Original subtitles

Now, my old darling, they've laid her down to rest. And now I'm missing her

all we are.

But they don't give a monkey's down at the age, is there? And they're calling

I'll be pension for a star.

No, it won't be very long before I'm pious.

But I'll probably starve to death, that's what I'll do.

But richer or poorer, I'm bloody poor. That's because it's sickness and it

us that I'll do.

Get your bum out of the way.

Here.

Here's me week's groceries.

Here's me pension gold.

That'll last me till Wednesday if I eat sparingly. I haven't got the fast days.

Most of that was cheap, past the sell -by date.

Good evening, Alce.

Quite the best to make sure it is the best.

Whatever you ask for, Mr Garnett, we don't cheat.

You want to watch while I pour it?

Take your word, it says what it says.

It don't taste like it.

Nothing's what it says it is these days, is it?

Twice the price it should be.

Same again, if you like.

I don't like.

Sorry, I'll have to buy them out, won't I?

I would if I could, you know that.

I'll take a couple of my eggs back, if you like.

Oh, shove half in there, please, love.

That's a bit of a tight half, isn't it?

It's half.

Only just.

It's what you asked for. Yeah, all right, all right.

I've been coming here all these years. You don't have to be so accurate, do

You'll get me shot, you will. Look after your regulars, shouldn't need

prompting. Look after your regulars. That's the way to run a business.

If we actually rely on you as regulars, we wouldn't have a business worth

running. Look, I've drunk more pints in here than you've had at dinners, and by

the shape of you, you've had plenty of those.

I've drunk this bloody place dry some nights I have.

Built the foundations of your fortune we have, people like me and him. Not

lately, you age. But it's not my fault, is it? I'm old age pension. I can't

afford to drink like I used to.

Well, it's probably better for you.

How do you make that out? How is it better for me to have to give up the one

thing I enjoy in life, eh?

Well, you'll be healthier.

Healthier's no good to me at my age, my dear.

Richer, that's what I want to be.

Bloody mad you are. It's like that Edwina curry with her salmonella.

I mean, more people die around here because they can't afford eggs, not from

eating them.

Free!

Free! That's all I can afford to buy.

I mean, Dollenbury was one of them for a pudding. Oh, that'll be nice.

Not the way she cooks it, won't it?

potty is.

I've got to give up enjoying life so I can live longer. I mean, it's bloody

Well, I've got to afford to drink half of it. There's always yelling out, time,

gentlemen, please.

Closing time. Now I can't afford to drink. The bloody pubs are open all day.

It's mad. And what am I saving myself for, eh?

What am I saving myself so I can sit here a few years longer and stare at

glass? Give us it.

Eh? Your glass.

I'm not a bloody waiter, you know.

Don't say I don't give you nothing.

Pull out the flags.

Oh, you're so gracious, Mr Garnet.

This is for you, Mr Johnson.

Oh, thank you.

He's working on my garden.

I'm getting free drinks now.

You see my niece there? She's been asked to get them out.

Out. for page three.

I'll be proud.

Proud for the nation to see my niece's tit.

Now that caption business they have, it's probably going to say on it, a soft

spot for uncle.

And the editor's thinking of pioneering a whole new 3D technique so they can...

pop out at you.

You see these lads here? These are all Andy fellows that she picks up at the

disco. That was the plumber. He done all my plumbing for me. He did my interior

decorating. He painted the whole of the outside of my house.

Put thousands on the value of it they have. You see, these lads, they want a

of rumpo, a bit of nookie, but she gets them to work on the house first, you

know. It's a pity your daughter wasn't more sensationally endowed. Could have

done you a bit of good.

Nice little earners they are.

She's yours.

Eh?

She's a whore, mate. She's a bloody whore. Yeah.

Well, wish her the mate when you come down to it. Now, listen, you know I work

in insurance, don't you? You got them insured? Yeah.

You can't insure a text. Yes, you can on a short term.

I think this is going to interest you. I don't want no insurance. Oh, God.

