

We're a good team.

We should do this more often.

Yeah.

By show of hands, do you feel

you have learned something

valuable in today's financial

seminar?

Please raise your hand.

Two.

So, it's two?

We can beat two.

I could do two without you.

Hello, how are you?

Hey, hello.

How are you?

Oh, my god.

This is a serious group of

people.

Brian and I are a pair of

financial advisors.

We'll give you some of our tips

that we've come along across the

way.

Ready

uh, we special in, uh...

We specialize in...

This isn't even the hard

part.

Hit the next button.

"Ways of making money."

Many ways out there.

Everybody's got a scheme, an

angle, but there's some that are

just universal.

All right, so explain them,

then.

"Low-risk, high-yield

investments."

Little risk, a lot of yield.

You don't want to put too much

risk out there, and you bring a

lot of yield in.

It's all about the yield.

Right.

Thank you.

And also high-risk, low-yield

investments.

That's talking about it the

other way.

Right.

Moving on.

"High-yield, low-risk

investments."

So, now, if you guys are getting

the pattern...

That's just the opposite of

that, but it means the same

thing 'cause we really want to

drive it home, and if I know how

this is going...

it's gonna be the low-yield,

high-risk investments.

Low-yield into high-risk

investments.

Now you see what we did

there.

We covered everything.

And then there's scones.

These, uh...

The... the... your...

You've got to remember...

You've got to remember that

international markets... a lot

of decisions are made over tea

and scones.

Let's move it along.

"Point/counterpoint."

"Ipo vs. Private equity."

Ipo...

I mean, that's where you want to

be at.

He has no idea what it is.

That's the international,

uh... uh... product...

It's the international pancake

order.

Initial public offering.

Yeah, ipo.

That's where you want to be.

You know, private equity is

money in your own pocket.

You keep that, then.

What?

Yeah.

You know we had to do it,

buddy.

"Handy vs. Blowy."

All right, well, you want to

take handy?

Yeah, I mean, it's the kind

of person that you want to be.

They're all writing notes.

She's got a page of notes.

What is she writing?

I will say this.

Go to work with a handy.

Oh, my god.

You marry a blowy.

That's our main thing.

Thank you.

What we like to do at the end

of this is just a quick show of

hands... please raise your hand

if you feel like you've learned

anything of value.

Did you learn anything new?

One, two, three.

Three people.

Three people.

Oh, no!

Narrator: Murr and sal got

short-changed, so they bought

another share of the loser

board.

I really don't know anything

about finance at all.

Neither do I.

Who's dow Jones?

Isn't dow Jones the guy that

fills my tank up off the block?

Hey, dow Jones, $10 of the

regular.

Look out, america.

We're crashing the political

party.

That's right.

We're running for office, but we

need voters' signatures to get

on the ballot.

It won't be easy, though,

because our crazy political

beliefs will be given to us by

the other guys.

And whoever gets the least

amount of signatures loses.

Q, uh... Are those the new,

uh, dress shoes you got?

Is that what all the

politicians are wearing these

days?

This big in congress, this

look?

You don't understand.

You don't know how to connect

with the kids.

Oh, is that it?

I'm business up top but

rock 'n' roll on my feet.

Hi.

I'm running for city council.

I need to get sig...

I just need signatures.

I'm running for city council.

I'm trying to get onto the...

Excuse me, sir, I'm trying to

run for...

You got no time for me?

Excuse me, sir?

I'm trying to collect signatures

to get on the... just to get on

the ballot for the New York City

council this year.

I am from Sweden.

Oh, you're from Sweden.

Oh, her-ma-der, bro.

Her-ma-der.

"The muppet show."

"The muppet show," yes.

Her-ma-der!

Hey, what's up, skates?

Can I get your help here?

I'm running for city council.

Trying to get the traffic lights

to be smart traffic lights, but

most importantly...

I want to defend sexy

offenders.

O0 c1

I'm looking to defend sexy

offenders.

What do I mean by that?

That is an excellent question.

You know how, like, it's illegal

for two girls to make out right

here?

Like, I want to make that legal.

Murder is jail.

Except if they're sexy.

Unless they're sexy.

You know what I mean?

Uh, you know.

It's reasonable, right?

Blades.

Come on, roller blades.

I think, out of all of us, sal

would be, probably, the best

politician.

