Original subtitles

Now, my old darling, they laid her down to rest, and now I'm missing her with

all me heart.

But they don't give a monkey's damnity, I just said, and they'd call it off me

pension for a start.

But it won't be very long before I'm on that plane off to Aussie where they're

going to poverty too.

But richer, not poorer, cos I'm fed up being skid, that's why in 60s and in L4s

they are too.

Come all this way to Australia just to drive for Bleem Jungle.

off if you want to pee.

Got to be careful around here.

This is crocodile country we're in now.

Come on, Ricky. There are no crocodiles in these parts.

They've been seen.

Still, a few crocs wouldn't bother old Alfie, Alf.

A tough old Brit like him.

We're safe enough here.

I mean, sitting in this truck, right? Oh, too right.

I mean, if it's dangerous, we shouldn't be here, should we?

What are you, scared, Alf?

No.

No, I wasn't thinking to myself.

I mean, we've got the women here.

You don't worry about it, you crocs, Alf.

They're all right.

He's a good old boy.

Why do they say don't go near them and keep away from them? Well, it's not

because he doesn't like us, Alf.

He likes us.

He likes us the way we like steak.

Sharks, he's frightened of. Shut up. Well, the sharks like the croc, don't

He likes us like we like fish and chips.

Look, I'm busting. Over there.

Give you a little tip, Alf.

If you've never been near a croc before, watch your legs.

You're frightening Mr.

Garnet. No.

Frighten an old warrior like him? Get out of it. I'm not frightened.

There's nothing to be frightened of. Oh, she's never been crock hunting.

Neither have you.

Oh, you don't know everything I do.

Now, I can arrange a day's hunting for you, Al, if you'd like that, wouldn't

you? Yeah.

Yeah, I would like it, but I don't think I'll have time. You know, what with the

wedding arrangements. I mean, I've got to think of her. Listen, it'll only be

for a day.

Hey, I take you, Arthur.

Only, uh, you don't want to crowd.

You see, the croc will not come out when there's a crowd.

See, he gets confused.

Yeah, well, see, I've got this chest of mine anyway, and with the heat out

here, well, it could do for me.

Oh, that's not going to bother Al. No, I've got my leg. See, you know that leg

of mine. Listen, we're not going to walk there, Al. No, but I wouldn't want to

let you down with it.

Let me down?

You've got to be joking.

Don't be ridiculous.

Come on, Al.

Please bear.

That's blowing back in.

You can't understand English, you see.

Um, hello.

Hello, John John.

White man.

Understandee?

Me a black man phone me across big water.

He do my shopping. He make my tea.

Tea. Understandee?

He very good boy.

Me from England.

Home of great white queen.

You see her on the telly. She come from sky.

A big white bird.

Look, me come here and... Crocodile.

Crocodile. Understandee?

For a bag.

For my missy.

My woman.

You have woman?

Bugger off, you old fool.

You've got work to do. Get it?

Understandee?

It's only papier -mâché. No, Ricky, don't.

It's only a joke.

It could frighten him. It could give him a heart attack. It really could. He's

an old man.

Oh, do it.

It'll be good for a laugh. It's all right.

Just a laugh, that's all.

You've got to have a laugh now and again. Yeah.

thought, is it? Someone yelled, Crocodile, I had to act fast. I didn't

was him.

I mean, they move fast, them buggers.

He said so himself, like grease lightning, they are.

He said so.

There's women and children. That's all I had time to think.

People are in danger. That's all I had in my mind.

Oh, you moved fast, Alfred. I had to take the bugger out quick.

I only had a piece of wood.

I had no time to think, Arthur.

Well, you don't, do you? I'm not in a situation like that.

Then I was in, falling about.

Very silly thing to do, if you ask me.

Ought to know better.

Now I heard Arthur yell out, Mrs. Olinbury scream, I saw the crocodile and

I was out.

Just a piece of wood, Arthur.

That's all I heard.

Small piece of wood. I mean, people hunt them things, don't they, with guns.

It wasn't a real crocodile.

I didn't know that, did I?

It was only for Ricky.

Well, now, fair do's. He didn't know it was Ricky.

He thought he was a crocodile.

I felt proud. I must say that. I felt proud of him. Yeah, well,

you've got to have a laugh, have you?

Good night.

Do you start with me?

Do you start with me, Mrs... Mooney?

Ricky.

That house deal I've been telling you about. It's 20 grand. Give us the deal.

Listen, it's worth 120.

