Original subtitles

Now, my old darling, they've laid her down to rest, and now I'm missing her

all my heart.

But they don't give a monkey's down to the age of death, and they've gone and

I'll be pensioned for a start.

So it won't be very long before I'm piers time, because I'll probably starve

death, that's what I'll do.

But richer or poorer, I'm bloody poor, that's a fact, just because in sickness

and in health, boss, that I'll do.

Bloody hell.

Half hour we've been sat here in this bloody dark.

Did you put any money in the meter? I done talked to half. They wouldn't have

power failure because I didn't put money in the meter, would they?

Everywhere's blacked out, innit?

Well, you'll be saving electric tonight, at least.

I don't want to save electric, my dear. I want to watch television.

Oh, yes, of course. That'll be off too, yeah.

I was wondering why we hadn't got the telly on.

Well, read your paper, then.

I suppose the phone's off too, is it? Why?

Don't want to phone anyone, do you?

Well, we might do. That's what it's for, emergencies.

I mean, this is an emergency. Well, who are you going to phone?

The electric? They'll know we've got no light. They know we've got no light.

Everyone knows we've got no lights. Look outside the old street. It's pitch

dark. We might need to phone an ambulance.

Why? No one's ill?

Well, someone could have an accident stumbling about in the dark like this.

Well, sit still then.

Or the fire brigade.

Look, I know ask a silly question, you get a silly answer.

But why do you think we might need the fire brigade, my dear? Well, someone

could knock a candle over and set fire to the house, couldn't they? But we're

not burning any candles, are we? Because you can't find the bleeding candles,

can you?

Well, it don't need to be us. Someone down the road could knock a candle over.

Well, if they do, they can use their own phone, can't they, my dear?

Yeah, well, how can they if the phone's not working? The phones are working.

What, with a power failure? Yes, with a power failure!

Ow! I mean, that's electric too.

Don't talk daft. Well, it's not gas.

But it's not electric neither.

Well, what is it then?

It... Oh, you're thick, you are. Didn't you ever go to school?

People didn't have phones when I went to school. Some people did, my dear. Oh,

you did, I suppose.

No, we had no one to phone in them days. No, you've got no one to phone these

days. And anyway, most of us didn't have electric either in those days. You

speak for yourself, my dear. We had electric when I was at school.

Yes. An electric wireless.

Oh, you would.

I had an electric torch when I was ten.

Pity you haven't got one now.

If you put the candles somewhere where we can find them, like I had, we

need a torch, would we?

I put the candles somewhere I could find them. I said somewhere we could go

straight to them. Somewhere where we know we can always find them. I did

told you I did that.

Well, why are we sitting in a bloody dark then?

I can't remember where I put them.

And you keeping on doesn't help me.

Oh, God blimey!

You're standing on my foot!

Well, move it. I will when you get off it. Oh, Benny. What a bloody great

galumphant elephant you are.

What are you doing?

Where is it?

Oh, the phone is working.

I told you it was.

Well, if that's electric,

how is that working and nothing else? I've told you it's not electric.

Well, how will it work then?

All right, I'll grant you it's something like electric, but it's not electric.

It don't light up when you turn it on, do it.

Oh, I've seen phones with lights on. And because you don't turn phones on.

When you live to receive an idea, it turns it on. Turns what on? The phone.

Ah!

Look, does it matter? It's working. Isn't that enough for you?

I'd rather there was no television that was working.

It wasn't if you was ill and wanted ambulance.

But I'm not ill!

And I don't want an ambulance, but I do want to watch the bloody telly.

If the telly was on, the lights would be on and I could find those candles, eh?

Yes, my dear, you could.

But we wouldn't need the bloody candles then, would we?

It'd be better than sitting in the dark.

When we had gas, we never had none of these problems.

We got gas. Gas lighting, I mean, gas lights.

We never had no power failures when we had gas lights.

Not like you get with electric.

Yeah, but you could sit for hours in the dark till someone found the matches.

Another thing with the gas lights, they were more economical.

How? It suited your working man better. How? Because you could ration it, my

dear. Didn't have to have your lights full on. It would have a mouth on, a

quarter on, whatever suited your pocket.

You didn't have to burn that much light if you didn't want to.

With your electric, you've got to burn all what they send you. Oh, I wish

send it some now.

No, your gas was much more economical. But now I'd have to come up with all

their eye technology, what no -one can understand, and plunge us all in the

darkness for hours on end.

Another thing with your gas.

