All language subtitles for In Sickness And In Health s05e02

later down to rest, and now I'm missing
her with all me heart.

But they don't give a monkey's down at
the age of death, and they've gone and

I'll be pensioned for a start.

So it won't be very long before I'm
pious, because I'll probably starve to

death, that's what I'll do.

But richer or poorer, I'm bloody poor,
that's the fact, just because it's

sickness and it helps hospital too.

Well,

I'll be off now.

Don't want to be late first morning in
my new job.

Goodbye.

Are you still sulking?

I just spell will.

What, like on a bike? No.

Will, like a last will and testament.
You're a dance, you are.

You're not much of a scholar yourself if
you can't spell will, are you? I just

want to be sure that's all. This is a
legal document.

Don't want no slip -ups.

Yeah, well, I've got to go. Now, look,
there's a bit of cheese out there you

have for your lunch if you can bring
yourself to cut a sandwich.

Don't bother.

Don't matter.

I won't be needing lunch. Not where I'm
going.

No, well, it's out there if you want it.

Now, don't suppose I should be back till
late.

So if you go out before I come home,
leave the old light on. Because I don't

want to come home to a dark house.

Turn it on now as you go out. What's
wrong with you? You can turn it on

I won't be here later.

I've made my decision.

I don't want anyone interfering, trying
to stop me. I know you won't be here

later. That's why I'm asking you, turn
it on before you go. Don't worry about

the lights. I'll turn them all on.

Oh, God, you are a strange man.

What's the matter with you?

Just the all light will do.

I mean, you're annoyed, aren't you?
Because I'm taking this job.

Annoyed me?

Because you took a job. Why would you
imagine I would be annoyed?

You'd rather cook and clean for
strangers. People don't know you.

Don't care enough for you.

You've got no feeling for those that
mean most or closest.

I've got no claim, I know that. I mean
nothing, I know that. I'm only the

who thought that sounding a bit more
than friendship might be growing back.

I expected too much, I suppose.

And I can't speak.

I know that. I mustn't say what I feel.
I'm the only one good hip. I mustn't

speak my feelings.

You are stupid.

I mean, I've been offered good money to
cook and clean for that couple down the

street. Why can't they cook and clean
for themselves?

Nothing wrong with them. They're young
and fit and healthy.

Because they have to go out to work all
day.

And they can afford to have someone come
in and do for them.

And besides, it had nothing to do with
the money. You could have earned money.

You could have gone to the council and
said you wanted to earn money looking

after me. I'm entitled. I used to have a
social worker. No.

It was your wife who was entitled to a
social worker, God rest her soul, not

you. Look, Winston... Well, they took
Winston away.

Yes, because somebody grasped. No, they
discovered that your wife, God rest her

soul, had died.

And you wasn't entitled to a social
worker. That's all it was.

How do they expect me to get around with
artificial hip, eh? Oh, same as anyone

else who's got one. You're lucky to have
artificial hip. Lucky? Yeah, there's

queues waiting for them. There's queues
waiting for all sorts of operations.

I wouldn't call them lucky. Oh, you know
what I mean.

No, I don't know what you mean.

If you'd have wanted, you could have
gone to the council and said you wanted

job as a social worker looking after me
and they might have paid you money.

I've already got the wheelchair out
there.

That was given to your wife, God rest
her soul, not you.

She left it to me, God rest her soul.

It wasn't her wheelchair to leave, God
rest her soul. That was the council's

wheelchair. You're going to tell them
now. You're going to grass on me, are

No, none of my business. I'm glad you
admit that. If you want to be the

of stolen goods, well, I mean, that's on
your conscience, because it's not on

mine. You hypocrite! Who takes that
fleeting wheelchair up the shop and

her shopping back in it?

Who rides in it, eh? Who rides in it
when I'm daft enough to push it just

because you make out that your corns are
playing you up and you can't walk

another step because your feet are
killing you, eh?

Eh? And threatens not to be able to cook
my dinner for me if I don't push you in

it, eh?