Here's your future and my past and present. She's been helping Mrs.

pack.

Mind my eggs. I've got your eggs.

Yeah.

Dear.

Oh, yes.

All ready for your excursion then, Mr Garnet? I hear you're going too, Arthur.

Yeah, well, I... I mean... I need him with me, don't

I? He's my best man. I mean, a woman likes to get married in white, and that

important, yes, but a man likes to have his best friend with him as his best

man. You don't mind?

He says it's a long way to go on his own.

On his own? He's good. out there to get married.

Look, I know that, but... You want to be friends with him.

What are you snorting about?

Well, most men, when they go on their honeymoons with their bride, can't wait

be alone with them, can they? Unless, of course, they've been getting plenty of

carnal knowledge beforehand.

You go and wash your hands.

You and Mrs. Olinbury have never... Never. Well, there's a treat in store

you. You've got too much respect for each other.

playing gooseberry? Look, I'm not marrying Mrs. Olinbury for a...

Well, I think you should get into training, Mr. Garnet, and go easy on

stuff. You don't want to get the old brewers, eh?

Here, Harper, with his bad hip, I think you're going to have to lift him on.

And off.

That's why he's taking you out there, isn't it, eh? A sex aide.

What's he looking at?

I must say, I've never heard of that before. It's a new one on me. What is?

Taking another person on honeymoon with you. Look, she's going out there to

relations, isn't she? I won't have no one, will I?

You like Mrs.

Holingbury. Mrs.

Holingbury will be a relation when he gets to Australia.

Not a proper relation.

I'm talking about proper relations, people who like you. Well, what? So why?

He's talking about people you like.

I'm talking about people who are close to you, like you grew up with, like my

brother. She's got a brother out there, see? I won't have no one out there like

that, will I? I'll be out there all on my own in a strange country full of

people that I don't know.

Well, I haven't seen my brother for 30 years. I mean, he'd be almost a stranger

to me.

But he's blood and he loves you and he thinks the world of you. I won't have no

one out there like that, will I?

No. I mean, you'll have someone to talk to, see?

I won't, will I? That's what I mean.

Well, that'll be a blessing, then, if I don't have to listen to you.

Look, you know what I mean. I don't want to be all on my own, do I?

Well, you don't do much to encourage anything else, do you?

Love is lovelier the second time around. Oh, shut up!

I'll come with you.

What do I want you out there with me for? Well, when Arthur gets tired of

ear -batching, I can take over.

Relief listener.

Look, they wouldn't let you in. They're a bit cleverer than we are in that

respect.

Have you done your chores?

What chores?

A large whiskey, please.

He's a joke.

What chores?

What chores?

Large Jim and Tommy.

you can afford all that fare to Australia.

I mean, my brother's paying for me and him. No, that's all right.

Yeah, it's all right. He's got his ticket already.

I mean, we're all going to be sitting together.

Oh, I must say I envy you.

Nothing like that's ever happened to me.

Well, you got married.

Oh, yeah, only to Fred.

She's only marrying him. I don't see a lot to envy there. I don't mean that.

Of course there isn't, no.

Eh?

Flying off into the sun to get married.

honeymoon in a strange and foreign land.

I'm not being ungrateful. I've never been one to fret about the grass being

greener elsewhere.

I've always been one to accept what life has to offer and not dwell on the

unfairness of it all.

Mates do and men, that's what I've always said, get on with things, waste

time worrying about what might have been.

God gives us what he thinks we deserve.

Well, it might seem a very unjust punishment at times, but I prefer to see

more of a penance than a punishment, something we must suffer and bear for

blessing and greater rewards above in his kingdom.

We only pass this way once.

Oh, God, can't you take her with you too?

These bloody church people, they want shooting the lot of them. They come

banging on my door while I'm out and she lets them in, filling her mind with a

lot of bloody old rubbish about God and the hereafter. They're unsettled, are

they? Damn it.

you'll be.

