Original subtitles

Now, my old darling, they've laid her down to rest, and now I'm missing her

all we are.

But they don't give a monkey's down at the age of death, and they've gone and

I'll be ventured for a star.

No, it won't be very long before I'm by her side, because I'll probably starve

to death, that's what I'll do.

But richer or poorer, I'm bloody poor, that's a fact, just because it's

and it helps, but I'll do.

Cheers, Arthur!

Couldn't happen to a better bloke. Getting all them doors up. Winning line,

Oh, it was a winning line, all right.

You should pay out a lot of money, I should reckon. And if you want any

about what to do with a lot of money, you know where to come.

Of course people will advise you, won't they, Arthur? Oh, there'll be plenty

around willing to advise you now, so be careful, Arthur. Watch out, you know who

your friends are.

The ones who stuck by you when you had nothing.

Just you, Al. Right, there you are. There you are, then.

They're the ones... They're the ones you would trust.

Is that all I offer?

Oh, this is very nice. It's beautiful, isn't it? Yeah.

He's a good cook, is he, Mr. Ollenbury?

Yeah, this is marvellous. Very tender.

So is Mrs. Ollenbury, eh?

No, I told you, didn't I? I said, you cook old Arthur something very special

tonight, didn't I? Yep. Nice bit of lamb, that, innit? How much do you

you've won, then, Arthur? Oh, I don't know.

Thousands, thousands.

It could be a million. He's got eight score draws up. Pah! That's what I say,

but he's got to look after. He's got to know who his friends are.

You'll tell him.

Ah, me and old Arthur.

We're close as what?

Brothers, I'd say. Hmm? Eh?

What, closer?

Now...

It's a funny thing about money. They say that money's only a problem when you

ain't got any.

You would know.

They say that money's the root of all evil and it's harder for a rich man to

into heaven than for a camel to jump through the eye of a needle.

I'll tell you this.

If I'd have saved a few bob out of my pay packet every week since I started

work... You saved...

I might have made it a bit harder for myself to get into heaven, but I've been

bloody sight happier day on the other day, I tell you.

I mean, they reckon that... Oh, what's his name? Maxwell and the other one.

What's his name? Rupert.

Murdoch, that's him. They reckon they're billionaires. I tell you something, I

bet they ain't too unhappy about it. I mean, the kind of money they got, they

could buy a bloody great needle with eyes big enough for an army to come.

probably by heaven itself, the money they got.

Of course, having billions would have its problems, our wage. I mean, how

you count it, for a start -off?

I mean, money makes money, doesn't it? Right?

And with all the interest coming in on your billions, I mean, you'd be halfway

through counting it, and there'd be sackloads more of it arriving for you to

count. You'd never be done counting it.

And who could you trust to help you count it? No one I know.

Well, present company accepted, of course.

I mean, now, look, if you had ten pounds, see, And you ask someone to look

it for you, not that I would, except someone like you are, for, you know, a

good old friend.

And they give you back nine pounds. Well, you know they've nicked one,

But if you got billions, you'd never know, would you?

That must be a big worry, that.

Yeah, well, makes you feel sorry for old Maxwell and Murdoch, doesn't it? I

mean, that's probably someone, someone's robbing them something rotten, and they

don't even know it. I mean, with all their billions, do they know who their

friends are?

I bet they've got plenty of friends. No, I'm talking about real friends.

Friends like what old Arthur's got here.

Eh? That's where you're lucky to know, Arthur.

Money ain't everything, Alf. I mean, friends are more important than money.

Right. Friends, Arthur.

Real friends, see?

Friends that money can't buy.

That's what Maxwell and Murdoch ain't got.

They ain't got them kind of friends, Arthur. That's what I'm saying.

Oh, yeah. Well, we'll see.

See?

Trouble with...

Throw in some of your millionaires, they're maids, you know. Don't

money.

Donated, they do, to museums and things.

