Original subtitles

Now, my old darling, they've laid her down to rest. And now I'm missing her

all we are.

But they don't give a monkey's down at the age, is it?

And they've gone and I'll be pensioned for a star.

No, it won't be very long before I'm by her side.

But I'll probably starve to death, that's what I'll do.

But richer or poorer, I'm bloody poor, that's a fact. Just because it's

thickness doesn't help us at all, do.

No, it's all right, mate.

No, it's no hurry. I'm not in a cool box.

So I don't have to worry about being cut off.

No, I'm using Mr Cattell's phone.

Yeah, in his shop.

No, he don't mind.

You don't mind, do you? Of course you don't. No, he don't mind.

He's a good little John John, isn't he?

He is.

That's it.

He is. He is a very nice man, I'll tell him.

It's right as she says you are a very nice man.

Do you want to talk to her?

No, I'm busy.

And I'm expecting phone call. Please hurry, huh?

Yeah, all right. So, how much have I spent?

Two -forty. How much is that?

Two pounds, forty pence. I know that.

What, you think I can't count? You think 75 years old, I can't count yet? What,

am I dumb?

How much have I bought?

That's all?

I spent two pounds, forty. That's all I got?

The old money went further, and these tomatoes, you are selling them too dear.

It's the price I have to pay.

Tomatoes shouldn't be so dear.

These are English.

Cheaper would be better.

I've got to stand up, darling.

Yeah, would be better if I had a chair, yeah.

She thinks I ought to have a chair, you know, sit down.

Got this leg, you see.

She worries.

I'm waiting new phone.

I thought you said there was phone in you.

Yes, I'm waiting.

I'm expecting important phone call.

This is business phone. People phone me. They make big mail orders.

Do you sell... I don't sell. He sells.

If I sold, I would sell better than him.

Do you sell... What do I want?

I don't know. Write it down. You should write it down. Yes, you do. You know,

it's one of them... Whatchamacallit. They're letting them live too long.

What does she think I am, Paul Daniels? I bet you wish you had his money, eh?

You, Paul, hurry up. Yeah, all right, all right.

Shoot!

No, not you.

Will you hurry up?

Look, I can't think straight if you're both going to talk at once.

Oh, well, I'll ask him.

Do you want to know if I can ring her back later?

No, no.

No, it might be a bit awkward.

Well, um, what time do you shut?

No, when I shut, I go home.

Yeah. No, it's going to be a bit difficult, I think.

Well, can't... What time they serve dinner there, then?

Look, can't you ask them to put in the oven for you?

What sort of a bloody hotel is that?

Look, I took a shower to phone you, didn't I?

You what?

I'm eating a sweet.

No. I can't use the pub phone. He won't let me.

Well, I don't know why.

Ask him.

Anyway, no worries. Not shutting for half hour yet. What time do you shut?

Now. Now.

What time do you open in the morning? She wants to know if I can ring her back

tomorrow. No, no.

This phone costs money.

It's only me daughter.

Look, will you please go?

This chain is good.

Yes. Doesn't smell so good.

It's good.

It could get me a phone, couldn't it? Get me a phone put on.

I shouldn't have to stand up in shops and call boxes a man of my age. Fine,

-in -law.

Yes. This sausage is good.

Yes. Doesn't smell so good.

It's good sausage.

Is it kosher?

It's a sausage.

I have a religion.

I have a religion. And you sell sausage like this?

How much?

That piece?

You got another piece?

You have handled that piece.

It's been handled?

No, not if it's been handled.

My father was right.

I should have stayed in Pakistan.

You should have all stayed in Pakistan.

Fathers are always right. I should know. Who should know better? I am a father.

You're from Pakistan? Yes.

You know what gives you away?

I've nothing to hate.

Fine, son -in -law, he's going to turn out, but he can't even get me a bloody

phone put on.

I'm not complaining, my dear, but already you don't sound much better than

other one, the Skarsgård.

Perhaps you do. Perhaps you do love him, but it don't sound like I'm going to

get much out of it, does it?

You what?

Sure money, get off that. He's a bloody doctor. They're rolling in it.

Mr. Williams was here. He had a chair.

I used to sit in it and talk to him for hours, but you have no chair.

I have no chair.

