Original subtitles

Now, my old darling, they've laid her down to rest, and now I'm missing her

all we are.

But they don't give a monkey's down to the age of death, and they're calling

me pension for a start.

No, it won't be very long before I'm pierside, but I'll probably starve to

death, that's what I'll do.

But richer or poorer, I'm bloody poor, that's the fact, just because in

and in health, but I'll do.

It's coming.

It's coming.

I've done it, I think.

You sure?

Can't believe it.

You calling me a liar?

Have you done it properly?

You'd be surprised what I can do.

Oh, more than surprised.

I never met a man more useless.

Oh, yeah?

Let's reduce that.

You wouldn't give me credit for nothing, you wouldn't. If I was able to walk on

the moon, not even if you saw it, you wouldn't give credit.

You walk on the moon?

I said if I was able.

Walk on the moon? Who do you think would let you walk on the moon?

No one in their right mind would let you walk on the moon.

What's so special about walking on the moon? I couldn't do it, eh?

I mean, I know I have got a bad leg.

Shouldn't have to do that much walking, by rights.

But if I can walk about down here with uneven paving stones, what, the bloody

council won't do nothing about it?

And flimmy great piles in the road which you can break your neck falling over, I

don't see no reason why I shouldn't be able to walk on the moon. If I wanted

which I don't.

You're not qualified.

I don't need to be qualified. Yes, you do.

Not for walking, I don't.

Well, will you shut up?

I'm trying to un -bung this bloody secret you've blocked up, you silly

puddin'. You would think, wouldn't you, eh?

You'd think that all their brains, all their technological know -how, that

they'd be able to make a bloody secret that don't give self blocked up,

you? Really?

Really, that bloody thing?

The thing, the thing, the steel, what do you call it? The steel.

The steel. Where's the bloody steel?

Oh, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,

I mean,

They're spending millions so they can have a walk about on the moon. Why don't

they make a train that don't grind to halt the minute a bloody snowflake

or a bloody leaf falls on the bloody train, mate?

They're so

clever,

all you bloody moonwalkers.

Why don't they do something about the water shortage, eh?

We've got miles and miles of bloody water.

As far as the eye can see, bloody oceans all around us. But you can't use your

bloody hoes. You can't wash your car.

You haven't got a car. You can't walk in a garden. You haven't got a garden. I

ain't got a bloody hoes pipe neither.

There's nothing to steal. Where's it gone?

Is that it?

You! You!

Get out of my way. Let me get on with my work.

Oh, dear.

I shouldn't have to do jobs like this.

Not at my age.

Not with it like mine. But don't expect no sympathy off of her, no. You won't

get a thank you off of her, even.

It's your sink. It's our sink.

But use more for you.

Only because I do all the washing up. Oh, yeah, I thought it'd be an excuse.

Wouldn't be you if there wasn't.

I told you to get a plumber.

Get a plumber? Yeah.

How do you think we're going to pay for a bloody plumber?

They want 30 quid just to get off their arse and come out and look at a bloody

job.

I'll raise a bank loan before you can get a bleeding plumber.

Tell the council it's their house. Tell the council? Yeah. Tell the council, my

dear. Oh, yes.

And what do you think the council are going to say when they see this? Hey,

look. Look.

Little bits of toast.

Tealings. Look at that. Look. Egg shells.

Grease. And... Look here.

Look here.

Didn't come from me, did it? I bet you wish it did.

shells, you must have poked them down there to get them down there. It's a

you wasn't a bit better brought up.

Oh!

Oh.

Jesus makes you the way you are.

You're so resentful.

So ready to pick holes in everything.

I may not be the cleverest man in the world. Oh, I agree with that.

But I am what I am.

Unfortunately.

Oh, that knocking.

Suppose you are.

Bloody women.

Bloody Adam.

If he'd have pulled his finger out and learnt to do a bit for himself in the

Garden of Eden, the good Lord need never have made women.

And he could have stayed the Garden of Eden.

It's Michael.

Oh, bloody hell, what does he want?

Tell him I'm out.

You tell him.

No, I was saying, start to do a bloody job.

And then people come knocking on your door expecting to be entertained.

He can't sit in his own house, can he? Because his missus won't let him. So he

comes creeping round here.

