All language subtitles for In Sickness And In Health s02e01

Now, my old darling, they've laid her
down to rest, and now I'm missing her

all we are.

But they don't give a monkey's down to
the HSS, and they've gone and I'll be

pensioned for a star.

Now, it won't be very long before I'm
tired, but I'll probably starve to

that's what I'll do.

But richer or poorer, I'm bloody poor,
that's the fact, just because it's

sickness and it helps us that I'll do.

Anyone like a cup of tea?

Perhaps later.

Come on, Alf, here.

Sit him down here.

Sit him down here.

I know what he needs.

Well, why do you take her, eh?

It's all the villains in the world,
murderers, rapists, sucker hooligans.

Why do you have to take her, eh?

What's she done here to take her?

Never mind, Mr Garnet.

Try to bear up.

Yeah, well, get this, Danya.

He's upset.

Bound to be.

We all are.

That foreman of the Undertakers was
hanging about out there. I think he

a tip. Tip? I'll give him a tip.

The tip of my boot.

Six lace holes up his jacksie.

Was to reduce his prices, that's what he
was to do.

Loading cookies.

Take advantage of bereaved, fleecing
poor people like, £300 for the coffee,

for carrying it, £40 for a car.

Cemetery's only round the corner, we
could have walked it.

Could have carried the salt.

I'll never use that farm again, not as
long as I live, I won't.

Talk about the cost of living, what
about the cost of dying?

Yes, makes you think.

Still, if it's any consolation, could
have been a lot dearer next year.

You had a bit of insurance, though,
didn't you?

It's not the money, Arthur.

Oh, dear.

I don't regret the money.

It was a nice funeral, though.

I think she'd have been pleased.

She wouldn't have been unhappy.

He charged enough, though.

A sad loss.

But it went smooth.

It went smooth enough.

She'll be missed.

I think she'd have been pleased.

I think she'd have been pleased if she
could have seen the way she went.

I've done my best.

He could have done more to bloody
undertake.

Money I paid him.

Don't you worry, Mr Garnett.

She wouldn't have minded.

She'd have been very happy.

God rest her soul.

All of us are.

It wasn't meant to turn out.

No, it wasn't the best to turn out.

They ain't got many relations.

Not got many friends.

There'd have been more turned up if it
had been him we was burying.

I hope he don't get drunk.

You can't blame him, I suppose, if he
does.

They like this.

Oh, well, I hope he don't, that's all.

Don't worry.

I'll look after him. I know.

Must be rotten for him, though.

I mean, they've been together now how
long?

Must be about 45 years.

Must have thought a lot of her.

Must have loved her.

I mean, in his own way.

Mm, I suppose so.

But you notice he's bought more booze
than flowers?

Mm -hm.

Mm -hm.

I don't know how I'm going to manage.

They took her half of the pension
straight off, didn't they? And the 30

got for sitting in that chair. I mean,
I'm...

I'm more than £50 worse off, aren't I?

Oh, you're managed off. I mean, there's
only one of you now, isn't there? That's

it, Mr Garnett. Look, on the bright
side, you're on your own now. Despite

they say, who can't live as cheaply as
one?

I know that. I don't know where she puts
it all. Never mind there's only one of

me. I'm 50 quid down the drain with her
going, aren't I?

Eh? There might only be the one of me,
but it's no saving, I'll tell you that.

There might be only one of me. It's
still got to cost the same for my

isn't it? Eh?

There might only be one of me sitting
here, but I've still got to burn the

light as when there was two of us
sitting here.

There might have been ten of us sitting
here, fifty even.

Still got to burn the same electric
light to warm it.

And if half of them leave, it don't get
no cheaper, does it?

If all of them leave, it's only me. It's
still going to cost me the same,

doesn't it? Look, I'm sitting here
watching the telly. I'm on my own

the telly. It's still...

It costs the same as when she was
sitting there watching it with me.

I don't get no treatment now she's gone,
does it?

It's still going to cost me the same
licence fee.

I don't get no treatment now because
there's only one of me watching instead

two, do I? Oh, dear me, no.

Look, down the road, there's ten of
them.

watching the bloody Packies. Ten of them
watching that.

The same film on there as I'm watching.
It don't cost them no more than it costs

me because there's ten of them, does it?
No.

There's only one of me sitting here
watching it. I don't get no cheaper.

still going to cost me the same licence
fee for one of me watching it when

there's ten of them watching it. And
they talk about bloody economics.

Voodoo. Your government, the parliament.
In fact, I don't know about economics.

I wouldn't trust them with a jam jar
full of fruttony bits.

I don't know as much about economics as
bloody Marigold does, dear.

Why not? Shut up, you.

I wouldn't know about economics, half.
I'll tell you about economics, see.