You take that, what's his name?

Oh, bloody, Paul, Paul.

Begins with a G.

What's his bloody name?

One of the richest men in the world.

How to use?

Getty. Who?

Getty. That's it, Paul Getty. Paul Getty. Well, there's a man, one of the

richest men in the world.

Give most of his money to a museum.

Well, you'd have a good day at a museum, Al. Oh, yes, I like museums.

No bloody museums. I've got no time for them.

I'd rather walk round that Victoria and Albert.

Victoria and Albert? What good does that do you?

I've been there. It's nothing. It's full of rubbish.

Rubbish of the past, old bones, old books, bits and pieces of old armour,

furniture, old paintings. You go in one of them museums, it's like walking round

bloody Oxfam it is.

It's history, Alfie, it's our history. Well, old furniture, old paintings, our

history, Gareth.

I mean, I know some people do like old things, except old people.

I mean, people pay pounds, you know, for an old painting. I mean, the government

will give millions for an old painting.

Wouldn't give an extra penny to an old age pensioner, though. Well, the

painting's more valuable, I suppose.

What, more than people? More than you? More than me? Well, if it's an old

master, yeah.

I've seen your old masters. I've seen one of them.

What was it?

Rembrandt was. Yeah, old Rembrandt.

Old master. It was an old painter. It was an old person.

Old person! I was like, you and me! And everyone says, oh, isn't it marvellous?

I said, what's so marvellous about that? They said, it's such a wonderful

painting. I said, it's only an old person who's painted it. It's an old

I said, they say, but it's such a good likeness, it's so real.

Well, blimey, you're a good likeness to an old person, aren't you?

I'm a good likeness.

I'm a better likeness to an old person than that painting is.

The people don't come up to me and say, oh, Mr. Garnett, you're so marvellous.

You're such a good likeness to an old person, you're so real. I'm a painter on

my living room wall.

They shouldn't have a bloody painting of it.

Yeah, so would I.

What they mean, Alf, what they mean is that the artist is clever because he can

paint such a good likeness. That's why he's an old master.

I'm a better likeness, and that's what I'm saying. I mean, you can't get a

better likeness to an old person than what an old person needs, can you? It

don't work like that, Alf. I mean, when they talk about art, it's not the real

thing. It's a copy of the real thing. That's why it's invaluable.

You see, it's being able to copy. That's what they want, not being it.

I mean, look, if some old master was to come in now and paint you...

Just as you're sitting there, and he gave such a good likeness that you look

like a real person, I mean, that painting would be worth millions.

But you, the real thing, nothing.

Instead, maybe they send a taxidermist, you know, an artist at it, you know, and

he'd just want to stuff you like. Not when I'm eating.

For posterity, I mean.

But then people, you see, would want to buy it, so it's got sort of a, well,

it's like an example of a modern man.

Well, that's what I'm saying, Arthur. I mean, stop.

There was a bloke the other day.

He gave £14 million for an old painting of a sunflower by Van Gogh.

£14 million!

I mean, despite fooling his money, it soon parted. He must have been mad when

bought that. Mad as old Van Gogh was when he painted it.

Now, these sunflowers, I wouldn't grow them, let alone hang them on a bloody

wall.

I threw some in my garden till the bloody cat next door pissed on them.

I mean, but I take your point. I mean, I wouldn't have it hanging on the wall.

I'd hang that bloody cat, though, if I could catch it.

There's a funny thing, though, about old Van Gogh.

See,

he couldn't sell one of his paintings while he was still alive.

Makes you think, doesn't it? Hey.

And do you know for why, Arthur? No, no.

Because people was more sensible in them days and was a bit more careful with

their money.

You've been hard -pushed in them days to get two goldfish of a rag and bone man

for one of these paintings.

He painted a picture of a chair.

I mean, who in their right mind is going to buy a picture of a bloody chair?

What, an ordinary chair? Ordinary chair.

