Original subtitles

At the crossroads of Europe and Asia lies a land flowing with breast milk and

tastical honey, the great nation of Hanjobia.

It is said that when God made sexy with the earth, he busted his glorious nut

all over the face and bosoms of this proud land.

From the beginning, jealous neighbors have coveted for moist soil and ripe

for centuries.

These godless dogs have stopped to invade Hanjobia, dominate her men, and

sperm necklace to her women.

Through the years, these skirmishes have led to many bloody territorial

disputes, as brave Hanjobia has fought to defend her border.

But Hanjobia's true strength lies in the courage and manliness of her people.

The average Hanjobian male has testicles measuring 18 centimeters in diameter.

Imagine the twig that must accompany such berries.

But the man with the heaviest sack of all is the great leader of Hanjobia,

Volvik, son of Drago the Butcher, grandson of Jergo the Bloodletter,

and brother of Drago the Butcher.

Under the strong hand of Kosko, Hanjobia has tasted the sweet fruit of glory as

never before.

Her winding river, law -drinking edge, and public execution have made her a

tourist mecca.

Her economy is booming, thanks to the strong export market, and pirate DVD,

rubber vagina.

Who, you ask, could ever succeed such a man as Koska Volvik?

Ratko Volvik, son of Koska, and grandson of His Holiness Fidel Castro.

Ratko's mother, Carmelita, proud bastard daughter of Fidel, was given to Koska

as a gift for his aid in thwarting the Bay of Pigs.

The blood of revolution itself pumps through Ratko's veins.

Today, Ratko begins his freshman year at Habermeyer University, named number two

party school of eastern United States by U .S. News and World Report. May God

bless Koska and Ratko, the great nation of Hanjobia, and shit in the eyes of our

enemies.

Holding guy, move your car. We have to get in. Hey, I waited two hours for this

space, all right?

What are you doing, you maniac?

I'm calling 911.

We're finding a problem here.

We put shame upon our peaceful kingdom.

Get back in the Mercedes.

Thousand apologies, my friend.

Sorry about these guys.

They are most excited about being in your beautiful country.

Would you like a zero in pecan?

In my country, a man does not become brother until he puts another man's nuts

his mouth.

Share my nuts.

Jason. Find a cop. Okay.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What is your problem?

Here. This should cover the damages.

And now we are good friends.

Everything is normal.

Everything is normal.

This is my horse, Preston.

He is breeding stallions, like me.

We have a problem.

We have to see the Minister of Housing. At once.

Thank you for understanding.

A man in my position should not move into a dormitory with just a mini

and duffel bags.

I'm sure we can work something out, Mr. Volpeck. There's the DVD player for the

kids in the back. The windows are bulletproof, so you'll feel very, very

I'll clear out the dorm.

Don't clap.

Yee -haw!

Boss, you'll give away the Snatchmobile?

Papa will send another.

Ah!

Oh, yeah. Yes, and this interior hall, it'll give you a nice flow to the

stairway, to the spa, to the disco, to the orgy room.

Good work, Roman.

And you have this by tonight?

Tonight.

Tonight.

Hold on.

Hello?

Ah, Papa.

Yes,

I'm in the dorm now.

No, I'm not yet studying hard because classes don't start until tomorrow.

Of course, Papa.

I promise not to bring shame upon you.

I love you too.

May a thousand virgins kiss your wood.

What a great dictator.

This is so retarded.

I mean, how can this guy kick us out of the dorm? Who the hell is he?

Yeah, it's all about the Benjamins, baby. Guess this guy's got a super rich

That's such bullshit.

I hope this place doesn't suck.

No, this can't be the right address.

That's what it says.

Welcome to the Bella Ravage.

Are you gentlemen guest to Mr. Volvitch?

Mr. Volvick wanted me to inform you that he'd be covering all your expenses for

anything you desire throughout your day.

Really? Anything, huh?

Yes, ma 'am. Anything.

Wait.

Like... Anything?

Anything.

Like... Anything?

Like, um...

I'm gonna have to check on that.

Sweet!

Holy shit! Dude, it's a motherfucking sweet! I got this room!

Take it, dude. You might even get laid in here.

Dude, you think so?

No.

That Ratco guy hooked it? Yeah, he did.

Woo! We're gonna have to send him a thank you note or something.

Wow, you do have a badge, don't you?

Cavernous. Like your mother's.

Leave Denise out of this, buddy.

Oh, Denise.

How your vag feels so smooth. It's like pudding, baby.

Tapioca. I'll bump it. Smack it. Smack it. Smack it.

Dude, I'm fake fucking your mom.

Oh, yeah.

Well, next time you fake bang my mom, do it right. The way she likes it. Nice

and slow, baby. Like this.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's germs.

I am Ratko.

Look at the scent on this guy.

It's like the moons of Jupiter.

Guys, what happened to the room?

We're customizing it. Don't worry. Everything's top class.

Come on.

Please excuse the dust, Jerry.

Roman assures me that the renovations will not interfere with our studies.

Come on.

We'll sit back, relax a little, watch a DVD.

Shut on your eyes!

Drink my balls to the straw!

This is our bedroom.

That is my bed, and that one is yours.

We're going to see a lot of us in here, my friend.

First, we do our own thing.