And who used to go to football in it
till he was caught?

on him hand and foot if I was daft
enough to do it. If they was daft enough

believe a cock and bull story like that.
Look. Look, you don't think they'd

employ one old age pensioner to look
after another old age pensioner, do you?

And anyway, if they did and they paid
me, which they'd have to, because I

wouldn't do it for nothing, it wouldn't
be cash money, would it?

And that's what that young couple down
the street are paying me, cash in hand.

No questions asked, as you're always
saying.

And you call me hypocrite.

No, I didn't call you hypocrite. You
called me hypocrite.

I don't know how you had the bare face
to front me. To set foot in that church

of yours on a Sunday, I do not know.

I mean, I only hope you don't put none
of that cash money in the plate when it

comes round, involving the Lord in your
illegal transactions.

Oh, I'm sure the good Lord would see no
great harm in a poor old -age pensioner

managing to keep a few hard -earned
shillings out of the grasping hands of

Patter and her Protestant government.

And anyway, he could always pay the tax
on it if he wanted to. Anyway, I'm late

and I don't want to be. Now, the bread
and cheese is out there if you want it.

Don't worry about me, my dear.

I've got my own solution here.

Have you got enough aspirin, sir?

Enough of what I need.

What you got? Headache? Hangover?

Hangover?

Where would I find enough money to
afford hangover? You don't understand,

do you? What I've got is in here.

I ache in here.

It's indigestion.

You eat too fast, I'm always telling
you.

I leave all my worldly goods

to... Anything here you

want? I want... This stuff!

My worldly goods!

No, thank you.

No, there's nothing here I want.

If you expect me to marry you and move
down here with you, I shall want to

most of this stuff out.

My stuff's much better than this.

You're not shunning my furniture.

Well, it.

You don't imagine anyone would buy this,
do you? I mean, it is so shabby.

I've tried cleaning it, but the dirt
seems to be ground into it.

I think we'll have to pay someone to
take it. I mean, the duckman might, if

give him a drink.

Lord, that's got memories attached to
it, that furniture house.

Memories? It's got more than memories
attached to it. It's probably running

alive.

Look,

look, dust of ages.

Well, don't look at me. You're supposed
to be the woman in the house. Not in

this part of the house, yet.

And look at this table. It's not fit to
eat on. Not fit for anything.

God, that's all it's fit for.

Nothing wrong with that table. It's
clean. There's no dust on that.

You eat your dinner off that table
without a plate.

Yeah, it looks like somebody else.

No, get rid of it. Let's get rid of all
of it and bring my stuff down here. I

want my own furniture.

But my stuff's much better. It's more
comfortable. It's cleaner. And it's your

husband's. Well, what's that got to do
with it? He's gone. Yes, and so will I

soon. But until I am, I'm not sitting in
his chair and I'm not laying in his

bed. No, no.

In half an hour, that dust will be back
on it again. But not my dust.

Not all for me.

Oh, my God.

Here you are.

More dust.

Is that my dust? I ain't been in this
room since Pelly left.

That thick dust, that's Pelly's dust.
No, you can't blame Pelly.

He took his dust with him. I made him
clean this room thorough before he left

it. Besides, Pelly's been gone for
months.

See? And look.

is the same colour as our dust.

Look, here.

More dust.

I haven't been in that today.

You haven't been in it for months.

Sick dust.

Yeah, well, I'm not surprised.

Clear that dust out of there and be back
again in half an hour, thicker than

ever. Yeah, of course it will if you
don't use it. No, it don't matter.

All your cleaning and dusting, it don't
matter.

All your rubbing and scrubbing.

others in the air. You turn it back and
boom, boom.

It's back again.

Thicker than ever.

Well, I'm always polishing and cleaning.

My poor old Scott Raster, she was always
polishing and cleaning.

Almost wore her arms out. She did
rubbing and scrubbing. What for, eh?

The dust is still there.

More, if anything.

We have to do it regular.

No, you spend your life doing it
regular. You'll never get rid of it. And

know for why?

Because it's us.

That's what the dust is. Us.

Well, where does it come from? I don't
know.

They think to me that every house that's
built is built with a certain amount of

dust in it.