I don't want him round here. What a bloody nuisance of himself.

I'm too easy put upon. That's my trouble.

People take advantage of me. I mean, you show a bit of kindness, show a bit of

charity, and next thing you know, they're bloody well demanding it.

Is he still standing there on the doorstep? No.

Good. Let him go and bugger off and pester somebody else.

Sure, Paul.

You're always making him cups of tea just because he's bloody Irish. I mean,

wouldn't mind.

I wouldn't mind if he would chip in a bit sometimes, but... I wouldn't accept

it, of course, but... I mean, he never even puts a penny under the... under

the saucer there.

If Michael calls round...

Ask him in. Make him a cup of tea.

What do you need? Is a coat hanger out?

Michael, is that you, Michael? Yeah.

I didn't know you was here.

I thought I'd come round and give you a hand. Oh, yeah?

How do you know what I was doing?

Well, if you can't help a friend.

You know what I mean?

I can't help much, though.

Not with my back.

I'm not allowed to bend with it.

I can hand you things, though.

Well, you can hand me that screwdriver for a start.

I won't be able to stoop, though.

Oh, that's all right. Mrs. Oliver will do the stooping for you, won't she?

You see, Michael here is BWR.

British Workman Retired. Isn't that right, Michael?

He always had a mate, the British Workman, didn't he?

See, you had your plumbers' mate, your carpenters' mate, your boiler makers'

mate. He had to have a mate.

Couldn't do his job properly unless he had a mate, you see.

His mate was his aimder. Aim me this and aim me that.

Never let one man do a job when two can do it instead.

Isn't that right?

First rule of British industry. Right, Michael?

Noddy clever.

I still say what you need is a coat hanger.

You'll never ever get a screwdriver around a U -band.

It's what kind of coat hanger you want.

I've already took the U -bend off and I need the screwdriver, mate, so I can dig

the bloody muck out that she's put down the sink.

Hey, get on to there and give me a hunt, shall I?

I've not heard the bent, my back is... Well, it should be finished the time he

spent under there. I mean, he's been all morning trying to unblock that sink.

The sink is already unblocked. All right, well, get out my way and let me

on.

Well... It won't be much, but you're welcome.

Well... It's not too much trouble.

No, no.

Don't your missus cook then, Michael?

Not till tonight.

Have to eat another dinner then, will you? Well, it's hard to manage a hot

dinner every day on the old age pension.

Yeah, you're right, especially with extra mouth to feed.

It's just the two of us, you see.

Oh, you mean you don't have guests dropping in unexpectedly, wanting to

your dinner?

No, the wife's not a social woman, you'll like it.

Oh, this is very nice.

Very unexpected.

Well, like I said, it's not much. I mean, it's a struggle to get anything

days. Yeah, on a pension, I know. I was just saying, Alf, it's getting harder.

It was just a bit of cold meat and a bit of time. We was... Saving for our

supper.

Oh, I'm not doing you out of anything.

I mean, you won't have to go without that. No, no. You expect me to eat this

with my fingers?

What? Oh!

Oh!

Sorry, Al.

just thinking of you.

Don't worry about us, Michael. You're our guest.

Almost family, you are.

I'll tell you what, I put a bed up in the spare room. You can move in

altogether. Now, that would be a bit awkward, Alf. I mean, that spare room,

a bit pokey, you know.

Now, you, if you were to move into that room, you know, I couldn't

live here.

Not here, Alf, no.

Not without... Mischief out there in my mind.

Not with the lovely Mrs Hollenberry living upstairs.

I'd have to be up there, my apples and pears, like a steeplejack, back or no

back. Now, Michael... Mind you, you shouldn't let that spare room hold a

You'd get a good rent for that.

No, I sort of prefer my privacy. You know what I mean, Michael?

You know, I sort of like to be able to sit, enjoy a bit of privacy on my own,

my own home, without other people popping in and out all the time. Yeah, I

what you mean.

An Englishman's home is his castle.

It's not much, but it's your own.

Castle. More like the elephant in castle.

Somewhere you can sit and just be yourself.

Just like your Mrs. Ape, a bit antisocial. So you sit down on your own,

meal in private, without having to share it with every Tom, Dick or Mick who

comes knocking on the front door.

