All language subtitles for In Sickness And In Health s05e01

Now, my old darling, they've laid her
down to rest, and now I'm missing her

all my heart.

But they don't give a monkey's down to
the age of death, and they've gone and

I'll be pensioned for a start.

So it won't be very long before I'm
piers time, because I'll probably starve

death, that's what I'll do.

But richer or poorer, I'm bloody poor,
that's a fact, just because in sickness

and in health, boss, that I'll do.

Bloody hell.

Half hour we've been sat here in this
bloody dark.

Did you put any money in the meter? I
done talked to half. They wouldn't have

power failure because I didn't put money
in the meter, would they?

Everywhere's blacked out, innit?

Well, you'll be saving electric tonight,
at least.

I don't want to save electric, my dear.
I want to watch television.

Oh, yes, of course. That'll be off too,
yeah.

I was wondering why we hadn't got the
telly on.

Well, read your paper, then.

I suppose the phone's off too, is it?
Why?

Don't want to phone anyone, do you?

Well, we might do. That's what it's for,
emergencies.

I mean, this is an emergency. Well, who
are you going to phone?

The electric? They'll know we've got no
light. They know we've got no light.

Everyone knows we've got no lights. Look
outside the old street. It's pitch

dark. We might need to phone an
ambulance.

Why? No one's ill?

Well, someone could have an accident
stumbling about in the dark like this.

Well, sit still then.

Or the fire brigade.

Look, I know ask a silly question, you
get a silly answer.

But why do you think we might need the
fire brigade, my dear? Well, someone

could knock a candle over and set fire
to the house, couldn't they? But we're

not burning any candles, are we? Because
you can't find the bleeding candles,

can you?

Well, it don't need to be us. Someone
down the road could knock a candle over.

Well, if they do, they can use their own
phone, can't they, my dear?

Yeah, well, how can they if the phone's
not working? The phones are working.

What, with a power failure? Yes, with a
power failure!

Ow! I mean, that's electric too.

Don't talk daft. Well, it's not gas.

But it's not electric neither.

Well, what is it then?

It... Oh, you're thick, you are. Didn't
you ever go to school?

People didn't have phones when I went to
school. Some people did, my dear. Oh,

you did, I suppose.

No, we had no one to phone in them days.
No, you've got no one to phone these

days. And anyway, most of us didn't have
electric either in those days. You

speak for yourself, my dear. We had
electric when I was at school.

Yes. An electric wireless.

Oh, you would.

I had an electric torch when I was ten.

Pity you haven't got one now.

If you put the candles somewhere where
we can find them, like I had, we

need a torch, would we?

I put the candles somewhere I could find
them. I said somewhere we could go

straight to them. Somewhere where we
know we can always find them. I did

told you I did that.

Well, why are we sitting in a bloody
dark then?

I can't remember where I put them.

And you keeping on doesn't help me.

Oh, God blimey!

You're standing on my foot!

Well, move it. I will when you get off
it. Oh, Benny. What a bloody great

galumphant elephant you are.

What are you doing?

Where is it?

Oh, the phone is working.

I told you it was.

Well, if that's electric,

how is that working and nothing else?
I've told you it's not electric.

Well, how will it work then?

All right, I'll grant you it's something
like electric, but it's not electric.

It don't light up when you turn it on,
do it.

Oh, I've seen phones with lights on. And
because you don't turn phones on.

When you live to receive an idea, it
turns it on. Turns what on? The phone.

Ah!

Look, does it matter? It's working.
Isn't that enough for you?

I'd rather there was no television that
was working.

It wasn't if you was ill and wanted
ambulance.

But I'm not ill!

And I don't want an ambulance, but I do
want to watch the bloody telly.

If the telly was on, the lights would be
on and I could find those candles, eh?

Yes, my dear, you could.

But we wouldn't need the bloody candles
then, would we?

It'd be better than sitting in the dark.

When we had gas, we never had none of
these problems.

We got gas. Gas lighting, I mean, gas
lights.

We never had no power failures when we
had gas lights.

Not like you get with electric.

Yeah, but you could sit for hours in the
dark till someone found the matches.

Another thing with the gas lights, they
were more economical.

How? It suited your working man better.
How? Because you could ration it, my

dear. Didn't have to have your lights
full on. It would have a mouth on, a

quarter on, whatever suited your pocket.

You didn't have to burn that much light
if you didn't want to.

With your electric, you've got to burn
all what they send you. Oh, I wish

send it some now.

No, your gas was much more economical.
But now I'd have to come up with all

their eye technology, what no -one can
understand, and plunge us all in the

darkness for hours on end.