Listen.

When a rich man dies, see, the ones
who's left behind is invariably better

Right?

I mean, you know, they try to look
unhappier, you know.

Try not to look too pleased about all
the money they've been left, but, well,

mean, perhaps they are unhappy, you
know, because it's on the cards the one

lost is close, you know. Maybe they
liked him even, but the point is they're

out of pocket on the deal. They're
better off financially because they

what is left.

You inherit what else is left?

No, she never had nothing.

All she had... You've had already.

All she had, what she could leave me,
was her pension and what she got for

sitting in that wheelchair.

What she would have left me, I know she
would have done willingly, but she

couldn't, could she? Because the bloody
government grabbed it back over.

Ain't fair.

It's not supposed to be fair, Al. Look,
when the Queen dies, God forbid...

When your queen dies, see, Charlie
becomes king, right?

Because he inherits. And die your queen.

Shut up.

Because he inherits, right? But, I mean,
Philip, he's not worse off, is he? He

don't have to draw his horns in. He
still sits down to his same breakfast.

His pipe's full. He don't have to worry
where his next pint's coming from, do

he?

Look, a bit of similar.

The Queen Mum.

She lost her husband, didn't she? But
she didn't lose half the money to go

it, did she?

All right, she had to move out of Buck
House, but they found her house just as

good, didn't they?

Clarence House. Clarence House. But
she's still got her box at your Royal

eh? She's still got her cabin in a Royal
Yacht. And she don't have to live in

Clarence House on supplementary benefit
with a DHSS telling her how many bars of

electricity she can burn during the
winter.

She wouldn't have to.

Neither, because she's a wonderful,
wonderful woman.

But never should I have to.

I can live cheaper on my own.

It's not all that fun being rich, Alf. I
mean, in a way, we're lucky we've got

no money. Oh, yeah, I've heard that one
before, Alf. But that's what people who

have got money tell people who ain't got
it. No, I mean, if you're a rich man,

and a man your age, who ain't got long,

a man near the end...

Then you'll see the vultures gathering.
You know how greedy people can be,

especially relatives, when they know
you're more worth to them dead than you

alive.

I mean, all your wealth does then is
give them a better interest in your

doesn't it?

You get ill, you take your bed, you're
at their mercy.

You're going to be scared.

You're going to be terrified to eat or
drink anything they've prepared for you.

You'll starve for the fear of being
poisoned by them.

I know that from being rich, Alf. You
don't have to be rich. You can be a poor

person with relatives you have to
support, eating you out of house and

could also give you a strong interest in
their death.

Ah, eating, eating.

It's good to eat, but I shouldn't have
to eat ham.

Oh, the food is good, Mr Garnet, but ham
I shouldn't have to eat.

Chicken is better, beef, salt beef on
the rye.

If I should eat ham, it's a terrible
thing.

I eat to mourn your wife, but I
shouldn't have to.

A dietary law.

So, I'm a criminal.

Seventy years old, I'm a criminal
because I shouldn't be able to

Who can see me? Who can tell I'm eating?

For seventy years, I've been strict.

Now I'm a liberal. So, it's a terrible
thing. Why should ham be such a crime?

Why not pilchards?

Bacon and eggs.

If you can't have the bacon, who needs
the eggs?

The government killed her off, didn't
it?

We all know that. It froze her out,
didn't it?

She froze to death.

Use the telephone, they said. Ring the
DHSS. Bloody love, the phone was

vandalised. Couldn't even find my
reader, could I?

Anyway, you've got to be Scotty
Antarctic to find a bleeding phone.

foot of snow out there.

Look, you wasn't here, don't know.

Too much of me, I couldn't manage it. I
ain't got no bloody slow shoes.

Dad, that was in February. Mum only died
last week.

She never thawed out.

Where in the summer get over English
winter?

That's true, Alf. I'm sure there's parts
of me still numb from last winter.

Coldest winter for a hundred years, I
think. And your arm and your navy, they

would have been issued with special warm
clothing.

And rum ration, see?

For us, your civilian populations, we're
expected to sail into unprotected.

We should be given special winter money
living in this country.

Special winter money? Why not? For
staying in residence, occupying and

the country during the worst of winter
months.

And blimey, most of your wealth to do it
all for into the sun well before

Christmas, they are.

Only the swallows, they are.

Leaderless, this country, during the
winter.

That's why you never get a war in the
winter in this country.

You're bloody laughing at us. Facts,
isn't it? Facts.

All of our wars have all been summer
wars, haven't they?

Just stop bloody giggling, you might
learn something.

You look in your history books, all our
wars, last war, first world war, your

Falklands war, all them wars that
started in the summer, and why?

I'll tell you the why, Miss Giggle Guts.
I'll tell you the why, because there's

no one bloody well here in the winter.

