Original subtitles

Now my old darling, they've laid her down to rest, and now I'm missing her

all me heart.

But they don't give a monkey's down at the age of death, and they're calling

me pension for a start.

No, it won't be very long before I'm by her side, but I'll probably starve to

death, that's what I'll do.

But richer or poorer, I'm bloody poor, that's a fact, just cos in sickness and

in health, I said I'll do.

What have you stopped for?

It's your turn!

Mrs. Olinbury bought it for me.

We were out shopping.

She come out of the shop, she said, here, I've got a present for you.

I wonder what she's after, eh?

There's a fair few smokes there, Arthur.

No, she's coming round now more to what a good wife should be. It's a training,

you see.

She ought to be broke in, that's all.

It wasn't easy, but it's worth it, I think.

She's a decent woman, Arthur, I've told you that before.

You've got a good in there.

You should tie the knot.

In good time, Arthur. All in good times. Bit more to do there yet.

Wish I could have my time over again.

Done it all different, would you?

No, not all. Not all of it, Arthur. It would have been some changes.

I mean, when you look back, you can see, can't you?

A map of mistakes.

Well, if you'd take my advice... No, I didn't know you then, Arthur. No, but we

all knew you, Arthur.

We knew of you.

Captain of West Ham boys on the books of United.

God blimey, you had a future in front of you, Arthur. If only you'd had the

right advice.

Yeah, too much too soon.

Too much early promise.

Turned me in, I suppose.

Didn't use your head enough in front of goal, mate. That was your trouble, eh?

Didn't want to spoil your parting, did you, eh?

Too much of the brew cream, boy.

Too fancy by far, that was your trouble.

I had England boys trial.

Yeah, but you never played, though, did you? No, I mean, if I'd only had only

half your opportunities, half a girl, dear old Lord, there's no telling. I

I couldn't have settled for just one trial for England boys.

Would have been all the way.

World Cups, £5 million transfers, would have to have been. See, that's the

difference between us, Alva.

You didn't play football?

No, I couldn't, could I? I don't mean I didn't have the skills.

I don't mean that. God blimey, when I was little, just a toddler, I was only

that big.

I could do anything with a ball.

My old dad was always saying, he's a natural, he's a natural. And my old

they used to say, phone West Ham, give the lad his chance. Look at him, look at

him, they'd say.

You can't get the ball off him. It's like it's tied to him.

Well, what happened then?

Oh, an accident, didn't I?

I'd try to stop a runaway horse.

I was only that big.

Got kicked, didn't I?

I wouldn't let go, though.

I clung on to his reins. My old dad says he yelled out, let go, son, let go, but

I wouldn't, apparently.

I don't remember much about it myself, except the one thing that sticks in my

mind was the doctor's office.

They said, that lad will never walk again, they said.

I remember that.

I was only that big.

And I said to myself, oh, won't I, I said. Well, we'll see about that, I

because I am going to walk again, mate, I said. I'm not going to spend the rest

of my life in a wheelchair.

Of course, put an end to my footballing career, but I'm not bitter, Arthur, you

know. I've still got my memories.

Yeah, well, I've got my memories.

And a few football medals.

Junior stuff, that's all.

If one thing I would have changed, though, I mean, in those days, I suppose

was a bit of a jack -the -lad, you know, local hero.

Well, I was that.

I mean, with me footballing, I mean, I mean, nothing as courageous as you.

I mean, I used to be down the Palladie dance or the local town hall dances.

Artie Luscombe, captain of West Ham boys.

Everybody knew me.

Brilliant footballer and all that. Good, good. I wouldn't say brilliant.

And then, of course, there was all the girls and Veronica.

Always a centre of attraction, I was.

Yeah, I remember her.

Blonde girl, wasn't she?

Yeah, peroxide blonde.

Veronica wasn't even her real name. Yeah, I know. She looked a bit like

Grable. Always surrounded by fellas, she was.

Yeah, I remember her. Blimey, she was a real beauty, she was.

Well, I was a bit of a handsome fella myself in them days, wasn't I?

I mean, we made a handsome couple.

The Rhett Butler and Scarlett O 'Hara of the East End Town Hall.

It's not... Is that who Mabel was?

That's who Mabel was.

God blimey, stone of crows. You'd never know it now, would you?

All that beauty.

Skin deep.

Corroded by a mean, nasty, selfish little soul.

You was the lucky one. You went for the more homely type.

Yeah, well, I had my pick too. Yeah, but you was lucky, you was. I mean, you

didn't have the sirens dangling their seductive charms in front of you.

Well... I mean, I ain't... You never had them sink their talons into you.

