Original subtitles

later down to rest, and now I'm missing her with all me heart.

But they don't give a monkey's down at the age of death, and they've gone and

I'll be pensioned for a start.

So it won't be very long before I'm pious, because I'll probably starve to

death, that's what I'll do.

But richer or poorer, I'm bloody poor, that's the fact, just because it's

sickness and it helps hospital too.

Well,

I'll be off now.

Don't want to be late first morning in my new job.

Goodbye.

Are you still sulking?

I just spell will.

What, like on a bike? No.

Will, like a last will and testament. You're a dance, you are.

You're not much of a scholar yourself if you can't spell will, are you? I just

want to be sure that's all. This is a legal document.

Don't want no slip -ups.

Yeah, well, I've got to go. Now, look, there's a bit of cheese out there you

have for your lunch if you can bring yourself to cut a sandwich.

Don't bother.

Don't matter.

I won't be needing lunch. Not where I'm going.

No, well, it's out there if you want it.

Now, don't suppose I should be back till late.

So if you go out before I come home, leave the old light on. Because I don't

want to come home to a dark house.

Turn it on now as you go out. What's wrong with you? You can turn it on

I won't be here later.

I've made my decision.

I don't want anyone interfering, trying to stop me. I know you won't be here

later. That's why I'm asking you, turn it on before you go. Don't worry about

the lights. I'll turn them all on.

Oh, God, you are a strange man.

What's the matter with you?

Just the all light will do.

I mean, you're annoyed, aren't you? Because I'm taking this job.

Annoyed me?

Because you took a job. Why would you imagine I would be annoyed?

You'd rather cook and clean for strangers. People don't know you.

Don't care enough for you.

You've got no feeling for those that mean most or closest.

I've got no claim, I know that. I mean nothing, I know that. I'm only the

who thought that sounding a bit more than friendship might be growing back.

I expected too much, I suppose.

And I can't speak.

I know that. I mustn't say what I feel. I'm the only one good hip. I mustn't

speak my feelings.

You are stupid.

I mean, I've been offered good money to cook and clean for that couple down the

street. Why can't they cook and clean for themselves?

Nothing wrong with them. They're young and fit and healthy.

Because they have to go out to work all day.

And they can afford to have someone come in and do for them.

And besides, it had nothing to do with the money. You could have earned money.

You could have gone to the council and said you wanted to earn money looking

after me. I'm entitled. I used to have a social worker. No.

It was your wife who was entitled to a social worker, God rest her soul, not

you. Look, Winston... Well, they took Winston away.

Yes, because somebody grasped. No, they discovered that your wife, God rest her

soul, had died.

And you wasn't entitled to a social worker. That's all it was.

How do they expect me to get around with artificial hip, eh? Oh, same as anyone

else who's got one. You're lucky to have artificial hip. Lucky? Yeah, there's

queues waiting for them. There's queues waiting for all sorts of operations.

I wouldn't call them lucky. Oh, you know what I mean.

No, I don't know what you mean.

If you'd have wanted, you could have gone to the council and said you wanted

job as a social worker looking after me and they might have paid you money.

I've already got the wheelchair out there.

That was given to your wife, God rest her soul, not you.

She left it to me, God rest her soul.

It wasn't her wheelchair to leave, God rest her soul. That was the council's

wheelchair. You're going to tell them now. You're going to grass on me, are

No, none of my business. I'm glad you admit that. If you want to be the

of stolen goods, well, I mean, that's on your conscience, because it's not on

mine. You hypocrite! Who takes that fleeting wheelchair up the shop and

her shopping back in it?

Who rides in it, eh? Who rides in it when I'm daft enough to push it just

because you make out that your corns are playing you up and you can't walk

another step because your feet are killing you, eh?

Eh? And threatens not to be able to cook my dinner for me if I don't push you in

it, eh?

