All language subtitles for In Sickness And In Health s05e08

Now, my old darling, they've laid her
down to rest, and now I'm missing her

all the art.

But they don't give a monkey's down at
the age of death, and they call it I'll

be pension for a start.

No, it won't be very long before I'm
quite a sign, but I'll probably starve

death, that's what I'll do.

But richer or poorer, I'm bloody poor,
that's a fact, just because in sickness

than in health, but I'll do.

Four hourly.

Oi, oi, oi, just a minute, just a
minute. I was in fact at home.

I was queuing for them.

You can't queue for other people, my
dear. You only queue for yourself.

We always do it.

I queue for them, and they queue for me.
And I queue for me, and I was in front

of them.

Tell him, Fred. We always do it, don't
we?

We'll have to catch the next one, mate.
I've only got room for four, and these

girls are in front of you.

Girls? Girls?

Oh, blimey.

Two years since she was a girl.

Any of them.

Sorry, Maisie. Look, I've got to take
him.

I can take three of you. It's all right,
Fred. We'll wait for the next bus.

We want to stay together.

Where you going?

You better have the exact money, cos
I've got no change.

I don't need money, do I? I've got a bus
pass.

Well, hurry up, then.

Wait a minute.

Maisie! Look, wait a minute, will you?
I've got a bus pass here. Where is it?

I'll bloody find it.

But, look, I'm entitled!

Anyone can say that.

No, you can see I'm entitled, can't you?

You see I'm old, can't you? What do you
want, glasses?

Oh, Blimey, if your eyes are that bad,
you can't see that I'm in touch with a

bus pass.

You shouldn't be driving a bus in the
first place. Come on, go.

No, I'm not getting off.

I'm not... Are you going to phone me
off? Are you?

No.

Look, at the labour exchange, they can
tell I'm too old for a job easy enough.

So why can't you tell I'm too old to pay
on a bus, eh?

They're not bus passes, do you? No.

You've got the cash, don't you? So you
work your own little fiddle.

Bit for the company, bit for you.

It's your game, I know.

I've known a few bus conductors in my
time.

Making a fortune, they are.

Some of the ticket collectors on the
train. All them excess fares.

Stay in their own pocket, innit? I know.

I'm not green, mate. I wasn't born
yesterday.

I've seen the big houses you lot live
in.

That's why there's only the one of you,
innit? Hey, you got greedy. Didn't want

to share it with your mate, did you? No.

Little perks, a lot of you. Are you
getting off this bus? No.

Morning, you.

Morning.

Come on, over here, mate.

It's you.

Yes, mate.

It's me.

And I've got my bus pass, haven't I?

We've all got our bus passes.

Come on, everyone.

Show the nice, kind bus driver your bus
pass.

Just giving them a run out.

Run out?

They want to go somewhere, you know.
They just don't want to sit on a bus.

I'm just taking them for a blow, they
call it. Give them a breath of fresh

Put that pipe out for a start.

Why? It's not a tube.

They don't want to go somewhere. They
will. They will go somewhere.

Where's this bus going, mate? Moorlake.

Oh, that'll do us.

Moorlake, everyone, all right?

Yeah?

Has he got a beach?

Is that OK?

Yes, it's at the Lake District.

South End. Tell him you're going to
South End.

South End's not Lake District. We always
trip to South End.

You won't get all them wheelchairs on
here. That's all right.

There's no room.

Well, there should be room, mate. It's a
big bus. There should be plenty of

room. One or two of them wheelchairs I
can take.

That's all I can take on here.

That's not fair to us.

Look, I don't make the rules.

Oh, yeah.

That's what they said at Nuremberg,
mate. All them Nazis.

What are you talking about, Nazis?

They called me a bloody communist down
at that boat.

Well, you're not behaving like a
communist. If you was a communist, mate,

want to share your bus with us.

Perestroika. Glasnost.

Everyone will have their own bus out
there soon.

Good. Good.

Then we won't have to stand around in
the rain for hours waiting for your

lot, will we? Oh, yeah.

Primatised a bussy day. One of them, are
you? Oh, we was a bloody sight better

off before your lot nationalised them,
weren't we? Oh, blimey. In them days,

you'd go up west, have a skimful, bowl
of jelly deals, bottle of whiskey on the

bus coming home, see the quack in the
morning, and it still cost you less than

bus fare up the corner, wouldn't it
today?

You'd get an all -day ticket for a penny
then.

Why, if they had horses, probably then.

And they was a bloody sight faster than
your lot.

Look, just a minute. No more
wheelchairs.

Sorry. Look,

mate, we're a party here.

All for one and one for all. All for one
and one for all.

Just a minute. You're not bringing that
on here.

Look, I paid him for that. That's the
key.

