Original subtitles

Now, my old darling, they've laid her down to rest, and now I'm missing her

all we are.

But they don't give a monkey's sanity a chance, and they're calling off me

pension for a start.

So it won't be very long before I'm by her side, but I'll probably starve to

death, that's what I'll do.

But richer or poorer, I'm bloody poor, that's a fact, just because it's fixed,

it's done in health, but I'll do.

Thank you.

It's a proper size.

It don't fit in.

The room is too small, innit? Look, when I buy next door and knock that wall

down... Well, why don't you buy a bigger house?

Well, when I buy next door and knock that wall down, I'll have a bigger

won't I?

Ping -pong would have been better. Ping -pong. It's a bloody girls' game, innit?

play snooker either.

Shut up.

Millions of TV viewers shared a secret as cameras panned round the Labour Party

conference and caught two lovers holding hands.

I thought it was only our stories they had all them sex scandals. Holding hands

is not a sex scandal.

His wife spotted her husband during the conference.

I don't want to hear about your Labour Party and all its sexual goings on.

Why do you have to read everything out loud?

I'm trying to study the financial column here.

I don't read out loud, do I?

But you eat out loud.

Shut up.

You're probably more of a scholar than I am, Mr Garnet. I was a late starter,

you see. I left school before I got round to silent reading.

I'm beginning to see why your missus finds it so hard to put up with you.

Oh, we get along all right, so long as we don't see too much of each other.

Well, why do you stay together?

It's better than living with strangers.

...to be mayor last year.

But I did not want to be mayor because... I can still hear you!

I've read that paper. I know what's in that paper. I don't want to hear it all

again. I am trying to study a financial economy. I'm grappling with figures

here. Can't concentrate with you going on about the Labour Party and these

sexual titbits.

page. That's it. You sneer, my dear. You've got no money to understand the

responsibilities I have with it. Not the sun, my dear. Can you read? Can you

read? Look.

The Financial Times.

The paper for people with head on their shoulders. They use them. All just

sticking their hat on.

Not the sun inside it. Open a page through.

36. Yes, there are figures to conjure with all right. You think that's all

got to do is look at women's chests?

Having money's not as easy as you think.

I'm sure it's better than not having it, though. It's because you don't

understand the perplexities of it, my dear, do you? Look, look. Look where the

bloody bank sends me bank statements. Look.

Add it up.

Subtract, divide, compare the bank statements and their sums with my sums

make sure...

more sums now than I ever had to do when I was at school.

Not 36, 38 women's chests. I ain't got no time for that.

It's the figures I've got to deal with. Will you leave that alone?

The figures I've got to deal with now is bigger than women's chests, isn't it?

It's thousands and thousands of pounds. It's noughts everywhere and multiple

divisions. It's not just finger stuff, you know. Will you leave that alone?

They tell you how much you've got, don't they? Oh, yeah.

They'll tell you.

You don't want to get stitched up, mate. You've got to have your own books.

You've got to have your own figures, see? I mean, you... You'd

be... You'd be daft to trust a bank's figures, wouldn't you?

Wouldn't you?

I mean,

don't matter how respectable the bank manager might look, you've got to watch

them. what happened with that BBC -I bank thing, wouldn't it?

I mean, that was Arabs, wasn't it?

Well, you've got to be round a twist to trust your money to the bloody Arabs or

any bleating foreigners for that matter.

It's all paper, isn't it? It's all paper.

Paper.

And when it comes down to it, it's your paper against their paper, see?

I mean, you can't go down to the bank and count your money each day, you know?

You can't? No, no, they don't like it.

manager turned quite nasty.

Oh, he said, hey, all our customers want to stand

here and count their money. I said, what?

Why not? I said, why not?

It's their money, isn't it?

I said, what about all this service you advertise on the television, all the

friendly bank and all that cobblers? I said, as soon as someone comes in and

wants to count their bloody money, you turn nasty. So they can't, I mean, I

to him, I said, when Robert Maxwell, RIP, or

Rupert Murdoch, I said, when they come in your bank and ask to count their

money, I bet you don't tell them they can't. Well, he said, they don't bank

here, he says.

I said, I can bloody well understand why, I said.