I wouldn't. No, I mean, you buy a chair to sit in. Yeah, you know, like a real

chair. But not one like what he painted. Bloody uncomfortable, hard -back thing

it was. Didn't want to sit in that for long.

Because we'd never seen a decent chair in his house. Not a decent, comfortable

chair to sit back in and watch the telly.

There's one thing I'll grant you about your museum as though.

If you want to dwell on the past days.

I'll show you how them poor buggers had to live, eh?

It makes you feel grateful that we're a lot smarter today than they was.

I mean, they had no real culture, you know.

That Henry VIII and Shakespeare, they're always going on about. Neither of them

two had a chair anywhere near as comfortable as the one I sit in to watch

In fact...

Neither of them two had a telly. Well, no neighbours.

Coronation Street.

EastEnders. No.

Boy, they had to write all them rotten plays. I mean, they had nothing else,

they?

Makes you think, eh?

I bet they had better manners, though. I mean, Henry VIII might have been a

king, and you just an ordinary man.

But as far as eating goes, you're just as much a pig.

No. Oh, it's disgusting the way you gnaw at bones. Like a dog, you are. Oh, shut

up. Now, I don't suppose Emily VIII wiped his greasy hands down his trouser

like you.

Emily VIII probably had a dog to wipe his hands on. Oh, don't put ideas in his

head. No.

They're only old trousers, aren't they? Well, you go out in them.

Wonder the dogs don't all follow you.

They do.

Shut up!

That's today's paper. I haven't finished reading that yet.

Well, read it then. Here, here, here, here.

Enough to change his ways. I'm going to marry him.

Blimey, it's a wonder he didn't use the tablecloth.

Eh?

He has.

Oh, yes.

That's one of our best clothes.

No, it's the lamb. It's greasy, isn't it? Well, you're not supposed to eat it

with your hands.

Look, I think you'll find, my dear, that the royal family might still pick up a

lamb chop or two in their fingers. Oh, we know they're the royals eat now.

Bet they don't behave a bit like you at the table.

Look, when Charles Lawton played Henry VIII in that film, he picked up old

chicken in his hand. I don't care what Charles Lawton did in the film. There's

still no need to bring cinema rabbits to the table. Charles Lawton was

portraying how primitive man would behave.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Primitive man ate with his fingers.

Henry VIII was a royal king of England, sunshine.

He was primitive. He chopped his wife's heads off. But he didn't eat them,

though, did he, eh?

No, no, no offense, but I mean, you're the one who started talking about

primitive, ain't you?

There's nothing more primitive than eating each other, is there?

Depends on whether you use a knife and fork or not.

That's probably how his lot got all them holes all over their faces trying to

eat with a knife and fork, eh?

I mean, his lot, they didn't only gnaw on their bones, my dear, they stuck the

bleeding bones through their nose.

You've got such a humor, haven't you?

You know, we're all friends here, aren't we?

Yeah, I know how to do it.

Some of us, some of us are more family in a way, I suppose, you know.

That's how we survive, isn't it? After really being close, Nick, you know? You

know, share and share sort of thing.

You know, like, what's yours is... It's all of us, isn't it? I mean, I'll give

him a room tonight. You rented me a room.

Well, you're looking so glum about, Arthur. I mean, a man who's won all that

money. Come on.

I've got something special out here. Yeah? Yeah. Hold on.

Now, don't talk about me when I'm gone.

Don't talk about me when I'm gone.

Here we are, then.

Who wants to be a millionaire?

Arthur.

He's going to have a lot of money. He's going to share.

Sod off.

Here we are.

I'll give you a toast.

To the richest man here.

My very good friend, Arthur.

Cheers, mate.

To Arthur.

So what's it like to be rich, then, Arthur?

Well... Oh, well, we'll be rich soon when we buy the town.

Not as rich as old Arthur.

Don't worry. He knows who his friends are.

He's like me.

He don't forget people.

