Original subtitles

Now, my old darling, they've laid her down to rest, and now I'm missing her

all we are.

But they don't give a monkey's down to DHSS, and they're calling off me pension

for a start.

No, it won't be very long before I'm fired, but I'll probably starve to

that's what I'll do.

But richer or poorer, I'm bloody poor, that's a fact, that's because of the

sickness that it helped us that I do.

Look, it's all very well you saying that's a council plan, and it's your

prerogative to stick who you like into it. I didn't say that. Not so many

If you'd listen to what I said... You listen to me.

What I said, Mr... I know what you said.

You won't listen. You listen to me for a change.

I've done nothing else. Look, I'm the one who has to live downstairs to

you want to bung in upstairs.

We're not bunging people upstairs, Mr Garnett.

We're trying to house them as judiciously and harmoniously as

try very hard to take everyone's likes and dislikes into account.

So you stick her upstairs above me?

What, Mrs. Ollingbury? No!

Mickey Mouse!

Yes, Mrs.

Ollingbury, Mrs. Poison Ivy, Mrs. Bloody Eva Broome!

Come round!

You move people in, you're never a word.

Was that judicious?

Was that harmonious? If you want the truth, Mr Garnet, Mrs Hollingbury came

round here and pleaded for a move.

She sat in that chair and she cried.

Oh, yeah.

She said she'd put an end to herself if she had to live under your roof a moment

longer. Well, that's lies, that, isn't it? Well, I'm not telling lies. No, but

she is. She's a liar.

I've done everything for that woman I have. I'm the one who ought to sit in

chair and cry if anyone should.

I'm the one who should do away with ourselves.

That would be a solution.

Made my life a misery, she has.

Look, I'm easy to get along with.

Far too easy, if the truth be told.

I'm a good neighbour, you ask anyone.

That's not quite the impression Mrs Hollingbury gives.

Yeah, well, I'm the one they all like, not her.

Bloody cow.

She wouldn't do Ayn's turn for me, she wouldn't.

Wouldn't boil a kettle, cook a breakfast, make a meal, do any washing

scrubbing. No, not her. Not for me, she wouldn't. Supposed to be a Christian.

Supposed to be a good neighbour.

Oh, never mind. I'd be glad to be rid of her.

But she's not very happy either. Happy? She don't know how to be happy, that

one.

In future, missus, if you ask people before you move other people in above

them... What?

I'm interviewing them. Give them the once -over.

Mr Garnet, when the council gives somebody, anybody, the tenancy of a

flat, it becomes their home.

They pay the rent. It's got nothing to do with anybody else. All we ask is that

they be good neighbours. Yeah, well, it's all very well you banging people

flats wherever you think. Well, what about us?

Who has to live underneath them with all their bad habits and behaviour?

We're a decent neighbour. I will try to be.

And if you lot was a bit more fussy about who you let your flats to, we

even better neighbours and not have to live amongst thieves and criminals

the reach of law and order. Really, Mr Garnock, nobody's beyond the reach of

and order. Oh, ain't they?

Oh, ain't they, Mrs? You take a stroll down our street sometime.

Oh, blimey, there's enough of them down there.

All right, I mean, your coppers might catch a few of them and bung them into

prison. But what good does that do?

Your prison's no hardship for your criminal. It's only the decent, honest

what suffers in prison.

I mean, prison's no more than home for homes, you average criminal.

It's better.

More like a social club for him, it is.

He's been there with all his mates, hasn't he?

Got three square meals a day, snooker, television, no rent to pay.

I mean, most of them ain't got that at home. I ain't got that at home.

I thought you said yours was a respectable street, Mr Garner. I thought

and so it used to be, before you lot started moving any old Tom, Dick or

into it. Look, if you was a bit more particular and come to us...

the decent, honest people in the street and ask us who we want living next door

to us, it might still be a respectable street.

Oh, I see. You would like to establish a vetting committee.

But why not?