If you don't mind my saying, and I'm older than you, this is today's. Yes,

they're all fresh today.

If you don't... It looks a bit like yesterday's.

You should have a chair.

This is motley life.

You know what?

All right, shut up. I won't say nothing.

No.

No, I'm just your father. That's all I've done now. I'll stay silent. No.

Look, I am not trying to ruin your honeymoon.

Honeymoon. Sounds more like a dirty weekend to me.

We're not married to him, are you?

All right, all right, all right. Don't involve me, that's all. You want to ruin

your life again, my dear? You go ahead and do it.

Do it, do it!

I can't see why you can't be happy just living with me.

I won't have it now.

What was that, madam?

What I come in for.

I don't want it. I've changed my mind.

When Mr. Williams was here, this place was a picture, a picture. You could eat

off the floor.

Now it's gone off. Since it changed hands, it's gone off.

Why did they make these changes?

That's not Mr. Williams.

No, he's from India.

Look closer. You can spot them. You can spot them.

No, it's not Mr.

Williams. And I am not from India. Excuse me. I think you will find that

are. I am from Pakistan.

So make me out the liar for words. What's the difference?

You play cricket?

No. Well, there you are.

When you coming home then?

Well, you've been gone two days already.

Where you for me?

I told you, it's my daughter, Rita.

No, no, no, not who.

Where? Where?

Spain. Where?

Spain. Spain?

Spain?

But, but, but, but, you've been on that thing for half an hour?

Well, it's not my fault I had to go and get off the beach, is it?

guys. Dad, I'm not your dad yet.

Well, for your age, what do you mean for my age?

You're very fit for your age, and I can't find anything wrong with that leg,

except to cause that old trouble.

Oh, in his mind, Doctor. Not in my mind, miss. It's in my trouser leg, isn't it?

There's nothing wrong with my leg. Why is it every time I... Oh! Oh!

You'll always have that trouble unless you get your hip done.

But you bloody butchers not likely.

Give me notice, Doctor.

Oh, you've got a lovely plan, Doctor. Did you get that in Spain?

Yeah, I thought you were one of Marigold's friends when you knocked on

Is it all over?

Well, I mean, you are brown.

Then some people go browner than others. There's something in their...

Touch of the tar brush, you ask me.

Always tell a true white man he turns pink in the sun.

Well, I'll be off now.

Are you happy with the phone?

Oh, yes. Have you used it yet?

Rita said to get you a cordless one. It's more portable.

If either of you were thick or anything, you could take it into the bedroom.

Yes, well, I'll just write the number down.

Write it down. Why?

I want to send it to my sister.

That's my telephone.

Rita said that Mrs. Hollingbury should use it too. Oh, that's right. Yeah, and

every old Tom, Dick and Harry use it. Here, here.

Oh, not every old Tom, Dick and Harry. It's the thin end of the wedge, and it's

what you are. Not so thin, neither.

Well, if I don't watch it, I'll have the whole street in here using that.

People know you've got a telephone to take advantage.

Will my name be in the book? No, it won't. Mine will. I'm not talking to

Can I have my name in the book? No, you can't. The only person who's allowed to

have their name in a book is a person who's in charge of the phone, and that

me. I will be the person officially designated in charge of that telephone,

you. I'll live here too.

That's not the point. So you might, my dear.

Don't cut no eyes for them, you British telecom. Don't want to know about all

the people living in the house. All they want to know about is who... Who is in

charge of that telephone?

Viz, who is the person they do business with? They want to know who the person

will be officially designated in charge of that telephone, and that's me.

Well, you're not in charge of this house. I am in charge of that phone, and

will give orders as to who can use it and who can't use it for their own

personal private phone calls.

You won't be giving me orders.

I will as far as that telephone is concerned.

I shall use it when I want to. Not when I'm using it, you won't.

I should make all my own personal and private phone calls when I'm using it.

Yes, and you can answer all your own personal and private phone calls too

because I ain't going to answer the bleating phone for you. I'm not running

and down those stairs for you.

She'll ruin my legs, she will, what's left of it. No!

If I'm there, you can answer the bloody thing yourself. I'm not answering it for

you. I won't take no messages for you.

No, and I won't take none for you either.

