Original subtitles

Now, my old darling, they laid her down to rest. And now I'm missing her with

all me heart.

But they don't give a monkey's down at the age of death. They call it off me

pension for a start.

But it won't be very long before I'm on that plane off to Aussie where they've

got a proper two.

For richer, not poorer, cos I'm fed up being skid. That's why in 60s and in the

old folks they are too.

Once more, we'll take this out of there, folks.

Well,

how are you liking Australia?

Oh, he's frightened of the snakes and spiders.

Is he?

No, I'm not.

I told him not to worry.

Yeah, don't worry. I'll just be careful in the toilet.

Huh?

Yeah. If things can go out through the drains, things can come in through the

drains.

A thick insect.

That's bloody big, isn't it? I don't think so. Only one thing you've got to

worry about, Ian, and that is the funnel web and redback spiders.

They're your killers.

Oh, there is an antidote for them, but it's not much use.

You see, you've only got three minutes.

Hardly time to say a prayer.

I'll give you a little tip, Al.

If you're going to get bit by one, try and be near a hospital.

Listen, uh, me sister was saying you're a bit bored. You ain't seen much.

Oh, I mean, you know, you come all this way, you want to see a bit.

Why don't you get on a bus and go down to Manly? It's not far.

Get out and get some sun on you.

With a bit of luck, I might have got rid of him for a while.

He's an awful man.

Must have been bloody mad to invite him over.

I did wonder.

You haven't got any more family like that, have you? No, thank God.

When I look at them, I know why I left England.

See, I'm bloody glad I came here all those years ago.

I might have had them living round the corner to me.

They haven't been out of the house since they arrived.

Well, I've tried.

I've given them directions to everywhere.

Ayers Rock.

Alice Springs.

The Barrier Reef.

Fiji, Honolulu, Beirut. I wish I could do that.

I hope they realise you're only joking.

Oh, bloody relations.

She's your sister.

They must realise I'm not keen, though.

I try hard not to show it, but you know me. I'm no actress. I can't hide my

feelings. I'm an open book. That's my trouble.

You're a bloody snob. That's your trouble.

That's not true. I put up with a lot of your friends.

How do we get to manly?

I thought she'd never ask.

Here we are, eh?

Come on, in case you're going.

Well, it's more like it, isn't it, eh?

It's a real pub, this is.

It's a good beer, too.

It's a bit like the old anchor at Whoppin' Ispa.

Remember the anchor at Whoppin' Ispa?

The courage house, wasn't it?

No, Taylor Whoppin'. Are you sure?

Positive.

Stuck on a quarter just like this one. Big pub it was.

They reckon old Joe Starlin used to use it.

Joe Starlin? Yeah, when he lived in Whoppin', he used it all the time, I

Sit there in a quarter all on his own.

Nice bloke he was, they reckon.

Yeah, well, he was in them days.

Never thought...

To know him then, I suppose that he'd turn out the way he did.

Still, he might not have been a communist in them days.

Bloody good dash play, was there, Rex?

He'd sit there, all on his own in a corner, deep in thought some nights.

People used to say, hello, he's thinking.

Probably planning his revolution, eh?

That's my dad.

Used to have a joke with him, cos he liked a joke, my dad.

He used to call out to him and say, All right, Joe? All right, Joe, having a

little think?

Oh, Brian, he was a card, my dad.

Cos he couldn't hardly speak a word of English, old Starling.

He was Russian, wasn't he?

Yes. He'd become their leader.

I didn't know Starling knew, sir.

People used to say that Hitler did when he lived in Worthington.

Talking about the same Hitler I'm talking about.

I'm talking about the German Hitler.

I'm talking about the German Hitler.

What, the one we had the war with?

We only had a war with the one Hitler.

Well, he didn't live in Liverpool, though.

Before he come to live in Wapping, he did, he did.

Oh, I don't get all toffee.

Look, he got off the boat in Liverpool because that is as far as he could

to travel, I suppose.

He wasn't a rich man, not in them days.

He didn't make his money till he become the head of Germany.

That's why he got a job in Liverpool, I suppose, you know, waiting on tables

till he'd saved up enough money to get down to London.

I didn't know that.

Not many who do are.

There was talk of a girl up there.

Didn't work out.

Sad I say.

Something it would.

A man like him.

He was the bad sort, not in them days, so they say the people knew him.

Makes you think, though, doesn't it? I mean, if he'd have married that girl up

in Liverpool, well, we might not have had that war with him, eh? He might have

settled down in Liverpool and lived up the ever -after as a waiter.

In any event, he'd been on our side then. That's right.

And we could have done with him too, couldn't we? I guess it turned out.

It did.

Stalin has stayed in Wapping too. Well, there you are. I mean, with them two on

our side. Right, right.

That last one would have been no contest, wouldn't it, eh?