Then, when I get to know you better, we do the store.

Double team!

There's more. Come on.

This is the story of my country.

Here's my father, who drove out the communists and made us into a proud,

nation.

There's some girls we banged, and those are some fucking sheep.

Maybe we could put you in here.

I'm not really part of your country's history.

Don't argue this.

Put my main man in there.

You're going to need an extra can of paint for his bowl.

And this will be our discotheque.

Listen, Paco, maybe I should just find another room.

Jerry, what are you talking about?

Look, it's just... Well, I'm not sure that I fit in here.

I know what your problem is.

You think because I am so good -looking that I am homotestical and I'll try to

penetrate your ass?

Ew, no, no, it's not that at all.

It's just, look, I don't deal with stress very well.

Look, I need to keep up at least a B average if I even want to think about

getting into grad school.

Jerry, you have too many worries for a young guy at the prime of his life.

A semester with me is just what you need.

I can help you become more of a man. I don't even know why you want to ruin me.

I mean, you already have all these bodyguards and stuff.

Because this is what you do in college.

Two guys from different backgrounds get together, and then they become good

friends for life.

Oh, okay.

So, Eretero, then, you stay here.

How does this feel?

I don't know.

Oh, that's good.

You see?

You feel better already.

I tell the guys to shut the fuck up when you're sleeping.

Shh.

We are going to have a great year.

Dude, the fucking minifrage is even stopped. Dude, look at all these porn

channels. They said that Racco guy is picking up the tab.

Dude, we should watch Fingering Sarah Marshall.

I saw it. It was overrated.

How about Trannyformers? How about not Trannyformers? How about No Cunt for Old

Men? Eh. The Chronicles of Lavia.

It's a three -parter. I don't have that much time. How about Spray? What's

Spray? It's a classic story about a black girl who blinds herself by

too much. What?

Before we get started, I'd like to go around the room and ask each of you to

introduce yourself and say a few words about why you chose to major in

pharmacy.

Hi, I'm Letha.

My dad owns a drugstore.

We make most of our money from the lotto tickets, but someone needs to build a

prescription, so here I am.

Yes.

I am Ratko Volvich.

I come from a country where there is much war and suffering.

We get our medical supplies from relief guides and the UN, but we don't have

trained people who know how to count the pills and put them in the bottles. If I

learn how to do this, I can help many people.

Well, that's very nice, Mr. Volovich, but there's a lot more to being a

pharmacist and counting little pills and putting them into little bottles.

That's true.

You have to work the lotto machine.

No, actually, I'm talking about an entire branch of science, and there'll

smoking in my classroom.

has a government grant to develop military technology, and we're trying to

the... Yeah, don't worry about the world being destroyed in a nuclear inferno.

Evan, that's not helping.

Someone has to wake these people up, okay?

This campus is asleep.

Listen, are you free for lunch today?

I've been working on some slogans for the rally next week, like...

mass destruction did you make this year?

I would love to try them out on you.

Wow. I'd love to, but I have to go rehearse.

My dance recital is coming up. I can bring you a sandwich.

I mean, you have to eat, right?

They don't allow food in there.

Oh, hey. That's cool. I'll just bring a protein shake.

Can you believe this shit, Nels? They're back.

The same little...

wrote all those nasty letters about me to the Zagreb Pizza Prize Committee to

have a surprise.

While they were having bong hits of Habermeyer Kush all summer, I was busy

developing a little toy for us to have some fun with.

We're collecting signatures, ladies and gentlemen.

That looks great. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks.

Sweet pigs of paradise.

Guys, watch the car.

Excuse me!

Excuse me! Excuse me!

Hey,

guy! Do your blowjob somewhere else!

Fucking guy!

Fucking guy!

Thank you.

If this is a dream, the sheets will be wet when I awake.

Wow, that's just gross.

Forgive me if you misunderstood.

I only meant to say that you are so beautiful, I can easily ejaculate.

You're not from around these parts, are you?

I am foreign student.

I know it's hard to tell because I don't have an accent.

What is your name?

Holly.

Holly. What a pretty name.

I am Ratko.

Did you want to sign our petition?

You are dissident.

What? You should be careful.

You do not want to be tortured.

No, we don't have torture in this country.

You mean they execute you immediately.

Okay.

I get it. This is some kind of frat joke, right?

Very funny, very funny. So where are your brothers?

Come on.

Most of them are in military.

One or two in exile.

So what do you say, Holly?

Join me for dinner tonight.

Thanks, but I don't think so. You'll enjoy it.

I'll have my chef prepare a three -star meal.

Your chef?

Don't take this the wrong way. You seem kind of barbaric.

You see?

I like that.

You have a sharp tongue.

Dine with me.

If you do not like me, I will take you home.

We will shake hands and we will still be friends.

But you are going to like me.

Okay.

How do you like your goat?

I'm a vegetarian.

Good. More goat for me.

See you tonight.

Hello?

Do you have any idea what you just did?

Yeah, I know he's kind of neuro -trashy, but he's kind of funny. Is that Nick

Clemson funny?

What are you talking about?

That's Ratko Volvich, as in Casca Volvich's son.

Get out. No, it's not.

I'm not kidding.

It's a freshman here.

Holy shit.

Give me three.

There it is. All right.

