All language subtitles for In Sickness And In Health s05e07

Now, my old darling, they've laid her
down to rest, and now I'm missing her

all we are.

But they don't give a monkey's down at
the age of death, and they've gone and

I'll be pensioned for a start.

No, it won't be very long before I'm pi
-er -tine, but I'll probably starve to

death, that's what I'll do.

But richer or poorer, I'm bloody poor,
that's what I'll do.

What day is it?

What day is it? What do you mean, what
day is it?

Wednesday. I know what today is.

But what did you ask for?

I mean, what day is it that you do your
jury work?

Next week.

What day?

Wednesday. Next Wednesday.

Today week!

Today is Wednesday, then.

Are you sure?

I just told you, didn't I?

Give me a sec.

Now you're bloody well done.

I thought it was Thursday.

Well, if it is, this paper's a day
early. I've got news here that ain't

happened yet.

I thought you said you knew what day it
was.

I do, I do. I thought yesterday was
Wednesday. Not until tomorrow, my dear.

And I did all that rushing about
yesterday because I thought it was early

closing. Well, now you can do it all
again today because today is early

No, I've got all I want now. But it is
annoying because if I'd known

yesterday... If I'd known yesterday was
Tuesday, I could have gone to the church

bazaar because I was really looking
forward to that.

You couldn't have been looking forward
to it that much else you'd have

remembered to go to it. No, I did
remember to go to it.

Not on Tuesday, you didn't. Oh, yes, I
did, but there was nobody there. It

wasn't open.

So what did you do Monday?

Comes after Sunday.

I know where Monday comes. I can't seem
to remember having one this week. Well,

not a proper Monday. Because that whole
Tuesday was Monday, see? That's why I

went to the church bazaar.

And there was nobody there.

Well, of course not, silly. It was the
wrong day.

So you've lost a day.

No, I've gained one.

I thought yesterday... was Wednesday and
today was Thursday, but it's not. Today

is Wednesday, so it's Thursday again
tomorrow.

So I get two Thursdays in this week.

And no Monday.

Oh, yes, but I don't mind missing
Monday. I'm a big keen on Mondays.

And I can always do with an extra
Thursday.

It's a much better day for me, because I
always know more where I am on a

Thursday. And with an extra Thursday, I
mean, it gives me more time to press

your suit.

Eh? Well, Thursday is my ironing day,
see?

And I didn't think I'd get through all
this today, but now I've got tomorrow as

well.

Look, when they go out of brain
transplants, you put in for one, right?

Because you are entitled.

Look, there's only so many days in a
year, right?

You say so. No matter what I say,
though, it's fact, isn't it? And they're

numbered and put into months and weeks,
right?

Well, that's not new.

No, it's not new. It's been going on for
a long time, my dear.

Yeah, as long as I can remember. Which
is not saying very much, but never mind.

You can't lose any one of them days.

Yeah, but I didn't say I'd lost one. You
said I'd lost one. I said I'd gained

one. You can't gain one, neither.

There's only so many days.

And they're all numbered, like I said.
Look, do you know how many days there

in a year?

Seven. Seven?

You silly great pudding, there's...
Monday.

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday
and Sunday. That's seven. Wrong!

Can you think of any other? There's 365!

No, no, no. No, that's just the same old
seven.

You know, repeated all over again every
week.

Of course, nobody else could think of
any more either, I suppose.

Well, it's just as well. It would be a
funny week if there was any more.

It's not half as funny as the week
you've been having.

Besides, seven days in a week is enough
for anyone.

Except an extra Thursday in this week,
we'll come in handy for pressing your

suit.

Except I'll have to wait and press it
next week if you want to look really

for the jury.

Look, it's criminals I'll be sitting in
judgment on, and you think I've got to

dress up and look smart for them?

Well, it won't just be criminals, will
it? The judge will be there, and the

lawyer.

Blimey, you want to look smart for the
judge, don't you? I'm not going out of

tea with them, are I? It's not a social
visit.

