Original subtitles

Now, my old darling, they've laid her down to rest, and now I'm missing her

all we are.

But they don't give a monkey's down at the age of six, and they're calling I'll

be pension for a star.

No, it won't be very long before I'm tired of time, because I'll probably

to death, that's what I'll do.

But richer or poorer, I'm bloody poor, that's a fact, just because in sickness

and in health hospital too.

Bloody hell, Emmett.

Should have thought you'd be used to the heat.

Why?

Well, where you come from.

I told you umpteen times I was born here.

Where your genes come from, I'm talking about.

Marks and Sparks.

No.

You know what I mean.

Funny cuts.

Your past, your roots.

Oh, I'd love to know your roots.

Mongrel.

What?

Oh.

Oh, it's hot, isn't it? Another part you heard from, isn't it?

Marvellous, ain't it?

Few hot days, everybody's moaning.

You wait till winter, you'll be looking back on this bit of weather wishing we

still had it.

I won't. You will?

No, I don't like to eat.

What, prefer to sit and freeze, do you?

Prefer to sit there with an icy cold wind blowing through the house, too cold

shiver even?

If you was any kind of man at all, block up some of the holes it whistles

through. Can't yet, can we?

We need them holes this weather, a bit of air conditioning.

Call the house down a bit.

That's the trouble with this country.

It's either too hot or too cold. There's no happy medium, is there?

Oh, Gordon Bennett is bloody hot, though, isn't he?

Who wants to see all that?

Oh, Rach.

She was at communion last Sunday, too.

I don't know what you've got your shirt all for. You won't get no browner.

I'm not trying to get any browner. I'm trying to cool off.

I'm brown enough.

A bit too brown for some people's liking.

It's not a colour that does you any favours, is it?

Shall I tell you a few good things about this colour, shall I?

Are you sitting comfortably? Get over me.

If you're shy, it hides your blushes.

If you drink too much, it hides your blotches.

If you get really frightened, you don't go white with fear.

You're the first of a sunshine.

I don't have to go rushing out into it to try and get brown.

Because I am brown all the year, right?

Even in winter, when you pinky people is looking very white and pale, I am still

this beautiful, gorgeous brown.

Black.

Brown. This is brown.

Them holes in your face full of dirt, now that's black.

Blackheads.

And your fingernails, see? Black.

Your teeth, except for the ones that are other colours, black.

My teeth, they're my own.

If they was mine, I'd have them all out.

Nothing wrong with them. I can pull corks out of bottles with them. Bueno.

If you had a white one, you would have a snooker set.

Look, I am happy with my colour.

There's people who spend hundreds of pounds and work hard to get my colour.

It's just a bit difficult when you try and find somewhere to live.

You've got somewhere to live.

Look,

if you're not happy in Marigold... I didn't say I wasn't happy.

Be careful you don't burn out here, huh?

It's a pity you don't grow some flowers out here.

What flowers do you want to grow out here?

Well, anything would be better than them few stinging nettles and dock leaves

you've got growing over there.

I've got... Look, they're yours just as much as mine.

Oh, thank you.

Disgusting, this backyard.

Nobody's forcing you to stand out here.

If either of you was a gentleman, I wouldn't have to.

Sorry, Mrs Olingbury.

Have a seat.

No, thank you. No, no. I wouldn't trust myself.

Looks as rotten and decrepit as everything else out here.

Get off.

Get off!

See you brought the flies out here with you.

Well, it's you they're settling on.

No.

I wasn't here before you come out here.

At least we're our own flies.

What are you talking about, our own... own flies.

Doesn't matter whose flies they are, do it. Well, if they're our own flies, I

mean, at least we know where they've been, don't we? Silly great puddin'.

ain't like mice.

You can have your own mice, you can't have your own flies.

Well, the mice are not ours anyway. Well, that's not the point, is it? No,

they've come in from next door. Well, they must be bloody dark, because I

got nothing for them.

Passing through on the way to the corner shop, I should think.

Oh, dear, oh, Lord, it is hot.