You could always tell if it was leaking.

So you didn't have to pay for what you never had.

I mean, if it was leaking, you could smell it.

Or you could take a match to it and bang.

You knew.

With your electric, you don't know if that's leaking. I mean, why do you think

I've got all them plugs in all them holes, eh?

Why have you got all the plugs in all the holes?

Because I don't want to pay for leaky electric. That's why.

You can laugh, my dear, but that bill of mine, blimey, I ain't used half the

electricity they're charging me for. I wrote to them. I wrote and said, my

electricity's leaking.

How can you prove it?

Well, put a match to one of the pluggers.

See if you get a warning flame.

I'll bet you we're paying for this blackout now.

I mean, I reckon that little wheel on the meter's going round and round and

round. Yeah, what's what you're doing with that pipe in the dark, then?

Pipe's the only thing I can see in the dark, isn't it?

Bloody matches. Come on!

Phew!

What are you fooling about? Don't start there.

If you don't like it, go upstairs to your own place.

Don't.

See, another thing about your cash...

It was more natural.

Suited the world better. Fitted in more with what your greens are saying now.

I mean, you never had all this talk about destroying the atmosphere or the

rainforest, not when we burnt gas.

The weather was better too.

Never had all these famines all over the world, people dropping dead of

starvation. Leastways there wasn't all that talk about it.

Well, you wouldn't have your telly if we only had gas still.

They'd have found a way.

What, a gas telly?

Just got to do a little bit more thinking, that's all.

Hooray!

Come on, you!

Come on, make up your mind!

It ain't marvellous, eh?

Simple little thing like an exit, they can't even get that right.

Probably some thick mick that shoved his spade through the power line.

I think it's exciting.

It reminds me of the Blitz.

What are you talking about, the Blitz? They're not dropping bombs on us, are

they? I mean the blackout.

During the war, during the blackout, my dear, we never had no blackout in the

home. There was only blackout in the streets, wasn't it?

I mean, during the war, we fought a long, hard, drawn -out battle with the

Germans. But we never had one single power cut that I can remember.

And there was raining bombs on us night and day. But the lights never went out.

Oh, no.

Not in the home, nor in the factories. You know for why?

Because we had an higher calibre of government then and an higher calibre of

worker too.

And no bloody unions. Well, it's true.

There we are.

Oh, no. What are they bloody well playing at? Isn't it marvellous, eh?

Oh, dear, I'll bet you, I'll bet you we'll sit here in this bloody dark all

night long and the minute we go to bed, the bloody lights will come on.

Oh, I've just remembered.

I know I put those candles somewhere safe where I could go straight to them.

Where? I wrote it down in my memory book.

You what?

Well, I have my thoughts, I know, but unlike you, I know them. I mean, I know

that I'm a bit...

remember where you put it.

Can you?

No.

I don't have a pub!

At least they left some candles over there.

And someone sensible would have put them up.

And she got any candles, Governor?

Yes, but I can't find them. I wouldn't mind if I put them somewhere safe where

could find them.

Then he's forgotten where he put them.

Where's my whisky? I had a whisky here.

You drunk it?

No, it was... Here, I can't find my gin.

Here, my gin's gone.

Here, where's my beer? My beer glass is here. Oh, God.

No beer.

Have you got a ghost here, Governor?

One that drinks?

As I was saying, Arthur, about a poll tax.

Not a bloody poll tax.

Where's my beer gone?

I don't know.

What are you looking at me for?

Same again, Arthur? Mrs.

Hollingbury? Tonic, please.

Thank you.

What's that for?

Well, if the lights go out again... I don't know why you

think... Hey, hey, listen here. Jonathan, what about me?

What about you? You got more on your fair share?

I'll pay for my own. You sit here with friends and you get accused, just like

that. No one's accusing.

Not much, you know. The bloody looks of it.

Anyone could have taken them drinks, couldn't they? I mean, look around.

Not the most honest -looking bunch, are they?

Probably one of your blackies. I mean, you can't see them in the dark, can you?

He's all right. That's a joke, isn't it?

Yeah,

you don't deserve it.

Look, you can keep your bloody drink if that's your attitude.

I've got my pride, mate.

Do you want it or don't you?

I want it, the whiskey.

You done your poll tax yet? Poll tax?

£449?

Might as well be £40 ,049.

Yeah, well, you won't pay it all, will you? You'll get a rebate.

Oh, yeah, if I'm prepared to go.

begging and filling in forms.

