Original subtitles

Nobody knows, nobody knows.

Who are you to tell me what's true and what's not? What's happening now and

you've got?

This ain't real life, I'm a jukebox. Turn around the clock and got the blocks

lock. Stop.

Don't want to hear another word. Show me some money or you'll get the bird.

I think it is when I promise you the world. I'll make you a thorn, more like

make my earl.

Holler back when the contract runs. You better best believe I'm looking out for

mine.

Behind these walls lay the broken dreams of men who are now confined.

Nah, too depressing.

Fade in. On a tree -lined street.

Two good -looking, attractive guys are... Good -looking?

Attractive? Well, that's the same thing.

Why not tall, unshort guys?

Nah.

Give them something they've never seen before.

Different.

Now... The action -packed... True story of how

the search for the American dream goes dangerously awry.

I have one dream on rye with a pickle to go.

Hmm. Not bad.

Got to grab them in the first minute.

Hmm. Maybe a little fat.

Meh. Too obvious.

Cosmo says red is the power color for women.

But it makes me look like a fire truck.

Hollywood.

That's me, Sarah Wilder. I just graduated from film school, and now I'm

real world.

Well, L .A., which may be real or unreal, depending on who you are.

Fortunately, I know a real person, my Uncle Lou, who was once a big -time

Hollywood writer.

Yeah, it's open.

Yeah. So how do they do everything?

Oh, good, good.

Oh, Phil, I'll talk to you later. Bye.

So?

Sarah Wilder, your niece.

I know that. Sit down.

Look at me.

Oh, how nice.

So, what made you want to get into the movie business?

Why don't you pick a profession with dignity, like begging?

Okay, Uncle Lou, you're just like Mom.

You think the movie business is populated with terrible people. No, no,

no. Believe me, believe me. I'm not like your mother.

But in this instance, she's right. The world is full of terrible people. Why

the movie business?

So, uh... Speaking of which, how is your mother?

And that Lummox she married? She and Dad are great. They're doing the Florida

thing. You know, get a condo on the beach and play golf and tennis.

So what's this movie about that you want to make?

Jimmy. Cousin Jimmy.

On your father's side? The same.

But why?

He's a bum. I know him. And like my film teacher always said, film what you

know.

Uh -huh. So the story is all about Jimmy's problems, huh?

What audience is going to sit down and watch a movie about a schmuck like that?

I don't know.

He's a weak guy, and I think I want to explore the why of it all.

The why of it all?

You know, I don't understand the movies they're making today.

Did you see something about Mary? Last my ass off. Could I make a movie like

that? Never.

Never in a million years.

I want to tell you something.

I still know a lot of people in this town.

I called in a lot of favors.

I don't know why I'm doing this.

But I set up some pitch meetings for you.

All right? Now stay focused.

And remember, nobody knows anything.

Today I have my first pitch meeting at a big studio.

Hello.

Oh, I can't talk right now.

No, I'm meeting Connor Fulton at 9 .30.

I'll talk to you later.

Hello.

Wait, wait, wait. All right, hold on. Connor is talking now, okay?

All right, now listen. You are $5 million over budget. Hold on one second.

Miss Winston.

Wilder. That's right. Hold on. Listen, you're $5 million over budget, so either

we're going to stop paying you, or we stop feeding the cats and the crew. It's

your decision.

So, you're new in town, and you've got a story to tell.

Well, nobody ever said that Connor Fulton didn't give Newtown a break.

that right?

See?

Everyone knows.

That's George. He's my assistant. He's my eyes and my ears.

You can see the big picture.

Hi.

So shoot.

I got a 10 o 'clock coming in early. You got five minutes. Any good story can be

told in five minutes. Ain't that right?

See?

Give me your best shot.

It's the action -packed true story of how the search for the American dream

ominously awry.

Kind of like a modern James Dean. But during his quest for the American dream,

Jimmy committed armed robbery, a felony.

But he's my cousin. I mean, I sat next to him at the kids' table at every

holiday dinner.

But what made him do it?

Here's the twist.

You see, I shot interviews of every family member and eyewitnesses to the

crime for a historic docudrama.

Kind of like Reds, but without the communists. And we'll cut back to them

so often for background and to help uncover Jimmy's motivation.

The diet pills are working.

Oh, thank you. Are those canned?

Oh, of course they're canned. Are you nervous, Beatrice? No, I'm very relaxed.

You're going to be wonderful, Uncle Sid. You're going to be brilliant. I like

that apathetic thing you've got going on. And it's all about glamour over

Oh, how do I look?

Wonderful. Good. I look right in there? Absolutely. You look really good.

It's all about cleverness.

Roll sound.

Um, should I wait for, like, action?

Wait until I say dysfunction.

Dysfunction.

What do you want me to talk about?

Tell me about my cousin Jimmy and Uncle Sid. You look marvelous.

Oh.

Jimmy is our son.

We love him.

He's a very good boy. A very good boy.

You know what rotten is? He's rotten to the core.

Oh, but he's a very good boy, you know. Thank God he's got my genes.

You know, he takes after my side of the family.

Your side of the family?

Your side of the family's crazy.

You know, all this bad stuff with Jimmy, it's your fault.

My fault?

I ought to sue you. I ought to sue you and your family, you know that?

For what?

Because when I married you, they passed you off as sane.

You're fucking crazy.

This is good.

This is good.

You used fucking properly.

I have a mother and a father, too. Most people do. That's very identifiable.

I'm a basket case until my second day.

You want to know what he does at the grocery store?

Jesus Christ, he's going to bring up the candy bin thing again. He steals little

pieces of candy from the candy bin at the grocery store.

Jimmy must have seen him do it.

Like father, like son. You know, Jimmy used to be a very sweet boy.

My husband here corrupted him.

Okay, so maybe Jimmy didn't grow up in the best environment.

But it's not like he was so different than any other kid.

I can't do homework because they told me to do homework.

I can't work under these conditions.

Right, but there was always a constant in Jimmy's life. His love. No, no, his

obsession for Miranda.

Even when they were kids.

Miranda, I love you.

Best thing that ever happened to Jimmy was Miranda.

But even when they were kids, it wasn't always rosy. I told you, Jimmy, get the

fuck out of here!

I'm serious!

By the time they got married, she'd been kicking him out for years.

Just leave!

See, things haven't changed much, but unfortunately, every time Jimmy and

Miranda fought, he'd always go to his best friend for solace, for

Unfortunately, his best friend is virus.

His partner in crime so to speak rocket scientist virus isn't but Jimmy still

considered him a friend.

Don't even ask me why Connor darling the love of my life the vein of my baby

George any good movies lately How are you doing what brings

you to the salt mine It's about Bruce, Connor, dear. Who else? Listen, I just

saw those dailies.

Marvelous. Huh?

Huh? That fight inside, what is that? Is that a volcano?

Of course. It's incredible.

It's incredible.

It's incredible.

Did I say that was incredible?

I said that.

I'm so happy you're happy.

Happy? Happy. I am ecstatic, dear, all right? I am delirious. I'm about to lose

control of my bladder.

I have something else you can piss on.

I hope you don't mind looking at the list of requests from Bruce.

What is it? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hosanna in his

Wet, not dry. Not dry. Not dry, George. Remind me.

And what's his new stand -in? $4 ,000.

Don't you think Bruce's brother would be perfect?

