Original subtitles

Now, my old darling, they've laid her down to rest. And now I'm missing her

all we are.

But they don't give a monkey's sanity age, is there? And they call it I'll be

pensioned for a star.

No, it won't be very long before I'm fired.

But I'll probably starve to death, that's what I'll do.

But richer or poorer, I'm bloody poor. That's because it's sickness and it

us, but I'll do.

You've got an elf hospital too.

It's all right, not bleeding.

Come here.

Come here.

Bloody daft, bloody thing.

Look.

Look, stop hiding, will you?

Who are you swearing at? This bloody time. Try to cut it, it won't let me.

I don't know.

I don't know why we...

You have to have bloody nails. I mean, what use are they?

Well, I wouldn't want to be without mine.

Look, I'm not talking about fingernails. I'm talking about toenails, aren't I?

Well, what's the difference?

Oh, blimey, you'd soon see the difference. You had these growing out

your fingers.

I wouldn't want them growing out the end of my toes, even.

I don't know why I'd have to keep on growing. I mean, nothing else is growing

me. Everything else has stopped growing. I mean, why can't your bloody nails

stop growing?

Your hair stop growing? Shut up.

What do you want, anyway?

Well, I come down to see if you'd help me hang a picture up.

Oh, Gordon Benny, look, I'm old and I'm 75 about, so I'm not a young man

anymore. You want me to risk accident climbing up ladder hanging pictures?

No, you won't have accident. No, it's only picture. It's been blessed.

Well, if it's been blessed, it should be able to hang itself, shouldn't it?

Look, you help me with the picture and I'll...

Oh, mind what you're doing. Be careful.

Where are you going?

I've got to get my rubber gloves.

You don't think I'd touch your feet with them?

Look, they're clean.

When do you wash them last?

I bath regular.

I mean, Christmas is regular.

You know, I've always wondered what that awful smell was in this house.

Where's that old gas mask?

We've got no gas mask.

Very funny.

Come on, lift your feet up.

You should take these feet to Lourdes and dip them in the water.

What good will that do?

Well, it'll make them a lot cleaner.

cutting them one at a time.

Oh, Gordon Bennett, give me patience.

What do you think I'm trying to do? That's always cutting one at a time. How

many do you cut at a time?

No, I mean, don't rush at it. It's so bloodied.

Rush? Rush?

My rushing days are over, my dear. I can't even bend over to cut me bleeding

toenails, can I?

Well, plan it.

Oh, plan it. Plan it. Oh, God.

At my age, I have to plan everything, my dear.

If I'm only laying in bed, I have to plan how I'm going to get out of it.

From sitting in a chair, I have to plan it before I can stand up. To walk,

that's another plan.

To bend over, that's another plan.

I have to make more plans than bloody Napoleon did when he was invading

My life is one bloody big plan, isn't it? I have to plan things now that I

do once without even thinking about.

that for?

Well, sentimental reasons.

It looks as though it's been with you a long time.

You can be buried together.

Get out of it.

It may not be long now anyway.

No, probably not.

Wouldn't bother you, would it? Not if you help me hang that picture first.

Oh, well.

Yeah, I won't be short to go, I tell you.

Nothing to hang on here for, have I?

It's not as though I've got any loved ones, is it? That's true.

Here. You'd last a lot longer if you helped yourself and stopped smoking that

thing. I've lasted 75 years smoking this, my dear. Anyway, what am I saving

myself for?

Slow starvation? That's what's staring me in the face.

Bloody government.

Don't give a stuff for old people that don't... You're a friend for yourself,

aren't you? Oh, yeah, save the children, save the whales, save the wildlife,

save this, save that. Nothing about save the old, is there? No.

If I had AIDS, there'd be having bloody concert parties for me then.

Yeah.

Bloody begging bowls in the streets.

How would you get AIDS?

Don't be facetious. Look, after the First World War, there was hundreds and

thousands of soldiers coming back with VD.

Your VD killed more than your German bullets did.

But they didn't have no concert parties for them. No, it was, get off down to

the lock hospital, you dirty bugger. And when you got there, when they got

there, all they'd given was the umbrella treatment.

What's that?

What's that?

Yeah. Oh, blimey.

I want to go into details, my dear.

The little thing that a closed umbrella, see?

And I poked it inside you.

And then I opened it up inside and pulled you out!

Ooh! Yeah, you may well ooh, my dear. It was bloody painful, it was, too.

How do you know?

