Original subtitles

When we got married, I took the marriage vow.

In sickness and in health, I said I'll do.

For richer or poorer, till death I fall.

And you said such an honour and a baby too.

But it wasn't very long before I soon found out. The one who would have

is with you.

Now after all these years of loss, I'm pushing you about.

But in sickness and in health, I love you.

You ain't fixing to stand in El Paso at all, dude.

Huh.

You ought to try that alternative medicine they're all talking about.

Who's all talking about? Everybody.

Who? They're all talking about it.

I've heard them.

You don't listen, do you? You sit there, you don't hear nothing.

There's fiends going on all round you.

You don't see them, you don't hear them.

New things coming in, old things going out. I wish you would.

The whole world's changing.

You don't know the first thing that's going on today.

All right, what's going on today?

Look, didn't you ever hear the expression, where it's at?

Where ooze happens.

Talking about where it's all happening.

Here. You watch what you're doing with my wheelchair.

I'm watching it.

Where it is. I'm saying where it's happening.

Where what's happening?

New things.

New... New technological advances.

New sciences.

What do you know about sciences?

Oh, I listen, don't I?

I listen. Keep my ears open, don't I?

You should rush beyond them.

Something else is not so.

Where? Where?

It's been there for several days.

Where?

Well, go and wash behind them.

You'll have potatoes growing behind them soon.

I'll have a wash in a minute. When I've finished this, I'll have a bath.

Oh, I'll put the flags out.

Look, I bath as much as anyone else does.

Christmas is regular.

Never mind about Christmas. I had a bath last Friday, didn't I?

Don't overdo it.

Well, I keep myself clean, my dear, but I don't have no fads about sitting in a

bath every day, washing all the natural oils out of your skin.

No fear of that happening to you. I mean, them oils, it's put there to

you, innit?

They're nature's way of weatherproofing you. Oh.

Is that one of your new sciences?

Oh, that is thick, that is. That is the sign of someone who's really... You need

sick days to sit and scoff at things you don't understand.

That's why men like Galileo was martyred and hung from crosses because of people

like you.

Didn't he believe in barfing either?

Galileo was scoffed at because he said the world was round and not flat.

They laughed at him. Do you hear that? And people like you with their

I've never said the world wasn't round.

No, not now you wouldn't.

But I'm pleased that the bit that we use is flat.

Anyway, your Queen swears by it. What?

Alternative medicine. So does Prince Charles. He swears by it too, and them

people ain't daft. They know what's good for them.

Well, I've got my own doctor.

So has she.

So has the Minister of the Queen got her own doctor. A sir or something or

other. A knight of the realm doctor.

A best of money can buy doctor.

and keep her happy. She don't mess about. She don't take no chances like

She asks for a second opinion, a third, a fourth, a fifth opinion if she fancies

it. She plays the field, she does.

If there's anything the slightest bit wrong with that woman, she has armies of

them up the palace there, queuing up there, lining up to give it a once

And if one of them, any of them, makes the slightest little mistake, off with

his royal.

Yes.

Banished from the court.

Back to the National Health with all the rest of the rubbish.

Still, despite all that top -class medical aid, she still dabbles in your

alternative medicine. Swears by it, she does.

That's why she's always so fit and healthy, not like you.

Oh, well, she ain't got my legs, has she? Of course she ain't got your legs,

dear. She wouldn't want your legs, would she?

She wouldn't part with your legs, would she?

She don't have to put up with my legs, does she?

Because she's got all her armies of doctors to put up with my legs, if she

them.

She has also, she has also got her alternative medicine. Because she ain't

closed -up mind like what you have.

I mean,

first doctor you see, any doctor you see...

You treat them like God you do. I mean, they say your legs are no good no more.

You can't walk. You've got to sit in a wheelchair and be pushed around for the

rest of your life. And you bloody will believe them, don't you?

Anything they say, you take it as gospel.

I didn't need a doctor to tell me my legs were no good anymore.

I didn't need anyone to tell me I couldn't walk properly anymore. I knew

myself.

I went to the doctor to find out why they didn't work anymore.

Why it was hard to walk on them.

And you believe what he told you?

Well, he was a Harley Street consultant. What do you expect me to do, call him a

liar? You could have asked a second opinion.

I didn't need one.

Blimey, he's only a Harley Street consultant, isn't he?

Not bloody God, is he?

If he was any good as a Harley Street consultant... If he was any good

as a Harley Street consultant, he wouldn't have to come down...

He could stay up there in Harley Street and make his fortune, couldn't he?

Make it easy to push, innit?

These. These are for your hands, innit? For pushing the wheelchair with your

hands. You don't do that, do you? No. No, that's all superfluous weight,

That's not ours.

Well, it is while we're in charge of it.

Look, you have to give it back when we're done with it. We'll cross that

Look, you won't be...

