Original subtitles

Now, my old darling, they laid her down to rest, and now I'm missing her with

all me heart.

But they don't give a monkey's down the DHSS, and they call it off me pension

for a start.

But it won't be very long before I'm on that plane off to Aussie where they've

got a proper two.

But Richard, not for a cook, I'm fed up being skid, that's why in 60's that

ain't helpful, say I do.

Your life jacket has mouthpieces for further inflation, a light that operates

when in the water, and a whistle to attract attention.

If oxygen is required, a mask will drop from the unit above your head.

One extra mask in each row also drops out.

Remain in your seat.

You'll be all right.

I've got this.

My St. Christopher too.

You'll be all right.

I'm sure he knows what plane we're on.

My brother knows.

Your own told him.

He knows too.

I pray to him every night since we got the ticket.

You think that's all he's got to do, sit there listening to your prayers?

Bloody women.

He's a busy man.

Never think of that, do you?

It's all right, Alf.

We'll be flying up there near him soon. I'm 38 ,000 feet up.

You'll only have to look out. You'll be able to wave to him.

How's it doing?

after me.

Our Father, who art in heaven,

hallowed be thy name.

I'm not a Catholic elf.

It won't hurt, will it?

I'll say it for both of us, because he knows we're together.

Where is it falling off?

Not funny, is it?

Oi. Oi, stop them.

You shouldn't let them do that.

What's the matter?

Thing.

Moving about.

They'll have us off balance. They'll get all the weight down, won't they?

We could tip over.

I'm sorry, sir. No pipe.

It's the regulations.

Well, it might be your regulations, sonny, but it ain't mine.

I'm English.

I've got an English passport, and my regulations are what I live under.

are laid down by Parliament.

The English Parliament. And they ain't made no laws or regulations yet.

What I know of, that says I cannot smoke my pint.

But on this plane, sir. Never mind about on this plane, sir. This plane's an

English plane.

Flies under the flag of England and the laws of England. And your captain up

front is driving it.

He flies under the flag of England.

And the Lords of England.

And the crew is fighting the Lord.

And our Royal Majesty's government has made no laws that says I cannot smoke my

pipe within our domain. And this plane is a part of our Royal Majesty's domain,

God bless her. And as an Englishman, and a loyal subject of the Royal Majesty,

and a free man.

And your Magnus Chara.

Smoked my pipe, but I bloody will like it.

You've got a lighter?

Wait, bring us a box of mattresses, go on.

I should have gone by boat.

Who is that?

That's all I can carry, this.

Oh.

It's just, I've got my things in there. I mean, she's got her own case. I know.

We want a trolley.

You're travelling a bit light, ain't you? Well, I ain't come to stay, have I?

Not like some people.

What have you got in there?

More than you've got in there.

I've got plenty in there, my dear. It's all I need, isn't it? I mean, we're only

staying a couple of weeks, aren't we? A month at least.

Haven't you brought anything with you?

I've got all I...

I bet you haven't even got a change of underclothes. I changed my underclothes

before I left home.

I bet you're only suit then.

What's wrong with him? Well, nothing. That's what you usually wear.

Well, it's a good suit, Arthur.

And you've got a Sunday best.

This is my Sunday best. That is genuine herringbone, that is. You couldn't buy a

suit like that these days.

Who'd want to?

He doesn't buy any clothes.

I'm not made of money, am I?

Stingy, you are.

to treat me to a new dress to come out here in. He nearly had a heart attack.

He told me to search through his dear departed's old clothes to see if I could

find something that might fit.

If I did, I said it wouldn't be new because I never saw that poor creature

new dress.

Indeed, she had a new dress.

I bought her a new dress. I did.

She wore it everywhere. Everybody saw her in it.

Anyway, blimey, it's only Australia. I mean... Who are we going to meet so

special?

Your brother is meeting us, is he? I hope so.

Did he say he was?

Yes. I don't know. I think he did.

I don't remember now.

No, I mean... Oh, he'll be here. I'm sure he will.

But what if he ain't?

We just had to make a...

Have you got his address?

Somewhere. I don't know.

You must have his address. Blimey, you wrote to him. Yes.

I might have left it at home. I don't know.

Oh, I'm sure I brought it with me. I must have done it. You've lost it,

you? Come on, own up. You've lost it. I've lost it. I haven't lost it, I tell

you. It's either in my case or behind the clock at home. I haven't lost it.

behind the clock.

And if it's not in here... It's behind the clock.

I'm sorry?

Never mind about sorry.

Don't they learn you no manners in this country? I said I was sorry. Not the

point. Sorry is not the point. You knocked the stuff all over the freaking

floor. I said I was sorry.

Yeah, and don't go walking all over him.

It's you who should learn some manners, you bloody pom.

If you wasn't so old and decrepit, I'd take you outside and give you a bloody

good hiding, you mongrel.

It was an accident. I said I was sorry, all right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's

all right. Yes, it's all right. Don't worry.

I really am sorry. Oh, it's all right.

I didn't see where I was going. It was my fault. I really am sorry. Yes, it's

all right.

I didn't look where I was going. It was an accident, all right? And I'm sorry.

Yes, it's all right.