That's what you'll be when the devil gets hold of you, burnt, and serve you

right. If you go before me, that's what you're going to be, burnt. I'll see to

that because I'm going to have you cremated. You're going to be burnt here

before you get down to your devil. Yeah, because I'm having you burnt here.

You can't if she don't want to be. Oh, yeah, I can because I'm her husband and

she belongs to me and nobody's going to tell me what's going to happen to her

when she goes. And it'll be the flames for you, my dear. I'll tell you that.

You're wicked, wicked.

Oh, yeah?

And what about her, then, eh? Always on at me about how the devil's going to

burn me. She has never stopped. She doesn't... Oh, I hope my prayers are

answered. I hope the Lord is listening and answering my prayers.

Because if he does, it won't be me who goes first. Oh, no.

It'll be you.

You're the one who'll take first if he listens to me. Oh, bloody Christians! I

want a Nero slug and...

about you. Don't you worry. He knows all about you. Oh, I'm sure he does,

because he watches. He's everywhere. He keeps a close watch.

Don't you worry, girl. I told you.

I told you.

Stenaldis might be everywhere, but I shouldn't think he frequents the place

Fred does.

He wouldn't want to be in his company for too long.

Yeah. Well, I'm sure he wouldn't bother with a pub like this for a start -off.

I'm not talking to you.

If he finds his a pint, this'll be the last bloody place he's coming to.

Oh, you're right there, Alan. I mean, he might be old, God, but he don't have to

live on a pension, does he?

He'll afford a bloody sight better than this.

He don't have to scrape out existence of supplementary benefit.

I shouldn't think he ever leaves, Alan, these days. Not the way things are down

here. He's got his sense, he wouldn't. I know I wouldn't if I was him.

If you ever get there...

Anyway, God is everywhere.

Hallelujah. Not in this pub he ain't, my dear. I'll wager you.

He's everywhere.

Well, your Catholic God might be everywhere, my dear, but our Church of

God, our Macy the Queen's God, is a bit more fussy, I think. There's no God.

There ain't no God. And he's a bit choosier, too, about who he lets into

heaven. There's only one heaven.

Oh, is there?

Yes. Well, if there is, it don't belong to your Catholic God, and that's for

certain, sure.

Oh, so do you think there are different heavens, dear?

Well, you don't think Hermes the Queen, God bless her, or any of your roars, or

any of your bishops for that matter, would be seen dead in a Catholic heaven,

you? I suppose there's an English heaven then, is there? And an American heaven,

and an Italian heaven, and a French heaven. And a black heaven. A black

Good. At least I won't have to spend eternity with a bunch of geriatric

And at least I'll be able to play my music live.

In peace.

No heaven.

Not for you, there might not be, no. Because whether the good Lord answers

prayers or not... Hallelujah.

Shut up. The devil's got you fucking already. Don't you worry about that.

going to feel his fork up your backside before you lay on your shoulder.

Don't you worry about that.

And see how you like them apples.

Well,

we're going to miss you when you've gone, Mr Garnet.

me, Mabel. Oh, yes.

How long have we got?

Until he goes.

Until he comes back.

We're going tomorrow morning. Oh, well, have a nice trip.

If it's possible.

I'd like to sit in here on my own with him.

No, dear, you don't have to come out with me.

You know something I haven't thought about?

Do you have to take your wife with you?

I mean, when you finally pass on...

Do you have to join up with her again for all eternity, or are you allowed a

fresh start?

Makes you think, doesn't it?

Oh, dear.

I never thought of that.

I mean, that could be awkward with us marrying again.

I mean, when we get to heaven, will we have to go back to our original husbands

when we get up there?

I don't know.

I don't know what the Lord's rule is on that. I mean, if it's divorce or

adultery or...

A fornication?

That's old Nick's folks. Stay up, you bum, and on the fire.

Can't even see heaven.

Let no man put asunder.

But if it's too deaf to your part, I think that's allowed.

Yeah, but do you have to go back to the first husband?