Okay, what's his driver? At $3 ,000. His nephew.

Personal trainer. $2 ,000.

Coincidentally.

You're killing me here. This $14 ,000 a week. Why don't we just rent this whole

family? You are, Connor, darling.

You're renting the whole goddamn family.

It's an $80 million movie.

They'll need lots of asses in those seats. Bruce can put them there.

Ciao, George.

Love what you're wearing.

Thank you, Craig.

Thank you. Hey, listen, you take care, all right? Tell Bruce I'll see him at

fight. Bye -bye, Bobby.

Would they run General Electric like this? No, no, you're damn right they

wouldn't. Give me Jack Brown!

I'm sorry about this.

They said he went to an early lunch.

Great. It's 10 .45 in the morning.

Give me the other producer on his film, Bruce's film, whatever his name is, I

don't know, call him.

This is a crazy business.

It is crazy, I tell you that.

Stars that make 14 million dollars a picture, and then they nickel and dime

for every perk they can think of.

Producers go to a 1045 lunch. Shit!

I mean, most producers don't even come in till 11 o 'clock, huh? Am I right?

What? Fred Schwartz on 2.

Connor Poulton here.

Hi, I want you to measure Bruce's trailer for a sauna.

And then I want you to tell him every day that it is being specially made.

I want you to tell him we're having trouble getting a green card for his

chef. I want you to bullshit him about his stand -in. I want you to bullshit

about his driver. I want you to bullshit him about his trainer. Tell him, tell

him, Teamsters, tell him, tell him we're having a problem with the Teamsters.

They want their men in place. And if he has a problem with that, then his

family's going to be sleeping with the fishes, okay? And then you tell him to

to hell!

Where were we?

What Jimmy and Virus needed was a direction, a goal.

Get a job, get a job.

Why don't you get a job? I'd like to get a job. Why don't you get a job? I

can't. See, because she told me to, and then if I get a job, it's because she

told me to, and I can't work under those conditions.

Remember, when Jimmy was a kid, he didn't like taking orders.

He's no different now.

You like some guy clapping at you? Come on, have some self -respect. You've got

to be your own boss. I am my own boss, and I've got self -respect. No, what

you've got is some guy telling you what to do. Nobody tells me what to do.

Look, I'm going to take off. Think about what I said.

I thought you were coming over to help me paint.

No, I thought I was coming over while you paint. I don't paint.

I'm not a painter.

Anyway, I've got to go pick up my check.

Disability.

Think about what I said.

When I said they needed a goal, I really meant they needed money because all

they were capable of doing was painting houses.

All the fixtures you see are original. They weren't called when the house was

first built in 1946. Now, nine years ago, the owner of the house, Mississippi

Blue Smoke Jones, had all of the fixtures removed, sent back to Germany,

they were originally manufactured in 1928.

The Mississippi Blue Smoke Jones, a harmonica player?

Yes.

Wow.

Nice house, blue smoke.

How do you know blue smoke?

I don't. I don't buy it.

Not done yet!

All of the fixtures were cleaned, restored, updated by the grandson of the

original manufacturer, Minster van der Klieger. Now, if that name rings a bell,

it should.

Because we still use Klieg lights today.

This way.

Does he know we're here to paint?

As you can see.

As you can see, the kitchen has been updated as well. The technology of

with the hardwood floors of yesterday.

I think that's pretty cool.

Speaking of cool, this refrigerator has the shell of its mother model, the

Freeze Captain 627, with the entrails of the Captain Frost Master Wind Fridge.

A lovely piece of machinery.

I believe this is yours.

Take a look at this. Is this beautiful?

Look at this with the trees and the sun.

Look at this view. If this view were a lady, I would lay her down right here,

right now, and give her the love.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

I am so goddamn tired. tired of showing houses all day long.

You couldn't give this piece of shit away. This shit, it's been on the market

for six years now.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Did you ever lie in bed at night and you look up at the ceiling and

realize, you know, I came to the fork in the road. I veered left. You know you

should be right. You know it. But it's too late. It's too late. I shit where I

sleep. Oh, God.

I wish I had a back porch.

It's too late.

You guys, you seem like nice guys, really.

And you're young. You should get away. Run away now. Because I feel one coming

on. Okay?

I really need to be alone.

Oh, God.

Oh.

Oh, God.

Wow. Can you believe that?

Blue Smoke's house has been on the market for six years.

It's beautiful.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Two guys, strike that, two morons who can't paint and they're talking about

musician.

I thought this was about an armed robbery.

It is.

So? Where is it? I mean, how far are we into the picture now?

Ten minutes, maybe.

Ten minutes? Ten minutes is a lifetime, see?

George knows.

In Indiana Jones, he has already been chased by a boulder by now, okay?

In Jaws, we've seen a girl get naked, make out with some guy, hop in the

and get eaten by a shark.

That's the goal. That's what the audience is waiting for. Why are you

them wait?

I wanted to build up the motivation to their committing the robbery.

Wrong answer.

My dear, you must be visual. You have to show this. You've got to show some gun,

some violence, a little blood.

I don't know. Wait.

Let's say they witness a robbery.

They witness a robbery and that inspires them.

That's good, isn't it? That's good.

That's good. Try that.

You want me to change what I have?

Change what actually happened. Change the truth.

You think this is church? Yes.

Yes. Change the truth, add a bit about the robbery, and then continue.

Okay.

Let's see.

As Uncle Lou said, nobody knows anything, so I might as well give it a

Why can't Miranda just be nice to me?

You guys need a dialogue, man.

Is that it, fellas?

Yeah. All right.

Let's see. Pepsi, Pepsi, fruit pie, fruit pie.

265. We got two.

We got 50, 61, 62, 63, 64,

265.

All

right.

Miranda's just complicated, you know.

You need to talk more because she's like... Well, stay calm. We just want

cash. Let's go. Let's go. Move it.

You two, spread out. Spread out. Get some money out of you two. Come on. Come

on. I'm not fooling around here. Let's go to the park.

Get some cash.

Man, I have nothing.

I'm... Totally cash.

Give me the change.

Get your hands up. Clean. That's it. Let's go.

How hairy was that?

How about shit? Did you bow shit? How about shit?

Jimmy, I froze.

Hey, man.

You're really cool.

Yeah, it's because I don't give a shit. It happens every other week.

I'm not going to get my ass shot up for, you know, 200 bucks that's not even

mine.

You were really cool.

I should have put a cap in their ass. That's what I should have did.

But I don't have a gun.

Hey.

Yeah, yeah, go ahead. You sure?

You sure?

Thanks a lot. Cheers.

Jimmy needed to feel worthy in Miranda's eyes.

To prove himself to her on his own terms.

But he didn't know how.

Witnessing the robbery was both shocking and exciting to them. A total

adrenaline rush. To Jimmy and Virus, this was all the inspiration they

If you had to give a description to the cops right now, what would you tell

them? I'd say there were two of them.

And that they were bigger than us and white.

Hey, you don't catch guys like that.

You know?

They knew exactly what they were doing. They were professionals. You heard the

cashier. That shit happens all the time.

I like this. Much better now. I like it. This is good.

Come on.

Jimmy moved in with the virus.

The wheels were now in motion that would lead them to their eventual destiny.

Come on. Get the door open.

Boy. Phone's ringing.

Hello?

