All language subtitles for Not.That.Funny.2012.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

Are you on your way?

Why didn't they tell you that yesterday?

Okay, well, I'll figure something out. I
gotta go. Love you. Bye.

Stefan?

Hi. How's it going?

I don't know what to do. Frankie's got
to work.

What? Oh.

Oh, you're kidding, right?

Please.

You want me to entertain a group of four
-year -olds?

Oh, no, no, no. I can't. I can't. I
can't do it. I can't make the kids

That's crazy. Josiah's been sleeping
with his trains for a week.

What's that?

Smoke.

Smoke?

All right, kids.

Here it comes.

Thank you.

All right, I'll see you later.

Bye, guys.

Thanks, Stephanie.

We have a couple more conversations.

Thanks so much. I'll get to you later.

Bye,

guys.

I am writing my last word, then you are
sitting down and you beat me. Sorry it

took so long. The Pope could get through
a crowd faster than you can, huh?

So, did you speak to Adelaide's niece?

I did. We spoke on the phone.

She's nice.

Nice niece.

You must understand

this is my wife talking, okay?

And she says a man should not eat so
much takeout food.

I cook.

I cook.

I'm alone. I'm not lonely.

I promise. I'm alone. I'm not lonely.

It's funny. I used to say the exact same
thing before I married my dear

Adelaida. I'm alone, but not lonely.

All right, I gotta go.

I've got an appointment.

So I will call you later?

Yes, please.

All right.

See you later.

See you.

A lot of paperwork to make sure nothing
has to change.

Yeah.

Did I sign one that said I'm a sound
mind and all that stuff? Oh, yeah, yeah,

yeah, real good.

Hey, you know, Fred, he's going to come
by tomorrow and break the house. Okay.

Okay, uh, there is, um, there is
something we need to talk about. Oh.

I have never liked cats. They just
wander off and forget you. It's about

car. There was a cat I really liked,
though, but I can't remember his name

now. But it was, I think I played the
trumpet.

Bad Schmo. That was his name. Oh, golly.
Sweetie loved that cat.

She used to walk him on the leash.

I probably told you that before.

That's okay.

But you know what? I think I have a
picture of that cat here somewhere.

Oh, look at that.

This is the first time she ever called
herself sweetie.

I thought you gave Haley that name. No,
she chose it for herself. She said it

was sweet like candy.

I probably told you that.

It's okay.

But we're going to have to talk about
your car.

It's another time. Come on, tell me
about Pachmo. I want to hear it. I love

story. Oh, you're so cute. I do.

Hey, I wanted to let you know I had a
great conversation with Fred. Oh.

And he said the escrow's going to close
the week after next.

I mean, there's some work here and
there, but it's nothing that I can't

care of. Oh, that's nice.

Yeah.

Oh, she's here.

Who?

Hailey.

Sweetie. Oh, my gosh.

Look at you.

You're so groany. Oh, she's great.

And this is Devin.

Oh, sorry.

Oh. Devin.

Stefan? Yeah. You're the one... Wow, I
thought you were 2D -bait. Oh, that's

hilarious.

This is O 'Neill, my boss, my grandma.

This is Richmond, pleasure.

O 'Neill, that's all?

Finn. Oh. Finn is Patrick O 'Neill. Oh,
Finn is. Well, Finn is... This is

Stefan, my... Hey, nice to meet you.
Same here. I help Mrs. Richmond with her

finances. And I rent... I live in the
treehouse. What? Yeah. My treehouse?

You didn't tell me that.

Well, let's not stand here. Let's go
inside where we can visit.

I guess you're a tea drinker.

No, no, no.

Not ever.

Something stronger.

Oh, okay.

Coffee.

Go right in. Haley, I'll show you
around.

Okay. Oh, I'm so happy you're here.
Okay, get over here.

as when you were in the lab.

I'll tell you what that was. Thank you.

Must have been a nice house about 100
years ago.

Yeah, we've been trying to work on it.

It's a bit dilapidated.

Yeah.

Garden's dry.

Yeah, maybe I'll water it.

Glad you said that.

I've been meaning to do that.

Well, can't somebody help water, at
least?

Toogie, the plum tree's gone.

I can't really ask the renters.

And Stefan already does so much.

But you already know everything about
this whole place. I want to know about

and your life. It sounds so exciting.

Yeah, well, you know, working day in and
day out with someone who's...

Galvanizing for change.

You learn so much.

Tell me, what is it that you guys do?

I do development for the organization.

Oh, okay. Yeah. We serve in nearly 78
countries.

Uh -huh.

You know, working to free children from
slavery. You know, that sort of stuff.

It's a lot of travel for me.

Galvanizing people.

The Russians with the guilty
consciences.

Of course, yeah.

Yeah.

There's a lot of smiling.

Uh -huh. Meeting celebrities,
ambassadors.

Yeah. Press.

Uh -huh.

Nelson.

Oh, Mandela. Yeah. Oh.

So what is it that Haley does?

Well, it's her job to keep me smiling,
so to speak. Oh, I see. I see.

Owen, I'm really sorry that we are not
seeing the night after all.

I didn't have my heart set on it.

How are you, Toogie?

You okay?

Oh, I couldn't be better.

I do miss your grandfather sometimes.

But Devin takes really good care of me.

That's why I want to get there, you
know.

But Hayley, she wanted to visit this
whole place.