No matter how much you rub and scrub,
you'll never get rid of it. It's in the

air we breathe.

And if it's not in your lungs, it's on
the furniture.

And the only way to control it...

..is

to damp it down.

You'd be slipping off it.

Don't raise the dust by banging on the
furniture.

Let it lay.

Let it lay or it'll choke you. Let it
be. Look at this room. Look at it, what

you've done now.

You've filled it full of bloody dust.

It'll be hours before that settles
again.

Well, I'm going to work. Oh, yes, that's
it. Leave me with a room full of dust.

Leave me to choke to death.

Oh, yes.

You'll do things for others, won't you,
eh? Yes. You'll cook and clean for them.

Yes.

Yes, well, never mind.

There may be, but she don't come in and
say, yeah, I was a bit more of a

drinker, a bit of tobacco.

Not that I take it, Arthur, I've got me
prize, you know.

Listen, I'm not getting hot lunches now,
you know, nothing like that.

If I'm not up early enough in the
morning before she leaves the house, I

even get her cooked breakfast. I mean,
she's hardly going the right way about

getting me to marry her, is she?

I thought you two were getting on well.

Could do, Arthur, could do.

If only she'd show a bit more thought
and consideration. I am the man in here.

Keep telling her that. I'm the one who
wears the trousers.

But she seems to take me for granted.
Seems to think I'll always be there.

she might have a bit of a shock coming
to her.

She might come home one day and find
something a bit more than she's

for.

I'll tell you something, Arthur.

The more I see of life and the way
people treat you,

The alternative starts to look a lot
better, I don't mind telling you. What,

dying?

Heaven and all that, you mean?

Or hell.

It wouldn't be much worse living here
than it is here.

At least you wouldn't have any fuel
bills to worry about. You wouldn't have

worry about hypothermia, either.

It's warm enough down there.

Bloody sight, warmer.

Try to live in my house than one by an
electric, I tell you. And better looked

after, too, probably.

Yeah. The devil might be an evil old
bastard, but I bet he looks after his

Which is more than can be said for some
supposed to be loved ones we have to put

up with.

Oh, blimey.

I've got no worries about, you know,
where I'm going.

Although I say it myself, I think I've
done enough down here to guarantee a

decent place up there with the Lord.

If heaven's half as good as they say it
is, and according to your churches, it's

going to be the longest and best holiday
you've ever had, Why are you so unhappy

about going up there, Mr Garnett?

Not unhappy? I want to go up there.

Yeah, but in your own time, eh? You're
in no hurry, are you? Not just you.

Everybody's the same.

The slightest illness, the slightest
risk, you might pop your clogs, you rush

the doctors. Oh, cure me, cure me. I
don't want to die.

Government. spending millions on a
national health service, trying to keep

everyone alive so they can stay here
forever.

You know what? If I was God, I'd say,
oh, right.

You don't want to come up here to my
heaven, this wonderful paradise I've

for you.

You're not keen. You prefer it where you
are.

Well, sod you then. You can go to hell.

I mean, we all like to hang on down here
till the last minute, don't we? Yeah, I

mean, that's... Spare the loved ones,
innit? I mean, the sorrow of your

departure. I mean, we'll meet them all
again when we go up there.

What, everyone who's ever died?

Oh, they'll all be up there.

Be a bit crowded, wouldn't it? A bit
crowded?

What, bigger than England? Oh, much
bigger, yeah.

Can you imagine space?

Yeah. No, I mean the whole infinity of
space.

Yeah.

What's that mean, infinity?

Well, think of the biggest thing that
you can think of.

Infinity is a billion, billion times
bigger than that.

Only bigger.

Yeah.

Where are you starting from?

Anywhere. And heaven's bigger than that?

Yeah.

Well, you might not be so crowded up
there, then. No.

Except on a Saturday when everyone's
going shopping.

And these football hooligans on the way
to your West Ham, scratching my car with

a front door key. 50 quid, that cost me
getting it marked out.

Yeah,

well, I mean, what about the Queen?