How long do you think it'll take before you get the money, Arthur?

It's a little disappointing, actually, Alf.

How's that?

Not as much as you thought. Eight score draws?

Can't be many with that, Arthur. Must be a fortune, mate.

Would have been.

Would have?

Well, it's the missus, isn't it?

Ah, she wants her share, does she? Well, she would have caused greedy cow, yeah.

No?

No, well, never mind. There's still plenty to go around, eh?

Well, there would have been plenty, yeah. Would have been.

What do you mean, would have been?

Well, the missus, she never posted a coupon.

You're joking!

You mean, you trusted her to post it?

Your wife?

A winning coupon?

She always posts a coupon. 30 years I've been doing the port, and she always

posts a coupon. A winning coupon? You trusted her with a winning coupon? I

didn't know it was a winning coupon.

Christ off, by an eight -score draw, winning coupon, and it wasn't posted?

You must feel like cutting your throat, mate.

I feel more like cutting her throat.

You could have told us, Arthur. I mean, I've laid out a lot of money on that

lame. Well, I didn't want to spoil it. You have spoiled it. I mean, I told you

we was having a celebration. You could have told me then.

I didn't want to spoil the celebration. Well, we've got nothing to celebrate,

have we?

I mean, all this has cost me a lot of money, Arthur.

What's money? I mean, all you say is it's only money.

Oh, dear, how awful.

30 years you've been doing the pool.

And the first time you get a big win up, she forgets to post it.

Oh, dear. How awful.

She didn't forget.

You've been having us on, haven't you?

He was having us on. He said, joke around, Arthur. You was having us on and

nearly fell for it, didn't we?

What a card. Here, come on, Arthur, have a top up.

He's had it started off.

Cheers, Arthur.

Cheers. Well, you see, it's like this, Alf.

Nice drink, doesn't he, eh?

Goodbye, Arthur.

30 years I've been doing a football pause and each week I've given a coupon

the missus to post. Well, it's paid off, isn't it?

No, Alf.

She never posted any of them. She tore up the coupon and put the postal order

her purse.

Eh? Well, she's a church lady and don't believe in gambling.

No, I can understand that. What do you mean you can understand that?

Gambling is a sin.

What's stealing then, eh? She's been stealing his postal orders for years.

Oh, Gordon bloody Bennett.

A winning ticket and she never sent it. A big winning ticket worth millions and

she never bloody will send it.

God, if that was a wife of mine, I'd... You'd what?

I'd...

I've probably lost a fortune.

We all have.

You're quite right, Arthur. Half of that would have been yours.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I know where my friends are.

Yeah.

Here, Arthur.

Mrs. Ollenbury was just saying, why don't you do the same as her and Mr.

What? Well, you live in a council house.

So why don't you buy it off them cheap and make yourself some money?

Yeah, I thought about that, but I mean, would I get a mortgage at my age?

What do you mean, your age? You're only the same age as me. Well, you wouldn't

get a mortgage either. You told me...

Look, me getting married and buying this house cheap off the council was all

your idea.

Yeah, well, it's a good idea.

I mean, this house is worth a lot more than you'd pay the council for it. Well,

if I can't get a mortgage... Well, that's it, you see. It will be hard to

mortgage. Why can't he get a mortgage? Well, because no building society would

risk it, I should think. Not at his age.

I mean, they're not fools, are they? I mean, like, he could borrow all that

money off them, and all of a sudden, six weeks later, boom, boom, he's gone.

He's not with us anymore.

And there we all are.

standing at his graveside, dressed in black, crying.

I've got a black hat.

I have to get some shoes, sir.

He'd be laughing, but they'd be well out of pocket, the mortgage company,

wouldn't they?

Would they still have the house?

Yeah, but they'd also have Mrs. Olinbury living in it, wouldn't they? And it

wouldn't be vacant possession, would it? And that's what they'd want.