I never trusted Hitler.

On the first day I saw him, I said then, I don't trust that man, I said. There's

something about him.

It's all right.

Never appealed to me.

Hitler was all right.

Well, he was in them days.

He killed millions of Jews.

All right.

He had his faults.

He was a blameless, a branch.

Well, it's all over now anyway, isn't it? It's all over and done.

And after all, they did crucify our Lord.

Lord Jesus.

They nailed him to the cross, didn't they?

Was it for a Catholic?

I don't know if he was a good Catholic.

I believe he was a Catholic.

Oh, he was a good Catholic.

Oh, was he? Well, he must have got the bloody confession a few times.

Are you going for a walk on the front?

In a minute, in a minute.

They ain't shut yet, are they?

Oh, we're not going to wait here till they do, are we?

No, just have a couple more, that's all. Just a couple.

What's this called, then? This bit of water?

Well, whatever it is, it'll be English.

So we give them all English names.

When we run the world, we give them all their own bit of water they can put

their boats on.

Oh, that was generous of us, Elf.

Is the Earth is wrapped?

So some people say.

It's never been proved, Arthur.

Look, Elf, if the world was flat, you'd be able to see across the Mars, the

Mars, the Mars.

Not with these national half -glasses I put on.

Here you are.

Is it... Is that someone in trouble out there?

No.

It is. Look, it's Granny.

But, blimey, I see him and I can't see nothing through these glasses.

Hey.

Hello? Hey!

Hello?

Excuse me. You the lifesaver?

Yeah, that's right, mate. Well, look, I think there's someone in trouble out

there. Where?

Over there.

See, look, his arm's waving.

Yeah, I think you're right, mate.

Yeah, it could be someone in trouble.

Well, ain't you going to go in after him?

It's on my part of the beach, mate.

You see, where are you? Someone else is in charge of that area.

You see, I'm responsible for all that air from over there just up to here.

Go in after him!

I can't, mate. He's not in my sector. Someone else is in charge of that area.

He won't go in and get that poor bugger because the bloody demarcation, bloody

union.

The one Margaret Thatcher out here.

I don't think there was anyone out there, was there? There was, there was.

his arm waving.

I never saw her arm waving.

If you were out that far, it could be a trick of the night.

Look, there's somebody there, I saw it.

And he won't go in because the bloody union, bloody demarcation.

You heard him say it. He was having you.

He was, mate. The poor bugger's grinding out there.

Yeah, well, yeah.

That could have been a shark. I mean, a shark would have been that far out. He

looked like an arm -waving, wouldn't he?

All right.

We could go in and see, couldn't we?

Hey!

You know something, mate? I think you're right.

I think that is a shark out there.

I think I'd better raise the alarm.

Now, you tell your friend not to go in, all right?

Sharks!

Sharks!

Sharks in the water. They don't come up on the beach.

Here.

Look.

Gosh, the arpa.

I've seen it.

Look at that.

You can see the... Come on, you can see the pimples, everything.

Disgusting. You walk too fast.

Don't look over there. Disgusting.

You're the one who shouldn't be looking.

I've never seen anything like that before.

High opening that is, isn't it?

Laying there, boulders, brass, no shame, nothing.

Laying there for everyone to look at.

Anyone who walks faster.

Or one of your priests. You don't have to look.

No, no, I'm not.

What are you doing there? I don't want to.

I don't want to.

Harper!

There. A good trip this Harper, isn't it?

We're out to be British, isn't it? Our lads conquered all of this.

Not only this.

India, Africa, the Americas, Canada, everything nearly.

We won the world in them days.

There was a bad place for it. Are you asking any of them cubby shops back

They'll have us back tomorrow.

And the old Royal Navy come steaming in here.

And the flagship will fire a 21 -gun salute.

Bang!

You don't know that my hostess is here, eh?

Makes you cry, doesn't it?

Can we get a cup of tea?

Look, we're going through the history of England here, and she wants a cup of

tea. In a minute!

Yeah. That's that opera house they're all talking about, isn't it?

Prison Labour, that.

It's a good band, isn't it?

Opera houses in a place like this.

Well, they've all gone now, aren't they? Sort of keeping up with the Joneses

sort of thing.

Yeah, but I'm in a seaside town, not in a seaside town.

No, I mean, you've got... They want it to be seen. I mean, you've got opera

house. You want people to see it. You want people to know you've got it, you

know. Well, that's what I'm saying. I mean, a theatre, yeah.

A pavilion, a band, then, yeah. But opera house, I mean, not in a seaside.

Here would be better.

Like Southend, you've got arcades and I'll grant you that.

What about the tour?

Oh, dear.

Wouldn't mind spending half an hour in the opera house watching that.

You'd be a bit near the knuckles having him, wouldn't you?