And the grandmother.

So here we are.

I remember wanting to do that once when
I was her age.

But you can never go home again, can
you, Stefan?

You can try.

It's Stefan, actually.

And I never imagined the grandmother I
heard so much about would be so

delightful. Oh, thank you.

You must have an actual name more
elegant than Toogie that fits you.

I suppose I do, but I've forgotten what
it is.

Devin? Yeah?

May I see the treehouse?

Oh, yes, yes, of course, yes. Excuse me,
I'd love to show you the treehouse.

Or your room, actually.

Okay.

Um, I'll stay with the car for a second,
okay?

Oh, sure.

Gretchen?

Um, you've got to get me out of here.

I kind of left your stuff in it, and I
just added my stuff into yours.

I hope you don't mind, too. You didn't
really have a place for your stuff, so I

hope that's okay.

Yeah.

Oh, you know, you can't see it with the
bed over here, but I used to lay down

under the chandelier and pretend it was
the sun.

Wow.

I can't believe it, my old bed.

Oh, because of your mattress.

So inappropriate.

I'm sorry. It's your bed.

No, no, no. I mean, technically, it's
your bed. I mean, it's your bed, right?

Sorry. No, please. It's fine.

Oh, man. Those don't open. They've got
to be painted shut or something.

I might have a mat knife. We can try and
open it.

Oh.

Wow.

How did you do that?

A lap.

It's a lap? What?

No way. What?

Look at that.

You didn't know that? It's a whole new
world.

It's like air all the time.

Gosh, how pretty.

Wow.

Look at the branches.

Don't tell me the orange tree is dying,
too.

What do you mean, too?

Like the plum tree?

That stump in the yard?

And the tangerine tree that was in the
way back?

You know, honestly, the garden hasn't
been kept up very well since your

grandfather passed.

Oh, man.

He was quite the gardener.

It's going to be so weird coming back
here with him gone.

When you were little, didn't he string
that tree with Christmas lights?

Yeah.

How did you know that? Yeah.

Tiggy loves to tell that story. She's
told me that a thousand times.

I put the bed in the middle of the room
under the window and kept them open so I

felt like I was in the trees.

Oh, I see. In the treehouse. Mm -hmm.
Got it, got it.

I really didn't expect things to be so
different from the old days.

Listen to me. When did I get old enough
to have old days?

And I'm sorry. You don't want to be
listening to the stories of a 12 -year

girl. What, are you kidding?

I know all your stories.

i can tell you that i'll show you did
that ledge over there on the roof that's

where you jumped off with an umbrella
after you saw mary poppins and you

sprained your ankle and then uh over
here i think is where a flock of wild

parrots gathered in that persimmon tree
and you ran out and they flew off and

then you never ate another persimmon
after that or have you yeah no okay and

then right under here is where you end
your trips around the block and you'd

have a picnic with your doll

Who I believe are all human rights
activists.

Is that right?

Man, I've heard a thousand stories about
you.

To you, uh... Hey,

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to... No, I'm... I'm fine.
Nothing that you're saying is... Um...

But actually, it is.

What?

It's just in...

All those stories.

Back then, I was happy.

Hayley?

It's Gretchen. Sly changed the plan. We
have to leave.

Gretchen, darling, give the details to
the one who's going to handle it.

Hold on. Here she comes.

Come on.

Goodbye, Phineas. Have a safe journey.

God, I haven't been called Phineas in
years.

No. You remind me of my grandmother.

Well, you remind me of my son, Hayley's
father.

Have a good trip. Thanks.

Nice meeting you.

I'll get the car going.

Oh, I'm surprised you didn't leave it
running.

I hate to go.

Well, you better go. You don't want to
make your boss angry.

Come on, sweetie.

Hey, I want to sit with something. I'll
get it really quick.

Here. Here, run. Run. Give it to her.
Okay.

Hey, sorry.

I just wanted to look through this with
you.

You'll take good care of her, won't you?

Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

Maybe you should repark your car.

I swear he gave me a look.

Like watering flowers was beneath him.
What sort of man doesn't want to do

housework? I mean, he's not the issue
here. The issue is the girl. And the

is... You're not even listening to me.

Hello?

This is new.

I see you every day, but never like
this. You are distracted, ignoring me.

You're even rude.

But this is good.

And what exactly did your sweetie say?

Cork. Sweetie's her nickname. She's not
my sweetie. Okay, what did she say?

She said that Tugi's all she had in this
world. She said, I'm sorry she stayed

away so long.

And she said she'd come back. For you?

For Tugi. She told you this?

I don't know. She lives in D .C. That's
good.

Here in Sierra Madre is where she grew
up. This is where she spent her youth.

Such memory is called unimaginable
power.

I've heard so many stories about her as
a little girl.

She's my age.

It's so weird to get something in your
mind that you think is true and things

change. Like, time passes. My life has
passed.

I mean, I thought by now I'd have a
wife, I'd have a son. I never thought

you know, be spending our life alone.

Yeah.

When she returns, you must push Sweetie
off her feet.

Sweep her off her feet. Sweep her off
her feet, your Sweetie. Not my Sweetie.

You must welcome her home, then you must
find out what she wants, and then you

must offer it to her, no matter how
impossible.

I'm sorry.

Sorry, I'm just sneaking around the
house. Sorry.

