All language subtitles for In Sickness And In Health s06e03.eng

Now, my old darling, they've laid her
down to rest. And now I'm missing her

all we are.

But they don't give a monkey's sanity
age, is there? And they call it I'll be

pensioned for a star.

No, it won't be very long before I'm
fired.

But I'll probably starve to death,
that's what I'll do.

But richer or poorer, I'm bloody poor.
That's because it's sickness and it

us, but I'll do.

You've got an elf hospital too.

It's all right, not bleeding.

Come here.

Come here.

Bloody daft, bloody thing.

Look.

Look, stop hiding, will you?

Who are you swearing at? This bloody
time. Try to cut it, it won't let me.

I don't know.

I don't know why we...

You have to have bloody nails. I mean,
what use are they?

Well, I wouldn't want to be without
mine.

Look, I'm not talking about fingernails.
I'm talking about toenails, aren't I?

Well, what's the difference?

Oh, blimey, you'd soon see the
difference. You had these growing out

your fingers.

I wouldn't want them growing out the end
of my toes, even.

I don't know why I'd have to keep on
growing. I mean, nothing else is growing

me. Everything else has stopped growing.
I mean, why can't your bloody nails

stop growing?

Your hair stop growing? Shut up.

What do you want, anyway?

Well, I come down to see if you'd help
me hang a picture up.

Oh, Gordon Benny, look, I'm old and I'm
75 about, so I'm not a young man

anymore. You want me to risk accident
climbing up ladder hanging pictures?

No, you won't have accident. No, it's
only picture. It's been blessed.

Well, if it's been blessed, it should be
able to hang itself, shouldn't it?

Look, you help me with the picture and
I'll...

Oh, mind what you're doing. Be careful.

Where are you going?

I've got to get my rubber gloves.

You don't think I'd touch your feet with
them?

Look, they're clean.

When do you wash them last?

I bath regular.

I mean, Christmas is regular.

You know, I've always wondered what that
awful smell was in this house.

Where's that old gas mask?

We've got no gas mask.

Very funny.

Come on, lift your feet up.

You should take these feet to Lourdes
and dip them in the water.

What good will that do?

Well, it'll make them a lot cleaner.

cutting them one at a time.

Oh, Gordon Bennett, give me patience.

What do you think I'm trying to do?
That's always cutting one at a time. How

many do you cut at a time?

No, I mean, don't rush at it. It's so
bloodied.

Rush? Rush?

My rushing days are over, my dear. I
can't even bend over to cut me bleeding

toenails, can I?

Well, plan it.

Oh, plan it. Plan it. Oh, God.

At my age, I have to plan everything, my
dear.

If I'm only laying in bed, I have to
plan how I'm going to get out of it.

From sitting in a chair, I have to plan
it before I can stand up. To walk,

that's another plan.

To bend over, that's another plan.

I have to make more plans than bloody
Napoleon did when he was invading

My life is one bloody big plan, isn't
it? I have to plan things now that I

do once without even thinking about.

that for?

Well, sentimental reasons.

It looks as though it's been with you a
long time.

You can be buried together.

Get out of it.

It may not be long now anyway.

No, probably not.

Wouldn't bother you, would it? Not if
you help me hang that picture first.

Oh, well.

Yeah, I won't be short to go, I tell
you.

Nothing to hang on here for, have I?

It's not as though I've got any loved
ones, is it? That's true.

Here. You'd last a lot longer if you
helped yourself and stopped smoking that

thing. I've lasted 75 years smoking
this, my dear. Anyway, what am I saving

myself for?

Slow starvation? That's what's staring
me in the face.

Bloody government.

Don't give a stuff for old people that
don't... You're a friend for yourself,

aren't you? Oh, yeah, save the children,
save the whales, save the wildlife,

save this, save that. Nothing about save
the old, is there? No.

If I had AIDS, there'd be having bloody
concert parties for me then.

Yeah.

Bloody begging bowls in the streets.

How would you get AIDS?

Don't be facetious. Look, after the
First World War, there was hundreds and

thousands of soldiers coming back with
VD.

Your VD killed more than your German
bullets did.

But they didn't have no concert parties
for them. No, it was, get off down to

the lock hospital, you dirty bugger. And
when you got there, when they got

there, all they'd given was the umbrella
treatment.

What's that?

What's that?

Yeah. Oh, blimey.

I want to go into details, my dear.

The little thing that a closed umbrella,
see?

And I poked it inside you.

And then I opened it up inside and
pulled you out!

Ooh! Yeah, you may well ooh, my dear. It
was bloody painful, it was, too.

How do you know?