Why shouldn't decent, respectable people be able to keep themselves to

themselves and not have to live among thieves and criminals and bloody

I agree with you, Mr Garnet.

But none of us can be altogether sure who our neighbours are. Don't talk to

Missy. You're driving.

Your upper classes, your middle classes, all of them with a few bob.

They know who their neighbours are. At least they know it's someone with a few

bob like themselves.

Not someone who's peeping in through the window, waiting for them to go out so

they can nip in and rob them.

They've got neighbours they can trust.

Not neighbours who are waiting outside to mug them the minute they step foot

outside the front door.

The middle classes get mugged too, Mr Darnett. Not by their neighbours, they

don't.

They've got the bloody muggers living next door to them.

Love thy neighbour, the good Lord Jesus said.

Well, I'll tell you this, Mrs.

He wouldn't have said that, God rest his soul, if he had to live where I have to

live. If he had to live next door to the rubbish I have to live next door to, he

would have said, watch thy neighbours.

Keep an eye on thy neighbours.

Find out who they are and what they're up to before you even pass the time of

day with your neighbours.

Well, you paint a sorry picture of your street, don't you? Yeah, well, your

Picasso and your Van Gogh and the other one, they're too loose.

The little cripple one, loads like him.

You had a hard job to paint a better one, I tell you.

Anyway, we're not putting any Tom, Dick or Harry above you.

Mrs. Hollingbury is a nice, clean, respectable woman. Even you must admit

I ain't said nothing against Mrs. Hollingbury. She's the one who come down

complaining about me.

And you are the one who told her I was a disgusting pig and not fit to live in

the same house with her.

I didn't say that. Oh, I see. So Mrs. Hollingbury's a liar too now, is she?

I haven't seen Mrs. Hollingbury for months. You encourage her to come down

telling tales about me?

I've been very good to that woman, I have.

And what about her next door? Which side?

Both sides.

Ah, well... They have complained about you.

Which side?

Both sides.

The week's as bad as the other, that one.

I mean, always knocking on my wall, that one is.

Which one?

Both of them it comes to that.

As soon as I turn my telly on, knock, knock, knock, bang, bang, bang,

complaining because it's too loud.

Too loud.

I'm lucky the bloody thing works at all.

And that's the crux of it, isn't it? That's what's got up her nose.

Who? Mrs.

Olinbury.

Because I turned off neighbours.

It's my telly, isn't it? She's sitting in my flat.

Complaining because I've turned off my telly. I've got them two witches either

side of me, bang, bang, knocking on the bloody wall, complaining because I've

turned the bloody set on, and she's sitting there screaming blue bloody

as I turn it off.

I mean, it's my telly, isn't it? I think I am entitled to decide which programme

we watch.

I mean, that's asking too much, is it?

No. Don't tell her to come down here complaining about me and asking you to

her a new flat because you've told her that I'm a disgusting pig and not fit to

live in the same house with.

Mrs. Hollingbury has not been down here complaining and I certainly never told

her you were a pig.

Although, I'm not... No, she told me she'd been down here and you said... I

never did.

You just said she sat here in this chair and cried.

Oh, that was a long time ago.

Last time I saw Mrs Hollingbury, she said you were getting along quite well.

Well, she's a liar.

Did you say a long time ago?

Yes.

You mean she ain't been down here today complaining about me?

Well, Mrs Hollingbury hasn't been down here today.

And you never told her that I was a pig and not fit to live with?

No.

Lying bloody bitch.

She told me that you was going to get her a new flat in a better

and move other people in above me more my own sort.

And I can understand your alarm, Mr Garnet. It's all pleasant for you.

I haven't seen her. We haven't told her anything.

Right.

Mr Garnet? What?

You've forgotten your stick.

What are you doing?

That's my telly.

That's what you like, neighbour.

Yes. When I turn it on...

watching that and nobody's bothered to bang.

But as soon as you come in, they start.

You've been watching my telly all afternoon.

Usually my license burning my electric.

I put money in the box.

it no cheaper, my dear, because there's nothing on there to your liking.