Bloody Aussie git!

One more word from him and it's all I needed.

What was that, Al?

Look, have you found the address? No.

It must be in my luggage. Oh, and it marves. Bloody fam...

I'm marrying him too.

Her brother ain't even got the decency to come and meet us.

And she ain't got the address.

Bloody marvellous. You can't see him?

Oh, well, I don't know. I don't know what he looks like.

What do you mean you don't know what he looks like? He's your brother, isn't he?

I know.

I haven't seen him for 30 years, have I?

Oh, the bleeding crows. All right, all right, no need to go on.

Because it's sensible. Look, it's sensible. Shane, he even got the bloody

address. I've got it here somewhere. I know I have. You haven't. You've bloody

left it home, haven't you? Look, look, look. Your brother, does he look like

you? Well, he looked more like my father.

He was the head cut off my father, people said.

Cut the head off you?

He's written by the year. Looks like your father.

Well, I didn't know my father very much. He'd run off with someone else when I

was only two weeks old.

Your brother's older than you. No, he's younger.

How can your brother be younger than you? You just said your father ran off

somebody else when you was two weeks old. My mother married again, Barney.

you just said that everyone was saying that your brother looked like your

father. Because we thought he was my father. Oh, join up, you bloody man.

You bloody man.

I'll fly halfway round the breeding world. I've got nowhere to sleep

I'm going out to pub.

No, Steve, my brother might be looking for us.

Does he know who he's looking for? No, no, no.

we'd better ask somebody.

Get a card, write his name on it and hold it up. What's your brother's name?

O'Shaughnessy. Ricky O'Shaughnessy. Bloody Mick.

Get him to write a card for us.

I mean, there's not many left here now.

Only that fellow you had a row with.

He's holding up a card now.

I think we've found your brother.

Come to bloody Australia.

Right bloody place.

Is this your first time in Australia?

It's my first time anywhere, isn't it? Oh, no.

Well, where have you been before?

South Bend.

I've had no reason to travel except to fight for my country.

You was in the war, was you?

Well, don't start that or we're never getting to be.

Not that keen on foreign travel.

You've travelled often, haven't you?

In my youth, yeah. I did a bit of seafaring, that's all.

I never got as far as here, though.

Not that keen on foreigners, neither.

Too many of them living round where I do now without travelling and meet more of

them. Well, it's the mind -travelling.

You meet people, see their way of life, examine their culture, taste their food,

listen to their philosophy.

That's the diseases, mate.

What do you think you're doing?

Examining. culture, taste their food. Well, he eats the steak and potatoes.

Perhaps a little fish.

Fried. With chips.

Yeah, well, what do you know about foreigners and their philosophy?

You haven't been out of Sydney since I've known you. I sell them cars.

Greek and Italian taxi drivers. Who do you think sells them their cars?

You have foreigners here? Yeah, too many.

So it's poor in the country.

Yeah, they're ruining Australia.

I'm not clean.

There's a little man I buy my groceries from.

Nothing's too much trouble.

He's Asian.

But he's a lot more civil than the Australian I used to get my groceries

And he delivers.

All right, servile foreigners.

Yes, okay, that's one servile Asian now.

What about all his aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, and all their

children he's saving up to buy air tickets for?

You know what one servile Asian delivers?

Groceries today, maybe.

Tomorrow, a population explosion.

That's what you do.

Don't worry.

You'd have more of them to sell cars to.

There'd be an Asian selling cars to them then.

Jeez, my wife, she doesn't know where her bread's buttered. We've got them,

Asians. We have one brought us to the airport. He wasn't servile.

See, they lose that.

You let them live amongst you, they lose all of that.

When you give them a little bit of equality, a little bit of freedom, next

thing, boom, they're demanding it.

You've got the West Indias here.

They come here to play cricket. Well, we shouldn't play with them. No, they're

bad losers.

I've never seen them lose.

They don't know how to lose, my dear.

They're not the same as us, you see.

We are gentlemen, and one of the first things a gentleman has to learn is how

lose gracefully.

All right, that's how I do that.

a lot of experience.

So the one thing, you want to be careful when you're

playing with them blackies. I mean, they can throw balls at your head and other

parts of the body they're not supposed to, but if you're playing, one little

moan, that's all they've got over here, and straight off, you're anti -black.

Racist. Right.

Alf's got a black boy, right, Alf? Right.

Welfare worker.

You can get him on the National Health, can you?

paying him for something like that.

And then I'm servile, though. Right, Alf? No, the one they give me is a

The council ain't fussy all they send into your house.

He'll give him home and ball.

Right, but I've only got to criticise him and say one word against him or any

his mates and straight off, I'm a racist or a sexist.

I've only got to mention their colour.

Just in friendly conversation.

I mean, buying him a drink, I might say to Alf, what does the coon want?

Nothing offensive. You don't have to be offensive when they're down on you.

What's young Sambo drinking?

They still lower your land values?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I could think so. I mean, if you live in a respectable

like us and a few of them move in, well, I mean, it's not the same, is it?

Lowers the tone.

I mean, I've got nothing against them. Some of them are quite decent.

I mean, some of them are as clean and tidy as we are.