Besides, I'll be sitting in a jewellery
box.

It only shows head and shoulders.

Clean collar, that's all I need.

Do you know who the criminals are, yeah?
Of course I don't. They don't tell you

that.

Could be a bunch of cut folks and
murderers for all I know. And I've got

there in full view.

Just head and shoulders, you said?

Yeah, but that's...

That's enough for them, isn't it? That's
the bit they ought not to show.

I mean, show them your bottom half,
yeah, let them know you're there, but

face should be hidden at all times.

They should either blindfold the
prisoner or hide the jury.

Yeah, but the judge has got to sit there
too. I mean, he'll be in full view and

the prosecuting counsel.

They're in disguise, my dear. They're
wearing wigs and gowns, aren't they?

You wouldn't recognise them if you saw
them outside in the street.

Well, can't you wear a wig and shave off
your moustache?

Besides, it's their job, isn't it?

And they'll be earning a bloody sight
more out of it than I will too.

I mean, it's fairer. I mean, they've got
to work in a car, don't they?

With a police escort.

Or even a prisoner gets driven down a
police van.

I've got to go on a bus and come back on
a bloody bus. Well, I pay your fare.

I've got a bus pass. I don't need them
to pay my fare, do I? You get expenses.

Expenses, expenses.

£7 .10, please, for ten hours or over.

That's under a pound an hour. Well
under, that is.

Blimey. They're the ones who need a
trade union if anybody does. The poor

jury. It wasn't a sweatshop, that is.
And no talk about danger money. Oh, no.

There's the judges and your barristers,
all the legal eagles. They're coining

it, they are.

Living in their mansions, driving around
in bloody great Rolls Royces.

The poor bloody jury's got to risk life
and limb for a pittance.

I mean, it's supposed to be a court of
justice.

Well, where's the justice in that, eh?
Answer me that.

I mean...

Bloody legal profession. They ought to
get down on their hands and knees that

have got any sense of justice at all and
give thanks to the Lord who's given

them all them villains.

They make the bloody side more out of
crime than your poor bloody criminal

I mean, it's no wonder they give them
all light sentences.

They don't want your criminal sitting in
prison twiddling his thumbs. No, they

want him out in the streets walking.

No wonder they're against capital
punishment. Well, that's the reason,

They don't want all their best clients
topped, do they? No, get a nice juicy

murder trial going.

What are you laughing, isn't it?

Oh, dear Lord, they'd buy themselves
another house in the south of France.

That's why the police are so keen to
pick people up, because they're in on it

too. They get a commission off the
lawyers, don't they?

I'm not sticking my neck out in that
bloody courtroom, not for what they're

paying me.

The jury has to work just as hard as all
the rest of them, puts in the same

hours, has got to sit there, sift the
evidence, weigh up your pros and cons,

give the verdict, and we shall be on the
same whack as all the others.

Yeah.

Fair, fair.

I mean, I could be sitting there giving
out my guilty verdicts, and then them or

their mates could be round here bashing
the door down after me.

Well, we don't want any of that.

I mean, Mr Johnson says he knows the
jury man once he got both his legs

by the villains and that was before the
case even started.

Well, thank God we've still got that
wheelchair.

The trouble with your courts, Mr
Garnett, is they let too many people

Yeah, well, I mean, if you're not
guilty... No, it shouldn't matter.

It's up to the police to secure a
conviction by every means in their

What, even fit someone up?

Yeah, if they have to. I mean, it's
better if they've got the guilty person.

they haven't, they shouldn't let it
bother them.

What, convict an innocent man?

If they have to.

I mean, the whole purpose of your
criminal code is to deter people from

committing crime.

And the only way to do that is to put
the fear of punishment at people for

breaking the law. Let them know that if
a crime has been committed, someone is

going to be punished. It doesn't matter
whether it's the person who's done that

particular crime or not. That's
immaterial.