I just, uh... I just had to come back.

If it's okay, um... O 'Neil's is gonna
pick me up on his way back, and I'll

stay.

If it's okay.

Oh, my gosh. Hayley, Jane.

Oh, this is your home.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Hi.

Those Mary's cinnamon biscuits?

You could have just left those up here
while you shot.

Oh,

they're for my landlady.

Like I don't know who Toogie is.

Hey, I heard Haley was in town.

Yeah, yeah, she was.

Hey, I need 100 feet of Romex. Do you
have it? Yeah.

Thank you. Oh, excuse me.

Ah, Toogie. Hey, Toogie.

Oh, okay, okay. Uh, turn the, uh, turn
the faucet off and the garbage disposal

and just put a bucket under the sink.

What? Who did?

Haley? Wait, she's back?

Uh, okay.

Okay, I'll be right there.

There's leaking under the sink.

It's, uh, it's just the food, the, uh,
the... Garbage disposal. It needs, um,

needs one of the... Rubber seal. Right.

I'll take it. Great, thank you. That
way. It's, uh, after five. Okay, good.

Yeah, O 'Neal was pissed.

Sorry, angry.

Actually, he was pissed drunk, to say
the least.

So after he left, I just stayed in this
crappy little airport bar for hours.

And I had the stuff from the shoebox.

And I was looking at pictures of myself
from four, and then

when I was ten.

14, 18.

And then nothing.

Like my life just stopped.

Well, sweetie, that's when you went away
to college.

Yeah.

Oh, that smell.

It reminds me of Papa.

Yeah, welcome home.

Thank you.

So what happened?

Oh, I don't know.

Katie just saw water coming out of the
bottom. Everything was fine this

All right, let me take a look at it.

Okay.

Oh, those smell good.

Oh, yeah.

They're from Mary's.

Yeah.

This is what I thought.

Hey, can you, um, grab me, um, one of
these? In the plastic bag, there's a

little seal.

You have it?

Yeah, thank you.

All right, I'm gonna be out of your hair
in just a second.

Oh, and I'm gonna, um, I'm gonna go fix
that tub.

Oh, thank you. That's great.

Lovely.

You forgot I wanted to have your
children.

What does that mean?

The Von Trapp family.

You wanted to be just like Maria.

You know what I remember most about his
house?

Your laughter.

You've always been so happy, Judy.

Your grandfather did that to me. He
could make me laugh like nobody else.

You know, that's what I want.

That's all I want.

Somebody who can make me laugh like
that.

That is officially the worst thing she
could have said.

I am so not that guy.

A man goes his whole life not knowing
what the woman wants.

He forgives his information.

I've got some of the receipts here and
the rest are at home.

I'll just come back tomorrow.

Hey, this is kind of a weird question,
but have I ever made you laugh?

Have I ever made you laugh?

Not everyone has to be funny.

You're not funny, it's true.

But you are smart.

You can learn to be funny just like you
learn anything else.

I have an uncle who is a big -name
comedian, Homo Sargesi, if you remember.

And he said, you always learn from the
best.

That's very funny.

Can you help me? What I'm saying is, you
have the possibility of learning to be

funny.

Besides, what choice do you have?

Thank you.

Blind people hate text messages.

Is it just me or do bulldogs look like
yellow labs with Down syndrome?

C -sections are like the DiGiorno of
pregnancy.

What if they have Alzheimer's?

Can you think about that?

What if the homeless person has
Alzheimer's and they actually forget

didn't live?

It's sad that I remember that they're
the ones who did that to themselves.

This is just a poll for the audience.
How many women in here want to have sex

with you tonight?

What?

in a decade.

I've got some cinnamon biscuits in the
oven.

Why don't you sit down and you can tell
me all about life since you stopped

babysitting my kids, okay?

It's all downhill, Mary.

This is not so funny.

I know. I know.

Women think so.

He's mean.

I know.

That's what I think. That's what I
think. Look at this.

Look at all the women laughing.

This is not going to attract a wife like
your sweetie.

Her name is Hayley.

All right. This is what Connie from the
hardware store gave me.

What's this?

It's a coaster.

Coaster?

I am a queen because my pantyhose say I
am.

Why is that funny? Is it because
pantyhose don't talk? I don't know. I

nothing about pantyhose.

Human, it's not so easy to learn on your
own. Look, this guy, this guy, this guy

knows what he's talking about. He's got
something.

Norm Getz. Yeah, Norm Getz.

He's got the magic something.

Okay. So we try Norm Getz. Why not? We
try all our friends, the coasters, the

online, and even call up my uncle in his
grave if we have to. My aunt knows how.

Okay, we can do that.

It's a joke.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm not... I'm
sorry.

Okay. I will call you later. Thank you,
sir.

What will you call with?

Hey, I'm sorry I'm late. Oh, no worries.

Um,

why don't you go hang out over there and
I'll go in and get the receipts, okay?

And we'll take care of it.

Oh, okay. Be right back.

Hey,

what are you up to?

Hey.

I'm just realizing all that's changed.

You or this town?

That's what I'm trying to figure out.

I'll grab a seat. Oh, thanks.

Hey, thanks for the orange this morning.
Oh, you're welcome.

I thought about giving it to a homeless
guy I know.

Well, that's a nice thought.

Yeah, except he doesn't know where he
lived.

What do you mean? I thought you just
said he was homeless.