No one in authority there. There's no
one that arranged the start of bloody

is there? No, because they're all off
into the sun, all for the swallows. Like

he said, get out of my bloody seat. Come
on.

Yeah, I could do with a swallow off.
Give us that bottle, will you?

There's a bit of handicap in it, Arthur.
I mean, that's your drinking hand,

isn't it? No, that's all right. I'm
amphy.

Amphi? Amphi, you know, use the other
hand.

That's why we've got Marigold and his
mob over here, innit? Yeah!

Pack them all off to England, the
politicians said. We'll have this

paradise to ourselves.

Too good for your coons, this is. Too
good for Marigold and his mob.

Well, that will keep a few of them here,
servants, you know. Put white coats on

them, get rid of the rest of them,
demolish all those shantytowns and put

few five -star hotels and we'll spend
the winter recess here.

Yeah, for the winter junkies. That's it.

I can hear them now. I say, what a good
idea.

Sitting in the sun. Sitting in the sun
discussing the third world.

I say, fellas, let's loosen our belts
and make room for another blowout and

if we can sort out this Ethiopian
famine.

Send this back. Send that back.

Not enough meat on the lobster.

The steak's too rare. The champagne's
too warm. Yeah.

You won't get none of them back here
till the weather warms up. Yeah, and we

sit here shivering and dying in the
cold.

Like my poor Elston.

The good woman she was.

Good wife and mother.

But she was!

And in your famous new technological
age, what they're all talking about, she

was left to sit here and bloody freeze
to death.

Might as well still be living in case,
all the good, you know, technological

done for her.

Ah, it's all rubbish, isn't it?

All rubbish.

It was them who killed my mother, the
government.

It froze her to death.

She was a good woman.

Saint she was, God rest her soul.

The kind of woman never lived.

We had a plot for her from my mother, a
reserve special for her.

It was marked, clean and decent when we
first had it, when we buried my father

in it.

You should see it now.

We had to bury my mother in it a few
months ago.

You should see it now.

You'd think it was pigs buried there.

Blackies now, my sister said. It's them
blackies, they're burying them here now.

It's them what's made the mess.

Well, if it is, I said, if it is...

I said, I'll have her up. I'll have her
up. And I'll lay her to rest somewhere

else. They shouldn't let him over here.

It's not their country. Not their
cemetery.

If they must let him over here, at least
send him back.

When you play God Save the Queen or Land
of Hope and Glory on the piano, you

have to use the white keys and the dart.

Look,

I was born in this country. My mother
and father was born in this country. For

Christ's sakes, what do I have to do to
become an Englishman?

You've got to be a man for the start of
your bloody right, Poofter.

You can't be English, can you? I am
English. How can I not be English with a

name like mine?

Winston... Spencer Churchill.

That's disgusting.

I'm black English and you're white
English. Well, whitish with black spots.

Hot towel to get rid of your black head.
Tell me, Sonny, when did you find out

he was a Schwarzer?

Well, it was when I was a small boy.

About the same time you found out he was
a Jew boy, you know, when they tell you

to get to the back of the bus.

You know, it was a Jew who freed all the
slaves.

Abraham Lincoln, a wonderful man.

Well, he wasn't bloody Irish, was he?

Anyway, they wasn't his slaves to free.
They was our coons, weren't they?

Yes, they was.

We had like a surplus of coons all
lolling about in our Africa, all

the bleating trees. And so you put them
in chains and sold them to America?

They only chained them up because they
kept running away.

If they didn't, they was treated very
well, our English slaves was.

Oh, right, you don't want to believe all
them tales you hear.

Oh, yeah, it was stamped on the export
licence, wasn't it? These are English

slaves, so they must be treated
decently. Oh, they was, they was.

There's only a set of nice people, big
houses, you know, and gentle folk. I

mean, they didn't send any...

Oh, and to the slums. We never had none
round here, did we? They was allowed to

live in sheds at the bottom of the White
Martha's Garden, the way they do in

South Africa now. You don't live in a
bleating shed.

You'd like that, wouldn't you? Having
slaves to fetch and carry for you, and

nice boys like Winston running around
after you. He'd have to run a bloody

of fast, and he'd have to... Say, sir
and madam... I tell you, boss, I bet if

put on a white coat and carried a tray,
I'd be re...

Wouldn't I, boss?

Wouldn't I, boss? I don't want to
discuss it.

Mr Garnett.

Mr Garnett.

I've got nothing against black people
myself, per se, personally.

I only hope you never have to have a
transplant, Mrs Ollingbury.

We've got a black dustman. As you know,
we don't complain.

We've got a black postman. He's all
right. Because if all your organs are as

bigoted as you are, you won't stand a
chance.

