All language subtitles for In Sickness And In Health s03e01

Now, my old darling, they've laid her
down to rest, and now I'm missing her

all my heart.

But they don't give a monkey's down at
the age of ten, and they've gone and

be pensioned for a start.

Now, it won't be very long before I'm by
her side, but I'll probably starve to

death, that's what I'll do.

But richer or poorer, I'm bloody poor,
that's a fact, just because in sickness

and in health, that's what I'll do.

Bloody hell.

Gotcha.

Gotcha.

What's that?

Gotcha.

Can I help you, sir?

It's just looking. Thank you, sir. It's
all right. No, it's not all right. It's

all right. I've used one of these
before.

Bing! Off!

I wish there was some way I knew you was
doing it to the mate.

Yes! This is me turning you off!

You can't do it to someone in real life,
can you? Give me that.

Don't touch me. You take your hands off
of me.

Don't you touch this.

Can't you read? It says don't touch.

I'd like to make you disappear.

What do you mean, don't touch?

Got to try it out before you buy it,
ain't you?

Do you know what this costs?

£2 ,000.

Well, there you are.

Before you buy a thing like that, you've
got to give it a trial run, ain't you?

See if it works.

Japanese, innit? Yes. Yeah.

I bought one of their watches. Once
never had no works in it.

Are you thinking of buying this
television, sir? I mean, I don't want to

rude, but... Well, it's a lot of money,
sir, and I would have thought... What

would you have thought?

Well, you're an old -age pensioner.
Senior citizen, if you don't mind. And I

ain't lived this long, sonny, without
learning a thing or two about life. And

one of the things I have learned is you
don't buy a pig in a poke.

A pig in a poke?

You won't find a better set than this
anywhere.

Anywhere in Japan, you mean?

Anywhere in the world, sir.

What, better than any other Japanese
set, you mean? Better than any other

of TV set, sir. Better than a British
one?

Far superior, sir. Are you a Jap?

I am English, sir. But I have to admit
that no English -made television can

a candle to this machine.

You try to tell me that no Englishman...

None of our Royal Majesty's loyal
subjects can make a better television

them little yellow monkeys out there in
Japan.

Yes, unfortunately, sir, that's true.

Pathetic, isn't it, Carl Bromley? I can
remember when British maid was the best

all over the world.

Well, you're a lot older than I am, sir.

And could be again if I was a bone idol,
most of them. Yes, well, is there

something else I can show you, sir?
Something less expensive?

Something cheap? Cheap.

Oh, you think I'm cheap, do you? I never
said that. Oh, somebody did.

I heard him.

Something cheap for a cheap person. So I
am cheap, am I? I never said that. What

I meant... Look, this is obviously too
expensive.

I meant something more in your price
range. How do you know I can't afford

Well, obviously you can't. You're an old
-age pensioner. I told you, senior

citizen, mate. I'll have you for that.

That's discrimination on the grounds of
age. That is ageist, that is.

What makes you think I can't afford
that, eh?

Eh? Lord Grade, he's old age pensioner,
isn't he? Eh?

Lord Charlie Forty, he's old age
pensioner.

Lord Sir Bernard Della Fonti, he's old
age pensioner.

Lord Marks and Sparks, he's old age
pensioner.

And he's got more and better shops than
this one, mate.

And all of them pensioners, they can all
afford to buy that television set.

And... Hey, buy this shop and suck you
into the bargain.

Yes.

Just because you're still a pensioner,
mate, doesn't mean to say you're

inferior. We're an inferior species, you
know. Isn't it marvellous? I fought.

I fought in the last war I did. I fought
against the Japs for your freedom to

sell their bleeding television sets in
this country.

Me and others, we fought. Lost lives, we
did.

Didn't live long enough to become old
-age pensioners. I was one of the lucky

ones. I nearly lost my life, but I lost
the use of that leg, didn't I?

I've got medals for that at home.

Saving life and losing a leg.

You lost a leg?

Which leg? I don't like to talk about
it.

Before you was born, sonny, when you was
just a gleam in your father's eye, when

this country belonged to us, to people
like me, before we had to share it with

the likes of you. But I don't like
talking about it, so don't ask me.

going on?

Nothing.

Just don't like the attitude some of
your staff has thought.

Well, all right, maybe I am old age
pensioner, grant you that.

But don't mean to say I'm a second
-class citizen, does it? It's not my

I've lived this long, is it?