Oh, no. Hey, Miranda. How are you?

No, actually, we just walked in.

Miranda? Really?

No, that... Yeah.

No, I will.

Yeah, that's sweet. I will.

Absolutely, I will.

Uh -huh.

You look like Joe Perry from Aerosmith right now in that life. It's weird.

Your nose... What are you saying?

No, that... Oh, okay, cool.

Absolutely, I will.

Yeah, he's right here. Hold on one second.

She wants to talk to you.

Now, to Jimmy, his life may have been crap, but the one thing he did have was

Miranda.

Actually, he didn't, but that's Jimmy.

Hello. Yeah, no.

Me and virus.

Hey, how'd you know I was here anyway?

No? Just, no.

No.

Now, see, I think you do want to fight about it. As a matter of fact, I think

you want nothing more than to fight about it.

Hang on a second there, Puddin'. You're the one who asked me to... Pud? I even

asked the psychiatrist why Miranda would call.

It's called separation anxiety.

You see, Jimmy was obsessed with Miranda, yet she was rejecting him.

when people are away...

This sort of thing happens. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's exactly what happened to me

when I was on a stakeout for two months.

Day in and day out, my wife and I, well, we were separated for some time.

And, well, we had arguments. And, you know, separation is very painful,

stressful, terrible.

He was not on a stakeout. He's disturbed.

He thinks he's Joe Mannix from the television show. You were not on a

I tried to call her from every discreet telephone I could find, but there just

wasn't any telephones around. I was desperate, desperate to talk to her. I

had my secretary, Peggy. You remember Peggy. Peggy, I said, you've got to get

touch with her. Nothing.

Nothing. You're not a private eye, Mr. O 'Hanion.

You're... Wait, wait a minute. What do you mean, Stricko? Of course I'm a

private eye. Joe Mannix, what are you talking about? I went undercover with my

contact at the police force, Lieutenant Tobias. Remember Lieutenant Tobias?

Yeah. Yeah, well, I was out of pocket for six months with that. You did not go

undercover. Your name is not Joe Mannix, Mr. O 'Hanion. It's Crickor O 'Hanion.

You live in Fresno and you make cheap white wine.

Wait, wait, wait.

You said it was going to be like Red.

What part does Warren Beatty play?

No, he's not in it, but I'm using eyewitnesses like in the movie Red.

You get me Warren Beatty as an eyewitness, we got a movie.

You have any other casting in place? You talk to George, he's my eyes and my

ears.

Is he coming back?

How did you put a blind guy in the movie business?

It's an advantage.

First of all, nobody reads scripts anymore. They get these kids from UCLA

that. Secondly, if he can't see, there's a little chance to take his boss's job.

Though, uh, on the other hand, if he was also deaf, his chances could improve.

Does everyone have a yes man?

Some have no men.

Most have a we'll -get -back -to -you man. Here.

Let me give you this guy's number.

I used to know him. He's okay. I gave him his first shot.

You just call him, all right?

Lou Bracken.

Is he still alive?

He called you, didn't he?

Hmm.

Comes from Cuba.

I can make my whole movie for the price of five a dough.

Is that legal?

Cuba Gooding.

It's all made of money, baby.

So, uh, where were we? Let's see, your cousin Jimmy?

Jimmy was spending his days watching TV and bemoaning Miranda.

You're right.

Should be separate, you know? I'm better off out of that house than to live with

that emotional carnival freak. She's a sideshow.

It's a really nice house, though.

I'm an idiot, but I still dig her.

Pick it up. Turn it up.

Try it.

of the grisly murder of his 69 -year -old grandmother, Sally Gag.

Once they saw the commercial, they decided to

target McClintock.

Okay, this is Karen, all right? She's a friend of mine.

Karen used to work at McClintock's. Why she quit, that's not important either.

Okay. All right? Here's the candy.

Karen says they deposit the money to the bank every Monday afternoon.

No. Yeah. So I figure we go in there on a Monday morning, that's a week's worth

of business in that register.

How hard can this be? Register full of cash, no security. I figure we walk in,

grab the money, walk out, just like those guys did.

Coffee Karen figures almost $50 ,000.

Even as Jimmy and Virus plotted the robbery, it seemed that their feelings

against McClintock had found some public support.

How dare the McClintocks invoke God to sell their peaches?

They are the most self -righteous, pretentious con artists this town has

seen. I could spit on them.

These eyewitnesses, you shot them already, right?

Oh, yeah, in the can.

And there's a lot more than what you've heard.

Mm -hmm.

So, uh, who do you see as the peach expert?

Oh, the real peach expert himself.

The real one I already shot in the film.

Okay, let's get this straight.

Everyone, I don't care who they are, wants to get their hands on some of

peaches, especially if they've ever tasted McClintock's peach. I mean

Okay?

Oh.

Sunscreen?

I think... I think perhaps you should think younger.

Maybe Ben Stiller as the peach expert.

Well, whatever happened to authenticity?

Authenticity is for CNN.

Ben Stiller is for movies.

Cheers. Maybe you're right.

Well,

think about it.

Okay. Think about Ben.

Okay, get this straight. Everybody, I don't care who it is, wants to get their

hands on some of those peaches.

If they've ever tasted McClintock's peach, okay?

Ben Stiller.

Okay,

get this straight.

Everybody, I don't care who it is, wants to get their hands on some of those

peaches. If they've ever tasted McClintock's peach, okay?

Ben Stiller.

Okay, get this straight. Everybody, I don't care who it is, wants to get their

hands on some of those peaches.

if they've ever tasted McClintock's peach, okay? Much better. Now continue.

Well, the sea for Robbie McClintock was planted.

But Jimmy was torn, confused.

Between his unrequited love for Miranda and the adrenaline rush from the

robbery, Jimmy was an emotional, vulnerable, incredibly

hurt boy.

He was riding a manic -depressive roller coaster.

Very deep, deep lows.

And manic, sexy highs.

Very manic highs.

Excuse me. I'm going to put this over here.

Virus wasn't any help. He was always testing Jimmy with ridiculous

questions. You were their camp counselor.

I certainly was. And I'm here to say that these boys were not evil or

Oh, they weren't geniuses, to be sure.

But they had convictions. They had values.

Hey, I got one for you.

If you had to blow some guy, who would it be?

Excuse me?

Say you had to blow some guy, who would you pick?

I don't have to blow some guy.

Yeah, I know you don't have to, but if you did, who would it be?

I try not to entertain that thought, and I don't think it's healthy when you do

it. Come on, entertain me for a second.

They got a gun to your head.

Well, if they got a gun to my head, odds are I'll be blowing one of them.

You're missing my point. Your point? I didn't realize there was a point.

Forget about it, all right? No. All right, who are they, friends of yours?

No. This doesn't make any sense.

I don't know. Look, they're just guys, all right? They're like bored, fat guys.

They're out on drinking bins looking for something to do, and somebody gave them

a gun.

I give up. Who do I want to blow?

I don't know. See? Neither do I.

You see, that was an essential part of the relationship, the conflict between

fantasy and reality.

Yeah, well, blowjobs are great, but not between two guys.

This isn't about sex. That's not the point.

Wrong.

That is the point.

Sexes. You gotta have sex.

Real sex.

Sexy sex.

What sex between a guy and a gal?

Real sex?

Yeah, like, they watch.

Stay watch. That's it.