You tell him I can't have it on here.

All for one and one for all.

Look, mate, this is not a private bus.
This is public transport.

This is the public and we have got our
constitutional right. Not to drink on my

bus, you ain't. You want to drink on a
bus, you've got to hire one.

How can I hire a bus?

You said you're a party?

A poor party.

Then hire a cheap bus.

Because if you're a party, mate, you
have to hire your own bus.

Because this bus ain't for parties.

A party, you have the right to head off.
Don't tell me the dictionary. I know

what a party is. A party, my friend, is
a person or person.

It's a block, and block bookings are
done by head office. And public means

to everyone, to the civic people as
well.

Yeah, and I wish you'd disappear down
here. Oh, very fine.

Look, this is a scheduled route, and you
are making me late. No, mate, you're

the one who's making you late. You want
to learn to think of others. No, you're

the one who'll learn to think of others.

Hey! Hey!

What's going on here?

It's him. He don't want us on his bus.

Why not?

You causing trouble?

Trouble? Do they look like trouble,
Officer? I mean, do they look like

Spockerooligan?

I don't want to sound cruel or odd.

I mean, I've got sympathy for the olden.
I know it's rotten for them, but look.

I mean, it's more like an hospital bat.

You're not qualified for these sort of
things. See? Just because we're old.

Well, you'll be old one day, mate. See
how you like it.

See how you like it, you get turfed off
a bus because you're too old. Anyway,

there's no law that says how old or
young you've got to be before you get on

bus. Look, I'm talking about the
wheelchairs and all. You're blocking the

gangway. Excuse me, there's no law that
says you can't bring a wheelchair onto a

bus. Say one of them is taken ill.

Oh, yeah, what do you want them to do?
Have a medical before they get on your

bleeding bus?

There's no law. Let me decide what the
law says, eh?

Quite right, officer.

That is your prerogative. You tell him
that there's no law that says you've got

to have a medical before you go on the
bus.

Although, I agree, people with diseases
shouldn't be allowed on them breathing

their germs all over you. I see they've
stopped them speeding on buses now.

You still do it.

No. They're not only on buses.

Spitting your own out and then rub it
into the floor with your foot. No.

It's got all shiny patches where you do
it. Will you listen?

They're always spitting on your
television. Did you see that World Cup?

all over the television they were.

That one got sent off. Here, officer,
send him off. Shut up. Look, they don't

spit on the telly, do they? They're
spitting on the football pitch. I see it

the telly. And West Ham are the worst.
They are disgusting. Spitting on the

pitch. You're spraying me with it now.

All right.

What's this beer?

Oh, well, it's just a little, you know,
get the blood circulating.

Let them know they're alive still.

Do you like one of us? I mean, nobody's
watching.

Drinking's not allowed on a bus.

Oh, well, they're not driving. I mean,
no one's driving on this bus.

I am.

But you're not drinking, are you, mate?
Well, not after you anyway.

I don't know why you thought that.

The money... they collected in the pub
for them, you could probably add a cheap

bus, taking them all to Southend. This
is a cheap bus, my dear. What's so

special about Southend?

Well, there wasn't enough money for
both. They had the booze and a coach.

That's right. I mean, a lot of fun that
would be, wouldn't it? Sitting on a bus

without a drink. Oh, you speak for
yourself.

Look, it's them I'm thinking of. They
want to enjoy themselves, don't they?

Want a bit of knees up, don't you? A bit
of a sing song.

Can't do that without a drink, can you?

You can't do anything without a drink.

Can't do much with one either.

They'd have all been happy just with a
day by the sea.

Day by the sea?

What are they going to do by the sea?

Have a bath.

A paddle? All most of them manage on
their own is to sit.

Well, they can sit on the sand.

Get their wheelchair stuck in the sand
more like.

You can't paddle in the water at
Southend no more. Of course you can't.

polluted. You can have a foot drop off.

It's polluted, you know.

There is raw sewage flowing about, isn't
there? That's right. Go in swimming,

come out smoking a cigar. Very nice.

What they've got here is sitting.

What they're good at is sitting and
drinking.

Yeah, what you're good at.

Look, I've got them all decided to
London coming up in a minute.

I've got my Tower of London, you.

Your Palace of Westminster?

Not on this route.

No one's talking to you, big ears.

Not one of the best routes.

Used to pass all the factories with all
the smells in the old days.

It's probably the drains causing it now.

All the bloody cutbacks.

Infrastructure, as they call it.

That's right.

That's true. It's decaying, isn't it? I
mean, you never find them sweeping the

roads now.

That's true. Or washing them down.

That's right.

We'll probably have to have another one
of them.

Plagues of London with crosses on the
doors.

