All language subtitles for In Sickness And In Health s05e04

Now, my old darling, they've laid her
down to rest, and now I'm missing her

all we are.

But they don't give a monkey's down at
the age of death, and they call it I'll

be pension for a star.

No, it won't be very long before I'm
tired, but I'll probably starve to

that's what I'll do.

But richer or poorer, I'm bloody poor,
that's a fact, just as in sickness and

health, that's what I'll do.

Here's your lunch.

What is it? Cheese.

Again? There's always cheese in this
house. Cheese for breakfast, cheese for

dinner, cheese for tea.

Cheese, cheese, cheese!

I'm not a bloody mouse, you know.

It's a ploughman, ploughman. I'm not a
ploughman, neither.

I like climb -up ladders, clean windows.
Bloody Ploughman doesn't have to do

that, does he?

Besides, Ploughman's lunch is beer with
it. I ain't even got enough money for a

cup of tea.

No, well, I haven't got any change
either.

Never mind, I'll have something hot for
you when you come home tonight.

Listen, can't you ask him for a sub for
a cup of tea?

Well, aren't you going?

Oh, my head.

I don't know why I'm expected about
climb -up ladders.

The one I'm replacing is not allowed to
climb up ladders because you're having

hip operation.

What about my hip? Oh, blimey, there's
some days I can't walk on it properly.

I'm blinded with the pain of it here.
Oh, how long is this supposed to go on

for? I mean, they passed you out, didn't
they?

Them? What do they know?

Why don't you go to Lourdes or somewhere
with that leg?

Because I'm not a Catholic, am I?

Well, you can join.

Well, just at a trip, you mean.

Well, I'm sure Lourdes could do a better
job on that leg than what them doctors

have done. Yeah, well, I mean, can you
go up Lourdes on the National Health?

Oh, I don't think so, no. I think you
have to go private.

But I'll ask Father Delaney.

Well, if that Lourdes is so good, I
don't see why we can't all go up there

the National Health.

Yeah, they've had marvellous cures
there, miracles.

I mean, people that the doctors have
given up.

How much did it cost to join you a lot?

Nothing. No, I mean...

With the trip to Lourdes thrown in is
what I mean.

Church won't pay for you to go to
Lourdes.

No, I suppose.

No, they won't pay for all of it, no.

I mean, do they do special rates, like,
for members?

What, a package, you mean?

Like butlings?

Yeah.

Well, like, half of it went to Skegness.
I mean, that was a special, wasn't it?

Yes, but Lourdes isn't like butlings, is
it? I don't know, do I?

Got water there, innit?

Yes, we have. Only water, isn't it?

They don't do boating and swimming,
innit?

Well, it's all sick people, is it?

Yes, cripples, lepers, people with all
sorts of things wrong with them.

Not jolly, then?

Well... If someone gets cured, they
throw their crutches up in the air and

everybody sings.

Well, it's jolly enough then, I should
think.

What about catching things?

I mean, all them sick people using the
same water. Don't get epidemics or

nothing, do they?

You have to have faith when you go
there.

I'd soon have inoculation.

I suppose it's not all that different
than going to hospital, really. I mean,

that's all sick people, isn't it?

Mind you, don't all have to share the
same bathwater in hospital, do you?

They must disinfectant the water up,
lords, eh?

Take a few precautions.

You all right?

You see your father Delaney, see what he
can do. If he can get me the necessary

forms to fill in, the DSS might chip in.

Yeah, you tell him.

I mean, if he can help me out, I'm not
ungrateful.

I'm willing to join up with you a lot.
But tell him I'm just an ordinary

pensioner, you know, so whatever the
subs are, I'm not a rich man.

Do you want to become a Catholic?

Well, I wouldn't mind.

I wouldn't want to leave my own lot,
though.

Well, I can speak to Father Delaney for
you. You'd have to take instruction,

though. Yeah, that's all right. But you
tell him I'm Church of England, not a

pagan or anything.

No, you'd have to learn the laws of the
church. Yeah, that's all right.

Here, they do allow drinking in your
church, do they?

Oh, yeah, of course, I've seen them.
Straight out of church and in the

boozer.

One of the best things about your lot,
innit?

They know how to be happy when they're
being holy.

Well, I don't mind joining.

Yeah, I don't mind giving it a go.

It would tip up the continent.

Yeah.