Make it all happen at the beach.

The whole picture?

You reshoot all the witnesses at the beach. You change the robbery to the

And you make Miranda a sexy, sexy lifeguard.

And you send it to me, sealed with a kiss.

All you want is sex, sex, sex.

Really?

That's three sexes.

I always knew he was ambitious.

This is very discouraging.

Why, come on, you ready to give up already, huh?

I thought you were a toughie.

I thought you had crust like me. That's what I always liked about you.

That's not exactly what I expected.

What did you expect?

Somebody, the first time you meet them, they're going to give you money to make

you fuck off your little movie, huh?

Come here.

Look,

this is a tough town.

It just seems like everyone wants to make a different movie than the one that

want to make.

Hey.

So what?

That's the town. Everybody is a critic.

They go to screens and they say, why wasn't so -and -so in that part? Why

the ending be different?

Come here.

I'm going to set you up with Gus Schnuck, the King of Schlock.

He's not quite right for your picture, but he's not a critic.

He wouldn't even pretend to know good from bad.

Come on in.

Come on in. What do you mean you never heard of a topless toga?

What difference does it make? That woman's knockers are so big you couldn't

cover them anyway.

Hiya, Dutch.

Look, Harry, I'm sorry.

We're going to have to talk about this later. I got a meeting now. Yeah, okay,

bye.

Have a seat, please. Sit down.

Meet my assistant.

Oh, babe. He started one of my worst pictures.

Fuck you.

You watch your mouth, you little shit.

The picture was terrible, but it made a fortune. He thinks he should get all the

money. I'm a star.

I'm a star.

Shut up.

That's a beautiful bird.

Thank you. So, pick up where you left off.

You're making this movie now about an armed robbery, the American dream, your

cousin Jimmy.

Around that time, almost everyone was talking about McClintock's peach.

Peaches are good for you. They're healthy. Go to any health food store,

tell you. Peaches are number one. And these, kiss by God.

I hate peaches. Not just McClintock's peaches, but all peaches.

After all, if there weren't any peaches, Dwayne Allman would be alive today.

The whole town had a fruit syndrome that infected everyone, particularly Jimmy

and Virus.

You could say that Virus caught a virus.

Excuse me, young lady. Is the owner in?

Oh, good Lord, broke the mold with you two.

Well, I'll just put in a French loaf.

Miranda was in earlier.

Huh. Why don't you just quit your fussing and marry that girl?

I did.

Oh.

And you, you ought to get yourself a daddy.

Because you're going to catch something that won't wash off.

You don't want to grow old alone.

No, ma 'am.

3 .35.

When I lost Walter, my life went into a tailspin.

I really do miss that man.

You know, we did such good business here before McClintock's opened.

Can't compete with that God -kissed peach.

Hi.

McClintock's. Well, McClintock's is really the lifeblood of this town.

You know, in large part, that's because of these peaches.

These are some of the best peaches in the world. They're really kind of God

-kissed, you know?

Listen, they pumped the revenue right into this city.

Did you get that?

You see, the thing is, every city, every major city has that one special

attraction. You know, New York has the Statue of Liberty and San Antonio has

Alamo. We have peaches.

Now, this peach, did you get that? Are we in this right now?

This peach was eaten by President Ronald Reagan.

He came to this city just for the peaches.

Actually, well, I think actually he was lost. But the point is that he took one

bite of that peach and, well, he had to leave. But I was fortunate because I

grabbed that peach before he left. And it's a little rotted now. But

those are his actual teeth marks.

I'm pretty sure that they were his real teeth.

Excuse me, Sarah. Who do you see as the peach expert?

Ben Stiller.

What are you, a casting director?

That's exactly who I saw.

Really? Go on.

Ben Stiller.

Ben Stiller. Not you, you dummy. Her.

Please. Fuck you. I'm a star.

Ben Stiller.

I'm warning you. You're right on the edge. You're going to get it.

I'm sorry. Please, go ahead.

As I was saying, by now, Jimmy and Virus had zeroed in on McClintock's, but they

were still afraid of getting caught.

I feel really good about the plan.

I really, you know, feel good about the whole thing. But I also feel like we're

going to get caught. No.

Do not do that.

Do not do that. Look, I feel like... I'm serious.

Don't think that way. Look, I'm just saying. No.

I know. You really don't get it, do you?

Listen up, Skeeter. I'm going to tell you once.

If you think it, it will happen. Well, now, this Jimmy, could he go psycho like

De Niro did at the end of Taxi Driver?

You know, I mean, that's something I could sell.

Uh, no.

But he could. But he didn't. But you're writing it, so he could.

But it's a true story, so he didn't.

Didn't. Watch it. Watch it.

Fuck you.

Fuck me. Fuck you.

Teach him one bad word and he goes nuts.

Now, what about music? This virus, he could be a musician, you know? Kids love

music. I mean, soundtracks can put a movie in the black even if it's a

you know? Turkey!

I got the music in me.

I can feel it.

I just gotta find it.

We all do.

No, we all don't.

What you're feeling, you see, there's a euphoria that comes along with believing

your own bullshit. That's what you're feeling, not the music in you.

Well, we mock what we don't understand.

You see, because the music, she's my lady.

She's my muse.

But she's got a whole lot of mean up under that skirt of hers.

She taunts me.

Sits at the end of the bar, and just before we lock eyes, she's gone.

It's like a cold cup of coffee.

Sweet, sweet music.

Jimmy and Byrus had meticulously planned the robbery with detail and precision,

asking all the tough questions.

What does a professional robber need for a robbery?

You need a car and you need guns. That's about it. Mayonnaise? I can get a car,

but what about guns? Pepsi?

Please. I can get guns. You can get guns.

I can get guns. You can get a car.

I'll get guns.

I can get a car.

I can get guns.

And we got a car and we got guns.

Family?

Car, guns, masks.

Masks.

And she's like, oh, I had trouble parking. It's like, there's hella

outside.

This is your idea for getting a car?

What's your problem? I can rent a car and get guns, all right? Can you get

Don't talk about guns.

Sorry. All right.

Don't talk about that.

And she was not shaking her grass face. She was smoking weed.

Because I know what weed smells like. Weed, no, that's not the point.

Weed smells like,

no, weed, it's kind of like, kind of like sour apple, and it's also kind of

butter.

It's kind of like butter and pie.

You don't like pie? No, not pie.

Pie. The point is you don't smoke weed at work. You could smoke weed anywhere.

You don't smoke it on your time. You don't smoke weed on my time. You don't

smoke weed.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'll call you back.

I'm sorry. Can I help you? Yes.

Good afternoon.

We were quite taken with the Capitamonte we saw outside. Is that considered a

midsize?

I know how it's failed.

Of course you do.

Which car?

Driver's license. Yes.

Not on me.

You're going to rent a car.

It's so funny to me.

How's that funny?

We can't rent.

We don't have money to rent.

You don't need money to rent. You pay when you return.

What if we don't get money?

Then we don't return.

That's what they got insurance for.

Insurance is bullshit.

Good hands, hand job.

Reach around, bullshit.

I still don't see how renting is funny.

Well, it's not funny. It's cheating.

Funny and cheating are synonyms.

Whatever. Whatever.

Good response. I guess you win.

I'll just get Miranda's car.

She's pissed at you.