It'd be easier to push, wouldn't it?

Come on, try it.

I can't sit in it like that.

Try it.

No, I'll be comfortable.

I don't know where to put my feet.

No armrests, no cushions. It's marvellous, isn't it, eh? You're so

selfish, you arsehole, you bingo.

Self, self, self.

It's me that's got to push the bloody thing, isn't it?

Bloody council, they make them too heavy in the first place. Look at it.

Bloody thing's got no design.

Comfort? Well, that's all you think about, isn't it? Comfort. What about my

comfort, eh? My comfort when I have to push you in a bloody thing.

A lot of what's wrong with you, my dear, is old age.

I know a lot of what's wrong with me is old age.

Not old age that's wrong with my legs.

Your legs are no younger.

Your legs are as old as mine.

You seem to have no bother walking about on them.

Except when you're drinking that stuff.

Alternative medicine, my dear.

Alternative medicine. Isn't that what the Queen swears by? No, but her mother

does. If she's fit enough, she's older than you are, they don't have to push

around in a wheelchair.

And she's still got all her marbles, isn't she?

stuff will do you more good and all the pills are quite a shove down your throat

if you let him.

Remedy this stuff, innit?

Old Scottish remedy.

Brewed up in your islands.

There's remedy against raw mornings and even colder nights.

And why do you think your jocks put it in their porridge, eh?

Because you're wearing nothing but a kilt, my dear. You need something

going down.

germs, this will.

Yeah, you too, if you don't ease up on it. Yeah, I wouldn't mind a quid for all

the colds and influenza.

Drinking this stuff is preventing me from getting.

You've always got colds. Well, there's a lot of colds about, my dear, isn't

there? Can't avoid all of them.

I mean, there's times when I'm not drinking this stuff, isn't there?

What times?

Well, it's when you're sleeping in the middle of the night, your germs are

liable to attack you.

Four o 'clock in the morning, my dear.

You ask any doctor, that's when your lowest ebb, that's when the germs attack

you, when any protection you might have got over this stuff has been, like,

disappeared.

When your defences are down, my dear.

Now, I've had colds, I've had them, but think of all the colds I might have had

if I hadn't had this stuff to fend them off with.

in that stuff, don't you?

Well, I ain't found much else worth believing in, my dear.

Tell you the truth.

I mean, I wouldn't say nothing against religion, you know.

But your lord drank, didn't he?

Yes,

he did.

I mean, you may not need a drink up there in heaven, but while he was down

on earth, he soon discovered he needed a drink. Holy as he was, he found out.

He couldn't live with us and put up with what we have to put up with without

having a few.

Blimey, drove him to drink with it.

I bet his mum said to him, I wish you wouldn't go down here and mix with those

people. You always come back up here drunk.

I suppose that's going to stay like that now, is it?

Come on.

Hurry up.

All this, I tell you.

My legs will give out soon, you'll see.

They ought to give us a powered wheelchair.

That's what they'll give us.

Like the one we see the other day.

They won't give me a powered chair.

Not while I've got you.

It's not only my legs, my back and all now. My bloody back is killing me.

Well, never mind.

Soon be home. Then you can have a nice sit down.

Yeah.

I'm going to see them about a pair of wheelchair.

I can't go on like this.

You won't get one.

It's all the cutbacks. It's your Mrs. Thatcher.

She don't like lame dogs.

She wants everyone to stand on their own feet. Now, shut up about Mrs. Thatcher.

Never mind.

Perhaps Labour will win the next election and that nice Mr. Kinnock will

more money on the health service.

Labour? Looking after the tells, that's what they'll be doing.

Favouring his own ass, which your nice Mr Kinnock will be doing, so was your

nice Mr Harold Wilson and your nice James Callaghan.

Yeah. They both done better under Labour, yeah, but nobody else did, did

Harold Wilson, he was flogging peerages to anyone with £100 ,000 to spare.

But he's got a boat.

Yeah, Michael Foot.

I admit, all he was after was a new overcoat, but he never got a...

for ourselves, bloody politicians, innit?

Blimey, becoming a Prime Minister in this country now is better than winning

polls, and we can't even get a power wheelchair.

Bloody Labour Party.

Blimey, they didn't have nothing when they first cut the power.

Not one of them. Not even a pot of piss in the now, look at them.

40 ,000 pounds a year, they don't do nothing for nobody.

40 ,000 a year?

I may not admit to getting it, my dear, but what they say they get and what they

bung in their own pockets is two entirely different things, isn't it?

perks, my dear, your perks.

That's where it's at.

Your perks.

Ready money.

It's where the real money is, isn't it?

Your ones.

Nelson's.

Your Nelson Eddies, my dear. Your Reddies.

Cash in the pocket and no questions asked.

It stands to reason you can't tell me them labourites can afford to live up

there the way they do.