Well, he has Alzheimer's.

Oh, God.

You know, that is my worst fear, that
you lose your mind like that and no one

help.

Well, he's just this homeless guy that I
know from around here. He's fine,

really. He's got a place to stay.

He's not a home.

He's not homeless, per se, but he's...

Must be tough. Yeah, it is. It's tough.
It's really tough.

It's a nice guy, though.

You know what? I've got to run.

I've got so many appointments. I don't
know what I'm doing just sitting around

chatting.

I'll see you at home. Okay.

Yep. I'll see you at home.

Enjoy your biscuit.

Bye. I'll see you.

Could be spent on the things that we
have.

Could be spent on the...

then

I want you to make a list of all the
things you want in a man and all the

you don't want. And at the end, we'll
see if they add up to be your boss.

Mm -hmm.

No littering.

No powdered creamer.

No powdered creamer, okay.

Oh, and I don't like withering. Write
that down.

Your father withered?

Yep. Mm -hmm.

Do you remember Grandpa putting the
lights in the orange tree outside my

treehouse? Mm -hmm.

Stefan mentioned that the other day.

I'd forgotten about it.

You don't think that they would still be
there, do you?

Come on.

Where are you going? We're going to go
to the treehouse. Come on.

We shouldn't be in here, I tell you.

Oh, you are such a chicken.

Stefan, you just walk in.

I do it all the time. This way, I can
see my oranges without climbing up the

stairs.

That wiring should still be here.

California Fireflies, isn't that what
you call them? Hey, he put the bed under

the window like I had it.

Did he?

Hey, Cork.

Cheers.

Ah, big news.

First, the coaster with the party horse.

Adelaide says that this is humor that is
meant for women, so it's not supposed

to be funny for us.

Oh, that makes sense.

But then I had a brainstorm.

Fantastic work, this one. Who knows what
makes women laugh, huh?

So we ask him.

So we just ask him?

Yes.

Who are you going to ask? All your
clients. They're your friends anyway. We

them what they think is funny, and we
videotape their answers. We use your

smart phone.

You know?

My smart phone.

Okay. Okay.

Yeah, let's try it. We will see what we
will see.

My Uncle Larry used to do this. Oh, my
God. Yeah, it made him laugh.

Every time, without fail. Oh, okay.

It's a shrug of the shoulder.

His eyes would get big, and I would come
up like this.

What is that thing that your brother
said?

Like, I'm here all week, ladies and
gentlemen.

You know?

My brother doesn't say that.

You're thinking of that line from the
movie...

Where the guy goes, I'm here till
Thursday.

That's what it is. I'm here till
Thursday What makes you laugh that guys

what what would a guy do that would make
you laugh?

Okay, so my friend Robbie was over and
we were hanging out and you know I he

time for him to go so I took his keys
and Then you know in order for him to

it back, you know, you had to kind of
hug me and hold my hand So you talk real

real slow and you've got to always act
in the first syllable Like come and get

my remote

Okay, it's really funny.

Tell a joke and they just do that.

I don't know. I don't know.

What about those coasters?

Funny.

So funny. So funny.

Thank you.

When he comes up to say hello, he'll
jump in front of me and just be like,

what's up?

What's up?

But he'll say it really loud. My truck
got stuck in the ditch.

Okay. Bitch.

Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch.

See it. See it.

And so you would do this to her all the
time? No, no, I didn't do that. No.

It was Uncle Larry.

Oh. Have you guys heard of the comedian
Norm Gatling? Oh, I hate that guy. Yeah,

I know that guy. He's hysterical.

Oh. Okay.

She's got a lot of work to do. Yeah.

She's been here about three months, I
think.

Hey. No,

but you told me. So we closed the patio
for you guys. I'll bring it back myself.

Come with me.

Surprise,

surprise.

Wow.

Well, I thought that was an interesting
day today.

Did you see Lori laughing at Ronnie's
uncle's expression? Well, that is great

you're going to marry Lori.

Ah.

You know, most people don't know that
Armenians make the finest brandy.

Mm -hmm.

Once I drank a shot of Armenian cognac.

Arach. $6 ,000. One shot.

No. Yes.

Bottled in 1770.

Wow. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.

Every year, Rogelio orders me a not
quite so expensive bottle for my

anniversary of my first marriage,

which is today.

Good work. Wow.

Turi was my first wife.

She taught me how to bring things out of
my imagination and into the real world.

What happened to her?

She died in childbirth.

Oh, gosh.

Our son, he survived for two days, but
was too small to live on without her.

I thought I was, too.

I carry her here every day of my life.

So to our son.

And to Turi.

Who taught me to never hesitate.

Cheers.

It's smooth.

It's nice, huh?

It's very nice.

So, Stefan, my dear friend.

I think it is about time that you told
someone your story.

Yes. Do you not have a first love?

Someone you care deeply for?

Yes.

Yes,

I do.

I did.

Okay. It was after graduate school, and
I was working with this

investment firm.

And they had new business in St.
Petersburg, Russia.

And I met this girl, Yulia.

Uh -huh.

Somehow I suspected a story like this.

And she was my translator.

And I fell madly in love with her. Head
over heels.

She was, oh, my God.

She was beautiful.

Just stunning beautiful.

Should never have been with me. Oh, come
on. Hands down. Trust me. But I was

transferred back to the States, and I
promised her that I would bring her

really. And I told her I would marry
her.