We need a car. Why don't they steal a car? I mean, all they do is talk. Not

enough action. Too much talk.

I warned you. You shut up now.

Look. Where's the action, the car chases, the broads, the... The IRS!

I told you never, never to mention that.

The IRS!

The IRS!

All right, now I'm going to get you.

The parrot's got his number.

The parrot picture made him big money.

So he's afraid the parrot's going to rat him out to the IRS, but he can't kill

him because he needs him for the sequel.

Is everybody in the town now?

And you pretend.

I got a new strategy for us.

This lady gave me my last job, right? She's now a big executive in networks.

I don't know.

Maybe this could work as a movie in a week docudrama.

Darling, I can't make it a moment before nine.

Okay.

Go on.

Jimmy and Byron only gave away from the robbery. It was clear there was only one

thing they could do to stop them.

Themselves. Stop right there.

Do you have any stars attached?

No.

Then you're going to need a strong female lead.

This woman, is she more than just a run -of -the -mill wife, girlfriend,

mistress, hooker with a heart of gold? You want a chick flick? I'll give you a

chick flick.

Oh, she's strong, all right.

And there's a lot more where that came from.

I told you, Jimmy, get the fuck out of here!

I'm serious!

Get out!

So she's strong.

What about love?

Is she in love?

Oh, there's love.

I got robbed the other day.

Good! You deserve it! Now just get out!

Oh, you're right. I promise. I'm going to change, Puddin'. It's a promise.

what did you just call me?

Puddin'. Puddin'? No, no, no. You don't have the right to call me Puddin'. No

more Puddin'. Okay? It used to be cute. It's not cute anymore, Jimmy.

What's not cute about Puddin'? Puddin'. That's cute.

Puddin'? Shut up!

Jimmy, I can't take this anymore, okay? It's been like a year, right?

You watch videos all night, you sleep all day, then you hang out with virus. I

need more, you know that? So just leave me be, okay?

Okay. Do us both a favor. Just get out of my life.

I need to borrow the car.

What? I need to borrow the car.

Well, no.

You can't borrow my car.

Your car?

Yeah, my car.

The car.

You're so fucking gangly. Oh, you are so beautiful.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

What are you doing? Get away.

I've missed you so much. I don't give a fuck.

I have somebody over here. You can't come in.

Don't touch me. It makes me want to puke when you touch me. Get the fuck off me.

You're star -crossed lovers.

And their sex.

Damn.

Damn.

So, can I get those guns now?

I hope Jennifer told you I don't deal in any of that.

Saturday night special nonsense.

I've got clean, out of state, barely been used products.

High resale value.

Now. Yeah.

They might seem a little big, but they're not.

You show me some patience, I'll get you a Smith & Wesson .38.

Basically snub, no service revolvers, get the job done.

.38s are not as big as these.

Yeah. Hello, ladies.

You laughing at me, huh? Huh? You laughing at me? What, am I a clown? Do I

you on what? I'm funny now, huh? You must be laughing at me. I don't see

else around here. You're mixing your movies, dipshit.

What? You're mixing your movies.

No, I'm not.

How the fuck do I amuse you, huh?

That's Joe Pesci.

No, Pesci wouldn't impact your daughter.

That's what I'm saying. You're mixing your movies.

No, I'm not.

Whatever. Whatever.

Good response. I guess you went, you know, Jennifer said you'd have 32

revolvers.

What?

Jennifer told me earlier that you'd have 32 revolvers. Jennifer told me earlier

you'd have 32 revolvers. Jennifer told me earlier you'd have 32 revolvers.

guess what, assface?

I'm doing you a favor.

I could get rid of these guns for at least $300 apiece tonight.

You know what?

I'll take those. Yeah, yeah, you will. 600 bucks, first of the month. Don't

me come looking for you. Kiss.

Great. I'm keeping the jacket.

You're going to keep the jacket, great.

Go on, get out of here.

I got work to do.

So, we have sex, love, a felony, and guns.

But I'm not sure I buy the bit about getting the guns from the girlfriend.

Oh, well, I interviewed a gun expert.

Oh.

I'm all ears. Tell me more.

You should buy from a licensed dealer like me. But you can get guns anyway.

You want to feel one?

Well, you don't have cold steel relaxing against the fleshy part of your feet.

And you just ain't lying.

It's hard, shiny, and has beautiful curves.

And it won't yell at you when you're bad.

And it won't spank you for talking back.

No.

And it's your friend.

Your best friend.

You want a whole one?

You know, guns are what made this country great.

Don't you agree?

Huh? Fever?

Well, I'd rather not.

I don't believe in guns.

Well, you know, you don't know what it's like until you touch the love shaft of

Mr. Smith and Mr. West.

Actually, being a girl, it's all right for me not to be into guns.

What do you mean, being a girl?

That's all the more reason you need one.

All these crazies in the streets?

You want to be raped?

No. You carry a gun, and you hold it in your arms, and you suck on the barrel.

I really don't want to do this.

What?

Oh.

That must have been heaven.

What?

Feeling the gun and actually having it go off in your hand.

Well, actually, it scared me to death.

You mean you don't like guns?

Does that mean you don't want me to continue?

Hey, did I mention I saw Ben Stiller as the peach expert?

Love you too, darling.

Bye.

Maybe we should go the indie route.

You can't get a studio picture made in these days without big stars.

Yet, that has nothing to do with whether the film makes money or loses money.

It's all about keeping your job. What do you mean?

Well, let's say...

You've got a terrific script, right? But you put two morons, Jimmy and Virus, in

it, right? No studio's going to go for that.

Why? Because if the film loses money, then the executive who gave it the green

light is going to lose his job. On the other hand, you get Tom Hanks or whoever

else is the flavor of the money. Then the film tanks, it's Tom Hanks' fault.

Or, even better yet, the director.

I've got Ben Stiller.

Oh.

Very nice. That's good. That's the start. So, what do I do? Hold on.

Yeah.

Oh, Phil, yeah, look, I got my... No, no, no, I know we got business.

Uh, Phil, hold on for a second, okay?

Listen, this is a long shot.

Yeah, I'll call you right back. Just stay where you are. Don't move, okay?

I don't know why I didn't think about this before.

That's my bookie. He's got a network. He puts money in a lot of independent

movies. Your bookie? Uh -huh. Well, he books for all the writers.

A good friend of mine couldn't pay him, right? So he gave him this script. The

picture became a huge hit. The guy is now hooked on movies.

Hi, I'm Sarah Wilder.

I'm here to see Phil Phillips.

Any friend of Lou's is a friend of mine. Actually, I'm his niece. I know that.

So Lou told me a little bit about this picture.

Are there any cars in it? Yes.

Yeah, you did.

You know, Blue Smoke played with Groove Gramps' voice.

Really? I mean, he could have.

Somebody's got the music in him.

Not anymore.

Let's see him.

Just drive.

I'm doing stuff over here you couldn't even comprehend.

Beretta 9mm?

This makes it official. Oh, yeah. We're crooks.

Cool.

45? Lucky.

That's an expensive gun.

Only two things nicer than an expensive gun. That'd be your Swiss watch and your

pretty girl.

What's that pretty girl's name? Is it pretty? Is it pretty?

Yeah, Jolly. Yeah, Jolly. Down the ditch, Jolly. Jolly, down the ditch.

Jolly.

That never happens again.