Another thing with your gas.

You could always tell if it was leaking.

So you didn't have to pay for what you
never had.

I mean, if it was leaking, you could
smell it.

Or you could take a match to it and
bang.

You knew.

With your electric, you don't know if
that's leaking. I mean, why do you think

I've got all them plugs in all them
holes, eh?

Why have you got all the plugs in all
the holes?

Because I don't want to pay for leaky
electric. That's why.

You can laugh, my dear, but that bill of
mine, blimey, I ain't used half the

electricity they're charging me for. I
wrote to them. I wrote and said, my

electricity's leaking.

How can you prove it?

Well, put a match to one of the
pluggers.

See if you get a warning flame.

I'll bet you we're paying for this
blackout now.

I mean, I reckon that little wheel on
the meter's going round and round and

round. Yeah, what's what you're doing
with that pipe in the dark, then?

Pipe's the only thing I can see in the
dark, isn't it?

Bloody matches. Come on!

Phew!

What are you fooling about? Don't start
there.

If you don't like it, go upstairs to
your own place.

Don't.

See, another thing about your cash...

It was more natural.

Suited the world better. Fitted in more
with what your greens are saying now.

I mean, you never had all this talk
about destroying the atmosphere or the

rainforest, not when we burnt gas.

The weather was better too.

Never had all these famines all over the
world, people dropping dead of

starvation. Leastways there wasn't all
that talk about it.

Well, you wouldn't have your telly if we
only had gas still.

They'd have found a way.

What, a gas telly?

Just got to do a little bit more
thinking, that's all.

Hooray!

Come on, you!

Come on, make up your mind!

It ain't marvellous, eh?

Simple little thing like an exit, they
can't even get that right.

Probably some thick mick that shoved his
spade through the power line.

I think it's exciting.

It reminds me of the Blitz.

What are you talking about, the Blitz?
They're not dropping bombs on us, are

they? I mean the blackout.

During the war, during the blackout, my
dear, we never had no blackout in the

home. There was only blackout in the
streets, wasn't it?

I mean, during the war, we fought a
long, hard, drawn -out battle with the

Germans. But we never had one single
power cut that I can remember.

And there was raining bombs on us night
and day. But the lights never went out.

Oh, no.

Not in the home, nor in the factories.
You know for why?

Because we had an higher calibre of
government then and an higher calibre of

worker too.

And no bloody unions. Well, it's true.

There we are.

Oh, no. What are they bloody well
playing at? Isn't it marvellous, eh?

Oh, dear, I'll bet you, I'll bet you
we'll sit here in this bloody dark all

night long and the minute we go to bed,
the bloody lights will come on.

Oh, I've just remembered.

I know I put those candles somewhere
safe where I could go straight to them.

Where? I wrote it down in my memory
book.

You what?

Well, I have my thoughts, I know, but
unlike you, I know them. I mean, I know

that I'm a bit...

remember where you put it.

Can you?

No.

I don't have a pub!

At least they left some candles over
there.

And someone sensible would have put them
up.

And she got any candles, Governor?

Yes, but I can't find them. I wouldn't
mind if I put them somewhere safe where

could find them.

Then he's forgotten where he put them.

Where's my whisky? I had a whisky here.

You drunk it?

No, it was... Here, I can't find my gin.

Here, my gin's gone.

Here, where's my beer? My beer glass is
here. Oh, God.

No beer.

Have you got a ghost here, Governor?

One that drinks?

As I was saying, Arthur, about a poll
tax.

Not a bloody poll tax.

Where's my beer gone?

I don't know.

What are you looking at me for?

Same again, Arthur? Mrs.

Hollingbury? Tonic, please.

Thank you.

What's that for?

Well, if the lights go out again... I
don't know why you

think... Hey, hey, listen here.
Jonathan, what about me?

What about you? You got more on your
fair share?

I'll pay for my own. You sit here with
friends and you get accused, just like

that. No one's accusing.

Not much, you know. The bloody looks of
it.

Anyone could have taken them drinks,
couldn't they? I mean, look around.

Not the most honest -looking bunch, are
they?

Probably one of your blackies. I mean,
you can't see them in the dark, can you?

He's all right. That's a joke, isn't it?

Yeah,

you don't deserve it.

Look, you can keep your bloody drink if
that's your attitude.

I've got my pride, mate.

Do you want it or don't you?

I want it, the whiskey.

You done your poll tax yet? Poll tax?

£449?

Might as well be £40 ,049.

Yeah, well, you won't pay it all, will
you? You'll get a rebate.

Oh, yeah, if I'm prepared to go.

begging and filling in forms.