I know this. I know that we're an
embarrassment to some people that some

do. I know that there's some people who
will rather us dead and try and kill us

off every winter.

You've done your bit, you've served your
time, now off you go into eternity.

Well, I happen to be one who ain't ready
to go just yet, mate.

Yes, well, I'm sorry, but what can we do
for you?

Well, I'll come in here looking for a
radio. A cheap radio!

Something to make a cup of tea for
someone who's bedridden, living on her

light, you know, all crippled up and
confined to bed for months at a time.

is a relative of yours, is it? No, it's
me I'm talking about, mate, me.

You.

But you said someone crippled and
confined to bed.

With the cold, Sonny, with the cold!

It's a tea's maid you're talking about,
but not cheap.

You're right. Looking around this shop.

Looking around that marketplace out
there, the only thing that's cheap,

life. Life itself.

Bloody animals are better off than we
are. Animals. The pig.

The cow. The chicken.

Animal. He lives in a country, doesn't
he?

Don't have to live in a bloody slum in
Red Millet at Newham, does he?

I can't afford to go out in the country,
not even for one day. The bloody animal

lives there.

All right, they're going to kill him for
food, but we've all got to die.

The point is, while they're alive,
they're better off than we are.

If you're food, you're better off.

If you're food, they look after you,
make sure you didn't catch nothing.

If I was horse, if I was Princess Anne's
horse, God, I'd be laughing, wouldn't

I?

What was a corgi? One of them has his
corgis. God, blimey. What, live in

Buckhouse, drive all over the country in
a Rolls Royce, Balmoral, Sandion and

Windsor Castle, just lie on the end of
her bed all day, licking her feet.

All right.

Why, you've got to chase a few cats,
bite a few prime ministers. Look, here

comes Margaret Thatcher. I'll have her
ankles.

How do I bleed and stuff? Oh, look, it's
the Royal Enquiry. We've had dinner on

a silver platter. What's he got today
for us, eh?

Oh, caviar, pate de force grass. I'm not
eating that crap. Clear off. Oh, look.

There's a little bowl of champagne for
fire, though.

That's your royal dog's life, innit?

I'm going to queue up down the DHSS,
reduce the spinning tails to our face

bureaucrat with heart as cold as a
freezing bloody English winter.

What sort of a country is it where an
old -age pensioner who's given his life

for it can't afford to buy a bleeding
radio where others with more money than

cents can spend £2 ,000 on a television
set just to watch the crap they put out?

Where an old -age pensioner has to sit
like a beggar at a rich man's gate and

where he walks into a shop looking for
something to buy to make his life a

little bit more bearable and he's
treated like a common criminal.

Right.

What's the charge?

Charge? What are you charging me with?

Charging you? What do you mean, charging
you? We're not charging you with

anything. He arrested me. He wrongfully
arrested me. I didn't. Excuse me, sonny.

You placed your hand upon my shoulder
and impeded my egress.

You impounded my vested privilege of
movement and placed constraint and

upon my person. I know my rights.

It's a blind taste of malicious and
malevolent wrongful arrest.

I just took this away from him. I
thought I wasn't stealing it.

It says don't touch.

You can read, can't you? You're not
blind.

How do you know? I might be blind.

Is that in braille?

No. A blind person might come in here.
How do you expect me to read that?

I doubt very much if a blind person
would be in here looking for a

set, sir.

All right, smart arse.

You might think it's a radio, mightn't
he?

Anyway, there's seven million
illiterates in this country. How are

be able to read that? I mean, poor
buggers can't even read their own names.

of them don't even know who they are. So
how are they going to bloody well read

your signs?

Marvellous, isn't it, eh?

Must be the only country in the world
where you can be arrested because you

can't bloody read.

But no -one has been arrested. Oh,
you're trying to get out of it now, are

I see, all right.

Go and get a piece. Look, there's no
need for that. Always do that.

Excuse me, excuse me.

You've took the law into your own hands,
haven't you? Right, well, we'll get a

policeman and we'll see what the real
law has to say about it. Right, so we

off then. I'll do more than that, mate.
I'll take it up the arse of the Lord.

Yeah, the European Parliament. Hang
there, hang there. All right, come on

Come on. Put the cuffs on. Come on.

Come on, we'll see how far you can get.
What exactly was it you came in for,

sir? You tried to bribe me.