Oh, don't worry. Listen, I'm going to let it ring an old. One of you had

answer it. Well, let her. She's the one doing all the shouting about it. Yeah,

I'll answer it. I'll answer it. Put my name in the book and move it upstairs.

No! My name goes in the book and that phone stays down here for crying out

It's my daughter. Put that phone in with her idea.

My daughter. I am her father.

You are her husband. Well, you're going to be, worse luck.

You, you are my father -in -law. No, you are my father -in -law. Don't tell me

what I am!

I'll tell you what you are.

God's truth.

You're paying, French, you, eh?

What were you buying it for, her or me? She's not even in a relation.

That phone was put in for me in case of emergency, in case I get took ill.

We let her look after her own bloody emergencies.

I mean, I am the one Rita worries about. I am the one Rita loves and cares for.

Not her.

I mean, if anything happens to her, well, it's hard luck, isn't it?

We'd all feel a bit sorry and might shed a tear or two. It wouldn't be the end

of our world, would it? I mean, we'd get over it, and soon, I'd hope.

Take the phone out!

Take it! I don't want it!

I don't want to share a phone with him! You don't have to share nothing with me,

missy! You stay up in your own half of the house, and I wouldn't have to see

even if I do knock you out!

Let me out of here!

Press the talk button and pull up the aerial. See, she don't even know how to

use it. Give us a ear. No, I'll do it!

Well, you see, you let them use it, they take advantage.

It's for you.

Hello?

Hello?

There's nobody there.

It was Rita.

Rita! Rita!

Where's she gone?

She was in the telephone kiosk. Her money ran out.

You!

Oh, Christ.

Oh, who that is?

Some people, they just wait till they get in the bar.

Everything isn't wrong.

Am I getting through?

Are you receiving me?

Can you hear me?

Over. Of course I can bloody hear you.

The lady rang just now.

Yeah, I was in Murray Road.

Murray.

Well, you come out of your door, turn left, take the first right.

Oh, you know it.

Well, I was in Murray Road, but you wasn't answering, so I have come a bit

nearer. in case you can't hear me. You can hear me all right now. Can you?

Yes!

No need to shout.

You're coming through loud and clear.

I'm just testing the range, see?

Well, I'm going back to Murray Road, and what I want you to do, I want you to

tell...

Turn in the corner, Mary had a little lamb.

His fleece was... It's my new

cordless telephone, see?

No wires, nothing.

Amazing, isn't it?

Have a talk on it if you like.

There's some on the other end.

Hold on.

There's a lady here.

Hello?

Hello?

Must be out of range.

I'll, uh, I'll try my friend Arthur.

No.

Phone.

Dorothy.

Telephone.

Dorothy, where are you?

Telephone.

Oh, Christ, Arthur. I was on the left.

Oh, sorry.

Arthur, I am testing out my new cordless telephone.

I'm in Murray Road.

Murray.

Will you come out of your... I mean, it's left out of Johnson, so... You turn

right... It's the first... Murray.

Oh, you know it? Yeah. Well, I'm in Murray Road, talking to you.

Yeah.

There's a lady who would like to say hello.

Well, she's never spoke when I called this telephone before. Just say, just

hello.

Go on, say something.

Hello?

Well, hold it. Go on, it won't bite you.

Hello, can you hear me?

My name is Daphne Rowbottom.

Look. No, no, just a minute.

Who's that?

No one.

No one.

It's Arthur.

It's Alf, that's all. Oh, is it? Well, I don't want any phone in here. Give me

that.

It's a woman.

Who is she?

Who is she?

Who are you?

Speak up. I know you're there.

It's Alf. Shut up, you. I'll deal with you later.

Who are you?

I don't care who you are.

If I catch you with my husband, Arthur, stay here.

I'm not done with you.

This is Mr. Alfred Garnett, number 8, Maitland Terrace, Newham.

Number 8.

I've just told you, number 8, number 8!

Oh, the phone number. Yeah.

This 01, yes, I know it's London, but I don't know if you know it's London, do

I?

01, hold on.

471 -1290.

You should know. You put the bloody thing in, didn't you?

What is my problem? I'll tell you my problem, my dear.

It's her upstairs.

That's my bloody problem, isn't it? Look, I've just joined you a lot, see?

Oh, for crying out loud. I've told the other girl all of this.