No.

He's certainly the most

likable.

Oh, I think so.

No.

Sal's the kind of guy you want

to sing karaoke with, not lead

an invasion of Afghanistan with.

I'm running for city council.

Who's leading a

invasion.

Hey, how you doing?

I'm running for city council.

Look at the number of

backpacks this guy has.

He's got three backpacks.

No, he's got two backpacks

and a frontpack.

I'm lobbying for higher pay

for public schoolteachers, more

security in our parks...

And to limit the number of

backpacks to one.

To...

And then, also, to limit the

overall number of backpacks

people can carry to just one.

I mean, let's be fair.

Way more kesha.

You know, no deck shoes in the

winter.

More Nicki Minaj.

I want to rename Hitler

mustaches Charlie chaplin

mustaches.

I want to rename the Hitler

mustache to be called the

Charlie chaplin mustache.

It's a great style, and he's

taken that away from everyone.

But, really, chaplin did it

first, you know?

You just want to be on the

ballot?

Yes.

She wants nothing to do...

I appreciate it so much.

There you go.

I'll tell you what.

He looks like a politician out

there, like a lying sack of

excuse me, ma'am.

If I get two more signatures, I

can get on the ballot for city

council, and then I can run for

city council.

The most important part of my

platform...

Is bisexual crossing guards.

The mo...

The most important part of my

platform...

Bisexual crossing guards.

There's a perfectly good

explanation.

Hear me out.

Yeah, explain this one.

You know how, when you're

crossing a street, you can

either go one way or you can go

the other?

If the crossing guard's a

bisexual, you could go both

ways.

So, would you like to sign my

petition to be on city council?

Yeah.

You are a sweetheart.

Thank you so much.

Vote for gatto.

I'm trying to get on the ballot

real quick.

Can I talk to you two secs?

Hey, my friend.

Ma'am, how about you?

I'm just trying to get some

awareness to get me on the city

ballot.

Signatures here.

Joe, what's up?

You know what it is?

It's the tie.

He looks like an official jerk

right now.

That's right.

Hey, bud.

Talk to you two seconds.

I'm just trying to get on the

ballot for the New York City

council.

So, basically, I'm just trying

to get more subway cars.

I'm also looking to...

Less duck faces on Facebook.

I'm trying to start

digital-photo regulation so we

can get rid of duck faces on,

like, the social-networking

sites.

You know, duck face, like the...

You know, dumbass tweens are out

there doing the...

And then, you know, whatever.

So, I'm trying to regulate that

'cause nobody really wants to

see that.

You know, it's like, "oh, we're

in a bridal shower."

"Oh, the nightclub."

You know what I mean?

Like, "oh, gram's just died."

It's an initiative I'm pushing.

I'm trying to quack down on it,

really.

So, you don't want to sign,

then?

Okay, well, I appreciate...

he didn't get it!

Narrator: The votes are

counted, and murr is tonight's

big loser.

Murr is our loser.

And for your punishment, buddy,

you're gonna have to play

dodgeball in a professional

league.

Yeah, but we did you a favor.

To end the misery, all you got

to do is get one single player

out on the other team.

I think I could do that.

But dodgeball requires

hand-eye coordination, so we're

gonna take away those.

What do you mean?

Oh, you'll see.

You'll partially see.

Oven mitt!

I feel like an idiot.

It was your choice to wear

those shorts, murr.

All right, are we ready?

Hold on, hold on.

Here's the strategy.

I'm gonna stand behind you guys,

okay?

Protect me however you can.

Come on, blue team.

Blue team!

Come on.

All right.

Red team, are we ready?

Blue team, are we ready?

Make, like, a protective

shield.

Okay, three, two, one,

switch!

Wait, what the

what the

oh, my god.

Let's go!

O0 c1

oh!

Oh!

Come on, murr, just one guy

out.

He can't throw lefty.

Guys, get him!

Get him!

Get him again.

Aah!

They need more balls.

I think they need more.

They need more.

All right, guys, there you

go.

Wait, what the...

Oh

There you go, boys.

Stop it!

Get them off!

Oh!

Stop!

This is... this is bad.

No mercy!

This is not how dodgeball is

played.

That is how you punish

Murray.

I did good?

You did great.

Did I hit somebody?

No, you didn't hit anybody.

Medic!