You'd think they'd find some way of conserving some of this heat, wouldn't

I mean, nature... Nature's not all that marvellous, is it? I mean, it's too cold

in the winter, too hot in the summer.

If nature was that clever, it'd spread it out a bit.

Well, if God was to use a bit more common sense.

If you've got to go down at the age of six, you want to get out the thumb.

Look, never you mind about that. You go over the road and make sure Arthur's got

the beer. Go on.

Yeah, you're in a party.

No, we're going to watch the cricket.

You see, we can watch it out here because I'm going to set up an

You get yourself too brown and the director says you'll think you're just

from your holidays in the south of France.

You want to get more money out of them. You want to look all white and drawn and

thickly. You don't.

They might think I'm a migrant just off the boat.

Then I'll have no trouble getting money out of them, will I?

Are they laying?

No, nothing again.

I can't understand it.

It's been going on like this for weeks now.

They make like they're laying, but there's nothing there.

I've changed their diet.

I can't understand it. They was good layers.

Right, well, I'll be off.

That's the stoker, that one.

Filthy dump this is, isn't it?

Oh, a touch of paint wouldn't hurt, would it?

Well, you don't know who's been sitting on these seats, do you?

Ah, dear.

I don't know why I don't paint the place up a bit.

Paintbrushes with a gyro, eh?

But I've got enough unemployed painters, eh?

I've got enough unemployed everything.

Look, don't start on me, missy.

Enough problems of me own.

Hey, you going to be long?

Take a seat.

Look, I'm not unemployed. I ain't come here begging.

Take a seat. What, you want to go slow again, are you, sonny?

Take a seat. Take a...

You've got a cheek to go and strike for more money, that lot. It's the

government. Don't talk to me about it.

Could be a new government by the time they get around to serving us.

Hey, can you get lunch here?

Could do with a bed here, the speed they work at.

I mean, if they can't attend to you, they shouldn't invite you up here. I'm a

busy man.

pinch in them. I've got things to do.

Mr. Garnet?

Ready for me, are you?

Just going to borrow some paper and pencil and write home.

Take a seat.

Take a seat.

I wouldn't be here if you didn't, would I?

Refreshing my memory? Not to do with a bit of refreshment. It's a bloody long

walk up here in this heat, I tell you.

Well, with a bit of luck, this shouldn't take too long and you can be away

before the pub's shut.

Stay shut for what a good I get out of the money you give me.

You're querying the five pounds extra the government allowed for heat last

winter? That's correct.

But you've received that five pounds.

Not what I'm entitled to, eh?

Yes, you have.

No, let me explain.

There is no explaining to do. Yes, there is.

Receive the five pounds.

Not the five pounds I am talking about.

What five pounds are you talking about?

The extra that I think I'm entitled to for living on the end of a terrace.

If you live in the middle of a terrace, you are warmer than those who live on

the end of it, right?

I'm not quite with you. People who live in the middle of a terrace are warmer

because they can gain up... to 1 .5 centigrade of heat from the neighbours

live on either side of them.

Plus another 1 .5 centigrade or more from the neighbours who live beneath

I mean, don't have to be Einstein to work that one out, do you?

If you live upstairs, you are a woman and the people who live downstairs.

Because heat rises and spreads itself out.

So, those who live downstairs...

on the end of a terrace, should be given more severe weather allowance than the

others.

But it's obvious, isn't it?

So it follows that the more fuel that downstairs burns, the more benefit in

additional heat upstairs receives and next door. So it's not unreasonable to

that upstairs and next door should contribute to the cost of the extra heat

are benefiting...

From the unlucky sod who lives downstairs.

He must have done all that extra fuel just to keep himself warm.

And that's you? That is me, right, and it ain't fair.

Well, hmm.

You have a point, of course.

Point, point. But I'm not sure what view the authorities will take of it. Sod

the authorities.

I'll make a note and... File it away from me.

Have you tried lagging?

Lagging? How do you think I'm going to lag? I mean...

