All language subtitles for In Sickness And In Health s04e01

Now, my old darling, they've laid her
down to rest, and now I'm missing her

all we are.

But they don't give a monkey's down to
DHSS, and they're calling off me pension

for a start.

No, it won't be very long before I'm
fired, but I'll probably starve to

that's what I'll do.

But richer or poorer, I'm bloody poor,
that's a fact, that's because of the

sickness that it helped us that I do.

Look, it's all very well you saying
that's a council plan, and it's your

prerogative to stick who you like into
it. I didn't say that. Not so many

If you'd listen to what I said... You
listen to me.

What I said, Mr... I know what you said.

You won't listen. You listen to me for a
change.

I've done nothing else. Look, I'm the
one who has to live downstairs to

you want to bung in upstairs.

We're not bunging people upstairs, Mr
Garnett.

We're trying to house them as
judiciously and harmoniously as

try very hard to take everyone's likes
and dislikes into account.

So you stick her upstairs above me?

What, Mrs. Ollingbury? No!

Mickey Mouse!

Yes, Mrs.

Ollingbury, Mrs. Poison Ivy, Mrs. Bloody
Eva Broome!

Come round!

You move people in, you're never a word.

Was that judicious?

Was that harmonious? If you want the
truth, Mr Garnet, Mrs Hollingbury came

round here and pleaded for a move.

She sat in that chair and she cried.

Oh, yeah.

She said she'd put an end to herself if
she had to live under your roof a moment

longer. Well, that's lies, that, isn't
it? Well, I'm not telling lies. No, but

she is. She's a liar.

I've done everything for that woman I
have. I'm the one who ought to sit in

chair and cry if anyone should.

I'm the one who should do away with
ourselves.

That would be a solution.

Made my life a misery, she has.

Look, I'm easy to get along with.

Far too easy, if the truth be told.

I'm a good neighbour, you ask anyone.

That's not quite the impression Mrs
Hollingbury gives.

Yeah, well, I'm the one they all like,
not her.

Bloody cow.

She wouldn't do Ayn's turn for me, she
wouldn't.

Wouldn't boil a kettle, cook a
breakfast, make a meal, do any washing

scrubbing. No, not her. Not for me, she
wouldn't. Supposed to be a Christian.

Supposed to be a good neighbour.

Oh, never mind. I'd be glad to be rid of
her.

But she's not very happy either. Happy?
She don't know how to be happy, that

one.

In future, missus, if you ask people
before you move other people in above

them... What?

I'm interviewing them. Give them the
once -over.

Mr Garnet, when the council gives
somebody, anybody, the tenancy of a

flat, it becomes their home.

They pay the rent. It's got nothing to
do with anybody else. All we ask is that

they be good neighbours. Yeah, well,
it's all very well you banging people

flats wherever you think. Well, what
about us?

Who has to live underneath them with all
their bad habits and behaviour?

We're a decent neighbour. I will try to
be.

And if you lot was a bit more fussy
about who you let your flats to, we

even better neighbours and not have to
live amongst thieves and criminals

the reach of law and order. Really, Mr
Garnock, nobody's beyond the reach of

and order. Oh, ain't they?

Oh, ain't they, Mrs? You take a stroll
down our street sometime.

Oh, blimey, there's enough of them down
there.

All right, I mean, your coppers might
catch a few of them and bung them into

prison. But what good does that do?

Your prison's no hardship for your
criminal. It's only the decent, honest

what suffers in prison.

I mean, prison's no more than home for
homes, you average criminal.

It's better.

More like a social club for him, it is.

He's been there with all his mates,
hasn't he?

Got three square meals a day, snooker,
television, no rent to pay.

I mean, most of them ain't got that at
home. I ain't got that at home.

I thought you said yours was a
respectable street, Mr Garner. I thought

and so it used to be, before you lot
started moving any old Tom, Dick or

into it. Look, if you was a bit more
particular and come to us...

the decent, honest people in the street
and ask us who we want living next door

to us, it might still be a respectable
street.

Oh, I see. You would like to establish a
vetting committee.

But why not?