I mean, you escaped all that, and good luck to you.

Unfortunately, I was the local Bo Brummel.

A prize catch.

The golden boy.

Nearest to the silver screen.

A romantic dream come true.

Even the fathers thought I was nothing special.

Artie Luscombe.

Captain of West Ham Boys.

England boys' trial player.

On the books are united.

Glittering future.

And look how it all ended.

Years of misery married to that sodding cow.

LAUGHTER

What

your Mabel wants, Arthur, is not for me to say. But if you're asking me, stand

up to her.

You've got to face her down, same as you would with a wild dog.

Let her know who's master.

I mean, no woman is bad all through, no more than wild doggies. What they're

suffering from is the right handling, that's all.

Well, it's not as easy as all that, Alf. I mean, you see, the trouble is you

didn't have the dealings of a fiery -eyed, bewitching type of girl with a

silver temper and a willpower all of her own that wouldn't be dominated.

Eh? All right, a flash -arrogant little bitch.

Is that what Veronica was? She drove men mad, she did.

But you're Mabel.

Well, when she was Veronica, I'm talking about.

Yeah, well, she was a bit on the far side in those days, wasn't she? Well,

always are. I was.

I mean, in those days, I was a bit of a king charmer myself, I tell you.

Well, I had the opportunity, didn't I? I mean, local hero.

But Mabel, well, she seems to have sort of frozen back into that time as

Veronica. See, she can't adapt to change.

I mean, at home, she's got, like, Like a little altar set up for me, as I was

then.

Hair parted in the middle, wearing a West Ham jersey, cup in me hand.

She spent hours polishing them pictures and them cups.

I said to her one day, I said, you know, we're different now, she said, you are.

I said, it's a different world.

She said, you can have it.

You see, that is why she don't like me in the house.

Because I remind her that I am not the same fellow in that picture anymore.

I said to her only the other day, I said, look, if you hated me so much, why

you marry me?

She said, I didn't marry you, I married Artie Luscombe.

You let him die. You took his place. I didn't want you. I wanted the boy I

married.

Going out of her mind, she is. That's what I reckon.

Can't you get her put away?

Do I have to go for that palaver of, I mean, having to admit that there's

madness in the family?

I mean, you want to hold your head up, don't you?

As if you're unknown, like anonymous, that sort of thing.

I mean, you say that I'm forgotten now, but to some, I'm still a bit of a

legend. And there's still a few that could remember me as Captain of West Ham

Boys and Veronica winning all them dancing cups.

A fella came up to me the other day and he said, you're Artie Luscombe, aren't

you? I remember that goal you scored against Sunderland Boys.

You married that fiery -eyed, beautiful blonde.

Call everyone fancied her, you lucky devil.

So, you see what I mean?

To those people, you're what it's all about.

Success.

And, well, you don't want them to think that you've failed, do you?

Look, Arthur, go home and tell her.

Tell her who you are. Put it to a strike. Tell her, look, say...

I might not be the lad you married, my dear, but I'm the one you've got to live

with now. So back up, pull yourself together, or I'll have you put away.

I would.

Wife or no wife, I'd have no lunatic living in my house.

No, I'll tell her I put it to a start. I'll say, listen, you're not the girl I

married, neither, because the girl I married wasn't bonkers.

It's funny, that, isn't it?

What?

The way women seem more prone to madness as they grow older.

The way they all seem to catch that senile dimension so easy.

I think it's got a lot to do with that menopause thing, what the women have.

I mean, it's sort of something dries up in them.

What, their brain, you mean?

No, it's sort of biological.

Well, your brain's biological, Alf. I mean, you know, that is a part of it,

isn't it?

No, it's like the centre of their planning area.

Like when I was with West Ham boys, the coach used to say to me, try and get

your brains in your feet.

Well, that's the way the footballer has his brains, isn't it? Right, educated

feet, that's what they say. Let the feet do the thinking. That's right. Got to

use your head.

Yeah, like it was a foot.

That's the same with a fighter, isn't it? I mean, his brain's the same, see?

In his hands and in his feet.

That's where his brain should be.

Don't need nothing up there. I mean, you can hit him round the head as hard as

you like. There's nothing in there to hurt, is there?

And that's why women go mad early, you see.

Because they don't need a brain, not once they've got a husband.

I mean,

once the children have grown up and the husband's retired, well, that's their

life's work finished, isn't it?

And it's a shame. I mean, most of them, you see, they can't accept that. And

that's the tragedy of it. I mean, same with an ex -fire, ex -footballer.

Once he retires, he finds that his brains are still rooted in his feet and

his hands.