I mean, hanging an innocent person is as
good a deterrent as hanging a guilty

one. And that is why I say there should
be capital punishment.

a murder has been done, it's better to
hang the wrong person than to hang

nobody.

Yeah, yeah, it's true. I mean, but...
The people that they arrest and imprison

or hang, I mean, they should be from
your criminal classes, though. Oh,

possible, I would say.

Right. You mean there should be a
section of society they can draw on for

sort of thing? Yeah. Now, there's a good
idea.

Yeah, like, I mean, louts, you football
hooligans. Yeah, you're animals, you're

good for nothing.

Yeah, all that sort. Their names should
be taken and put on a list. And then

when a crime is committed, you go to
that list and one of them gets punished

it. Yeah, but it's supposed to be fair,
though, isn't it? Justice, isn't it?

Justice and law and order are two
different things, Arthur. There is

where it says that law and order has to
be fair.

And if your citizen goes out of his way
to be law -abiding, makes every effort

to keep his nose clean, he's got every
chance in the world of steering clear of

the law. But if, on the other hand, he
ain't too fussed about being law

-abiding, then he's got an equal chance
of having his collar felt. And it don't

matter whether he's done this particular
crime or not. That should be purely

academic. The whole point is we need a
criminal.

And we got one. We need someone to
punish.

And we have found him.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, I mean, there is a criminal class,
Arthur. You can see them all round you.

Yeah, well, I don't know about that. I
mean... Well, I mean, there's people you

wouldn't trust, Arthur. Well, most of
them, yeah. I mean, not a lot of people

would trust.

There is a criminal type.

Of course there is. You can see them. I
mean, you can look around and say, there

goes one, there's another.

Shouldn't have to wait for them to do
anything.

No, well, there you are. That slows down
the criminal process.

There was a time when the police would
arrest them on suspicion.

They'd see one lurking in the doorway.
They're right inside, three months for

stuff. Yeah, why did they stop that?
Bloody liberals.

Yeah, trying to be fair to the criminal.
Why be fair to a criminal? He ain't

fair to us.

Right. Yeah, well, that's all very well,
but, I mean, the police are supposed to

serve the public, not judge them. I
mean, the public pay their wages.

I mean, if you employ somebody to work
for you, you don't expect that person to

turn around and start bullying you and
telling you what to do, do you? The

bloody trade unions do, mate.

No, they don't.

They are there to protect their members
against the employers.

Get off out of it. First thing the union
leader does, as soon as he takes

office, is to raid the union funds, buy
himself a bloody big house and a bloody

big car, go with it.

I mean, when did you ever see a poor
union leader, eh? When did you ever see

union leader that didn't earn more than
the members he's supposed to be

representing? I thought we were talking
about the police.

No, we're talking about bloody
criminals, mate. Oh.

So you are saying that the union leaders
are criminals?

I am saying that all the union leaders
ought to be on that list, what Mr

is talking about.

People to be watched.

People not to be trusted because they
are a dodgy bunch.

Because if they're not watched, Arthur,
they'll rob and exploit their members

worse than the bloody employers. Well,
I've seen them.

They start on a soapbox and finish up in
the House of Lords.

Look at that bloke you had, the leader
of your bloody union.

He done better out of it than the bloody
capitalist he was supposed to be up

against. And don't tell me he didn't
have his hand in a few tills, including

own union's till.

Oh, blimey.

Money don't grow on trees, Arthur. So
where did all this wealth come from, eh?

Answer me that, eh?

Every borough's got its rotten apples,
Earl. Yeah, they're all on the top in

union borough, mate. That's the trouble.

There are two groups of people in this
world.

Those who do and those who it's done to.
What you've got to try and do is join

the first group.

And you're trying to make the police
join the first group.

They're the ones that do it and we're
the ones they do it to. No.

You are saying that you employ the
police to get a criminal.

If they can't get a criminal...

One of us will do. Not one of us,
Arthur. If you're law -abiding, you're

to be all right. I mean, do the police
bother you? No, if you're respectable,

you're right. I mean, they've got their
funny ways, the police, yeah. Please

stop that young colour boy coming out of
your house.

