Original subtitles

Now, my old darling, they've laid her down to rest. And now I'm missing her

all we are.

But they don't give a monkey's down at the age of death. And they've gone and

I'll be pensioned for a start.

No, it won't be very long before I'm by her time.

But I'll probably starve to death, that's what I'll do.

But richer or poorer, I'm bloody poor. That's because in sickness and in

bastard, I'll do.

Don't talk to me about referendum.

Look at this.

This used to be 12 pennies once.

It's silly.

Now it's only five pennies.

This was a two -shilling piece, 24 pennies.

You could buy 20 fags and half a dozen pints of Guinness for that once.

It's inflation.

It's robbery.

Daylight robbery.

240 pennies to the pound we used to have once, before all this mess and about in

Europe started.

140 pence has been stolen from us, from each and every one of us. So who's had

it? Where did it go, eh?

You have never had it so good, said Harold Macmillan.

Somebody soon put a stop to that.

Well, it wasn't Macmillan what stole it. I never said it was. Oh, Mac, that is

our man. He didn't eat the nickel.

Well, somebody had it.

What, was Harold Wilson was living at number 10 in them days?

You got a down on that, man.

No, no, I'd be fair. Speakers are fine. But, I mean, you put a poor boy in a big

house like that, well, it turns his head, doesn't it? I mean... Municipal

Club was the biggest house he'd been into until he got into number 10.

It was Ted Heath put us into Europe. It was your darling Harold who held the

referendum. It was Mr Edward Heath had our pennies.

Son of a job and builder he was. Next thing you know, oh, young Teddy's out of

grammar school and Prime Minister with two grand pianos and a big boat in the

River Eyre.

And what about Harold Wilson then? Ruined this bloody country, he did.

Never mind about Harold, he lined his pockets first, though, and then

to the silly hours and become a tax exile. He wasn't the only one.

Look, Teddy stayed here, didn't he? Hey, he might have fiddled a few quid for

himself on the side, but...

He stayed here and paid the tax on it. He went, oh, make her the queen. All the

money she's got. She's never run off and become a tax exile, has she?

Well, she doesn't pay tax, does she?

Well, I think she ought to. I mean, if anyone can afford to pay tax, she can.

That's clever, that is. Yeah, make her pay tax and then she'll be having a tax

exile with the rest of them.

Well, two, who'd have her?

Who'd have her?

Who'd have her?

Bloody Japs would have them, mate. They'd bite up the rest of the world,

wouldn't they?

We've already got bloody Robson and Lineker. God damn it.

They'd jump at the chance of our Queen.

They've got their own royals. Yeah, so they might have, my dear. Not a patch on

ours, are they?

Might be clever little sods of making motorcars, but... And all their

electronicals and all their high technology.

But nobody makes bad royals than we do, mate. Oh, I'll grant you that.

I'm an Irish man, but when it comes to making royals, nobody makes them better

than the English.

That's right.

Paddy, we can't export them. It might put the country back on its feet.

That's what the common market thing's all about, isn't it?

It's how they want Her Majesty and us.

Don't need no referendums.

All we've got to say is, no, we're not interested, and the whole thing will

fizzle out. Or, yes, we'll run it for you.

And boom, boom, big success.

Because they know that without Her Majesty and us, it's a non -starter.

Because nobody knows more about running empires than we do.

Empress of Europe, that's what she'll be, with her face on all the banknotes.

What are you doing?

Tomorrow's breakfast.

Not much, is it?

No. Be left tomorrow.

Which one's mine?

That one.

I see.

Thought as much.

What do you mean? Nothing, nothing. I'm not complaining.

I noticed you've given yourself the biggest bit of bacon. It's all right,

all right. I'm not complaining.

They're both the same size.

Yeah, all right, all right. If you say so.

All right, you have that one in.

No, no, no, I'm not complaining.

If Mrs Carey buys that wardrobe off me today, I might be able to do a bit of

shopping. Otherwise, you will have something to complain about.