Did you...? No, I didn't. I didn't go
for that sort of thing, did I?

I've never got the chance, probably. No,
I kept myself decent, didn't I?

Anyway, that's not as serious as it is.
Oh, isn't it? Well, if you was one of

the poor buggers unlucky enough to catch
it, it was bloody serious, my dear.

If you didn't die from it, your bloody
nose fell off, didn't it?

Or other bits of you.

They didn't have to tell them to have
safe sex in them days. You couldn't have

any sex, could you?

Not with bits and pieces of you there
falling awful over the place.

Oh, men.

Oh, yeah.

And who do you think they catch it all
for?

Well, it's only a certain type of woman.
And it's only a certain type of man, my

dear.

Well, it is different to venereal
disease.

I mean, venereal disease was a dirty,
disgusting disease.

Decent, respectable people can catch
AIDS. Oh, yeah? And what do you think

decent, respectable people was getting
up to to catch AIDS, eh?

Yeah, well, it's not always their fault.

Well, whose fault is it, then?

Rock Hudson caught AIDS and there was
nothing wrong with him.

Except he caught AIDS, my dear. It's not
like catching a cold, you know.

No, I mean, it's just my trouble.

If I was foreign, they'd care for me
then, all right.

Who would? All the bloody caring people.

If I had a black face... To match your
black feet? Shut up.

If I had a black face, my dear, if I was
an Ethiopian, a Bangladeshi, Indian

even, they'd care then if I didn't have
enough to eat.

Listen, those poor people you're talking
about are starving. I'm starving, but

nobody's getting up concerts for me, are
they?

All right, they're hungry, but so am I
hungry.

Oh, blimey. And I'm cold too, which they
are not. They don't have to worry about

gas or electric or the price of bloody
water.

Thank God they're water.

No, neither will we have soon. The price
of charging is high.

Yes, but those people are facing
starvation.

Well, we're facing starvation.

What do you think we've got in the
bloody larder here?

Yeah, but theirs is a famine.

Ours is a famine. We've got famine in
this house, haven't we? What have we had

to eat today, eh? And what are we going
to have to eat tomorrow?

There's no helicopters whizzing over
this house delivering food, is there?

Look, my dear, I know, I know it's hard
for them. It's hard for everybody in

this world.

What they've got to do, they've got to
learn to grow things out there.

I don't know why they don't move.

They never make a guy that place out
there. I mean, it's no good sitting

about it.

Do what Norman Tebbit says.

Get on your bike.

I mean, if farming's not what you're cut
out for, if you ain't got green

fingers, all right, find another sort of
job you can do. Anyway, it's all sand

out there, isn't it? Nothing will grow
in sand except bloody seaweed.

Look, I've got nothing against your
Ethiopians. I mean, it's not their fault

they're Ethiopians, is it?

They didn't ask to be born Ethiopians. I
know that.

And you can't choose your land or your
parents, can you? I know that.

I mean, you don't blame a donkey because
he's not a racehorse, do you?

You don't beat it. It's not his fault
he's a donkey. He didn't ask to be made

donkey, did he? It is what it is, and
you can't change that. So show a bit of

sympathy, that's what I'm saying.

Give him a nice little cart to pull so
he won't feel unwanted.

Well, that is the Christian thing to do,
isn't it?

Oh, mind what you're bloody well doing!

Take your foot down.

And even the Irish can grow potatoes.

So could you under these toenails.

You're all talk, you are.

What do you ever do out in that yard?

I mean, all you've ever grown out there
is a couple of sticks of mangy old

rhubarb and a few weeds.

Can't help weeds, my dear. Oh, you did.
You were out there watering them until I

told you what they were. There was
flowers in amongst them.

Dandy love.

If you were any sort of man, you'd go
out there and try and make something of

that backyard.

I mean, it'd be a big help if you could
grow a bit of food out there.

A bit of lettuce, a few cabbages,
potato, carrot, pea,

marigold.

I can't, can I? There's a bloody oast
pipe ban, isn't there?

Yeah. Well, perhaps they've got oast
pipe ban in Ethiopia too.

Might be like a word.

I tried to get them to bed early so they
won't know they've missed a meal.

Father's the same.

Has to be helped everywhere.

On and off to do his business.

Rubber sheets on his bed.

They're a handful, aren't they?

What leg?

The one he had off.

Oh, it was only his hip.

What, that as well?

It's a miracle what they can do these
days.

If you can get in to see them, that is.

Oh, I wonder if it's worth it at their
age.

Got a boss one, has he?

Yeah, I and Uncle got one. Had it for
years, he has.

Swears by it. Says it's the only part of
him that don't have arthritis in it.