Never. We live and die by the risk of the height. What?

We live and die by the risk of the height. What does that mean?

Right now, nothing.

How'd they get this car?

It was Miranda's car.

Jimmy's wife.

They didn't steal it or jack it?

No.

Let me get this straight.

They're planning a robbery, and they're gonna use a car that belongs to his

wife? What, are they idiots?

They aren't the two brightest guys in the world.

Hero. Okay, good one.

We get in there, and there's a dumb guy who wants to be a hero.

Okay, I'm done with talking.

All right, everything's going as planned, right?

Let's move it still, just like clockwork. All of a sudden, some guy

the floor and figures, Hey, this is a good time to get in the newspapers. I'll

foil this robbery.

Yeah, I'm a hero. I'm a hero. React.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. All right, you better just dial it down, all right? Just dial it down,

numbnuts, before Mr.

Thundermaker starts shitting some bullets.

It's going great. Thanks, man. You're doing well. Thank you.

Pregnant woman with water poops. Pop. Pop.

Pregnant woman with water poops. Right.

Right. Right.

Oh, my God!

I'm having my baby! I'm having my baby!

Blanket of napalm.

Yes.

Moron. This picture's about two morons.

Jimmy and Virus had practiced and rehearsed the robbery for days.

It was the hardest work they'd done since, well, ever.

There was no turning back.

This was it.

Their moment of truth.

We just parked the car. We walked the block, the location. We walked slow.

just two guys walking. It doesn't matter. We're just two guys walking.

just two guys that happen to be walking. We determine the area secure.

Then we move forward. We're at the entrance. We pull out the guns. We run

grab the money. We run out. How long are we going to be there? Two minutes. Two

minutes tops. Not two and a half, not three. Two minutes.

Let's try one.

What's the name of this door, please?

McClintock's Grocery.

Thank you.

Oh, here.

They've just done some remodeling tonight.

All right, listen up, people.

This is a robbery.

We don't want any trouble.

So if you want to be stupid, let's do it now and get it over with.

Look, nobody plays tough guy but me, all right? We have a gun and we got a car,

okay? So we live and die by the risk of the heist. Hey, fellas, there's no need

for all the shouting.

If you're here for the peaches, I'm sure we can work something out.

I think I'm speaking for the group when I say nobody here wants to take a

bullet.

I know I don't. Hey, you need to do some shopping?

Great time.

Look, he's cool. Let's go, huh? Just like we planned. Look, wipe that Curly

smile off your stupid melon and just open the register.

Now, you don't have to take that, Lawrence. Shut up, you apron -wearing,

-toothed, pie -baking... Whoa, whoa, whoa, come on. You don't have to be

They'll do what we say. We got guns.

you beanpole Ichabod cream motherfucker.

I don't remember rehearsing this part.

This whole thing was your idea, so if I don't meet your expectations of what a

professional grocery store robber should be, I'd like to take this time to

apologize in front of all the fine folks here at McClintock's. Hey, everybody!

Beaches on me!

Hey, uh, well, we're a little behind, but we're still professionals.

We deserve better than this.

No, you don't.

But you know what does?

This cow.

This cow deserves better than this.

You and your big McClintock's market.

I got raw meat. I am crazy. So let's meet with that cash and coin, Colonel

I'd do it. He ain't right.

Come on. All of it. Take two.

You ought to pitch in and help out with that. All right. Now, see, this is why I

wanted you to go.

There's no time for that, dear. Now, these fellas seem to be in a hurry. You

to watch the dogs. Let's all pitch in. Come on. Geez. Come on.

There's a few more dollars we're going to save to give to the church, but you

might as well take the whole thing.

Take us home. Clean, that's it.

Let's go.

Makes a lot of appreciate.

Morons. These are the two dumbest guys I ever heard of.

It appeared that Jimmy and Virus had actually pulled off a successful robbery

without getting caught.

Anything to do with McClintock's was a big story in town.

So, tell us, were you at the robbery or not?

Yeah.

Yeah, I was there, okay? Is that what you want to hear?

I was there in the store when the three guys burst in wearing ski masks,

pointing guns and shouting. Okay?

We were there and I didn't see a lot. Did you see a lot?

No, I didn't really see a lot.

No. Well, I thought they were after the missus at first. I didn't know what was

going on. My first thought, of course, was the peaches.

And then I thought the missus because you never know what two men like this,

desperate, are going to do with a beautiful young woman like this. We

a good view, you know.

a good eyeball of him, if you will, you know, on account of the...

Circumstances. Circumstances.

Who am I kidding? The eye, you know.

Let's talk turkey, I'm a freak.

Well, I remember then. I remember that day was really a bad day for me because

was here by myself because somebody else wasn't here with me. So it was all

different. So I remember that day was really distinctly... I'd stick the

up my ass if we would do something, sir.

I'd have a whole crate up my rectal vault if that meant that I didn't have

frickin' eye.

Okay, I stole five peaches.

Is that it? Is that what you want to hear? I stole five peaches, all right?

What did you want me to do? They were rolling around the floor like a bunch of

alleys. What was I supposed to do? Everybody was taking them.

The Samoan took three.

Yeah, there was a Samoan.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

Or a really big Filipino.

Excuse me.

Mm -hmm.

Jack! Yeah?

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Big Sky Jim in the fourth. Mm -hmm.

Something fishy. Okay.

No more action in the fourth!

Excuse me. Anyway, the initial 48 hours after the robbery were crucial. How

Jimmy and Virus would act would either mean a successful getaway or prison.

Do what?

Yeah.

bean -pulled Ichabod Crane motherfucker.

Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that, because we should definitely

that. Yeah. Because I got really swept up in the moment, and I'm not proud of

it, but the guy in that store, standing on that counter and just shouting,

berating you, and the guy sitting on this counter talking to you.

Um, are two different guys.

Where's the fella done all the hollering? Love to have a little chinwag

him.

Well, he asked me to tell you that he's sorry and that he won't be coming around

here anymore. I know that much.

That you can... And he also asked me

to give you this.

A little bit of that.

That's what he was...

You should tell him thank you.

I definitely will.

And I would also like to take you out to dinner or something like that, you

know?

I can't even believe we're having this conversation.

Look me in the eye and tell him.

I've never, ever slept with Miranda.

I don't believe you.

I give up.

You give up because you know I'm right.

Do you honestly think?

If I'd ever had sex with her, even before we met, I wouldn't have brought

Talk about something else.

No. No, not now.

Stop it.

Just put it out of your mind.

And think about Kennedy.

Taking a bullet to the back of the head. It's science.

Valid science.

It's been proven. You're a dick.

I'm a dick. You're a dick. Then you're my balls.

Sunshine.

We can ask Trady.

Sean Connery.

Why Sean Connery? The only answer. How do you figure?

Okay.

You're out at some abandoned warehouse, right?

These guys got a gun to your head because you've got to blow one of them.

Bring me Sean Connery.

Then, before you begin the actual blow, you look up at Sean like, Okay, Sean,

I'm going to give you the signal.

We drop these guys and get the hell out of here.

Foolproof.

Yeah.

What if Sean's not with you?

At least you're blowing one of the grapes, huh?

This is a fucked up conversation.

Hey, Phil!

Somebody here to see you!

Who?

Frankie C!

Frankie C! Jesus Christ, send him back!