I'm thinking of taking my money out too, I said.

I mean, I put...

that money in here in good faith, I think. And when I come in and I want to

it and have a count of it, like, you say, I can't.

I mean, what proof I've got that money still here, eh?

How do I know that, I mean, some Arab, he could be riding off across the desert

with it right now, but that money's stuffed in the saddlebag of his camel,

Well, I mean, that's what happened to BBC, I think, wasn't it?

You get statements, he says. Oh, yeah, I said, the people that have money in

BBCI Bank, they've got statements, mate. That's all they bloody well did get was

statements, wasn't it?

And while I'm talking, there's a fella comes in the bank, hangs his money

the counter, right, and before he's thrown... And before he's thrown his

hardly, they give it to someone else.

I said, I hope you don't do that with my money, I said.

He said, it's bank, and he said...

I didn't bring them in here. When you leave it, I didn't bring... He brought

that in here. And look, this is my half of the house, missus. If you don't like

it, you stay in your own half of the house. And if women like that didn't

themselves off like they do, people like me wouldn't have to look at them, would

we?

Naked huggies.

Not naked.

Actually, I mean, they shouldn't be allowed to show themselves off like that

newspapers.

If men like you...

Why newspapers like this? Well, they wouldn't have to show themselves off in

would they?

And where else would they show themselves off? It's their living, isn't

mean, there's enough unemployed without forcing the page three girls to join

them. I don't care where they show their souls off. If I had my way, I'd have

them covered from top to toe.

What, like Arabs, you mean? Yes, and put a mask on their face, not bloody Arabs,

so we wouldn't have to look at them even, and put a bloody gag in their

Phone shut?

You're talking about a foul shot. How can I play Snoop with her running about

behind me, dodging about there and shutting him ear hole all the time?

There's someone here advertising for a wardrobe just like mine.

What do you mean, just like yours? The one you smashed.

I didn't smash it.

No, they describe it here.

A good price will be paid and an address to write to.

Mr J Macdonald. Mark Mac.

Mark Macdonald. Eh?

What does he want a wardrobe for?

To put his clothes in, I suppose.

But he's off his head. He's not the full shilling.

He was down the market the other day buying wardrobes. Two he's bought. And

took a hammer and smashed a pair of them.

Smashed them into pieces.

Said they weren't what he was looking for.

Oh, he's the one that did the robberies.

With violence.

One man's still in hospital.

When they put him inside, his wife sold all his furniture and emigrated to

Australia. He says when he catches her, he'll swing for her.

They don't hang him anymore?

Oh, that wouldn't bother him.

His favourite wardrobe?

She sold his favourite wardrobe.

Are you all right, Mr Garney?

You've gone a funny colour.

What's he doing here? if he's so violent and dangerous?

Well, good behaviour, I suppose.

an incognito. Go where you like. You've got the money.

I'm taking underplume. Take who you like.

I'll go underground.

Go by bus for all I care.

You'll bury me past.

Don't make a mess.

I was watching that.

I want to change my name.

Oh, is this a proposal?

It's the woman that changes her name.

Oh, no, I hate the name Garnet. I'm going to become Mr. Orlenberry. I'm

make out I'm married to you.

Are you?

I'm going to do it with a deep hole.

Do it with what?

It's a sort of a nappy -dabbit.

Is it?

Well, he can keep his nappy -dabbit to himself.

He's not getting up to any of his old soldier's tricks with me, aren't you?

Thank you for letting me have that. Spare room, Mr Garnet. That's all right.

long as you do as I say. Has he got your spare room?

You heard what he said.

Well, that's it. I'm handing him me cards. I'm not cooking for another

Look, when a man gets thrown out of his house by a two -timing wife, it's the

Christian thing to do, innit? Oh, there's two sides to every story.

Not when he's thrown out of his own home to make way for his wife's lesbian

lover. A home that he's still paying a bloody mortgage on. A court, a decent

fair court of law.

Shut the two of them out, not take it out on the innocent party.

Who was that?

Any man is innocent.

All right, Mrs Pankhurst. How would you like it if you had a husband who turned

puster, eh, and threw you out of the home so he could move his boyfriend in

live with him?

It's only me.

Well, I wouldn't marry that sort of man.