Why shouldn't decent, respectable people
be able to keep themselves to

themselves and not have to live among
thieves and criminals and bloody

I agree with you, Mr Garnet.

But none of us can be altogether sure
who our neighbours are. Don't talk to

Missy. You're driving.

Your upper classes, your middle classes,
all of them with a few bob.

They know who their neighbours are. At
least they know it's someone with a few

bob like themselves.

Not someone who's peeping in through the
window, waiting for them to go out so

they can nip in and rob them.

They've got neighbours they can trust.

Not neighbours who are waiting outside
to mug them the minute they step foot

outside the front door.

The middle classes get mugged too, Mr
Darnett. Not by their neighbours, they

don't.

They've got the bloody muggers living
next door to them.

Love thy neighbour, the good Lord Jesus
said.

Well, I'll tell you this, Mrs.

He wouldn't have said that, God rest his
soul, if he had to live where I have to

live. If he had to live next door to the
rubbish I have to live next door to, he

would have said, watch thy neighbours.

Keep an eye on thy neighbours.

Find out who they are and what they're
up to before you even pass the time of

day with your neighbours.

Well, you paint a sorry picture of your
street, don't you? Yeah, well, your

Picasso and your Van Gogh and the other
one, they're too loose.

The little cripple one, loads like him.

You had a hard job to paint a better
one, I tell you.

Anyway, we're not putting any Tom, Dick
or Harry above you.

Mrs. Hollingbury is a nice, clean,
respectable woman. Even you must admit

I ain't said nothing against Mrs.
Hollingbury. She's the one who come down

complaining about me.

And you are the one who told her I was a
disgusting pig and not fit to live in

the same house with her.

I didn't say that. Oh, I see. So Mrs.
Hollingbury's a liar too now, is she?

I haven't seen Mrs. Hollingbury for
months. You encourage her to come down

telling tales about me?

I've been very good to that woman, I
have.

And what about her next door? Which
side?

Both sides.

Ah, well... They have complained about
you.

Which side?

Both sides.

The week's as bad as the other, that
one.

I mean, always knocking on my wall, that
one is.

Which one?

Both of them it comes to that.

As soon as I turn my telly on, knock,
knock, knock, bang, bang, bang,

complaining because it's too loud.

Too loud.

I'm lucky the bloody thing works at all.

And that's the crux of it, isn't it?
That's what's got up her nose.

Who? Mrs.

Olinbury.

Because I turned off neighbours.

It's my telly, isn't it? She's sitting
in my flat.

Complaining because I've turned off my
telly. I've got them two witches either

side of me, bang, bang, knocking on the
bloody wall, complaining because I've

turned the bloody set on, and she's
sitting there screaming blue bloody

as I turn it off.

I mean, it's my telly, isn't it? I think
I am entitled to decide which programme

we watch.

I mean, that's asking too much, is it?

No. Don't tell her to come down here
complaining about me and asking you to

her a new flat because you've told her
that I'm a disgusting pig and not fit to

live in the same house with.

Mrs. Hollingbury has not been down here
complaining and I certainly never told

her you were a pig.

Although, I'm not... No, she told me
she'd been down here and you said... I

never did.

You just said she sat here in this chair
and cried.

Oh, that was a long time ago.

Last time I saw Mrs Hollingbury, she
said you were getting along quite well.

Well, she's a liar.

Did you say a long time ago?

Yes.

You mean she ain't been down here today
complaining about me?

Well, Mrs Hollingbury hasn't been down
here today.

And you never told her that I was a pig
and not fit to live with?

No.

Lying bloody bitch.

She told me that you was going to get
her a new flat in a better

and move other people in above me more
my own sort.

And I can understand your alarm, Mr
Garnet. It's all pleasant for you.

I haven't seen her. We haven't told her
anything.

Right.

Mr Garnet? What?

You've forgotten your stick.

What are you doing?

That's my telly.

That's what you like, neighbour.

Yes. When I turn it on...

watching that and nobody's bothered to
bang.

But as soon as you come in, they start.

You've been watching my telly all
afternoon.

Usually my license burning my electric.