I mean, blimey, I fought for this country, mate. I've worked hard, and now

reduced to a bloody means test at my age.

That bloody woman, she's mad.

You voted for her. I never voted for her.

No, excuse me, I voted Tory. I wouldn't vote for a woman Prime Minister,

especially not the daughter of a corner shopkeeper.

What sort of background is that for a Prime Minister of England, eh?

That's the highest position in the land, that is, after Her Majesty the Queen.

All Mrs. Thatcher is fitted for by birth is our father's butter counter.

It's a disease of democracy, isn't it, to allow a working class, jumped -up

tradespeople to rule a country like England?

I mean, we'll be having a stallholder, a bloody road sweeper's prime minister

next.

It's your first seeds of communism.

I mean, she's already given our money to Poland and Czechoslovakia, and...

Now she's offering asylum to millions of Chinese wogs out in Hong Kong.

I mean, as if we ain't got enough bloody foreigners in this country.

Asylum. She's the one who ought to be put in a bloody asylum.

Not millions, and they're crown servants.

Well, if they are, Mr Cleverdick, if they are crown servants, they should

honoured that they're allowed to serve the crown and not demand rewards for it.

Sir Harold Macmillan.

God rest his soul.

He said she was selling the family silver. Well, that's not all she's

mean, she's already sold the national industries. Industries are supposed to

belong to us, the people. And what are we getting out of it, eh?

Nothing. It's all she knows she's selling. She's turned down the street in

bloody shop.

And the other one, Lawson, old fat guts Nigel.

When he was Chancellor of the Exchequer, he put up interest rates, right?

Then he resigned, moved over to the banks to collect it.

You've got, mate. I don't agree. I think she's been a good Prime Minister.

Who for?

Not for the Tory party. She's been a bloody sight better Prime Minister for

Labour party. She's already done more for the Labour party than any Labour

leader ever born.

How? How?

By turning millions of Tory voters into Labour voters. That's how.

Beware the self -made man.

That's what they say, Alf.

I know it's in the army. Right. If anybody got made up from the ranks to

class... He was a bastard.

Because they're not born to rule, Arthur. A little bit of power goes to

mean, what sort of stock is that, eh?

Cornish shot. I mean, that's mongrel almost, isn't it?

Corporal class, eh?

Napoleon was a corporal. He became an emperor.

Yeah, until they found him out and banished him off to Ellis Island.

Ellis Island's in America.

Oh.

You're trying to give me a history lesson now, are we?

Hitler was a corporal. So was Stalin.

All of them lower class, none of them bought the rule.

I don't know how you're talking about Stalin.

I mean, he might have been lower class. He might have been corporal class.

But he was a bloody good general.

He helped us beat Hitler.

Nothing to do with Stalin, mate. The general that helped us to beat Hitler

General Motors, see?

that Hitler fired at us, General Motors fired ten back in.

Was he English?

Who? General Motors.

I thought Montgomery was our general. No, he was a fellow... Well, all this

got nothing to do with the poll tax.

Look, Mrs Thatcher may have brought it in, but it's the council that are

spending all the money. I mean, £449?

to live in a dirty, filthy borough like this, what are they spending the money

on? Lesbian snooker rules and poof -the -parlours.

I remember when Labour got in in this borough, when they was elected, and the

first thing they'd done was to pawn the mayor's chain of office and have a party

on the proceeds, hoping that the next mayor would be a Tory and rich enough to

redeem it for them. What did they spend the money on? I've told you. No, come

on, he didn't spend all the money on you gays.

Well, there is the fire brigade, there is the police force, there is the public

libraries, there's education.

Education?

Don't spend much on that. Not round here. There's two short planks round

And public libraries?

I've never been in a public library in my life. I don't see why I should have

pay for that.

You was in one the other day.

Only shelter from the rain.

Mr Garnett doesn't read books.

No, well, I've got more to do with my time than sit reading books and stuffing

my head full of bloody nonsense. And the fire brigade?

I've never called the fire brigade out once in my life. So why should I have to

pay for other people's fires, eh? Come on, Al.

You can't turn the fire brigade into a private enterprise fire brigade.

I mean, having people phoning up, getting quotations when they go to their

on fire.

I mean, can you imagine?

Oh, hello.

Tell me, how big is your fire?

How many engines do you think you would require?

We are charging £40 for each room, depending on the blaze.

£10 extra if it's upstairs.

All on site.

I know, look.

You've got a burglar.