I didn't intend marrying that sort of woman.

Where did she come from?

Most men don't intend to marry the sort of woman their wives turn out to be.

Who? That scene in the spare room there.

Yeah, and most women wouldn't dream of marrying the sort of man their husbands

turn out to be.

And how are you expected to know, eh? With all the lies and deceit that goes

into the court, there should be a trial period.

You shouldn't have to buy a pig in the poke.

She came in when you and Mrs Hollingbury were out. Said she was a relation.

She's not a bloody relation!

Oh, we always says that, but we're not brothers. and sister.

Closer, in fact.

Well, aren't you pleased to see me?

We had a trial period.

Oh, my Bert wanted one of them, a trial period, but I said no. I said I'm not

letting any man try me out before he marries me.

I said if anyone does any trying out, I said it's going to be me.

Your missus wasn't a virgin then when you married her. Well, of course she

wasn't. You don't think I spent all that money on hotels in Brighton just to

cart back a virgin, do you?

So she wasn't a lesbian and then there's that.

Well, I don't know.

I'm not a therapist.

I had to take my birth to one of them.

I don't know what goes on in their mind. I mean, I always knew what I wanted. I

was always easy to please.

And this therapist, she said, all he needs is fresh air and change.

Well, she wasn't keen then.

I would always manage to talk her into it.

He can have the fresh air, I said. He can go for a walk, but he's not getting

the change.

I'd be up all night, some night.

What, having your conjugals? No, talking her into them.

This therapist said, let him come and see me on his own, without you.

I said, yes.

so you can become the change you think he needs.

Didn't come cheap, you know. What? All them hotels in Brighton, all that money

for just five minutes of pleasure, and it wasn't all pleasure. She used to sing

hymns while I did it.

It's not helpful.

Of course, my bird was a handsome man, but not as handsome as Mr.

Guy. That old...

Free love, they called it. With all them hotel bills.

What's she doing here? I don't know. Well, I don't want her here. I never

invited her.

Have it away with them.

Go the whole hog. Give them a good test drive.

Discover if you're compatible before you tie the knot.

Look, I can see it all now.

I used to come back into the hotel room and she'd be in there with a maid.

It was so friendly, you know. First name terms, they wanted.

Dear this and darling that. Well, I put it down to her not being used to hotels.

You know, working class girl. And that, I, I was being cock -holed it.

and he's got to lie in it on his own.

You can't have your cake and eat it. That's what my Bert is always saying.

mind, eh? Look, your Bert's been dead and gone for years. I know he has, but I

see more of him now than I ever did when he was alive.

He's a changed man.

It's done him good up there.

My Bert was always a decent man, a lazy either good for nothing, yes, but there

was no harm in him.

But he didn't have the slumbering passions that burn

in you, Mr. Garland. Get off of me! No!

Get out of here! You're more like Harold, poor Gwyneth's husband, when he

alive. But you're more sensitive. Harold wasn't so fussy.

Harold was like a stallion at stud.

No time to waste picking and choosing.

When he died, naturally, Gwyneth was upset.

But, as she said herself, at least now he's up there I know where he is on

Saturday night.

Mr. Garmin.

After Mr Garnet.

Well, what about all that mess under there? You could write your name in it.

Yeah, I cleaned it yesterday.

Well, it'll be cleaned every day from now on. Look, I don't want either of you

to look after me. If I want somebody to look after me, I'll get a nurse, won't

I? Somebody young and fit, a professional who can run about a bit for

nurse? Oh, you are asking for trouble, a young girl?

Looking after an old man what's rich?

Before you know where you are, she'll be putting poison in your nightcap.

I've seen it all at Eastbourne.

Down there at Eastbourne, the doctors and the nurses, they have polished off

the elderly rich.

They worm their way into the will, drop of arsenic in the cocoa, another

funeral, another doctor with a Rolls Royce.

When you are rich and old, you've got to be very careful who you... You let into

your will, Mr Garnet. I ain't got no will, cos I'm not leaving any money, not

for anyone.

But don't you remember our promises, you and me and Bert and Gwyneth, how we're

going to leave everything to each other? No!

You heard about poor Gwyneth, didn't you? Oh, Gordon Bennett, here we go.