You heard that? You heard that?

You'll be my witness. He tried to bribe
me. No, I didn't, sir. I didn't say you

couldn't.

It was a tease made, wasn't it, sir?

Have we got a cheap one?

Have we got a cheap one? Cheap again.

Ah,

here we are, sir.

The deluxe model.

I'm very sorry for the misunderstanding.

Now, if you'd accept that with our
compliments.

Can you put a plug on it?

She's been there a long time, isn't she?

Mr Garnet's daughter, isn't it?

He's given a thorough going over, I
think.

Something serious, is it?

You'll get me struck off.

I love you, Rita. You know that.

Get divorced.

It shouldn't be such a painful
operation, not in this day and age.

Oh, she looks well enough.

Just goes to show, doesn't it?

On your own?

I would.

Miserable, isn't it? No.

Here. You see this? Look, get off.

That's a radio, that is.

And wakes up with a cup of tea.

Marvellous, isn't it?

Japanese.

Well, it must be.

If it was British, it'd be on strike
most of the time, eh?

I wouldn't be up early enough in the
morning to make you a cup of tea.

and unemployed, eh? The bugger's right,
that's what I say.

I mean, if your British worker can't
make what people want to buy, well, what

they expect?

Your British worker won't even buy what
he makes himself.

When it comes to spending his own money,
he's got better things to do with it

than waste it on the crap that he turns
out.

The car park at British Leyland is full
of Japanese cars, I betcha.

Do you know how this works?

No, but I'll work it out.

I'll set it for you.

Oh, Tom.

It's all right.

Oi!

Stop!

For Rita.

Strange, you're giving this a joke.

Rita. That's strange isn't it?

I'll give him this address.

Private.

That's Rita's letter, that is. It's
private to her.

You're not supposed to read that.

That's why it's got a stamp of it with a
picture of the Queen looking sideways

so even she can't see what's inside.

What's it say?

It's none of your business.

No, it's none of your business either.
She's my daughter.

That ain't don't entitle you to open her
letters.

That's important.

She don't want it hanging around for
weeks without her knowing what's inside

it. it on to her. I intend to, my dear.
Once I know a letter's important and

personal and private to her, that letter
is refilled and forwarded on to her.

Well, I hope you don't open my letters
to see if they're important. Who'd write

important to you?

Mr Garnet, look, can I talk to you about
your spare room?

He wants to move into it. Spare room?

The room Rita uses when she comes to
stay.

When she comes to stay?

Let me ask him. Oh, ask him, ask him.
He's there. He sits

He wants to move in here.

My sister's getting married, Mr Garnet.
You ain't invited me.

They're going to have to move in to my
mum.

And I want my run, see?

Well, it's hard luck, isn't it?

Well, I thought, if I could move in with
you... Move in with me?

Yeah, I'll pay you good rent, you know.

Readies. And no questions asked.

And I'll be living in, on the spot, to
look after you.

You will be better off.

Well, what about me? What about you?
Well, this is my house, too.

It's not your room, is it? No, you
expect me to keep my mouth shut, though?

impossible. And not say anything about
your readies?

And no questions asked about what will
be money in your pocket? I mean, what

about my pocket?

I'm a Catholic, and I have to go to
confession.

If you expect me to lie to the priest
and commit mortal sins on your behalf,

well, I expect to get something out of
it.

You hypocrite! Yeah, don't you call me
hypocrite.

And there's my meals too.

I mean, I could do with someone doing a
bit of cooking and cleaning for me.

I'm as old aged pensioner as he is.
Well, not as old.

Look, he ain't moving in here.

Because that room ain't going to be
spare no more.

Because Rita's coming back here.

She's coming back home to live with me.

Those old buildings in Crippen Road,
have you heard about them, Mr Garnett?

They're doing them up.

Turning them into luxury flats, they
are.

Who are?

Council. They're going to be pretty
pricey, they are, though.

I don't see the sense of me, none of us,
to be able to afford them.

No, well, they're trying to attract a
better class of individual here.

You know, homeowners, people with a bit
of money. They're trying to upgrade the

area.

It's a good idea, actually, don't you
think so, Mr Garnett? Herd all the poor

into ghettos, all the old -age
pensioners and unemployed, parcel them

together in the same area.

It's a good idea, actually. They'll be
happier together, with nobody to envy,

nobody to unsettle them, and everybody
who's got a few bob can live among

themselves in a nicer area, with better
shots and other amenities.