And who used to go to football in it till he was caught?

on him hand and foot if I was daft enough to do it. If they was daft enough

believe a cock and bull story like that. Look. Look, you don't think they'd

employ one old age pensioner to look after another old age pensioner, do you?

And anyway, if they did and they paid me, which they'd have to, because I

wouldn't do it for nothing, it wouldn't be cash money, would it?

And that's what that young couple down the street are paying me, cash in hand.

No questions asked, as you're always saying.

And you call me hypocrite.

No, I didn't call you hypocrite. You called me hypocrite.

I don't know how you had the bare face to front me. To set foot in that church

of yours on a Sunday, I do not know.

I mean, I only hope you don't put none of that cash money in the plate when it

comes round, involving the Lord in your illegal transactions.

Oh, I'm sure the good Lord would see no great harm in a poor old -age pensioner

managing to keep a few hard -earned shillings out of the grasping hands of

Patter and her Protestant government.

And anyway, he could always pay the tax on it if he wanted to. Anyway, I'm late

and I don't want to be. Now, the bread and cheese is out there if you want it.

Don't worry about me, my dear.

I've got my own solution here.

Have you got enough aspirin, sir?

Enough of what I need.

What you got? Headache? Hangover?

Hangover?

Where would I find enough money to afford hangover? You don't understand,

do you? What I've got is in here.

I ache in here.

It's indigestion.

You eat too fast, I'm always telling you.

I leave all my worldly goods

to... Anything here you

want? I want... This stuff!

My worldly goods!

No, thank you.

No, there's nothing here I want.

If you expect me to marry you and move down here with you, I shall want to

most of this stuff out.

My stuff's much better than this.

You're not shunning my furniture.

Well, it.

You don't imagine anyone would buy this, do you? I mean, it is so shabby.

I've tried cleaning it, but the dirt seems to be ground into it.

I think we'll have to pay someone to take it. I mean, the duckman might, if

give him a drink.

Lord, that's got memories attached to it, that furniture house.

Memories? It's got more than memories attached to it. It's probably running

alive.

Look,

look, dust of ages.

Well, don't look at me. You're supposed to be the woman in the house. Not in

this part of the house, yet.

And look at this table. It's not fit to eat on. Not fit for anything.

God, that's all it's fit for.

Nothing wrong with that table. It's clean. There's no dust on that.

You eat your dinner off that table without a plate.

Yeah, it looks like somebody else.

No, get rid of it. Let's get rid of all of it and bring my stuff down here. I

want my own furniture.

But my stuff's much better. It's more comfortable. It's cleaner. And it's your

husband's. Well, what's that got to do with it? He's gone. Yes, and so will I

soon. But until I am, I'm not sitting in his chair and I'm not laying in his

bed. No, no.

In half an hour, that dust will be back on it again. But not my dust.

Not all for me.

Oh, my God.

Here you are.

More dust.

Is that my dust? I ain't been in this room since Pelly left.

That thick dust, that's Pelly's dust. No, you can't blame Pelly.

He took his dust with him. I made him clean this room thorough before he left

it. Besides, Pelly's been gone for months.

See? And look.

is the same colour as our dust.

Look, here.

More dust.

I haven't been in that today.

You haven't been in it for months.

Sick dust.

Yeah, well, I'm not surprised.

Clear that dust out of there and be back again in half an hour, thicker than

ever. Yeah, of course it will if you don't use it. No, it don't matter.

All your cleaning and dusting, it don't matter.

All your rubbing and scrubbing.

others in the air. You turn it back and boom, boom.

It's back again.

Thicker than ever.

Well, I'm always polishing and cleaning.

My poor old Scott Raster, she was always polishing and cleaning.

Almost wore her arms out. She did rubbing and scrubbing. What for, eh?

The dust is still there.

More, if anything.

We have to do it regular.

No, you spend your life doing it regular. You'll never get rid of it. And

know for why?

Because it's us.

That's what the dust is. Us.

Well, where does it come from? I don't know.

They think to me that every house that's built is built with a certain amount of

dust in it.

