Original subtitles

Now my old darling, they've laid her down to rest, and now I'm missing her

all my heart.

But they don't give a monkey's down at the age, yes they, and they're calling

off me pension for a start.

No, it won't be very long before I'm tired of time, because I'll probably

to death, that's what I'll do.

But richer or poorer, I'm bloody poor, that's a fact, just because in sickness

than in health, that's what I'll do.

Good night, Mickey.

Please Put it on the site

You should keep off that, there you go.

Cheers.

You bought the ring for Mrs. Olinbury yet?

Don't be daft, I've already got one, haven't I?

One else left.

Good rest her soul.

Didn't she take it with her?

Well, I was going to leave it on her finger, but I thought they all know

up there.

We got married in one of his churches, didn't we? One of his blokes married us,

so it'd be in his records.

Well, don't trust them undertakers. If I'd have left it on her finger, they'd

have had it off the thieving swans.

Well, Mrs. Oliver wouldn't want another woman's wedding ring, though, would she?

Well, no, would she?

You removed Elsa's wedding ring before they put her down? She wanted me to have

it. With her last breath, she wanted me to have it.

Anyway, wasn't going to let it lay under the ground. It's gold, isn't it?

You didn't sell it.

You did.

You sold it. Well, it's just sitting in a drawer. It's not doing no good in

there, is it?

Well, if you sold it, how can you give it to Mrs. Ollenbury? Kept the ticket.

You pawned it. You pawned your dead wife's wedding ring. I kept the ticket

I wouldn't part with that ticket.

I treasure that ticket.

You know what is the best thing about marriage, Mr. Garnett? What? Nothing.

Nothing is the best thing about marriage.

But if you must, you know what is the best thing to buy?

What? Wholesale.

Wholesale is the best.

And if you want wholesale, I know wholesale.

I was in wholesale before they invented wholesale.

My sister's house, wholesale.

Her husband's car, wholesale.

Wait, Ike, you know wholesale?

Yeah. You can get wholesale?

Can't get two large whiskeys going wholesale.

So you're going in there to propose to her now, are you? Yeah, well, now I've

decided to take the plunge, I thought I might as well let her know, you know.

They like to make plans and things, you know. Oh, I shouldn't be too casual

about it there, Alf. I mean, if you're going to marry Mrs. Olinby and you can

buy that house cheap off the council, that's £100 ,000 in it for you.

Try and give her a bit of romance.

They like that sort of thing, you know, being swept off their feet.

What you've got to do is try and convince her that your head over heels

love with her.

She's the only pearl in the world for you and you couldn't live without her.

Tell her if she turns you down, you'll probably die of a broken heart.

You think she'd believe all that?

No, I shouldn't think so.

That's the sort of rubbish they like to hear, isn't it? I mean, they read about

it in books, see it on the telly, watch it on the films. They want life to be

full of romance.

Of course it's not.

That's why they turn so bloody nasty after they're married.

Yeah, well, it is a big moment, I suppose.

So? So, be like... Clark Gable, when he went after Myrna Loy.

Imagine that she's waiting there to rush to the door when she hears your knock.

I've got a key, haven't I?

Go in there after her.

Sweep her up in your arms.

Shower her with kisses.

Throw yourself at her feet.

Tell her that your life is hers and you can't live without her. You would die

for her.

You would defend her against enemies.

Walk a million miles for one of her smiles.

That wasn't Clark, Guy. Well, that was old Jolson. And he was saying it to his

mother, not to his wife.

You know, remember?

Mammy!

Mammy! I'll walk a million miles for one of your smiles.

Mammy!

It's a mistake keeping the pubs open all day. And they complain their pension's

not large enough. Well, it won't be with the pubs open all day.

I don't give a damn.

She's up there now.

Little did she know what I've got in store for her.

Oh, blimey.

That her wildest dreams are about to come true. It'll be like Christmas for

When I tell her what I've got planned, she'll be happy.

Will she be happy when I tell her, I love you.

Yes, I do.

I'm willing to marry you, Mrs. Olinbury.

Straight to the clapping and saying, okay, bye.

Mrs. Olinbury?

Yes? Can you come down here a minute?

Well, enough to wait.

Well, go without!

I was going to ask her to marry me.

I must be up the pole round the bloody twist.

Make the fuss of her. Be romantic.

Be wasted on her. She wouldn't understand it. She doesn't even know

is, even.

I'm offering to marry her, and she's too busy to come down the bleeding stairs.

Well, shut up. That's right.

Don't watch her down here. I don't.

Find out before you start. Know what you're letting yourself in for. They're

the same. All the same. All of them. None of them's any different. Self,

self. It's all they think about.

Never a fault for the... Especially for the husband.

I thought you wanted to talk to me.

