Original subtitles

Now, my old darling, they've laid her down to rest. And now I'm missing her

all me heart.

But they don't give a monkey's down at the age of six.

And they call it I'll be pension for a star.

So it won't be very long before I'm tired.

But I'll probably starve to death, that's what I'll do.

But richer or poorer, I'm bloody poor. That's because in sickness and in

that's what I'll do.

Mr.

Garnet? Ah, you've come for religious instruction.

That's right.

Yeah. I married Mrs.

Olinbury. I'm Church of England and she's... Roman Catholic, yes. Yeah. I

just looking at them.

Yeah, the depictions of the cross.

That's our Lord and his way to Calvary.

They'd give him a hard time, didn't they?

I tell you, if I was God and that was the son of mine they'd treat you like

that, I'd have given him a hard time, I tell you.

Wouldn't have got away with that if I was God and I was his father.

And where was his mates? The ancient form of apostles. Looked like they'd

They're nowhere to be seen, are they? Not in them pictures. Shall we go over

here?

What's this?

That's the confessional box.

Them pictures you've got there, they're not painted from real life, are they?

No, no, no, they're artistic impressions.

Yeah, well, I'll be honest with you, Father, I'm not much of an expert on art

myself, but I'm sure... It's... I

mean, the way they painted that land, I mean, they look a bit like you imagine

a son of God to look.

Oh, Tom.

Long hair, hippie shirt.

I'm sure his father wouldn't send him out looking like that. I mean, I

send a son of mine out looking like that.

It was the costume of the day.

As tradition, all priests still wear the cassock.

You know what?

I can't believe that God would go around looking like that. I mean, not a man in

his position.

What do you suppose he'd wear? A bowler hat?

Well, I'd be very surprised to see him walking about in a nightshirt with long

hair. Well, how would you imagine, God?

What if he sort of made a personal appearance, like outside

a parliament or up on a balcony at Buckhouse? Well, I don't know, I mean, a

bit like Winston Churchill, I suppose, you know? Big cigar.

I'm not looking like a bloody Hare Krishna, that's for sure.

Excuse the language, Father.

You get a lot of sinners in here, do you?

Well, I suppose we have our share.

You give them hard time, do you?

What's she done, the old lady there? I mean, she's been on her knees since I've

come in here.

I believe you've come to see me about your marriage to Mrs Hollingbury.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Well, see, the thing is, I'm Church of England, see,

and... Well, I don't know much about you or not.

I thought, you know, if you could give

us a bit of instruction, you know, so -so I know when to kneel down, when to

stand up, and when it's all right to sit down again, so... Oh, sorry.

You know, and when to take me out of.

Well, there's a bit more to it than that.

What I would say to you in this situation...

One of you is a Protestant, one is a Catholic.

And you've both got to encourage one another in your own respective

Yeah, but... See, what I want to know, Father, is when we get up there to

heaven, me and Mrs. Ollenberry, do I go into the Protestant heaven and does she

have to go into the Catholic heaven? And are they far away? You know, like for

visiting, that sort of thing.

You know, not too far for a day out to see her, like.

You both go into the same heaven.

Oh.

Well, look, do I have to join up with my first wife when I die, or do I have to

join up with Mrs. Olinbury?

That's a good point.

No, it worries me.

What I would say to you is this.

The wife who had seven husbands, and the question put to our Lord was, well, at

the resurrection, whose wife was she going to be?

And our Lord's answer is, ah, in the heavens, there is no marriage.

You mean they're all living in sin up there?

I don't know about that. I mean, I've never lived in sin down here.

I mean, what about, you know, reproduction?

I mean, don't they do any of it up there?

No, no, no.

No, I've never been all that enthusiastic about myself down here.

And what about...

I mean, what age are you up there? I mean, if you go up there young, do you

young? And if you're old when you get up there, do you stay old? And what

happens if you meet your mum and dad? I mean, are they the same age as you? Yes,

it doesn't matter.

You become an immortal soul.