Frankie, you son of a bitch! Say hello to Tara.

No, no.

You stay.

She's telling me about this movie. She's got this movie idea. You know, she's

Lou's niece. You remember Lou? Nice guy.

Anyway, she's telling me this story about her idiot cousin.

Go ahead. They just knocked off a peach store.

Actually, it's a grocery store that specializes in peaches.

Whatever, whatever. Go ahead.

Can't tell me you don't think about getting caught.

What are you doing?

I asked you not to do that.

You can't tell me you don't think about it. That's great. Thanks a lot. You

jinxed us.

Sorry.

Don't touch me.

Where are you going?

I'm leaving.

You tainted the roof. Now I can never come up here again. And I paid my rent.

We're not jinxed.

Turn to the right.

When I first heard Jimmy was involved, I didn't want to believe it.

I don't even know what you guys are doing here, because Jimmy and I are

completely done. We were totally separated, so I don't really have

tell you.

Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So you are going to send those pictures to

the cops.

Yeah, Jimmy's gonna love this. What, are you kidding me? The cops are looking

all over for me, right? So by sending them pictures, it shows I'm not scared.

That's the risk of the hunt, baby.

Do not, baby.

Are you insane?

They see the photos with me and you, and they're gonna put two and two together.

It's me they're after.

That's right. I don't even know you. That's right you don't know me. Why are

advertising our affiliation?

Patty, Patty, sweet.

Anything, Patty.

Look, I want you to know that no matter what happens to me...

I'm not going to forget about you.

Where are you from?

What are you not understanding?

They see the photos with me on your lap.

God, I know this is tough for you.

You know, but I need you to stand tall and be strong and know that no matter

what happens, all right, when a tear runs down your face, it's not a tear.

Okay, it's me just saying I love you.

Do you understand what I'm saying? Okay.

Yeah, I think I get it now. Great.

Okay, well, I got to run.

Hello? Yes, who am I speaking with, please?

Well, hello, Officer Sturgis. This is Dick Pangolin. I need you to do me a

favor, if you could.

Come and find me, you fat, donut -eating wife beating static juice for a cop. 10

-4, 10 -4, 10 -4.

Take off the glasses.

Uh, excuse me, uh, but this guy, uh, Cyrus.

Cyrus. His name's Cyrus.

Yeah, Cyrus. You say he went to the cops?

Morons. I told you. Well, not exactly. Everyone had their own opinion on that.

Feats of courage combined with nobility of purpose. That's what these boys are

about. You.

You. They don't sit there in judgment judging other people's idiosyncrasies.

They're confident.

You. What do you do? You ask questions. They don't ask questions. They give

answers. They do something. You would do well.

to be more like them that boy just wasn't right in the head he used to come

here all the time and just be you know handling the breads of course when he

little he sure did fall down a lot when his daddy was home i know him so

what do you think motivated him to rob mcclintock i think i know him i'm not

mama you know virus and i have this really special connection that um

that Jimmy just, he can't understand it. You know what I mean?

He's so lost.

You know, this place wouldn't be so depressing if you guys just chose a

different color scheme.

Maybe get away from your pastels because a dark color in a dark place, that

equals, it equals dark.

You guys need to get brighter.

Your yellows, first of all, and your blues.

Make a man's day go quicker. You know.

Truman, I'd be willing to sit down with your commanding officer and discuss it

with him if you think it would help move things along a bit. Whatever.

Whatever. Good response. I guess you win, right?

Got

your

letter.

You met Truman.

You got us caught,

you jinxed us!

As your attorney, I should tell you that this is my first case, and I'm in love

for words.

I have no idea what to do, and that worries me.

Is everybody in this picture an idiot?

I was just trying to tell the story like how it happened.

Nobody could be that stupid.

Well, you had to know them, especially Jimmy.

That's his nature. You see, they're very good people. They just got in trouble

for the wrong reasons.

And that's the point I want to make in the film.

If this goes to trial, we'll need to create some doubt.

We need people to speak on your behalf, and no one's willing to do that. Oh,

there's going to be somebody.

They're wonder, they're mentions. You know what a mentions?

That's what those boys are.

You would do well to be more like them.

You're boring. You, they're on the roof. What? What are you saying?

You're on the roof. We need you to come down now.

What? Are you my superior? I'm sorry, I think it's my superior. Are you the

courtman? Yes.

Now please, come down off the roof.

I'm sorry, that's my three o 'clock.

Okay, I'll be there in a jiffy, okay?

See, either you got it or you don't got it.

And this kid virus, he sure don't got it.

You know, Jimmy pretty much did the whole thing to impress me.

I mean, he's just sort of driven by his love for me. And he's so gangly, you

know? Like a little thin... I don't know, anyway.

McClintocks are well -respected in the community, and you two have pissed off

that community.

Those God -kissed peaches put this city on the map.

They said, let's have everything in the safe.

Well, I handed it to them. They were out the door, and I wanted to say, I let

you down. I didn't give you everything I had in the safe. And I was going to run

after them, and they said, no, they made their bed, let them lie in it.

No, we added that to the insurance.

Gentlemen.

I've gone over your case almost three times.

And I'm sorry to say, but I don't see any loopholes. There's no way around

evidence.

You're going to be in here for a while.

Either you were born with the gift or you're not.

I hate to break it to you. You were born without the gift.

Oh, sinner man.

Can't you hear me say?

Oh, God.

Oh.

So you're jealous.

Yeah. You're jealous because I unleashed the music in me.

Kill me.

Somebody, anybody, please kill me.

All right, lights out.

That means you.

Oh, and whose bright idea was it to send those photographs to the police?

They knew you were mocking them.

Yeah, I know virus.

Yes, we slept together.

I got it lit. Great.

And yes, that may be me in the picture with him.

But the money I was counting is my money. Money I busted my... Quit it!

The money I busted my ass to get.

I'm not going to bullshit you. Quit it! I'm sorry.

You're not sorry. You always fucking keep at me and at me, you pig...

Jimmy and Byrus tried to make the best of their incarceration.

They started a congenial con policy and tried to meet at least one new felon a

day. With this new approach, they met arsonists, armed robbers, and even some

interesting murderers.

Hey, you Harold Day?

Who wants to know?

My name's Jimmy.

Oh, you and your buddy Rob McClintock.

Yeah. That took balls.

Yeah.

Hey, Harold.

Can I ask you a question? No.

I didn't kill my grandma.

I know I talked a lot about it. I even write about it in my journal, but that's

because that's what I am. A writer, not a killer.

Now that I'm in here, I can write all I want.

Past the time, I do a bit of reading, too.

I read.

I'm a reader.

You look like Joe Perry from Aerosmith.

What kind of stuff do you read?

You know, I like to read a lot of books about, you know, leadership and free

thinking. They taught me to realize just what I am, you know?

Yeah, I do know.

Yeah? I mean, it's your life. You want to live it on your terms, right? Yeah, I

think of myself as a sure thinker, you know? A leader, you know?

My grandma, though, man, she was always telling me what to do, you know? I hated

that. I don't like people telling me what to do. I'm the same way. Finally, I

meet somebody who gets it. Yeah, because I'm a leader, not a follower. I don't

follow. I don't follow.

I lead.

I'm the same way.

Did I kill my grandma?

No. Oh, man.

But sometimes she just wouldn't let up, you know?