No matter how much you rub and scrub, you'll never get rid of it. It's in the

air we breathe.

And if it's not in your lungs, it's on the furniture.

And the only way to control it...

..is

to damp it down.

You'd be slipping off it.

Don't raise the dust by banging on the furniture.

Let it lay.

Let it lay or it'll choke you. Let it be. Look at this room. Look at it, what

you've done now.

You've filled it full of bloody dust.

It'll be hours before that settles again.

Well, I'm going to work. Oh, yes, that's it. Leave me with a room full of dust.

Leave me to choke to death.

Oh, yes.

You'll do things for others, won't you, eh? Yes. You'll cook and clean for them.

Yes.

Yes, well, never mind.

There may be, but she don't come in and say, yeah, I was a bit more of a

drinker, a bit of tobacco.

Not that I take it, Arthur, I've got me prize, you know.

Listen, I'm not getting hot lunches now, you know, nothing like that.

If I'm not up early enough in the morning before she leaves the house, I

even get her cooked breakfast. I mean, she's hardly going the right way about

getting me to marry her, is she?

I thought you two were getting on well.

Could do, Arthur, could do.

If only she'd show a bit more thought and consideration. I am the man in here.

Keep telling her that. I'm the one who wears the trousers.

But she seems to take me for granted. Seems to think I'll always be there.

she might have a bit of a shock coming to her.

She might come home one day and find something a bit more than she's

for.

I'll tell you something, Arthur.

The more I see of life and the way people treat you,

The alternative starts to look a lot better, I don't mind telling you. What,

dying?

Heaven and all that, you mean?

Or hell.

It wouldn't be much worse living here than it is here.

At least you wouldn't have any fuel bills to worry about. You wouldn't have

worry about hypothermia, either.

It's warm enough down there.

Bloody sight, warmer.

Try to live in my house than one by an electric, I tell you. And better looked

after, too, probably.

Yeah. The devil might be an evil old bastard, but I bet he looks after his

Which is more than can be said for some supposed to be loved ones we have to put

up with.

Oh, blimey.

I've got no worries about, you know, where I'm going.

Although I say it myself, I think I've done enough down here to guarantee a

decent place up there with the Lord.

If heaven's half as good as they say it is, and according to your churches, it's

going to be the longest and best holiday you've ever had, Why are you so unhappy

about going up there, Mr Garnett?

Not unhappy? I want to go up there.

Yeah, but in your own time, eh? You're in no hurry, are you? Not just you.

Everybody's the same.

The slightest illness, the slightest risk, you might pop your clogs, you rush

the doctors. Oh, cure me, cure me. I don't want to die.

Government. spending millions on a national health service, trying to keep

everyone alive so they can stay here forever.

You know what? If I was God, I'd say, oh, right.

You don't want to come up here to my heaven, this wonderful paradise I've

for you.

You're not keen. You prefer it where you are.

Well, sod you then. You can go to hell.

I mean, we all like to hang on down here till the last minute, don't we? Yeah, I

mean, that's... Spare the loved ones, innit? I mean, the sorrow of your

departure. I mean, we'll meet them all again when we go up there.

What, everyone who's ever died?

Oh, they'll all be up there.

Be a bit crowded, wouldn't it? A bit crowded?

What, bigger than England? Oh, much bigger, yeah.

Can you imagine space?

Yeah. No, I mean the whole infinity of space.

Yeah.

What's that mean, infinity?

Well, think of the biggest thing that you can think of.

Infinity is a billion, billion times bigger than that.

Only bigger.

Yeah.

Where are you starting from?

Anywhere. And heaven's bigger than that?

Yeah.

Well, you might not be so crowded up there, then. No.

Except on a Saturday when everyone's going shopping.

And these football hooligans on the way to your West Ham, scratching my car with

a front door key. 50 quid, that cost me getting it marked out.

Yeah,

well, I mean, what about the Queen?