Did you...? No, I didn't. I didn't go for that sort of thing, did I?

I've never got the chance, probably. No, I kept myself decent, didn't I?

Anyway, that's not as serious as it is. Oh, isn't it? Well, if you was one of

the poor buggers unlucky enough to catch it, it was bloody serious, my dear.

If you didn't die from it, your bloody nose fell off, didn't it?

Or other bits of you.

They didn't have to tell them to have safe sex in them days. You couldn't have

any sex, could you?

Not with bits and pieces of you there falling awful over the place.

Oh, men.

Oh, yeah.

And who do you think they catch it all for?

Well, it's only a certain type of woman. And it's only a certain type of man, my

dear.

Well, it is different to venereal disease.

I mean, venereal disease was a dirty, disgusting disease.

Decent, respectable people can catch AIDS. Oh, yeah? And what do you think

decent, respectable people was getting up to to catch AIDS, eh?

Yeah, well, it's not always their fault.

Well, whose fault is it, then?

Rock Hudson caught AIDS and there was nothing wrong with him.

Except he caught AIDS, my dear. It's not like catching a cold, you know.

No, I mean, it's just my trouble.

If I was foreign, they'd care for me then, all right.

Who would? All the bloody caring people.

If I had a black face... To match your black feet? Shut up.

If I had a black face, my dear, if I was an Ethiopian, a Bangladeshi, Indian

even, they'd care then if I didn't have enough to eat.

Listen, those poor people you're talking about are starving. I'm starving, but

nobody's getting up concerts for me, are they?

All right, they're hungry, but so am I hungry.

Oh, blimey. And I'm cold too, which they are not. They don't have to worry about

gas or electric or the price of bloody water.

Thank God they're water.

No, neither will we have soon. The price of charging is high.

Yes, but those people are facing starvation.

Well, we're facing starvation.

What do you think we've got in the bloody larder here?

Yeah, but theirs is a famine.

Ours is a famine. We've got famine in this house, haven't we? What have we had

to eat today, eh? And what are we going to have to eat tomorrow?

There's no helicopters whizzing over this house delivering food, is there?

Look, my dear, I know, I know it's hard for them. It's hard for everybody in

this world.

What they've got to do, they've got to learn to grow things out there.

I don't know why they don't move.

They never make a guy that place out there. I mean, it's no good sitting

about it.

Do what Norman Tebbit says.

Get on your bike.

I mean, if farming's not what you're cut out for, if you ain't got green

fingers, all right, find another sort of job you can do. Anyway, it's all sand

out there, isn't it? Nothing will grow in sand except bloody seaweed.

Look, I've got nothing against your Ethiopians. I mean, it's not their fault

they're Ethiopians, is it?

They didn't ask to be born Ethiopians. I know that.

And you can't choose your land or your parents, can you? I know that.

I mean, you don't blame a donkey because he's not a racehorse, do you?

You don't beat it. It's not his fault he's a donkey. He didn't ask to be made

donkey, did he? It is what it is, and you can't change that. So show a bit of

sympathy, that's what I'm saying.

Give him a nice little cart to pull so he won't feel unwanted.

Well, that is the Christian thing to do, isn't it?

Oh, mind what you're bloody well doing!

Take your foot down.

And even the Irish can grow potatoes.

So could you under these toenails.

You're all talk, you are.

What do you ever do out in that yard?

I mean, all you've ever grown out there is a couple of sticks of mangy old

rhubarb and a few weeds.

Can't help weeds, my dear. Oh, you did. You were out there watering them until I

told you what they were. There was flowers in amongst them.

Dandy love.

If you were any sort of man, you'd go out there and try and make something of

that backyard.

I mean, it'd be a big help if you could grow a bit of food out there.

A bit of lettuce, a few cabbages, potato, carrot, pea,

marigold.

I can't, can I? There's a bloody oast pipe ban, isn't there?

Yeah. Well, perhaps they've got oast pipe ban in Ethiopia too.

Might be like a word.

I tried to get them to bed early so they won't know they've missed a meal.

Father's the same.

Has to be helped everywhere.

On and off to do his business.

Rubber sheets on his bed.

They're a handful, aren't they?

What leg?

The one he had off.

Oh, it was only his hip.

What, that as well?

It's a miracle what they can do these days.

If you can get in to see them, that is.

Oh, I wonder if it's worth it at their age.

Got a boss one, has he?

Yeah, I and Uncle got one. Had it for years, he has.

Swears by it. Says it's the only part of him that don't have arthritis in it.