It didn't work out, really.

Anyways, five years passed, and I got
this letter from her, routed through my

old boss.

She said that she was married and she
had a baby.

Before the five years, before she was
married, you didn't think of going back

Russia to find her, to bring her back to
the United States? No, I couldn't. I

couldn't. I mean, it was, you know, it
was Russia. But if one has a passion for

somebody, nothing can stop them. You
practically needed an invitation to get

visa. I just, I couldn't, I couldn't
just hop back. If you wanted to, you

do that. But wait, wait, wait. Why are
you centering on me? Why are we talking

about this? This is your night. This is
your anniversary.

So, another toast.

Another toast to your first wife.

Cheers.

This is very good, by the way.

Have good news.

Quieter, quieter, quieter. Please,
please don't do that.

God,

this is a result of your famous brandy.
Ah, that's because you must wash it down

with Armenian coffee.

Otherwise, blech.

That's the best coffee.

Just drink it all? Yeah.

I never hesitate.

What's your good news?

God! I have found your stand -up man.

That's the guy?

Uh -huh, that is him.

He's performing close by.

Go and talk to him.

Do you think he'll mind just asking him
questions? No, no, they love that.

Wait. And every time she does something,
I need so much. Really?

Oh, he's not bringing up anything here.

Nay. Oh, it's Stefan.

Stefan Lane.

And?

I just got a few questions for you. Hey,
I told your friend. I don't have any

money. Stop bothering me. Oh, no, no,
no, I'm sorry. I'm not a collection

agency. I'm not doing that.

Do you know what time it is?

Nine something.

Oh, 9 -11.

Hmm, man.

Too soon.

Sorry.

So, thank you for coming by. Oh, no, no,
no, no. Listen, I've seen all your

videos online. All of them.

All of your videos.

Wait, so you're a fan? Yeah. Did you
Google my address? How did you find out

where I lived? Oh, no, no. I just
followed you home last night.

Oh, my God. That sounds awful. Listen,
listen, listen. I tried to get into the

show last night. I wanted to talk to you
at the show, but I let the people in,

and it was just a... It was crazy.

What do you want?

I just need some advice.

Okay, go do a thousand open mics and
then Facebook me. No, no, I don't want

be on stage. I want to be funny to a
certain type of audience.

What demographic?

Women.

I actually know what you need. Yeah,

hold this.

You like dogs?

Yeah. Okay.

I'm going to be back in just a moment.

Yeah,

but I'm funny. You really?

I'm good with money.

I'm a CPA, and I got my CFA. That is so
crazy, because I'm actually PCP, and I'm

verified in CPR, and I have the KFC.

Who do you want to call?

You got a collection agency calling you
every night, don't you? Who doesn't?

I can get those off your back.

You can?

Yeah, I can.

Okay, so what, I just give you all my
personal info? Do you want my social

security card and my mom's maiden name?
I'll just, the guy that I don't know,

let me just give him everything I have.
Hey, look at my card, look at my card.

You can look me up. I'm totally legit.

Okay.

Yeah. And all I have to do is just teach
you how to be funny, and then you'll

take care of that?

Yes.

Okay.

Ironic t -shirts.

Wait, that's your advice? Ironic t
-shirts? Yeah, women love them. And they

basically do all the work. You don't
have to do anything.

Okay. I get paid about $750 an hour, and
I'm going to be on the phone for two

hours taking care of your personal
problems. That's all you got?

Okay, has anything bad ever happened to
you? Have you done anything bad?

Yeah, but it's not funny.

Sarcasm.

That'll work. That works every time. It
means to tear flesh.

But you have to go all the way with it.
You can't hold back at all. Does she

have a boyfriend?

Yeah. Okay, yeah, just obliterate the
guy in front of her. Make him feel

She'll laugh.

You win.

And that's it.

Okay.

Done.

What, I'll look you up, make sure you're
okay, legit.

I'll send you my financial stuff, which
I have to get out of the garbage.

And then you'll take care of Sylvia,
this three -headed dog that just calls

every night to get her off my back.

You'll do that?

Until then, I'm going to watch you walk
off the property because you are

creeping me out.

And any chance before you go, you can
give my dog back.

Thanks for holding up.

All right. Thanks, Gary.

Stepping.

Stepping.

Humor tips.

Freaking idiot.

myself using that switch.

I'm glad I could fix it for you.

You know, Toogie says you remind her of
my grandfather.

Really?

In what way?

Handy around the house.

Oh, okay.

Clean shirt.

Good listener.

Means a lot to her.

Well, it means a lot to me.

I noticed that, too.

You pay attention.

You feel like my kindergarten teacher.

I was a pretty serious five -year -old.

As opposed to now?

Oh, no, I think you listen to people
when they tell you who they are.

Really, like a superpower?

You can tell me who I am just by
listening to me?

That's simple.

You just need to remember who you are.

And you're the guy to remind me?

Me? No.

I'm the guy fixing the socket there.

But it'd be easy to do.

What?

It'd be easy to do.

I've been listening to you since we met.

You're not such a mystery.

Wow.

I don't know whether to be complimented
or...

It's open.

Yeah, I can tell you that too.

I can tell you that over dinner later if
you want.

Why not now?

First, I gotta save your life here.

Okay, dinner then. Okay.