What did you want to say to me? Nothing.

You called up the stairs.

Did I?

Yes, you asked me to come down. Well, you was too busy.

Well, I was then.

Well, I am now.

Well, don't call me.

Wasting my time anymore. I mean, I've got things to do.

So have I!

So have I!

You're not the only one with things to do.

Thank you, God.

You don't give nothing away without it's got a nasty sting in its tail, do you?

You show me out and make £100 ,000 out of this house, if I've got to marry her,

I'll do it.

You strike our bargain, Lord.

£100 ,000, blimey.

That's worth a bit of sacrifice, that, isn't it?

£100 ,000 to have to marry her.

Look at it like that.

Yeah, well, she's a good cook, I suppose. I could do worse.

All right, Lord, I'll accept the deal.

I don't know why you always have to have strings attached, though.

That's why people go off you, you know. Wouldn't hurt you to give away something

for nothing just for once.

Well, I see your point, though.

Make her happy at the same time. Two birds with one stone.

Always thinking of how you can do good, ain't you?

You've got her interest at heart, ain't you, eh?

You're an old shopper, you are.

Oh, well, she's a good woman, I suppose.

Deserves a little bit of happiness.

Mrs.

Solonberry! Now what?

Can you come down here a moment, please?

What?

I've got something to tell you.

I wish you'd make up your mind. You had something to tell me before to have

changed your mind. You... I've got more to do than try to come down these

stairs. You could be sorry if you don't. Sorry for what?

No, I'm not showing up the stairs.

Well, I can hear you just as well up here as down there.

All right, if you don't want to hear what I've got to say, I won't tell you.

you don't want to come down here, stay up there. But you could be losing out

because it's to your advantage.

What? Step inside, please.

Take a seat.

What, here?

Make yourself comfortable.

Oh, no.

Do you have to smoke that thing?

My first wife used to complain about this.

But as I explained to her, I said, In marriage, my dear.

It has to be a bit of give and a bit of take.

Right? Yes.

I expect you've had more than your fair share of both.

How many times have you been married? Just the once, my dear. You said your

first wife. She was my first wife. She was your only wife. She was my first and

only wife up until now. God rest her soul.

Up until now?

I said I'd never marry again.

She was very dear to me, my house was, and her memory still haunts me to this

very day.

But I think I've done my duty, dear.

She was a good woman and a very worthy wife, and well deserving of the sorrow

that I felt for her. But I think I owe it to another now, another

good woman and just as worthy in her way, with who I'm willing to share my

remaining days.

get married again?

Is that what you're saying?

Yes. I'm willing to give you another go. That's what I'm saying.

But don't look so surprised. I'm not drunk or anything.

Well, so, I mean, if you are thinking about getting married again, if you're

looking for romance or something, if you feel the need of a man in your life,

well, you can stop searching because I'm willing to give you a try.

to give me a try, are you? Correct.

Well, that's very nice of you.

When would you like me to start?

Or are there others you've got to try out first?

Look, you know what I mean. No, I don't.

Unless I'm to take it that you're proposing to me.

That's what I'm saying, isn't it? Not very romantically.

Well, what do you expect me to do? Get down on my knees like some daft ape?

Beg.

No, I doubt if you're man enough for that.

Man? What do you mean, man enough?

I'll show you if I'm man enough.

Blimey, I'll tell you one thing. I'm man enough not to go down on my knees to

anybody. A strong man, a really strong man, would think nothing of throwing

himself at the feet of the woman he loved and begging her to marry him.

You haven't even said you love me yet.

Well, I thought you'd know that. I thought you'd take that for granted.

Seems you've taken quite a bit for granted.

Lord...

I wouldn't have called you down from upstairs if I didn't, would I?

If you didn't what?

What?

Blimey.

What I've been saying.

£100 ,000.

Marry Mrs. Honenby and it'll be all yours.

Be romantic, Alf. You've got to sweep her off her feet, the way Clark Cable

to do with Myrna Loy and Vivian Lee.

I love you.

And I want you for my bride.

Oh, Christ!

I love you and I want you for my bride.

I'll have to think about it.

Eh?

You'll have to give me time.

You will.

It's a big step.

A big step?

You... Oh!

You! You!

I'm up for to marry you! Me!

It's me! I'm up for to marry you, silly pal!

Wait!

Bloody hell!

How'd you get on with Mrs. Olinbury?

Eh? Did you pop the question?

Well, put my cards on the table and left her a mullet over.

What does she say?

Well, it's a big step for her, isn't it? It's more than she bargained for, I

suppose. See, like, when her husband died, well, she put out the grass, so to

speak, and here I come along offering to put her back between the shafts again,

so... I dare say she's wondering if she's up to it.