Yeah, but them birds back there.

I'd love a cup of tea.

All right.

Here, go and get free and bring us some change and all.

Opera house at the seaside.

People come to the seaside to enjoy themselves, don't they?

Not least for a lot of preaching women and...

I like the song myself, but I've never seen the music in it.

It's not opera.

It might be all right if you're following it, though.

It's not my cup of tea, so I enjoy a song, but it's got to have a tune to it.

There'll be bluebirds over, the white things are over.

You see, that's what they ain't got off.

White cliffs.

It's amazing, really, how Cook farmed this place, isn't it?

Didn't, did he?

Well, he got blown here, didn't he? I mean, he wasn't out looking for it, you

know. He was probably out sailing one afternoon with his mates, waiting for

pub to open, and he just got blown.

It's a long way to get blown, Alf.

Yeah, well, time was different to them, wasn't it?

I mean...

Everything took longer in them days. I mean, to get from Devon to London took

you four weeks in them days.

Yeah.

By the way, the traffic's building up today.

Could be four weeks again very soon.

That's where they first landed?

That's it, my dear.

That's where Captain Cook landed, dropped his anchor, and he wrapped a

Lucky he found it.

By the time he got here, he must have been well short of food and water.

He'd have been very quick on round the corner there to the next beach.

He looked for all the shops, though.

There was nothing here when he first landed.

Well, there's nothing here now.

Aren't you there?

Hardly worth finding in the first place, you ask me.

I suppose.

That's why they're turning it into a prison settlement. Couldn't see any

use for it much.

Is it ocean?

Yes, this is your Pacific Ocean.

It's not the same water we get then.

Some of it could be.

Where does it get here then?

It floats here.

No, it's not your London water. Your London water is fed from your channel.

Look, our waters are, our own waters as they are called, wait out there in the

channel until we are ready to sail on.

Or paddle in them.

You can't paddle in the English Channel, my dear.

If it's not too deep, you can.

Well, it is too bloody deep, isn't it? Not near the beach, it's not. Oh,

the boats don't sail near the beach, do they? They do in my age.

The Skylarks, you're in a ride.

You have to paddle to get on them.

Look, I don't want to paddle.

I do.

Do you want to paddle, Arthur?

I don't mind, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, you have been warned about the sharks,

haven't you? I mean, you can read, my dear, can you?

Hey, over there says Danger Sharks.

There won't be any sharks there, Ralph.

If there was, they'd be off running.

There's no sharks, Arthur. Why do they go to all the trouble of putting up a

sign, putting up a sign that says Danger Sharks, eh? Keep people like you off

the beach.

Because the sharks are out farther.

Well, why don't they put the bleeding pole out farther?

Probably the pole was a bit too short.

I fancy a paddle.

I mean, we come all this way.

We should have a paddle.

All right, go in for a paddle. Go on. Go in for a bloody paddle. Go on, get in

there. And if one of them things bites your foot off, don't you start moaning

about it ruining our holiday. That's all.

You get attacked, missus. You get attacked.

I'm not coming in after you.

You? You're frightening your own shadow.

They don't come on the beach.

Oh, look at that! Look at that!

Wait, wait!

She'll be all right. Come on, Alf.

I hope one does get her.

I'm so very well at laughing, making fun. That's not the point, is it? I

this is a wild place.

Why take chances?

She gets swept out. I mean, there's nobody here to go in after, is there?

I can swim a bit.

So can I.

I'll go in after her.

So will I, but it's not fair. I mean, it's not just her holiday that's going

be ruined. It's all of us, isn't it?

Not just her.

I mean, if one of them things takes her leg off, it's going to put a right

damper on it for all of us, isn't it?

I didn't wish you never found the bloody place now.

Oh, cook.

Bloody cook.

She's going away. She's carrying on now.

beginning to wish I'd never heard of the place.

We're going to have to put your foot down. I will, don't you worry.

Can't be well at the moment.

Living in a brother's house and still caught in love we are.

Got to let her have a bit of romance, I suppose.

I'd rather have for a few weeks. I mean, expect that.

Don't want to deprive her of that.

Want to be fair.

Once that ring is on her finger, there's going to have to be some changes, mate,

I can tell you.

Like it or not, she's going to have to come to heel.

See for that. Oh, you'll have to.

You ought to come in, it's lovely.

Sod off.

Think.

All this is part of the Empire once.

Look at the bloody Labour government give it all away.

And bloody Gandhi wouldn't eat his dinner to give him India.

Give away all the best bits.

All the sunny bits.

Except all the rain and the fog.

Come on, keep up.

Bit too bloody hot, if you ask me.

That's a doff. time of year after summer, isn't it? Middle of winter.

Bloody flies. Get out of me!

I always wondered where the flies went.

You can tell it ain't a true white man's country.