Carts coming round, taking their bodies
before they do anything about it. Right.

Bring out your thing. Well, that's what
it was like. I mean, the thing is, I am

more susceptible to smells than most
people.

Because I'm taller.

I never knew that. No, but it rises.

And I get the full body of it.

I reckon that a lot of that is the cause
of my bad chest.

Yes? Yes, I get...

More than my fair share of germs, and
that's not fair.

Of course it is, because my nostrils are
bigger than most.

Yeah, they are.

I mean, once them germs go up there,
straight up your nostrils, and that's

whoosh.

I mean, shelter, that's what it was in
the first place.

Now, I mean, it's more likely to build
their bloody homes up there.

Do you know, I was reading in a paper
the other day that all the parasites are

living on and in us.

And they are causing most of the trouble
in the world. I mean, I've always got

down with something or the other because
of it.

That's made a few of them homeless.

He's going the wrong way.

Selfie isn't this way.

Do you want to get off?

She's bored.

Bored? Then you're starting.

Her day's so full of action normally, is
it?

It's not the way to the Lake District
either.

I know. I was there when I was a little
girl.

There was different ways to everywhere
when you was a little girl, my dear.

You don't want to keep going to the same
places all the time, do you? I should

think at your age, you need a bit of a
change.

Who needs a change?

Who's she?

She's always changing.

I just get comfortable and she's, oh,
you need a change.

It's the dog.

Don't come in.

That's who bits the carpet.

It's the dogs.

Oi, driver, if you turn left down here,
come out by the prospect of Whiffy.

No, not here, Alf. Not my route.

Driver, if you turn left just up there,
go through Robber Eye's Tunnel, it's a

good route into Margate. Oh, this bus is
going to Mortlake.

You don't have to go to Mortlake right
now.

I mean, we've got all our packages.

Can't get any more on, and we're not
getting off.

That's up to you, mate. My job is to
take this bus to Malt Lake.

It's a much nicer ride up through like
Randgate or Margate. Oh, I like Margate.

So do I, missus. But this bus is going
to Malt Lake.

You can go to Margate if you like. I
don't mind. I'm easy.

Devon's nice.

What was even nicer?

Shut up.

Come on, the bar's open.

You know my Harry?

No.

You're the Mr. Hopkins from number 34,
aren't you?

No. I thought I recognised you.

You're a shame, sir. I wouldn't know you
now.

Do you know him?

Oh, yeah.

Are you with us? Oi, oi, who are you
poking?

It's enough.

I live above him.

Your dog comes into my house.

Like she makes that a dog comes in and
wets,

you know.

I have to bring this out for him.

She's on a bus, Stella.

I don't know what might happen, see.

She suffers from frequency, you know.

I don't like her being more than a few
minutes from a labby, really.

And of course she will drink.

She likes a drink.

She may be old, but she'll drink her
share of the kitty, don't you worry.

Are you in charge of her?

Yes. Well, why don't you leave her at
home?

There's no one to look after her.

What about you?

I like a day out too, you know.

And if I come out, I have to bring her
with me.

Don't I have toilets on these buses?

Oh, don't you, darling.

Well, I have them on planes. Yes, there
I am. And trains.

Look, it's bad enough having to step
over dog stools without... Shut up.

stupid, you are.

Don't just drop out, does it?

It goes into a box and the sort of
chemicals work on it, you know, and

up like.

Do you have to talk about things like
that? I'm just telling you how it's

Well, I don't want to know how it's
done, thank you.

Look, they turn it into water, my dear,
pure water, water that you can drink.

Yeah, well, you drink it. I don't want
it.

I've seen it done.

They do it in the sewage farms and it
comes out so pure.

And then they send it back through the
taps to us, I suppose.

What do you think they do with it? They
throw it out to sea at south end, like

Arthur says, where it can't do any harm.

And that's where you want to go paddling
in it.

Did you bring your dog on?

Oh.

Well, I would hope, my dear, that I'd
have a bit more control than that.

Oh, look at it.

Sometimes it's a bit up here, you know,
the city and all that.

You forget what it looks like.

I don't know.

Not much change since I was last up
here. A few new buildings, perhaps.

That's Prince Charles's. I mean, some of
them. Oh, God.

Looks like a car bank on the back of
a...

I mean, look at that one.

It's like a bloody pudding base, isn't
it?

I wouldn't like to live anywhere else,
would you?

What, another town, you mean? Yeah, you
know, Manchester, Birmingham.

No. I mean, you can't expect someone
who's born and bred in London to

go and live in a cultural desert like
that.

Culture? No.

Since when have you ever availed
yourself of all this culture?

Well, fortunately, my dear, I haven't
needed it, have I? So where do you go

your culture?