Yeah, well, they was just being
watchful, that's all. I mean, he was

of my house, Arthur. You know, and...

Carrying a bag.

He wasn't doing anything wrong.

No, but he might have been. That's their
point.

They don't stop Mrs. Olinbury or you
coming out of your house carrying a bag.

No, but we live there, don't we? Well,
he lived there, didn't he? No, but, I

mean, he looked suspicious, didn't he?

They all do.

Who?

The blackies.

He was black, wasn't he? I mean, that's
nothing against Winston. I mean, you

know, he was all right. He was a good
lad. Very honest in his way. But, I

he counts against them around here,
doesn't he?

Well, that's prejudice, ain't it?

No, it's not prejudice. I'll give him a
room in my house, didn't I? But you have

got to be cautious.

I mean, you've still got to be watchful.

I mean, I'll walk past a dog, all right.
I mean, most of them's tame enough.

But you still tread with caution, don't
you? Because they... I mean, dogs do

bite.

Well, that's all right then, isn't it?
Because you'll be on the jury next week.

You'll be able to put some of them away
for us, won't you? I will, I will. I'll

put them all away, don't you worry.

Only the criminals, only the ones I'm...
Convince these criminals, but... See,

the jury shouldn't have to sit there in
full view of everybody. That's my point.

I mean, no, you should better look at a
prisoner through a peephole in the cell

door. I mean, study him, you know, be
fair.

And, I mean, you know, give him a good
looking over, listen to what the police

has got to say, why they nicked him, why
they think he should go inside, pass

sentence.

But there's no need for the jury to sit
there where they can be seen.

It's not fair to them.

Wait, I've been listening to you lot
talking.

Before you start slagging off to
criminal classes... I wasn't.

Motormouth here was.

All I said was... I heard what you said,
I heard what you said, and you want to

mind your P's and Q's a bit. Listen,
we're not all criminals round here, but

lot of us have got relations who are.

You could cause offence. You want to
show some respect for people's feelings.

Look... I've got two cousins on
Dartmoor.

And when I come in here for a quiet
drink, I don't want to listen to you

blackening their names.

That's right.

A couple of lovely lads, they are.

Boys you can be proud of. I am. The
eldest.

He started a riot a few weeks ago.

I see him on the telly.

Here, wasn't he looking well?

Been out on the roof, hadn't he?

Standing up for prisoners' rights,
that's what he was doing.

What a shop steward he is now.

You see, what you don't realise, Mr
Garnet, is boys like them two lads and

Carey's, they provide a service for the
poor, nicking things and selling them

cheese. Look, if it wasn't for them, I
wouldn't have my brand -new Japanese

telly and videotape machine.

Some wouldn't even have food.

The criminal classes you was flagging
off just now do more of a service for

poor and needy than the DSS do.

That's rubbish. Rich life and limb,
liberty and freedom, them lads do.

Robbing hoods and his merry men.

Robbing the rich and... And flogging it
off cheap to the poor.

I always said there wouldn't be any
criminals if there wasn't any market for

your stolen goods.

That's right. That is right, Arthur.

It's people like Mr Garnet and Freddie
are what encourage them lads to steal. I

don't buy stolen goods.

You would if it was offered.

The trouble with our old age pension is
you can't even afford to buy cheap

stolen goods. Yeah.

And you don't want to talk, Mr Johnson.

I mean, you wouldn't have that nice new
suit and them six brand new shirts if it

wasn't for our local heroes.

Hey, is that one of them shirts you've
got on there now?

Yeah, that suit had to be taken in.

Well, not much. It was nearly a good
fit.

But I gave him the measurements.

Oh, they've got no time to go looking
for measurements.

Marvellous, eh? You can't please no one.
That suit would have cost you three

times as much if you'd bought it in the
shop what they've nicked it out of.

Receive any or go down to if he's
caught.