She's talking about me.

You're talking about me.

Oh, he understands what you say then.

I'd like to be careful what I say then.

My father's gone back to being a baby.

I don't think he's ever stopped being one.

The actual feeding him.

Come on. Oh, they're a problem and no one helps you with them.

Now, it's hard to say it, but you're better off when the Lord takes them.

Always off.

Just like children, aren't they?

Well, I'll leave you to catch him then.

Oh!

Don't scream, aren't they?

Now, it's a shame for them, but you have to laugh.

You heard about Fred Johnson?

What?

His wife's run off with another woman.

Another woman?

That's the most cheerful I've seen him all day.

I told you that in Confident.

My lips are sealed.

Don't like spreading tales.

I told you, you can't keep that sort of thing a secret.

April, he told us.

Oh, well, everyone on the street will know now.

Not from me, they won't. Well, Mrs.

Johnson's gone ambidextrous, has she?

Run off with a lesbian, has she?

Where'd he run off to, lesbian?

I don't want to sit in the same company as women like that.

They won't bother you, dear.

It's become a funny old world, though, hasn't it, Alfie?

Men are it with men, women are it with women.

I'll tell you one thing, though.

If this spreads, it'll solve the population problem.

How do they perform, though?

Do you know, Alf?

What, you mean when they're... At it, yes.

haven't exactly got the sort of tackle for that sort of thing, have they?

What they do, Michael, they... They... You know...

Well, it ain't normal, you know.

Don't look at me.

It's not natural, see. I mean, in their way, I suppose, they're a bit more like

your Nancy boys.

But your Nancy boys still got his... His no -trudship.

Well,

I must say, I've had a very sheltered life and I'm no authority on the

wherewithals and whatnots and what's it that some men are supposed to be armed

with.

But from my experience, pencil stubs are better for...

It's no better equipped than what my Harry is. And Mrs Johnson, she's not

to miss nothing, is she, David?

Look, never mind what your Harry's got or ain't got, no lesbian can ever

a man.

Ah!

Oh, he's here, he's here.

On your own, then?

Yes.

Um, Mrs not with you tonight, then?

No.

Where's she gone?

She's staying with a friend.

Oh, yeah?

Girlfriend?

Yes.

Well, that's all right, then, isn't it?

She won't go after no hanky -panky.

Yeah. No, the cow.

I'm going to buy a gun. I'm going to bloody shoot her. I'm going to shoot the

pair of them. I caught her. The pair...

This bloody girl kept coming round the house, always round the house she is.

Good -looking sort of girl, always very pleasant, always very friendly, you

know.

Actually, a bit on the big side, but, you know, well -made, well -proportioned

with these big, firm... Eye -openers. Yeah, yeah. I used to come home from

there she'd be, sitting with the missus. I thought, what does she want?

She seems very keen.

Well, naturally, I thought it was me. I thought she fancied me.

Ungrateful cow!

It was the missus she fancied! She was a bloody lesbian, a whore!

attitude. She's spurred you and all you can give her turned you into a figure of

fun. I mean, how does that make him look? I mean, your wife runs off with

another man.

That said something.

She runs off with another woman. That said something else.

Oh, there's probably nothing in it. She probably just wants someone she can tell

her troubles to. I mean, that's all it is.

Troubles? What troubles? She's got a feather of clothes up and a roof over

A sassy repays him, runs off and sets up home with another woman. And is living

with her as man and wife.

Well, not man and wife exactly, but, well, lesbian.

And, and, and, and, yes.

Whatever they're doing, they're doing it together.

I'll get a gun. I'm going to buy a gun. I'm going to go round there and I'm

going to shoot them. I'm going to shoot the pair of them.

I mean, you'd be perfectly right to do it and all. And you'd get away with it,

too, in a decent civilised country.

Your church mad, she was. Religious potty. Always singing bloody hymns.

arsehole ain't fit to be Christian.

He shouldn't be allowed to be Christian. That's right.

No, nor your putters. No.

They should be banned from the church. Not allowed to parade themselves in

of the Lord. I kept her. I paid for everything. Everything she eats.

she wears.

And the other.

Eh? Your kajugles.

Don't forget about your conjugals. You paid for them too and they don't come

cheap.

She's not allowed to give your conjugal rights away to anyone else. That's the

law. They're sacrosanct to you. Yeah. I don't think I want them. Not after what

she's done with them.

Granted, no man would.