I know where to look for it, don't I? If
I need it, I know where to find it.

Blimey, I've got a tongue in the air,
don't I?

Well, that's what I mean about London,
you see. I mean, you easily find that

sort of thing. What do you want?

Oh, I'm not saying it's not easy to find
it. It's just I've never seen him

looking for it.

Yeah, but we have.

Yes, but they may want it.

But it's nice to know it's on tap.

If you do, my dear.

I stayed in Birmingham once for a few
days. Oh, I wouldn't want to go live up

Birmingham. Not at my age. I mean, I
wouldn't want to have all the bother

learning another language. Not at my
age.

You learn another language.

Well, you have to if you want to talk to
them.

Do you speak English, though?

Gad, all the English.

Have you heard them? Oh, blimey. I'll
make more sense out of your Pakistanis

than I can out of them.

I mean, the Pakistani, for all his being
foreign, he speaks a bloody sight

better English than most of your
Northerners, or your Scots, or your

your Welsh.

Especially your bloody Irish.

His Irish powers gave you the language.

Your nothing but Eden's the lot of you.

And your Queen's a German.

Get out! Get out!

Instead of that old man to the Queen,
you traitorous, blasphemous Irish kid.

Why not? I've got artificial hip. Come
on.

That's it.

There's going to be fighting all off.

Sit down. Sit down. Get him a drink. Get
him a drink.

He has a drink to you.

Shut up.

I'll take the law into my own hands.

I won't have him tell me, an Irishman, I
can't speak the Queen's English.

Sit down.

Why have we stopped? Why are we moving?

You picked the wrong day for your
outing, mate. I just remembered.

There's some foreign royal going to
Waterloo to be met by the Queen.

We could be here for hours.

Very marvellous, eh, son?

Bloody clapped -out foreign royal.

Was a free trip up Buckhouse. His missus
was a day at Arrods.

He was a cheap nosh of the royal silver,
and we got to sit in a bloody traffic

jam because of him.

Might be someone important.

Important? Don't talk the dark.

If it's something important, it wouldn't
have fight or waste on all the royal

paraphernalia. If it was President Bush,
he'd fly, wouldn't he?

He's too busy running the world, looking
after the American Empire to go by

train. Oh, look, you can see her. Look,
look, there she is.

Oh, doesn't she look lovely?

Oh!

Isn't it exciting?

Oh, I've never seen her in the flesh
before.

Which one is her?

See, in that car there. The one wearing
the glasses.

She ain't got a crown on then.

Not like that at all. She doesn't wear
all the...

I mean, she's the queen, Arthur. I know.

You don't expect her to wear that great
heavy crown all day long. No. That's

only for state occasions.

Yeah. I mean, she don't wear it in bed.

Or when she nips over to our room.

Come on, everybody.

So now she's the queen.

It's the queen.

Conveniences you men have got out there.
I mean, all you have to do is stand

there.

We have to wait for a cubicle.

I've got to sit down, haven't I?

Everything's made easier for men.

You don't have to piddle all over your
shoes, do you?

I know we've got plenty of cubicles in
there.

My dear, they could... Hey, ladies, come
on.

Just watch the officer. You can't go in
there.

The lady's in there. Aye. No, it's all
right. Our lady's is properly

respectable.

Now, oh, I see.

I see. You're busting. Hold on a minute.
Ladies and gentlemen, policeman coming

through.

It's a party.

A party? Hey, just a minute, just a
minute.

What have you been doing in there?

What have I been doing?

My business.

Come on, Betty.

Oh, really? Just a minute.

Did she say business?

At her age?

I don't believe it.

What are you lot?

It's the pensioners' outing.

Yeah, yeah, we're only having a bit of
fun, that's all. We're all together.

What, in the men's toilet?

Well, there wasn't no...

Just relieving themselves.

Blimey, they're busting, weren't they?

I mean, what do you think they were
doing? Oh, blimey.

Officer Gordon Bennett, you're mine.

What do you think they were doing?
They're old age pensioners. Most of them

married, aren't they?

They want to get up to that sort of
thing. They've got homes of their own

can go to. They don't have to come out
of a public toilet and do it.

What do you think they are?

Perverts, eh?

Members of Parliament?

I've got nothing against old people,
but, blimey, they can be a nuisance. Oh,

yeah. Oh, well, never mind. Rush hour's
over now, eh?

Be a nice, easy run back with just a few
theatre crowds?

Yeah, put down all the way. Yeah, stop
for no one. Except those who want to get

off. And no picking up at request stops.

Put down straight past, can't see them
in the dark. That's the biggie.

Oh, bloody nuisance and request.

Too many of them. Yeah.

Oh, well, see you back at the depot.
Yeah.

Order me a pint.

Will do. Right.