Does anybody want that other bit of bread?

You want to leave a bit of room for your pudding, don't you, Michael?

Oh, I've always got room for that.

Pudding, is it?

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

Oh, but I've got a bit of cake out there.

That's for our tea.

Well, we could eat it now, I suppose. I mean, it is a bit stale. Stale?

Everything in this house is stale.

Everything we eat is stale. The bloody bread, look at it. Never mind, it has to

be eaten. We can't afford to waste things. I know that.

Can't afford to throw things away just because they're stale. I know that.

But, I mean, you save things that are new and fresh until they are. old and

stale.

I'm sorry, but we cannot afford to eat the new until the old is gone.

Yeah, but that way all we ever eat is old and stale.

Can't we start again with new and try and keep up?

I'd like a bit of steel cake now and then. You would.

Bloody hell!

He's always parking out there.

I put a nose out there, no parking.

Can't he bloody read?

That's a car burglar alarm.

I know what it is.

Somebody's trying to steal that car.

There's no one out there.

No, it's a false alarm.

You've only got to breathe on them things that go off.

Same down the high street. The bloody burglar alarms are going off night and

down there. Nobody bothers to turn them off.

I've never seen a burglar down there. I've never seen a bloody copper down

there, neither.

Now they're putting them on cars, driving everybody mad.

Well, I'll stop these bloody round.

I'll put a stop to him.

Shame to waste it, eh?

I think you'll find it's only the police can put signs up like that.

Oh, yeah, there's a season's charter, mate. I have got rights under your

season's charter. Yeah, it's bloody annoying noise, that thing, mate. So

should be a law against them.

That is disturbing the peace. That's what that is.

That's right, that's it. And as a season, under my charter, I am entitled

protect. Stop it. Stop it, bloody noise.

You can't stop it.

Don't you worry about bloody wintering.

He won't park outside my house again in a hurry.

I'll tell you.

All righty.

He won't park here again in a hurry.

Mind you, he's going to be parked here a bit longer than he expected.

I'll give him bloody bird's alarm.

I'll teach him to...

The man whose tyres he let down.

Ooh, he's a big, rough -looking man.

We announce a big man!

He's turned his burglar alarm off. Now he's getting in his car.

did when you had that armour he's talking to people out there he's talking

Johnson he's pointing to this house Mr Johnson is pointing

to this house he's telling him he's telling

Perfectly within your rights, like you said. Shall I let him in?

I'd go out there if I were you, Alf.

You tell him, Rick.

Look, he had never broke his windscreen.

He knows we're in here.

He's no right banging like that. You go out there and tell him. You face up to

him. You put an old Parkinson out there which he refuses to read.

Knocked loud.

I wouldn't stand for that. If that was my door, I'd be out there.

You tell him, every time he parks there and defines that you're no parker,

notice, you let him park down. And if he doesn't like it, he can face the

consequences. How am I going to let him in?

I'll tell him.

Never worry about his size, Alf. You know what they say. The bigger they are,

the harder they fall. That's if there's a gentleman to see you, Mr Garnet.

Michael.

Michael.

Tell him I'm not in.

He says he's not in.

Oh, really?

Will you tell him either he comes out here or I'll come in there?

Oh, Mr Garnet, look, you'd better talk to the man.

Look, tell him.

Tell him I'm warning him. He don't go away. Oh, you're what?

I'll call the police.

Come out here. I want to talk to you. You don't frighten me, mate. Come out

here. You come in here. You come out here.

You come in here. You come out here. You come in here. You come out here. You

come out here. What's going on here?

You see me? You see me? You're threatening me.

He let my tyres down.

Come on, outside.

Yeah, go on, outside.

Go ahead.

Go ahead. Get out of this house. Get out of this house before I... Oh, that's

enough of that.

Come on, outside.

And you.

Come on, get out.

The sign says no parking. Look, the sign says...

This is a public highway and I've got a right to park. I pay no tax. I've got

rights, mate. I've got rights. And your season's chart, I've got rights.

It's not just for you, mate. It's for all of us. Did you let his tyres down?

Yeah.