And you can tell me who I am.

Okay. Because getting that cleared up is
on my list of things to do while I'm

here.

Oh, careful for the ditch.

What? The ditch?

That's supposed to be funny.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't know why people say ditch.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Alfresco dining, locally.

All righty. Would you like some wine?
Yeah.

Hey.

What nice personal service Thank you

Thank

you

sir, thank you very much Well take out
it's my specialty

Tell me your story and I'll tell you who
you are.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

I wouldn't even know where to start.

Uh, you can start... I don't know, how
you came to live with your grandparents.

Uh, well, if I'm going to start there, I
might need more of this.

Ah, yeah, sure, definitely.

So anytime my dad would try to
straighten up, he would just come and

He would literally fix his life by
disrupting mine.

So after that last time, that's when
they formally adopted me.

Wow.

Sounds like he needed to get his own act
together.

Yeah. No, he never got around to that.
No.

I just realized something.

That's exactly what O 'Neal does.

Exactly.

He shows up when he wants to feel better
about himself.

Some power that you have.

I don't know about that.

But you see, I don't really tell people
who they are. They figure it out for

themselves, you know?

I'm disappointed.

I thought you were going to read my palm
or something.

Oh, well, I could try if you want.

Something witty right now would be
really convenient.

Sorry.

It's okay, you know what? Though it's
really late, so I think I should just

check on you. Sure, yeah.

You can just go through my place if you
want.

Hey. What are you still doing up? Aren't
you tired?

I am tired. I am tired, but I'm happy.

Happy about what?

I don't have to worry about the house
anymore.

What do you mean?

Uh, it's, um, what's that word?

It's called escrow.

I sold stuff in the house.

You sold stuff in the house? Mm -hmm.

Yeah, but don't worry about it.
Nothing's going to change. Everything

just like it was.

What? What do you mean everything will
be just like it was?

I don't exactly know. I mean, I'm going
to live here and everybody's going to be

the same.

And Stefan said for me not to worry
about it. And so I'm not worrying about

You can just... Why don't you ask
Stefan?

Hey.

You're just acting all Mr. Nice Guy,
huh?

Sawing wood and fixing crap.

Wait, wait, wait.

What are you talking about? What
happened? I know about the house. I know

you're trying to buy it out from under
us.

Is that part of the future that you saw?

Tukey and Aresto?

Listen, I think you got the wrong idea.
Oh, I don't think so. I think it's all

becoming really clear.

Okay, can you please do me a favor and
call Fred? He's the bank property

assessor. He'll tell you what's going
on.

I should call Fred. He's right here.
What's he going to tell me? Is he going

talk to me like I'm Tukey and that I
shouldn't bother myself with paperwork?

Yeah, Haley, you should call him because
he can tell you how it is. And he can

tell you that if somebody doesn't do
something, then Tukey is going to end up

a rest home, and I don't want to let
that happen. And I would really

it if you don't tell Tukey how much this
place is worth. Don't tell me how to

talk to my grandmother. You need to
check your boundaries here because

my old bedroom doesn't make you family.

Hey.

Hey.

So I just figured out that you're
putting money into fixing our house just

you can overpay us for it.

So much for your investment credibility.

Well, there's all kinds of investments.

I owe you an apology.

What I should be telling you is how much
I appreciate

not only what you do for Tooby, but also
how much you mean to her.

I was just thought of this whole place
being sold when I'm just figuring out

much it means to me, how much my history
is tied up here.

You know, where all the keys are hidden
and where the floorboards creak when

you're sneaking around, where the
breakers are.

What am I talking about? I don't even
know where the breakers are.

I just remember my grandpa saying that
they...

We're in some weird place.

I just want to be clear about something.
I just happen to be at the right place

at the right time to help Tugi when she
needs it most.

I mean, how often do you get to do
something like that for someone?

The breakers that are over by the
basement door.

underneath the ceiling.

Toogie? Toogie?

Are you looking for Toogie?

Yeah, her car's gone. I saw her drive
away about an hour ago.

Okay, thanks.

Oh.

Excuse me, do you know where the
cinnamon biscuit place is?

Oh, gosh, I don't get down here too
much.

Toogie's gone.

Well, she probably just went to go get
donuts. No, I mean, she's been gone a

long time, and usually she tells me
where she's going.

And I know you're angry with me, but
could you just, I mean, would you just

me find her? Yeah, of course. No,
absolutely.

was kind of parked weirdly.

Oh, here, wait.

Here's the, I see, okay, I see Mary.

Uh, yeah, Toogie's with her.

Toogie's right there.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

That's right.

No, no, no, no, no.

She's fine.

That's fine.

Sorry. No, it's okay.

Hey.

Sorry I didn't tell you I was going.

Me too.

Thank you. You're welcome. Can you come
up and get the car? Okay.

Great. Thank you so much, Mary.

You bet.

Oh, I just got here. Took you off your
car again.

Really? Yeah. Oh, I know.

I'm trying to talk to her about it.

Hey, Frankie.

How are you?

What's up, my brother?

What's up?

I had to wear your suit.

I know. I wore it the other day. Come
on.

I kind of blew it. It worked.

Thanks for doing that. No worries. You
getting a cookie?

Okay. All right. Good seeing you.

Yes,

it is.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Come here.

What is this? Look at this.

How old are you?