It's all that from the flies that follow you.

They're following you?

Actually, it's very clever, you know, Ralph.

Look at your fly.

You look at them.

I mean, If man, a scientist like, could make a fly, if no one had ever seen one

before, if there was no fly, and a scientist came up and said, yeah, look

made. And he showed you this little creature, what he had made, that could

walk about, all without you having to wind it. Cool.

I'd like one of those.

I'd buy one of those, you'd say.

Everyone would buy one.

He'd make his fortune.

Yeah, but nature didn't make them. It was God what made them, eh?

Although why he did, I'll never know. I mean, what he saw in me bloody beats me.

Or some people.

Come on, keep up!

What I'm saying, Alf, is here is this miracle.

What is a fly?

Now, instead of appreciating it or amazing at it, all we want to do is...

Gotcha.

Kill him.

He made too many of them, didn't he?

And people.

If he'd have made just one or two, I'd be prepared to marvel and wonder at

cleverness with millions of the bloody things.

I'll tell you the trouble of your God, Arthur.

He made too much of the thing.

Far too much.

He's like sharks following us.

Where?

Australia? Not much.

I mean, don't want to be hard on them, but... Ain't done much with it, have

they?

It's a new country, Earl. I know that, but they've been out here 200 years.

Think they'd do something, wouldn't you?

I mean, look, one opera house, no tube, a few high -rise flats, and that's it,

so it seems.

They'll build factories all over it, learn to make things.

They make things up.

I mean useful things.

Things that people want to buy.

Nothing here I want to buy.

No, it's a waste.

I think we ought to take it back from them.

Let Margaret Thatcher privatise it.

I mean, your Japs are bright. They're looking for land.

What, to build golf courses, though? Well, you could build some bloody big

out here, mate.

That would solve their unemployment problem, too, I should think.

What, building the golf courses, you mean? No, caddying for the golfers.

That's all they're fit for, most of them, out here. I mean, look, they want

tourists to come here, right?

You've got to have something for them to do, haven't you?

I mean, there's nothing at the moment.

No football.

Cricket? They've got a good cricket team. Yeah, but you've got to be here in

summer you want to see that, Arthur.

There's nothing in the winter.

I mean... You

ask me, Arthur,

there ain't been much done here since we give it to them. I mean... You can't go

swimming. The ocean is full of sharks.

And it's crocodiles. Well, I mean, you'd think they'd have got rid of all of

them by now, at least, eh?

I mean, you're sharks. You can flog them all to the cheeks.

Make you nicey -soupy.

No, it's like it's too idle. They'd rather have them swimming about out

frightening people.

I mean, you're crocodile.

You make boots, shoes, handbags.

Golf bags.

Anything.

I mean, you can flog them to Ethiopia. It's a food alley.

You can never eat anything you jack, Will.

Snake, cat.

I mean, your dog is a delicacy out there in Japan.

Well, they are, Arthur. You can grow dogs here for them. There's plenty of

for it.

We could grow their rice here for them. Of course.

All it needs is a little bit of enterprise, Arthur. That's all. Of

having a Labour government don't help, does it?

It almost turned us into a banana republic without the bananas.

Could grow bananas here.

Right.

Anything.

If you've got the will, see.

A little bit up there.

You don't want this place, Alfred. There's too many bleeding foreigners out

here. The place is full of foreigners.

I mean, there's hardly any English out here at all these days.

Mrs. Olinbury's brother, he's still here. Yeah, I know, but he'll be back.

As soon as he thinks it's safe to leave his business.

Because as I was saying, they're all crooks out here.

They all come from criminal families.

I mean, that television what we watch back home, Neighbours. Oh, yeah, yeah. I

mean, it's just a soap opera, Arthur.

Nobody out here is as friendly as they seem to be.

Out here in Australia, you can live next door to people for years and they won't

speak to you. Oh, no. No.

Because they don't know who you are.

And they're frightened to get to know you.

Or you to get to know them.

Because they might find out that you are worse than what they are.

See?

They're all no good out here, Arthur.

They're all the failures of the world. People nobody wants.

What I think we ought to do, really, we ought to start an exchange immigration

policy with them, you know? Send all our rubbish out here like what we used to

in exchange for some of them more...

reformed characters, a sort of probationary society.

Of course, as soon as they show any signs of going crooked again, pack them

back here.

I couldn't agree more.

Oh, come on.

Play the game, Alf.

All right. I'll toss you who has the bed tonight. All right, then. Right.

Now, heads I win, tails you lose, right?

Yeah.

Eggs, I win.

Am I half up? No.

I

think

I'll sleep in this one tonight, Alf.

Sweet dreams, Elf.

I'll see where they've got to bob it to.

For richer, not poorer, cos I'm fed up with these kids. That's wine, sickness

and an elf I'll say I'll do.