When he takes her, God forbid, I mean,
when she dies, where's she going to

I mean, she wouldn't want to live next
door to the likes of...

Ken Livingston or Arthur Scarborough.

Or you.

Nah, of course, it wouldn't be heaven
with them up there, would it? No, but I

mean, where is she going to be?

Will she have her own palace up there,
or will she have to live with God?

What, you mean a grace and favour house?

Well, it won't be a two -up -two -down
-outside toilet, will it?

You don't really believe all this fairy
-story stuff, do you, about heaven and

hell? Everybody believes in it.

I don't. Well, it don't matter what you
believe in.

Archbishop of Canterbury believes in it.
He goes to church, doesn't he?

Well, it's his job.

No, I imagine the Queen believes in it,
and Mrs.

Thatcher, she believes in it, and even
Neil Kinnock, he believes in it. He's

atheist.

He goes to church.

It's PR, it's PR. He just pays it lip
service.

Listen, you don't think he's going to
come right out with it and say he's an

atheist in a Christian country. You
don't expect to be Prime Minister, do

He's not daft. He wants his vote.

I expect he's willing to say he's
anything to get those.

Did he even say he was a socialist?

Don't matter about Neil Kinnock, he
don't count him in his Church of Wales,

innit?

No, I mean, look, Harold Wilson always
got his church, doesn't he? He sits

in the front, he does, wherever he wants
to see him. You think he's going to

heaven? Well, he might.

Had to change his tune a bit first.

God would probably say, all right,
Harold, you can come in, but don't want

of your bloody socialism up here, mate.

It's like a democracy. We don't have no
elections up here.

We had enough of that with bloody
Lucifer, with his secret ballots and his

militant tendency. I told him, I said,
look, I said, up here, mate, everyone is

equal under me. I'm in charge.

So you can forget about your glasnost
and your perisher striker. Otherwise,

you'll find yourself relegated, my son.

Yeah, well, see, it's probably...

Just a journey up there to heaven,
Arthur, that worries most of us.

Journey? Well, I mean, there's bound to
be a lot of travelling. I mean, of all

that you can gather, it's not just round
the corner, is it?

I mean... See...

It's not just the dying, Arthur.

How did you get up there? Where did you
go?

A box? Well, there you are. I mean, it's
not the best way to travel, is it?

Well, that's nothing. I mean, that's
only the first stage, isn't it? Yeah,

mean, what if you got close to foul
beer, sonny?

It don't matter, do it? I mean, you've
gone.

But have you?

Well, they wouldn't bury if you have
them, would they? No, but you could be

trance or something.

Look, the doctor, the undertaker, they
all know.

Yes, but do they, Arthur? I mean...

Well, they know that you're not
yourself. They know there's something

wrong, but none of them's ever been
dead.

They've got no experience of how you're
supposed to get up there or what the

Lord expects.

I mean, you could be wandering about in
limbo for all eternity because some fool

down here has sodded it up for you. I
mean, the Lord, he could be calling to

and you can't get out and go to him
because they've screwed you down in a...

Bloody box.

Don't worry.

You'll be all right.

They can't leave you lying on your bed
or sitting up in a chair forever, can

they?

Might be a bit safe if they did.

They're inclined to get you down a bit
too quick these days, you ask me,

You'd be the first one to complain if
they had dead bodies lying all over the

place.

Don't worry.

If we was doing it wrong, we would have
been notified.

You believe you're going up there, don't
you?

Yeah.

And you believe that he can get you up
there?

Yeah. Well, if he can get people up
there, he can get them down again.

What was the message like?

What, saying you ain't been packed
right?

Wish we knew more about it, though.

About what?

Well, about that, about the travelling,
about how I expect you to get up there,

you know, and what do you take with you
for the journey, like. I mean, how long

is it? Do you have to stop over anywhere
and walk close and some means of

identification, let people know who you
are, like a passport, something like

that, and let them know you're English.

And visas, things like that. I mean, a
lot of people think they don't travel

well off. I mean, for instance...

For instance, I mean, a lot of people
are very nervous about flying.