Eighteen. Eighteen.

I don't want to visit my sweet Sarah in
the hospital. Give me the pack. It's

crazy. I'll take it. Here.

Hey.

Oh, okay.

What are you doing?

I'm taking Toogie's car back. You're
going to leave Sweetie here? She's

for you. Do you see that guy right
there?

That's her boss.

That's the fabulous humanitarian who's
really good at accents. That's the

a**hole who's taking her back to D .C.
You mustn't let that happen.

Don't give up so easily.

Oh, my God.

Easily? Giving up is not easy.

You work so very, very hard when no one
can see you. But when it comes time to

fight, you give up. Why is that? Why
won't you fight? Why do I have to fight?

I'm not looking for a fight. That's not
me. All right?

You sound like Norm. Obliterate the
competition.

Forget that comedian, huh? Forget about
trying to make her laugh. That is not

important. Right now, you have Sweetie
in there about to wreck her life.

And you will not fight.

What are you doing here?

Do I know you?

You remember me, do you?

We had like a 30 -minute conversation
about two weeks ago.

Wow.

Why does it like to be that self
-absorbed?

That must be wonderfully simple.

Oh, no, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Wait a
minute. I don't even think I said

during that conversation.

My mistake.

No wonder you don't even know who I am.
No, no, I do know you. Oh, really? Yeah,

you're the plant whisperer, right? No,
I'm Stefan.

I'm Stefan the plant whisperer.

You probably don't remember this either,
but I'm the guy who takes care of

Haley's home and her family while she
keeps you smiling in your little press

conferences around the world.

Miss Richmond is with me because she
believes in what we're doing.

Oh, I see. How can you expect to
galvanize people without Haley's help?

You have no choice but to come back here
and take her from the one person who

actually does need her.

Who deserves to be taken care of.

Someone who actually does love her.

And who are we talking about here?

You or the grandmother?

What's important here is Haley.

And what she owes to the woman who 25
years ago saved her from a narcissistic

idiot like you.

Hey.

It's nothing.

I'm here until Thursday.

sleep apnea so it's for my breathing hey
i'm not i'm not your neighbor norm

yeah

he took care of the collection agency
thank you thank you welcome

dad hey i tried your sarcasm advice

oh

Yeah, yeah, when you came over.

What happened?

Pretty ashamed of myself.

Yeah.

Welcome to my home.

What? You know what?

God, is that a new door?

Is it?

No, it's not a new door. Let's have a
beer. Get in here. Let's have a beer.

I hate when women say they want a guy
that makes them laugh.

They don't want what's on the other side
of what I do.

The shame, loneliness, anger towards
everything.

Yeah, you're not funny.

Yeah. But that's not bad. That's not a
bad thing.

Like, you listen to people.

You can listen to a guy talk, and that
is unique.

Look at me. I've never talked to anybody
like this.

Like two ears, one mouth.

Mathematically, you're doing the right
thing.

Yeah.

Yeah, you want to find a woman that
wants a man like that.

You want to find a woman that wants you.

Toogie?

Toogie?

Oh, hi.

I'm just...

Just feeling a little puny, nothing
serious.

You must be hungry.

Oh, no.

I guess, um, you probably heard who came
into Mary's today, huh?

Your boss.

Yeah.

Well, he offered me a better job.

He said I could live here on D .C.

That I could have both lives.

opposite of what I want.

Get two lives and be alone in both of
them.

I don't know why I feel so sleepy.

I guess we both

have some hard things to face, huh?

My car.

I know you think it means giving up your
independence.

But don't make it mean anything that it
doesn't have to mean.

Hey, you need to learn to let your
people chauffeur you around.

Oh, my people.

the cloud is pouring removing the ever
blinding strong

Come on, have a nice fresh cup of
coffee. No, no, no, okay, thank you. I

This is, uh, gonna come out of left
field for you.

But, um... I owe you an apology.

You do?

Yeah, you've been a really good friend
to me, Cork, and I, uh... I pretty much

lied to you.

About what?

You know, so many times I have told
you...

That I'm alone, but I'm not lonely.

The fact is, I'm lonely.

And I got no right to complain about it
because it's my own fault.

I lied to you about Yulia, that Russian
woman that I was with.

When I transferred from St. Petersburg
back to New York, and I promised that I

would send for her, I didn't.

And it wasn't that I couldn't go back.

I was afraid.

That when she got here, it wouldn't be
what she dreamed of. That I wouldn't be

what she dreamed of.

And so I convinced myself that I was
doing her a favor to let her go.

And not in one million years, not in one
million years did I ever think that she

was waiting for me.

That she was hurt. That she was lonely.
That she was heartbroken.

And I was responsible for that. I did
that to her.

So when I got that letter six months
ago, My God, that destroyed me.

She didn't do it to hurt me. She did it
to relieve me.

She wanted to let me know that I didn't
have to worry, that she was going to be

okay, that she'd found happiness, and
that she forgave me.

And Kevork, that was love.

And I had that.

I had that.

I'm sorry, I just... I just needed... I
just really

needed to tell somebody that. It's okay.

Thank you for telling me.

Things will get better.

Thank you.

Yeah. I will see you later, all right?
Okay, all right. You bring my

Yeah, I will.

Everything unseen, darkness falls, all
are set free.

It's God's way.

Thanks for coming.

Wow.

You are beautiful.