I mean, blimey, I fought for this
country, mate. I've worked hard, and now

reduced to a bloody means test at my
age.

That bloody woman, she's mad.

You voted for her. I never voted for
her.

No, excuse me, I voted Tory. I wouldn't
vote for a woman Prime Minister,

especially not the daughter of a corner
shopkeeper.

What sort of background is that for a
Prime Minister of England, eh?

That's the highest position in the land,
that is, after Her Majesty the Queen.

All Mrs. Thatcher is fitted for by birth
is our father's butter counter.

It's a disease of democracy, isn't it,
to allow a working class, jumped -up

tradespeople to rule a country like
England?

I mean, we'll be having a stallholder, a
bloody road sweeper's prime minister

next.

It's your first seeds of communism.

I mean, she's already given our money to
Poland and Czechoslovakia, and...

Now she's offering asylum to millions of
Chinese wogs out in Hong Kong.

I mean, as if we ain't got enough bloody
foreigners in this country.

Asylum. She's the one who ought to be
put in a bloody asylum.

Not millions, and they're crown
servants.

Well, if they are, Mr Cleverdick, if
they are crown servants, they should

honoured that they're allowed to serve
the crown and not demand rewards for it.

Sir Harold Macmillan.

God rest his soul.

He said she was selling the family
silver. Well, that's not all she's

mean, she's already sold the national
industries. Industries are supposed to

belong to us, the people. And what are
we getting out of it, eh?

Nothing. It's all she knows she's
selling. She's turned down the street in

bloody shop.

And the other one, Lawson, old fat guts
Nigel.

When he was Chancellor of the Exchequer,
he put up interest rates, right?

Then he resigned, moved over to the
banks to collect it.

You've got, mate. I don't agree. I think
she's been a good Prime Minister.

Who for?

Not for the Tory party. She's been a
bloody sight better Prime Minister for

Labour party. She's already done more
for the Labour party than any Labour

leader ever born.

How? How?

By turning millions of Tory voters into
Labour voters. That's how.

Beware the self -made man.

That's what they say, Alf.

I know it's in the army. Right. If
anybody got made up from the ranks to

class... He was a bastard.

Because they're not born to rule,
Arthur. A little bit of power goes to

mean, what sort of stock is that, eh?

Cornish shot. I mean, that's mongrel
almost, isn't it?

Corporal class, eh?

Napoleon was a corporal. He became an
emperor.

Yeah, until they found him out and
banished him off to Ellis Island.

Ellis Island's in America.

Oh.

You're trying to give me a history
lesson now, are we?

Hitler was a corporal. So was Stalin.

All of them lower class, none of them
bought the rule.

I don't know how you're talking about
Stalin.

I mean, he might have been lower class.
He might have been corporal class.

But he was a bloody good general.

He helped us beat Hitler.

Nothing to do with Stalin, mate. The
general that helped us to beat Hitler

General Motors, see?

that Hitler fired at us, General Motors
fired ten back in.

Was he English?

Who? General Motors.

I thought Montgomery was our general.
No, he was a fellow... Well, all this

got nothing to do with the poll tax.

Look, Mrs Thatcher may have brought it
in, but it's the council that are

spending all the money. I mean, £449?

to live in a dirty, filthy borough like
this, what are they spending the money

on? Lesbian snooker rules and poof -the
-parlours.

I remember when Labour got in in this
borough, when they was elected, and the

first thing they'd done was to pawn the
mayor's chain of office and have a party

on the proceeds, hoping that the next
mayor would be a Tory and rich enough to

redeem it for them. What did they spend
the money on? I've told you. No, come

on, he didn't spend all the money on you
gays.

Well, there is the fire brigade, there
is the police force, there is the public

libraries, there's education.

Education?

Don't spend much on that. Not round
here. There's two short planks round

And public libraries?

I've never been in a public library in
my life. I don't see why I should have

pay for that.

You was in one the other day.

Only shelter from the rain.

Mr Garnett doesn't read books.

No, well, I've got more to do with my
time than sit reading books and stuffing

my head full of bloody nonsense. And the
fire brigade?

I've never called the fire brigade out
once in my life. So why should I have to

pay for other people's fires, eh? Come
on, Al.

You can't turn the fire brigade into a
private enterprise fire brigade.

I mean, having people phoning up,
getting quotations when they go to their

on fire.

I mean, can you imagine?

Oh, hello.

Tell me, how big is your fire?

How many engines do you think you would
require?

We are charging £40 for each room,
depending on the blaze.

£10 extra if it's upstairs.

All on site.

I know, look.

You've got a burglar.