Have you never received Mr Garnet? Not
ever.

Get off.

I haven't, as he is my witness.

Careful, you've had stolen goods off of
me, Mr Garnet. Lies.

When you was blackmailing... Blackmail?

My two lads wouldn't do... a thing like
that. That's a filthy crime, that is.

Filthy? It's despicable.

And he was blackmailing me over that
lady at 47 Carlisle Street. Remember?

Eh? Yes.

He was cleaning windows.

And he poked his nose through a window.
What he shouldn't have been looking for?

Well, I didn't know them goods were
stolen. Well, you don't think I paid for

them, do you?

Anyway, it don't make no difference now
because I've given her the elbow.

So you won't be receiving any more.

It really upsets me, you know.

The way he goes on about people you
know, love and respect, decent people,

friends and neighbours.

There's no loyalty round here any more.
Not like it was in the old days.

The police used to have to walk the
street in threes in the old days. That's

right, that's right. And only on the
main street.

Not even the bravest had ventured down
the back streets.

And anyone caught graffing, ho, ho, ho,
they soon learnt them a lesson.

And blackmailed.

The prisons today are full of innocent
people Innocent? Yes And I'll tell you

for why.

Because they're prejudiced against as
soon as they're born. Well, that depends

who they are, doesn't it? Of course it
doesn't. Of course it bloody does.

Listen, all they have to be is poor or
working class.

It's a lot better now than it used to
be. Ah, yes.

And that's because of your blacks.

I mean, they've relieved the problem a
bit, God bless them. But if they was to

go back home, it'd be back on us, the
people.

We'd be getting the cosh again, wouldn't
we? Eh? I mean, you'd only have to slip

outside your front door and bang.

Oi, what have you got in that bag?

That's quite right.

I'm not for your blackies in the normal
way, but I must admit, things have got

fairer for us since they arrived.

Of course. You know what I mean?

Something's amiss. There's one of them
there. They look at him first.

They grab them for preference. I'm not
complaining.

Of course you're not.

I mean, it's nice to have someone lower.
Well, down the scale, I mean, it's

better for us.

It takes the pressure off. It gives you
breathing space.

Not if there's too many of them, it
don't.

It stops the old bill getting on our
backs.

I mean, before they arrived, it was
always us.

Prison was empty, it was us they filled
it with.

I mean, come out of work, have your
collar felt.

And you'd be inside.

Not if you're honest. That's my point.
That's what I'm saying.

Not if you're honest. Not if you're
honest, Mr Garnet. What about poor old

Ginger Noakes?

Honest as the day is long.

He was nubbed. They found him guilty.

Put him inside for nine months. He was
guilty.

Only according to them. Only on their
evidence.

Yeah, he reckoned he was fitted up. Of
course he was. He reckoned they had it

for him. Of course they did.

I mean, why did they stop him? Why did
they stop him coming out the door? They

was watching him.

That's it, innit? Why?

Why was they watching an innocent man?

Innocent man? God blimey, when they
stopped his car, the boot was full of

Well, that may be, but that's the point.
An innocent man stopped and searched.

Why? He was suspected. They was watching
him. He was under surveillance.

Ah, but why? That's what Harry's saying.

He's an innocent man, honest as the day
is long, not a blemish on his character.

And they stopped and searched him.

And the boot of his car was full of
stolen goods.

But they never knew that when they
stopped him.

When they stopped him, he was an
innocent man without a stain or a

against him. He wasn't a criminal. Look,
they stopped him because the front

wheels of his car was off the ground
with a whale of stuff that was in the

bloody boot, for crying out loud.

He couldn't drive the car, it was so
overloaded. He had four sides of beef in

there, two sides of bacon, sacks of
sugar, whiskey, gin. You had whiskey off

him.

I thought that was come by honest.

What, a quid a bottle?

All his customers knew it was stolen.

I think it's a crime.

Of course, of course it is. I mean,
stopping innocent people. Only hard

men with not a stain on their character
being stopped. Innocent men being

treated like criminals.