Look, I'll go and have a lay down, rest
it up a bit, you know, get it ready. You

fix things up.

And what about the window cleaning? Oh!

Mrs Carey is expecting you.

You'd drive me out of town if I was
dying, wouldn't you?

Well, I'm not going out to work just to
earn money for you to spend up that pub.

What?

you do, my dear.

Ah, but this has got engine.

Eh?

Have you drove engine before?

Well, I had a licence during the war.

Had a car, did you?

No, just a licence.

How did you start it?

Well, you pedal it. I just told you. And
then, when you get speed, you pull this

little lever here.

Oh, no, it might be that one there, or
it might be down... Well, anyway, it's

one of them.

Yeah, but, I mean, what about the
wheels?

Well, they go round.

I know that, but, I mean, you know, are
they solid?

Solid enough.

Well, I can't see the pump.

Oh. Well, no, he never mentioned nothing
about that. Yeah, well, it's all very

well, isn't it? I mean, say you get a
flat.

He's never had one.

He keeps air in them.

You need a pump for that.

This is the ladder.

You couldn't sub us a bit of money for a
cup of tea, could you? No, no, I ain't

got no change.

And besides, you won't have no time for
drinking tea. You've got a lot of

windows to clean. I ain't tired till
lunch break.

I don't want you sitting about in casts
all day.

I've got sandwiches, missy.

Sandwiches. That is a good business that
my Harry built up and I don't want you

spoiling it.

If it rains, they'll get wet.

Mr Garnet. What?

Is Walter in that bathroom?

You need A to Z.

Here. Yeah, I'm going to have my lunch
first.

Couldn't lend us a bit of change for a
cup of tea, could you, Alf?

I ain't got no change, Alf. Sorry.

Here, look.

Here you are, Father.

All me punters have agreed to donate 5 %
of their winnings to your help with the

children's fund.

Bless you, my son.

Here, do you fancy anything in the 230?

Here, look. This is Mrs. Holbury's holy
father collecting his winnings. Look at

it.

He's been gambling with a church he's
taken. That's what he's been doing. It's

marvellous, mate.

Supposed to be holy.

But, I mean, people paying half of it
and he gambles it.

I think they're joining his lot.

Well, become a Catholic.

I've just been a trip to Lourdes, you
know.

Do you think he gets inside information?

Well, they say God is everywhere. He
must hear some hot tips.

It's like there was a visit to that
church.

Become a Catholic.

If the father's willing to share his
tips with you.

Well, that ought not to be allowed,
Arthur. His jobs must be spreading

Christianity, not hanging around betting
shops.

They don't have enough to do, that's
their trouble. I mean, you just say a

prayers, you know, marry a few people,
christen a few people. Bury a few

That's the trouble with Christianity.

See, I don't blame the Lord, Arthur.
It's the people he employs.

But don't look hard enough at it. It's
the trouble.

I mean, can't be economical.

Employ all them vicars and priests.

Not seven days a week. I mean, they only
work the one day, Sunday.

And your confession Saturdays, the
Catholics?

All right, two days. Give them a couple
of days.

A couple of days a week.

And when they put in for a wage
increase, link it to higher productivity

they do with the rest of us.

Privatise them.

Subject your Christianity to market
forces.

Might be a bit more efficient that way.

And then the poor people are.

People like us.

The one the Lord loves.

Well, we might get a bit out of it
instead of having to traipse down a DSS

in the end. I mean, that Roman religion,
they're very rich, you know. Richer

than Marks and Spencers, they are.

Got more branches.

Got more branches than McDonald's, they
have.

Somebody ought to write to the Pope.

Let him know about the sort of labour
that he's employing.

I mean, if that was a bank manager
sitting in here picking up his pile of

winnings, I mean, his employers would
want to know what he was up to,

if it was none that he liked to drink.

You like a drink.

Not on duty, Arthur, not if I was a bank
manager.

I mean, there are certain jobs, Arthur,
and if you want to do them, there are

certain rules to apply.

When a bank manager can't roll into his
bank drunk, can he?

I don't suppose the father goes rolling
into his church drunk.

They have drink in there, Arthur. Mrs.
Oliver told me.

Pour themselves out a glass of wine when
they're working, they do.

Bank manager can't do that. People soon
start talking.

They're allowed to entertain their
customers.

Well, nobody's ever entertained me.