Fuck you. Bullshit.

Okay.

Who would you guys rather fuck?

A hot chick with a huge cock, monster boner, or a fat chick

with horrible BO?

Smells like Gouda cheese.

Does the hot chick have a vagina? Of course she's got a vagina.

How else would you fuck her?

Butthole? Exactly.

That's true.

Pants the question now.

Well, I think I'd go with the hot chick.

Even if you had to suck her dick?

Wait a second, I gotta suck her dick now?

Dude, of course you gotta slob on that knob.

Couldn't I just give her a handjob or something? Dude, that's totally lame.

Yeah, come on, just gaggle that. Put it in your mouth. Alright, fine, yeah,

because she's so hot, I'd do it. I'm not gay or anything.

No. I'm not gay, dude.

And you let him come in your mouth, right?

Him? Did I say him?

I meant her.

You guys are assholes.

My thing is, is I, like, respect women.

I don't know. How's boutique, gentlemen?

I don't mind if I do.

Enjoy. I fucking love this place.

Taratco. Taratco!

Taratco, bro!

Kinder, bring down some chicken.

Holy, they're in.

How are you doing, guys?

Hey, I have great news!

I am in love.

Really? Her name is Holly, but she's very beautiful.

She'll come to dinner tonight. You will join us.

I already have plans.

Jerry.

What the fuck are you wearing?

Look, I'm a member of the Habermeyer Fantasy Gaming Society.

We're meeting the steam tunnels under the school and act out mythical battles.

Jerry.

When's the last time you had some gush gush?

Tuna?

Squirrel fur?

Hairy pot pie?

That's private.

Don't tell me you are virgin.

No.

Mother of God!

We have to pick a chariot.

Come on, take off that stupid costume.

We're going out.

Okay,

Jerry. We go inside, you let me handle the business.

You are here just for pleasure.

The asshouse.

Hello, baby.

I have a job for you.

He's here to get his bike cleaned.

Draco, this is a sword.

Don't worry, guy.

I was nervous my first time too.

They have been in business for a long time.

The girls must be very clean.

Let's go upstairs.

How about these two?

You can have both. My treat.

Excuse me, what are you doing here?

Too skinny.

Let's get going.

Now this one is nice.

How much is it for full service?

Oh, Racco, we shouldn't be here. We're going to get in trouble.

Ah.

Oh, my God.

You've got to like the big ear guy.

I like her.

What the hell?

Get out of here.

Get out of here. What?

You're not open yet. Get out.

We can't come back.

Get out.

Get out right now before I call campus security and the dean.

What kind of...

What sex house is this?

It's not a sex house, asshat!

Excuse me.

You have women in small rooms with beds.

Where I come from, that is called a sex house.

Front airbag.

Protects family pestlings.

Get out!

Come on, Jerry.

We'll take our business somewhere else.

Jerry. This is most uncomfortable.

I need you to release my aspect.

What? There's a release valve in the back.

Can you get it, Jerry?

It's stuck.

Stop right there.

Oh, shit.

It's the Dean.

never stop by to say hello.

I have been looking all over campus for you, Ratzkohlwobitz. And how is your

father?

Strongly genug.

How's your father?

They saw us naked.

Take down their names and write them up for being naked in front of a dignitary.

What? No. Don't touch me.

Please tell your father I'm really enjoying that pool table.

Hey, I'm having a few people over to rack a few if you don't have any plans.

A thousand apologies, Dean Sitlong. I cannot attend.

I have a date with an angel.

Crap, he's here.

I will go talk to him. I can handle this myself.

Hey, Ratko.

Am I too early?

You're not dressed.

I need to talk to you for a minute.

First, I'd like to present my gift.

Just a little something from a store I like. I can't go out with you.

But we have a date.

I know, but when we made the date, I had no idea who you were.

What do you mean?

He means that you're the son of a brutal and repressive dictator with a terrible

human rights record. Evan, go away.

Do you know what Amnesty Worldwide has to say about your father? They call him,

and I quote, a global threat to our world.

Holy, Papa warned me that this might happen.

Many peoples are envious because of his greatness and his ability to father

children. That's why they make up all these lies about him.

They're not lies.

They're well -documented facts.

Oh, yes.

If Papa was such a terrible man, then why does he get 110 % of the votes?

Are you an idiot, or are you just brainwashed?

The whole world knows of your father's crimes.

Now he's committing crimes?

Yes. I would consider robbing and torturing and killing your own people

Yeah. I do not like the way you talk.

And I'm starting to think that I don't want to give sex to you.

Then why don't you go give sex to your goat?

This is a stereotype!

We only do this on feast days.

The date is over. You should have heard the things he said about Papa. That he

is torturing and killing and doing crimes.

Dos cabitos. What?

So, where to now, boss?

Let's go look at the Dean's balls.

Now that's a pool table.

I'm really glad I was able to share this with you.

So nice of your dad to build me this pool and the condo and to send all the,

hello, very friendly ladies.

Hello, ladies.

And to send my allowance.

Great, great dictator, your father.

Cannonball!

So your dad gave all this to the dean.

Isn't that like a bribe?

No. In my country, it's called washing the hoof of the other.

See, Jerry, my father is all about supporting university, higher learning

some shit.

He is a great dictator.