Yeah, but, see, this immortal soul, has he got a face?

That must have, eh? Because otherwise you wouldn't know each other, would you?

Well, that's what you look like.

The answer is...

The concept of heaven is perfect beatitude, perfect happiness.

Well, how are you going to be perfectly happy?

Well, that's easy. I mean, if West Ham did the double, I'm winning the European

Cup. And I've got plenty of booze to celebrate it.

No, no, we've to go back to the theological side of it.

Now, if you're going to be perfectly happy, it's going to be you at your most

perfect.

Whatever that was.

Very hard to say.

Modern biology will tell you.

Genetic.

We have got tremendous potential, which has never been fulfilled in this life,

never.

Now, in this splendid state of perfection, which is heaven, you could

anything.

Einstein, the great mathematician.

Van Gogh, the great painter.

Mozart, the great musician.

I'd like to be Alf Garnett, the great centre -fall for West Ham and England.

Mrs Ollenberry.

So she should, the way she treats me.

Stag night tonight, Alf. Last night of freedom, eh?

I don't know why you want to go all through it again.

Oh, I can hold my own with any woman, don't you worry.

Yeah. Not once you've put that ring on her finger, you can't.

Once upon a time, Mr Garnet, that ring would be a symbol that she belonged to

you. Now it means you belong to her. She might as well put it through your nose.

No, look, with my last wife, my house, God bless her, as soon as she heard

my key in the door, she dropped whatever she was doing and placed my dinner on

the table and she wouldn't speak.

through a word, not until I've finished. And then I need to ask me if I've had

enough. And do you expect Mrs. Ollenberry to do that?

I need looking after her, don't I?

I need a housekeeper. And where am I, Arthur?

Old age pensioner, going to find a housekeeper for as cheap as a wife will

eh? Housekeeper?

Might as well housekeeper.

Or like a bloody landlady.

Eight o 'clock in the morning, breakfast.

Ten minutes past eight.

Off. One o 'clock, dinner.

Ten minutes past one, no more service.

The kitchens are then closed for the rest of the day.

If it wasn't for that coffee stall round the corner, I would have died of

malnutrition by now.

Why don't you put your dinner in the oven for us? You're going to be late.

You're joking.

Put my dinner in the oven?

The only time she'll burn gas for me is when my head was in the oven.

It's worse than being in lodgings.

Seaside lodgings.

I am out on the streets more than the homeless.

I'm thinking of getting myself a cardboard box.

It needs to be a place of my own.

Someone to come home to.

I won't have to be in by ten o 'clock every night.

But what about tonight, Alf? It's a stag do.

I'll put you in for a late night pass.

Look, I thought we were at prison.

Huh? There.

There you are.

Well, what do you reckon? It's good, isn't it? Right?

How much do you think that cost?

Go on, have a guess.

As you know.

I saw the bloke selling them down the market.

You were there for Mrs. Olinbury, did you?

Yeah. It's a wedding present. I mean, and the ring.

Yeah. Well, if I was you, I'd keep them wrapped up.

Oh, yeah, I see what you mean. She's out of sight.

Don't want any colour felt, eh?

What I mean is if you get a bit of humility on them, they're going to turn

green. Who are you talking about? That's gold.

Gold? Hey, where are you from?

Where do you think you're going to buy gold in London for five pounds?

It's just his spiel. Tell him it's stolen. Every honest citizen will rush

it. Of course.

Hey, here, listen.

Are you going to marry Mrs. Olinbury with that ring?

That's all right, that's all right. I mean, look, I bought you this gold,

I?

She don't know much about gold anyway, does she? I mean, she ain't seen that

much gold.

Anyway, it's the footwork counts.

Oh, Mr Garnett?

What?

Here's a little wedding present.

Oh, tell.

It's not much.

Oh, very nice.

Well,

it ain't much, is it?

Somebody comes to dinner. Oh, yes.

Alf, it's a fork what counts.

Yeah, well, not much fork on his face, dear.

Here, we do have afters in our house, too, you know.