I mean, lame is a rabble. They can't
afford to keep things up.

Everything gets run down. They want
everything for nothing, and it spoils it

the rest of us. Now, I think that Mrs
Thatcher is a very clever woman.

The idea of hers, dividing the country
in half, with the poor up one end, the

rich up the other.

Brilliant, isn't it?

They'll put you out to grass somewhere
up in Newcastle, I reckon.

I ignore him.

Here, Arthur.

Here. What?

Out of Rita.

Yeah?

She's getting divorced.

It's marvellous, isn't it?

I hope you didn't laugh when she told
you. She ain't told me yet.

Well, how do you know then? Well, this
come for her this morning.

From her solicitor. Here, I'll read it.
No, I shouldn't really.

I don't like doing this. I mean... Well,
it's private, isn't it?

Well, she won't mind.

She won't know.

No, I can't read this self.

I can't describe it.

Cruelty? On the grounds of cruelty?
What's he been doing? Oh, well, nothing

violent. Just being himself, that's
enough, isn't it? What I call mental

cruelty. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, hello. Here comes the pipe.

Another fog warning.

Sorry to hear about your Rita.

Eh?

I saw her in the doctor.

I'm not one to listen, but I couldn't
help overhearing.

What's she got to do with her doctor?

Probably depressed about it. Probably
wanted some pills or something. Oh, it

more than pills.

She was in there a long time with him,
she was.

My Rita's up in Liverpool.

Oh, not this morning, she wasn't.

Anyway, one good thing.

I heard him tell her.

There'll be no pain, he said.

Well, that's a blessing, isn't it, poor
girl?

I've lit a candle for her.

And if you'd like a masthead, I can
arrange it.

I talked to Father, and he said, it
don't matter, you're not one of us.

Well, what do I want a masthead for?

Oh, no, no, in the power of prayer.

No, I've known people have a masthead,
and what they was worried about never

happened. But I want it to happen, don't
I?

happened to her?

Some father you are.

Well, I knew you was a pig.

But let's hope something the same
happens to you.

I'll tell him.

I'll break it to him gently.

Mr. Garnett, I got some bad news for
you, boy.

Bad news?

Yes. Rita was trying to tell you herself
in case you caused a scene.

Oh, yeah?

Scene? Me? Why would I cause a scene?

Well, you've got your ideas, your own
moral codes about the way people should

live, and what Rita's done, well, she
thinks it might let her down, in your

right. And so she's asked me to tell
you, to break it to you gently, like, so

you don't get too upset.

It's about her marriage.

Yeah, well, you see, Winston, I love my
little Rita.

She's all I've got left in the world,
but I don't matter. I'm not important.

She's the one. See, because my life is
over, basically. I mean, you know, my

days are numbered.

I'll be off to join Mummy soon, but...
My little girl.

She's... She's the one. She's the one
that matters. I mean, it's her

That's all I'm interested in, her
happiness.

Well, she's getting divorced.

I know.

I know!

She's never been better in her life.

All that fancy.

She's getting divorced.

She's getting divorced and that rotten,
lousy, good -for -nothing, scarce kid.

Like I told her to do years ago.

You said it wouldn't work. I said it
wouldn't work. Over 20 years ago. Over

years ago. And now she's coming home to
live happy ever after with her daddy.

Right? Wrong.

She's a new boyfriend.

A new man in her life.

She still loves you, but in a different
way. You know, not everyone loves the

same, I'm glad to say.

She's coming back to London, but she's
not moving back in with you, Bwana.

She's going to be... Living in sin.

Shut up, you.

Get him struck off.

He lives inside with my daughter.

I'll get him struck off. I'll get you
struck off.

He could too. I love your daughter, Mr.
Garnett. And as soon as she gets

divorced, we're going to get married.

I know this has come as a bit of a shock
to you.

I told Rita to tell you herself.

But we're very much in love. And that's
all that really matters. Oh, is it?

Oh, is it?

Well, we'll see about that.

Did your Rita get all this on the
National Health, Mr. Garnett?

She said you'd cause a thing.

scene. I'll give her a bloody scene.

And what about her life is all that
matters and her happiness is all I live

What about my good name?

And what about I love my Rita because I
am coming to the end of my days and she

is the important one because I'm off to
join mummy soon.