Same as a woman's brains are still rooted in the kitchen with her young

And it's their past.

What's gone is all they've got. You see, you're Mabel.

Now, she remembers you when your brain was still active in your feet. That's

trouble.

Hang on, hang on.

My brain's all right.

It's all right, yeah. It's good enough for day to day.

What I'm saying is the clever part of your brain, Arthur, the bit that stuck

when you was younger, well, it's in your feet still, that's all.

Well, what about your brain? Where do you keep your brain? Up here, mate,

between my ears and my head.

And I've looked after it, too.

That means you haven't used it much. I haven't used it.

That is you sparked with economy.

Didn't stick it in me boots and waste it on me youth, did I?

Any good with dogs, Mr Garnet? And women. Got an expert in both here.

No, I've just seen Mrs Hollingberry. She said to tell you that she's just come

in.

Is that your first?

Is that his first? As far as I know, yes.

Is it?

Yes. All right.

Take your word.

Now, I've done a budget.

Now, there's bills I have to pay here, not many.

And this you can have for your pocket money, right?

One, two, three, four, four -fifty. Now, it's not much, but it's a bit more than

last week.

I see you've got a well -trained help.

Well, someone has to take charge of the finances.

Blimey, if it was left to him, he'd be living in a cardboard box by now.

Oh, are you still looking for some sort of job, Mr Garnet? Yes.

It depends, doesn't it?

Ladies can't be choosers. Now, get yourself one and buy Mr Johnson and

drink. Well, I ain't got enough to go round. Oh, thank you very much. Mr

Johnson? Well, I just have to make some room.

It's just a topper.

Wait.

Mrs.

Meet.

News, or whatever you are.

Are you talking to me?

Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought perhaps you worked here.

Oh, no.

No, it's the charm of the people I get to meet.

What do you want?

I want two pints of top -up in here and a gin and tonic. Oh, good.

Decided to buy some drinks, have you?

Look, I don't...

I'd like to come in here, you know.

Don't you?

Well, I did wonder.

Only come in as soon as we're open, buy one drink, sit over there chin -wagging

all day, using our heat and our life.

Now, there's not much profit in that, right?

Is there?

Look, I'm old -age pensioner, aren't I? Oh, I know.

And so is your friend.

But he manages to be polite.

Civility doesn't cost much, you know.

If I had two pins, I wouldn't come in here again.

It's coming, it's coming.

I haven't got the one pair of hands, have I?

Now, what's this job, Mr. Thompson?

Dog walker. Just give them a stroll, that's all.

But the money's good, yeah. They're advertising up at the kennel. People go

to work, they want their dogs exercised. I thought, if Mr. Garnett's any good

with dogs... You've had dogs, haven't you?

Had dogs?

Oh, blimey.

My old...

He was the one for dogs, taught me all I know about them.

One dog my father had, Arthur, he was almost human, he was. Well, in fact, he

was cleverer than any human.

Ain't any sense of smell, that dog had.

My father could be four streets away and that dog could smell him coming.

Well, that's not so clever.

Can't smell you coming farther away than that.

Shut up, bloody guts.

Best writer in England, that dog was.

I remember the old days down Rathbone Street.

I've seen them put 15 cages side by side, each one with a rat in it, right?

And they open the cages and let all the rats go, and that dog has gone and

killed every one of them rats. And the last one he killed wasn't more than a

foot from the cage when he'd done it.

These dogs would be pets.

Well, my father's dog was a pet, yeah.

Well, to my father he was.

I'll tell you something, Arthur.

Remember the old Prince of Wales?

God rest his soul.

Well, he saw that dog in action once against the rats.

And he tried to buy that dog off my dad. Offered him a thousand pounds for it,

he did.

I wouldn't have thought they had any rats in Buckingham Palace.

And I said to my dad, I said, are you going to sell him, Dad?

No, son, he said.

I'd sooner sell your mother than sell that dog.

How about them Rottweilers, Mr Garnett? How would you handle one of those?

With a yard broom, Mr Jones, with a yard broom. Any dog like that, a bit

vicious, a bit eye -spirited, take a sharp -bristled yard broom and jab it in

his face.

They don't like that.

No, I didn't think they would.

Well, isn't that cruel?

No, it's just his nose and his eyes, that's all.

Do it hard, just a short, sharp jab, that's all they need.

A fully paid -up member of animal rights, are you? I don't believe in

mollycoddling them, if that's what you mean.

No, but they shouldn't be ill -treated, though.

No -one's saying ill -treated, my dear, but the good Lord has put animals on

this earth for a purpose, and that purpose was to serve us.