She'd follow me around the house like a parrot on my shoulder, you know?

Into my ear every five minutes, you know? Don't forget to dot your I's.

forget to cross your T's, you know? She'd jump on a vein and suck it dry,

know what I'm saying? Over and over.

Tomato dumplings, man.

Why would it... Why would any woman get up in the morning and decide that I like

tomato dumplings?

What's up with that?

I never even knew what one was until it showed up on my plate, huh? What kind of

thick game is she playing, huh?

Oh, I didn't kill her.

You know what? Whoever did kill her, man, they were right on, man.

This journal?

This journal's my escape.

This journal's my way out, huh?

The only way to keep my head clear is to write short stories about corking up

her mouth hole, huh?

What are you working on now? Oh, it's a short story about my brother's wife.

It's called You and Your Goddamn Pies.

Okay, I'm going to step off for a minute. I've got to get going.

Harold, I want you to have a very nice day. It's supposed to rain. Hey, you

know, Hitler was a leader.

Okay.

Are we rolling?

Okay.

Pay attention.

Okay, I want to ask you a question.

What? What were you thinking?

What are you... Look, you know, we weren't waiting around for any handouts,

that's what you mean. You know, we saw what we wanted, and we went out and took

it. That's what makes America America.

You see something you want, and you figure out how to get it.

And I did what I did.

I didn't like people telling me what to do.

Hey, Jimmy, break's over.

You got a brick in the paint. Let's go.

Well, you know, looking back on it now, I suppose I do some things differently.

You know, I don't even know if I'd do it again.

What do you want?

Well, I wanted to see you.

And I figured you'd want to see me too.

Why would I want to see you?

Because, you know, he told me to get my shit together, and I have. You've been

here five months. You're in jail. I don't call that getting your shit

I'm a professional.

And I wrote you a poem.

Oh, no, don't. You're not going to read it, are you? Jimmy, Jimmy.

You have sunk to new depths, Jimmy.

Jimmy, if you read that, we are both going to be so embarrassed, okay?

No, we won't. Yes, I will.

So if you want to give me something, just make me a license plate or

Bye, Miranda.

Bye, Jimmy.

Poor sweet thing.

I put you through so much.

I want nothing more than just to feel your time.

Okay, please don't do this to me. Jimmy, please. When I'm thinking of you and my

heart is breaking...

They tell me to shut up, get back to raking.

Oh, God.

So for the state in my filth I've wallowed, and for you, my love, my

I've swallowed.

Okay, that's just darling. I think this can't be true.

I shouldn't be here.

I should be at home, protecting you.

But I'm not.

Oh, my God, I've got to get out of here.

Thanks for listening and making the long drive. I really appreciate it. Careful

on the drive home.

People are nuts out there.

Okay.

I love you.

This summer, virus comes over and he's like helping me paint the kitchen,

And Jimmy gets in his head that I want to sleep with virus, which would fucking

kill virus, right? I mean...

He's just so pathetic.

Hey, Byron?

Byron?

Can you help me out here? There's something I'm not clear on.

Let's hear it.

Was that me that was always thinking about us getting caught? Or was I the

who said, if you think it, it'll happen?

See, because I remember hearing it. I just don't remember if that was me

it to you or you saying it to me.

Oh, right.

Right. Now I remember. Right.

Right. I was the one who said, nothing exists, thinking makes itself.

You were the one who kept willing us to get caught.

That's right. Now I got it. Right.

And did we get caught?

I forget.

Sure we did. Right. We're raking because we have to, not because we enjoy

it. Right.

We're in prison right now.

That's right. So I was right, and you got us caught. Right?

Okay. Right.

Hey, Virus, do me a favor, would you? Do not think about us dying a slow,

painful death in prison, okay?

And above all, don't think about what's in your heart of hearts.

Your heart of hearts.

Because that's where us getting caught lives.

Admit it, Rockstar, you got us caught.

Yeah, I guess so.

Oh, what's that, son?

No, I'm not deaf. I was just thinking.

About fucking Miranda.

You asshole!

I'm kidding! I'm kidding! I'm kidding!

I'm kidding!

The only thing that kept Jimmy going was blaming virus for jinxing them. And to

get out by any means possible.

Escape if necessary.

Just a couple of cons.

A sweet thing. Don't want no trouble here, boss, because I'm just a sweet

Look at all the trash.

Ready? I'm ready. On your mark... Get

set... Go!

You said it wasn't electrified?

I was kidding.

I was kidding.

I'm not going to bullshit you.

I don't have the time, and if you fucking touch me, and you don't have the

but if you need some, I can hook you up.

Not good film, though.

It's a really heat film.

Yeah, take it from a retard.

Heat. He knows about film quality. I do.

I'm a savant.

There you go, make a wish.

Nah, still got the fucking eye.

Yeah, I was there. I'm really glad those guys robbed McClintock's. As far as I'm

concerned, those boys did a service to the community.

Those boys are heroes.

Jimmy and Byra's big day finally arrived.

Their first meeting in front of the parole board.

Well, I hope you've learned a few things while you were in here in the last six

months.

Absolutely. Sure did.

All right. I'll take that as a yes.

Yes. Okay.

And since neither of you actually used any live ammo, I suppose we have no

choice but to reluctantly return you to silence.

Never intended to harm anyone.

We respect that and appreciate your honesty.

Now, once you go through that door to the outside, I don't want to see you

in here again.

Not while I'm here.

And I'm going to be there.

All right, that's all.

Get up.

Goodbye.

Thank you.

What if they can't find Sean Connery?

Then it's considered a forfeit.

Come on, that doesn't make any sense. And I'd pick Churchill, you know.

Everybody picks some guy they know they can't get.

That's cheating.

You're making up these rules as you go along, I think.

That's your opinion.

Come on, you're making up the rules. Opinion?

Can I tell you something?

What?

Wow!

I'm at the TV Blues in Okalodica.

Yeah. They'll leave you commemoratives. They only made a million of these.

I was able to track one down.

I'm going to head in.

Let her know I'm home. I'm sure of it.

Oh, she's going to love that.

I've got a feeling she is.

All right,

take care.

You be strong.

Yeah, man. Yeah, seriously, it's been fun.

Had a blast.

Right back at you.

Well, take it easy.

You too. You know we'll do it again.

Good luck.

I told you, Jimmy. Get the fuck out of here!

I'm serious!

Get out!

I like it.

That's how it got made. It might not be the best film in the world, but it's my

first film, and I got it made.

I love Frankie and Phil for giving me a chance, and, of course, my Uncle Lou.

So if you're someone like me who wants to make a movie, find an Uncle Lou.

Or better yet, find a bookie who has an auto repair shop who loves the movie.

Uncle Lou!

We did it.

You did it.

Remember,

nobody knows anything.

You're killing me here, Lou. No, Lou, you're like a bank. You always pay all.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. You're killing me. You know that? You're busting my balls. Get

good count. Get a good count. I got the big wish cover. Go ahead. Don't worry

about it.

It's all right. I love you anyway. You, man.

It's all there. It's all there. It's all there.

It's all there.

Some people in life take what you don't know.

How do they bring them things that nobody knows?

People think they take things and act like they know.

Nobody knows.

Some people in life take what you don't know.

But nobody had any news on it.

Nobody knows.

Nobody knows. Nobody knows.

Nobody knows.

Nobody knows.