Do it, Scott. Yeah, yeah.

Yes, father.

To celebrate me being single again.

I'm not a drinker.

Never refuse another man's yaya.

It's our national drink. It's made of fermented cabbage and man piss.

Guys, looking good.

How is everything at the hotel?

Yeah, yeah, there's just that one little thing with the cable. For some reason,

we're only getting like two premiums. That is not right.

I will take care of it.

Thank you, Radco.

Hey, Jerry.

How do you like Jasmine and Brie?

One is named for spice and the other for cheese.

After me, you will have a turn.

Oh, no.

That's okay.

Can't make love to a tissue box every night.

I hear what you are doing.

I am not. We have a problem.

We want to do a jump rope contest, but we need someone to count.

Dude,

this is the life.

Does not suck.

Could you even imagine being a dorm right now?

I do not want to. Yeah, no private bathrooms, no mini birds.

Yeah.

Come on.

Do you ever feel guilty, though, about taking Ratko's money?

Why would I feel guilty?

Because he's, like, from a fucked -up dictatorship that murders people and

tortures them.

Mexico does that?

Not from Mexico, you tarred ball.

Yes, he is. That dude is from Mexico. I've seen his standard -issue Mexico

mustache. I respect that comment, but I know for a fact he's not from Mexico.

I'm telling you from my heart.

And because my dad told me he read something about it, he's not from

He's from a fucked up dictatorship that murders and kills people for fun.

Yeah.

Champagne, please.

Hooking it up.

Thank you, good sir.

Don't drink while driving, bitch.

I keep thinking about Holly and what she said.

I saw no lying in her eyes and the guys.

The way they were looking at each other when I was talking about Papa.

Jerry, where can a guy go to read and look things up?

Uh, you mean like a library?

This is a library, you fucking guy.

Do you guys think Mario's dick grows when he eats those mushrooms?

Dude, it has to. I mean, the rest of his body grows. He can't leave his cock

behind. Do you guys rather fuck Mario or Luigi?

They're identical twins, dummy.

Yeah, right. Luigi's way hotter.

I think so, too. He's like an Italian Burt Reynolds.

Yeah. You guys are in crack.

Guys with mustaches give great head.

Skank. You're the skank. Eat me.

You're so skanky, dogs won't even sniff your coot. Fuck you.

You're so skanky your twat has a barcode.

Yeah, well, you're so skanky you roofied a retard just so you could lick his

dick. That's pretty weird.

Well, you're so skanky your pussy burns a hole through your panties when you

puke. You're so skanky you thought vaginas were supposed to be green.

You're so skanky you use country cock instead of country crock.

Oh, sorry.

Everything you said about Papa is true.

The man who I worshipped all my life.

has done these terrible things.

I know it's hard, but maybe you just have to accept the fact that your father

a bad person.

No, Holly.

He's had a hard life with many struggles.

He's just doing what he thinks is right, but he's going about it the wrong way.

I must tell him what's in my heart.

Right now?

I want you to hear this.

Hello? Papa, do you remember when I was a little boy?

And you told me how it was always wrong to go to a man's house, shit in his

well, butcher his sons, and give sex to all of his wives.

But since semi -college, I have learned that you are doing these things all the

time.

Papa, I think we need to make some reforms.

Find me my pilot and make sure he is not too drunk.

Shit! The signal faded.

He will come back.

Wow, that took a lot of guts.

A man must stand up for what he believes.

Well, I got to get to class, but are you going to be okay?

I'll be fine.

Thank you.

Hey, what are you doing later?

Why?

We're having a party at the co -op.

You should come by.

What are we celebrating?

Wedding? I missed?

It's just an excuse to get wasted.

You're so skanky you fuck your stick shift when you're stuck in traffic.

You're so skanky you let your grandfather teabag you and you like it.

skanky you're Britney Spears' beaver double.

You're so skanky you've never washed your double doll.

You're so skanky you gave Eduardo the gardener head while he was taking a

That's called a blumpkin.

I did it once.

It was kind of hot.

That is so not ladylike.

Seriously.

Okay, Bellhop, we're done here.

Oh, and don't forget my laundry.

Oh.

What smells so good?

You look being wild.

Here.

What do you think?

Do a formal?

Why don't you wear the camel blue?

Good call, my man.

So, guys, if I get lucky, I'm going to need some kind of signal to ensure my

privacy.

I got it.

I will leave a sign at the door saying, I am fucking in here.

Good? Okay.

You are sure we shouldn't come in with you?

You will be safe.

These are the mother of all pussies.

They are vegetarians.

You're smoking a duke.

I love to get high and laugh at crazy shit.

Monkeys.

He's into you.

First, just use one.

Holy!

Franco, you made it!

For you and your friend.

I guess you thought this was a nice party, huh?

What is he doing here?

I invited him. Do you mind? Yes, I mind. This is a house party. We don't want

any future dictators here.

Evan, you're being a real douchebag, okay?

Retko is a friend of mine. I cannot believe you are into this guy, Holly.

are such a fucking hypocrite. Hey, guy.

Where are your manners? You are talking to a woman.

Oh, now I'm getting etiquette lessons from Saddam like... That's enough, okay?

Retko... No, no, no, Holly. It's okay.

You have a problem with me?