They'd reject it.

But black neighbours.

You see, I don't mind, but if I want to
sell my house... It's a funny thing.

Bigger treatment than Cullenbury. If you
had a new heart set, then all your

other old things might reject it and
have nothing to do with it if they're as

prejudiced as you are.

See, my house is worth £36 ,000 in a
white neighbourhood.

I mean, they might say, yeah, that's a
new heart they've put in. It's not one

us. It's foreign. And then where would
you be, Mrs Cullenbury?

Dead. Another victim of prejudice and
bigotry.

But ghetto prices, they

tend to be lower. You see, I'm not a
racist.

I wouldn't watch anybody else with bits
and pieces thrown into me, thank you.

I don't find myself out of pocket.

People come to see the house, look it
over, and they see blackies.

It's them? It's not me, it's them. I
mean, a man's going to pay £40 ,000 for

new house. He's going to be a bit fussy
about his new neighbours.

I mean, it's worse than woodworm or dry
rot when you come to sell house.

A bit of rising damp you can get away
with, but black neighbours... Now, you

how I'm thinking?

Oh, yeah?

It's not me, it's a possible purchaser.
I mean, I don't mind them. I mean, I'll

enjoy a curry occasionally, won't I,
dear?

Well, if it's not too hot. Even Chinese.
We are cosmopolitan in that sense,

aren't we, dear?

Oh, I had an Asian lady in the next bed
to me in hospital. She took it quite

well. She had a Jamaican nurse as well.
We are broad -minded ourselves, aren't

we, dear? Not like Mrs. Hollingbury,
your upstairs neighbour.

No, no, these are God's creatures.

We were Liberal and FDP, weren't we,
before we became Tory, dear?

No... Well, I'm trying to say, Mr
Garnet, if he, the blackie... Oh, let's

spade a spade.

If he's going to be living with you,
perhaps you could sort of keep him...

Undercover.

In lower profile.

If he's, as householders, owner -buyers,
so to speak, it wouldn't do us any good

if the street became known for its high
black profile.

No offence.

Oh, none taken, darling.

We Jews used to lower the land values.

We lowered all the land values in the
whole of Waltonstow.

And when they were low enough, my uncle
Melvin bought them all up, and he made a

good profit.

You see, this is the problem with the
Schwarzers.

They're not clever. You haven't got the
mouse. It is good to lower the land

values, Sonny. We should only be able to
lower the food prices.

Come on, Mr Garnet.

Wake up, come on, wake up.

Everybody's gone.

Rita tried to say goodbye to you, but
she couldn't get any sense into you.

Where's Rita?

She had to get back to Liverpool.

She tried to say goodbye to you.

Why did she say goodbye to me? You
wouldn't wake up. What? Was I asleep?

You was dead drunk.

Oh, God.

Hey, look.

Where's he going tonight?

Are you taking him with you?

No, he's staying here.

Don't worry, I'll make sure he's all
right before I go. He can't stay here.

What? He lives here. I live here. I
didn't mind him living down here when

wife was here, but now she's gone, we've
only got the one door.

I mean, there's nothing to stop him
coming up my stairs.

I'm a woman on my own and I'm not taking
any chances, not with the likes of him.

But you've got a door at the top.

It's not a strong door. It's not a
street door. I can't bolt it.

And when they've got the drink in them,
then... Well, that door wouldn't

hold a man turned animal with drink and
flamed with drunken desires.

We've only got the one street door.

Now, that arrangement was all right when
Mrs Garnet was living here, but now

she's gone, poor woman. Well, it's not
decent. What are you talking about, not

decent, you bloody silly old faggot?

You can go and live up in Liverpool with
your daughter. I don't want to live in

Liverpool! No, no, they won't have you,
and I can't say I blame them. Look,

well, I don't want you here!

I live here, Mrs!

I live here, you stupid old witch!

Don't shout at me.

Heard enough of you shouting when your
poor wife was alive. Poor woman.

I could write a book on you. Oh, yeah.

And I would, too, for two pins. Oh,
yeah, and I'd write a book on you. Yeah,

yeah, and that'd tell people what you
are. Oh, yes, yes.

Well, I'll tell you, Sally, I live here,
Mrs. If anyone's going to move, it's

you. Oh, well, we'll see about that. We
will see about that. Yes, we will.

Can't you get him into a home? What?

I'll stay here tonight and I'll
chaperone you.

Two of you?

You'll be safe.

Look, I'm a council social worker.

You'll be all right.

Better be.

Don't neither of you come up these
stairs.

A bit more bloody talking!

Like Mrs Pulling!

Are you being too annoying to have it on
with her, or what?

and touch her with a barge pole.

I'll see to your bed.

Silly old moo.

Thank you.