I don't get a rebate from the BBC because the programmes ain't to my

Hours and hours of bloody repeats.

Shows that I've paid for over and over again.

I should better claim money back on repeats or anything else I don't watch.

I should have a fork to fill in. Seen that? Seen that? That's rubbish. That's

crap.

I should better claim back on what I don't watch.

Shush! Shush!

Shush! This is my flat, and that is my telly,

and that is my chair you're sitting in.

You're a difficult man to try and get along with. Well, stay upstairs in your

own flat, then. Go on. I can have my own flat soon. Somewhere else. Yeah,

somewhere away from you.

Oh, yeah?

Is that what the lady at the council office has told you, my dear? Yes.

Somewhere smart.

Somewhere I can hold my head up. Yes. Well, you can hold your head up here, my

dear. This end of the street's all right, apart from the next door.

And, uh, when did this council lady tell you you was getting this new flat of

yours, eh?

Soon. Oh, yeah?

Told you that this morning, did she, when you saw her?

Yes.

I should crush yourself, my dear, if I were you.

Eh?

Ace, king, queen, jack, you know?

You're going to tell lies, my dear. It's safer to cross yourself.

It appeases the Lord.

You should know that. You're a Catholic.

I don't tell lies.

I've got more respect for my maker.

Well, let's hope for your sake that your maker wasn't up to council offices for

anything this afternoon.

And I hope what that council lady had to say to me.

What council lady?

Never mind.

Your maker's probably got his little black book out anew already.

Well, he's everywhere according to your religion, isn't he? And if he was at the

council office this afternoon and heard what I heard that lady say to me, you're

in for a lot of Hail Marys, my dear.

And that parish priest of yours will have you on your knees for hours. You

days, probably weeks, and so you bloody will write.

What lady? The lady that you were supposed to have seen.

The lady who was supposed to have told you that I was a disgusting pig and not

fit to live in the same house with. You are a pig. Oh, yeah.

That may be, my dear. But the council lady didn't tell you that I was, did

No. And when you confess all of that to the father, I only have you on your

knees till Christmas!

I'll tell you, it's a bugger, this getting old, Arthur.

I tell people, I say, before you sneer at me, I am your future.

I'm what you've got coming to you.

Never mind looking after yourself. Never mind not smoking, not drinking, doing

your exercises.

Look at me, I tell them.

I'm what's in store for you.

Loneliness and the old age pension.

That's where you're heading.

That wipes a smile off their faces.

Look at this.

Reduced to sipping it now, I am.

I've got to learn to make it last.

I used to be able to down three or four pints of this once just for starters.

Just to sort of sharpen your appetite.

I used to be able to afford to get drunk three or four times a week once,

Arthur. Not any more.

Couldn't even afford to get drunk Christmas this year.

You was drunk last Friday, though, weren't you?

No.

I had a few, I think.

Not drunk, though.

Not what I call drunk, anyway.

You fell over in here.

Well, that's my hip, innit?

But it's artificial hip now, aren't I? I'm still learning to use it. See, it's

bit of a miracle, really, the way I still get about in it, I suppose.

But I won't give in to it after, will I? No.

See, that's why I'm different to the others. That's what her upstairs was

only the other day.

Mrs. Ollenbury? Yeah.

You're a hero with that leg, she said.

You deserve a medal, she said. You sit there, you never complain, never a word

passes your lips about what you must have gone through, she said.

Well, you're all right now, though, aren't you, Alf? I mean, now you've had

operation. Well, I should be. I should be by rights, Alf, but... It's a strange

thing, though. Yeah?

I can still feel that missing bone.

It's the thing people say, you know.

You hear people say that I've lost a leg. You hear them say how they can feel

that missing leg that ain't there all their lives.

But you ain't lost a leg.

I've lost a hip, and that is a part of your leg, isn't it? And I can still feel

that missing hip.

I don't see that, Arthur. I mean, the whole point of the operation was to take

away that hip.