I put money in the box.

it no cheaper, my dear, because there's
nothing on there to your liking.

I don't get a rebate from the BBC
because the programmes ain't to my

Hours and hours of bloody repeats.

Shows that I've paid for over and over
again.

I should better claim money back on
repeats or anything else I don't watch.

I should have a fork to fill in. Seen
that? Seen that? That's rubbish. That's

crap.

I should better claim back on what I
don't watch.

Shush! Shush!

Shush! This is my flat, and that is my
telly,

and that is my chair you're sitting in.

You're a difficult man to try and get
along with. Well, stay upstairs in your

own flat, then. Go on. I can have my own
flat soon. Somewhere else. Yeah,

somewhere away from you.

Oh, yeah?

Is that what the lady at the council
office has told you, my dear? Yes.

Somewhere smart.

Somewhere I can hold my head up. Yes.
Well, you can hold your head up here, my

dear. This end of the street's all
right, apart from the next door.

And, uh, when did this council lady tell
you you was getting this new flat of

yours, eh?

Soon. Oh, yeah?

Told you that this morning, did she,
when you saw her?

Yes.

I should crush yourself, my dear, if I
were you.

Eh?

Ace, king, queen, jack, you know?

You're going to tell lies, my dear. It's
safer to cross yourself.

It appeases the Lord.

You should know that. You're a Catholic.

I don't tell lies.

I've got more respect for my maker.

Well, let's hope for your sake that your
maker wasn't up to council offices for

anything this afternoon.

And I hope what that council lady had to
say to me.

What council lady?

Never mind.

Your maker's probably got his little
black book out anew already.

Well, he's everywhere according to your
religion, isn't he? And if he was at the

council office this afternoon and heard
what I heard that lady say to me, you're

in for a lot of Hail Marys, my dear.

And that parish priest of yours will
have you on your knees for hours. You

days, probably weeks, and so you bloody
will write.

What lady? The lady that you were
supposed to have seen.

The lady who was supposed to have told
you that I was a disgusting pig and not

fit to live in the same house with. You
are a pig. Oh, yeah.

That may be, my dear. But the council
lady didn't tell you that I was, did

No. And when you confess all of that to
the father, I only have you on your

knees till Christmas!

I'll tell you, it's a bugger, this
getting old, Arthur.

I tell people, I say, before you sneer
at me, I am your future.

I'm what you've got coming to you.

Never mind looking after yourself. Never
mind not smoking, not drinking, doing

your exercises.

Look at me, I tell them.

I'm what's in store for you.

Loneliness and the old age pension.

That's where you're heading.

That wipes a smile off their faces.

Look at this.

Reduced to sipping it now, I am.

I've got to learn to make it last.

I used to be able to down three or four
pints of this once just for starters.

Just to sort of sharpen your appetite.

I used to be able to afford to get drunk
three or four times a week once,

Arthur. Not any more.

Couldn't even afford to get drunk
Christmas this year.

You was drunk last Friday, though,
weren't you?

No.

I had a few, I think.

Not drunk, though.

Not what I call drunk, anyway.

You fell over in here.

Well, that's my hip, innit?

But it's artificial hip now, aren't I?
I'm still learning to use it. See, it's

bit of a miracle, really, the way I
still get about in it, I suppose.

But I won't give in to it after, will I?
No.

See, that's why I'm different to the
others. That's what her upstairs was

only the other day.

Mrs. Ollenbury? Yeah.

You're a hero with that leg, she said.

You deserve a medal, she said. You sit
there, you never complain, never a word

passes your lips about what you must
have gone through, she said.

Well, you're all right now, though,
aren't you, Alf? I mean, now you've had

operation. Well, I should be. I should
be by rights, Alf, but... It's a strange

thing, though. Yeah?

I can still feel that missing bone.

It's the thing people say, you know.

You hear people say that I've lost a
leg. You hear them say how they can feel

that missing leg that ain't there all
their lives.

But you ain't lost a leg.

I've lost a hip, and that is a part of
your leg, isn't it? And I can still feel

that missing hip.