What can we do about this?

Hmm. You can go to another college that... offers a torture degree.

So you feel like a man now? You think holy is impressed by you? You know what?

Get out of my face, you tracksuit -clad fascist!

You can cry to your mother and to your God, but no one will listen!

I'll kick your totalitarian ass!

In my country, if you treated a guest this way, you would be shamed upon your

entire village.

You're classed to live in the woods.

Draco, wait.

I'm really sorry.

Forget it.

Your friends have already made up their minds that I'm a shit guy.

I don't need this.

I don't think you're a shit guy.

You're bleeding.

It's nothing.

I fought with some of the top bouncers in Europe.

Do you want to go somewhere else?

But your party. Screw it. Whatever.

Have you ever experienced a soy banana split?

And I know so well, trust me baby, cause I can tell.

Like we're both in a world of our own.

Tonight I'm gonna take you places that you've never known.

Look how beautiful this campus is.

No barbed wire, no landmine. What gift it is to be here.

It's true. I love this place.

Even if the dean is a corrupt alcoholic.

The dean is a good friend of mine.

Exactly.

No offense.

Holy, you're too much a dissident.

Always making protests.

Paco, I'm not a dissident.

I just care about what's going on in the world.

I feel like I should do something to help instead of just sitting around

complaining about it all.

I understand.

Anyway, it's not like it's my whole life.

I have other interests, too.

You love dancing.

Yeah. It's something I've done ever since I was a little girl.

I even put on these shows for my parents in the living room.

And I get all dressed up, and I make my brother be my dance partner.

But I don't think that's why he's gay.

What is with that guy?

He's everywhere.

Well, he's losing my hair.

You have bigger problems than blowjob beef, Holly.

Why?

The day come blush when you arrived.

According to school legend, this means you're not a virgin.

Come on, that is so lame.

How did you lose it?

Cousin? No.

What? This is dumb.

Not everywhere, no.

Tell me about your country.

This is a monument from the 600 years war.

This one is from the 800 years war. We started in 1122.

Wow, your country really has a thing for war, huh?

It's true.

But someday, when I am leader, I will put an end to all this.

All these guys need to sit in a room and figure out how to live together.

Isn't that a little simplistic?

Maybe so.

But I have to try.

Your lips are like skewers of perfectly seasoned meat.

Grim Sharpland. He's got visitors.

Tonight...

You sleep with Skendar.

I'm just kidding.

Tonight, you sleep with me.

Okay, gracias, you too.

What a great attitude.

Great attitude.

I mean, she's got this shit -ass job cleaning toilets and shit, but she's

smiling.

Do you think she'd fuck us?

Dude, she's probably an illegal immigrant.

We just threatened to turn her in.

Dude, aren't you Hispanic?

Yeah.

That's fucked up.

Fuck.

You're right.

Yeah.

She woke me up with a bang -bang. Looking over cross -eyed. Had a big

the world was a big lie. When I got up, all the blood to my head. I got so

dizzy, fell back into my bed. I went over to the wayside. Skinder!

Tootgun! Grinder!

What kind of man?

Why? Why?

His Excellency loves lilacs.

So we're planting some.

Papa?

Papa!

Why do you stand so that I cannot embrace your balls?

You are not worthy of embracing my balls.

They walk.

I let you go to America. And how do you repay me? By spreading lies about me.

By befriending those peoples who would like to see my naked corpse

dragged to the town behind an ox cart.

Papa, no.

You let go to me.

But I was very upset when I found out some of the things going on in our

country.

Someday I will be leader.

So now you wish me dead?

No, Papa.

I just wanted to talk to you about the country that we both love.

You're giving up Pharmacy School, and you are coming home, where you

will serve in the military.

Papa, no. I will never disobey you again. I was wrong to question you.

You're willing to break up with this lying whore?

This collie?

Do you know about Holly?

She is an enemy of the people. Papa, no.

She is a good person. If you only knew her.

I see your decision is already made. Your girl will help you back.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Papa, you are my father. I will do as you say. Just let me stay.

You fuck up.

Next time I will not be so understanding.

Yes, Papa.

Now, you may embrace my bath.

Oh, now, now I have a great surprise for you. I have brought you

your bride.

My bride?

Yes.

This is Shota. And this is Tuta.

Papa, this is a great gift.

But do you think I'm ready for marriage?

These girls will make you a man.

Yes, Papa.

Perhaps when I come home for spring break.

Now, since I will perform the ceremony now, you're going to bring me a speckled

egg and some goat bladder.

Okay, Holly.

Here we are at Vegetable House.

Josh, can you please explain to me what's going on?

Uh, nothing.

The boss had to take care of some shit.

Well, why couldn't he just tell me himself?

He's a busy guy.

He wanted you to have this.

Good luck.

Oh, shit.

The rallies.

I almost forgot. Guys, can you guys wait for me?

Why don't you have your security detail give you a lift?

You know what I'm saying? You're cute, Evan.

Real cute.

Just give me a second to change.

Sorry. We gotta go.

Hey, hey, Professor K. How many bombs did you make today?

Hey, hey.

It was a wonderful ceremony, Your Excellency.

They make beautiful triples.

Adosha. Hey, hey, Professor, hey! How many bombs did you make today?