You phone up, I've got a burglar, how much to get rid of a burglar?

How big is it, I say?

In the arm, they say.

So if you've got a gun, it'll cost you extra.

No, I'm not arguing that, Arthur. All I'm saying is if you don't use the

facilities that much, you should get a rebate. Like a no -claims bonus?

Yeah, when you've got a big house full of valuables, well, you use the police

force more, don't you? Yeah. And you get burgled more often. Yeah. And you lose

a lot more if you have a fire.

Yeah. No burglar coming to us.

We've only got to look through the windows and nobody will burgle us.

It's our rates that build the bloody prisons they keep trying to burn down.

We wouldn't need prisoners if it weren't for the bloody criminals.

They should be made to pay for them. Give them a bill when they leave.

What, like hotels do?

Yeah, bloody good idea.

Very good deterrent that would be.

Make them pay for any breakages.

They wouldn't be so keen to riot then if they had to pay for the damage they've

done. In any way, this council's not too bad.

I mean, at least you can sleep safe in your bed knowing that if there was a war

with Russia, we won't have no nuclear bombs dropped on us.

Sorry? Well, we're a nuclear -free zone. It's on all the landforms.

Look, I don't know why you complain.

It's the likes of you they're spending the money on.

It's the bloody town hall staff they're spending the money on, mate.

It's only the national health. All that money should be spent on the patients,

not on the staff.

It's only the poor bloody patients they begrudge spending the money on, it seems

to me.

You didn't do too bad out of it. You've got a new hip. I paid him for that,

mate. I paid him more than that cost, don't you worry. And besides, I wore me

own hip out serving this country.

I've never let a penny out of the health service.

It was all paying for me, all the time, paying. That's all I've ever done. Well,

what about your chest?

I've got nothing in my chest.

I mean, that insurance...

National Health have never paid me a penny for my chest.

And don't you think it could do with a few pounds being spent on it?

I mean, I know I've got to live with it.

Can't they do one of them transplants on it? Eh?

Don't talk bloody daft. They don't do chest transplants, do they?

They gave you a new hip. Yeah, but hip's not the same as a chest, is it? No, I

know hip's not the same as a chest.

But I don't see if they could make you a new hip. Why can't they make him a new

chest? Hip is a bone, isn't it? Your chest ain't. It's got bones in it. Yeah,

know, but it's got other things in it too, isn't it? What?

Whoa.

All sorts of bits and pieces in there.

I mean, your hip is just the one bone, isn't it?

Hearts ain't bones. I know, but hearts ain't the same as chests, are they, my

dear? But heart is part of your chest. Yeah, I know, Arthur, but you can move

heart, can't you?

I mean, you take a heart out of one person and bung it into another person.

can't do that with a chest. How do you know?

Well, it's a well -known fact.

Oh, so you say.

Look. They do kidney transplants. I know.

Liver transplants. I know. They should give you one of them. Might make you a

bit more agreeable in the morning.

No, you can't have chest transplants, Mrs. Oldingbury.

Now, you stick your name down, Arthur, because with these modern medical

miracles, they might soon get round to it. But why they want to start patching

and mending up people, I don't know.

Especially older people. I mean, it's like putting a new engine in a clapped

-out car.

I mean, they're all very well, these modern medical miracles. Will you take a

man like Arthur? There's no offence meant here, Arthur, but put a new chest

him by all means.

But the rest of him doesn't warrant it.

He's like him and his hip.

What does he do with it? He doesn't use it. He just sits around here with it or

sits at home with it. He could have done that with the old one.

Pain, mate.

I was in pain.

So you was in pain, but a couple of jars of Aspros would have been less of a

burden on the taxpayer.

I paid him for that. If I told you I'm not a bloody scrounger.

You know, there's more and more of you lot every year, you know.

Pulling in your pensions, little allowance here, another allowance there.

should not expect to live forever and for nothing.

I paid in, I paid in. How many more bloody times have I got to tell you?

but not enough.

I mean, these things don't come for free, you know.

Someone's got to pay for all this spare part surgery.

That's where all the government money's going. Listen, I work hard.

I'm clobbered for taxes, not for something that I need. I can look after

but I'm paying out for all these old people pottering on into their 90s and

100s. And it's not like they give them any work to do. They could be sweeping

the streets. Couldn't they have jobs? They could be picking up litter.