Consummation, I think, would come into it. How about consummation you've given

it, eh?

Not a lot I wouldn't have thought, not with...

and probably none at all.

But mind what you're doing with that.

But what is it anyway?

The groceries.

Blimey, we're going to Australia in the morning.

Oh, God, no.

Oh, bloody hell. I could have spent that money on duty free.

Why didn't you remind me yesterday, Great Puddin'? Bloody hell.

Can't let it go to waste.

As you said, there's probably stuff in there past sale by date. Here, let's

a big try -out. Take them bottles back.

Yeah, what's the film?

You know, I don't envy you, Mr Garnett. I read a book about Australia once, you

know. In the wet... Caesar, and apparently the jungle encroaches on you

rate of an inch every hour, and when it's hot and wet, it can creep in on you

overnight. In his book, it was about this fellow who went out the back one

to go to the dummy, that's what they call the lab out there, and the jungle

in on him while he was sitting there doing his business.

When they found him, they didn't find all of him, all they found was his leg.

Just one leg, that was all that was left of him.

I don't know it was him. His wife recognised the darn in his sock.

I don't envy you going there, and I think you shouldn't scoff at insurance

to a place like this.

I've got something here. I think this will interest you, Mr Garnett. Here we

are. If a crock should eat you, grieving relatives will collect £23 ,000.

Mount your paper. It's very cheap. £4 .78. Now, that's not bad, is it? You

to get him to take this out. It'd be better than winning the pools, wouldn't

Well, I mean, if anything happened to you, you might be handy to have a bit of

insurance. You see, any of us could take out a policy on their lives.

You wouldn't mind that, would you, Mr Garnet, if it don't cost too much and

no skin off your nose and you never know, planes do crash.

That's right.

It's a million to one chance, right, that their plane crashes, crocs eat

sharks, but those million to one shots do come off. It's long odds, but the

stakes low and it's worth a flutter. These are better odds than you get on a

horse or a dog.

I'll have a quid and all. Tell you what, Mr Johnson, you've got a teller on

that, yeah?

Shall we have a pound on it, have a little flutter? I mean, you'll never

how much.

We might win.

You.

Honestly, you're sick as two balls, you are.

Don't you understand?

It's us to be paying our own.

We'd have to be dead to win.

Come on, Arthur. It's like a bloody loony bin in here.

Oh, what?

Rubbish, that, innit?

Crap.

Think it's bed, aye?

Yes.

It's bed.

Got a long journey tomorrow.

You going in, Arthur?

In a minute.

Gone 12?

Yeah, mustn't keep you up.

I'm tired.

Yeah, me too.

It's been a long day, hasn't it?

Yeah, well, I'll be off in a minute.

Not very good, that, is it?

No.

I'm tired, Arthur.

Go to bed.

You going?

In a minute.

He can let himself out. No, I've got to bolt up, haven't I?

I'll bolt up after him. I'll bolt up after him. He's going in a minute.

You going then, Arthur?

I think I've seen this before.

Yeah. If it wasn't this, it would sound very much like it.

He was in it, but I don't think she was.

She's in it now.

I don't remember him, though.

I remember him. I remember seeing him.

But not her?

Not if it's the one I think it is.

Well, she's not new.

I've seen her in things before.

The one I'm thinking of was a lot taller.

Yeah, well, some of them are taller.

What do you mean, taller?

They're not all as small as they seem.

What is she talking about?

They're all the same size.

No, not all of them.

Look, you can't be taller than what you are, can you?

Half as taller.

What do you mean, he's taller?

How can he be taller?

He's taller than you are.

All right, he's taller than I am. He's also taller than you.

He's only as tall as what he is. He can't grow taller, can he?

No, nor can you.

Look, you said that she used to be taller.

Not her.

The one who was on there, you said she used to be taller.

I said they're not all as small as they seem.

Well, what does that mean?

Well, Terry Wogan's a lot taller on Mr Johnson's telly than he is on yours.

on Mr Johnson's telly too.