Of course, it'd be bread and pullet from now on. Pullet, what's that?

Pullet. Pullet any way you like, that's all you've got.

At least until the bread runs out.

You will help me move that wardrobe, won't you? Yes, I've told you. Well, see

you do.

Otherwise, whatever money I've debt, I'll spend it on myself.

Bloody wardrobe.

Right, I'm off.

I can't move this.

What do you think I am? Bloody Samson.

A load of old rubbish, anyway.

Firewood. That's all that's fit for.

Ooh!

Bloody hell.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Bloody stupid!

Bloody morgue out!

Bloody shovel -paster for a bloody drawdown!

What's this?

It's real.

It's real enough.

Blimey.

She don't know about this. She can't do it. It's a fortune.

Blimey.

This could be part of the Daily Mirror pension fund.

It's a bit musty.

It's been in that drawer for years. That's pre -Maxwell, that is.

Finders keepers, eh?

Oh, blimey.

That's a secret drawer, isn't it? Look at that.

Well,

this is a little stroke of fortune, isn't it, eh?

Yes, it's a nice piece.

Yes, if my Harry can move it, I'll have it. Here, what's in it?

Oh, nothing. I cleared it out.

Yes, it locked. It won't open.

Oh, that lock's not very good, is it? Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

I've had the key now.

Oh, never mind. My Harry, he'll fix it.

Oh. Oh, yes, that is nice.

Here, Mrs. Hollingberry, I don't know how you put up with that man downstairs.

to him, I suppose.

to marry him?

Well... Well, you could do better than him. No, I feel guilty about that.

What, leaving him at the altar?

Oh, I did laugh.

Served him right, I thought.

So, um, well, why did you agree to marry him then?

Well, I thought he's got money tucked away, I know.

And he's old.

Yeah. So he won't have much longer to go.

He won't be too unbearable, you know. And if the Lord is good, well, it might

only be for a few months anyway, so I said I'd marry him. Yeah.

Yeah, I probably still would.

Would you?

Shall we go downstairs?

Cow.

A lying, cheating, crafty, bloody cow.

She's not having any of this.

So's her bloody right.

Am I going to get out?

Sorry, don't panic, don't panic.

Oh, dear.

I'm entombed in here. I'll suffocate.

Oh, no.

Don't move about, I see.

Mustn't breathe deeply. That's it.

Rationally breathing.

Breathe. Short breath.

I've got to make the air last.

You've got to paint. You've got to paint.

Oh, God.

I'm breathing too fast.

And she'll get it.

She bloody won't. I'm not that guy.

I've got fresh air.

Come back here, Fruity.

I'm going to have to smash it. I don't want it smashed up. Mr Carey said he'd

give me £10 for it.

Well, I'll give you £10. Smash it.

Where have you got £10?

I've got... Was there anything in that wardrobe?

No. It's empty. Why?

Nothing.

It's as I thought.

Well, I'll just have to stick it out, won't I?

Play this lot close to me chest.

Hide the man who put the bank up on the car.

Well, that's all right.

Yeah, it was very nice.

Stop mucking about, will you? I'm hungry.

I'm not mucking about. You're the one got the wardrobe stuff.

How am I going to get it to you?

Oh, God.

Not funny.

Oh, you are such a baby.

I've thought of an idea how to get your dinner.

What?

Well, say thank you, then.

Bloody saying thank you, that cow.

Why don't you get a ladder?

I was thinking of your hip.

If I take an agile man to climb from that windowsill onto a ladder.

Well, what if the blanket gives way?

It won't give way.

It'll be resting on the ground.

You thick mick! Go downstairs and get an axe and chop this...

stairs, in my room, in my cupboard, under the lino, second floor board.

Oh! Shut up! Shh!

That's where you keep your money now, is it?

You're really such a miser.

Goodbye. Nice piece of furniture.

You'll be sorry, my dear.