You phone up, I've got a burglar, how
much to get rid of a burglar?

How big is it, I say?

In the arm, they say.

So if you've got a gun, it'll cost you
extra.

No, I'm not arguing that, Arthur. All
I'm saying is if you don't use the

facilities that much, you should get a
rebate. Like a no -claims bonus?

Yeah, when you've got a big house full
of valuables, well, you use the police

force more, don't you? Yeah. And you get
burgled more often. Yeah. And you lose

a lot more if you have a fire.

Yeah. No burglar coming to us.

We've only got to look through the
windows and nobody will burgle us.

It's our rates that build the bloody
prisons they keep trying to burn down.

We wouldn't need prisoners if it weren't
for the bloody criminals.

They should be made to pay for them.
Give them a bill when they leave.

What, like hotels do?

Yeah, bloody good idea.

Very good deterrent that would be.

Make them pay for any breakages.

They wouldn't be so keen to riot then if
they had to pay for the damage they've

done. In any way, this council's not too
bad.

I mean, at least you can sleep safe in
your bed knowing that if there was a war

with Russia, we won't have no nuclear
bombs dropped on us.

Sorry? Well, we're a nuclear -free zone.
It's on all the landforms.

Look, I don't know why you complain.

It's the likes of you they're spending
the money on.

It's the bloody town hall staff they're
spending the money on, mate.

It's only the national health. All that
money should be spent on the patients,

not on the staff.

It's only the poor bloody patients they
begrudge spending the money on, it seems

to me.

You didn't do too bad out of it. You've
got a new hip. I paid him for that,

mate. I paid him more than that cost,
don't you worry. And besides, I wore me

own hip out serving this country.

I've never let a penny out of the health
service.

It was all paying for me, all the time,
paying. That's all I've ever done. Well,

what about your chest?

I've got nothing in my chest.

I mean, that insurance...

National Health have never paid me a
penny for my chest.

And don't you think it could do with a
few pounds being spent on it?

I mean, I know I've got to live with it.

Can't they do one of them transplants on
it? Eh?

Don't talk bloody daft. They don't do
chest transplants, do they?

They gave you a new hip. Yeah, but hip's
not the same as a chest, is it? No, I

know hip's not the same as a chest.

But I don't see if they could make you a
new hip. Why can't they make him a new

chest? Hip is a bone, isn't it? Your
chest ain't. It's got bones in it. Yeah,

know, but it's got other things in it
too, isn't it? What?

Whoa.

All sorts of bits and pieces in there.

I mean, your hip is just the one bone,
isn't it?

Hearts ain't bones. I know, but hearts
ain't the same as chests, are they, my

dear? But heart is part of your chest.
Yeah, I know, Arthur, but you can move

heart, can't you?

I mean, you take a heart out of one
person and bung it into another person.

can't do that with a chest. How do you
know?

Well, it's a well -known fact.

Oh, so you say.

Look. They do kidney transplants. I
know.

Liver transplants. I know. They should
give you one of them. Might make you a

bit more agreeable in the morning.

No, you can't have chest transplants,
Mrs. Oldingbury.

Now, you stick your name down, Arthur,
because with these modern medical

miracles, they might soon get round to
it. But why they want to start patching

and mending up people, I don't know.

Especially older people. I mean, it's
like putting a new engine in a clapped

-out car.

I mean, they're all very well, these
modern medical miracles. Will you take a

man like Arthur? There's no offence
meant here, Arthur, but put a new chest

him by all means.

But the rest of him doesn't warrant it.

He's like him and his hip.

What does he do with it? He doesn't use
it. He just sits around here with it or

sits at home with it. He could have done
that with the old one.

Pain, mate.

I was in pain.

So you was in pain, but a couple of jars
of Aspros would have been less of a

burden on the taxpayer.

I paid him for that. If I told you I'm
not a bloody scrounger.

You know, there's more and more of you
lot every year, you know.

Pulling in your pensions, little
allowance here, another allowance there.

should not expect to live forever and
for nothing.

I paid in, I paid in. How many more
bloody times have I got to tell you?

but not enough.

I mean, these things don't come for
free, you know.

Someone's got to pay for all this spare
part surgery.

That's where all the government money's
going. Listen, I work hard.

I'm clobbered for taxes, not for
something that I need. I can look after

but I'm paying out for all these old
people pottering on into their 90s and

100s. And it's not like they give them
any work to do. They could be sweeping

the streets. Couldn't they have jobs?
They could be picking up litter.