I mean, they'd have to kick her out and that could be difficult for them. No,

you can forget that.

But there is another way.

Let me buy the ad.

I'm younger.

I've got a lot more years to go than you have, so I'll be no problem.

I'll be able to meet all the requirements.

Do you know what I mean?

Well, because I'm younger, fitter, healthier, better looking than you.

Shut up.

So, I see. We get the house cheap off the council and you buy it, is that it?

Yep, no problem.

I'll probably get a mortgage fairly easy.

I see. And then it'll be your house, is that right?

Well, in a way, I suppose.

But not until you're both dead and gone.

And then, instead of you being my lodger, I will become your lodger, is

No, Mr Garnett, it won't be like that. Because, you see, I'll be a much better

landlord than you.

Kind of. More considerate.

I might not even charge you rent. Well, not as much as you'd charge me. I'd

probably let you live here rent -free. In your house?

Well, technically, I suppose.

I see. And technically, we'd be homeless, I suppose.

No, Mr Garnett, it wouldn't be like that. You can trust me.

Here. So you lost your job. Yeah. And you couldn't continue to pay the

Well, I'd just get another job. It's not that hard. Well, if it's not that hard,

why don't you get another job now? Because the one you've got at the

not much cop, is it?

Why? What's wrong with it?

There's not much prospects, is it? What?

Social worker, employed by the council.

Under Mr Thatcher? It's the Labour council.

Yeah, may not be for long with that new development down by the river. That's

right, your London Docks Development Corporation.

Yeah, the yuppies are coming.

Could soon be a Tory council.

Please, God.

Yeah, well, I'm a yuppie.

That's just maybe.

You don't seem to have much prospects, if you ask me.

I mean, looking after people like Mr Garnet, you just said he ain't got long

go.

I shall have to see if I can get a decent insurance out on you before I

to tie myself up. He just told you you can't. Well, then I shall have to think

again.

I don't want to seem selfish.

But I don't want to marry you for just six weeks or so and then find I'm stuck

with your funeral expenses.

Well, what about me?

I'll be stuck with yours.

Hold on a minute. Look, there's a way around it, Mr Garnett.

There is?

Yeah, look, we're all sitting here on a nice little earner. We could buy this

place for 20 grand. It's probably worth 100.

I mean, we ought to have a go for it.

Well?

Adopt me.

Adopt you? Yeah.

We can draw up all the papers, make it legal.

I'd like to be a yuppie. I'll adopt you.

My auntie's a better boy than this. You keep at it. You've got me enough message

to eat.

Me? If you mean... No, I'm thinking.

That's what I think here.

Oh, I'm glad you said trying.

I'm going out the pub.

You coming, Arthur?

I've got no money.

Well, I ain't got enough for two. You've had enough out of me already tonight.

It's all right, Al. Don't worry about me. I'll stay behind here and finish

You won't.

It won't work, sunshine.

What won't work? Me and Mrs. Olinbury adopting you.

Why won't it work?

I'll be a good son to you.

Shut up!

I promise, Daddy, I will.

We're too old, aren't we?

Won't let old people adopt. Won't let old people do anything.

Can't we say we're his real parents?

Don't talk daft, woman.

Well, how are they to know?

How are they to know?

You've been stuck in front of that thing too bloody long. That's your trouble.

How are they to know? I'm white and he's black.

He wouldn't be the first black boy who's had a white father.

And a white mother.

You could say I was his second wife.

But you will be.

Well, there you are.

What do you mean, there I am?

Tell him your first wife was a blackie. How are they to know?

You want me to malign myself to else, God rest her soul? Hang on, what do you

mean by malign? Oh, God's truth.

No wonder her religion's got confession.

If they're all like her, that poor priest of yours, he must be stuck in

confession box of his forever.

All right, then. I'll say my first husband was a blackie. Does that suit

You would, too, wouldn't you?

Expect me to stand here and marry you, and everybody's thinking your first

husband was a blackie.