Yeah, Michael.

Have you got another axe?

45.

I only made it 45.

50. 45.

25, 30.

35, 40.

45, 50.

Yeah, well... No, I'm being sure, is I? I mean, pure money, innit?

No skin off her nose just to count it again, is it?

Well?

I wish to open an account, my dear.

There's more.

Excuse

me,

missus, can you give us a hand here?

Moose off with all that lot. I mean, now I think they don't want to cast no

spurs. I mean, she gets round the back with that, you know, out of sight of

everybody, and boom, boom. Half of that can finish up in her handbag. I'd like

you to know, sir, that we're very... What is the problem? What is the

was just coming to see you, sir.

This money's very old.

Well, who's forced that, when you dished it out?

Your money is out of date, sir.

What do you mean, out of date? It was withdrawn from circulation years ago.

Don't you come that with me, mate.

That is currency of the realm.

That's got our picture on it, look.

The money was called in by the Bank of England. It was changed.

New notes were issued.

When? Some time ago.

I wasn't told.

Nobody wrote and told me.

We told all our customers.

But I'm not a customer.

I was thinking of becoming one, but if that's your attitude... It was in all

papers. Oh, what about them who can't read?

Oh, look, I promised to pay the bearer. I thought you... said you couldn't read.

I can read money.

Ah, yes. Well, don't be alarmed. We can take the money. It's quite all right if

you care to come into my office.

This is a lot of money. You're quite wealthy, Mr... Garnet.

Yes, and you would like to bank with us.

Do you smoke?

Oh, yeah. Would you care for...

A cigar?

Oh, thanks very much.

I'll take one for later, if you like.

Yes, well, we'll get the money counted.

In here, we'll have to watch it. No offense.

Oh, no, of course. A glass of sherry?

Of course.

I don't want none of that invested in third world countries, thank you very

much.

Don't want you going bust with my money. Oh, I can assure you... Look, you owe

millions already, so I've heard billions.

Well... Just don't lend any of mine to people who can't pay it back. Anyway, I

should be able to count it regular. Don't worry.

I mean, you see, in the old days, a handful of coloured beads and a few bits

broken glass was enough for your third world natives.

I'll give you a little tip.

Want to get your money back?

Send a couple of brigades of guards out there, fix bayonets and tell them we've

come for our money.

Well, I think you'll find that we are quite cautious with our investments.

That's another thing. I don't want your shareholders making money out of me.

Well, you could become a shareholder yourself if you wanted.

Yeah?

Well, yes, with the money you have, you could invest in the bank.

Would I be able to sack people?

Well, as a shareholder, you could attend shareholders' meetings.

No, what I mean is, if I come in here and I wasn't treated with the proper

servility... Oh, civility, you mean. No, I mean servility. A bit of bowing and

scraping. Yes or no, it's a free bag's full, sir.

That kind of servility.

I'd like some of that, mate. And I think with all that money over there, I would

be entitled to some of that.

So all this money is savings, then?

There's no law against that, is there?

Oh, no, no, no. But you must have had a very good job to have managed to save

all this.

Yeah, well, it was regular.

I've done a lot of overtime, you know.

But this is an incredible and amazing amount of money to have saved from a

regular wage, even with lots of overtime.

What did you work out?

Look, that's my business, isn't it? I mean, I've come in here to open an

and put my money in your bank, not to be cross -examined about where I got it

from. I mean, blimey!

I've got that money, honest, which is more, I'll wager, than most of your

customers can say. I mean, blimey, I'm putting money into your bank, not taking

it out. I'm the one who should be doing the cross -examining because I'm the one

who should be asking for references.

I'm the one taking the risks, isn't I?

I'm the one leaving my money with strangers.

Look, I don't mean to cross -examine you, but this is a great deal of money

of a denomination that has been out of circulation for some years now.

And you come here out of the blue with all this money. Which, don't worry, we

will accept and arrange to have change for you.