When he takes her, God forbid, I mean, when she dies, where's she going to

I mean, she wouldn't want to live next door to the likes of...

Ken Livingston or Arthur Scarborough.

Or you.

Nah, of course, it wouldn't be heaven with them up there, would it? No, but I

mean, where is she going to be?

Will she have her own palace up there, or will she have to live with God?

What, you mean a grace and favour house?

Well, it won't be a two -up -two -down -outside toilet, will it?

You don't really believe all this fairy -story stuff, do you, about heaven and

hell? Everybody believes in it.

I don't. Well, it don't matter what you believe in.

Archbishop of Canterbury believes in it. He goes to church, doesn't he?

Well, it's his job.

No, I imagine the Queen believes in it, and Mrs.

Thatcher, she believes in it, and even Neil Kinnock, he believes in it. He's

atheist.

He goes to church.

It's PR, it's PR. He just pays it lip service.

Listen, you don't think he's going to come right out with it and say he's an

atheist in a Christian country. You don't expect to be Prime Minister, do

He's not daft. He wants his vote.

I expect he's willing to say he's anything to get those.

Did he even say he was a socialist?

Don't matter about Neil Kinnock, he don't count him in his Church of Wales,

innit?

No, I mean, look, Harold Wilson always got his church, doesn't he? He sits

in the front, he does, wherever he wants to see him. You think he's going to

heaven? Well, he might.

Had to change his tune a bit first.

God would probably say, all right, Harold, you can come in, but don't want

of your bloody socialism up here, mate.

It's like a democracy. We don't have no elections up here.

We had enough of that with bloody Lucifer, with his secret ballots and his

militant tendency. I told him, I said, look, I said, up here, mate, everyone is

equal under me. I'm in charge.

So you can forget about your glasnost and your perisher striker. Otherwise,

you'll find yourself relegated, my son.

Yeah, well, see, it's probably...

Just a journey up there to heaven, Arthur, that worries most of us.

Journey? Well, I mean, there's bound to be a lot of travelling. I mean, of all

that you can gather, it's not just round the corner, is it?

I mean... See...

It's not just the dying, Arthur.

How did you get up there? Where did you go?

A box? Well, there you are. I mean, it's not the best way to travel, is it?

Well, that's nothing. I mean, that's only the first stage, isn't it? Yeah,

mean, what if you got close to foul beer, sonny?

It don't matter, do it? I mean, you've gone.

But have you?

Well, they wouldn't bury if you have them, would they? No, but you could be

trance or something.

Look, the doctor, the undertaker, they all know.

Yes, but do they, Arthur? I mean...

Well, they know that you're not yourself. They know there's something

wrong, but none of them's ever been dead.

They've got no experience of how you're supposed to get up there or what the

Lord expects.

I mean, you could be wandering about in limbo for all eternity because some fool

down here has sodded it up for you. I mean, the Lord, he could be calling to

and you can't get out and go to him because they've screwed you down in a...

Bloody box.

Don't worry.

You'll be all right.

They can't leave you lying on your bed or sitting up in a chair forever, can

they?

Might be a bit safe if they did.

They're inclined to get you down a bit too quick these days, you ask me,

You'd be the first one to complain if they had dead bodies lying all over the

place.

Don't worry.

If we was doing it wrong, we would have been notified.

You believe you're going up there, don't you?

Yeah.

And you believe that he can get you up there?

Yeah. Well, if he can get people up there, he can get them down again.

What was the message like?

What, saying you ain't been packed right?

Wish we knew more about it, though.

About what?

Well, about that, about the travelling, about how I expect you to get up there,

you know, and what do you take with you for the journey, like. I mean, how long

is it? Do you have to stop over anywhere and walk close and some means of

identification, let people know who you are, like a passport, something like

that, and let them know you're English.

And visas, things like that. I mean, a lot of people think they don't travel

well off. I mean, for instance...

For instance, I mean, a lot of people are very nervous about flying.