What's he got to do with you? I'm trying to get some sleep in there. I'm trying

to sleep too.

You've got a lot of travelling to do tomorrow.

Don't you tell me what I've got to do. I know what I've got to do. I've got to

drag all the way out to Australia because of her and her bloody brother.

I'm too old for this sort of thing.

You're too old for any sort of thing.

If your brother loved you like he's supposed to love you, he wouldn't want

go dragging all the way out to Australia.

He's giving us mum.

Lending us, lending us, my dear, not giving us. Mr Garnet, can't you argue

tomorrow? I'm trying to get some sleep. Look, if you don't like it, you can go

and sleep somewhere else. Am I looking forward to you leaving tomorrow?

Woo!

Don't you slam my door or you'll have to sleep somewhere else.

And I don't want no jiggery -puggery while I'm away.

Mr. Garnet, I'm heterosexual.

I don't care what you are. I don't want to catch it.

Charts would be a fine thing.

frightened of flying.

Well, why are you so keen to go by boat?

I like boats.

It's too slow by boat.

Then boats are fast now.

It's not sailboats. It takes six weeks by boat. Oh, we're not in any hurry, so

long as we enjoy ourselves.

Boats can sink. Look, why can't your brother just send the money over here?

Cos he's my favourite brother and he wants to see me get married. Look, I've

told you, he's your only brother and if he's so keen on you, why can't he come

over here and see you get married?

He's got his business to run.

Yeah, and we're the ones... He's sent the ticket.

Yeah, and we're the ones who've got to drag all the way out to Australia. I've

got to do all that travelling out of Australia and I'm tired of him.

Dead tired.

I'm going to bed.

Are you going, Harper?

In a minute.

That's the one I mean. And she is taller.

They've made her taller.

What have they done? Put all stung in her boots?

I've not seen her before.

Oh, you must have. She's been in love.

She was a lot younger, too. I mean, not as she is now.

No, she was in that...

Oh, God, what's his name?

You know, they took it off. You remember it.

Oh, you mean the... where she came into the snow?

Yeah, yeah. And he was on the horse? Yeah. And they fell in the snow just

up to there? Yeah.

And then she came over? Yeah. No.

I don't remember her in that. Not the one I'm thinking of.

Well, she used to be his daughter.

Not his daughter.

I thought she was a lot younger then. I mean, so was he, if it was the same one.

Look, come on, come on. I don't want to sit up all night watching telly.

I think I remember this bit.

So do I.

I think.

Do you? Yeah, I think so.

That's not the one that used to be her father, is it? No, the other one.

I'm tired.

Go to bed.

I can't, can I?

Not with you and him.

Why not?

Bull.

If I go to bed, it's you two, isn't it?

Us two what?

You know what I mean.

Here, if you think... No, look, I mean, it won't be proprietary, will it? It'll

be as proprietary as I want it to be. I don't mean that.

I have seen this.

It's him, isn't it, the butler?

No, God blimey, no, not him. I can't stand him.

No, I hate him. I don't want him on my telly. He's banned.

I'll ban him.

I'm still watching that.

Not him! You ain't not on my telly!

Our telly?

Mine!

Listen, when we get married, the first thing I'm going to do is buy my own

telly. Buy it? Buy it! Yeah, and you won't watch it. I don't want to watch

my dear. I've got my own telly, haven't I? Yeah, and I'm going to get a great

big screen. I don't want no dwarfs on it. No, but you can get a great big

license of your own, too.

Yeah, I'm fed up looking at midgets. Yeah, and you can buy your own earring

the same time.

Bloody women, what's got up her nose?

Here, you can leave that thing on blaring all night. If I want to watch

my dear, I will.

Well, turn it down, can't you?

fix you mate.

Oh bloody fix you mate.

Go bloody Australia.

because I'm fed up being skinned. That's why in sickness and in health I'll say

I do.

Once more in sickness and in health I'll say I do.