She's talking about me.

You're talking about me.

Oh, he understands what you say then.

I'd like to be careful what I say then.

My father's gone back to being a baby.

I don't think he's ever stopped being
one.

The actual feeding him.

Come on. Oh, they're a problem and no
one helps you with them.

Now, it's hard to say it, but you're
better off when the Lord takes them.

Always off.

Just like children, aren't they?

Well, I'll leave you to catch him then.

Oh!

Don't scream, aren't they?

Now, it's a shame for them, but you have
to laugh.

You heard about Fred Johnson?

What?

His wife's run off with another woman.

Another woman?

That's the most cheerful I've seen him
all day.

I told you that in Confident.

My lips are sealed.

Don't like spreading tales.

I told you, you can't keep that sort of
thing a secret.

April, he told us.

Oh, well, everyone on the street will
know now.

Not from me, they won't. Well, Mrs.

Johnson's gone ambidextrous, has she?

Run off with a lesbian, has she?

Where'd he run off to, lesbian?

I don't want to sit in the same company
as women like that.

They won't bother you, dear.

It's become a funny old world, though,
hasn't it, Alfie?

Men are it with men, women are it with
women.

I'll tell you one thing, though.

If this spreads, it'll solve the
population problem.

How do they perform, though?

Do you know, Alf?

What, you mean when they're... At it,
yes.

haven't exactly got the sort of tackle
for that sort of thing, have they?

What they do, Michael, they... They...
You know...

Well, it ain't normal, you know.

Don't look at me.

It's not natural, see. I mean, in their
way, I suppose, they're a bit more like

your Nancy boys.

But your Nancy boys still got his... His
no -trudship.

Well,

I must say, I've had a very sheltered
life and I'm no authority on the

wherewithals and whatnots and what's it
that some men are supposed to be armed

with.

But from my experience, pencil stubs are
better for...

It's no better equipped than what my
Harry is. And Mrs Johnson, she's not

to miss nothing, is she, David?

Look, never mind what your Harry's got
or ain't got, no lesbian can ever

a man.

Ah!

Oh, he's here, he's here.

On your own, then?

Yes.

Um, Mrs not with you tonight, then?

No.

Where's she gone?

She's staying with a friend.

Oh, yeah?

Girlfriend?

Yes.

Well, that's all right, then, isn't it?

She won't go after no hanky -panky.

Yeah. No, the cow.

I'm going to buy a gun. I'm going to
bloody shoot her. I'm going to shoot the

pair of them. I caught her. The pair...

This bloody girl kept coming round the
house, always round the house she is.

Good -looking sort of girl, always very
pleasant, always very friendly, you

know.

Actually, a bit on the big side, but,
you know, well -made, well -proportioned

with these big, firm... Eye -openers.
Yeah, yeah. I used to come home from

there she'd be, sitting with the missus.
I thought, what does she want?

She seems very keen.

Well, naturally, I thought it was me. I
thought she fancied me.

Ungrateful cow!

It was the missus she fancied! She was a
bloody lesbian, a whore!

attitude. She's spurred you and all you
can give her turned you into a figure of

fun. I mean, how does that make him
look? I mean, your wife runs off with

another man.

That said something.

She runs off with another woman. That
said something else.

Oh, there's probably nothing in it. She
probably just wants someone she can tell

her troubles to. I mean, that's all it
is.

Troubles? What troubles? She's got a
feather of clothes up and a roof over

A sassy repays him, runs off and sets up
home with another woman. And is living

with her as man and wife.

Well, not man and wife exactly, but,
well, lesbian.

And, and, and, and, yes.

Whatever they're doing, they're doing it
together.

I'll get a gun. I'm going to buy a gun.
I'm going to go round there and I'm

going to shoot them. I'm going to shoot
the pair of them.

I mean, you'd be perfectly right to do
it and all. And you'd get away with it,

too, in a decent civilised country.

Your church mad, she was. Religious
potty. Always singing bloody hymns.

arsehole ain't fit to be Christian.

He shouldn't be allowed to be Christian.
That's right.

No, nor your putters. No.

They should be banned from the church.
Not allowed to parade themselves in

of the Lord. I kept her. I paid for
everything. Everything she eats.

she wears.

And the other.

Eh? Your kajugles.

Don't forget about your conjugals. You
paid for them too and they don't come

cheap.

She's not allowed to give your conjugal
rights away to anyone else. That's the

law. They're sacrosanct to you. Yeah. I
don't think I want them. Not after what

she's done with them.

Granted, no man would.

That's not the point, is it? The point
is she's not allowed to give them away

anyone else. Especially not to another
woman. I mean, that's grounds for

alone.