But all this idea of they just have to sit around doing nothing at home, that's

a mistake and a terrifying burden on the rest of us. I've paid in since I was

14. I've never...

out of them. The same as me. And now it's coming near our turn, Arthur. See,

when, you know, when there's likely to be things going wrong with us, then

they're running out of money.

Yeah, well, they've already spent some of our money.

That money should be put aside for us. They should say, there you are.

There is Mr.

Alfred Garnett's money.

And there is Mr. Artie Luscombe's money. That's for them for when they need it.

What about my money?

All right, there's Mrs. Ollenbury's money.

You haven't given me as much as you. Would you shut up?

Their money should be put in the bank, should be waiting for us when we want

Yeah, and if we're never ill, they should let us have holiday with it.

if I want a new kidney or Arthur wants a new chest, we should... Or I want to go

to the Isle of Wight.

We shouldn't have to queue up for it.

Because we're already in credit, which you're about to say to them, look, just

give us the money, what we paid in, we'll buy our own chest, our own kidney,

the open market. On the open market?

Well, they're doing that now.

The other week, a bloke bought a kidney from Turkey, didn't he?

All right, it was a foreign kidney, but it was a new one.

Well, fresh.

No, let's stop all that. Why?

What's wrong with it? If it's your own money, you've got to buy what you bloody

would like with it. No, but it's got to be donated.

You can't go around buying and selling bits of people. Oh, I see, I see.

It's back to something for nothing again, is it?

So, if Arthur was to see a new chest he liked, I mean, one that would suit him

better than the one that he's got, he wouldn't be allowed to buy it? No. No,

even if the person wanted to sell it? I mean, even if, like, he was hard up,

say, or he wanted to buy a new car?

I mean, he might want a new house or redecorate his own one.

No. Although it's his own kidney, his own whatever, he's not allowed to sell

and do himself a bit of good. Oh, no. He's got to give it away.

That's bloody socialism, that is. It's not market forces, is it? Do you know

what, Arthur? Them kidneys is fetching £6 ,000 apiece.

£6 ,000 apiece. Well, I mean, who in their right minds is going to give it

I mean, if they can fetch £6 ,000.

I mean, would you?

You know, your party is the Labour Party, Mr Garnett. The old people's

the caring party.

But at whose expense?

Lord, apart from that it and mine, I've never had a day off work in my life.

Oh, don't worry, you'll be one of those who go off quickly one day and go on

tomorrow.

There's no one time for any planning and make it awkward for everybody.

Oh, I'm sorry. You'd rather I had a nice long illness, would you? Hang about and

suffer a bit.

No, I don't think I'd like to see you suffer, but it would be more considerate

if you took a bit of time over it. I mean, I don't like people popping off

sudden. It's inconvenient.

Oh, I wouldn't wish to inconvenience you, my dear.

No, it's not funny, because there's so much to do when somebody dies.

And it's so much easier if you can get a bit of warning and a chance to prepare.

It's all right, Maya.

We're only talking about it. I'm not going yet.

Bloody Nugent, the undertaker.

I hate him, the way he sits there with that bloody grin of his.

Oh, he's all right, Mr Nugent, yeah.

He's very helpful.

I've joined his funeral club. You've done what?

For you.

For you. I don't want to be caught out sudden.

Well, let me tell you a few shillings of it.

Here, listen.

He'd like your measurements and weights.

When you've got time, he likes to be prepared, you see.

He has to order the wood.

And the angles and all those sort of things, you know. He told me he can't

afford to carry much stock these days because everything is so expensive. Oh,

true, true. And, I mean, he hates it when they pop off, doesn't he? I don't

to join his bloody funeral club.

If I can afford to join clubs, there's other clubs I'd rather belong to.

You want a decent scent off, don't you?

I'm not that bothered, particular. I mean, you've got money to spare, my

I'd rather you spend it on me here now rather than spend it on him after I've

gone. What did you sod off?

I agree with Mr Garnett. You don't want to pay for anything in advance when you

get to his age, right? Pay for everything in arrears, especially your

and your rent.

Now is your time for running up debt, mate, if you can.

Go on, Alf.

It's your round.

See if you can get it on the slate.

Did you turn the lights off before we come out?

There wasn't any lights to turn off. There was a power failure.

There were switches to turn off, wasn't there?

God, Benny, I'm not made of money, you know.

And all I ever spoke in the...

There. Off, on.

See? Off, on.

Off, on. Off, on.

Off.

Oh, that's very clever. Now, you will be saving electric.

You've blown the fuse.

I'll blow your bloody fuse in a minute.

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