A lot of thought went into that, Alf.

Cheap, nasty, small present.

We all club together.

Get you a decent set of cutlery.

Well, bloody hell, we've got knives and forks. It's going to be a nice gift.

What do you think we eat with now, fingers?

I said you wouldn't get much thanks for it. Look at that. Look at that. I mean,

there's only two of us, you know.

Why is this rubbish?

We do.

Oh, it costs you jewellery, it's not bad. I mean, five pounds for six chains,

bangle and a ring.

Oh, yes.

As long as people aren't taken in by it. Think it's gold.

Oh, come on.

Now, what kind of daft fool would think you could buy six gold chains, a gold

bangle and a gold ring for five pounds?

Oh, you'd be surprised.

They say there's one born every minute.

I think it's more than that round here. Yeah.

Isn't it nice for the wedding, though? I mean, all three of us wearing them.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it will. It will.

Bride, maid of honour, bridesmaid. Oh, yeah.

Here. But not them rings, though.

No. Look.

Just shows you how thick you've got to be if you're taken in by this rubbish.

Here, watch.

Oh!

I know.

I know, gold is supposed to be soft.

No, soft to some people.

I bet you're looking forward to it now, aren't you?

Well, yes, in a way, I suppose.

And no second thoughts?

Oh, I've had more than second thoughts, don't you worry.

Well, I was surprised, I must say, when I heard that you were going to marry

him. I mean, Mr Garnet, of all people.

Oh, well, yeah.

I know I can't talk, being married to my Harry.

I mean, he's no catch.

Sort of thing you'd throw back if you was fishing.

But all that was a long time ago.

Did you have a big white wedding?

No. Very quiet.

I didn't want to draw attention to it.

Let's face it.

Mary and Harry, I mean, there's nothing to boast about, is there?

Was you nervous on your wedding night?

Nervous?

Disappointed. No, well... The, er... Harriet

always boasted... LAUGHTER ..that he was...

..well hung.

LAUGHTER That's quite neatly.

I didn't know much about sex before I was married and...

I didn't learn much after I was married.

But, oh, when I see it for the first time

on our honeymoon, I thought to myself, well, that's

well hung.

It's not what I'd imagined well hung would mean.

It hung.

Like an acorn between two plants.

I bet he was relieved.

Well, I was very fortunate with my first marriage because he never bothered me

with things like that, no.

Well, he knew I wouldn't have allowed it.

I give him his due. He never persisted. Not even if he'd been drinking.

So you're not keen on that sort of thing, then? No, no. I was brought up to

believe it was dirty.

And when I saw my late husband, you know, I saw no reason to change my mind.

Fortunately, as my mother always used to say, you don't get married for that

sort of thing. Well, not if you're wise.

If he had a good job, she always said, that was far more important.

My friends provided a nice home, I must say that.

Although, well, most of the time I would prefer to share it with someone else.

Oh, you've got a dream, man.

Only in the dream.

My dreams.

I've woken up some nights all hot and bothered and panting.

But it's feeling.

My friends turn to me and I've had to say no.

No, not you.

Leave me alone, you'll spoil it.

I don't want to get all grumpy.

Mr Garnet, has he... What?

That well hung... I shouldn't think so. Another acorn, I think.

I bet he climbs up them old stairs of a night, eh?

Yeah,

I don't know what we're laughing at. Here's a man about to face his doom, as

they say.

Yeah, well, you can have a laugh and a drink and a wait, can't you?

A wait's better than this. I mean, here is a man getting banged up for life.

Married? He's like an open prison.

Open? What's open about it?

I'm not a prisoner. God be God.

I can go out.

You know what I like? Yeah.

That you have to take her with you? Yeah.

Well, if you've got a dog, you've got to take you for a walk, haven't you?

I've got both wife and a dog. He has two.

So then, right, sit, stay, down.

It's the training, isn't it, the training? No, it's just like Barbara

hasn't it? Oh, yes.

Reeve up their nostrils. I didn't reeve up their nostrils, did I?