Watch out! It's a... It's okay, Your Excellency. Just some students on

How many bombs did you make today?

Hey, hey, Professor, hey! Take a good look. This is what you get with your so

-called democracy.

And I challenge...

Explain why our tuition money is being spent on blood money.

The protest against the devil. Oh, give me that.

What?

This is not the devil. It is about a professor.

Why in God's name would they want to protest this professor?

In our country, they would name airports after him.

All right, Nels.

As soon as you're in range, we're going to release a wave of infrasound at a

frequency of 18 hertz.

Aim directly at the inner ear. It will excite the odorless and produce a

profound sense of nausea.

Okay, boy.

in my tummy.

Evan, are you alright?

Evan?

I ate so much seafood, I feel like I'm gonna shit a 100 -year -old sea turtle

named Dave. Oh, my God.

When I take a shit, it's gonna swim and bark like a seal.

Oh, man.

When I crap out, it's gonna raise the world's water level.

It's an inconvenient truth.

Oh, man. I'm going to get in the shower and grow gills and just become a merman.

Oh, that would be great.

Then you'd get to bang a mermaid.

They're so glorious.

There's an upside.

Housekeeping.

It's okay with clean room?

It's okay.

Oh, it's very okay.

Speaking of mermaids.

Hola! Señora?

Hablo inglés?

No, no inglés.

Sorry.

Okay. Well, me and mi amigo were planning on having a little fiesta here.

You know?

Fiesta?

Sí. Un momento.

Okay.

Esos muchachos quieren ir a una fiesta.

Demos lo que quieren y les robamos todas las mierdas cuando están desmayadas.

Sí. Sí.

¡Fiesta! ¡Fiesta!

Move your body to the rhythm of the music. Move your body to the rhythm.

Move your body to the rhythm of the music.

Feel the night air blowing through your hair.

Move your body to the rhythm of the music Move your body to the rhythm Move

body to the rhythm of the music Move your body to the rhythm of the music

your body to the rhythm of the music Move your body to the rhythm of the

Move your body to the rhythm of the music Move your body to the rhythm of

music Move your body to the rhythm of the music Move your body to the rhythm

the music Move your body to the rhythm of the music

is going on in here?

Get it.

LFA. You two should be ashamed of yourselves.

Ratko puts you in a nice hotel room, he picks up the tab on everything, and you

repay him?

Okay. This is your room.

If you need anything, just ask the guy.

But darling, we are your wives now.

We share your bed.

Of course.

But I am rooming with Jerry.

Jerry? Who is this stinking whore?

Jerry is the guy.

He is my roommate.

This is how it works in college.

Your husband is homosexy.

Oh, Bob, this is a great day.

They're good, strong girls.

Their breasts will give sweet milk to your sons.

This is true.

Bob, your father asked us many, many questions which we had to answer

truthfully. You know we love you like a brother, and we will endure great pain

for you.

Fire, knives.

Oh, and the telephone thing, you know, with the little clips, the hair so it

won't nipple. Yes, I know, I know.

So, we are still good friends, yes?

Yes, Dushka.

Don't worry.

You may embrace my balls.

Now, father, we want to throw a grand wedding feast.

Thank you.

And now I must work.

But boss, wait!

We have a wedding gift.

A pharmaceutical

coat.

Too close.

Guys, not now. I'm busy.

It's me.

Holly!

I've been trying to call you all day.

Didn't you get my messages?

Fucking cell phones!

I'll get a new provider.

First you disappear this morning, and then your guys leave me with this bag

filled with money.

We need to talk.

My life is complicated.

Sleep, Bob.

I would like to give you a pleasure.

Go back into the room. Who are they? They're my cousins.

They are his wives.

Who are you?

You're married?

To both of them?

Yes.

But it is only recent.

That's great. I can explain. Here's your wedding present, all right? Enjoy your

honeymoon. Holy!

I'm sorry.

This is a nice gift.

We must spend a thank you note.

So what do you like? Sheep, God, or the mixed grill? What's in the mixed grill?

Sheep and God.

Okay, guys.

We want to welcome you to the palace to celebrate the wedding of three

fantastic people.

Let's bring them out.

THE BULLY!

Fuck it, Jerry.

This is all a lie.

This is not true.

I have no choice. My father arranged this marriage.

It was difficult.

But I have responsibilities to my country.

Teta and Shota will make good wives.

So what about you, Jerry?

You'll never find women more ready to ball with you than at a wedding.

Doesn't have to be the best looking girl in the room.

One eye, leg stump, fat.

Sometimes they make the best love.

They're grateful.

Just forget it, Rocco.

I'm hopeless with girls. Jerry, don't disrespect yourself like that. You're

best guy I know.

And any of these girls will be lucky to have you.

Okay?

Good man.

Now I'm going to go throw up.

Okay, everybody, everybody, listen up. In our country, We have tradition to

make tests for our wives to prove their worth.

Right now, I'm going to ask Shota and Yuta to

strip down to their swimsuits and enter the vat of antifreeze for the

trial of the pigs.

Good job.

You guys were cooking out there tonight.

Jerry.

My best guy.

I have a great favor to ask of you.

Sure, anything.

In my country, we have a tradition for the groom to share his wife.

I don't have my family here.

I want to share my wife.

You're kidding, right?