Well, there you are. I mean, it's a worry, isn't it? I mean, what vehicle?

it's the unknown, Arthur. I mean, I'd be off tomorrow if I thought, you know...

If you could go by train.

You can't. You see, that's my point. You can't go by train.

You can't go by British Rail, that's for sure.

You wouldn't be all that trying to see if you went by British Rail.

Nor boat, nor car.

Otherwise, you could stay in a funeral car, go all the way in that, and then

they wouldn't have to drop you off into... All in the ground.

But, you see, there's nothing in the scriptures, Arthur. There's no

of how you're expected to get up there.

Well, you do this, an angel, an angel of the Lord will come down and carry you

up.

angel of the Lord or not, I wouldn't fancy flying on the back of one of them

down to Bournemouth, let alone off space.

It would probably be different then. It would probably be like a caterpillar

when it turned into a butterfly.

See, it leaves its whole skin behind and then... Oh.

What, fly there yourself?

Yeah.

Oh, I can't see that half.

I can't be expected to start flying, not at my age.

Besides,

You'll be a different thing.

No, I don't think I fancy that. I mean, I'm used to what I am now. I don't want

to be another thing. Bloody butterfly, sonny.

No, no.

You go as yourself. I mean, that's obvious, isn't it? Otherwise nobody

recognise you. Nobody would know who you was.

Anyway, if you was a butterfly, I mean, somebody would come along and wallop.

That's it.

That's all your years in eternity up the spout, isn't it?

We could go together.

What?

Suicide pact.

I mean, we've always got on.

And what have we got down here that's so special that it's worth living for?

Well, I've got this new hip, haven't I?

I've got a bit in the post office.

I'd be daft to leave that behind. I wouldn't want to do that, would I?

Besides, it's a sin.

What? To take your own life. It's a crime, even.

Yeah, but they can't do nothing.

They can if they catch you. They'll put you in prison.

Well, if they catch you, how can they catch us? We'll be gone.

Yeah, but, I mean, if you fail or something, attempted suicide, I mean,

put you inside for that. I don't want to do time, not at my age.

Look, if all you're worried about is getting caught, you go first.

Eh? Look, I'll do it to you and make sure you're good and gone. And when

safely on your way, I'll do it to myself.

That's murder.

Well, I suppose it's a technicality, really. I mean, neither of us will be

to argue it with them.

I don't think I fancy that. I mean, you might change your mind. I mean, I've got

no guarantee of it.

All right, then.

I'll go first. You do it to me.

Oh, yeah, and I'm the one who gets strung up. They don't do that now.

My bloody rotten luck is they bring a bill in through Parliament when I'm

up for trial. No, thank you very much.

Look, we'll go together.

Hand in hand, off one of the bridges into the river.

I can't swim.

Well?

Well, I'm fancy drowning.

You got a gas stove?

You can't get two heads in that.

And besides, I know this is my gas bill you want to use.

Heaven, Elf, perfect utopia, paradise.

God awaiting with open arms your host for all eternity.

Patience, Arthur, patience.

He'll call us when he's ready. You don't want to go pushing up front, you know.

You wait your turn.

I mean, there's others who might need to be up there more than us.

I mean, it's different for you. You're more upset about things than I am. Well,

you're more miserable than I am, for starters.

Well, you've got that awful wife of yours. I mean, I don't think he would

at that as a sin, not if you took your own life, not with a wife like that.

They say this stuff can kill you, if you drink enough of it.

Blimey, look at the time.

Where's she got to?

It can't have still been working, not at this hour.

It's sort of a bloody war right if I did do away with myself.

I was like talking to a child, really is.

Oh!

Oh, I thought you'd gone out.

Wake up!

I've brought you some dinner home and it's...

I bought these for you.

In case you didn't have enough.

I'll probably starve to death, that's what I'll do.

But richer or poorer, I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact. That's because it's the

Christmas and it helps us, that I'll do.

It's the Christmas and it helps us.