Divorce! Chuck her out without a penny.

Don't worry about that. She's not going
to share half my property with a bloody

lesbian. I don't know the law on that.
Never mind the law, because I'll shoot

her first.

Ah!

Oh, and the things I've done for that
woman.

She was nothing when I married her. I
had to step down to marry her, and now

I've given her respect, I've given her a
home. But she wasn't happy.

Happy? Well, she should have been bloody
happy. If she'd have had any sense,

she'd have been happy.

the yuppies. They put things in people's
heads. You yuppies and you hippies.

Well, this was a respectable
neighbourhood once, wasn't it? We never

lesbians or anything like that round
here, not in the old days. Well, the odd

poof there may be, but that's just for
the sailors in the dots, isn't it?

I say, if there's something wrong with
them, something what's not normal, they

should keep it to themselves.

Dot! Lord had brought to the rest of us.
But they don't see anything wrong with

it. No, because they've got no shame.

Oh, some of them think they ought to get
a medal for it. I mean, well, we can't

all be perfect, can we?

But things like that should be kept
undercover.

Yes, cover it up. You can't pick up a
newspaper, nor turn on your telly, not

without having someone's sexual
perversion stuffed down your throat.

That's your French, isn't it?

Eh? You frogs!

You bloody French!

State invented all them perversions,
didn't they?

That's why your tunnel's not a good
idea. I mean, he'll be creeping through

that, spreading more of your
perversions, you see.

Once upon a time, it was just your
sailors bought that thing in the

Quarantiner, mate. Anyone coming in this
country from abroad should have to

spend six months in quarantine.

They take their dogs with them. That has
to go into quarantine when it comes

back. And he's probably behaved himself
a bloody side better than they have.

That's true. This was a clean and decent
country once, with clean, decent people

living in it. Not any more, though. Now
only...

had his font and come over here, learn a
smattering of language and call himself

English and expect the same treatment as
those born and bred here. And none of

them, when he passed, or history worth
having, none of our culture, and expect

to live on equal terms with the rest of
us. Oh, shut up!

Give your moaning, mickering mouth a
rest.

I'm up to here with you and your
whining. I've had it all day, from

night. It never stops.

Make me sick.

the people down as though you were
something superior.

I cut his toenails, you know.

I had to put rubber gloves on. Oh, I
must be mad. You should see the state of

his feet.

They're like two mouldy black puddings.
They can't have seen soap and water

since his poor wife died.

Because I'm sure she would never have
allowed him into her bed with feet like

that. I mean, nobody would.

And why is he so down on people with a
black skin?

when his own feet are blacker than any
they ever walked out of Africa.

And blackened by dirt, not sunshine, I
might add.

See what I have to put up with? See what
I've got to live with? Well, I've had

enough of him for one day, I have. I'm
sorry, I'm going to sit somewhere else.

Oh!

I want my things.

I want my things out of that house. That
is my house, and I don't want you going

in that house, nor her. Not that thing
that you've run off with. Listen, if you

were a man, I'd take you outside.

And if you was a man, she might let you.

Easy on her.

Don't let her provoke you. Let her
collect her things and clear off.

If you want to hang on to your house and
property, play it clever.

Yeah, we don't want her soaked down the
street.

Yeah, but she left me for a lesbian.
Yeah, and don't let her provoke you.

She could get a court order.

She's got the law on her side. She could
accuse you of brutality.

Give me that.

Hey, look, she could have you out of the
house with no access.

Oh. Yeah, clear off out of it. Go on.

Bloody poo -poo. You've got to be the
victim, mate.

Her, the villain.

Oh, yeah.

All right, dear, go and collect your
things.

But you've changed the lot. Oh, yeah,
I'm sorry, my dear. I just didn't want

people creeping in there and stealing
things while I was out.

Don't antagonise her. Yeah, I meant
burglars. Look, did me then...

God, I won't have to live with you
anymore. Yes, so am I. Go on, just get

You chauvinistic swine. Oh, yeah.

Thank you, dear.

Well, how did I do?

Oh, you did well. Yes, let her go. Keep
the house. That's the important thing.

Well, Mr Johnson, I don't hold in with
lesbians, but I still say she's entitled

to half of your property.

No, nothing. It was her who left, so
serve her right.

There should be longing.

There's Mabel's king.

She's living with me now, so you can
have her place.

It's a squat in Poplar.

There's the address.

Goodbye.

You and your you being a victim.

Oh, you are, ain't you?

You are the victim.

And you, I heard what you said about...

lucky thing she's a woman, I'll tell
you.

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