The sooner the better.

I'm paying you very good rent for that
room.

More than it's worth, I don't mind
telling you.

What do you mean, so I should?

You know what I mean.

Not paying no more than you're sort of
supposed to pay.

What do you mean, my sort? Do I detect a
note of racism?

Buona? Look, nobody said nothing about
that. It's you who brought that up, not

me.

It's true, though, isn't it?

It's meanness.

You know, I don't mind your colour. I
got used to it, you know that.

Oh, thank you. That's so white of you,
old boy.

Look, there's plenty round here that
wouldn't give you a room in their house.

Not give, judge.

Yeah, well, as it is, I'll have to put
up with all the moans and complaints

about lowering the neighbourhood.

A little bit of gratitude from you
wouldn't go amiss, I tell you.

God almighty, what do you...

Look, it was me. It was me who was
explaining to her upstairs and that

Swine Johnson about your lot the other
day.

I told them, I said, you don't give old
Marigold and his lot a chance. I said,

you won't let them try and fit in.

I said, you seem to think they're still
living in trees and living in mud huts.

I said, you don't seem to realise some
of them is quite intelligent, I think.

Speak the language almost as well as
what we do, some of them.

A little bit of encouragement, a little
bit of training, and they'll soon pick

up our waist. I say to Rita the other
night, we was watching the cricket on

telly, I said to her, I said, it's
amazing, I said, how quick some of these

Sambo's have picked this game up.

Especially the West Indians and the
Pakistanis. Shut up.

And do you know something else?

If creatures from outer space was to
land on this planet and happen to watch

Olympics, they'd think the black people
were the superior race.

Oh, yeah. And they think America was a
black nation. Oh, yeah. Because it's

blacks win all the gold and all the
silver.

And the pinky people, they just win the
old bronze.

Yeah.

Well, who was it, excuse me, who was it,
give them the chance to win all them

gold medals and be good at sports, all
them American blacks, what you're

about, eh? Who was it got them out to
America in the first place, eh? Answer

that, clever dick.

They would think they were slaves, this
pilly old fool.

Yeah, but they was the lucky ones,
wasn't they?

I mean, where do you think Muhammad Ali
and Louis Armstrong and all the rest of

them would be if their families
hadn't... Gone on them bloody boats to

all those years ago, eh?

God blimey, we was doing them a favour.
All right, I mean, maybe they didn't

appreciate it at the time.

I mean, putting them all in chains,
maybe they didn't like that. Maybe that

their backs up a bit. But they was the
lucky ones. I mean, your American bloke

is far better off than he would be in
Africa. I mean, he don't want to go back

there, does he?

Same as your lot. I mean, you moan and
complain, but none of you lot want to go

back to Africa, do you? Of course you
don't. You're not mad.

You know when you're well off. Look,
Sammy Davis Jr., where do you think he

would be today if his grandad hadn't
been dragged screaming up the gangplank

onto that bloody ship, eh?

I'll tell you where he'd be. He'd be in
Africa, being chased up a tree by a

bloody tiger. That's where.

Cobblers. Never mind about cobblers,
mate. It's facts, I'm telling you. I

people complain about us, about this
country and what we did.

But, I mean, there was method. There was
method.

I mean, like when we sent all them
convicts out to Australia. They went out

there in chains, didn't they? But look
how well they've done.

Well, the bloody side better than the
ones we sent to Wormwood Scrubs, didn't

they?

Same with Margaret Thatcher, when she
took the milk away from all the

schoolchildren. Everyone was up in arms
about that.

Maggie Fats of the Milk Snatcher, they
called her.

She was doing them a favour. She took
away their cholesterol, didn't she?

Stopped all them kids getting heart
attacks.

God blimey.

They're putting government health
warnings on your milk bottles now.

I can't talk to you. You're bloody mad.

Yeah, well, I must be letting you live
here.

How are you going to be sleeping in
there?

What do you mean, how am I going to be
sleeping in there? Do you think I'm

to be sleeping in there? Well, I'm just
asking.

But what are you getting at?

Look. There is a bed in there, and I am
going to go and sleep in it. I mean,

what do you think I'm going to be doing
in there? Oh, I know you're so bloody

touchy about it.

I'll ask you this all.

Just... Just sleep the way we do. That's
all I'm asking.

You're in England now.

I've never been out of bloody England.

I'm going to burn it for Christ's sakes.