It's a gift any way you look at it. It's a neat deal.

It's 100 grand profit cut two ways. You want it for 10?

Well,

you know me. Am I simple?

Yeah, of course there'll be closers.

Yeah, all our way.

They're old people. They won't last long. A few years.

Hang on.

Hello? Listen, of course I can swing it. She's me sister. She trusts me.

Listen, I can't talk now. Come over, eh?

It's London proper.

Yeah. Yeah, it's climbing all the time.

Yeah, look at the prices.

It's offshore. Yeah. Look, come over.

Right.

Cigar. Oh. Oh, for you. Oh.

You got a light?

Nice house, isn't it?

Not bad.

Food's good, too.

Not bad.

For nothing.

All right?

Happy?

Well?

Have a nice trip over?

On the plane, was it comfortable?

I think too good ticket, too good seat.

It's a long way.

You've got to be comfortable, your age, eh?

Well, in club class, you've got all that leg room, haven't you?

We wasn't in club class.

We were in economy.

Bloody cramped, it was, too. I know you wasn't in bloody club class!

I caught you, haven't I? I've been down my luck, it's you've been through my...

Come, come, the old innocent.

You've been through my case. I sent two clubs over and you traded them in for

economies and you stuck to the rest. You've been through my personal

Don't come to the old injured party with me, sunshine. I have caught you. No,

no, you're the one who's been caught.

You've been, yes, you've been down my belongings. Arthur, you're a witness.

been poking about in my personal private belongings.

There's laws against that. In my house, in my house.

Searching for things in my own house.

In anybody's house. That's private property. That case is my personal

property. What's going on? I just caught a thief. Fraud, fraud, he's had me

over. He's been in my room. My room. What have you been doing? What have I

doing? Ask him, ask him what he's been doing. He's been down my bag, he's

into my case. I'm the injured party, don't let him come the old innocent.

case was locked and hidden, I did it.

You hid your case in my house. Well, I'm sharing a room, aren't I?

No.

Nothing against you, but I'm in better safe than sorry. Look, you can't blame

me. He's been into it. He's found it. Poking about in there. I mean, trying to

find people's personal belongings and breaking into them. I was just having a

look. Just having a look at my house. Just having a look. That case was under

the bleeding floorboards.

Under the floorboards?

I can look under floorboards in my own house, Adolf. Two club tickets I bought,

eh? These are economies, bloody economies.

He's had me over. That's how he brought his friend over.

Who invited him? I didn't. I've had to put him up. I've had to feed him. He's

another mouth.

I'm sorry. I'm not blaming you. It's him.

Sticking me with strangers.

Filling my house with strangers.

He's not a stranger. He's my friend. How do I know who he is?

I don't even know who you are.

I open my house to strangers.

I act the genial host. And he ticks me with strangers.

How do I know who these people are?

No offense.

I said I was sorry. I'm not blaming you. Well, I'll go.

Well, I'd say a rewet. He's here to marry your sister.

Right, then get a priest, get her married, and out back to where they

came from.

Now look what you've done. Not her. I didn't mean her.

I'm sorry about it. Not him. I didn't mean him.

She's got nothing to cry about.

I'd be good to her. I brought her over here.

I've offered to buy their house.

Buy my house?

Lend you the money?

Did you say buy? My house?

Lend you the money for it.

Listen, why are we arguing, eh?

We're all family, for Christ's sake, eh?

Come on.

Let's have a drink.

What's the misunderstanding, eh? We are family. We are all family.

There's no time for long faces, eh?

We are going to have a wedding, eh? Ha -ha!

Brother -in -law.

Willy Walker Black Label.

He's got stacks of it down there. Yeah.

Good alfalfa. Good alfalfa.

Oh, look at that.

Does he know you're drinking it? No.

With any luck, he'll be home before he finds out.

a fresh one tomorrow.

Look, I'm not coming.

Wait a minute. Let me go over it again.

Yeah. What's the outlay topar? Two airfares from London. Two clubs and my

feeding them here. And the crappy old bugger's done a deal on the tickets,

brought his friend over and stuck for about $1 ,800.

Of your money?

Our money.

He's a sly old bugger. He's going to block it.

Anyway, this house deal, it's your sister's, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, she's me

sister, but we're not close.

I mean, I haven't seen her for over 30 years.

You could have knocked me down with a feather when I heard from her.

Listen, I don't mind telling you, I nearly threw the letter away.