I don't see that, Arthur. I mean, the
whole point of the operation was to take

away that hip.

I know that, Arthur, but I can still
feel it.

But they gave you a new it. I know that.

But I can still feel the old one.

So you're still in as much pain now as
you was before then? Worse, I'd say. So

what was the point of having the
operation?

That's what I say.

There's the bloody doctors, isn't it?

Didn't want to be done out of their
money, I suppose.

Well, can't blame them. They've got to
earn a living, I suppose. Trouble is,

their living half is poking about inside
of us.

I don't want to complain, but... I
mean...

They've got to practice their medicine,
I suppose, but the way my hip feels some

days, the bloke what done it could have
done with a lot more practice, if you

ask me.

Oh, that's giving me... That is... God,
that's been prying me up so rotten all

day. Oh, dear. Well, I don't want to
complain. No, no, no.

As long as some good comes out of it for
someone.

See, your surgeon's mistake, Arthur,
that kills thousands of people in this

country every year.

But you never hear about their mistakes.

And do you know for why? No.

Because they bury them, that's why.

I mean, why do you think a surgeon wears
a mask? Says he can't be identified,

that's why.

Apart from your hip, your fit, Alf.

I mean, that's something, isn't it?
Well, I've survived the knives. I

can't complain. I'm fit enough apart
from my hip.

I'll tell you something, Alf. A fit is
no good to me unless I've got money.

I mean, ill with plenty of money is a
bloody sight better than fit without any

at my age.

Don't you value your health?

Well, I value money more.

Better than anything else, that is.

Better than love?

Love?

Love? What good is love to you if you're
cold and hungry?

Anyway, you can get all the love you
need if you've got money.

You're talking about sex.

I mean, you can buy sex for money. You
can't buy love, though. Wrong, Arthur,

wrong.

If you've got money, I guarantee if
you're a millionaire, I'll wager you,

have more of your family and all sorts
of other people hanging around you,

saying how much they love you, more than
you want to put up with, to be honest.

Well, saying they love you, maybe, but
really loving you, that's another

Well, saying they love you or really
loving you, what's the difference?

As long as they act like they're loving
you and making up for you, what's it

matter?

You can never tell if people really love
you. You can only go by what they say

or do.

Unless you've got no money.

Unless you're stony, broke and poor as a
bleating church mouse like I am.

That's when you can tell whether people
really love you or not.

I mean, why do you think I'm so bloody
lonely?

So you think that nobody loves you for
yourself?

Not what I call love, no.

Of course there is.

Who?

Plenty.

Name one.

Go on.

Don't rush me. Let me think.

My house.

God rest her soul. She loved me.

She thought the world of me. She did.

I was her world.

Mrs. Ollenbury.

Mrs. Ollenbury?

Well, you could be in for a big surprise
there.

I could?

Yeah, I mean, you play your cards right
with her. You'd be on a good thing then.

Yeah, well, I'm pleasant enough, Arthur.

Trouble is, with women, I mean, you
know, you pay them too much attention

you know where you are, they're in love
with you.

They're too keen on us, that's their
trouble.

You could do a lot worse than her, you
know. Oh, yeah, I could have a lot worse

than her living up above me.

I mean, she does keep herself to herself
a bit, doesn't she? Oh, yeah.

And she's not constantly throwing
herself at you, is she? No, not the way

might. No, she'll be grateful for that.

No, she's all right.

Bit thick, though.

You can't blame her for that, though,
can you? No, no, you're right there,

Harvey, you're right there. I mean, you
can't expect her to be any brighter than

she was born to be, eh?

She does her best, though. Yeah, but,
you know, if it ain't there, it ain't

there, is it?

Well, that's right, yeah.

I mean, can't expect the Lord to waste a
good brain on the likes of her, can

you?

He knew what he wanted her for.

Housewife. Right.

The way of man.

Right, and I mean, you know, she's in
pretty good nick, I mean, for her age.

She's a bit younger than you, isn't she?

Oh, yeah.

She's got a few years left in her, all
right.

Well, that's not to be sneezed at, you
know, because you ain't getting any

younger. And if that hip of yours gets
worse, I mean, she'll have the strength

to push you about in a wheelchair, won't
she?