You haven't got a bank account, have
you?

I've got money in the post office. They
don't entertain me.

Never bought me a drink.

Look out, here he comes. Who? Mrs.
Oliver's father.

I thought I was God, I'd suck the
lovin'!

Wish I worked for God, Arthur.

He's a good employer, God is.

He don't sack you when you're 65 or make
you redundant.

Throw you on the mercies of the state.

Forced to live on a lousy rotten
pension.

No, he lets you stay on. Well looked
after, too.

You've got a job now. Not a job like the
only father's got.

You have to have a vocation to do work
like that, Al. I've got to find a

vocation for it.

Don't you worry.

The Lord saves while his only father
gambles with his money.

50p. I saw it too.

Hey, Lord.

Hey, look, we ain't got enough for a
drink, Alfred. It's a 50p, that's all.

I'll spend you for it. No, give me my
half, I'll get a cup of tea. Here, we'll

put it in here.

No! Yeah, come on, have a bit of a
gamble. No, look, half of that is mine.

Go on, then you have a go. There's five
goes for 50p. Look, get mine out again.

It's a bit late now.

I told you not to put it in the first
place. It's a waste, isn't it? Yeah,

is the time.

How mad you are.

I mean, we find some money and you throw
it away. I could have bought a cup of

tea with that.

Well, for 25p.

Well, I didn't want to gamble it, did I?
You never win on these bloody things.

I believe you wanted your 25p back.

That's one of my terms you won that on.

Well, go on.

Don't let on about this to anyone, eh?
Who?

Well, Mr.

Zollenbury, the DSS. I mean, them people
find out I can turn very nasty.

Mrs. Zollenbury?

Yeah, well, she'll want her share.

You don't want your missus to find out,
do you? No bloody fear.

Mum's the word thing. Right.

Oh, look at that.

Here, get a bag.

Put it in your pocket.

Why can't they lean out?

One good turn deserves another, doesn't
it?

Know what I mean?

Know what I mean?

Because there'll be more.

Follow me.

We could do with a new milkman.

Know what I mean?

Are

you

ready to pay in, then?

I've not got nothing to pay in, have I?

Yes, your window -cleaning money.

I didn't clean the windows, did I?

Well, one. A clean one.

Only one?

You've been out hours with this boy.

Well, I couldn't find the houses, could
I?

But it was all written down in that book
I gave you. No, it's just the names and

the names of the streets and people's...
I mean, look at that. Look, the

Sullivans. Young one every week, old one
once a fortnight.

That's right. Mrs Haggerty, not first,
see if she wants it.

LAUGHTER This looks like the Milton's
book, doesn't it?

Mrs Jones, front window only.

Mrs Carmichael, do not clean windows if
she's out. She won't pay unless she sees

you do them. I mean, what good is it?

Oh, my, Harry, he sat up two nights
writing this out. He thought it would

you. Well, why didn't he put the numbers
in then?

What numbers? Where they all live.

He knows where they all live. Yes, but I
don't, do I? There's only one number in

that book.

Carlisle Street, number 47.

And I got a feeling she wasn't expecting
her windows to be done today.

Oh.

Oh, you did take money, then.

Yeah, I... No, I told you.

Well, what's this, then? That's mine.

What, all of it? I don't believe you.
You didn't have no money when you left

here this morning. You wanted to borrow
money off of me. That was this morning.

Since then, I've come into a bit of good
fortune, didn't I?

Oh, what good fortune?

Oh, well, that's nothing to do with you,
is it?

I see you've been shopping and all.
Well, I said I'd take some things in for

Mrs. Olinbury.

You know, don't you, that you could be
sent to prison for stealing?

You what?

Look, give me the money and I'll say no
more. I'll deduct them groceries as

wages, but you are sacked.

I'm sure my Harry don't want nobody
dishonest working for him. Give me the

money! Gerald! Give me!

No! Thief!

Mugger!

I'll have the police on you.

Yeah, you're the one who'll have the
police on him, my dear.

lining. That ladder's not safe and that
bike wouldn't pass the MOT. We're not

going in for the MOT!

I don't know.

Where'd you get the money?

I've been working, haven't I?

Breadwinner.

Well, you saw me go. You cut my
sandwiches.

That's when Mrs Kerry said she never
paid you any money. All right, believe

Believe her, then. Call me a bloody
liar.