You're a farmer!

Mr Garnet. A dog don't take an entitled half your house if you want to kick it

out. A dog, you can have it put down.

No questions asked.

You want to put a wife down, that's more difficult.

Oh, that's not easy.

Right. You've thought about it, haven't you, Arthur?

That's a crime for a start. That's right, yeah. No extenuating

I mean, if a burglar breaks into your house and steals our of what you've got,

and you clobber him, lay him low, finish him off, you've got a chance there,

because it's your property under the law he's stealing.

But a wife, a woman, a con artist, who comes to you

with nothing, promises to love and obey you, and that's a lie for a start.

I can count on one hand the number of conjugal rights I've had. I'd have been

better off with a whore.

Once he's wormed away into your affection, and then, man, you're

my name's Mark.

He got himself into last night.

Did you have to put him to bed?

No, dear, I left him where he fell.

I put some newspapers under his head in case he was sick in the night, but

that's all.

Here, I'm going upstairs to have a bath and get ready.

Perhaps one of you ladies could let him out once I'm upstairs.

Oh, dear, don't let him touch any of this drink, will you? Because I don't

him coming to the church.

What's going on? Why have you locked me in here?

Well, you're not supposed to see the bride until you've reached the church.

Well, how can I go to the church if I'm locked in there, eh?

Mrs. Ollyberry says you've got to lay off of that stuff. She don't want you

arriving up the church drunk. I know. It's the first of the day, isn't it? I'd

hope so. You've only just woken up.

Well, it's just a livener, that's all.

You'll make yourself ill drinking this early.

I am ill. God, blimey.

My head.

Oh, we had a skimful last night, didn't we?

Disgusting.

There's some breakfast cooked for you in the oven.

No, no, a few of these will do for me, don't worry.

Look, how am I supposed to get ready and dressed if I can't see the bride, eh?

Well, you'll use your bedroom, won't you, I should think.

Well, I might want to go in the bathroom. I might want to wash or

Oh.

I think I'll pour myself a little something now that the praying mantis

gone. Yeah, hold on, hold on. Here, look, give that to Mrs. Olinbury, will

It's my wedding present to her, I tell her.

I'm sure she'll be pleased.

Yeah.

It's a bit late. You think she'll turn up? Of course she will.

It's her big day, isn't it?

Yeah.

She's got her heart set on this.

It's her happy day.

Yeah.

She's been looking forward to this for months, she has, hasn't she? Mm.

Thank

you.

Oh, not half.

Milk,

though? Oh, cheers, Al. Good luck.

Oh, handsome.

Slide it along to Mr Carey, will you? Not half.

Thirsty work, this waiting.

How

about you,

Father? Thanks for the drop.

It's all right. Nobody's watching.

Excuse me, Father.

Could I borrow an offering plate, make a collection?

Oh, certainly.

Thank you.

It's not for you, Father. It's a whip round for booze.

But we'll take your collection for you afterwards, if you like.

The bride's coming now!

Right, all good.

coming down the aisle.

I want here comes the bride.

She wants here comes the bride.

She wants here comes the bride.

and Bridget Bernadette Camille.

You have come together in this church so that the Lord may see and strengthen

your love in the presence of the church's minister and this community.

Christ abundantly blesses your love.

He has already consecrated you in baptism, and now he enriches and

you by a special sacrament so that you may assume the duties of marriage.

in mutual and lasting fidelity.

And so, in the presence of the Church, I ask you to state your intentions.

I shall now ask you to freely undertake the obligations of marriage and to state

that there is no legal impediment to your marriage.

Are you ready?

Freely and without reservation to give yourselves to each other in marriage.

Excuse me, Father.

I don't have to... say obey.

No, no, no. We don't have that now. Not in this ceremony.

So I won't have to say obey.

She will.

I won't. You will.

I won't.

If you'll marry me, my dear, you will obey and you will say I obey.

I'd rather not marry you.

Oh, yes, you will.

Cheat jury!

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