All right, I'll tell you.

I said, I will tell you.

Are you English?

Stanley and I bought this phone for me for my exclusive use, right? And that

bloody thing upstairs.

It's him again, Mabel.

Oh, no.

I just hung up on him. He wants the supervisor.

I'll talk to him.

Hello, supervisor.

Hello, operator.

Just a moment.

He wants to report me to my superior.

Look, he wants us to tell the lady upstairs that his phone is his own

and personal property and that she can't use it at all.

You've talked it out.

Hello, can I help you, sir?

Hello, operator.

What have you done to him?

Can I help you? Just a moment, sir. What number would you like?

Just a moment, I'll transfer you. Can I put you on hold?

Hello, operator, what is your difficulty, sir? Hello, operator.

keep till I get back.

and so dirty.

Don't tell me.

The washing powder hasn't been invented yet to get rid of your stain.

Take him down the laundry.

I beg your pardon.

Between taking these down the laundry, sit there and watch these go wrong in

machine.

I'm very sorry, darling, but I would be too ashamed if you was to get knocked

down by a bus. I don't know what they'd think.

I'll tell you, that's all.

He sleeps in them. How do you know?

Why don't you buy yourself some pyjamas, hmm? I need a new pair of underpants.

I've got better things to do with my pension than waste it on getting all

up to go to bed.

Telephone!

Hello? Hello?

Who's this?

Who?

Oh, yes. Who is it wishes to speak with her? Is that you, Gag? Can't you see I'm

on the telephone? Do you mind?

Yes, I know you are.

I know. You've already rung four times today, haven't you? Can you hear me,

Gladys? Will you shut up?

You'll have to talk up a bit. I've got some lunatic yelling in my ear. Will you

shut up? Yes, I know you're a sister, but you've rung four times already

This happens to be my telephone.

I don't want people ringing here any other day when they feel like it. It's

a toy, you know.

Don't snatch.

He shouldn't be allowed to have a phone.

Go upstairs.

Not with that phone, you don't.

Mind out my weight.

Not with that phone, you don't. Are you going to stop me going upstairs?

I am not stopping you going anywhere. You can get on your bloody broomstick

buzz off to Timbuktu for all I care, but the telephone stays down here.

I'm taking you upstairs, Gladys. Oh, no, you won't. Oh, yes, I will.

Oh, no, you won't, I say.

of the chair. What would he be doing down the side of the chair? I've already

looked. It should be on the wall in his thing where it's supposed to be.

Well, who had it last? Oh, blimey, why can't people put things back where they

found them, right?

Where is it? A place for everything and everything in its place. It's not hard.

Use it.

Put it back.

Oh, like you, you mean. I always put things back.

Well, if you always put things back, why are we searching for it? I ain't had

it, have I?

Well, there is only you and her.

Has she got it up there? One, let it ring. No, wait.

Wait, she's down here now.

She's only got to hear that thing start. She's down here like a shot. Not

anything after a banana.

Wait for it to ring.

She's out.

Not up there.

How would you know? Do you always lock the door when she goes out?

Got a key, haven't I?

Well,

you know, just in case of emergency.

Your telephone is ringing. I know my telephone is ringing.

Where the bloody hell is she?

Why don't you try the pub? You'll be going over there anyway.

Shut up.

Give us a ear.

What's the matter with your eye?

That thing, that's what's the matter. Your bloody phone.

Thanks. Mr Garnett.

Who's that?

My friend, Mr Garnett. Fred says... Oh, I hope you don't mind me saying this.

You know.

I found him lying in a dead space with his foot through the stairs.

The doctor says he broke two toes and his ankle.

Well, I think it's more. Well, it looks like more.

What's the matter with it? That's another habit he's started.

Punching himself in the jaw.

It's a pity you wasn't out when I rung, innit?

And all these calls to Manchester.

That's our sister. They talk for hours, they do.

I don't phone my sister.

She phones me. Everybody sees the charges.

And thick calls to Jamaica.

I paid for those calls.

I gave you the money you put in your telephone box.

What, this one?

That's the one.

It's empty.

Yeah, well, I mean... A bloke come round from the Save the Children Fund and...

I mean, I didn't have the heart to... I did, I

did!

I preferred the other one.

You abused it.

Thank you.