See, when she's first made a widow, she probably thought, that's it, my life is

over, and here I am.

offering to give her another cold.

So it's probably all been a bit too much for her, and I can understand that,

Arthur, so I thought, you know, I'll let her sleep on it, and when the

excitement has died down... If she comes now.

Well, aren't you going to ask her over?

Well, if she wants to come over, I mean, she'll come over. I mean, she can see

me sitting here.

Aren't you going to buy her a drink?

I don't want to make too much fuss, do I?

I'll get her one.

Here, I'll get you a drink.

Oh, I was just going to get you one. Yeah, I saw you rushing to the bar.

Here you are.

That's it.

Thanks, Arthur. Oh, good half. Good half.

Here. Congratulations, is it?

What for?

Oh, um, good half.

Are you coldy? What?

Secret? I'll trust you to tell everybody.

I haven't even given you my answer yet and everybody knows. Knows what?

Oh, have you two got a secret?

Well, look, if you want to be private, I don't mind. No, it's all right, Arthur.

He seems to have told everybody else down the street. One more won't matter.

Told what?

Look, the man in the corner shop knows.

Four people met me on my way here and they know. And all of them are the...

they know.

Congratulations.

I never told nobody.

Nor me. I never said a word. Cross my heart, Elf.

Congratulations, Mr. Garnet.

And you know what they say, don't you?

Any man who gets married for a second time doesn't deserve to have lost his

first wife.

That's a joke.

Well,

they'll find a way.

Well, there's a will, eh, Mr. Garnet?

If I don't think you should make one of them out.

Yeah? I mean, think of her. You start your jiggy -jiggies after all these

it might be a shock to your sister.

You'll never leave her destitute.

You mustn't mind my Freddie. Don't mean nothing.

It's just his way.

He has to see the funny side of everything.

Yeah, well, I'll show him the funny side of my hand in a minute.

If he wants to laugh, he should look in the mirror.

You're telling a joke, Mrs Hollenberry.

Yes. So was your mother when she had you, boy.

His mother had him late in life.

Yeah, well, that's always a mistake.

Yes, I'm sure of it.

His sister is a handsome woman.

He was always the ugly duckling, poor friend.

I sometimes wonder what they ever saw in him.

Not there now, anyway, whatever it was.

Still, I mustn't grumble.

We've got a nice house.

There wasn't much choice for anybody in those days.

They were all much of a mutt.

Oh, well, my late husband, George, God rest his soul, I mean, he was always a

cut above most of them round here.

Well, I suppose a mutt would have thought my Fred was at one time.

My George was a very smartly turned -out man.

Very well thought of.

And very good -looking.

He was an MC.

Well, a military cross.

Master of ceremony that does.

Only the Catholic ones.

Well, I only went to the Catholic ones.

I knew your husband.

Well? Nothing.

She can go on about me with her ugly duckling.

You know, I could have had my pick, I could.

Her choice might have been limited, but mine wasn't.

My mother might have had me late in life, but at least I was her choice.

But it wasn't the result of a drunken father.

Ten of them, you know.

Ten of them, her mother asked.

What are you doing?

I could have married beauty.

I had a good job and money, but my mother warned me against that. She said,

you're not out buying a decoration for your house, she said.

You're looking for a wife.

Someone who's going to keep it smart and tidy.

And when I took her home, mum said, that's her.

Marry her, because she won't stray.

So I get the chance.

for me.

I'm serious.

She was my choice.

Oh, yes.

She's one in a million in her own way.

Oh, my God, he wants looking at.

Looks aren't everything, eh, dear?

Beauty's only skin deep, Mr. Garney, and it soon wears off as they get older.

And it's like anything.

It's like, take my motor.

Pretty as a picture she was when I bought her. Shiny with a new paint she

And now, crapped out she is now.

Crapped out. Just like, um... Well, there's anything for him, isn't there?

No. No, I wasn't looking for beauty.

I wasn't daft.

I knew what I wanted.

Nothing last, Mr Garnet. Not in pristine condition.

There's a government finding out with its health purpose.

There's a question of...

The cost of keeping them on the road, you know? It's a new gearbox with the

What it might be with her, I don't know.

I'm not a doctor. I can't look under the bonnet.

But after 20 years of body work starts to show its age, bits fall off.

The big end might blow it.

What I've got to decide is, can I afford to keep it on the road?

I mean, it's...

As soon as you patch up something, something else falls off.

It's all right for your doctors and your mechanics. They're earning out of it.

But I'm going to take you to... If you were cars, you wouldn't pass your MOTs.

No offence meant, Mr Garnet, but it's true.

Isn't it, eh? As Maggie Thatcher thought of it.

Privatise the National Health Service.

Abandon them all to market forces.

That's what she's going to do, eh? And good old Maggie.