Wow. This is nice.

It's really nice.

Thank you.

Okay. First, I'm just going to jump in.
I got an apology to make about being

unkind to O 'Neal.

He didn't deserve that.

And I betrayed your confidence, and I'm
really sorry about that.

I really am.

Nick, I've got something to say, and I
don't know how to say this.

I like you.

I really like you.

And after you came in town, it was
probably the first or second day, you

Toogie were in the kitchen, and I was
fixing the sink, and I overheard you

saying that you were looking for a guy
to make you laugh.

completely understandable.

I mean, I get it. And so I tried.

I read books. I looked on the internet.
I watched people.

I talked to women about what they
thought was funny.

And then I did it.

I tried to be funny around you.

You did? Yeah.

Really?

That's kind of sad that you didn't even
notice. But anyways,

have you heard of this stand -up name
Norm Getz?

No. Okay.

I was watching videos of this guy doing
stand -up. I thought his stuff was kind

of harsh, but people think he's really
funny, especially women.

So I go to his house for help, and to
make a very long and extremely

embarrassing story short, I go, oh, no,
no, no, no, no. I know this is

ridiculous, but I got so focused that
when I realized that you and O 'Neal are

going to go off to D .C.,

I got, I mean, desperate's not the
right, well, maybe desperate is the

word. I didn't know what to do.

I sat down with Norm, and he began to
tell me stories of how humiliating

is really funny.

And you've just got to go for the kill.

I'm a good jerk.

That's the thing. He's not at all a
jerk. And please, I'm not an idiot,

I'm not an idiot. I know that when guys
like Norm gets, he's a guy like me, they

immediately are like, that's raw meat. I
mean, how can I abuse that guy?

But that is the same instinct that
allows them to trust me when they need

talk to somebody.

And that's what I did.

I just sat there and I listened to him
talk about himself.

And do you know what he said to me?

He said, why are you wasting your time
trying to be funny?

I know that you want a guy like your
grandfather.

And I so wished.

That I could give that to you.

But I'm not that guy.

I'm not that guy.

Today, however, I am the proud owner of
199 Allegria Avenue.

And everything for you guys is going to
stay exactly the same.

Okay?

But I'm going to move out.

What?

How are you moving?

It's time.

It is time for a fresh start.

All right.

Wow. Wow, Mary.

That's nice.

Bon appetit. Thank you. Thank you.

Here.

Cheers.

Never hesitate.

Moscow? Moscow?

Hey, can you help me? Something's wrong
with Tugi.

Yeah, yeah.

She won't let me help her.

Tugi's asking for you and she doesn't
even know who I am.

Hey Tugi, it's Stefan.

There's a woman outside, and I don't
know who she is, and she won't go away.

It's okay. It's Sweetie all the time.
It's just Sweetie.

That was Sweetie? Yeah. She and I went
to dinner, and we just got back.

Is the baby okay?

There's no baby. There's no baby. The
only people that are here are Sweetie,

and you. That's the only people that are
here.

I know.

That is so scary.

Hey, do you know what Ailey and I were
talking about tonight?

We were talking about that surrey that
she used to have.

Do you remember that?

Uncle Noel. And Uncle Noel, right?

And she would always want to walk around
the block by herself.

And I made her.

sandwiches to take with her.

But there was one she didn't like. What
was the one she didn't like?

She never liked peanut butter. Yeah.
Every other kid in the world liked

butter. I know, I know.

I used to make her cucumber sandwiches.

Like to be going to see the queen.

But you remember everything.

She loved strawberry.

Yeah. Used to make her love strawberry.
What was it?

Pie or cake? Like a short cake. Oh,
that's right.

Oh, I'm so tired.

Yeah. I'm just going to lie down for a
little while.

Thank you.

Thank you, Stephanie.

I'm not dumb.

Hey. Hey, how'd you do this?

Um, well, I just saw the cord in the
tree, and I remembered where my

put the switch.

Golly, you know all these great secrets.

Um, well, actually, I was up there
looking for you.

You were?

Yeah.

I wanted you to know, listening to the
two of you in there, you did, after all,

tell me who I am.

Really?

I'm the girl in all the Toogie stories.

They used to live in the treehouse.

And I forgot.

And I'm also the woman that moved home
from D .C. to take care of her

grandmother.

And bring her to Mary's in the morning
to pick up her cinnamon biscuits and

prune her rose bushes and water her
orange trees. Sorry, your orange trees.

You're right.

It wasn't such a mystery.

You reminded me.

Thank you for that.

Yeah.

It's nice to know that she's going to be
in very good hands.

I don't think you should leave either.

Really?

Why is that?

Well, what about your cat?

I think he's gone on to

greener, better pastures.

Well, someone should tell him that he's
making a mistake.

I found the light bulbs, too. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Wow, those are some... You look
like you're being all handy. I know.

Well, there's a bunch of ones that...
Wow, these are old -fashioned ones. I

think they're...

So, did you really just show up at that
comedian's door?

Yeah, I did. I kind of stalked him.

Yeah. I went to the club. I couldn't get
in.

And I followed him home. The best part
was when I got there, he handed me his

dog. And it was, it wasn't just a dog,
it was two. I was close to the pit bull

and I held his dog.

I did.

Did you hear that winter's over?

Can't you feel the sunlight on your
skin?

to do heart filled up with burns