I know that, Arthur, but I can still feel it.

But they gave you a new it. I know that.

But I can still feel the old one.

So you're still in as much pain now as you was before then? Worse, I'd say. So

what was the point of having the operation?

That's what I say.

There's the bloody doctors, isn't it?

Didn't want to be done out of their money, I suppose.

Well, can't blame them. They've got to earn a living, I suppose. Trouble is,

their living half is poking about inside of us.

I don't want to complain, but... I mean...

They've got to practice their medicine, I suppose, but the way my hip feels some

days, the bloke what done it could have done with a lot more practice, if you

ask me.

Oh, that's giving me... That is... God, that's been prying me up so rotten all

day. Oh, dear. Well, I don't want to complain. No, no, no.

As long as some good comes out of it for someone.

See, your surgeon's mistake, Arthur, that kills thousands of people in this

country every year.

But you never hear about their mistakes.

And do you know for why? No.

Because they bury them, that's why.

I mean, why do you think a surgeon wears a mask? Says he can't be identified,

that's why.

Apart from your hip, your fit, Alf.

I mean, that's something, isn't it? Well, I've survived the knives. I

can't complain. I'm fit enough apart from my hip.

I'll tell you something, Alf. A fit is no good to me unless I've got money.

I mean, ill with plenty of money is a bloody sight better than fit without any

at my age.

Don't you value your health?

Well, I value money more.

Better than anything else, that is.

Better than love?

Love?

Love? What good is love to you if you're cold and hungry?

Anyway, you can get all the love you need if you've got money.

You're talking about sex.

I mean, you can buy sex for money. You can't buy love, though. Wrong, Arthur,

wrong.

If you've got money, I guarantee if you're a millionaire, I'll wager you,

have more of your family and all sorts of other people hanging around you,

saying how much they love you, more than you want to put up with, to be honest.

Well, saying they love you, maybe, but really loving you, that's another

Well, saying they love you or really loving you, what's the difference?

As long as they act like they're loving you and making up for you, what's it

matter?

You can never tell if people really love you. You can only go by what they say

or do.

Unless you've got no money.

Unless you're stony, broke and poor as a bleating church mouse like I am.

That's when you can tell whether people really love you or not.

I mean, why do you think I'm so bloody lonely?

So you think that nobody loves you for yourself?

Not what I call love, no.

Of course there is.

Who?

Plenty.

Name one.

Go on.

Don't rush me. Let me think.

My house.

God rest her soul. She loved me.

She thought the world of me. She did.

I was her world.

Mrs. Ollenbury.

Mrs. Ollenbury?

Well, you could be in for a big surprise there.

I could?

Yeah, I mean, you play your cards right with her. You'd be on a good thing then.

Yeah, well, I'm pleasant enough, Arthur.

Trouble is, with women, I mean, you know, you pay them too much attention

you know where you are, they're in love with you.

They're too keen on us, that's their trouble.

You could do a lot worse than her, you know. Oh, yeah, I could have a lot worse

than her living up above me.

I mean, she does keep herself to herself a bit, doesn't she? Oh, yeah.

And she's not constantly throwing herself at you, is she? No, not the way

might. No, she'll be grateful for that.

No, she's all right.

Bit thick, though.

You can't blame her for that, though, can you? No, no, you're right there,

Harvey, you're right there. I mean, you can't expect her to be any brighter than

she was born to be, eh?

She does her best, though. Yeah, but, you know, if it ain't there, it ain't

there, is it?

Well, that's right, yeah.

I mean, can't expect the Lord to waste a good brain on the likes of her, can

you?

He knew what he wanted her for.

Housewife. Right.

The way of man.

Right, and I mean, you know, she's in pretty good nick, I mean, for her age.

She's a bit younger than you, isn't she?

Oh, yeah.

She's got a few years left in her, all right.

Well, that's not to be sneezed at, you know, because you ain't getting any

younger. And if that hip of yours gets worse, I mean, she'll have the strength

to push you about in a wheelchair, won't she?