Look, the police was on the gate
stopping and searching people because

that stuff was being nicked. My brother
-in -law was nobbled by the bloody duck

police. He used to fill his water
container, you know, for the windscreen

washers. He used to fill it every day
with a bottle of scotch, a bottle of

everything that was going.

Had a little bar in his front room.

Always full, he was.

Had many a party there.

Went on for years, he did.

Then suddenly, one day, he's coming out
the dock gate and it starts raining.

So, of course, without thinking, he
turns his wipers on, 100 % truth rum all

over his windscreen.

It's not funny. It's not funny, is it?

And that's not stealing, I suppose.

Perks, Alf. Perks is no wager.

It's very funny.

You know, one of my sons is that eldest
boy. He almost became a policeman.

Broke his mother's heart, he did, but he
told her what he wanted to be. Your

father will turn in his grave, she said,
if you become a policeman and bring

disgrace on the whole family.

I tried to control it, you know, what
you do.

I said, don't worry.

If he does become a policeman, he'll be
a bent one.

Well, that's not too bad, is it?

Alfie is on jury service.

Oops. Yeah, that won't make him too
popular, will it?

They don't like him much round here
anyway.

In the docks in the old days, he'd never
nick anything.

Wouldn't turn his head whilst we did.

I was a foreman! You was unshocksworthy!

That's what you was.

Nasty type.

The sort of man I don't like to be seen
with.

Yeah.

Well, you want to watch the way you vote
on that jury, Mr Garnett.

Especially if they're local lads.

Know what I mean?

Yes, a bit more of the community spirit,
Mr Garnett.

Just for a change.

Think of your neighbours and their
relatives.

And tell those other jurors of yours,
them young lads in the docks are nearly

always innocent and wrongfully arrested,
and the ones that want to convict them

are liars.

Ticklish business, that, fitting on a
jury.

I don't think I'd fancy it.

You don't want them sort of people
bearing a grudge against you.

Mrs Olinbury!

Gordon Bennett.

How long did it take to press a pair of
bloody trousers?

Mrs. Ironberry!

What do you want? I want my trousers,
and I'm freezing to death standing here.

God, I've got to go out, haven't I?
There you are. It's the last time I'm

pressing those.

When did you have them cleaned last?

I don't send things to the cleaners.
They ruin them. Knock all the stuffing

of them, don't they?

Stuffing? There's years of dirt
ingrained in those.

They might manage to get some of that
out, but I doubt it.

They stink! Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Look, well, I've been wearing these for
years, haven't I? And nobody's ever

complained before, have they?

No, nobody's ever put iron on them
before. All the steam was revolting.

We're now going to get some funny looks
in the court today.

You're bloody right, I am.

Look!

You put the creases on the wrong way.

I've got a couple of Neftabit walking
along.

Or perhaps I trod in something.

Here.

You ain't trod in anything, have you?
No.

She'd made a good job of those, that
Mrs. Ollamrie, if she pressed them the

right way round.

Made me look like a bloody clown, she
is.

Oh, you need a red nose. Hello, hello,
hello. I see, I see, I see.

Here's one of your villains.

What have they got on him?

I don't know. Nice -looking sod, isn't
he?

I wouldn't like to fall out with him.
Oh, vicious -looking swine. I ought to

look him up and throw away the key,
people like that.

Ah, good morning, Superintendent.

I don't like these places, Alf.

They make you feel so small and
vulnerable, don't they?

I wouldn't like to sit on a jury and...

Have to send someone to prison?

It's too bloody risky, isn't it?

I wouldn't like a bloody villain having
a grudge against me.

You're not going to get any money,
President!

I'm going to get out! And I'm going to
get the chance!

The court...

Very long before I'm by a sign.

But I'll probably start to death, that's
what I'll do.

But richer or poorer, I'm bloody poorer,
that's a fact. That's because it's

sickness than an elf hospital.

It's sickness than an elf hospital.