No, I want to believe you, but I can't
get any sense out of you. I mean, why

all this milk? Well, you're always
complaining we're short of milk. Yeah,

not that short. Ten pints. I mean, what
are we going to do with ten pints? The

milkman comes every day.

And all this butter and eggs.

All right, that's it.

I won't go shopping for you no more.

No, no, it's good of you to get it, I
know.

I mean, but why buy this amount at one
time?

What is it, four pounds of butter, two
dozen eggs, three?

It all comes in handy, I know. But why
buy so much at one time? We drink a lot

of tea, don't we?

Yes, and we'll be able to eat a lot of
eggs and put a lot of butter on our

bread. Except we never got any bread.

Well, I suppose I can cancel the milk
for the rest of the week.

Um, what?

Of our own milkmen, you mean?

What other milkmen?

Well, uh... Different milkmen come.

No. Yeah, they could.

They might.

Ah, we've had our milkmen years.

Yeah, but I mean, if a new milkman does
come, you let me know, eh? Let me handle

it. Let you handle it. Allow me, we
could open our own dairy, please.

Now, what I don't understand...

You stole a bag of money off her. A bag
of pound coins.

It's all in her mind. Where would I get
a bag of pound coins, eh?

God blimey. They can search me if they
like.

Any of them. Yes, well, they might
search the house. Who? The police.

What's she got to do with them? It's
none of their business.

No, but they'll make it their business
if she tells them that you stole it. I

ain't stole nothing. Are you sure?

Are you accusing me?

No, no, I just want to make sure.

How many more times have I got to tell
you? There is no bag of money, I swear

it. On your life, I swear it.

On my life?

All right, on my life.

On God's life!

All right.

If you say so.

I believe you.

Thank you.

If you didn't, where'd you get the money
to buy all these groceries, eh?

Four pounds of butter, two dozen eggs...
Bloody throttler.

Oh, God, here comes another fog warning.

Hey, I'm over there.

Good evening.

Hello there. Is this your... lady that's
right that's my spouse over there oh

yeah what a lovely man one of the best
here I'll have some nice bacon for you

tomorrow. We carry it on the cart now.
I'll drop you off a pound or so. Oh, no,

thank you, no, thank you. No, we're only
pensioners. I mean, we couldn't afford

pounds of bacon. Oh, you don't have to
worry about that, missies.

There's no charge for his ironies here.
Not this gentleman.

I've known him since 47.

Eh? Know what I mean?

47. 47.

Let me get you good people a drink.

Yeah, right.

Mr Garnet, you haven't cleaned many
windows, have you?

One. I cleaned one, Harry. That was
enough.

Not enough for me.

You're cut.

You can't do that, Sonny Jim. I'll take
you up in front of the tribunal.

You've got to give me a fortnight's
notice or the money in lieu of.

I'll give you in lieu of. You give me
a... Double contract. I've got a

You're a witness, Arthur.

Right, Robert.

Here you are, then.

One week.

You wouldn't last two weeks in any job.

Think of yourself lucky.

Bloody expensive for one window.

Bloody expensive.

Cheers.

I'm not drinking in here.

Thief.

You've had a good day, huh?

Glorious day, Arthur.

The sort of day you pray for, you know.

Well, nothing turns up to spoil it. Nah.

He's on my side now.

Congratulations, you two, eh? You lucky
sods. No, I've heard, I've heard. Eh?

Won the jackpot up with the British
Legion?

Did it?

100 sods, was it? Was it a 15 -sod
thing?

and never bought nobody a drink, eh?
Never spent a penny on it. You're meant

bung a bit, an etiquette, have a big win
-up.

You said there wasn't any money. Yeah,
well, just try to keep it dark, you

You swore there was no money.

Don't tell every Tom, Dick and Harry
that sort of thing. You've got to keep

yourself. I mean, you know, the DSS, I
mean, them people find out. You swore?

On your life?

On my life at first?

Mum, I could have dropped dead.

You swore to me there was no money.

Look... Stick your...

Now look what you've done.

She will come round.

Are you going to get me a drink? Sod
off.

I'll buy you a drink.

I've got to buy one for myself.

Don't worry, Mr Garnet. Think about your
winning.

A hundred thousand, was it?

What am I going to tell her?

Tell her the truth.

What truth?

That you lied.

Thank you.