That can be very useful.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Yeah, she needs a man to take her over.

Find a use for her.

Give her a function.

Of course.

There's always the else.

The else?

Yeah, I mean, forget in love for the
minute and think about financial gain.

you're saying how hard up you are, and
I've told you before, you don't have to

love a woman to marry her. You take your
upper classes, the aristocracy.

I mean, they don't just marry for love,
for position, joining their dynasties,

putting two fortunes together.

You marry Mrs. Olinbury and you'll be
doing the same thing, using your loaf,

putting two pensions together.

I mean, you're sitting on a small
fortune in that house over there.

Fortune? The house.

You marry Mrs. Olinbury, and you not
only put two pensions together, but

of two flats, you've got a whole house.

And with this loony left council we've
got here, you could buy that house for

,000. And that house is worth 120 ,000.

That's 50 ,000 each.

Or, or, you handle her right.

That's a hundred thousand for you. A
hundred thousand pound and a wife that's

willing and able.

She'd be willing, all right.

A hundred thousand pounds.

Aye, Mr Garnet.

You're looking cheerful.

Looks as if you've come into money.

The old black economy going well, is it?
Don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, come on, Mr Garnett, you must be one
of the richest men around here, all

them black lads living with you. Hey,
you must be coining it in rent.

Look, I don't blame him. Look, I don't
charge rent.

Oh, come on, Mr Garnett.

All them black boys living in your
house, you ain't charging them rent, eh?

Well, there's got to be some attraction
in it.

Have you gone a bit, you know?

No,

I ain't.

That black boy Winston you live with,
he's definitely a... He don't live with

no more, Winston.

I've got his cousin Pelly living in.
He's not a bookter. All right, don't get

wrong. Live and let live, that's what I
say. As long as you're all consenting

adults. Look, it's got nothing to do
with that, and I don't charge him rent.

mean, it's not a crime these days, is
it?

Look, I've took him in out of goodness
of my heart.

But it does lower the tone of a
respectable street, and that's not nice,

Also, it lowers property prices. Where
do you want to sell?

And that's even worse for us who've got
money tied up in our houses. You know?

Might be worth about £120 ,000, probably
like that, if we could stop their...

Puffs!

£100 ,000?

Hoo -hoo!

£100 ,000!

God's truth!

Yeah. I was just watching your telly.
That's all right.

Oh, I'm in your chair.

No, no, no, it's all right. You sit
here.

I bought some fish and chips.

It's only the one piece of cod.

It's the other bit is placed.

Oh.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

It's only the one piece of cob, but the
place is nice.

I'll get complaint.

Which bit would you like?

Oh, I don't mind.

Yeah, I bought a Guinness for you, too.

You like a Guinness?

Oh, thank you.

Right.

Do you like plain or cod?

No, you.

No. You choose.

No, you have what you want.

No. You.

You have what you want.

No, you do.

No.

You.

Well, I tell you what. What? We both
have a piece of each.

All right. Yes.

Let the prof go down, eh?

I didn't go down the council office this
morning, you know.

I was telling fib.

And the woman there didn't say what I
said she did.

And she's not even getting me another
flat.

and I'm not even looking for one.

I'm happy here.

Ooh!

Bit more cosy, eh?

That's nice.

Yeah, well, I thought, you know...

Bit cosy, eh?

It's very romantic.

You're a very good elf.

You still burning my electric in here?

What's this thing?

New Economy Drive?

It's you here. Who had he gone?

Who? You're Winston.

That ain't Winston.

It's his cousin, Pelly.

Are you sure?

Can't you tell the difference?

I haven't got my glasses.

She can't tell the difference between
you.

I don't want to tell the difference
between them, thank you.

Anyway, I'm sorry if I disturbed
anything.

Eh?

Well, if I spoilt anything that was
going on, you know.

No, I don't know.

I think it's wonderful.

Marvellous. You enjoy yourselves.

I will have to move.

No!

Stop that in there!

That's what I'll do But richer or poorer
I'm bloody poorer That's a fact