Look at my fucking face.

Do I look like a joker?

Oh, Radko.

I know what you're trying to do.

It's real generous, but... Here, why?

It'll be an insult to me if you refuse.

Jerry! Come.

Jerry! Come on up.

Let's dance for our sexy lady.

What is he doing here?

You know, our tradition.

What tradition?

What tradition?

Maybe I

should just go. They'll be very disappointed if you leave.

Doesn't look that way. Don't argue with me, Jerry.

Come on.

I don't want to. Come on, you. Don't do that.

Oh, shit.

Racco, are you okay? Wake up.

Oh, he's fine.

Just drunk.

He'll sleep it off.

I'm sorry about this whole thing.

It wasn't my idea.

You told me it was your tradition.

You're cute.

Oh, thank you.

You're very attractive, too. Both of you.

How would you like to make love to Iron Tooth, huh?

Wow, that sounds... great, but I probably shouldn't. We think you should.

Well, look.

My underwear's been falling off.

My stinking head.

I feel like something shit out of the

devil's ass.

You enjoyed your wives?

Yes, many times.

Boss, we must tell you something.

We must leave college.

What?

Tuscan. It's way too early to be fucking with me. I'm serious.

We have to do something very important for your father.

You know this Professor Croninger?

We are taking him back to the homeland.

His weapons will be of great use to our countrymen.

He is defecting.

Yes.

But he doesn't know it yet.

He doesn't know it yet.

I can't just barge into my office like this. You need to get the fuck out of

here. Some guys are coming to kidnap you.

What are you talking?

Wait a minute.

I get this.

You're with those little agitators out there and you're trying to get me out

there so you can humiliate me. It's not going to work. Please leave. What kind

of ass are you talking about?

You need to hide for a couple of days. Do you have a woman you can trust?

I'm calling security.

Yes. Call them. Good idea.

Fuck. What do you think? Change of plans.

The whole thing is called off.

Sorry, boss, we got orders from your papa.

This is not the way we do business at Habermas University.

You gentlemen are in a lot of trouble.

Put your hands together.

Go home to your wives.

I can't do that.

Boss, what are you going to do?

Don't make me fuck you up.

Oh, my house!

Sorry, boss.

Your papa told us you fight like mongoose for your American whore. And if

did?

We were to bring you home in shame.

Tape him.

Okay, so here's how it's going to go down. You hold off Conninger while I

this chain and I'll chain myself to the center seat.

Right. Then I'll chain myself to you.

Maybe you should just chain yourself to the spectrometer.

Let's do this!

What the hell is going on in here?

They're going to need another roll of tape.

Push me.

Push, push.

Push.

You need tissue, weepy?

It's going to happen.

You'll be taken to our country where you will make great weapons for our people.

What if I refuse?

You'll have trouble with your thousand movements for many years.

Too late for that.

Well, anyway, why would you want to refuse?

You'll live great life.

You'll have cars, money, a nice condo.

Any girl you want.

Plus, you'll be big hero.

I'm sorry you're mixed up in this holly.

Holly. For God's sakes, just...

Holly, no phlegm, okay?

Ha. Ha.

Ha. Ha, ha.

Forget it. Why are you so mad with me?

I'm not part of this thing. I'm trying to stop them.

I just really wish I'd never met you.

This is about the wives, isn't it?

Papa forced me to marry.

I never touched them.

Oh, no, no, no. Hold up, lover boy.

This is not right, Scandi. It doesn't feel right.

Lucian, listen.

You don't need a holy nor a friend when we get to the airplane

We let them go You

guys

need to get out of here they are going to kill you he just said that they would

let us go they lied They know you'll talk to your government. Why kill me?

can't they just kill you two?

My knight in shining armor.

Just act like you are normal.

Wacko, what are you doing?

Why ask, muscle?

They are like bear traps.

Okay, he's going to get us all killed.

I will go talk to them.

Hey, man.

Listen, I understand the immigrant proletariat, okay? I know where you guys

coming from. Your country has been the victim of 200 years of interference from

the West.

But I don't think that gives you justification to start making WMDs,

anything, you end up losing the moral high ground.

Do you see what I'm saying?

Okay,

let's go. This way.

Listen, I know that you're a non -violent person, but I want you to kick

my private parts.

Okay? It may sound ridiculous, but... Oh! Oh!

Not yet.

On the count of three.

Okay. One, two...

The one in the cuff of your skinny jeans.

Throw it to me.

Slowly.

You fucking guys. You fucking guys!

How dare you betray me? After all I've done for you!

Skinder, when I found you, you were pushing sheeps up a hill.

Duskan, you either didn't have good shoes, nor a good cologne, and you were

still watching movies on 8 -track.

Give me one good reason why I should spare your life.

That's right, little D.

I've decided to go with her.

I'm going to go someplace unappreciated.

Now, maybe you'll give me one good reason why I should spare your life.

Your father was probably going to kill you anyway.

We'll just save him the bullet.

Slayer.

Give up the Valkyrie of Myrmidon.

Jerry, this is terrible time to show up. Don't worry.

I've brought backup.

Fall, demon!

Drop your weapon.

What? Are you going to kill us with your aluminum spear and your leaf blower?

Better late.

You're all under arrest.

No job, bitch.