I mean, I don't want to hear about relations, all their bloody problems, do

Then I see this bit about the house.

There they are.

Her and this decrepit old sod she wants to marry in a property worth £120 ,000,

a girl in, which they can buy for 20.

So we advance them the money? Well, we give them a mortgage.

It's a good investment, right? I mean, neither of them have got very long to

live.

Make him try some papers.

You know, a normal security governing the loan, plus some special small print

favouring yours truly as a dear devoted brother sort of thing, which they won't

want to read, because I'm a close relation who can be trusted.

Then we sit back, look forward to a double funeral, eh?

Another thing, he's got a blackie living with him there now. How do we get

him out? We don't.

We put more in.

Fill the house with blackies.

Make it look like we're nice people.

Lower the land values of all the houses in the street. Then buy them up even

cheaper. Drive the wife out.

Then bye -bye Blackbird.

One little snag.

Some of these old folks live to ripe old ages.

Oh, yeah.

Well, just have to spit it out.

Let's hope God's good and takes them early.

This bloody beer's hot. Oh, jeez, I've forgotten. I've got some out here. Over

here, Dougie, in the fridge.

The earth is full of deceit!

Now, you're right.

Alf, you know that economy ticket, what you said you got cheap from that bucket

shop? The one I paid you 200 pounds for?

Yes.

Yeah, well, um... I haven't finished potting up yet, Arthur.

Here. You don't think that I would...

My friend.

Oh, I feel dizzy.

Oh, I feel like... I feel like I've been sucked in.

I can't look.

That Ricky's a crook, right?

Vended a three -pound note, right?

Will you try telling her that?

She won't believe what we heard. She thinks I'm making it up.

Never mind her. You've got to think about yourself.

You're right, Arthur.

Who's soft with her?

Take his money. Even that money. Take their money.

Don't sign nothing over here.

Do it with an English lawyer.

Don't mess about with these crooks over there.

Yeah, the criminal bloody runs right through them out here, doesn't he?

Buy the house with their money.

Sell it to the insurance company.

They'll give you a large lump sum that you live in the house till your demise.

Then they take back the house.

You ask Johnson, he knows all about it.

Let them two, them two clowns, Mooney and Ricky, let them whistle for the

money, eh?

I don't think they're likely to let you get away with that.

Well, them two, the powers that be, see, it's not strictly legal now.

Yeah, but what they're trying to do to me ain't strictly legal neither.

Well, yes, Alf, it is. See, that's why you have the small print, to make it

strictly legal.

They print it so small as possible.

So that the human eye can hardly read it.

So what do you mean I'd have to give them the 20 ,000 quid back?

Not right away.

Beers fly to them.

See, put it in the bank, collect the interest.

You're going to be in England, down over there.

They'll be looking for a lawyer.

You'll get legal aid.

Old age pensioner. Can't read or write. Ignorant.

Don't understand finances.

It could be years before it's settled.

You could be ill, lose your memory, don't know where the bank is.

Make it your senile even.

And with a bit of luck, you could die before it settled.

I hope so.

Oh, no.

Dear Lord, no!

First John's over, get me hands on some money, and I'm going to die if I have a

chance to spend it. It's not bloody fair.

If you do that, I'll take it with you.

What do you think of Australia?

What you've seen of it so far?

Well, I mean, for convicts, you've done pretty well, right, Arthur? Oh, yeah,

yeah, yeah. I mean, they've done better than that lot up Wormwood Scrubs, eh? I

mean, you wouldn't go up Wormwood Scrubs for holiday or get married, would you?

No, it was hard when they first came here. Had to be, Arthur, had to be.

was dangerous criminals.

See what a good, short, sharp shock does to me.

They're not all descended from criminals, you know.

Who's that?

It was all the screws and the families.

No, I mean, credit where it's due. This is the best outing prison I've ever

seen.

So,

you're Ricky's sister.

Oh, glad to meet you.

And you're from England.

Do you have to go back there?

I suppose you do. Our government's getting very fussy who they let in these

days.

Well, I mean to say your age would go against you too, you know, if nothing

did.

Can't you claim asylum?

Oh, it must be awful living in England with all those royals stealing all your

money. But are your royal family too?

Just as long as we don't have to pay anything towards their keep.

We've got our own... corruption out here thank you oh mind

you it is honest corruption and none of your bloody english hypocrisy you

know oh yes yes we're getting very fussy who we let into australia these days we

are no longer the refuge for the rest of the world's failures

I've only come here to get married.

Oh.