Well... Well, nearly. I mean, I'm talking about the respectable ones.

Not as bad as they could be, I'll tell you. Well, it lowers the tone.

The bloody toast is there.

I mean... See, when they first imported

them over, that was to run our buses, our trains, empty our bedpans in

hospitals, switch the streets, you know, generally make themselves useful, of

course. They can't leave one alone.

They want to start treating them like us, as if they were equals.

Next thing, the bloody rot sets in.

They're not happy emptying bedpans, so make them all doctors.

I'm not one to examine me.

You've got me in your bloody parliament now.

You see, that's what your one agent who delivers does.

We've got agents, right, Al?

Blimey. Every corner shop, mate.

You want to buy all kinds of tobacco these days, you've got to learn a

language.

English.

Well, of a kind.

Urdu.

Urdu?

Oh, I see what you mean.

Urdu. Who does?

It's their lingo. It's their language. It's not a language, Arthur. I mean, no,

they've got sounds for things. Yeah, they've got sounds for food or sounds

drinks. It's not a language. I mean, dog bark's not a language, is it?

This house that you can get cheap, is it because you've got a blackie living in

it? Yeah.

No.

I don't know. No,

it's because we've got a bloody loony labour left town to donate a valley of

property. That's why.

I have a business, Mad Al.

I sell cars.

Nobody sells more cars than I do, except... Almost everyone else. I shift

of cars.

You don't shift as many as Mooney. I shift more cars than Mooney can.

Then why does Mooney live in a bigger house than we do? Oh, it is.

And why did Mooney's wife have a fur coat and I don't? You don't understand.

She don't understand.

Who needs a fur coat?

It's too hot for a fur coat.

It's nice to carry a fur coat.

But Mooney's wife carries a fur coat.

You don't understand what I'm saying.

He'd be a blackie if he can lower values, eh?

Keep him until you've bought your house.

It's good to have an edge, eh? Know what I mean?

How do you like your steak? Good steak, eh? Yeah, yeah.

When you can shift cars, like I can shift cars, you can eat good steak.

But you don't get a fur coat to carry.

We don't have steak very often.

That bad in England, eh?

For us, it is. I thought it was a boom economy.

No, not for us. We're old -age pensioners.

What about the National Health?

They don't give you steak.

They're crazy, isn't it?

They'll give you a black boy, but they won't give you steak.

I think there's been some mistake.

I mean, they know we're not married, don't they?

I'm not sleeping in here with you.

No.

No, not me.

I know men expect that sort of thing.

No, not me.

As long as you understand, there's nothing personal.

No, not me.

Perhaps I... after we're married?

No.

There's something we shall have to talk about, I suppose.

It's this sort of thing that puts me off.

Yeah, and me.

They say it's double beds that make a marriage.

They don't.

It's double beds that make divorce.

Separate rooms. That's what makes a marriage.

Except for houses.

Marriage makes you live too close. It puts you off people.

Puts you off husbands.

And wives.

Well, I don't know where you're going to sleep, but you can't sleep in here.

No, well, I don't want to.

Well, let's get one thing straight, Mr Garnett. I don't mind marrying you, but

that's as far as it goes.

It's nothing personal.

Well, I don't want to go any further.

There's too much text in the world of it, if you ask me.

The newspapers are full of it, the television.

Yeah, well, they should ban it all for your television and the newspapers. Oh,

it's not just the television and the newspapers.

It's everywhere you turn.

Even in your own home, if you're not watchful.

I don't understand the fascination.

My last husband wasn't allowed it.

Me and my late wife, God rest her soul, we wasn't

always at it.

Never with my late husband, Mr Garnet, never.

At least I taught him some discipline if I never taught him anything else.

purging. I'm proud to say, and intend to say that, Mr Garnett, sex

is not a sport.

It's an instrument for the provision of children. There are too many people in

the world already, if you ask me. It wouldn't be so bad if they were

but they're not.

I couldn't have children, Mr Garnett.

And I saw no purpose in allowing my husband to molest me for fun.

I'm not an amusement park, Mr Garland.

No.

As you know, I'm not one to criticise the Lord and the mysterious ways he

chooses to work in.

He makes me...

Well, he's a busy man, isn't he?

I see his mistakes around me every day.

Sex, I'm afraid, is one of them.

I'm sure a man of his divine wisdom and superior spiritual calling could have

found a more dignified way of providing the world with whatever children it

needed.

Making it pleasurable to certain tastes was his first mistake.

And allowing it to become habit -forming was another.

We only had the one child.

Well, some homes are teeming with the evidence of what must go on at

considerable length.

And all of the consequence of one or both of the parents having become

hopelessly addicted to this crazed and wasteful longing to be continually

together.

And they're overcrowding our cities with this mindless habit, creating a need

for more and more houses, which nobody has the time to build.

You can't get a seat on a bus or a train because of them and their army's a mass

-produced issue.

Who will present us with ever more angry mouths to feed and ever more even

angrier passions until we sink into the seas under the weight of them?

Yeah, well, I'll say goodnight then.

Why didn't you make them only to cook?

Hello

He's switching his country.

Keep me safe and protect me.

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