Obnubbing with all your eye -pull -eye what they're supposed to be earning.

They ain't got nothing of their own. They ain't got no private fortunes. Not

like your real Tories have.

Look at them now. Look at them up there. You bloody labour and your STP.

All living in £500 ,000 penthouses in your Royal Borough of Wapping.

The Royal Borough? Well, it soon will be when they've moved in, won't it?

get rid of us, condemn our houses, get us out, and then build penthouses for

themselves. They didn't have no money to spare to improve our housing when we

lived there, but they soon found the money for themselves, didn't they?

And why? I'll tell you why.

Because it's near your parliament, that's why, just across the water, isn't

I suppose one of them looked out the window one day and thought, ooh, that'll

a handy place to live, you whopping. Oh, yeah, get that lot out, what's living

there. Evict them, smarten the place up a bit.

Very adjacent, that'll be all.

I wouldn't even need a telephone. Just shout.

Well, you know how water carries.

What is he doing over there today?

Nothing. Right, I think I'll have a little lay -in.

All right, everyone's got earn a living. I admit that.

They want to make a career in politics. All right.

But don't go around like bloody saints and make out they're doing it for our

sakes. The ball's the wall up for our sakes.

I lived in a borough whopping.

Man and boy, 68 years.

I've served under 14 prime ministers.

And I've been bloody poor on every one of them.

Don't let it worry you.

Don't let it worry me.

You let everything worry you. I don't let nothing... Don't let nothing worry

peeing cup without us, will he?

The bloody wogs cup.

Spanning us out of Europe. They didn't want us spanned out of Europe when

was around, did they? Aye.

It was all, hello, Tommy, and come over here to have a drink, Tommy, and voodoo,

have a commoise, a soir, Tommy, and have a liberate. No, it's all piss off,

Tommy, isn't it?

We should have left them to Hitler, mate. Guess what? He'd have given them

hooligans. He'd have given them bloody football, all right, and I'd have told

you something else.

If old Gorbachev starts, see, his bloody Russians start, it'll all be, come

back, Tommy, all is forgiven, Tommy. But the hooligans, man, the hooligans. All

right, string them up, if you like. I don't mind, string them up. I've got

nothing... I don't hold with hooligans, mon.

Don't hold with hooligans at all, but they are our hooligans, don't they?

They're our bleeding hooligans, and we know how to handle our own hooligans.

Don't need a load of bleeding foreigners telling us how to handle our own

hooligans, do we?

Mr Garnick, will you come over, please?

Is that you, man?

I don't understand my own language, John.

Give me a chip, that is.

No smoking, if you don't mind, Mr Garnett.

Am I smoking?

it, my dear, because there's nothing in it.

It won't get enough out of you lot to smoke it.

Your wife is incapacitated.

She can't walk. She's a cripple.

Rheumatoid arthritis, I believe.

So the quack says.

Mr. Doverall, your wife's consultant, is a very distinguished specialist in that

particular disease, Mr. Garner. So he says.

You don't think so? Well, I don't know if he is or ain't no more than you do,

Mrs. We have to take his word for that, don't we?

Only his mates and those who work with him know how good or bad he is, and they

won't blab, will they?

Conspiracy of science, isn't it? All I know is, from what I've seen of him, I'm

not over the moon about him.

He's a clever man.

Oh, well, they're all clever men, aren't they, eh?

I mean, if they was half as clever as they say they are, as they claim to be,

we'd all live forever, wouldn't we? But we don't, do we?

See, all I know is this, Mrs.

When my wife first went to see your Mr. Doggerall, she couldn't walk, could she?

And now, after pushing her up and down to the hospital and back and wearing out

three pairs of boots, seeing your Mr. Doggerall, she still can't walk. And if

things go on the way they are going, pretty soon I won't be able to walk,

I? I'll sit up in a wheelchair with her. Now, I am not a clever consultant,

Mrs., but I couldn't have done much worse than that, could I?

Well, nobody's claiming Mr. Doggerall or any other consultant can work miracles.

I'm not coming in. looking for miracles, Mrs. No one can do much for my wife's

legs now.

They're a right off. I accept that.

Whose fault it is, I'm not prepared to argue.

I mean, her legs never be any good again.

Not as legs they won't. I accept that.

I know that.

They're too far gone.

But if you want to do something for her, Mrs., if you want to give her a better

quality of life,

Look after my legs.

Because it's my legs she's got to rely upon now.

It's my legs she needs, because my legs are more used to her than her own legs

are, aren't they?

Use your noddle, Mrs.

Save my legs.

That's what you've got to do. Save my legs. Give her a pair of wheelchair.

Something I don't have to push.

Something that'll save my legs.

I'm sorry, Mr. Gunther.