But all this idea of they just have to
sit around doing nothing at home, that's

a mistake and a terrifying burden on the
rest of us. I've paid in since I was

14. I've never...

out of them. The same as me. And now
it's coming near our turn, Arthur. See,

when, you know, when there's likely to
be things going wrong with us, then

they're running out of money.

Yeah, well, they've already spent some
of our money.

That money should be put aside for us.
They should say, there you are.

There is Mr.

Alfred Garnett's money.

And there is Mr. Artie Luscombe's money.
That's for them for when they need it.

What about my money?

All right, there's Mrs. Ollenbury's
money.

You haven't given me as much as you.
Would you shut up?

Their money should be put in the bank,
should be waiting for us when we want

Yeah, and if we're never ill, they
should let us have holiday with it.

if I want a new kidney or Arthur wants a
new chest, we should... Or I want to go

to the Isle of Wight.

We shouldn't have to queue up for it.

Because we're already in credit, which
you're about to say to them, look, just

give us the money, what we paid in,
we'll buy our own chest, our own kidney,

the open market. On the open market?

Well, they're doing that now.

The other week, a bloke bought a kidney
from Turkey, didn't he?

All right, it was a foreign kidney, but
it was a new one.

Well, fresh.

No, let's stop all that. Why?

What's wrong with it? If it's your own
money, you've got to buy what you bloody

would like with it. No, but it's got to
be donated.

You can't go around buying and selling
bits of people. Oh, I see, I see.

It's back to something for nothing
again, is it?

So, if Arthur was to see a new chest he
liked, I mean, one that would suit him

better than the one that he's got, he
wouldn't be allowed to buy it? No. No,

even if the person wanted to sell it? I
mean, even if, like, he was hard up,

say, or he wanted to buy a new car?

I mean, he might want a new house or
redecorate his own one.

No. Although it's his own kidney, his
own whatever, he's not allowed to sell

and do himself a bit of good. Oh, no.
He's got to give it away.

That's bloody socialism, that is. It's
not market forces, is it? Do you know

what, Arthur? Them kidneys is fetching
£6 ,000 apiece.

£6 ,000 apiece. Well, I mean, who in
their right minds is going to give it

I mean, if they can fetch £6 ,000.

I mean, would you?

You know, your party is the Labour
Party, Mr Garnett. The old people's

the caring party.

But at whose expense?

Lord, apart from that it and mine, I've
never had a day off work in my life.

Oh, don't worry, you'll be one of those
who go off quickly one day and go on

tomorrow.

There's no one time for any planning and
make it awkward for everybody.

Oh, I'm sorry. You'd rather I had a nice
long illness, would you? Hang about and

suffer a bit.

No, I don't think I'd like to see you
suffer, but it would be more considerate

if you took a bit of time over it. I
mean, I don't like people popping off

sudden. It's inconvenient.

Oh, I wouldn't wish to inconvenience
you, my dear.

No, it's not funny, because there's so
much to do when somebody dies.

And it's so much easier if you can get a
bit of warning and a chance to prepare.

It's all right, Maya.

We're only talking about it. I'm not
going yet.

Bloody Nugent, the undertaker.

I hate him, the way he sits there with
that bloody grin of his.

Oh, he's all right, Mr Nugent, yeah.

He's very helpful.

I've joined his funeral club. You've
done what?

For you.

For you. I don't want to be caught out
sudden.

Well, let me tell you a few shillings of
it.

Here, listen.

He'd like your measurements and weights.

When you've got time, he likes to be
prepared, you see.

He has to order the wood.

And the angles and all those sort of
things, you know. He told me he can't

afford to carry much stock these days
because everything is so expensive. Oh,

true, true. And, I mean, he hates it
when they pop off, doesn't he? I don't

to join his bloody funeral club.

If I can afford to join clubs, there's
other clubs I'd rather belong to.

You want a decent scent off, don't you?

I'm not that bothered, particular. I
mean, you've got money to spare, my

I'd rather you spend it on me here now
rather than spend it on him after I've

gone. What did you sod off?

I agree with Mr Garnett. You don't want
to pay for anything in advance when you

get to his age, right? Pay for
everything in arrears, especially your

and your rent.

Now is your time for running up debt,
mate, if you can.

Go on, Alf.

It's your round.

See if you can get it on the slate.

Did you turn the lights off before we
come out?

There wasn't any lights to turn off.
There was a power failure.

There were switches to turn off, wasn't
there?

God, Benny, I'm not made of money, you
know.

And all I ever spoke in the...

There. Off, on.

See? Off, on.

Off, on. Off, on.

Off.

Oh, that's very clever. Now, you will be
saving electric.

You've blown the fuse.

I'll blow your bloody fuse in a minute.