Sammy put here as food for us to eat. Not in our butchers.

And Sammy put here because they make good boots.

I bought some meat off him last week.

And some because they make good clothes.

It certainly wasn't fresh.

You should have taken it back if it was bad.

No, I couldn't do that, Arthur. He sold it me as dog meat.

You haven't got a dog.

No, but he's always saying to me, buy your meat cheap, tell him it's for the

dog.

I wouldn't eat it myself.

I'd sooner go vegetarian.

But, I mean, if he don't mind, it's a saving, isn't it?

You... Well, you seem to enjoy it all right.

Wish you'd make your mind up. Don't matter what you do with him. He says,

dog meat because it's cheaper, and when I get it, look at him. Look at him.

Anyone think I've tried to poison him?

Some of that dog meat's all right, Alf. I mean, it can't do you no harm.

No, well, I wouldn't eat it myself.

But, I mean, you never know with him. He says one thing and means another.

I must say, I didn't like the look of it, though. I mean, not even for a dog.

I almost gave some to the dog next door. You know, bits I thought even he

wouldn't want. But I thought, no.

No. That poor creature's done me no harm.

And anyway, it's not my dog. And I mean, some people are very fussy what they

feed their animals.

Oh, do your own shopping in Couture if you don't like what I get you. I will,

don't you worry. Yeah. Probably that mad cow stuff.

That's the sort of thing they serve.

Yeah. One of the butchers stuck with it. He's got to knock it out somehow, I

suppose. Awful. That's what the butcher normally sells for dog meat. I'll get it

for mine. My dog loves it. Yeah, well, he didn't leave any.

Here's an animal you didn't mention. You said the Lord sends these animals here

to serve us. Dogs.

What do they do? How do they serve us? Well, they protect us, don't they? Well,

guard dogs, yeah. But not every dog's a guard. My dog does. My dog protects me.

I mean, when my missus gets one of her mad turns on, he comes in between us.

Saved me many a time here.

Don't he like her? Not this new one, don't.

Mind you, I had to train it.

What did you tell him?

Kill, kill.

What a good idea.

That was cheaper than divorce.

That's probably why them Rottweilers have got so popular. I'm sorry, Your

Honour. The dog got out of control.

He's aced his insurance.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Oldingbury. I was joking there.

How much are them, those Rottweilers? You know, just like a small one, a pup,

one I could train.

He wants looking at.

I was just coming out the door and bang, just picture of me right in the back of

the ear.

Glass everywhere.

Good job I had my hat on.

I'll have to get this picture reframed now.

Oh, this is not you.

Yeah.

Here, I recognise thee.

Yeah, this isn't you, is it?

A celebrity, eh? Good.

Now, I've heard of Artie Luscombe. You know, you're something of a legend round

here. Someone round here the other night was playing Artie Luscombe, best little

footballer Canning Town ever had.

Oi, oi, do you know who you've got here?

This is Artie Luscombe.

You remember Artie Luscombe? Oh, yes. Show her the picture.

All these years you've been coming in and I never... Oh, I

always knew there was something special about him. Yes, absolutely.

picture of you to put on the wall with all the other sporting stars.

Yeah, well, if you've got your camera, we'll do it now, yeah.

necklace and a Giorgio Armani pullover.

You're living better than you are, Mr Garnet. I bet it don't eat awful.

Oh, watch out, watch him. His name's Satan.

And I hope he don't think you're his dinner.

Don't move, son!

Mr Garnet.

Don't show fear!

He'll be on you. He'll rip your throat out.

You know all about that, don't you? You know how to face up to him. There's a

yard broom over there.

If you can get to it.

Look at that.

Pretending not to show any interest.

Just waiting till you make a move.

Then you'll have your... Come on, face up.

And I'm not quite in.

Quite docile. They won't give you any trouble.

Steady, Bella.

They're a bit lazy, so they won't want to walk too far. Just about a mile or

that's all.

A mile or so. You'll be lucky to buy it.

You'll sit down or so more likely.

Here's some biscuits.

Oh, that's nice. They'll give you your lunch.

Come on, you mush.

Come on.

Bitch, come on.

You do know I'm here.

You're fouling the verge.

I'll get him to use the public toilets, if you like.

There's no need for that attitude.

Here.

Use this.

What's he supposed to do, sit on this?

What, throw it in the bag?

No, shovel it in the bag when it's done.

Would you like me to wipe his bum when he's done?

Now what?

Take it with you.

It's not as bad as a runaway horse.

You can still walk, though.

The other arm's all right, is it?

Oh, yeah.

I can move this out.

Well, move it into your pocket and get some money out of it.

Thank you.

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