But I'm sorry, some questions will have to be asked. You have to expect that.

You have to expect questions will be asked.

For sure, questions.

Well, the obvious, where you worked, what kind of job you did, how much you

earned. I mean...

You're going back a long way. I mean, I can't be expected to remember every

penny, can I? This is hundreds of thousands of pounds we're talking about.

It's mounted up, isn't it? What?

Hundreds of thousands?

Over two.

We'll have a figure soon.

Um... Who's going to be asking these questions?

Oh, the authorities.

They're going to be very interested, intrigued, I would say, to know exactly

you managed to save such a great deal of money.

Well, I've been careful.

And why you've kept it out of circulation for so long. Well, don't

banks, mate.

No, no, I don't think that's going to cut much ice. Why not? Because a lot of

them are very dodgy.

Well, not as dodgy as you're going to look if you haven't got the right

to some of their questions.

Um... What if I found it?

Did you?

What, before it was lost?

On my mother's life, that money is honest.

Is your mother still alive?

No, we don't.

Now, where was the money kept? In a tin box?

What are you, a trader?

You've been doing cash deals.

No, no, no, you'd be much too fly. You'd have kept it up to date. You would have

recycled it.

Treasure trove? I mean, that's legal, isn't it? You know, finders keepers. No,

no, I don't think you get very far with that. They want to know where you found

it, under what circumstances.

Oh, where did you find it? I didn't say I found it. Oh, yes, you did. Now,

excuse me, I said, what if I said I found it?

I mean, if that's no gold.

It certainly isn't.

Hmm. Well, it's savings, then. And you're sticking to that.

Well, it's their word against mine, isn't it? Oh, no, no, no. They'll delve

your records. They will trace every penny you've ever earned since you were

child, how much it cost you to live, and by that, they'll work out how you

managed to fare all this.

It's going to take them a bloody long time, isn't it? Oh, they won't mind.

Neither will I.

But until they prove otherwise, mate, that money's mine, isn't it?

I mean, you know, maybe... Maybe it's not all earnings, maybe some of it's

winnings. Winning? Yeah, you know, dogs, horses, football pools.

Yeah. I might have won the pools, you know, and had up more winners than I can

remember. Remember?

Yeah.

That's what's happened.

What? I've had a big win on a football pool, see, and I've forgotten it.

That's it, that's it.

I probably put it under the bed and it slipped me mind.

It's me old -timer's disease.

That's what's happened.

I'm in this old age, you know, the mind goes.

That's it, I won the money, stuck it under the bed and forgot to put it in

bank. I mean, let them ask their questions.

I mean, you know, at my age, I can't be expected to remember every little

detail, can I?

Questions, questions.

I mean, what's the use of asking questions if you don't know the answers?

What I do know, mate, is that money is mine. But where it's come from, well, I

don't know, do I?

I mean, if I'm ill, you know, with old -timers, well, me mind's gone, isn't it?

Not my fault I'm ill, is it?

You can't lock me up for being ill, can you?

You better give me a checkbook before I leave here so I know where I put the

money this time.

Don't want to lose it all again, do we, eh? Ha -ha -ha -ha!

Ha -ha -ha -ha -ha!

You see, my trouble, mate, is I've got all these aliases, non -diplomies, you

know?

If I'm going to have a bet, you know, or do the pools, I don't use my own names.

I've got all these aliases, like Lucky Jim, Happy Harry, Barmy Bill and Morrie

Goodluck Boy. And, you see...

If I've got any winnings to come, I'd send it on to a forwarding address.

It's all legal and above board. It's like what your millionaires do with

Lichtenstein, their offshore islands and that.

You know, where they stick the stuff they don't want people to know about.

I've got my aliases, haven't I?

What else?

I'll have a pint of best bitter, my dear, and a large whisky, if you please.

Teddy or Mr Garnet, you owe £4 already.

Hmm.

Clear my account with that, will you, my dear?

The Rich Arrow.