You have no right to do that.

says... No matter what the sign says, you've molested his vehicle. Right. But

he's always parking out here. He parks out here as if it was his own house.

Never mind that. Never mind that.

His bug alarm was going to drive everybody bloody mad. He's molesting my

He's molesting my peace and quiet here.

Have you got a pump?

Yes. Well, get your pump and this gentleman will pump your tyres back up

Right. That's fair.

He'll let the matter rest.

Shut up, you.

Give us a year.

Would you gentlemen like a cup of tea?

I suppose. Yeah, well, it wouldn't be broken if it wasn't the cars.

They're up and down this road like bloody brownsacks they are.

Well, that's what roads are for, to be used.

Well, why do they have to use our road? There's other roads.

It's because we're a shortcut, that's why.

Where are we a shortcut to? I don't know, but we are a bloody shortcut.

We should be a no entry, that's what we should be. None of them cars live down

this road.

Three people, that's all I know, has got cars down this street. Probably so.

Well, that's what I'm talking about, this end. Not down that end.

I'm not talking about down that end.

No, they nearly all got cars down that end.

Bloody yuppies.

They're so much pushing the rents up.

These houses were five bob a week rent once.

I could afford to own in them days. Not now, though. Not these days.

They say it's us who are lowering their land values.

Quite nasty, one of them was.

Said we was eyesore.

Said the council ought to paint us up or move us out. Oh, bloody youth.

They've been in the world ten minutes to think they own the place. We was here

before then.

Anyway, if it wasn't for us lowering the land values, none of them would be able

to afford to buy their houses so cheap in the first place.

It's them what's ruining the housing market.

Oh, I don't know, Dunham up knives.

I mean, quite posh, some of them.

Yeah, they're so posh, none of us can afford to live in them no more.

If your Winston wanted to rent my spare room now, he couldn't afford it.

and the rent in that room again?

Well, it's crossed my mind.

See, I reckon I could get more rent for that one room in there than we pay up

for the whole house, but you've got to be careful.

I mean, they talk about, you know, enterprise, staying on your own two

You try and take advantage of a situation and ba -boom, one whisper and

council are down. You're like a ton of bricks.

Bloody noise!

It's a water pipe, I think. Yeah, last time it was the gas, then it's the

electric. I mean, I pay my poll tax. I'm entitled to noise -free days.

You're not the only one who pays his poll tax. I never said I was.

They've got to dig somewhere.

Oh, there's plenty down this road that ain't paid their poll tax. Let them go

and dig outside their houses.

Well, some of them can't afford to pay their poll tax.

I can't afford to pay my poll tax. What do you want to do, lock them all up?

Well, do something with them.

Because they don't pay their poll tax, we've got to pay it for them, so it

seems.

And it's going to be added on to ours.

Next thing you know, it'll be, oh, he can't pay his gas bill. Let next door

it for him. Oh, she can't pay her milk bill. Let next door pay it for him.

Daft. If they can't pay, turn it off.

Well, you want to turn their poll tax off?

No funny guts.

Stop them using the services.

Lock them up.

Not in prisons. No need to build new prisons for them.

Lock them up in our own houses.

Turn everything off.

Nail them in.

Pull them up.

If the house catches fire, sod them, let it burn.

Is that part of the rest of the street?

No, I feel sorry for them.

Especially the young one.

And it was your awful rotten Tory party what brought the poll tax in.

No, I feel sorry for the youth of today.

We never had the awful problems they've got.

Problems? What problems?

Well, every time you turn that telly on, if you go by that, half of them is

turning homosexual,

half is a blood addict, and the other half is dying of AIDS.

Yeah, well, they pamper them too much, you ask me.

I'm not talking to you.

the workmen are gone, I think.

Oh, have they?

Well, I'll teach them a lesson.

I'll teach them to dig bloody holes outside of my house.

What are you going to do? Let their tyres down?

Get out of the way!

What's he doing?

He gone mad?

He's been like it for years.

I warned him.

I told him not to dig outside of my house.

And now I'm teaching him a lesson.

Here come the workmen back.

We're finished.

We just went to get a cup of tea before we filled it in.

Thank you very much.

So it won't be very long before I find a sign. But I'll probably start to death,

that's what I'll do.