You're secret police.

Yeah, that's right, Ratko. Something like that.

Agent Flanders here tipped us off that you might be in some kind of trouble. He

was assigned to keep an eye on you during your semester.

Prediction? Jerry, you're a secret fucking agent.

Oh, they deputized me. I'm kind of like an intern. I just make coffee and stuff.

Thank God you're here.

I was terrified.

You liar.

He was in on it. He was going to sell his country for cars and a fucking

It's ridiculous.

It had nothing to do with money.

No, he wanted pussy.

That was why he was coming with us.

Here, bring him out.

What?

You... You found how much money in my freezer?

You talk to the maid. She's always misplacing the... Ow!

Are you sure you're okay?

Just a conclusion.

You fought like a wild boar today.

In my country, we have a saying.

A man who does nothing while his crops are destroyed, his village burned down

the ground, and his loved ones butchered like sheep.

This is not a man.

So true.

I know I've been a sheep guy, but give me another chance.

What about your wives?

I'm divorcing them.

As soon as I get a hold of a car battery and a rectum of a pig.

You rolled over my heart like a column of things.

Holly, you're the only one for me.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -mm.

Um, excuse me.

Not now, eh?

My guys need to take your statement.

Jerry, tell them to wait a minute. I wouldn't go down, eh?

Jerry, wait.

Jerry,

where I come from, if a man informs on another man, he's usually stoned to

death before a soccer match.

But you did the right thing, and I am grateful.

I cannot what?

They're painting over Papa.

I'm sorry.

Must be hard being cut off from your family.

Yes. Papa is quite displeased with me.

Especially after your Air Force dropped bunker busters on his palaces.

But it is normal for a father and son to have their differences.

But someday, we will be good friends.

After the World Crime Trials is over.

Yeah.

It could work out.

Oh.

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.

Is that plasma?

260 centimeters.

Come over and enjoy whenever you want.

Awesome. Sorry we had to move you out of the hotel, guys.

There were some changes in my financial situation.

Don't worry about it. We had a good run. Yeah, it was time for us to go anyway.

The tipping was killing us.

Okay. Check you later.

Keep it real, Ratko.

Ratbite.

Perfect!

This is not too bad.

You know, we're going to see a lot of ass in here, my friend.

Are you now?

Uh -oh.

Busted. The bull's in chain.

You know, I'm only kidding.

I got you a little housewarming gift.

A perfect cooker.

Top class.

For your goat or whatever.

You're the best, Holly.

It's a shame about my guys. I can't believe I was betrayed.

They gave what they deserved.

Now they are rotting in America's federal gulag hellhole.

That's just drowning blood!

I muster gas your balls!

Well,

that's my ride.

Jerry!

You're late for your anatomy lesson.

I did your laundry.

They're nice, girl. Enjoy them, my friend.

Your gift shall not be wasted.

Hey, do you guys need a ride?

No, no. We're going to a rally to see the monk.

You know what these cosmetic companies do to these poor fucking guys?

They put lipstick and eyeliner on their faces to make them look like whores.

Many of them die from the shame.

Huh. See ya.

That's not exactly what happened.

Yes, it is. I've been reading about this holly.

It's holly.

Holly. Ha.

Holly.

Ha.

Ha. Ha.

Ha. Ha.

Like no phlegm. You're doing phlegm. I do not understand what you're saying

about my phlegm. No, you didn't see that. It's just holly. It sounds

It's just ha.

You're doing the phlegm. It's not.

It's ha.

It's better.

You could do it like... Holly.

There was a decorated general with a heart of gold that likened him to all

stories he told of past battles won and lost and legends of old, a seasoned

veteran in his own time. On the battlefield, he gained respectful fame

medals of bravery and stripes to his name. He grew a beard as soon as he

to cover the scars on his face and always urged his men on.

But on the eve of a great battle with the infantry and dream, the old general

tossed in his sleep and left the witness meaning he awoke from the night to tell

what he had seen.

I walked slowly out of the tent.

All the men held tall with their chests in the air, with the courage in their

blood and a fire in their stare. And it was a great morning, and they all

wondered how they would fare. So the old general told them to go home.

He said,

I have seen the others, and I have discovered that this fight is not

worth fighting.

And I've seen their mothers, and I well know...

to follow me where I'm going.

So take a shower and shine your shoes.

You got no time to lose. You are young men, you must be living.

Take a shower and shine your shoes.

You got no time to lose. You are young men, you must be living.

Go now, you are forgiven.

But the men stood fast with their guns on their shoulders, not knowing what to

do with the contradicting orders. The general said he would do his own duty,

he extended no further. The men could go as they pleased, but not a man moved.

Their eyes gazed straight ahead, till one by one they sat back and not a word

was said. And the old general was left with his own work echoing in his head.

then prepared to fight. He said, I have seen the others, and I have

discovered that this fight is not worth fighting.

No.

And I've seen them others. And I will no other to follow me

where I'm going.

So take a shower and shine your shoes.

You got no time to lose. You are young, man. You must be living.

Yeah.

Take a shower and shine your shoes.

You got no time to lose. You are young, man. You must be living.

Go now, you are forgiven

you are forgiven. Go now, you are forgiven.

Go now, you are forgiven.

Go now.

Wingardia.