That'll do the trick.

You marry an Aussie and I'll have to let you stay.

I'm marrying an Englishman.

Oh.

Really?

Which one is he?

I'm forever blowing bubbles.

Him.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

I'm joking.

Ah,

you poor dear.

Draw yourself out.

You've met my business acquaintance, Moony. He's coming in with me to help

buy a house. There you go.

I'm too pleased to help you out.

I'll bet you are.

We're going to form a little consortium, just the two of us.

Well, I shall have to watch the small print then, shall I?

Oh, no.

Small print, small print. You don't have to worry about small print.

Leave all the...

Look to me. Look, I know business.

Do I know business?

You just enjoy your house.

You'd be a proud property owner, eh?

My brother -in -law.

This is my brother -in -law.

Charge your glasses and drink to my brother -in -law.

Alf Garner, the wonderful human being.

And my sister, eh?

The little girl he's going to marry.

Happy couple.

They're all bloody mick, they are.

It's probably a nest of IRA fundraisers.

That's not a shop they're bloody laughing at.

Get the money out of them first.

Muck in with them until you get the mortgage.

Right.

I'll tell you one thing about your mick, Tarver. Do you know what I drink?

Oh, yes.

Fair do. You've got to give them that. Right.

Aye, aye.

Ice King, Queen Jack.

This is him.

Monsignor. So you're the lucky man who's going to marry this lovely woman.

It's a mixed marriage, though, I hear.

Normal mixture. Man and woman.

You're not a Catholic.

No, I'm not. I'm English.

Yes, I know.

And so is Mrs. Hollingbrake.

And she's a good Catholic.

And the church is not pleased when a good Catholic contracts a marriage

We wasn't thinking of getting married outside.

Monsignor.

I think you'd better talk to me.

No, listen, I'm...

Trying to explain to you, see, this is ours. We own Australia.

Captain Cook, he was an Englishman, and he went and he found it. He got a really

great flag, and he... He's done!

Another possession for her, Nancy, the Queen to own.

King George III?

No, Nancy, Queen Elizabeth I.

Preserve what got the Empire.

Oh, and Drakey. I mean, he helped.

No, it was King George the First. He sent Cook out here.

He'd been here before Cook when he first found it, but when he got back, George,

that's King George, said to him, he said, what's that Australia like?

And Captain Cook said, well, it's nothing much.

I've shoved a flag up there, he said, but I don't think it's worth another

I mean, we found it first. Oh, yeah. We did, weren't we? Why, you do.

You had our permission to live here, all you lot. You was our colonial, see? No,

no, no. We give them our own rules, see.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, you see.

King George didn't send Captain Cook back out here again because he wanted it

a proper colony.

See, he agreed with Cook when Cook said it was a bumhole of the world.

What he wanted, see, is what he told Cook.

Somewhere to dump all his rubbish.

A tip?

Yes, sir. A tip, yeah, yes.

I saw a rubbish tip. A tip for the rest of the empire.

No, mother.

Letter.

Honestly, but what I said is right. I mean, it is ours.

What about Ireland?

What about Ireland? That was ours.

That belonged to the Irish.

We found that. If you read your history books, Sonny, you might learn, Sonny.

Sit down and shut up.

Ireland?

Ireland was ours, too.

It was given to all of Essex by Queen Elizabeth I.

Was it what?

That was Elizabeth? Oh, yeah, that was Elizabeth.

I mean, she gave it to him as a present. Not that he bloody wanted it.

He got home, he said to his wife, the Countess of Essex, he said, yeah, he

the Queen has given me Ireland.

She said, I thought she was supposed to like you.

Can't you swap it in for something else?

A mix? I mean, they're not proper English.

It's the same with your taffies and your jocks.

None of them are proper English. They're just the wreckage of the Spanish and

French armadas what swam ashore after Drake and Nelson had sunk the banner.

You don't think we're up in the old pub, are you, do you? If you wasn't my

brother -in -law, I ain't, am I? The money, the money.

Our investment, Ricky. Our investment.

This is your party. It's in your honour. Over here. When I see your eyes are

smiling, all the world seems bright.

Monsignor, you in the bleeding frock, without none of that bloody Irish

let's have a good old English song.

Roll...

It's good to be home again.

Safe in England.

Cos it won't be very long before I'm on that plane off to Aussie where they've

got a bob at two.

I'm far richer, not poorer, cos I'm fed up with these kids. That's why in

sickness and in health I'll say I...

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