How do you expect her upstairs to let me lay lots of lagging foot all over her

floor, eh? And another thing.

This pamphlet of yours.

Warmth in winter.

Perfect.

How to keep warm in winter?

Hot water bottles.

And who's going to pay for the gas to hot the water that they put in them

bottles, eh?

What about this? What about this?

Keep a well -stocked store cupboard.

all poor gays, you know.

Yeah, look, look, have plenty of hot, hot meals and hot drinks, hot this, hot

that. It's all hot, isn't it? Hot, hot.

Hot costs money, my dear. Hot is expensive, hot is.

Who writes this bloody rubbish, eh?

Got the medical council on now about, on about overeating, the dangers of

overeating. And for your information, that is overeating without an H.

Self -warnings. Self -warnings on smoking and drink abuse.

The dangers of drinking and driving. Oh, dear.

Stick to a sensible, balanced diet with plenty of fresh fruit, vegetables and

fibres to avoid heart attacks.

I mean, how can I afford to stick to a diet like that on old age pension, eh?

They don't think I'm going to get the money for a bowl of fresh fruit and

veggies and everything they want me to eat. Hey, well, you tell them to stop

worrying, my dear, because I can't afford to eat or do anything that's

to my health.

I can't afford to get up in the morning. I can't.

I can't afford to smoke or drink properly. I ain't got a car, so I can't

to drive sober, let alone drunk.

I'll probably live forever, I will, because I can't afford to do anything

bad for me.

What the bloody hell are they saving us for? They don't want us. Do they? I

mean, you live to enjoy your old age pension, then you lot try and starve us

freeze us to death.

I tell you something, the punishment for living too long is to become an old age

pensioner. It'll happen to you, don't you worry. You'll see, your turn will

come.

You're well on the way now.

Thank you.

Oh, no offence, mate, I was just speaking in my inner soul. Look, you

help me?

You got any Christian feeling left in you?

Well, some of you do. I admit that. You're not all as hard -faced as you

You want to... You want to help me?

Let me do a bit of wheelchair pushing.

Wheelchair pushing?

Yeah, I've done the knowledge.

You know that.

I've pushed my wife around, God rest her soul, for years. You know that.

I know this area like the back of my hand. I can push them anywhere, anywhere

they want to go.

West Ham, up the pub, anywhere. Are you... Are you volunteering for social

activity? I'm not volunteering for nothing, missus. I was in the army.

One thing you learn there is you don't volunteer unless you're ordered. No, I

talking about earning a few bob.

You aren't paying.

Well, blimey, you get paid for doing this, don't you?

You get paid.

You're too old, Mr Garnett, to be employed at social work. Thank you,

That is charming, that is. I mean, you can see how your bureaucratic mind

don't you?

I'm too old to get paid for it, but I'm not too old to do it for nothing, am I?

I'm sorry, Mr Garnett. All right, well, on your own head be it, Mrs Wood. I'll

tell you something, it'll be a bloody sight cheaper for you to keep me alive

this winter than bury me.

Because I ain't got no money.

And you'll have to provide the trappings to put me under the ground.

I've paid for my last funeral and what I had the wife put down. Now, I don't

give a monkey's.

You want me under the ground? You pay for the bloody hole.

I'll tell you, sonny, if I go this winter, I'm going to buy a bloody great

stamp, stick it on me forehead and get myself delivered here.

Can't you watch the cricket in your house then?

No.

My missus hates all sport.

But you're the man in the house, though.

She doesn't like me in the house.

She never has done.

Before I retired, when I used to come home from work, she used to allow me an

hour to have my supper.

Then she'd start getting edgy.

Ain't you going out?

All other men go out, she'd say. They sit in the pub.

Why can't you?

Then you won't have any children.

I was never in the house long enough.

Now I'm retired, I'll sit in a room and she says, how long are you going to be

sitting in that room?

I'll go to move. She said, don't go in that room, I just cleaned it.

She's never happy till I leave the house.

See, when I was working, it was different when I was working. I had

go, you see, I was out all day.