I understand your position and I sympathise with it. But unfortunately,

unfortunately for you, I hasten to add, Mrs Garnett is not incapacitated enough

to qualify for a powered chair.

Why not?

Because, because she's got me, ain't she? Hey, her loving husband, her living

relative. Bloody muggings, that's all. Listen, when I retired after 65 years of

slogging, paying thousands of pounds to you lot, I didn't bargain on getting a

job harder than the one I retired from, the one I was correct to.

How would she be if she didn't have me, eh? A lot happier, I should think. Shut

up.

If Mrs Garnett didn't have you, she'd probably qualify for a powered chair.

Yes, but because I live with her.

Because she's mine and I love her. I've got to push her, haven't I?

Well, it ain't bloody fair, that's all I've got to say. Look, if I left her in

lurch, if I divorced her, if I lived in sin with her, she'd get a powered

wheelchair out of you lot, wouldn't she?

Well, it's got bloody right.

Is it? All right, I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll divorce her. I'll live in sin

with her. And I'll write to the Archbishop of Canterbury. And I'll tell

been forced to live in sin with my own wife to get a wheelchair.

Sir, buy reduction gears with no chain or belt.

Equipped with both electrical and mechanical release to allow freewheeling

whenever required.

Top speed, 20 miles an hour.

Adoptable from 0 .57 to 12 degrees, or 21%, with 250 pounds load, depending on

road surface and conditions.

You mean, uh, you don't have to push it? Push it?

No, sir, this is the Ferrari of wheelchairs.

Save your legs this, wouldn't it, eh?

Save them?

I mean, if you had nothing wrong with your legs, like, save them!

What I mean... Ooh.

You wouldn't have to be a cripple, you know, like, to get the benefit out of

of these, would you?

I mean... I wouldn't mind driving around in one of these. It'd be a pleasure,

that would.

Has he got a top?

Top. Yeah, like, you know, Ruth.

Like, cover, keep the rain off. Like on them golf carts.

It's not a golf cart.

I can tell that. I can see that. But it'd be handy if you played golf,

wouldn't it?

People who need these don't play golf. No.

Of course, I have been thinking about taking up golf.

It's all that walking puts me off.

Do you mind if I have a trial run round the block in this?

No, sir. Oh, no.

You don't mind?

No, we don't let them out, sir.

Well, you should. It'd be a lot of shoppers to pay a fortune or one of

the day. It'd save their legs, wouldn't it?

But if you're not going to buy it, sir... I didn't say I wasn't going to

did I?

Wouldn't have come in here in the first place if I wasn't going to buy it.

It's 2 ,500 pounds.

That's a lot of money.

Yeah. Yeah, it is a lot of money, yeah. But not for someone who's just won the

pools, eh?

Not a lot of money to a man who's just won 200 ,000 pounds on a football pools.

Not to a man whose wife has all crooped up with rheumatoid arthritis and who's

just come into a fortune and he wants to buy his wife a present, eh?

You should have said so.

Take me for a little run round the block, would you? I'm sure that'll be

right. A pleasure, sir.

It's all yours.

I'm a little busy at the moment.

You put it aside for me. I'll be back.

Certainly, sir.

I'm just off out to post me football poles. And if I win, I'll probably come

back and buy that.

Be on the BBC News in a minute.

Yeah.

They said I'm here -o, the way I foiled them bank robbers, you know.

Here I am, they said, you know. Well, drove my wheelchair away to them, didn't

I? You were very brave.

Well, you don't think time like that, do you?

Don't think, you know.

Just do what you've got to do, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

I mean, you just...

Don't think about your own personal safety in a situation like that. You

you know, get stuck in.

Wow. If more people done that, more people got stuck in, there'd be less

and terrorists, I tell you. Yes, you're very brave.

They reckon they'll get the George Medal because of this.

Well, you ought to get the Victoria Cross.

Your George Medal is your civilian Victoria Cross, Marigold.

Listen, Buona. What? I don't want to frighten you, right?

But when all them villains see you on the television and realize that you is

one who caused them all that aggro, spoil up them little earner, put three

them mates away inside a prison, well, them is going to want to fix you, innit?

I mean, them is good men, you know. They don't like people give them aggro.

And them use shooters, too.

Them will want to blow you away.

provisions for mummy here.

Like some insurance or something.

Because she's going to be all on her own. She is going to be a widow.

I'll be all right.

I'll get my powered chair once he's gone.

Listen. You see The Godfather? That film with Marlon Brando. With the mobbies

after him. And he's lying in bed.

Al Pacino smuggles them into another ward because the villains are creeping

the stairs to come and waste them, like what they're going to do to you.

Has this bed got wheels on it?

Well, we will move you. We are going to hide you.

It's gone all white.

This afternoon, in the East End of London, A daring arm bank raid was

a brave man in a wheelchair.

That man, Mr. Alfred...

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