She's been taken from me.

I was going to write, but I thought myself...

you put in a letter.

I'll wait and I'll tell him myself.

I'll break it to him gently.

We were so close, all three of us. Your sister Gwyneth died three years ago.

Yes, and yours was the last name she spoke.

Oh, yes.

She said, tell him, she said, if I had anything to leave, I'd leave it all to

him, just to relations.

To those who love us. You're not a bloody relation, are you? Anyway, I'm

to emigrate.

Oh, are you? Somewhere nice, I hope. I've always wanted to travel.

I would like to meet foreigners.

Especially them blackies. Well, there's plenty of them living around here.

You're thinking of having written that. Well, what would you do?

Anyway, besides, I've been getting all these threatening letters, you see.

Who's from? From the bank, from the DSS, from the tax people. Listen, if anyone

asks, you say you're me.

Who?

Both of you.

Both of us? Yeah, see, nobody knows what I look like. I'm only known by name.

Oh, I'm coming out the door now.

Oh, God.

He's got someone with him. Look, all you've got to do is persuade him you're

But if he's the bank manager, he'll have seen you before.

He'll know I'm not you. That's the idea. I wanted to say that you're not me.

Oh, you want him to call me a liar?

No, I'm explaining it to you once, you thick mick. All I wanted to do is to say

that man is not Alf Garnie.

But that's what he will say as soon as he sees me. But you'll have my pension

book and my rent book, which proves that you are me.

Yes, but I've also got a face that proves I'm not you. But that's our trump

card, see? Our amenity.

See? Nobody knows what we look like.

We're what our papers say we are, cos we're all of us known by our names.

I know you by your face.

Not if I change it, you won't. How are you going to do that?

Pull a stocking over your head?

That'd be an improvement.

No, just say you're me, all right?

to be? I'll sign it on Mr. Olinbury.

This is Olinbury's husband.

You look more like my father.

You can be my husband.

You look more like his mother.

Don't answer the door. That's the thing to do. Lie low.

Well, we've got to let them in. They can hear us. They know we're here.

Look, I'm letting them in. Now, if this goes wrong, I'm telling the truth

because it's you they're after, not us.

Now, don't forget, you're me.

Mr. Garnet?

I'm Mr.

Garnet.

I'm Mr.

Garnet. He's Mr.

Garnet.

We're brothers.

And sisters.

Which one of you is Mr. Alfred Garnet?

I am.

He is.

We were both Christian Alfred.

Our mothers... Mother...

Love that name.

She also called us Fred and Mike.

And me.

Shut up.

Just to clear up any ambiguity, you see. Which one of these two placed the money

in your bank? Neither.

I've never seen either of them. The person who brought the money into my

was an older man.

A dumpy, squat, bald -headed little man.

With glasses and a moustache.

He's an imposter.

Wear the garnets.

But he's the one who lives here.

You have to freeze the account. It's all there, I suppose.

No, it's all been moved, drawn out in cash, placed into hundreds of small

deposits, I imagine, that wouldn't have to be declared.

Are you the outgarnet who lives here? I am not.

Yes, that's me.

You live very well, don't you, for a man on a pension?

Well, I get the odd bit of security, you know, the odd bit of help.

Runs through a full -size snooker table.

And a bar.

Very well stocked.

New telly. All this modern furniture.

He won it.

Won it? Won it.

Quiz shows.

You say he won all this on a quiz show?

Yeah, he does all the competitions.

Newspaper, magazines, everything.

That must cost him a small fortune in postage.

He delivers it all himself.

He delivers it all himself?

He delivers it all. I have a bicycle.

You've won that too, luckily so.

Who are you?

I'm her husband.

He's my father.

I'm her father.

He's my husband. He's my fiancé. Shut up.

Yes, I think we've seen enough.

investigating all they bloody will want.

By the time they catch up with me, mate, I'll be broke all day.

Have a drop of champagne.

What's that in there, me? Have a little black and tan.

Hello, Mr.

Gunn.

I'll probably starve to death, that's what I'll do.

But richer or poorer, I'm bloody poorer, that's the fact. That's because it's

sickness and it helps us, that I'll do.

It's sickness and it helps us.