Now I go in the park or the pub or the library.

It's not so bad when the weather's fine.

But what do you do at night?

I mean, after the pub's closed, you must go home at night.

Oh, she's not too bad then.

As long as she knows there's nowhere else I can go.

She puts up with it.

Don't you ever think about divorce?

No.

Never no need, really.

Well, see, in a way, we... Well...

We were suited.

Hardly ever a crossword.

Well, not from me.

Never hardly meet.

Just as well, I suppose.

She's a good woman.

A bit hard to get on with, I would say.

But, you know, I mean, if I had to criticise... Oh, God, there's another

out! It's Jolly Fight Cricket! Jolly Fight Cricket!

It's a very fine sight the Pakistanis have. And Imran Khan.

Oh, he's a prince among cricketers.

Where is Mr. Garnet? He should be here to see this.

Yeah, he'd be well pleased.

He likes cricket and football.

Yeah, he enjoyed the Falklands too.

This is very fine cricket.

He would like this. It's a shame he is not here.

Does he know that you're here?

It will be a surprise.

Mrs. Hollingberry invited me. She said, come and watch cricket. We have

television in backyard and some very good beer.

I do not drink beer. I am teetotaler. But I enjoy British custom.

Oh, oh, another one out. Another one out.

Oh, Mr.

Garnett is missing the verified cricket.

Watch this, the League of Nations.

silly. Mrs. Harlingberry.

Oi, Sabu. Mr. Garnett, I brought you some of your favourite tobacco for being

most kind to allow me to watch such very good cricket.

Oh.

Well, aren't you going to say thank you?

Yeah, well, thank you.

This is a very fine game, Mr. Garnett.

It's a pity your team is playing like, what do you say, Marigold?

Like a load of wallies.

But never mind.

They're losing in English style.

Very graciously.

Oh, oh, another one out.

Oh, oh, oh. This is very good cricket.

Cricket. Nothing else is on.

Cricket. A terrible game.

Football. Why is there no football?

If it was football, we would beat them.

Why is it not football?

Oh, inviting.

Nobody. We just walked in and sat down.

Both of them is telling him. Go on, whacking one.

Go on.

Go on, you clown. Bloody coons.

I mean, that's not cricket, is it? I mean, if you can't win fair.

We will win fair. We are winning fair. Not that.

Cheating, not that.

Imran Khan is not a cheat.

Yeah, well, it's the game that's the important thing, isn't it? Not who wins.

Play the game. That's the British way. That's the Pakistani way, too. We are

playing the game.

Better than us, that's all.

Us?

Us? Where did you get the us from all of a sudden?

Eh? We beat your lot here in Australia, mate.

That is my lot getting whacked by the Pakistanis. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? And who

was you shouting for when we played the West Indies? Who was your lot then, eh?

Answer me that. Go on.

I felt very deeply for England's loss. But I am a sportsman. I must

applaud superior cricket.

You're a bloody turncoat, that's what you are. Get out of my chair.

Here it is, Mr Cattell. Oi, here. He wants to know if you sell eggs.

Oh, no, I do not. I do not sell eggs.

Oh, well, I'll have to go up the high street then.

I mean, my wife, she loves her eggs and me chickens are not laying.

I mean, when they was laying, we had all the eggs we want.

I'm a bit out of touch where to get them.

Fresh eggs, I mean.

Ask Mr Garney.

He gets lovely eggs, he does.

I want to watch cricket. Eggs are not good for you. Eggs is too much

cholesterol. Your wife should try to live without eggs.

I do not sell eggs. But if you want to buy eggs, I will sell eggs.

Chickens are better.

I do not sell chickens.

I've got chickens.

So kill the chickens and make soup.

Chickens make better soup than eggs. You know, in the old country, my mother's

sister, my auntie, she had two chickens.

One got sick.

So she killed the other one, she made soup, she fed it to the sick one. In no

time, it was running around like a two -year -old.

A good chicken soup is health -giving.

He's sound, though.

I wonder what he's dreaming of.

Well, it's a happy dream.