I think you've had enough of that.

I'm going to have another.

You fool.

You mustn't let my Fred upset you, Mr Garnet. It's just his way with people.

He loves Mrs Thatcher.

He won't hear a word said against her.

It was all Adolf Hitler at one time.

But since Mrs Thatcher took over, poor Adolf had to take a back seat.

He used to praise that man so much.

I said to him once, I said, Fred, if you keep going on like that about Mr.

Hitler, people will get the wrong impression.

Congratulations, Mr.

Garnet. And if you get as much happiness out of her as I've had out of my little

old Dutch here, you won't be doing too bad.

Uh -huh.

We're happy, aren't we, dear? In our own way.

Yes. In our own way, I suppose.

You loved your wife, didn't you, Mr Garnet?

Oh, yeah.

And she loved you.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Theo West said if she hadn't married you, she'd have probably ended up

somebody just like you.

I think I've got the pools up.

Have you?

Well, fill these up, then.

I've never won the pools.

Not ever.

I've never been lucky enough.

You don't do them, do you?

No, I don't do them.

But you're not lucky enough.

My late husband, he used to do them.

God rest his soul.

He used to go up the church every Friday night and light a candle to St. Teresa.

And not only her, the only mother.

And some Fridays, the Lord Jesus himself. But we still never won nothing.

Perhaps they didn't know what teams he'd picked.

I mean, I shouldn't think they follow football, you saints.

Go on, Benny.

How much do you think you won, Arthur?

Oh, quite a lot. Well, I'm pretty sure.

Well, I'm so sure I'd wait all night the other night trying to... I think what I

would do with it, you know, I mean, it's quite a fortune. A million or so.

Not just a head.

A pound.

Well, he's not talking about pennies, is he?

It's a lot of money, a million pennies, is it?

Well,

I wouldn't mind having some of it.

It's a lot of money. There you are. I said it once. He's talking about pounds,

not pennies. Oh, shut up, Bond.

It makes you think, Alf. I mean... It makes you wonder. I mean, it's worrying.

What are you going to do with it all?

Yeah. It would. Would.

But I think I know what to do with it. Would you? Oh, yeah. No problem.

What? A million pound? You'd know what to do if you won a million pound?

Yeah, spend it in here.

Some of it, I like, my dear. Some of it.

Tell you one thing.

I wouldn't sit looking empty glass.

Oh, right. I'll get you some more. Sorry. No, no. I'll get them, Arthur.

the last order.

It don't matter who got the last order, does it?

Hey, we're friends, Arthur.

As soon as we hear the key in the lock, I'll turn the light on and everybody

shouts, surprise, surprise.

He'll only turn the light on himself as soon as he comes in. Oh, well, look, get

on a chair, get the bulb out, right, and we'll let him fumble for a bit and then

I'll shout, go now, and you stick it back.

They're coming. All right, go on. They're coming down the roof. Get it

Blimey, this bulb's up. Yeah, we use a handkerchief.

Bloody dog, he does it in the same spot every... Ah,

the bloody bulb's gone. I can't see nothing.

Here.

There's somebody in here. Go now!

Absolutely. What's he doing?

You left me. You ran off and left me. I thought he was with me.

You ran off and left me here.

I was coming back for you.

Mine. Where are you going?

I'm going back to my own room.

But this is your engagement party.

I wouldn't marry him. I'd want a man, not a mouse.

Don't spoil it.

Alf, she's your woman. Right.

Mrs...

out on him.

Asked the man and he said it would cost too much.

Oh, what? Do you mean in case he ticks the bucket?

And it wouldn't be cheap.

I'm not burying him, no, not these days.

No, it'll be left to me to do it.

Look, now, you've got to think about these things, Mr Garnet. I mean, a man

age, the odds aren't with him. Not with insurance companies. What about a man

your age? Aye.

Well, I've got my house across the road, haven't I? That's collateral.

You've got your house here. Is this collateral?

No, it's not ours.

It belongs to the council.

Buy it off them.

Eh? Yeah, as a married couple, you could buy it off the council cheap.

You'd have to know about it, Mr Garnet. It would have cost about £20 ,000,

market value about £100 ,000.

That's true. That's right, isn't it, Arthur?

Oh, yeah, as a married couple, you'd be laughing living here. You'd be sharing

£100 ,000.

It'd pay you to get married, even if you don't love each other, eh, Mr Garnet?

I mean, I think I'd marry the devil for that.

I probably am.

I accept, Mr Garnett. I accept your proposal of marriage.

£50 ,000, Alfred. Not to be sneezed at.

Congratulations. Yeah, congratulations.

A happy couple.

Well done.

Go on then, Mr Garnett.

Cheers, sir.

Thank you.

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