That's not the point, is it? The point is she's not allowed to give them away

anyone else. Especially not to another woman. I mean, that's grounds for

alone.

Divorce! Chuck her out without a penny.

Don't worry about that. She's not going to share half my property with a bloody

lesbian. I don't know the law on that. Never mind the law, because I'll shoot

her first.

Ah!

Oh, and the things I've done for that woman.

She was nothing when I married her. I had to step down to marry her, and now

I've given her respect, I've given her a home. But she wasn't happy.

Happy? Well, she should have been bloody happy. If she'd have had any sense,

she'd have been happy.

the yuppies. They put things in people's heads. You yuppies and you hippies.

Well, this was a respectable neighbourhood once, wasn't it? We never

lesbians or anything like that round here, not in the old days. Well, the odd

poof there may be, but that's just for the sailors in the dots, isn't it?

I say, if there's something wrong with them, something what's not normal, they

should keep it to themselves.

Dot! Lord had brought to the rest of us. But they don't see anything wrong with

it. No, because they've got no shame.

Oh, some of them think they ought to get a medal for it. I mean, well, we can't

all be perfect, can we?

But things like that should be kept undercover.

Yes, cover it up. You can't pick up a newspaper, nor turn on your telly, not

without having someone's sexual perversion stuffed down your throat.

That's your French, isn't it?

Eh? You frogs!

You bloody French!

State invented all them perversions, didn't they?

That's why your tunnel's not a good idea. I mean, he'll be creeping through

that, spreading more of your perversions, you see.

Once upon a time, it was just your sailors bought that thing in the

Quarantiner, mate. Anyone coming in this country from abroad should have to

spend six months in quarantine.

They take their dogs with them. That has to go into quarantine when it comes

back. And he's probably behaved himself a bloody side better than they have.

That's true. This was a clean and decent country once, with clean, decent people

living in it. Not any more, though. Now only...

had his font and come over here, learn a smattering of language and call himself

English and expect the same treatment as those born and bred here. And none of

them, when he passed, or history worth having, none of our culture, and expect

to live on equal terms with the rest of us. Oh, shut up!

Give your moaning, mickering mouth a rest.

I'm up to here with you and your whining. I've had it all day, from

night. It never stops.

Make me sick.

the people down as though you were something superior.

I cut his toenails, you know.

I had to put rubber gloves on. Oh, I must be mad. You should see the state of

his feet.

They're like two mouldy black puddings. They can't have seen soap and water

since his poor wife died.

Because I'm sure she would never have allowed him into her bed with feet like

that. I mean, nobody would.

And why is he so down on people with a black skin?

when his own feet are blacker than any they ever walked out of Africa.

And blackened by dirt, not sunshine, I might add.

See what I have to put up with? See what I've got to live with? Well, I've had

enough of him for one day, I have. I'm sorry, I'm going to sit somewhere else.

Oh!

I want my things.

I want my things out of that house. That is my house, and I don't want you going

in that house, nor her. Not that thing that you've run off with. Listen, if you

were a man, I'd take you outside.

And if you was a man, she might let you.

Easy on her.

Don't let her provoke you. Let her collect her things and clear off.

If you want to hang on to your house and property, play it clever.

Yeah, we don't want her soaked down the street.

Yeah, but she left me for a lesbian. Yeah, and don't let her provoke you.

She could get a court order.

She's got the law on her side. She could accuse you of brutality.

Give me that.

Hey, look, she could have you out of the house with no access.

Oh. Yeah, clear off out of it. Go on.

Bloody poo -poo. You've got to be the victim, mate.

Her, the villain.

Oh, yeah.

All right, dear, go and collect your things.

But you've changed the lot. Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, my dear. I just didn't want

people creeping in there and stealing things while I was out.

Don't antagonise her. Yeah, I meant burglars. Look, did me then...

God, I won't have to live with you anymore. Yes, so am I. Go on, just get

You chauvinistic swine. Oh, yeah.

Thank you, dear.

Well, how did I do?

Oh, you did well. Yes, let her go. Keep the house. That's the important thing.

Well, Mr Johnson, I don't hold in with lesbians, but I still say she's entitled

to half of your property.

No, nothing. It was her who left, so serve her right.

There should be longing.

There's Mabel's king.

She's living with me now, so you can have her place.

It's a squat in Poplar.

There's the address.

Goodbye.

You and your you being a victim.

Oh, you are, ain't you?

You are the victim.

And you, I heard what you said about...

lucky thing she's a woman, I'll tell you.