Yeah.

He'll be off somewhere enjoying himself.

And a dramatic moment here at Lord's. We've found a really remarkable batsman.

don't know where they got him. They've tried anything.

They've tried speed.

They've tried team, spin.

He just needs ten now to make 400 runs, individual runs.

And there it is. He's going through extra cover. And that's going to be

Yes, it's magnificent. Four extra covers. The crowd's standing up to him.

actually feeling a bit nervous. Let's go into the garden there.

We've only got one pair. We've got one in the pavilion.

But he's looking very calm to see six for 400 individual runs. And there's the

bowler, Jack's a very fast bowler. Will he try and stop this 400?

394 now. And here he comes in now. And this is it. It's a six, isn't it going

be? Yes, the six up into the corner of the grandstand. And he has made 400 runs

here that he's never achieved before, George.

Acknowledging the tears of the crowd, not only for the hair and the process,

what a magnificent trickster this man is.

And so modern. And lovely.

Look,

I had a phone call, see, from Lords, from the MCC. Mr Garnett said, Alf, they

said, can you help us?

We want our revenge on the Coons.

The West Indies, they beat us 5 -0.

And now the Pakistanis have done us by an innings. Can you help? I said, hold

on. I said, I'll hold me back.

I'll get me pads.

I'll get a taxi. I'm straight down to Lords.

I'm opening the baton for England.

I scorn the use of a protective helmet in a box. First ball.

In the car and he comes thundering in.

Bang. Wallop. Eight.

Six. They said, come on. They said, it's worth more than six out of that. Next

ball.

Wallop. Out of the bleeding ground. They go mad. The crowd. All the coons are

yelling. Go home, you bald -headed donkey.

You should have seen a bugger scat.

There's eight curry shops. Couldn't open that night.

I said, you gullywogs, let's have you. Come on.

Let's have your fast bowlers. This is Alfie Garnier, not Fat Gats, bloody both

of them. Come on.

They said, I ate 48 off the first over.

I was at 179 not out for lunch.

I said, never mind about lunch. I said, I'll back right through. Come on, let's

have it.

No, no, they said, no, no. We've got to take lunch. We've got to take lunch.

They soon pick up our waves, don't they?

I go in the pavilion.

There's, oh, magic, a queen stood there, Duchess.

She's got tears in her eyes.

Sir Alfred, she said.

Sir, I said, it's in the post, she said. Sir Alfred, she said.

We want you to take over the captaincy of England.

Bobby Robson walks in. He says, you can't have him, Mum. We want him for the

England football team.

I accept your resignation, she says. It's about time we had someone decent in

charge of our football.

I left him arguing a toss. I go out, I'm opening a bowl in for England. First

ball, first ball, Gordon Greenwich.

Brave man for a darkie. He comes on to the front.

He attempts a cover drive. Bang!

I broke his back.

I left him holding the handle.

Oh, he says, look what you've done to my back.

I said, have a look behind you, Sambo, see what I've done to your bleeding

stumps.

Next ball, Desmond Haynes. What a LBW. You won't forget that day, Harry. I

his legs with a bleeding pants.

I put an end to his limbo dancing, wouldn't I?

Next ball, Viv Richards, West Indies captain. He stood there. He seen me come

charging in. I tell you, he's trembling like a leaf.

Each time, white with tarot, yes.

Well, white as a kumkanto.

I'm on the hat trick, I'm on the hat trick.

You know, all the girls are there, they're all going mad, yelling, Alfie,

we want Alfie. They're all there, Rucka Walsh, Myrna Lloyd, Joan Collins.

Oh, God.

It's the old war wound, Your Majesty.

I could state a tea.

I'd like to state a tea, yeah.

Will Phillip be there.

I like his manner. He's a man after me own heart, that is.

And young Andrew.

Chip off the old block, that one.

Shame about young Edward, though, innit?

Never mind, eh?

Every family's got one, innit?

I would like another drink.

You'll get me tiddly.

Wake up, Mr. Garnett.

Here's the...