Forget it.

I've got some pride, haven't I?

What's that for him? I don't know.

I've got a headache.

Well,

that's the drink.

Here. Now, this will take away your headache. Read it.

What? I've got a letter. Letter?

Yes, from my brother.

Your brother? Yes.

You never told me you had a brother.

How many more relationships have you got? Oh, only him and my sister.

But he was my favourite brother. And I wrote and told him I was getting married

again and he wants to meet you.

Well, I don't know. I mean, where does he live?

Oh.

For you, what, like half each?

Well, it'll be ours, don't matter.

What, yours and mine, like half each? If he likes you.

What do you mean, if he likes me? Well, he wants to meet you first.

Well, he'd have to come here, wouldn't he? No!

Australia? Don't look so glum, Alfie. It's marvellous news, isn't it?

I thought I won't go to Australia.

Why not?

It's a bloody long way, isn't it?

My rotten luck, isn't it?

She comes up with a rich brother and he has to live in bloody Australia.

The antipodes.

Van Diemen's Lane.

Home of bloody convicts.

I think I knew that brother of hers.

He was a bit of a crook then, if I remember rightly.

I think the whole family were.

In fact... Unless I'm wrong, she was the only honest one among them.

Be a nice trip, though, Alf.

Nice trip?

I don't want to go all that way, gallivanting halfway around the world at

age. You're not scared, are you? No, I'm not scared.

Pretty wild place, though, by all accounts.

Well, I don't know. It looks all right, what I've seen of it. Well, you ain't

been there, have you? I've seen it on the telly. Well, I've seen Neighbours

that bicentennial thing when that was on, but, I mean, what are we?

Anywhere the Queen goes is all right, I suppose, but she's got her soldiers with

her, and she ought to be on my own.

You've got Mrs.

Olinbury. Well, she's no protection.

She'd expect me to look after her, wouldn't she?

No, not all that way. I mean, if I was a young man, yeah, but... I'd go.

Would you?

Like a shot.

Anything to get away from my missus.

I tell you, if they'd have me, I'd join up again.

I tell you, I didn't know at the time, but those years I had away from her in

the army...

was the best years of my life.

Well, if they've gone mad, then give it another go.

Well, I don't know how, but I mean, every man's got to make his own decision

about something like that.

I mean, you've got Mrs. Olinby.

All right, well, she's got her faults, but they've all got their faults. Well,

she's a woman, isn't she?

You've got to expect it.

I mean, no woman's as weird like them to be, but it's not in their nature.

My Mrs. Will, she ain't got no nature.

No human nature.

I mean, there's no warmth about her.

You touch her, she's cold, ice cold.

I mean, flowers wither at the sight of her.

I mean, we can't keep a cat or a dog.

Never had mice.

Even the flies won't come in the room if she's in there.

I don't think it's my imagination, but there's a green glow comes off her at

night.

I don't want to put you off, Al, but my message is something different.

I think...

One night, a flying saucer's going to land and she'll go back on it.

Why don't you come to Australia with me, then? Well, give me the chance.

I mean, I'd go in leg lines like them bloody convicts here to get away from

Is there a chance, Alf?

I mean, don't forget, it's £100 ,000.

You'll be toning down all that money her brother's going to lend you.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

You see, a rich relation, Alf, is, well, manna from heaven.

Yeah. Meet him. Put on the old charm like you've done with her.

I suppose he don't like me.

How could he not like you?

I mean, £100 ,000. If you don't go over there, it's almost as bad as not posting

a coupon.

£100 ,000.

You're right, Alf. Just think.

Just think of all the beer you can drink for £100 ,000.

No more sipping.

You're right, mate.

£100 ,000.

I wonder how many points there are in that.

Well,

never mind, Alfred.

Here goes the first.

Don't mind doing your own thing, we're rich now, aren't we?

Australia, here we come!

Thank you.

Thank you.

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