That can be very useful.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Yeah, she needs a man to take her over.

Find a use for her.

Give her a function.

Of course.

There's always the else.

The else?

Yeah, I mean, forget in love for the minute and think about financial gain.

you're saying how hard up you are, and I've told you before, you don't have to

love a woman to marry her. You take your upper classes, the aristocracy.

I mean, they don't just marry for love, for position, joining their dynasties,

putting two fortunes together.

You marry Mrs. Olinbury and you'll be doing the same thing, using your loaf,

putting two pensions together.

I mean, you're sitting on a small fortune in that house over there.

Fortune? The house.

You marry Mrs. Olinbury, and you not only put two pensions together, but

of two flats, you've got a whole house.

And with this loony left council we've got here, you could buy that house for

,000. And that house is worth 120 ,000.

That's 50 ,000 each.

Or, or, you handle her right.

That's a hundred thousand for you. A hundred thousand pound and a wife that's

willing and able.

She'd be willing, all right.

A hundred thousand pounds.

Aye, Mr Garnet.

You're looking cheerful.

Looks as if you've come into money.

The old black economy going well, is it? Don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, come on, Mr Garnett, you must be one of the richest men around here, all

them black lads living with you. Hey, you must be coining it in rent.

Look, I don't blame him. Look, I don't charge rent.

Oh, come on, Mr Garnett.

All them black boys living in your house, you ain't charging them rent, eh?

Well, there's got to be some attraction in it.

Have you gone a bit, you know?

No,

I ain't.

That black boy Winston you live with, he's definitely a... He don't live with

no more, Winston.

I've got his cousin Pelly living in. He's not a bookter. All right, don't get

wrong. Live and let live, that's what I say. As long as you're all consenting

adults. Look, it's got nothing to do with that, and I don't charge him rent.

mean, it's not a crime these days, is it?

Look, I've took him in out of goodness of my heart.

But it does lower the tone of a respectable street, and that's not nice,

Also, it lowers property prices. Where do you want to sell?

And that's even worse for us who've got money tied up in our houses. You know?

Might be worth about £120 ,000, probably like that, if we could stop their...

Puffs!

£100 ,000?

Hoo -hoo!

£100 ,000!

God's truth!

Yeah. I was just watching your telly. That's all right.

Oh, I'm in your chair.

No, no, no, it's all right. You sit here.

I bought some fish and chips.

It's only the one piece of cod.

It's the other bit is placed.

Oh.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

It's only the one piece of cob, but the place is nice.

I'll get complaint.

Which bit would you like?

Oh, I don't mind.

Yeah, I bought a Guinness for you, too.

You like a Guinness?

Oh, thank you.

Right.

Do you like plain or cod?

No, you.

No. You choose.

No, you have what you want.

No. You.

You have what you want.

No, you do.

No.

You.

Well, I tell you what. What? We both have a piece of each.

All right. Yes.

Let the prof go down, eh?

I didn't go down the council office this morning, you know.

I was telling fib.

And the woman there didn't say what I said she did.

And she's not even getting me another flat.

and I'm not even looking for one.

I'm happy here.

Ooh!

Bit more cosy, eh?

That's nice.

Yeah, well, I thought, you know...

Bit cosy, eh?

It's very romantic.

You're a very good elf.

You still burning my electric in here?

What's this thing?

New Economy Drive?

It's you here. Who had he gone?

Who? You're Winston.

That ain't Winston.

It's his cousin, Pelly.

Are you sure?

Can't you tell the difference?

I haven't got my glasses.

She can't tell the difference between you.

I don't want to tell the difference between them, thank you.

Anyway, I'm sorry if I disturbed anything.

Eh?

Well, if I spoilt anything that was going on, you know.

No, I don't know.

I think it's wonderful.

Marvellous. You enjoy yourselves.

I will have to move.

No!

Stop that in there!

That's what I'll do But richer or poorer I'm bloody poorer That's a fact