Well, there you are. I mean, it's a
worry, isn't it? I mean, what vehicle?

it's the unknown, Arthur. I mean, I'd be
off tomorrow if I thought, you know...

If you could go by train.

You can't. You see, that's my point. You
can't go by train.

You can't go by British Rail, that's for
sure.

You wouldn't be all that trying to see
if you went by British Rail.

Nor boat, nor car.

Otherwise, you could stay in a funeral
car, go all the way in that, and then

they wouldn't have to drop you off
into... All in the ground.

But, you see, there's nothing in the
scriptures, Arthur. There's no

of how you're expected to get up there.

Well, you do this, an angel, an angel of
the Lord will come down and carry you

up.

angel of the Lord or not, I wouldn't
fancy flying on the back of one of them

down to Bournemouth, let alone off
space.

It would probably be different then. It
would probably be like a caterpillar

when it turned into a butterfly.

See, it leaves its whole skin behind and
then... Oh.

What, fly there yourself?

Yeah.

Oh, I can't see that half.

I can't be expected to start flying, not
at my age.

Besides,

You'll be a different thing.

No, I don't think I fancy that. I mean,
I'm used to what I am now. I don't want

to be another thing. Bloody butterfly,
sonny.

No, no.

You go as yourself. I mean, that's
obvious, isn't it? Otherwise nobody

recognise you. Nobody would know who you
was.

Anyway, if you was a butterfly, I mean,
somebody would come along and wallop.

That's it.

That's all your years in eternity up the
spout, isn't it?

We could go together.

What?

Suicide pact.

I mean, we've always got on.

And what have we got down here that's so
special that it's worth living for?

Well, I've got this new hip, haven't I?

I've got a bit in the post office.

I'd be daft to leave that behind. I
wouldn't want to do that, would I?

Besides, it's a sin.

What? To take your own life. It's a
crime, even.

Yeah, but they can't do nothing.

They can if they catch you. They'll put
you in prison.

Well, if they catch you, how can they
catch us? We'll be gone.

Yeah, but, I mean, if you fail or
something, attempted suicide, I mean,

put you inside for that. I don't want to
do time, not at my age.

Look, if all you're worried about is
getting caught, you go first.

Eh? Look, I'll do it to you and make
sure you're good and gone. And when

safely on your way, I'll do it to
myself.

That's murder.

Well, I suppose it's a technicality,
really. I mean, neither of us will be

to argue it with them.

I don't think I fancy that. I mean, you
might change your mind. I mean, I've got

no guarantee of it.

All right, then.

I'll go first. You do it to me.

Oh, yeah, and I'm the one who gets
strung up. They don't do that now.

My bloody rotten luck is they bring a
bill in through Parliament when I'm

up for trial. No, thank you very much.

Look, we'll go together.

Hand in hand, off one of the bridges
into the river.

I can't swim.

Well?

Well, I'm fancy drowning.

You got a gas stove?

You can't get two heads in that.

And besides, I know this is my gas bill
you want to use.

Heaven, Elf, perfect utopia, paradise.

God awaiting with open arms your host
for all eternity.

Patience, Arthur, patience.

He'll call us when he's ready. You don't
want to go pushing up front, you know.

You wait your turn.

I mean, there's others who might need to
be up there more than us.

I mean, it's different for you. You're
more upset about things than I am. Well,

you're more miserable than I am, for
starters.

Well, you've got that awful wife of
yours. I mean, I don't think he would

at that as a sin, not if you took your
own life, not with a wife like that.

They say this stuff can kill you, if you
drink enough of it.

Blimey, look at the time.

Where's she got to?

It can't have still been working, not at
this hour.

It's sort of a bloody war right if I did
do away with myself.

I was like talking to a child, really
is.

Oh!

Oh, I thought you'd gone out.

Wake up!

I've brought you some dinner home and
it's...

I bought these for you.

In case you didn't have enough.

I'll probably starve to death, that's
what I'll do.

But richer or poorer, I'm bloody poorer,
that's a fact. That's because it's the

Christmas and it helps us, that I'll do.

It's the Christmas and it helps us.